Hogspore News: You don’t have to cook anymore

By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson

Punkin was telling me what she heard on a cooking show. She said, “The host was saying that, with the modern conveniences in the kitchen and the prepared foods you can buy at the grocery store or online, you don’t have to cook anymore. My deceased home economics teacher, Poultryla Fowler is rolling in her giblet gravy.”

The county south of Muleberry County is Least County. It’s the poorest county in Arkansas. The capital city is Fringe. It’s divided into Upper Fringe and Lower Fringe. The folks in Upper Fringe keep their doors locked, but they’re still poor. The citizens in Lower Fringe don’t keep their doors locked cause they ain’t got anything to steal. They still have their dignity, but they rent that out to social climbers in Upper Fringe. The only industry in Upper Fringe is a family business that makes dolls for the unfortunate humble. The product’s name is Baby Dowel, made with wooden dowels. The doll is not real cuddly. It has a recycled kitchen cabinet knob head with a painted face and sawdust hair glued on top.

Pie Week started Monday. It’s a week of crust-busting fun, a Best Pie Contest, followed by a Pie-eating Competition, and a parade. The ditches are already full of pie filling sludging through town. We got a retention pond outside of town, but nobody can see it or get near it till the flies have had their filling fill.

Today is National Handwriting Day, but we don’t celerbrate that any more. We still teach Cursive Writing and Math in school. Neither one are necessary, but we do it anyway, so the Federal Guvernment will leave us alone.

Today’s selection is from the late Butterbean McCurdy, race car driver and rancher. This Butterbean quote came after a slipstream crash when he was recovering from a concussion. “Riding a horse is like riding a bicycle, cept it’s higher off the ground, it don’t have pedals, and you step in something nasty. If a horse throws you, may you always land in a big pile of marshmallows.”

You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com You know you wanna.

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