Mark C "I never grew up" by New Hanbury Project

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p u w e r g r I nev e

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Mark C

MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

! ! !Mark C “I never grew up” interviewed by Rod B

! ! !!

Rod Tell us Mark, tell us.

! !Mark

So where I’m from?

! My name is Mark. I’m 34 years old. I was born in a place called Gloucester in the West !Country and as far young as I can remember, I always had an attitude of um . . . . . . . I didn’t care.

You know, I used to always play out. I used to play my family out, my friends, I used to play !out. And you know I um, how do you say it? From a very, very, very young age I never grew up.

I went to school . .

Rod Trouble?

! Mark !

Yeah sort of trouble, trouble at school kind of thing and I never really brought it home though. I was one of those people who, you know, I could say, “Everything’s alright.” And everything wasn’t.

I never really spoke about feelings, what was going on. I played . . . you know, I was at school and I was still freely roaming, wanting to fart around . . .

! Rod !

Ha ha ha. 2

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark . . . and never take anything seriously, never look to the future, never think about what I was doing may be annoying people, not considering anything. How do you say it, “I never grew !up.”

And when I found out that I was good at something, like a lesson or something like that and it drew attention to myself and I got a ribbing. I thought it was bullying. It wasn’t, it was just !ribbing and all that kind of stuff.

I just . . . because I drew attention to myself, I would take a step back from it, you know. I was . . . I don’t know what the word is. I did not like attention. In a sense I did, but when I !was around people I did not like drawing attention to myself.

That went on from . . . that went on most of my life really. Around the home it was the same, it was like very fearful.

Rod Did you have a big family?

! !Mark

There was me, my brother, my Mum and my Dad. We lived in a . . . we had everything we needed. We had a house - a roof over our head, food in the cupboard.

! !My Dad worked, he was always away a lot. Yeah, he worked away, all round the country. I think he was an engineer.

And my Mum, she didn’t start work until I’d got into Secondary School. Completely selfsupporting as a family unit, you know, the lack of gratitude . . . !

I had a lack of gratitude for everything, you know, I always wanted more. I played up more. I was really, really afraid . . . afraid . . . of um . . . me and my brother.

My brother used to kind of get to me. I call it . . . not physically bullying but he used to mentally bully me.

! Rod !

Yeah, niggle. 3

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark Niggle me. And due to my not being able to react around people, you know, I always used to ! take it to heart, take things personally.

Rod But you didn’t share, you said that you didn’t share?

!! Mark

No. I did not share the stuff, I internalised this kind of thing. And then . . . .

! The same with my old man, you know I used to hate when I’d done something wrong !because I’d get a clip round the ear, I’d get shouted at and I’d freeze up kinda thing. My emotions I know were up and down. But for some reason . . . I got through it.

! I used to come home from school and I’d be asked, “How was your day at school?” !!

And regardless of if I’d been shouted at, told to stand outside the classroom or whatever, “Yeah, yeah everything’s alright.”

! !“Was you good?’ !

“Yeah, of course I was.” Of course Mum obviously just believed everything I’d say kinda thing.

So from a very, very young age I learnt how to be dishonest without realising I was dishonest. You know, I also became dishonest in that I used to take things.

! Rod ! Steal? !

Mark Yeah, ! I did not know that stealing was wrong, if you know what I mean?

And then when I got challenged about it, I would swear until I was red in the face and sweating that it wasn’t me. Knowing inside that all I had to do was own up and say, “Yes, it was me.” But I was full of ‘self’ and afraid of the consequences.

So by the time I got to Secondary School at the age of 11 I was an infant still. 4

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod You hadn’t really matured. !You hadn’t really grown?

Mark No, I hadn’t grown. From day at Secondary School !one I had a really hard time.

Its just boys being boys, that’s all it was.

Rod And that can be cruel.

!!Mark

...at the ag e of 11 I was an in fant still.

Yeah, some of it was cruel but at the end of the day a lot of people just stood up for themselves, take the banter and give it back kinda thing.

! !I didn’t, I didn’t want to. I was afraid of the reaction, that I’d get beat up. !

But going back to our family home. My interest as a young child was fishing, that was the only sorta time I felt comfortable around my old man. And my second interest was, the only !other time I felt comfortable was when I was in a pub.

Rod Oh wow. So your old man went to the pub and you went fishing with your old man?

Mark We went fishing. And it was even better when we went fishing and went to the pub afterwards, ha, ha . . . because . . . And that was before I even started drinking.

Rod Ha, ha wow.

! !Mark

I just, you know I just used to like . . . Walking into a pub was like walking into a palace. 5

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod Isn’t that amazing?

Mark It was like, you know I used to like, how would you say because . . . ? When I went fishing we was away from the home. If I was at school I was . . . when I was in the home I was !fearful but when I was out in the fresh air or in the pub, that was totally different.

‘Cos you know I loved the smell of the beer, I used to like playing pool ‘cos I was good at it. I got good at pool from a very young age because I went to a lot a lot of pubs.

Rod Lots of practice!

! Mark ! Exactly. So whilst my old man was drinking away and all that, I’d be there on the pool table. ! How would you say? I used to like the smell. I used to believe that all the adults at the bar chatting and laughing was like . . . woh, that was the life, “I can’t wait to be 18 when I can ! go into the pub and drink for myself.”

But before that I went through school, my dishonesties got more.

!! Rod

Lies on top of lies.

! Mark !Yeah, lies on top of lies on top of lies on top of lies. I forgot how to tell the truth to be honest with you. I started bunking off Secondary School, I started blaming everyone, I started justifying why I was bunking off school, you know. Walking around town, Gloucester City Town Centre, all !day at the age of 12, 13 on my own. They was very, very long days. I had no money, just a lunchbox.

! Rod !And by yourself? 6

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark Sometimes with a friend. I now realise . . . he asked me to bunk off for one day and in the end, the second time . . . I’m an alcoholic, addict through and through because, like !beingondishonest, when I done it once, I automatically done it again.

And it was the same with like when I went into a pub atmosphere, I didn’t want to go out, I wanted to stay in there. And that was when I had a glass of Coke and a packet of crisps. !Ha, ha, ha.

Rod Ha, ha, well Coke can be addictive. Its the salt in the chips too.

Mark I tell you what. I remember the first time I bunked off, somebody asked me. And then the next day, “Shall we do it again?”

Rod And that became your lifestyle.

! !Mark

And that was it. Like I said, I was very dishonest. I used to be given school reports and I used to rip them up and throw them down the drain. I used to look at them, “I can’t show my parents this, you know.” I’ll just rip them up and throw them down the drain and never !mention this kinda thing.

