Count Your Blessing

The Book of Joy, by Douglas Abrams, teaches how to find joy and blessing in any situation. In the book, Abrams interviews the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu; together, they created the eight pillars of joy: perspective, humility, humor, acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, generosity, and compassion. Perspective is how we see our situations and what we make out of them. Humility is the understanding that we all need help, love, and community. Humor is a way to lift your spirit, laugh, and connect with others. Acceptance is acknowledging what is. Forgiveness is essential to give ourselves and others because grudges take away happiness. Gratitude is to be thankful for life, support, lessons, and love. Generosity is giving to others, whether it be your time, resources, or skills. Compassion is love for yourself and others; it's about helping others how you are able; in return, you will feel joy and find that others want to help you. Abrams, the Dalia Lama, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu agree that all other pillars are easy to accomplish when we have genuine compassion for others and ourselves. While reading The Book of Joy, I learned how many blessings can be found while enduring hardship and loss; the difficult times make celebrating the happy times that much more wonderful.

Becoming a mother is the highlight of my life. It is beautiful, messy, wonderful, and painful. Childbirth, for example, is excruciating and exhausting, but all of that pain seems to disappear instantly when you hold your baby for the first time. In the chapter, "Why Are You

Not Morose," the Dalai Lama uses this example when he says, "And even after the most painful labor, once the baby is out, you can't measure the mother's joy. It is one of those incredible things that joy can come so quickly from suffering" (qtd. in Abrams 32). I was in labor, with my son Nolan, for 16 hours. It was painful, and when it was time to push him out, I had to muster up every last bit of energy I could find left in me. When he was out of my body, I was so happy to hold him close to me. A couple of minutes after he was placed in my arms, I noticed bubbles in his mouth. I asked my nurse if that was normal. She looked at him curiously and took him from me. She measured his oxygen and calmly said, "I'm calling the NICU." In minutes, a nurse from the NICU was in our room. She performed a similar test and said," I have to take him and get him on oxygen right away!" My heart sank. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Instantly, I felt my life so connected to his; I had an instant need to protect and care for him. Thankfully, it didn't take long before Nolan's oxygen levels were up, and he was brought to my room. The moment I held him again, all the pain and anguish disappeared. Having my son was one of the happiest days of my life.

While giving birth to my son was a joyful day, the day Adelyn was born was the saddest day of my life. In the chapter, "Nothing Beautiful Comes Without Suffering," the authors discuss overcoming hardship and finding joy. The Archbishop goes on to say, "It is painful, and you have to acknowledge that it is painful. But actually, even in the midst of that pain, you can recognize the gentleness of the nurse who is looking after you" (qtd. in Abrams 46). When I was 20 weeks pregnant with my daughter Adelyn, my water broke prematurely. I can still remember the look on my doctor's face when she confirmed my water broke and I wouldn't be carrying my baby to full term. I cried out so loud in despair. I was losing my baby. It was still too early on in my pregnancy for modern medicine to save her. I was home when it was time for Adelyn to leave my body. It was all a blur as first responders came to my house to rush me to the hospital.

When I arrived, I was beside myself in grief, anticipating what was to come. Before I knew it, I held the tiniest and most beautiful baby, who instantly became an angel. During my stay at the hospital, every nurse and doctor showed me so much love. All my nurses held my hand and cried alongside me. While this was the darkest moment in my life, I never experienced so much compassion, love, and kindness from strangers.

Sometimes a loss can open the door to many new blessings. In the chapter "Sadness and Greif: The Hard Times Knit

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Us More Closely Together," the Archbishop says, "It is the hard times, the painful times, the sadness and the grief that knit us more closely together" (qtd. in Abrams 111). A few months after losing Adelyn, my stepdaughter Kyrah asked to come live with us. My husband and I made it clear that she was welcome and wanted. She went through a difficult time with friends and family; she expressed that she needed us. We took her in with open arms. We were happy to have her with us. Sometimes I think losing Adelyn brought us closer together. If my husband and I were busy with a newborn, who knows if Kyrah would have had the courage to ask to live with us. So, while I lost a daughter, I also gained one.

