how 'wholesome dindinswith jessica'

On the 9th of December 2021, I started this series called ‘wholesome din dins with jessica’.

It resulted in me becoming addicted to making Instagramreels(followme@ jess sgxx)

Therulesweresimple

1.Pickacuisine

2.InviteagroupoffriendsonaFriday night

3.Geteveryonetobring/cookadish

4.Feast

ItwasasimpleandcuteideabutIthoughtbythis time, I would run out of countries to pick from. Or that I would run out of friends. But to this date, I’ve done 57 dinners in total. And my friends have still decidedtohangaround

SowhydidIstarthavingthesedinners?

WasitjustsoIcanhearteaandgossip?

Was it just so I can hear updates on my friends’ lovelives?

Was it just so I force people to taste the food I cookandpotentiallypoisonthem?

Yes

Toalloftheabove.

Buttherewasadeeperreasonwhyitallstarted

In 2020, the cursed year Like many of my peers, I didn’t cope well with the lockdowns I struggled withthelackofcontrol Ifeltlikemylifewasfalling out of my hands So what did I think was the most logicalthingtodo?Toholdontighter

ToholdsotightontothethingsIhadleft Tocontrol the very few things I could control during a time whenIwasdrowninginuncertainty Butinreality,I waslosingcontrolofwhoIreallywas obviouslywrittenbyjessicasatyagraha

Long story short I developed an eating disorder I pushed myself to the limits and aimed for perfection.

I thought perfection was synonymous with excellence. That if I could exercise for longer, I would be closer to being ‘healthy’. That if I could decreasemydailyintakebyXXcalories,itwouldall be worthwhile. I told myself that pushing myself to the limit and aiming for perfection… mirrors certainty.Buttheonlycertainthingthatcomesout ofperfectionisthefalloutofanxietyandburnout.

I love planning, scheduling and organising everything to the T. Despite our efforts to compartmentalise and organise everything into neat little categories, life doesn't operate that way. Life is messy, with strings that are tangled, intertwined, and sometimes impossible to untangle. Aiming for perfection only raises our expectations to unrealistic standards with the inability to accept the shortcomings of others and mostimportantly…ourselves.

The path to recovery was difficult. It’s a long one that isn’t linear and consists of multiple relapses. It’s interesting how doctors can make the worst patients. We spout medical advice with no hesitation but find it impossible to follow our advice.

Why?

Becausewebelievetherulesdon’tapplytous. Becausewebelieveweare‘builtdifferent’. Becausewebelievethatwearetheexception.

Butsorrytobreakittomanyofyouhigh-achieving people out there you’re not that special And I meanthatinthenicestwaypossible

Youareahumanbeingthatstillneedstoeat. Youareahumanbeingthatstillgetssick. Youareahumanbeingthatstillneedstosleep.

Unfortunately, it was hard for me to digest that concept

Or digest anything really (Can you tell I cope with humour)

Myeatingdisorderpreventedmefromdoingmany things in life Many things I didn’t want to speak to my friends I didn’t want to eat out at restaurants I didn’t want people to cook for me I didn’t want peopletobeinthekitchenwithmewhenIcooked, let alone at my house I didn’t want people to eat with me I struggled to even look at a plate of food withoutdoingthementalcalculationsofhowmuch Ineededtorunto‘earn’thismeal

There were several relapses along the way to recovery Buteachrelapsegetsshorterandshorter With every relapse, you learn strategies to come back stronger You learn to not listen to the little voice in your head saying that pain is necessary You learn not to hold onto the leash so tightly, because,inreality,youwereneverholdingontothe leash.Theleashwasaroundyou.

So what did I decide to do? I decided to do the complete opposite of what that voice in my head told me to do. I let people back into my life. I concluded that ‘ye maybe… the doctors are right’. SoIdecidedtoputmyselfthroughmyownversion ofexposuretherapy.

I held dinners e Where people bo AndIateit

Disclosure, I didn straight away started hosting these dinners I think if I was forced to do something like this in 2020, I would have punched someone in the face while simultaneously have a mental breakdown It took time

Sohereweare 57dinnersdoneandmanymoreto come Approximately 50 cuisines were tried and tested (with some countries repeated) With over 85people(Icouldn’tcountthemall)

Itwasn’teasy Butitwasworthit

As we get older, it’s harder to maintain the friendships that we have In high school, or even pre-clinicalyearsinmedicine,weareforcedtosee people every single day (or most days at least) It was less effort to see people and check up on our friends But now I’m in my final year of medicine, less than 6 months until I become a doctor and it will be my life-long goal to continue having these dinners so I can keep the friendships that I so deeplytreasure

Very few people knew the reason for how these dinners started Because not all who attended the dinners knew I had an eating disorder But I’m so thankful for every single person who attended I’m so grateful for all who decided to put to bring food andaspecialshoutouttoallthosewhodecidedto cookandcameclosetoburningdowntheirkitchen. Aslongasitisn’tmykitchenxx

I wouldn’t say I’m fully recovered. But at least I’m onedinnerclosertorecovery.

To all who came to ‘wholesome din dins with jessica’… thank you for being part of my recovery journey.