Rod So you didn’t get into trouble for bunking off from school?

Mark It caught up with me, it caught up with me. I remember for one day I um . . . I was sat indoors. I used to always, I learnt, I was very dishonest. What I used to do when I was !around my old man, I used to talk to him. I did used to like to talk to him, but I used to talk to him to find out what kinda mood he was in, if he would talk back.

And this one day he was like, “Uh, uh, uh,” and then he just turned around to me and says, “How ! was school today?”

I was, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” And he’s like, “You’re a liar,” kinda thing. 7

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

He had this form in front of him, with all these days I’d skived off school ! and all that.

Rod The school had sent, the teacher had sent?

Mark Yeah, yeah. And it got caught up with me.

Rod What age was that?

! !Mark

I had no an

Probably about 13 years old. But I think I’d literally done a month. I used to get token the piss out of at school because !we didn’t have a phone in the house. But I used to see that as a plus because the teachers couldn’t phone home.

swer

Rod And find out where you were.

! !Mark

Yeah, and I lived a mile away. I heard stories about there was people who skived off who lived around the corner. The whole class would go and knock on your door ha ha.

! !Rod

Ha, ha.

Mark But ! I used to . . . it got caught up with me and I just owned up. And it was like, “Why?” And when I got asked why I had done stuff, I had no answer. 8

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod And you really didn’t know or you didn’t know how to say it?

!! Mark

I didn’t know, I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was because I took bullying to heart. It was because I was what they call maladjusted from early experiences not wanting to draw attention to myself. And when I got asked, “Why?” I just said . . . I remember I used to !shake and nearly tearful and say, “I don’t know.”

I remember I went in the one day, I had to start going . . .

!! Rod

After that, you needed to go back to school again?

! Mark !I can’t remember what the consequences was but I think, I believe, its very vague you know, we’re talking nearly 20 years ago now. I remember that I got told that I had to go so I started going to school. You know I was just going because I was told to go, that kinda thing.

And then it started again, I started bunking off again, not for long. I remember the one day I for some reason, I went out of the house and I thought, “I’m going to bunk off today.” I used to walk 10 miles out of the town, something like that. Just walk along the river all on my own !in my head fantasising, daydreaming, replaying stuff over and over and over in my mind, reliving scenarios and all that.

And this day I thought, “No, I’m going to go to school.” Good job I was ‘cos I got called out !of class. My Mum and dad was in the room waiting for me . . . ha, ha, ha.

Rod Ha, ha, ha.

Mark Talk about some kind of higher power looking after me that day but not knowing, not knowing, not knowing it. I got put on some report.

For some reason when I was on a controlled report where I had to be, when I turned up the school teacher would have to sign a piece of paper. Every single lesson they 9

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

had to sign a piece of paper. When I was on that report, I was happy, because it was controlled and I had to do it.

Rod Was it sort of security, was it?

! !Mark

I don’t know . . . because if it wasn’t for that signature, you know . . . I faked my old man’s signature and all that to get a day off school before I started, “I’m just gonna bunk off.” But I couldn’t get round it so I had to do it.

To cut a long story short, I ended up just sitting at school doing the remaining year and a half, putting up with what I had to put up with, never really saying, “Boo” to anyone, playing football, you know I was happy playing football. Every single lunchtime we played football.

You know, the only thing I liked at school was really . . . I used to like Mathematics and Sports. I think when I sort of came to my exams I started, I bumped off a couple of times near the end, near the very end when it was time for the exams and I was leaving school. And ! I done my exams. I got thrown out of a couple of them, you know. I didn’t, I had no knowledge of five years of school kinda thing.

When I went up to get my exam results, how do you say? I started writing down fake ones, cos getting like, I think I got Es and Fs and Gs and stuff like that. And I got home and I !got aI was right roasting.

Rod So this was like posted on a bulletin board or something?

Mark Yeah, like one of those cork boards kinda thing.

!! Rod

Yeah, yeah.

! Mark !And um, nah, I just went and said . . . I got a right roasting about why I’ve ruined the rest of my life and all that kinda thing. 10

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod That’s a big thing.

!! Mark

Yeah, why? I could not see the logic of school.

! Rod !Could you read and write? Had you learnt Maths? !

Mark I know how to read and write to get by. I never read books at school, I never really done !homework or nothing like that.

And I remember I got a roasting and my old man was disappointed. And to see my old man disappointed affected me, it really did affect me. I couldn’t see what the big deal was. I !enrolled onto some electronic course at College.

In the meantime, I’ll just go back a couple of years, when we was, how would you say? We had our own house and when I was young, we’d be in the garden and my old Mum would !be giving me cider. Not strong Cider but it was alcohol none the less.

Rod It was the taste of it.

Mark It was called GL West Country Cider. It was like Lemonade to me. I remember, I used to be given a big glass and I’d just drink the whole lot.

You know, I’m an Addict in every single area of my life, from the tips of my toes, the finger tips to the top of my head, in my behaviour. I used to drink Cider and ask for more. I never used to feel any kind of effect on it. It was a drink which I liked to taste.

Rod That would be 1% or what?

! Mark !

I think it is about 2 or 3% and you drank it warm. It wasn’t a white Cider, its like a gold colour Cider. 11

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

And then I remember, I used to wake up in the early hours of the morning. I used to go downstairs and there’d be Pop in the house, Coke and Lemonade . . . sometimes there !wasn’t. Apart from when we was doing work in the garden there was never really alcohol around.

But my family, they never drank wine. So on a few occasions there was only wine, there !wasn’t no Pop. So I’d just crack open a bottle of wine, drink it, hide the bottle, go back to bed and wake up and go to school the next day.

So from a very young age, I drank. So I had my behaviour, I had my drinking.

Christmas, my Mum would say, “Go and wish the neighbours a Merry Christmas.” You knock on three neighbours’ doors, you’re drunk, they give you a glass of sherry.

! And ! this why my old man was a strict disciplinary person. It was like, I remember a day he

went off his head when he found out I smoked. He was a heavy smoker but I suppose, you know what I mean, he didn’t want me to do it.

! Christmas times, I always kicked off when I didn’t get what I’d want. You know, I was very, ! very, very ungrateful, very inappreciative, very inconsiderate child. !

Then I went to College in the next town, called Cheltenham. I’d come out of school with no qualifications so I enrolled in an Electronics Course . . . Electronics . . . ha ha ha ha! !

Rod Not a natural progression there.

!! Mark

I wanted to be an Electronic Engineer. I had no qualifications you know. And somehow I got on this Course and I remember going to the Induction and they were talking about all this stuff like . . . what the hell did they just say?

