Mustard #01 teaser by Alex Musson

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Lethargy Generator Found Under Bed “

ver since I started working from home, spooky things have been happening,” explained freelance journalist Andy Mason from his bedsit. “I had set up my laptop and was ready to get stuck in to some serious work. But suddenly, without knowing how, I realised it was two hours later and I was slumped on my bed watching The Wright Stuff. It was like a whole section of my life had mysteriously disappeared. Plus, for hours afterwards, I felt all kinda... sluggish.” “This happened a few times and I would just shake the cobwebs from my head and get back to work. But I kept feeling this strange gravitational pull emanating from the bed, like something was calling to me.” “Thinking maybe I was ill, I nipped out to get some Lemsip. But as soon

as I got to the supermarket, I started feeling pretty good, full of beans and ready to get cracking, so I headed back to the flat. But almost immediately the drowsy feeling returned and I found myself slouched on the bed eating a bowl of Cornflakes.” “It was really scary. I had no idea what was going on.” That is, until yesterday. I was tucking into my Frosties when I dropped my spoon and it rolled under the bed. So I leaned down, looked underneath and –” He shuddered visibly. “I found myself staring at this otherworldly machine. All tubes and wires, with strange bellows moving up and down like it was breathing. It was just so

AB 2

TOP TEN LAST WORDS: “I WONDER WHAT THIS LEVER DOES?”

M.D.

Home worker reports “some creepy X-Files shit” going in his flat

“

Hours of my life had mysteriously disappeared.

”

wrong looking. And there, stencilled on its side, were the words–” he paused dramatically “Lethargy Generator.” “I tell you, I have no idea what heinous government conspiracy or loathsome alien beings put that thing there – or why.” “But it sure as hell explains a lot.” AM

AM&AB

}

ODDVERTISEMENT

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N.H

Jumper Removal Quandary? We all know the sting of J.R.Q. – you’re in public and you want to pull your jumper off over your head. But you’re worried that as you do so your t-shirt will also rise*, thus displaying your fat, flabby belly to innocent bystanders.

2 FIG 1:

Hook thumb casually over bottom of T-shirt.

*static is not your friend

But now, with our patented Mustard T-Shirt Removal TechniqueTM your embarrassment is at an end!

3 FIG 2:

With other hand, reach behind head and grab back of jumper head-hole.

FIG 3:

Pull jumper over your head. T-Shirt remains in place – dignity intact! AM

Apple: iLitigate iPod giant begins waves of copyright prosecutions ollowing their failed case against Apple Records in 2006, Apple computers are now sending shock troop lawyers after anyone infringing their copyright of the letter ‘i’ at the beginning of a word. Everyone from Imax cinemas to members of the ibex climbing ungulate family is feeling their wrath. In perhaps the harshest case, the cremated remains of celebrated sci-fi author Isaac Asimov were exhumed to face charges aginst his short-story collection ‘I, Robot.’ Action is now being taken against the use of the first person singular, meaning phrases such as ‘I think therefore I am’ must now be written as ‘Someone who is me thinks, therefore is.’ Lawyers also have their eyes set on the letter ‘i’ used as Roman numeral, suffix, abbreviation, mathematical or chemical symbol.

“

They,re suing everyone from ibex to I Robot.

”

The name ‘Mac’ is also the source of copyright conflict. Lawyers have asked garment manufacturers to remove labels saying ‘mac’ or ‘macintosh’ and replace them with non-copyrighted words such as ‘oilskin’ or ‘wetcoat’. The Clan MacIntosh is having to call themselves ‘the Clan formerly known as MacIntosh’, pending a decision from the European Court of Human Rights (whose judges anonymously received boxes of freshly minted iPhones and iPods this morning). Also in litigation are the Dirty Mac Brigade, the MicMac Indians

of Canada, and fast food giant MacDonalds – now O’Donalds and launching their Irish themed menu of ‘Big O’, ‘Fillet O’O’Fish’, ‘Chicken Shamrocks’ and new advertising slogan: “Bejesus, I’m loving it!”.

