Admissions of a Law Student

- SATIRICAL -

Confessions from Macquarie’s Elite

Adrienna Lim

Growing up, the Upper East Siders have always had Gossip Girl to keep them honest…but what about law students? From being caffeine addicts, argumentative and possessing an ability to present themselves as an expert in any topic, law students have carefully curated a certain persona to be displayed to the masses.

Do not be fooled. When a law student complains of their mountain of readings, chances are they have no clue what’s going on in classes. When you walk past a moot, the confident speaker secretly wants to retreat back into the safety of a blanket fort. To all students, both present and future, fear not! Your predecessors are more of a mess than they may lead you to think. So for now, let’s pull back the curtains and observe the law student in its natural habitat.

I suppose it is only fair for us to begin with the first and most obvious admission; law students do not complete their readings. Now, this doesn’t start as a dive off the deep end immediately, but like anything else it sneaks up and attacks when least expected. In the first week, running on the motivation of a New Year’s resolution, a law student will diligently make summaries of the 300 (or so) pages of content. However, as the semester progresses their caffeine-dependent brain arrives to the conclusion that an open-book final means that all work can be staved off to the week before exams. Then, the law student will sit through the remainder of the semester without touching their textbook before finally learning the entire unit in the three hours they have before exams.

The second admission is that the law student will adopt a ‘lawyer’s voice’. This voice awards the student the appearance of being highly informed of all topics, whether it be about criminal negligence or composting. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The student appears informed and eloquent because of their practice in dressing up the most nonsensical thoughts into some resemblance of knowledge. So, the next time you see a person sell the idea that coffee is water with a high concentration of roasted bean essence, that’s a law student.

In their everyday lives, the typical law student presents a cold icy persona and a default disdain for social interaction with those they view as ‘less than’ (particularly Arts students). However, do not be fooled, as their air of importance and indifference is a behavioural adaptation learnt from their predecessors. In actuality, the law student will battle an urge to refrain from breaking down into tears at the slightest inconvenience; for example, accidentally closing a Google tab. This astonishing discovery can be best observed during presentations or mooting when the law student is required to rely on their own capabilities rather than the internet or overly detailed notes. They adorn their armour of choice, a black blazer, and march into the moot with a perfectly polished shield.

Despite the resident law society boasting a strong reputation for hosting the most unforgettable social events at university, the natural habitat of the law student is in fact the library. Most of these fascinating creatures are vulnerable to predators when busily citing sources or completing a quiz. This has led the species to instinctually congregate en masse at the library, where they feel sheltered amongst the company of their kin. It is not rare to see a law student downing their fourth cup of coffee before proceeding to highlight the pages of their textbook with every colour under the sun. They may seem crazed, but this particular species is usually harmless.

The Brief was fortunate enough to study some of these fascinating creatures and asked them to admit to the actual realities of law school. Names have been changed to protect the safety of these elusive beings, and their admissions have been exaggerated to give them a glimmer of personality.

Emily: Honestly, my law school experience is entirely characterised by buying $300 worth of textbooks each semester just to sell them afterwards with the protective plastic still on.

Jason: On their first day of medical school, my friends were told all about how they would change the world. But my first day of law school involved the lecturer telling us: to disregard the stereotypes surrounding lawyers and that we were already behind in our readings.

Michael: Hearing ‘Donoghue v Stevenson’ is the law school equivalent to the Winter Soldier’s trigger words. But instead of turning into assassins, we eye any cloudy drink with a look of apprehension and fear.

Welcome to law school, you’ll love it.

XOXO,

Gossip Girl