You know, I excelled. Two days a week I was in Gloucester, two days a week I was in Cheltenham, the Cheltenham side was the Electronics. I didn’t really . . . I used to like going to Cheltenham because you’re going to a different town, you’re independent, you’re 16 and !you’re travelling to the next town. 12

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod And you stayed overnight?

Mark No, no. It was only 25 minutes, half an hour by bus. Its not like London, its !more spread out, about 10 miles away.

In Gloucester, we done the IT side and I learnt the basics of Computering you !know. I spent most of the time in the Refectory playing computer games.

! Rod !So you didn’t go to Lectures there either? !

I was

g n i t a n i halluc

Mark Only the ones I liked, only the ones I liked. I picked and chose everything. I virtually failed, !as soon as I went for it I just failed.

Then I started bunking off again. Work experience that I’d done at school, work experience that I’d done at College, I bunked off. For some reason I enjoyed my own company.

And you know, the opposite sex. I’ve always loved women but you know I had a . . . you know what I mean . . . seemed a mystery to me, just talking to another lady, just talking to a lady you know . . .

Rod It was scary was it?

! Mark !

It was very, very, very scary. I come out of College . . . at College I was introduced to cannabis. Like I said, being an alcoholic, an addict from when I was 3.

! Somebody said, “Do you want some of this?” I didn’t even ask what it was. I just took it. You ! know, it made me paranoid, I was hallucinating.

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I remembered that day because I had to go to Electronic Mathematics straight away after and I couldn’t understand when I was straight headed let alone when I had something in me, ha, ! ha, ha . . .

Rod It’d look like Egyptian hieroglyphics ha, ha, ha.

Mark I remember the teacher commenting, “What have you been on lunchtime?” I was really paranoid. And then as soon as I come down, I forgot about it.

That was my first introduction to drugs, when I was 16. I had my first drink when I was probably around 12 or 13. I started smoking fags when I was 16 and got introduced to cannabis when I was 16, you know.

!! I failed school, I failed college, got a part time job cleaning and I heard a rumour that we was gonna get laid off so I walked out of the job. I heard a rumour off somebody off somebody. I can’t believe I walked out of the job, it was nice job you know. I’d go home . . . I did not know how to . . . .

Rod And you were still living at home?

!! Mark

I was still living at home.

! Rod !Your bother was there? !

Mark My brother was there. But the stealing got worse and worse, I was taking more and more. I !wasn’t really trying to be secretive or sneaky about it, those inhibitions. I don’t think there was a line, I just done it. The more I got away with it, the more I done it.

I took some money once and my old man called out the police to deter me kinda thing. That !didn’t stop me, they just gave me a talking to. I now know that I was motivated by material things. I wanted this, that. I wanted money, didn’t want to earn it, didn’t know how to earn it. 14

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I did not know that working was honourable . . . and self-respecting. People respected you more and that kinda thing.

Rod And your brother was . . . did he do the same or he was just totally different?

! Mark !

My brother took the line. My brother is the total opposite of me and I respect him for that. I’ll get to that in a little while. At that time I hated my brother, I now know it was jealousy.

! Cos ! he could just boom . . He used to go clubbing out on his own just boom . . talk to the opposite sex and boom . . just go to work and boom . . just come home and . . . . he, he, he. ! You know, I was just still playing around at the age of 3 or 4, I was still doing exactly the same, ! but I was 17 and 18.

I started taking more and more risks, stealing got more and more and I remember . . . I woke up one morning . . . my Mum burst into my bedroom and said, “Look son, you’ve got to get out. You know you took that money.” Like you know, for the first time in my life, it !wasn’t me! It really wasn’t me but . . .

Rod Oh, the one you were caught, you were innocent, ha, ha.

Mark It was the only time in my life I was innocent. But you know what I did not . . . I could see why, I could see why I got blamed.

To be honest with you, I didn’t really care. It was like, “Son you gotta get out of here, find a place to stay.“ It wasn’t the fact of, “How can you do this to me?”

! !Yes, I mean I took it into my 30s this thing, But all I thought, “I’m out of here, I’m on my way here.”

! Rod ! the big, bad world. Into 15

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark No job, not a penny. “I’m on my way!”

Rod Well this is going to be an adventure.

! !Mark

It started off my adventure of, how would you say, 17 years . . . 1995 I got thrown out of home. And it started like nearly 14, 15 years of total and utter mayhem. In Gloucester I moved from B&B to B&B, I got on the dole, I got on the dole just for the money. It was easy, you ! got paid a couple of quid, not much. It just always went on booze.

Friends I made, kinda thing, they were the same, they liked to drink, they’d been thrown out of home and all that. And then I started harming friends. I now realise people, you know . . . how ! would you say . . . . . I never really had a friendship. You just spoke to people.

Rod Sort of acquaintances?

!! Mark

Yeah, it was always just acquaintances. When you had a drink you might have a conversation. That’s how I had my first . . . how would you say . . . that how I met my first girl . . . well she wasn’t even a girlfriend to be honest. She was my first acquaintance with a !female.

We were out like, drinking, and that was when I was 17 and you know . . . you know I had the sexual instincts of an animal,if you know what I mean. There was no kind of morals !there. I wasn’t thinking of her. At the age of 17, I had one girlfriend and we were together for about a week.

! I had dreams as a child, when I was real, real young that I’d just expect that I’d get a job, !maybe meet someone and marry. About the age of 18, I’d already been evicted from a few places, thrown out my family. I wasn’t even really on talking terms but I knew how bad I’d harmed them because I felt the pain of it.

! !So I stopped going to see them. 16

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

When I first got arrested, I was with a friend in Gloucester and we went out and got absolutely tanked up and I thought it would be a good idea to steal a car.

Rod Owww!

! Mark !

And so I got caught, right, that was my first offense. I didn’t get charged or nothing with it. That was my first offense, then I got into deeper stuff you know. People I hung around with and all that.

I can’t blame them. I had an opportunity to say, “No,” but I looked up to these kind of people. A lot of it was just taking things.

! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !Rod

People I hung around with and all that

It was pinching stuff rather than violence?

! Mark !Yeah, I wasn’t really . . . I was afraid of violence. I had quite an experience when I was younger you know, just somebody raising their voice at me. I steered well clear of violence.

About the age of 20 I’d already probably lived in half a dozen places, I’d already lived in !Cheltenham and Gloucester. I just had no desire for any kind . . . . . I did not . . . . because of not taking my academic life too seriously. 17

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Or looking at being grateful for friendships I had but not building on those friendships instead of burning those relationships. I didn’t really know it, I had a real low opinion of life. I’d become very, very angry, very very young. !

I just woke up one day and said, “I’m gonna to go to London. There’s gotta be something there for me.”

