PARENTS AS ROLE MODELS

How to Help Kids Discover Positive Behaviors

by Sandra Yeyati

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Like the familiar adage, “Monkey see, monkey do,” children learn habits, attitudes and values by observing and mimicking their parents. This phenomenon, known as modeling, is a double-edged sword. Sometimes parents unintentionally teach their kids by example to smoke, eat too much candy or bully people. On the other hand, with awareness, planning and strategic modifications, parents can use modeling to instill in their kids good habits, positive attitudes, healthy emotional intelligence and strong self-esteem.

“We parent what we know, very often on automatic mode,” says Debra MacDonald, a certified parenting educator at the Center for Parenting Education, in Abington, Pennsylvania. “How many times have you said, ‘I will never say that to my kids,’ and then fast-forward several years, those words are coming out of your mouth. Awareness is your first step.”

“Look at how you handle stress or express anger,” MacDonald suggests. “If you slam the table, break something and yell, that’s what you’re teaching your children to do when they’re angry. To teach them constructive ways to express anger—like taking deep breaths or running around the block— you’ve got to employ those tools yourself.”

Actions speak louder than words. “To teach your child good values, you have to demonstrate them through your deeds. If you tell your child that they must always be on time for school, but you’re late for work every day, your child hears one thing, but sees another,” MacDonald explains, adding that kids are adept at sniffing out these inconsistencies.

Saying, “Eat your spinach,” while regularly gobbling ice cream won’t inspire desired results. When MacDonald’s son was young, she realized she wasn’t setting the right example at the dinner table. “Slowly, over time, I began to improve our family’s lifestyle choices, and now that he’s in college, he knows how to cook healthy meals, practice portion control and clean up after himself,” she boasts.

Tackling Childhood Anxiety Through Modeling

In his 2021 book, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, Yale University Professor Eli Lebowitz offers a scientifically proven parental modeling program called Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). Although the goal is to treat a child’s anxiety, parents meet with a therapist and learn tools to modify their parenting approach in two ways: being more supportive and reducing accommodations.

On the support side, SPACE parents learn to show a genuine acceptance and understanding of their child’s distress and to communicate their confidence in the

child’s ability to tolerate and cope with the anxiety. The support can be as simple as saying, “I get it. This is really hard. You’re upset, but I know you can handle this.”

“Supportive statements aren’t always intuitive for parents,” says Lebowitz, director of the program for anxiety disorders at the Yale Child Study Center. “Sometimes they don’t believe that their child is feeling anxiety. They might think that the child is being manipulative or attention-seeking. Or, when parents do believe that their child is anxious, they want to protect, soothe and reassure them, but by doing these things, parents aren’t communicating their belief that the child can handle it, which is critical to helping them overcome the anxiety.”

The second change that SPACE parents learn to make is to gradually and systematically reduce all the accommodations they have been making to help their child not feel anxious, such as sleeping beside a child that is afraid of being alone or not inviting company to the house to avoid upsetting a socially anxious kid.

“Research indicates that even though parents are trying to help, accommodations that rush to the rescue tend to maintain or worsen anxiety over time,” Lebowitz says. “I worked with parents of a child who had panic attacks at night and would say, ‘My heart is racing. I can’t breathe. I think I’m going to die.’ Feeling overwhelmed and scared, her parents would rush her to the hospital again and again, even after doctors assured them that she was healthy and didn’t need to come in. From the child’s perspective, when your parents rush you to the ER, that confirms that this is literally an emergency. You feel more worried and scared. When the parents were able to take a breath, give her a hug and say, ‘We know this is uncomfortable, but it’s going to pass, and you’re going to be okay,’ she began to learn that she didn’t need to be afraid of anxiety. She could handle it and didn’t need to avoid it.”

Sandra Yeyati, J.D., is a professional writer and editor. Reach her at SandraYeyati@ gmail.com.

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Appreciate The Moment In 2022

by Jared Zornitzer

Life is a ticking clock, time is inexorable. One person may be living in the present, enjoying each moment as they come. Another may be absorbed by worries about the future. At the end of the day, who is living a more fulfilling life? Who will be able to look back at their life with no regrets? This year, my resolution is to do a better job of living in the moment so that I can avoid looking back on my life with remorse.

These ideas flooded into my mind during winter break. Without fail, as the end of the break approached, I could not believe how fast it had passed. We so easily take things for granted. For example, I was alive for 15 years before I was consciously thankful for my grandma, one of the most influential figures in my life. Undoubtedly, she had a large impact on my life before but only then did I perceive it. She instilled in me a core value—family comes first—through being such a steadfast figure in my life. Unfortunately, it was only in her last few years that I truly cherished her presence and influence on my life.

Similarly, I watched a movie over break where humans are on the brink of extinction. At the moment before the extinction event, the main character says, in a moment of revelation, “we really had everything.” Those are his last words. “Oh my god,” I thought, “those are the most tragic and poetic dying words.” Those words evoked a sudden shock; I knew in that instant that I better start believing that I have everything too. I resolved to keep that doctrine closer to my mind in 2022; that whatever I have is beautiful and enough and deserves my appreciation. I was a young boy during those years that I didn’t comprehend my grandma’s impact, so I don’t really put myself at fault. I was always grateful whenever we spent time together, but what I discovered at age 15 is that there is a deliberate thinking process involved when one desires to fully appreciate someone or something. At the instant that you identify what is important to you, you must repeat its importance in your head until it becomes ingrained in your thoughts daily. The wonderful part is that if this subject is a person, your efforts will bring you much closer together. For me, I began calling my grandma several times per week. We talked about our days, upcoming events and the next time we would see each other. These phone calls brought me immense satisfaction for getting to touch base and connect with her.

Nobody wants to end up in the character from that movie’s shoes, where he only acknowledges the value of life at the moment of death. To ensure that we don’t, I believe that we must passionately pursue the goal of not letting a day slip by unappreciated.

†These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

Jared Zornitzer is a full-time college student at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY studying engineering. An advocate of balancing work and school with exercise and healthy living, he loves hiking, biking, running, cooking, spending time with family and friends, and learning in his classes.