8 minute read
OUR DREAMS, OUR AUTHENTIC SELF
by Thea Litsios
When we are seeking a simpler life, perhaps what we are truly seeking is a life that is authentic. The definition of both of these concepts, simplicity and authenticity, is very subjective. One person’s idea of simplicity might be overwhelming to another. One person’s idea of being authentic might not ring true to another. But when we have reached that ideal balance for ourselves, we know it—because it feels “right”.
Whether seeking simplicity or authenticity, it is often defined by the idea of letting go of things. We strive to create simplicity by letting go of our excess of material objects, obligations that no longer serve us and sometimes even relationships. Seeking authenticity can be similar, but we are often letting go of ideas, beliefs and “shoulds” that no longer serve us. It is more of an internal cleansing than an external one.
When letting go of material objects, obligations and even relationships, we could always follow Marie Kondo’s question of, “Does this bring me joy?”
But how do we discover our own authentic selves? Seeking to live our life with authenticity can be a little more challenging, since what we are seeking is our own inner truth and the beliefs that define that inner truth. Sometimes our beliefs are hidden from us because we acquired those beliefs when we were young and it appeared to us as simply “the way things are”. Sometimes what brings us joy was left by the wayside as we progressed from childhood to adulthood.
But there is one way that can lead us to our authentic selves, and that is our night dreams. Every night, when we sleep, we have access to the deepest part of ourselves. We might call it our soul, or higher self, but when we dream, we have access to a part of ourselves that is trying to remind us of our deepest truths every night.
Indigenous societies knew the importance of dreams. There is an Iroquois saying that, “If you have lost your dreams, you have lost a part of your soul.” Dreams can show us the deepest wishes of our soul.
For those seeking authenticity and wishing to explore finding their true self through night dreams, here are a few suggestions. • To aid in remembering dreams, the best thing to do is to cultivate dreams by setting an intention to remember our dreams each night before going to sleep. • Keep a journal by the bedside to record even the smallest wisp of a dream. The more energy put into remembering and recording dreams, the more they will make themselves visible to us. • Welcome the messages of dreams. Be open to all that the dreams have to share. • Sharing our dreams with a dream buddy helps to discuss what they might mean. • Read books by Robert Moss, who has written more than 10 books on dreams.
Thea Litsios is a certified transformational life coach, a certified hypnotist and a teacher of Active Dreaming. She hosts monthly dream groups for those wishing to explore their dreams more. Connect at TheaLitsios.com or Thea@TheaLitsios.com. See ad, page 2.
Parents are Raising Kids in Captivity, then Expecting Them to Survive in the Wild
by Vanessa Elias
Wild animals in captivity quickly habituate to human care, live a sheltered life and as a result, don’t learn critical survival skills. They show signs of psychological distress that will sound very familiar to human parents. These animals are depressed, anxious and frustrated, and also selfharm, behave compulsively and require anti-depressants. If they are released into the wild, their lack of experience makes them vulnerable and they are ill-equipped for survival.
When kids are launched into the wilds of life outside the home without having had the small, incremental childhood experiences, the learning curve is too great and they come running back to the safety of home. This is called “failure to launch”. How is this possible when parents have done everything that a “good” parent is supposed to do? The cultural norm of doing too much for children and protecting them from emotional pain and discomfort is robbing them of the experiences and skills they need to function in the world. Parents have the very best intentions, but it’s clear that their children’s idyllic (raised in protective captivity) childhood has backfired.
By incorporating the following strategies into everyday living, children can experience the growth they need in order to survive (and thrive) once they leave home.
No Parent Blame or Shame
Parents don’t realize the impact that the national and local parenting culture and environment has on their own behavior and internalized definition of what it means to be a “good” parent. Parents must not feel at fault or blame themselves. They must recognize that they acted with love and best intentions and did the best they could with the skills, knowledge—and parenting culture—they had. It’s critical to redefine what it is to be a “good parent”. It can be incredibly hard (and downright scary) to do this, but bravery makes it easier. Remember that the current way is not serving children and the culture norms must be adjusted to find a better way. A good parent lets their children struggle, fail and be disappointed.
Go From Play Deficit to Play as Priority
All nature shows have young mammals playing in a way that mimics the skills they will need in their adult lives. By depriving children of critical play, they have also been deprived of developmentally appropriate, incremental struggle and disappointment. Play is a refuge for children, an opportunity for them to process the world around them. It is also the best opportunity for children to find joy.
“My friends’ parents don’t make them do other things! Their only priority is school!” are words many parents have heard time and time again. If parents’ only expectations for their children are academic achievement and other resume-building responsibilities with the primary mission to secure a spot in the most prestigious college possible, they miss out on critical learning (and parents miss out on much needed help around the house). Children need to do chores from a young age like empty dishwashers, clean their own rooms, prepare their own lunches or snacks, cook a weekly family meal, etc. to increase their competence and confidence and learn to manage multiple demands. If they don’t get to practice in the “safe” supportive environment at home, it can be an overwhelming amount to learn and navigate when they are on their own.
Expect—and Encourage—Mistakes
When adults constantly step in and take over, children aren’t allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. Parents need to
see every mistake and misstep as a learning opportunity. Remember that children rise to the level at which the adults around them see them, so be sure they are seen as humans that will figure it out.
Learn to Sit with the Distress of Children’s Distress
Become aware of the discomfort that lights up when a child is distressed. Notice the urge to jump in and fix a child’s source of pain or distress—and stop. Instead, it is critical to empathize with the child’s pain and then ask them what their ideas are on how to resolve or deal with it.
Stop and Reframe
When kids are disappointed or struggling, it is important to take a breath and reframe it to give strength. An example would be of a child who desperately wanted to carve a beautiful pumpkin they had picked out for their jack-o-lantern, but the family ran out of time to do so on Halloween. Rather than torturing oneself for being a bad parent to let this happen, realize that this gives the consequences and the chance to learn crucial survival skills. Rather than helping kids build a looks-good-on-paper resume of academic and athletic achievements, adults must help kids build a resume of challenges that they have faced and have been able to handle. Children will find strength in knowing that they have done hard things and will have the resilience they need for their lifetimes in the wild. It’s never too late to get started.
By Monkey Business Images on Shutterstock
child a chance to tolerate disappointment and learn that they will still be ok. This can completely obliterate the guilt and “parentfail” label—so definitely a win-win for all.
In well-meaning and loving homes, children have been raised in captivity and then parents are shocked when they realize that the children can’t make it in the “wild”. Accustomed to being told what to do, bring, be, where and when, children have only known a sheltered existence, been deprived of the opportunity to experience natural Vanessa Elias, founder of Thrive with a Guide, LLC, helps parents find a better way forward, to improve their relationships and to change their lives. She is a certified parent coach, speaker, co-founder of the Wilton Free Play task force and a parent support group facilitator for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Connect at ThriveWithAGuide.com.
A version of this article was first published by Let Grow, a nonprofit that is leading the movement in childhood independence. Learn more at LetGrow.org.
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