Rod Big city.

! Mark !Yeah, big city. You know, I had no qualifications or nothing. Went to London with a friend. Soon as I got to London I just wanted to be on my own.

! I lived in this fantasy in my head that life wasn’t bad. I had no job, no qualification, no !connection with family and that kinda thing. !

I got rejection off my Mum on my 18th birthday, “What you doing son. Your Dad doesn’t want me to see you?” I went and drunk a bottle of Vodka. I still feel upset today. But that didn’t !stop me from drinking.

I went to London, I met people just like me. We drank all day, we took drugs, we were very anti-social. “I” was very anti-social, I’ll take that “we” out of it, this is about me. I was very !anti-social, like a constant gerbil wheel, going round and round.

Rod Whereabout’s in London did you come?

Mark When I first came to London I found a Day Centre, that was it. I was in kinda Day Centre living on the breadline from a very young age of my adult life. So when I came to London I went ! straight to a Day Centre.

I think, most people think, “ I’ve got to get a job and start giving to society.“ I think what I did was buy bag of Stella and want to go and see Trafalgar Square. (giggles)

! !Three days later, I was on the streets, homeless. And I had my first, first, first, first real feeling of reality. “What are you gonna do now, kinda thing?” 18

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod ‘Cos the city is harder than the country, than Gloucester or Cheltenham?

Mark Well for the first time my head hit reality in my whole entire life. I was 20. For the first time in life I had my first moment of clarity, of being present and it was . . . I was in King’s Cross at 2! o’clock in the morning and I didn’t know what to do.

I went to a place over in Piccadilly and they got me into a Hostel in Marylebone just off Edgware Road, its called “New to London”.

I moved into this Hostel and all of a sudden, as soon as I moved into this Hostel and made a few friends, exactly people like me, young people from out of London who’d fallen out on hard times. As soon as I moved into this Hostel it was heaven.

!! Everyone was taking drugs, everyone drinking. There was women there, you know. All of a sudden, those problems I had 24 hours before just vanished, vanished into the abyss.

! I lived in a continuous sorta gerbil wheel mode. I wouldn’t pay my bills, I’d get evicted, I’d do !a bit of time on the street. I’ve done a lot of crime in a short space of time. My criminal record is . . . it abruptly stops I think, when I’m about 22-23. It was all the same kinda stuff. I got caught half the time, you know, and took to Court and all that. That stopped abruptly.

! !Rod

Why did it stop?

! Mark !Well I was no good at it to be honest with you. I wasn’t . . .

! Rod !A blessing really. !

I wasn ’t a v e ry good c rimina Mark l I wasn’t a very good criminal, I wasn’t ! good at being dishonest or anything like that. very

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I now know I was sick. I was sick from as soon as I remember opening my eyes. I’ve done the geographical around London, moving from Borough to Borough, Hostel to Hostel. Wandering around London with rucksack on, hating the world because of my jealousy and ! my envy, seeing people having a purpose in life.

I ended up in a Hostel in Bermondsey, then I got a flat in Bethnal Green and for the first time ! in my life, I got a bit of hope. I thought, “Maybe I could do something with this?” I was living a permanent life. But its just self-will you know.

‘Cos of my experiences of growing up, I just thought, “If anything’s gonna happen its gonna come ! off my own doing. If I’m gonna achieve anything its gonna be because of me.”

I ended up in a flat in London, Bethnal Green. I met a girlfriend, she was a working girl, she wanted out of her life. I wanted a girlfriend, it was my first proper relationship. I think it lasted ! hardly 3 months.

Rod So she was working but you weren’t?

!! Mark

She was a working girl, she was a street girl, she was a prostitute. She came off the game actually, I like to feel that I saved her but she . . . she wasn’t doing it but she was on the hard drugs.

I wasn’t on hard drugs at the time, I was just drinking, smoking weed. The first time I’d had a speed habit was when I’d lived in the West Country. She harmed me, she harmed me, she took off me so I had to get revenge. I got retribution.

I got a job, I was trusted with property and I just stole, I stole from them. For the first time in my life I was shown trust, I dunno . . .

! !She turned around to me once, she used to have a laugh with me, wind me up. She said, “

You know the only person I know um . . . don’t you feel? You’re like a stone.” ‘Cos it always used to be, “Whatever, I just don’t care about anything.”

! !I now know what she understood, what she was on about. 20

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Because of an argument we had and because of some wrongs I’d done to a company I worked for, I believed that I was wanted. I think that was the very last time that I committed a crime ! in this country, when I was 22.

I woke up and went abroad. I just woke up and I thought, “I’m going to Amsterdam.” That was it.

Rod To runaway?

! Mark !

I’m sorry, it wasn’t that I woke and going to Amsterdam today. It was premeditated for a week. It was military style, I got my money sorted out. I woke up, went to Victoria about 8 o’clock in the morning, at 10 o’clock I jumped on the coach and I was in Amsterdam at 9 o’clock at night. !

I was walking down the road feeling sorry for myself because for some reason I started remembering things I’d done. I remember walking down the road and someone grabbed me and threw me on the floor and my automatic thought was you know, “Who’s this person?”

It wasn’t, if he wouldn’t have grabbed me I would have been struck by a tram. They don’t stop over there, they don’t have brakes, they just roll and “Beep, beep, beep. Get out of the way!”

Rod So he saved your life.

! !Mark

He saved my life. So that was another intervention which I failed to take head of.

! I lived abroad, hand to mouth, being homeless. I’m living in a foreign country hanging around !with Brits. Eventually I got back in. I got introduced to hard drugs and all that. I sold my passport over there, because I was in that state of mind, “If I don’t have a passport, I can’t get home.” So I lived nearly a year over there and I went into . . . I’d had enough. Like in this country, I was on my own all the time. You know, living hand to mouth, still picking up !cigarettes off the floor. Every now and then you’d have a pang of home sickness. By which time, I’m a total mess. 21

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I went into the Embassy and I said, “Look, you know I’m . . . “ I used an old football injury to get back into the country. They gave me a piece of paper to get through customs and some money. I got back to London, I thought I was going back to a safe place. I want cut a long ! story short now . . .

That went on for . . . . for nearly another 8 years of that. When I was 25 I sort of started realising that . . . 25 or 26, I sort of started to realise that I might have a problem. ‘Cos the ! drink and drugs to me, took me out of reality. It made me believe that I was somebody else in my head. And that what was really going on, wasn’t going on.

! I! come back into East London, I’m in Tower Hamlets you know, and I started hanging

around with old associates, I got back into the hostel system. I dabbled with homeliness 2 or 3 times, I had a flat. I went through Providence Row where I live under now. They moved me into Hackney and I started to work.

