S N A K E on a plane

– BY CINDY MOORE –

CAN AIRLINE TRAVEL GET ANY CRAZIER?

Seriously, hundreds of flights were cancelled during the holiday season and brawls between passengers are constantly breaking out 30,000 feet above the ground and now people are sneaking their pets onboard in their overhead bags. I should clarify, emotional support pets, but pets nonetheless.

Just recently someone tried to sneak their “emotional support” boa onboard a flight.

Now let me unfold the scenario if that pet owner had unraveled their snake mid-flight from the overhead compartment in “my” seat aisle.

Pet person: “Oh my, I’m feeling uneasy and need something to ease my anxiety.”

Me: “Sweetie, I know just what you mean. Flying always gets my insides into a dither. Especially when the pilot steps on the gas and hits those icy patches of turbulence then spins a few donuts just for the heck of it. But don’t fret I have an extra Dramamine that will do the trick.”

Pet person: “Thanks, but I’m going to need something more; the snuggles of my sweet sugar boy are the only thing that will get me through this. Would you mind getting my bag from the luggage bin and handing Wally to me?”

Me getting her bag down: “Sure thing. What’ve you got stowed away in here? A little kitty? A furry hamster? I’ll bet it’s one of those fuzzy baby…!” Just then a slippery creature slides out and winds around my arm.

“Sweet mother of Satan! What the holy freak is this fanged slimy snot rope doing in your underwear bag?!” I unwind it and fling it six rows back. It lands atop a burly man who starts squealing like a baby piglet caught under a fence post! He tosses the serpent to his wife across the aisle who shrieks, turns white and faints into an unresponsive coma. Wally slithers down the aisle.

Pandemonium ensues and everyone in coach jam packs into first class. The scaly beast stays coiled up in coach for the remainder of the flight, but no one complains because we all get two packets of peanuts instead of one and unlimited beverage refills in the premium class section so win, win.