TELEVISION INDECISION

It’s official, TV control is a major subject of contention for couples, edging out naggy mother-in-law issues and take-out-thegarbage issues by a hair.

I can relate. Our problems begin with the volume.

Me: “Turn that down! I can’t hear myself think.”

Husband: “Then turn your thinker up. My volume’s just fine.”

From there it goes to program decisions.

Me: “Let’s watch a Jane Austen movie.”

Him: “No can do. I’ve got to go clean the cat’s box.”

“You’d rather do that than watch my movie?”

“The decision was a tough one, but it was cat box, drive splinters up my fingernails or watch a top hats and bonnets show. I made the sacrifice.”

The issues continue.

Me: “What’s this you’re watching tonight?”

Him: “Shhh. It’s the final game of the almost final game before the really final game of the MLB.”

“How exciting. Who are the ones wearing the red uniforms?”

Glaring eyes. “The Cardinals.”

“Oh nice. I want them to win. I like the color red and cardinals are my favorite bird. You know we had a nest of cardinals in the bush out front. I had to keep the cats in because I was afraid they’d eat them. Hey, who’s in the other uniforms? They’re kind of a bland color. I’m sure that won’t help their performance. What does MLB stand for?”

Glaring and red faced. “The first letter stands for MURDER. The next ones mean LEAVE BEFORE-it-happens!”

And then there’s this.

We’ve finally decided on a movie after searching for hours to find one we both can agree on. Of course, by then it’s 10 p.m. and we’re both a little dozy, but we settle in and the show begins.

Five minutes into the movie he’s snoring and I’m in a deep coma with drool puddling onto my pillow. I wake up at midnight to the television playing the credits for the program.

I give my husband a mean jab in the ribs and he snort-swallows and chokes himself awake.

“What?! Where am I? Who shot me?!”

“Wake up. The movie’s about to start.”

“Huh? Okay. I’m ready.”

I restart the show and we immediately both fall back to sleep. At least that’s something we can agree on.