!! But the work I was doing was cash in hand, I was just working for my drink and my drugs

on a daily basis. You know I was signing on but dishonesty was still there and all that. I got into this flat which was my second flat in London and I . . . the day I was due in court, I walked out. I’d never asked for help, I still believed I was in control. The letters started piling !up. I walked out of my flat onto the street because I couldn’t cope with it.

Yeah, I was just living off casual work, I even signed off . . .

!! Rod

Signed off from?

! Mark !Signed off from the dole. there were parts of my life where I didn’t have any income. I was just living, walking around from day’s end to day’s end, cueing up at the West End for sandwiches.

! !And it got to that stage that the only friends I had was 2 or 3 people I spoke to in the Day Centres or in a queue at the West End, and 2 or 3 people who lived no further than 5 minutes walk from the Hanbury Centre.

! !Rod

Did you get sick? 22

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark Did I get what?

!! Rod

Did you get sick a lot? What was your health like? That’s a pretty tough life you know.

! Mark !My health . . . funnily enough, I only really went to hospital for broken bones, I mean like falling over when I was drunk and that. But I suppose physically, how would you say? I suppose I was malnourished, I felt really weak.

!! Rod

You drank rather than eat.

! Mark !Yeah, I used to feel hungry so I’d smoke a fag kinda thing, I’d smoke a spliff. I got into that stage where I’d given up crime, I’d given up stealing. I’d a lot of shame and guilt around it. So I’d wake up some mornings and I wouldn’t be eating until 8 o’clock at night if I ate at all. Then I found the back of Tescos, I’d be eating out of the bins and I’d have a constant !stomach ache because I’m eating gone off food and all that kind stuff.

When I moved out of my flat in North London, I walked into a Drop In Centre on the corner there. That’s where I met Graham.

Rod Oh, the SCT Shoreditch Drop In?

! !Mark

Yeah. About 2008 I went into the Drop in Centre and that was when I met Graham. And we was talking about something and he kept mentioning this word to me, “You need a structure, you need a structure.” And all I could do, because this was somebody from my old life, this is !somebody I like because they are talking to me, somebody not from my drink and drug life.

So all I’m doing is talking about myself, my life, full of self-pity and self-loathing. I told him about my flat and all that. I ended up moving out of this flat and onto the street, that was my ‘best ! idea’. This was my last homelessness, 4 years ago. 23

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I was sleeping down near the Thames, on the river, I was there for nearly 6 weeks. I remember, I used climb over this . . . I used to jump on this wall and I used to lean out and !grab some metal railings and climb up a wall. I was probably climbing over 10 foot of wall to sleep because I was paranoid, I was full of fear, I didn’t want people to find me. I heard of people getting kicked to death in their sleeping bags and everything. When I slept homeless, I always slept in a place where you couldn’t see me or nothing like that.

I was constantly smoking fags, constantly smoking drugs you know, the drink as well.

! Rod ! Did you beg? How did you get the money? ! Mark I! used to . . .

s a w That met I n e wh m a h a Gr

Rod Were you still stealing?

!! Mark

No I wasn’t. I used to just live off handouts, I used to just go to Drop In Centres.

!! Rod

But they wouldn’t give you beer and stuff would they?

!! Mark

Well, I had associates I could go and see. Whether I had money or I didn’t have money, I drunk and took drugs. I didn’t need money to get what I wanted. I just stopped physically stealing money and stuff like that kind of thing. In my life with my drinking I have always !hung around with people who would steal. We used to go shoplifting but I never used to take that kinda thing ‘cos I always thought I was gonna be caught.

! This time I was homeless an outreach team found me, I think it was St Mungo’s. When they !found me . . . I don’t mean to quote anything from the AA Book but when they found me, there was a piece in there.There was a fella who was so disenchanted 24

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

with life that he went and hid in a barn because he didn’t want to be found. And a search party found him. Well I’m in my sleeping bag and when these two outreach workers found me, ! my thinking wasn’t, “Oh, I’m safe.” It was, “How the hell did they find me?”

Rod Ha ha ha.

Mark You know, I was so negative really but deep, deep down it was, “Wow, maybe this was meant to happen?”

I met these people and they got me into a wet shelter over in Blackfriars . . . and that was like just walking into another planet, it was fights and violence. I managed to get through there, I done a month. I done six weeks actually, you could only stay that. I done six weeks because apparently I’d been put on the homeless list. Somebody who, when I lived at the ! Dellow Centre, Providence Row nearly 10 years ago, recognised my name and that I was back on the streets. They apparently fast tracked me to move me back in.

! Rod !Wow. !

Mark You know, that’s how it works. I lived that life where people around me I came into contact, I !told them everything was alright. Everything wasn’t alright! I didn’t have the basic skills for life. They started giving me help. I got into a night shelter, then I went into the Dellow Centre at the bottom of Brick Lane. I swallowed a lot of pride because I was like you know, “These people, they helped me before,”

I was ashamed, self-conscious. I believed they were going to judge me. But that wasn’t the case, they welcomed me with open arms. I got into this Hostel and started to pay my way.

! !I still hadn’t dealt with my addictions. I was in this hostel and I moved out into the flat I’m in now which I’ve been into for 2 and a half years. That was when I remember . . . .

! When I was near the end of moving out with Dellow, they moved me into a bed-sit, ‘cos they ! rooms and they have bed-sits. And I remember, I started coming to the Drop In Centre. have 25

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod OK. So that’s when you met Graham is it?

Mark Yeah, this is when I remember this fellow I spoke to when I was out homeless. But what I had to do was . . . the homeless centre was such a magnet, it was a haven, such a magnet !that I had to forcibly remove myself from the Day Centres I used to go to.

So I started going to the Drop In on the corner and I ended up talking to Graham. He introduced me to the Hanbury centre.

Rod To Carey, or Sheona?

! Mark !

Carey and Deborah. And I think I wasn’t very honest at first, when I first came through the door I wasn’t completely abstinent. You know I was, I was on and off, I wasn’t as chronic as I used to be. I can’t remember when, but I remember hitting that bottom where you know, I just ! did not want to live that life anymore.

I come to Hanbury centre and I got introduced to a few people here. I started doing gardening with Sean and carpentry with Bernard. I think I done about a term and then I lapsed. And I think I done a second term and I lapsed.

‘Cos I had the structure during the day but when I come home on the night, the torment in my head was something else. Things like . . . . I believe I started thawing out before I eventually had enough. I threw in the towel and I went to a Doctor’s one morning.

That’s when I got moved in my flat in the bottom of Commercial Street. ‘Cos I stopped coming here, I wasn’t feeling very good about myself because I was still very dishonest. I was so dishonest, I did not know how to tell the truth anymore. That’s how dishonest I’d !become.