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NanaTechnology Set to Consume World by 2020

STRING THEORY

Prince Charles has brought attention to the worrying rise in so-called “NanaTechnology”, the blunt-edge science being employed by the elderly

ANAS, Grand-dads, Grandmas and Grandpaps around the Western world have been developing technology that employs safety pins, bits of string, spit and sections of old cardboard to construct or mend household items. It is believed that items such as wornout slippers, push-button radios and bathroom taps have all been subjected to successful NanaTechnology overhauls. This science is a branch of the socalled ‘string theory’, which posits that everything can be made or mended with a bit of old string, some yellowing Sellotape and the back of a packet of Cornflakes. The elderly also run a communication

system that piggybacks on existing telephone lines. Known as ‘three pips’, this involves ringing three times and then hanging up before anyone answers, thus enabling family members to signal that they have arrived home safely. Experts fear that harmlesslooking tartan shopping trolleys are receptacles to a massive amount of NanaTechnology, fuelled by large quantities of tea, scones and rich tea biscuits. Most worryingly of all, statistics show that there will be 50% more OAPs by 2020. In other words: they’re breeding. In his statement, Prince Charles said: “I genuinely fear that the world could

Bpp + S = (fT) Bpp = Brown paper parcels S = String ( ) = sum of f = favourite T = Things

“

Safety pins, bits of string, spit and old cardboard.

”

be swamped by a kind of ‘grey-goo’ of elderly people. We must act now by culling the aged populace and giving their sons a chance to be King... uhm, I mean, making the world safe.” AM

, , No Deal Say Police

ollowing reports of large crowds gathering in rural locations, police swooped in, but found nothing except 24 empty cardboards boxes and a single telephone. “Some people seem to think these illegal gaming bouts are victimless crimes,” warned DCI Plum, “but they don’t see the physical and mental trauma caused by deciding whether or not to open a box.” Police believe

there may be as many as 30 illegal Edmundses working across the country at any one time, though they are most interested in questioning a shadowy mastermind known only as ‘The Banker’. In the UK, Edmunds-related games are strictly controlled, but offshore, thousands of dollars change hands in unregulated Telly Addicts bouts, which often end in injury or death. AB

JB AO&SG 4

“THIS SPECIES, HOWEVER, IS COMPLETELY HARMLESS”

“That one? It’s ex-military, a few miles on the clock and a bit tatty, but it does come with 15-millimetre forward-facing cannons and a chemical toilet.”

, Writer s Block FIRST CHAPTERS FROM UNFINISHED NOVELS

RIVATE Eye Randy McNasty woke up on his office couch. He had the taste of cheap liquor on his breath and lipstick from an even cheaper broad on his collar. It was hot outside. God damn hot. Too hot. He felt like a fat kid in a sweater trying to fight his way out of a sauna. He moved to open the window and let in some fresh air, then remembered he was in Chicago so it wouldn’t make any difference. He went to pour himself a drink instead but was stopped dead by a shooting pain in his side. It was all coming back to him now; he’d been shot. Last night some dope-fiend had tried to ice him in a clip joint in Reno. But why? The details were fuzzy, much like the skin of a kiwi fruit. McNasty poured himself a bourbon, two Gin Rickey’s and an Old Fashioned. It was going to be a long day. Just then someone burst through his office door. McNasty had spun around, put down his drinks, pulled his gun and fired three shots before he realised it was just some dame. Luckily he’d missed with all three. Maybe he’d regret it later.

#1: THE BIG NASTY

This broad was somethin’ else. She was hitting on all eight. She had a rump like a peach and eyes as blue as depressed berries. “Why you throwing your lead about, Randy? Did I scare you?”

“

and squirting metal all over the joint. The cops are looking for you everywhere.” Opium! McNasty begged those goddamned Chinamen not to sell it to him but they always did. This time he’d taken too much and ended up waxing a couple of cats. Now John Law wanted to put him in the big house. He’d be damned if he was going there. He needed to

Seems he,d taken too much opium and ended up waxing a couple of cats.

