9 minute read
healthy kids
The Blended Family
TIPS FOR CREATING A SUCCESSFUL STEPFAMILY
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by Ronica O’Hara
josue michel/Unsplash.com The Brady Bunch aside, blended families seldom look like TV sitcoms. They often come with a cast of characters—freshly remarried parents, a number of kids and step-kids, up to four sets of relatives and exes in the wings—all with their own needs, hopes and issues. One in six children today lives in a blended family, so the stakes are high for their well-being, and yet, understandably, two out of three blended marriages fail. They don’t have to, says Kimberly King, a children’s book author in Fairfield, Connecticut, who was raised in blended families and as a parent, now has her own blended batch of kids. “Blended families work when parents plan for challenges, have space for disagreements and have an incredible amount of patience and love. But they are not for the faint of heart!" she says. Therapists and blended-family veterans offer advice for those on this important journey: Go slow and steady. It can take two to four years for a blended family to adjust to living together, counsels the American Psychological Association. The process can be particularly hard for youngsters from 10 to 14. “Don’t pressure the children. If they don’t want to call you Mom or Dad, don’t take it personally. They have their own biological parent whom they love, and they didn’t ask for their parents to get divorced. Stay positive and realize that time itself is an important factor,” counsels Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor, in Baltimore, and founder, with his wife, Rivka, of TheMarriageRestorationProject.com.
Determine discipline roles. “My husband and I thought we were total failures because we couldn’t agree on how to parent his son. To save our marriage, we agreed that I would ‘resign’ as the boy’s mother and allow my husband free rein to parent as he saw fit,” recalls Nancy Landrum, a relationship coach in Murrieta, California, and author of Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily. Studies show that blended families work best when each parent disciplines his or her own child, while the stepparent works to develop affectionate bonds with their stepchild and serves as the child’s sounding board, particularly in the beginning. “One of the worst things you can do as a stepparent is talk negatively about your stepchild to the bio-parent. Nothing will strain a relationship more quickly,” says King.
Keep an eye out for turning points. In a classic 1999 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Iowa researchers reported on factors they called “turning points” that can knit a blended family together. These include celebrating holidays and special events together, perhaps by creating new rituals; spending quality time together, even doing such ordinary things as shopping or watching a football game, either as a family or as a parent-stepchild activity; and pulling together over a family crisis. On the other hand, unresolved conflict among parents and children drives families apart. “The best thing my dad did to blend our post-divorce, new family was take us on a four-day hike to Mount Washington,” recalls King. “We hiked, talked, helped each other, suffered, whined, got wet, struggled, laughed, slipped, learned campfire songs, slept in bunks and found a new respect for teamwork, nature, overcoming adversity, and our stepmother!”
Give talking a chance. Over shared meals, board games, nature hikes and everyday activities, stepfamilies can build bonds with each other. Having regular meetings to hash out problems also strengthens a new family unit. King’s family uses the summer camp strategy of the talking stick. “When you have the talking stick, it is your turn to talk and everyone else has to pay attention and listen. No interruptions,” she says. They also keep a family journal in which kids can write out their problems, enabling parents to respond in writing or conversation.
Don’t give up. “For me, the time I knew it was going to work forever was actually directly after one of our lowest points,” says Brooke Carlock Lobaugh, of Lititz, Pennsylvania, a teacher and creator of TheBlendedMess.com, an online resource for stepfamilies. “We had separated, and we just both really missed each other and missed the family, and we realized that the kids would eventually get older and our problems would lessen, and that we needed to choose each other, over and over again. I realized that if our separation led to another divorce, I would either be alone or find someone new with a new set of problems, and I wanted to fix the problems with the person I loved. We haven’t looked back since.” Health and wellness writer Ronica O’Hara can be contacted at OHaraRonica@gmail.com.
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Preconception
Planning for a Healthy Pregnancy, Baby and Grandbabies
by Julia Snyder
Many of us have probably wondered why we plan so long for our wedding, but not for preparing for pregnancy. It might be because we know that if we put in the time to plan the music, flowers and colors that it will actually change the outcome rather than choosing blindly and hoping that the colors match. It might be that we don’t think we have any control when it comes to conception and pregnancy, but the empowering part is that we actually do. We do have influence on the health process and outcomes in our lives including the lives of our future children. There are modifiable factors that can affect fertility, pregnancy and the trajectory of health of our offspring for generations. Pregnancy complications like high blood pressure, pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes are all influenced by lifestyle factors as well as pregnancy outcomes such as preterm birth and birth weight. The health of the child including risk for asthma, allergies, diabetes, obesity and even childhood cancer can even be influenced by factors of preconception—which then may in turn influence which genes are turned on and inherited to your grandchildren. This is exciting to realize that the things we do now can improve fertility, pregnancy and the health of our future families. It is not just women; men’s health and sperm quality also play an important role. Both the DNA from the sperm and egg carry memories. Depending on the environment, certain genes can be encoded to be turned off or turned on. Stressors and toxins and nutritional deficiencies can turn on genes that increase risk for metabolic syndrome, nonalcoholic fatty liver disease and maybe other neurological disorders.
The good news is that a healthy diet and lifestyle can reverse this and turn them back off again. The switches don’t take long to turn. DNA can be switched on and off in as little as one day, usually with measurable changes within a few weeks. Because the full maturation process of a sperm and an egg is close to 90 days, it is usually recommended to start this planning process three months prior to conceiving.
Fortunately, most of these aspects are not just good for our fertility, they are good for our overall health.
n Eating style – There may not be a one-size-fits-all approach to eating. However, a good place to start is a Mediterranean-style diet that is based on lots of rainbow-colored vegetables and fruits, includes plenty of fiber and avoids processed foods and sugar. Take a prenatal vitamin with a source of folate (preferable over folic acid). Also, make sure to get enough iron, vitamin D, B12, magnesium and choline.
n Relaxation and stress management – Practicing relaxation techniques has been shown to improve maternal emotional well-being, lower both hospitalization and cesarian rates, and reduce the risk of complications after pregnancy as well as improved infant behavior and health. Try tai chi, yoga, aroma therapy, mediation or guided imagery. Also, men who practiced yoga prior to conception were found to have improved sperm DNA quality. n Sleep – Focus on duration and quality and manage sleep
apnea or other sleep disorders if needed. Make enough time for sleep, sleep in the dark and get electronics out of the bedroom as much as possible. n Exercise – Get up and get moving, Yoga, brisk walking or swimming work well. Just don’t overdo it; vigorous exercise can be associated with subfertility. n Decrease toxin exposure – Stop smoking, minimize or eliminate alcohol and try to eat organic when possible. Also avoid heating your food in plastic, clean up your skin care and cleaning supplies, filter your water and avoid chemical lubricants.
n Growth mindset/Connection/Spirituality – All of these help to improve our well-being and decreasing stress and fear states in our bodies. Work with being more flexible, reframing your challenges so that you can feel more hopeful. Involve loved ones and or calling on a higher power.
This is a message of empowerment that we can influence outcomes and improve our health and the health of our future children. It does not mean we need to be perfect. The more we can as humans take care of ourselves, our planet and one another, the healthier we and our future grandchildren will be.
Julia Snyder, M.D., specializes in Whole Person Care at Golden Light Integrative & Holistic Medicine. Location: 703 E. Main St., Moorestown. For more information, visit GoldenLightMD.com.
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