I remember I was in my flat and within 3 months I was being threatened to evict. You know, I went back on the drugs. Well one day I woke up and I’d had enough.

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I went to a Doctor and he sent me to a Treatment Centre. Cut a long story short . . . what I realised, the Treatment Centre sort of turned my head.

!! And then I started remembering things like you know . . . . I bumped into people I used to

see when I was homeless who were well and not drinking and not taking drugs. And that’s what I . . . they did talk to me but I didn’t really talk to them.

!! I said, “What’s going on here?” and I started to get a bit like, a bit like clear thinking. I went to this Treatment Centre and they said, “Look, you’ve got to go to meetings.”

! I identified myself as an addict but I did not identify myself as an alcoholic. So I started !talking about my drugs forgetting about the alcoholism. I only identified myself because everyone else did and there’s people in rooms telling me this, that and the other but was just still . . . . I was very angry.

! !People telling me I’m an addict,

alcoholic. It doesn’t work like that. I now know we have to admit it ourselves.

Rod OK. Yeah.

! !Mark

it t i m d a o t We have ourselves

I can’t tell you that you are an alcoholic and vice versa. We’ve gotta make that admission and decision ourselves.

Coming through the Treatment Centre and coming out of treatment and getting back in contact with the Hanbury centre !when Sheona was around, Carey had a baby, Deborah was still here.

I started to feel good about myself. But I still now know, I still have not had that . . . what they call, ! a real rock bottom. Yeah, I was still in torment, my days were busy. I was going to meetings and feeling angry, I wasn’t telling people how I felt, I was just sharing negatives after so many months of being sober. 27

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

In my path I didn’t really have any relationships, I had a lot of sexual conduct and I had some sexual abuse which I had to tell somebody about. I got sexually abused in my naivety years when ! I was 17, 18 because I was on the streets of Gloucester. I didn’t have a roof over my head, trying to look up to elders. I ended up getting abused a few times sexually.

That sort of harmed me, it gave me a bit of mistrust. I can’t blame that, I now realise I can’t blame ! that for the way I turned out. But it warped my mind that way.

Rod Yeah.

Mark It warped my mind that way sexually. And when I got to talking about sex with somebody I’d never met before, I kept stuff to myself. Obviously this programme of complete abstinence and rigorous honesty was not going to work. Because I was fearing that if I told somebody !about something which happened to me sexually, ‘cos of the shame I believed I’d be judged, branded and labelled and that kinda thing.

! But I now know that was my sickness keeping me away. I got 17 months sober and because !of not being completely honest, I was honest but not being 100% honest, I went back out there for a little while. I went back out there for 6 weeks last October, I went back out there for 6 weeks.

!! I did not drink or take drugs everyday but there was a lot head-in-hand and stuff, “Poor me.” And I know why I went back out there, ‘cos I was dishonest. That’s basically what it was, it was that old chestnut again.

! !And 6 weeks out there and I thought, “I’ve got to come back to recovery.” Because I

remember after my last drink, my head suggested to me that, “Tower Bridge is down the road.” You want to live but you don’t know how to so you’re fed up with just existing. It also started telling me things like, “You’ve got razors in your bathroom.”

I forgot all the good work . . . in the 17 months I was sober, I reconnected with my Mum after 15 years. You know, I harmed my Mum. Through that bit of sobriety I had been doing a bit of work on myself at the time. I started to feel what I’d done to people for the first time in my !life. And I reconnected with my Mum, I reconnected with my brother. 28

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Me and my brother had never sat down and spoke until I was 33. Never in my whole life did we sit down and talk ‘til we was 33. I met my sister-in-law, I got introduced to my nephews who ! was 15, my eldest was 15.

Rod You’d never seen them?

Mark Never seen them before. And for some reason, for the first time in my life I felt happy, I felt happy for someone, you know. Not, “Why haven’t I got it?” but . . .

Rod Happy for someone else.

! Mark !Yeah. The fact its my brother, that feeling of family yet that did not stop me from throwing it away.

! Rod !After 17 months. !

Mark After 17 months I was at those crossroads where, you know . . . I’ve acted out on my !thinking all my life. I now realise, whatever my head’s told me, Ive done.

If its told me to go and steal off someone, I’ve stole on somebody. If its told me to be dishonest, “Keep that to yourself.” I sort of started to realise what I heard in treatment, it is !true. But it didn’t get to me then, but it slowly started to filter through.

Rod When you say, “What I heard in treatment.” What would be, say the phrase that . . . .

Mark “I’m the problem.”

! !Rod

Ha ha ha. “I’m the problem, its not everybody else.” Ha ha. 29

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark Ha ha. “I’m the problem.”

When I went out, when I went out for drink and then my head started . . . my head at the end was like “Rrraaaa, rrraaa, rraaa, rraaa, ! rrraaaa.“ I couldn’t fantasize that I was an undiscovered genius anymore . . .

Rod Ha ha ha ha ha . . .

Mark Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . .

! !Or was going to play for, be picked out and play for England . . . in my mid 30s you know. Score a . . . .

! !Rod

Reality!

I’m the problem

Mark Full ! flight from reality, I was starting to understand what it meant. And what happened was is . . . . I went back out there for 6 weeks, I had a few drinks and then . . .

Rod So ! this was out on the streets again?

Mark No, no, in my flat. I managed to keep hold of my flat. That’s what I’ve got left from my last drinking. And I tell you what, if I’d have acted out on my thinking at the end, I wouldn’t have !been drinking, I’d have been locked away for a very long time. I’d have been dead or locked away for a very, very, very, very, very long time.

! I made a decision. People calling me - my friend Rob, he’s been on the SCT sobered up 4 !years now. He lived in, went through Acorn House - does a lot for this Trust. He’s my friend, he’s a genuine friend. 30

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

He was phoning me but I would not pick up the phone. I would not pick up the phone, yeah. I made a decision to come into recovery, I made a decision to come try again. And Friday I think ! it was, December the 9th last year I contacted somebody and said, “Yeah, I’m well. I’m . . . not I’m well, yes I’m alright. I need help.”

Rod That ! was a friend you contacted or that was someone in . . .?

Mark Karen. I don’t know if you remember Karen, scouse lady. You might not know her from the Hanbury but she used to come to Choices. She called me, she invited me straight round to ! her house, we had a cup of tea.

For the first time in nearly 2 months I was in company.

!! See, my way of . . . my behaviour in the end was, “I know how I’m going to work this out. I’m going to isolate, and do what my head tells me.”

! Rod !Which is what you did as a kid when you bunked of from school, didn’t you? !

