Moore on Life

Thanks, but no thanks

BY CINDY MOORE

WHAT A GLOOMY DOOMY YEAR, HUH?

With all the fires, earthquakes, hurricanes, bug infestations,and a mega virus on top of it you’re probably thinking there’s not much to be thankful for during this season of gratitude. Well cheer up because it’s time to look for silver linings! Very funny! You can quit pointing at my hair roots, smarty pants. Just because I haven’t been to the beauty salon for a proper dye job in six months doesn’t give you license to make rude jokes. So let’s look on the bright side. Perhaps a murder hornet will burrow into your nostril as you sleep tonight. (That was a little back-at-ya joke.) I have been known to be a tad vindictive. Now then, what things can we be thankful for with this nasty corona thing? Social distancing makes my husband ecstatic. “You mean I have a legitimate reason to not attend boring family parties and have to make up fake chit-chat or hug your smelly Aunt Fiona.” “What do you mean smelly? She bathes.” “I mean she always smells like an overly ripe fruit salad with Old Spice for dressing.” He’s thankful for that. He’s also happy that everyone has been isolated for months. “The traffic is awesome. I can drive over 25 miles per hour on the freeway during rush hour without stopping every ten feet and sucking in exhaust fumes.” Personally, I’m thankful for masks. Now I don’t have to wear makeup to the store and can make faces at random people. The other day I dashed in to finish up some grocery shopping. I had my hands on a perfectly ripened cantaloupe in the produce section, but some lady in workout attire snapped it up right out from under my grasp. We made eye contact. I stuck my tongue out at her. Good thing I had my mask on. She looked like she worked out. She could have bench pressed me right there next to the avocado display. Here’s another thing to be grateful for. We can now be at home with our own family for a longer period of time. We’ll get to know one another better by playing games, watching movies and engaging in meaningful conversation. I got the stink eye from my husband. I just know he’s sticking his tongue out at me from under that mask.