How did she know his name? Things came flooding back. Was this the dame he was with last night? Was she responsible for the lipstick on his shirt, the bites on his neck and the wound in his gut? He was mighty confused: “What happened in that dive last night? All I knows is I got clipped by some bird who wanted to put me in a Chicago overcoat.” “That was your fault, McNasty. We were looking for my husband and you ended up getting snowed

”

get rid of this chick and make a fast exit. “OK, babe, close your head and get out of my face. I need to think.” The tone of her reply was husky, but not like the dog: “You know how to think don’t you? You just put your lips together and make complex cognitive decisions based on reason, reflection and pondering.” “Goodbye now, honey. Don’t get knocked off.” And with that she was gone. McNasty lit a cigarette and poured himself a

Manhattan, a Moscow Mule, another bourbon and one of those pink ones with an umbrella. God damn, it was hot. It was the type of weather that could melt brass doorknobs. McNasty was in trouble. Deep trouble. The cops were looking to nail him for his shooting spree and no doubt the friends of those hoodlums he’d torpedoed would be wanting a piece of his ass. McNasty realised that everyone he knew wanted him dead, including himself. But what about this broad’s husband? And all those punks he’d whacked? And those God damned Chinamen? Like a three year-old child, he had a hell of a lot more questions than answers. One thing was sure; he needed to find a bunch of missing pieces before he could figure out this fiendish puzzle. But now was hardly the time to do a jigsaw. Impetuously throwing it to the ground, McNasty grabbed his piece and a quart of gin and decided to go out and get answers the only way he knew how. He burnt his palm on the door handle as he left. Christ, it was hot. LL WWW.MUSTARDWEB.ORG

N.B.

The Skinny & Nod Dialogues

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU “HERBIE GOES TOO FAR”

did you know? #119

The only thing worse than being talked about is giant spiders.

OVERHEARD

H.S.

ENTIRE LIVES SUMMED UP IN ONE OVERHEARD REMARK

Student at Oxbridge College, overheard by GC

“Here’s one, Noddy.” “Yeah. Alright, mate? No trainers, you know. No, I said no trainers.” “Don’t be a problem, mate. Don’t be larking us.” “Makes no difference to us, mate. You can go home and get your shoes if you like but it’s not gonna do you no good.” “Noddy’s right, mate. Go get your shoes, if you want. Shoes won’t get you in tonight.” “Not tonight, not never, mate.” “Why? He’s asking why, Nod.” “I wondered if I’d heard right, Skinny. Now I feel awful that I did.” “Yeah. I feel awful too. See, mate, this is a mosque.” “That’s right. So it’s no trainers, no shoes.” “And don’t even try with sandals.” “Nod’s right. Sandals are worse.” “Look like a shoe’s ribs.” “That’s right. Shoes and trainers are one thing.” “Two things.” “Yeah, whatever, Nod. What I am trying to put across to the gentlemen is that shoes and trainers and sandals are right out.” “And heels.” “Gent don’t look the type, but yeah, heels, shoes, trainers, clogs, slippers, boot: not coming in here.” “So either you take them or yourself off. He’s gonna have to take that thing off his head too, Skin.” “My friend here is right,

#1: SHOE mate. Not respectful in a place of worship.” “Like a Church.” “Or synagogue.” “Shh. So you gonna take ‘em off, or go elsewhere? There’s a Spiritualist place on tonight. Might be more to your liking”. “No shoe-code”. “Gotta have an aura though.” “Oh yeah, they got a strict aura-policy on there. You okay for aura?”

“

Sandals? Look like a shoe,s ribs.

”

“No, mate, it’s not a joke. I’m thinking we should just call it a day and you go to the Anglican place.” “Opens in the morning. No shoe-code, no aura-code.” “They don’t even care if you’ve been a naughty boy.” “Unless you want to be a choirmaster.” “Then only naughty boys considered.” “I think the gent is a naughty boy, though, Skinny.” “Certainly heading that way, Nod. We got a queue here, mate.” “Yeah, goodnight then mate. Peace be upon you.” “Tit.” “I hear you, Skinny. Think they can waltz in anywhere.” “Massive queue though.” “Frigging massive. God knows why.” “Yeah, why do they bother? Place is empty tonight.” RF “Yeah.”