Mark As a child you can do that, as a child I believe you can get away with that kinda thing. But I !was a permanent fantasist and daydreamer.

Rod As you said, at 17 you were still a 3 year old.

Mark Yeah, and because of my thinking at the end, I was having to pay working girls for sex.

! !Because I said, “I’ve never wanted to harm anyone physically in my whole life, especially that way.” And if I’d have acted out on my thinking at the end I’d have ended up locked away, probably with the key thrown away.

! !Rod

Violence? 31

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark Violent thoughts, you know, wanting to harm people. Not people I knew, not people from !here or stuff like that. Just people . . . like revenge and all that kinda thing. How do you say it?

I phoned a friend and December the 9th I gave up drink and drugs. I did not come straight !into AA but I reconnected pretty sharpish Brent, Graham, you obviously, I saw you, Bernard, Sheona. But welcomed back with open arms.

Rod Well, ! you’re a wonderful man though.

Mark I was amazed by that. But for the first time in my life I believed that not everyone else was wrong. “Everyone can’t be wrong!” Some can be, but not everyone. Ha ha ha. I started to ! accept that I’m wrong. The biggest thing for me was acceptance.

My journey hasn’t been a bed of roses to where I am, I’m coming up to 11 months. For 2 and a! half weeks of being, not just sober but in Recovery, for 2 and a half weeks there was me still trying to think of a way, “How can I recover, how can I build my life and how can I get what I want without having to do anything to get it?”

! Rod !Ha ha. !

Mark On Christmas Day last year, I remember my one thought was, “Shall I go and see an old !associate (drink or drugs)?” And then the second thought was, “Go to the Dellow Centre and an AA meeting.”

! So this time around, I just started going to AA meetings, I took the hand of a Sponsor. !!

And do you know what? I was 100% honest, I told him everything about me - all my abuse, all my sexual conduct, all the people that I’ve harmed, all the people I’ve ripped off, all the resentments I’ve had.

Resentments from somebody just calling me a name to being rejected by family and all that. 32

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

And the journey I’ve had is . . . its been emotional you know. Its been really, really amazing. For the first time in my life I really do believe that I’m finding a contention in myself. Which isn’t ! a euphoric high because than I get a euphoric low.

Its like the happiness I get these days isn’t from thinking about myself all the time or waking up with a kind of criminal thinking of wanting to . . . harmful thinking or jealousy thinking. It comes from a contention that, how do you say it? Life isn’t material, life isn’t material. !

Rod Its bigger than that.

Mark Its bigger, its more, its the community thing. Community caring for people. From coming into Recovery . . . I got a Sponsor. The reason why the Treatment Centres didn’t get the message to me straight away was . . . !

I got a Sponsor and he told me that I suffer from an illness, he really did. I suffer from an illness that I can’t cope with the demands of daily living. You know, that’s when I started to identify and really believe that, “I’ve got a chance at this thing.”

Rod And that’s the thread through your whole story, isn’t it?

Mark An illness which I can’t take a tablet for.

I n a c How er? v o c e r

Rod Did he give that a name?

! !Mark

Its a ‘soul sickness’ they call it.

Rod ! as in Body, Mind and Soul. ‘Soul’ 33

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Mark How would you say it? I was unable to think of anyone bar myself. Take for instance, when I was ! at a Gran’s funeral, people were mourning and grieving over it and I was just there thinking, “When am I gonna get out of here?” Because it was all about me.

Rod Me, ! me, me.

Mark Meeting up with that person, the person who I still work with to this day, I learnt to open up. I’ve ! looked at my past, I’ve looked at it for what it is - one big illusion, one big illusion. I’ve sort of come to understand that my head wants me dead!

When I’m thinking, my head, my thinking wants me dead. That’s this sickness I suffer from. And the only way I can recover from that is on a daily basis. Not by taking any tablets, but by !just thinking of others. By being rigorously honest about my thinking and what’s going on in my life.

! But also you know, taking a care in the world. I didn’t realise that working was an honorable !thing, a respectable thing. I did not realise. People trust me these days, keys to a property, that kinda thing.

! I could turn up at work and I not only . . . I stole everything in life. I stole peace of mind, I !stole people’s time, I stole people’s happiness. I stole everything. Now its been like, I’m paid to do a certain number of hours work so I turn up and I do the work.

! Rod !And this with YourTime? !

Mark With YourTime and I do a bit of cleaning. I sometimes go out in the van and work with !William at the Charity Shops. And I sometimes jump on the decorating side. But not only that, I’ve started to look at other things I want to do in the real world.

At the end of the day I’ve got to live in the real world and all my life I’ve lived in my head. So !now I’m coming out of my head. 34

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

The fear doesn’t grip me these days, you know, fear doesn’t grip me.

! I’m ! not saying its totally dissipated, its still there. I suppose you have to have a healthy

view, but that stuff of holding onto things when I think people do me an injustice. Its not them doing an injustice, its me doing myself an injustice.

! I! suffer from a sickness which tells me I don’t have a sickness! Ha ha ha. !

The only way of recovering and being able to live in a contented life - I personally on a daily basis, I think of other people, I try and help other people. I’m not a religious person but the person who helped me into recovery, he told me what I have to do to live a contented life. !

To me, its like . . . I’m going to say God, I’ll call him God, that is, a higher power. The reason why I’ve embraced that is because . . . In all my life I’ve lived, and the interventions I’ve had, I’ve always called them coincidences - nearly getting killed in that downer (the tram !incident), waking up with the biggest hangover in the world and then walking into the chemist and the lady on the door saying to me, “Do you know what alcohol does to your brain?” and me palming it off. Stuff like that.

!! I can look back and see them as things put in my face to try and make me open my eyes and see what was going on.

! Rod !God trying to break through. !

Mark Exactly. Yeah, and he couldn’t get through to me ‘cos I was full of ‘self’. And when I’d come !around and I heard some fellow telling me, “I was the problem, my thinking’s a problem.”

If he’d have told me I gotta walk on hot coals for today, ‘cos of the contention in his life, and he’s living in the real world. He’s got a job, he’s got a girlfriend, he’s in contact with his !family and that kinda thing. You know what I mean, even just muttering a few words to something I don’t really believe in.

I had no axe to grind because I had to put all my opinions and my thinking to one side. I’ve !had to change it all. 35

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Rod Because you knew what the results of ! that were.

Mark Yeah, because you know, if there’s a 1% chance, if there’s a 1% motivation that ! my old behaviour and my old thinking . . . I’m going to go back to where I come from, that’s my reality. I’ve had to give up ! every single old associate that I know, I’ve had to give up every single Day Centre I used to go to.

