Moore on Life

The awakening

FINALLY, BUSINESSES HAVE STARTED TO OPEN UP AGAIN. It’s like we’ve been in a deep hibernation for months now. Even so, things are definitely going to be a lot different. My hair needs coloring; three inches of gray roots are showing. I call for an appointment. “Hello, can I schedule a dye and cut stat?!” “The soonest we can get you in is the end of June.” “Huh? I think you meant July.” “Oh honey no, I meant 2021.” The same with dentists. My teeth are fuzzy and feel like I’m growing fur on them. They need a good cleaning or a shave. I ring the office to see when I can get in. “Uh, you’re a tad late,” says the receptionist. “We just filled our schedule for the year.” “But I’m desperate. My teeth feel like I’ve eaten a stuffed animal. Okay, pencil me in for the first of next year.” “Sorry, he’ll be retired by then.” Fine! I head to the grocery store to find some deepcleaning toothpaste or sandpaper, whichever works best. But I’m not used to walking around crowds of people and feel a little uneasy. These bacteria-infested humans are the things we’ve been told to avoid for months. Everyone is eyeing one another suspiciously like one of us is a jack-inthe-box ready to spring or worse…SNEEZE! Ah-CHOO! Someone let loose a big juicy one. Sweet mother! We all duck for cover under the avocado display! A man next to me grabs one from the top and appears to pull a pin from it then lobs it towards the offending sneezer. I comment, “You do know that’s an avocado and not a grenade, right?” He looks at me sheepishly, “Sorry. Reflex leftover from ‘Nam.” I guess we’re all a little on edge. Suddenly, nature calls right there in the produce aisle. I panic. I’ve been programmed not to touch anything. I use fist bumps to greet friends; my elbows to open doors; knuckles to punch buttons on touchscreens and I’ll give the elevator buttons a quick ninja kick with the toe of my shoe. So there is no way I’m going to the bathroom in a public place. I have a feeling adult diaper sales are going to go way up. I’m going to stock up.