Girl on Train is Soulmate in , Fellow Passenger s Imagination An attractive girl on the westbound Silverlink last night was imagined by a fellow traveller to be his perfect match

OTICING the striking young woman sitting opposite him, passenger Wilton Hence (28) pictured her as his perfect partner, sharing romantic candlelit dinners together and discussing the novels of Paul Auster long into the night. Extrapolating wildly from her slightly hippy clothes and the top of a book protruding from her bag, Hence imagined them attending retrospectives of the early films of Terry Gilliam and bonding over a shared love of shortlived science fiction series Firefly. But in reality, the girl, 27-year-old administrative assistant Stacie Putnam, was carrying the latest Harry Potter book, had switched over in disinterest after the opening 10 minutes of Monty Python’s Meaning of Life, and thinks all science fiction is “stupid”. Fortunately, the fragile bubble of

Hence’s daydream was left unburst, as he failed to make any contact with Putnam during the 15-minute journey, abandoning his plan to hand her the doodle he had drawn in his notebook in case it would “come across a bit stalkery”. Indeed, when the girl at one point made eye contact with Hence and smiled, he blushed and quickly looked down at his feet. Miss Putnam was the third girl to be incorrectly imagined as a perfect match by Hence that year, following ‘cute girl reading The Independent’ who sat next to him in a coffee shop in early February (her engagement ring went unnoticed) and ‘red-haired girl in Watchmen T-shirt’ who passed him in the street in April (she thought it was an acid house logo).

did you know?

OVERHEARD

Scotland is made entirely out of papier-mâché. It was constructed in 1904 to lure over American tourists. This of course explains the ridiculous clothing/ accent/musical instruments/cuisine/facial hair.

”

ENTIRE LIVES SUMMED UP IN ONE OVERHEARD REMARK

Girl on bus, Kilburn. Overheard by AM

H.S.

#172

“

He extrapolated wildly from her slightly hippy clothes and the top of a book protruding from her bag.

JH (& Michaelangelo) WWW.MUSTARDWEB.ORG

SCRIPT:

ART:

9 AM MD

WWW.MUSTARDWEB.ORG &

THE MUSTARD INTERVIEW

Graham Linehan A D E L I GHT F U L I NTE RVI E W

Graham Linehan is creator of The IT Crowd and co-writer of BAFTA winning Father Ted , Black Books , The Alexie Sayle Show and Big Train . He also wrote for ground-breaking satire The Day Today and co-wrote The Fast Show ’s Ted & Ralph The IT Crowd is your fourth sitcom. What is it that draws you to this format? FTER Father Ted and Black Books I felt “well, I know how to do sitcoms, I’m getting a bit bored so I should try and do something else”. So I wrote a few screenplays and a couple of things happened. I did a couple of adaptations and an original idea and they just didn’t work. Quite simply, I hadn’t yet developed the skills to carry a story that long. I still feel movie writing is a bit of a mystery to me. Although I am good at punching up scenes and structure if the ‘heavy lifting’ of a first draft has already been done. But the structure of a sitcom episode is quite simple: the characters start off in a certain situation, they get into trouble and then they get back to the beginning. So the structure is, if you like, A-B-A, whereas a film is A-B-C-D-E-F-GH-I-J-K: characters begin a certain way and end up undergoing a major change. A film should concern itself with the most important thing that ever happened to the central character. And I find that a difficult format to master because my characters never learn and never change. Also, film-making is a very long process. You could spend years just raising the money, and I don’t have the patience for that.

“THE TREASURE IS BURIED UNDER THE CHRIST MY CHEST HURTS“

So I thought, okay, one thing I can do is write sitcoms and I could have something on within a year. I’d been off the radar since Black Books, about four years ago, so I really had to get something else out there to show I can still do it. And the other thing is, I do think there’s a slight chance the world might be ending – you know, with global warming. So, a film is too much of a risk, but I might be able to do a sitcom that’ll make people feel a bit happy during a pretty horrible time. Did you script-doctor on any films we might have heard of? You would know of them, but nearly every film I’ve script-doctored has been a heap of junk. I did it purely for the money. When you’re doing it you have a little period where you think “I’m writing some pretty good stuff here, this might actually turn out to be good!” Then quite soon after you realise “what am I talking about?”. I can’t really tell you what films they were because I don’t want to insult the people who worked on them. Do you worry about putting good jokes in films that no-one will see? Actually, I’d be perfectly happy to write my best joke for a heap of junk. I’m very much a believer that if you think the well of inspiration is shallow, then it will be, but if you think it’s very