There are so many blessings that can be seen if you try to find them. It makes overcoming loss a little easier. Loss can give you a new perspective on life. In the chapter "Suffering and Adversity: Passing through Difficulties," the authors discuss how joyful times can shine brighter after hardship. The Dalai Lama shares a Tibetan phrase that says, "It is actually the painful experiences that shine light on the nature of happiness. They do this by bringing joyful experiences into sharp relief" (qtd. in Abrams 145). After losing Adelyn, I wasn't sure if I would try for another baby. My husband supported me with whatever decision I chose. He also reminded me how much joy I found in being a mother and helped me keep my heart open to the idea. I'm so thankful I did. A year after our loss, we decided to try again. I had a happy and healthy pregnancy. My delivery went as well as anyone could hope; the physical pain was not avoidable but tolerable and worth every minute. The moment my daughter Eliana was in my arms, I cried tears of joy. I am not exaggerating here; that perfect little newborn looked up at me and smiled. Instantly, I was filled with so much gratitude. Somehow the pain of losing Adelyn was lightened the day Eliana was born, and her birth gave us more to celebrate.

Motherhood is wonderful, but it doesn't come without many challenges. There is a lot to learn about being a mother, and I have made a few mistakes along the way. I tend to feel guilty when I feel I have fallen short of the mother my kids deserve. The chapter "The Invitation to Joy" reminds me that my mistakes don't define me. The Dalai Lama and Archbishop share, "Every day is a new opportunity to begin again" (x). A few years ago, I started meeting with a group of mothers for a Bible study. The group quickly evolved into a mother's support group. The group of us shared our highs and lows for the week and discussed our takeaways. I found that all the other women struggled with the same things as me. They got mad, frustrated, and yelled at their children too. They had "mom guilt" (as I like to call it) too. When I feel bad about how I acted, I remind myself of something my good friend shared with me. She said, "God blesses us every day with a new day to start fresh." We all make mistakes; learning from them and making better choices is what is important.

Over the years, I have learned it is essential to show myself compassion when I fall short of the mother I want to be. In the chapter "Compassion: Something We Want to Become," the authors discuss that having compassion for others is important, but it is also important to have compassion for yourself. Abrams shares thoughts on self-compassion from psychologist Kristin Neff: "When we treat ourselves with compassion, we accept that there are parts of our personality that we may not be satisfied with, but we do not berate ourselves as we try to address them" (261). Getting frustrated with my kids is inevitable. I do my best to make it a learning moment. After getting upset with my kids, I apologize, we discuss our feelings, and we hug it out. We talk about how we could handle our parts better. Being imperfect and vulnerable teaches my children that making mistakes is okay. When we do this, we show compassion to each other and ourselves.

Somedays, I may think I fall short of the mother I want to be, and then one of my children will do something so thoughtful to remind me that I am teaching them to be caring and kind. In the chapter "Generosity: We Are Filled with Joy," we learn that giving feels just as good to the giver as the receiver. The Archbishop explains, "We people who care must be attractive, must be filled with joy, so that others recognize that caring, that helping and being generous are not a burden, they are a joy" (qtd. in Abrams 274). One day, my son came home from school excited to share that he got to pick out two prizes for doing good deeds on campus. He held his two prizes in his hands; he could barely contain his excitement. He walked over to me and his little sister and handed us each a prize. He didn't get anything for himself. He was smiling from ear to ear to

give us our gifts.

Small acts of kindness go a long way, and good energy is contagious. Goodness spreads happiness. In the chapter "Envy: That Guy goes Past Yet Again," the Dalai Lama says, "When humanity is happy, we will be happy. When humanity is peaceful, our own lives are peaceful. Just like if your family is happy, you are better off" (qtd. in Abrams 142). This quote rings true in my day-to-day life. When I am peaceful with myself, my husband, and my children, everyone tends to follow. When all is well in our home, we carry it out into the world and have the ability to pass it on.

Life can be messy. We experience things that are hard to overcome. When it is all said and done, we can always find blessings and beauty in our struggles. When I lost Adelyn, I thought, why me, why us? The tremendous loss taught me how fragile life is and that I have so much love to give. Kyrah came and lived with us after our loss. She finally felt completely part of our family, and I was able to provide her with a mother's love, and she gave me the chance to become her mother after my loss; it was love that we both desperately needed at that point in our lives. Eliana's birth was so beautiful, and I had so much more gratitude because I had seen the horrible alternative to a healthy birth. The Book of Joy shares the meaning of dukkha and sukha. Dukkha is said to be the bumpy ride and sukha the peaceful path (Abrams 87). Life as a mother can be rough, but it's those challenges that make me appreciate all the goodness that arises. All the challenges I have faced as a mother have made all the good times more special. I have learned that struggle is inevitable, but counting your blessings is a choice. There is so much joy to experience, and blessings are everywhere. It is the struggle and hardship that help us fully appreciate all the blessings and joy in our lives. Abrams, Douglas. et el. The Book of Joy: Lasting happiness in a Changing World. Penguin Random House LLC, 2016.