Dream Catchers and Open-Eyed Dreamers

Turning toward a chosen life partner is one of the simplest things we can do in life. Research (e.g., by the Gottman Institute) shows that this simple habit is critical for happiness and health in longterm, committed relationships. However, it is vital to note this habit is “simple, but not easy.” The tension between turning toward our partner and turning toward self is often difficult to navigate and creates a lack of ease. Intentionally turning toward our partner’s dreams and fears, strengths and vulnerabilities – and our own – is simple and difficult, as well as foundational for health and happiness.

Feeling misunderstood or unheard or not understanding our partner may impede willingness to turn toward our partner or even toward oneself. Ironically, the action of turning toward is necessary for greater understanding and more opportunities. This process can be messy and unclear. Fortunately, consistent use of positive communication and self-calming skills benefit this process. John Gottman describes part of this process in And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives (2007): “But we have to feel safe enough to pull our dreams out of the closet. When we wear them, our partner may glimpse how beautiful we are—fragile but shimmering. Then, with understanding, our partners may join us in being dream catchers, rather than dream shredders.”

Intentionally noticing the “fragile but shimmering” beauty of our dreaming partner or self may increase understanding and motivate empathy for the dreamer’s fear and vulnerability. It may also energize, develop strength and broaden options to consider, then stimulating the use of these further-developing strengths in the engagement of new opportunities. Turning attention toward this glimpse sharpens the view of beauty is an act of commitment and a loving process of clarification.

Having had the privilege of working with hundreds of couples over the years, I have witnessed the transformation that is possible for individuals and in relationships when this beauty is kept in focus consistently. Usually, this transformation happens when a person intentionally makes this turn repeatedly across time in many small actions - and sometimes in larger actions - instead of relying on romantic grand gestures. Repeatedly making and acting with intention is commitment.

Of course, the act of turning toward something includes the act of turning away from something else. One thing comes into greater focus and others become more peripheral or move out of view. We can only look or move in one direction at a time. When we consistently choose a direction, the view changes and new options become visible. Within relationships, especially those with a chosen life partner, our attention can deviate from our commitment. Our fears and vulnerabilities can diminish the openness to the fears, vulnerabilities, and even strengths of our partner and our own better selves that lead healing and growth.

Just as we cannot determine if the chicken or the egg came first, as they depend upon one other to exist, we cannot determine if willingness or capacity must come first for these practices of healthy commitment. Willingness and capacity are inextricably interwoven practices and opportunities. Focus on willingness cultivates capacity, and capacity grows more willingness. Willingness can increase capacity and capacity can increase willingness.

Lowered capacity may leave us or our partners less willing to turn toward need, to understand fear, to care well for – not just about – vulnerability. When we find ourselves or our partner unwilling to care well, it may be necessary to boost our capacity through learning something new and getting support to practice it. An increased sense of competence and options can ignite more willingness for these difficult engagements. This process requires humility and an openness to learn.

Likewise, less willingness may lower our capacity to engage our strengths, practice new skills and engage well in problem solving. When our ability or our partner’s ability seems inadequate to address needs, it is necessary to remember the willingness of our commitment so it can guide us to build capacity to care for ourselves, one another, and our relationship well. This process often means turning away from resentments, fears, and insecurities consistently enough to consider new options.

Each of us has received a combination of useful and sufficient guidance, as well as incomplete or faulty guidance. We have received some combination of nurturing and wounding. Some of us have experienced trauma done to our bodies or other ways that our ability to cope and survive was severely threatened or overwhelmed. Within a secure and loving relationship, our nervous system becomes more grounded and settled, allowing development of greater self-awareness and cultivation of the habits that allow and promote turning toward one another. When this grounded and connected state is consistent, deep turning toward so that the unknowable will become knowable, and the undoable will become doable when actions are consistently chosen in love and from the guidance of our better selves.

Commitment also turns toward new knowledge and guidance in whatever good and relevant form it is available, seeking help because it is useful and matters, not only because it might be the last resort. These forms include trustworthy role models, books, podcasts, blogs and more from which to learn, trustworthy loved ones from whom to receive support, and qualified professional help. A question I often ask my clients is “What are you not willing to change for the sake of the health of your relationship?” and I make it clear that the health of each person and of the relationship are as inextricably intertwined as the chicken and egg.

According to T. E. Lawrence, “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” wounds can heal and the scars from those wounds can be embraced as beautiful.

Unresolved – better stated, unmetabolized – trauma that is carried in our bodies and spirits can be converted from what is “stuck” into what can feed and sustain. Alternatively, underdevelopment, wounds, and traumas can be made much worse when ignored or mishandled frequently or recklessly, especially within a relationship that is “supposed” to offer security and love.

Turning repeatedly to actively seek the “fragile but shimmering” beauty of our partner’s and our own dreams in order to care well for them activates this settling and healing. This is commitment. Commitment doesn’t rely on what has always been done, seen as true, or even known. It doesn’t even rely on what is currently knowable. Commitment repeats the

Expanding from Mr. Lawrence’s singular inclusion of men, the idea to build or renew the habit of open-eyed dreaming and intentional acting on these dreams is key for a happy and healthy marriage. Some dreams are nightmares. Hold the one who has them so they can rest well enough for open-eyed dreaming. Some dreams are of shimmering beauty. Help that dreamer catch them and feed them. These open-eyed actions are powerful for protecting one another and growing well –not just old – together.

Simple, but not easy. Indeed, the payoff of a happier and healthier marriage and life far exceeds the “cost” of the lack of ease. As you plan your wedding and as you live your marriage, may you practice catching the dreams of your beloved and dreaming with your eyes open wide.

MARY MCKINNEY, MA, LMFT

Mary McKinney is a psychotherapist with 30+ years’ experience in the mental health field who is a full-time lover of her family, friends, critters, and trees and a “sometimes” writer and speaker.