When to Speak & When to Stay Silent

When do you speak? I know this is a silly question. We speak every day to loved ones and friends. But, when do you really speak and say what’s on your mind? Shortly after my grandmother died, I started to really think about the idea of life and living it to the fullest. Through introspection, I realized a situation that I had spent the majority of my life repressing. I finally wanted to break free from the lies and tell everyone what was going on. However, it wasn’t entirely my story to tell. I looked up to two people in my life. I truly thought they were perfect. It never occurred to me what I was doing was wrong. Sick and tired of the lies, I told my father the secret I had been keeping from him: my mother had been cheating on him for the better half of my life. The worst part is, he had no clue. While I thought it was the “right” thing to do for myself and for him, I never really considered the repercussions for my mother. How could I have turned my back on her? When my father confronted my mom, he swore he wouldn’t tell her I told him what happened. But as soon as you tell someone the truth, it’s hard to stop. My mother figured out that I let the secret out. She was extremely mad at me and said that what I told him was not my secret to tell. But how could it not be? They’re both my parents and they both mean so much to me. These questions reappeared in my head recently when a friend told me that the boy she’d been seeing—who I always had suspicions about—was living a complete other life from the one she knew. ‘I knew it,’ I thought, immediately regretting the thought as it came. I never even told her. Could I have saved her from the heartbreak she felt, or would it have ruined our relationship? I know that what happened was not my fault, but the lingering guilt resides. When my friends question their relationships with their significant others, should I tell them what I really think or say what I think they want to hear? I usually go with the latter, but where does one draw the line?

To me, that line resides in your morals and what you classify as right and wrong. This idea can be applied to more than just relationships: for example, writing essays that you don’t agree with just to align with a professor’s values. We often contradict our own values to get a good mark. The next time you come across information that may not be rightfully yours, ask yourself: Where do I align my values? And, is it worth compromising them? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer to these questions. The relationship I had with my mother changed in the weeks following this news. My parents separated and it was almost unbearable to be in the same room as my mother. We both hurt so much because, in a way, we both betrayed each other. What really got me through this time was talking someone else through my emotions. It helped to talk about what made me break free from the lies that I lived in. My mother is not a bad person. She is a hurt person, and so was I. We forgave each other and our relationship is now better than ever. However, almost five years later, I am again confronted with the question of when to speak up. I’m again faced with deciding whether I should tell someone that what is happening to them is wrong, or remain silent and supportive. I find this especially true when my friends get into new relationships. How do you tell someone their boyfriend or girlfriend is using them or cheating on them? Do you even tell them at all? How can you tell someone you don’t really know that you saw their boyfriend on Tinder? Do you only tell a close friend? Is there a scale based on what type of friendship you have with someone? The questions are endless. I don’t really have an answer to any of these. I just know the guilt of doing both.

by Maddie Ward

PHOTOGRAPHY BY NOELLE OCHOCINSKI