deep then it will be deep. So I’ve never worried about that. Every time I ‘give away’ a good joke, I know there’s more jokes out there. Your last three sitcoms share a certain dynamic: three or four characters, one’s lovably naive (Dougal, Manny, Moss) – is that something that particularly works for you? Yes, it seems to. To be honest, I would probably be more comfortable writing just two men. I do find it hard to write for woman, as do a lot of male writers. But I don’t want to be lazy or exclusive, so I make a special effort to write comically interesting female characters. I never want women in my shows to just be commenting on how silly the men are being. They also have to have negative characteristics to make it funny. I saw Seinfeld quite early on and that’s been my model, it’s got a lovely structure and that’s kind of what The IT Crowd is; two friends, a woman and a kind of crazy Kramer type figure, like Richmond even though he’s a very different character. But yeah, I wouldn’t mind repeating that dynamic for the rest of my life, ‘cos it works for me. My only intention is to create a format that enables me to tell loads of jokes. How important is casting? Hugely. I don’t think Father Ted

THE IT CROWD * SITCOMS & MOVIES * CHARACTER DYNAMICS would have hit the ground running as much as it did if we hadn’t had Ardal O’Hanlon. After the first episode we got a few bad reviews, but by the end of the sixth – which is a hell of a short time when you think about it – people were already saying it was one of the best things ever. Most sitcoms don’t get a start like that, and I think Ardal was our secret weapon: he pulled everyone in, and then they could enjoy the subtleties – if that’s the right word – of Ted’s character or Jack or Mrs Doyle. Actually, when we were casting for Mrs Doyle, we were beginning to despair. No one was getting it; no one had the right mixture of obsequiousness and the slightly crazed side. Then, very late in the day, Pauline sent in a video of herself doing the script and she was perfect, such a great physical and comic actress. So, casting, yeah, very important.

The IT Crowd is also the third sitcom to have an Irish character. That’s totally accidental. When Chris O’Dowd first came in to audition, he was great, but I was really against him because I didn’t want Roy to be Irish. Then we saw him again and he was even better. Fucking hell! So I had to use

“

I,m very much a geek. I,m into computer games and alternative music, I was a huge sci-fi fan as a kid. I tick all the boxes.

”

him because if I’d thrown away a comic actor as skilled as he was, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Chris has a really strong Irish accent too, and I would hate it if people watched The IT Crowd and thought it was an ethnic show. That was our big worry on Ted, that people would think we were writing something for the Irish community. No, no! It’s not that they’re Irish, they’re just people.

computers and I hate sports...oh, and I was a huge science fiction fan as a kid. Yes, I would say I tick all the boxes. One of the things you’ve done in The IT Crowd is fill the set with all the geeky things you like. And I haven’t gone as far as I’d like, because sometimes we have trouble getting clearances for what I wanted, so there are posters for things I don’t really have any interest in. The thing I’m happiest about is getting lots of Fantagraphics comics onto the set and also lots of Guided by Voices records – my favourite band since The Pixies. So I’m hoping as the show gets bigger that people will contact me and say “can we be on the set?”. And if I’m a fan, then yeah. I’m always trying to get freebies. I really want Fantagraphics to send me a care package, because there’s no good comic shops in Ireland and I’m starving for them. There aren’t many references to things like MySpace or ‘Web 2.0’ in The IT

Do you consider yourself a geek? Well, I like computer games, German board games, indie music, comics,

Why is Mustard in this photo? The Mustard issue with the Alan Moore interview (#6, vol 1) is one of the things Graham wanted to have on The IT Crowd set (you can see it in several episodes; Moss is reading it in ‘Moss & The German’). When we heard about this we had a small nerdgasm, then asked if we could interview Graham. Then later, we were really chuffed to see these publicity photos with Chris holding the mag.

Richard Ayoade (Moss), Katherine Parkinson (Jen) and Chris O’Dowd (Roy) in The IT Crowd © TALKBACK PRODUCTIONS / CHANNEL 4 WWW.MUSTARDWEB.ORG

That's all you get in this 10-page free preview! Buy the mag for just ÂŁ2 to see all 36 pages. www.mustardweb.org

Buy the mag for just ÂŁ2 to see all 36 pages. www.mustardweb.org WWW.MUSTARDWEB.ORG