! I’ve be lonely, but I’m not lonely. !Its nothadliketo an isolated loneliness, its more of a . . . I’m in my flat, sat on my own but its not lonely. My head will tell me but its not true, its not true.

And just to end on this. I’ve reconnected with all my family, they’ve welcomed me back.

They’ve welcomed me bac k

I’ve apologized. Not just like the old apologies, “I’m sorry, I won’t do that again.” Because I used to apologize to the people in my life. “Sorry,” that kinda thing. Seeking validation that I was OK and I could carry on doing what I used to do.

I spoke to an Auntie a couple of weeks ago because I was in a bit of pain. I went on the Internet I found the phone number, I spoke to an Auntie I hadn’t spoken to for over 20 years. She’s in contact with my Dad. We had just a few minutes chat. Communicating is !you know . . . I lived on my own for a long time so, sitting in a room . . .

The biggest thing for me when I came around was getting comfortable sitting in rooms with other people and hearing my own voice. That is the biggest thing you know. There !was a time when I used to talk to myself and all that kinda thing. 36

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

She was in contact with my Dad, she said that she’d pass a message on that I’ve contacted her. 3 days later my Dad texted me saying, “Hello, hello Mark, here’s my address.” He said he ! had a few problems because, “I’d feel better if you wrote to me.” So instead of me . . .

Rod Rather than talk?

Mark Well exactly. ‘Cos he’s got a few health issues, hearing being one of them. So if was myself, I’d have picked up the phone and called him. So I thought well you know I’ll write to him. I’ve amended virtually every single harm I’ve done to him. I have no use for that . . . yes, my ! head will still tell me the odd nonsense every now and then.

As soon as I come into Recovery, that desire to drink or use drugs left me straight away, straight away. I did not want that anymore. And by doing the work I do, my thinking changed. !My thinking is changing. I’m getting, I’m having a total, how do you say . . . a total change of thought, change of action. Its great.

! To me, its baby steps and its very, very, very gradual. !! Rod And that’s important.

!! Mark

You know its educational. For the first time in my life I’m educating. Its killing a lot of birds with a very few stones. I’ve been able to educate myself. I’m learning life skills, I’m learning to be a family member, I’m learning that I can’t always have things my own way but that’s !OK.

I got a letter off my Mum yesterday, inviting me over for Christmas. 2 weeks ago I was thinking, “Why hasn’t my Mum called me?” And then I thought, “Mark, its not about you any !more.” All I’ve got to do . . . if I phone somebody, all I do is phone her. They don’t pick up? They don’t pick up.

That’s how it is for me, I’m educating myself. I’m looking at a few things. I want to go into a !construction trade, I’m doing a bit of revision on a construction course. I’m waking up these days and I’m doing my bit for society. 37

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I’m starting to pay my way. I’m chipping away at all those finances and debts that I built up over the years and years and its great.

! Yeah, I am happy to be alive. ! Rod That’s ! wonderful.

Mark I don’t want to be dead, you know. I! don’t want to harm anybody. You know what I mean. I’m gonna leave it there.

I’m hap py to be aliv e

! Rod !Thanks Mark. !

Mark Its pretty emotional at times you !know. When you get over that bit when it was fun . . . but looking at it, it wasn’t fun. I was kidding myself.

! ! ! ! !! Published by the MyStoryUK project ! Mark C interviewed by Rod B November 2012 Community Project, New Hanbury Project, Choices4U, YourTime) ! (Shoreditch & design RodB !! photos S C T www.sct.org.uk and the New Hanbury Project 020 7613 5636 Calvert Avenue London E2 7JP ! 3Paper and Online October 2013 !! ! There are lots of short films on YouTube RecoveryChannelUK Online books at ISSUU MyStoryUK

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

! !

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For paper copies please contact Spitalfields Crypt Trust Janice Taylor 020 7613 5677 janice.taylor@sct.org.uk 116 - 118 Shoreditch High Street London E1 6JN.

More productions from MyStoryUK

“Nathan” “I FEEL GREAT!”

“I just want to be happy now and plan for the future. Noone knows what’s going to happen tomorrow – you have to live today, but I’ve got a huge amount invested in not drinking.”

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Simon Bradbury “THROW AWAY THAT SUICIDE BAG”

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“Whilst doing these drawings a lot of ‘stuff’ has arisen within me, stuff which I’m happy to say, even though rather hard to handle, is all part of the road towards recovery.”

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see a Simon animation “Glass gotta go” on YouTube RecoveryChannelUK 39

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Peter P UPS & DOWNS

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“On the 10th of January 10 pm in the evening, I bedded down. I came to myself in the afternoon of the 11th in the Royal London Hospital. It appears that some nice kind gentleman had come along with a large piece of timber and tried to alter the shape of my head.” Peter is passionate about truth and justice for Rough Sleepers in London.

Stephen W HOPE

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“When I talked about my being abused as a child, one girl broke down in tears and said she hated me.” Interview and poems of resurrection from a heroin ex-user and dealer.

Gary T A day in life at Belmarsh

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“But most times, they don’t come and that leaves me with a lot of anger . . . So that means I am banged up all day.”

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

Lee H My first experience of living on the streets

“It was the same old thing, drinking in the park. The same old story.”

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Stephen Mulcahy Jensen “School of Hard Knocks”

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“School of Hard Knocks”

“And its my new year resolution to steer well clear of the Institutions. OK, I already broke that one in March, spent 10 days in the asylum!” Punchy poems with insightful illustrations.

MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”

Stephen Mulcahy Jensen

Sue H “I Love Coming Here”

Love Coming Here Sue H

“Yeah, I’ve been clean for about 6 years next month, off drugs and alcohol. But I was using for about 35 years and umm . . . I first started using when I was 15.”

onB

interviewed by Sim

MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”

MyStoryUK Mark C “I never grew up”

I ts no t a l l

Do om & G lo om !

C l i ve M !

MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”

Clive M “Its not all Doom & Gloom”

“My mother and father divorced when I was 10. My father, he got the custody of myself, my 2 brothers and my 2 sisters. And things got worse since the divorce. This new woman that had come into his life, she was married, she had kids of her own. She’d try to play the mother role but I didn’t like her. I hated her.” Rob L “A quiet child I thought”

“Four years ago a court order prevented me from seeing my six year old son and my two elder children had long ceased to speak to me. He’s ten now and spending the weekend with me.”

MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”

!! “This Is My Street” AlfieH

Alfie H “This Is My Street”

Fun, cheeky, street-wise Alfie has lived on London streets for decades entertaining the gents & ladies in Westminster. Here's how it happened.

MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”

online: ISSUU MyStoryUK ! YouTube RecoveryChannelUK