Hangover

SUBLETTING SAGAS

BY KIRA FAHMY

When home renters become homewreckers.

The subletter from hell

Subletting an entire apartment can be nerve wracking, especially when it’s being filled with college-aged boys. When Erin Fanella Hesch and her roommates left in the fall, she knew one of her three male subletters smoked and asked that he keep it contained. Taking that request to heart, he promptly disabled all the smoke and CO2 detectors in his room.

“He had physically taken them down and taken all the batteries out,” Hesch says.

After a routine inspection, the landlord demanded they be fixed and replaced. Instead of complying, the subletters retaliated, claiming the alarms went off unnecessarily while he was cooking, despite his room being nowhere near any kitchen appliances.

After a quarter of landlord-subletter tension, Hesch was excited to return to campus and regain some normalcy. But her subletter had different plans. He refused to let her in the door, and when she finally bargained with him, she found the place impossibly messy.

It was one day past his lease, and “He still hadn’t moved out. The place was trashed,” Hesch says.

Hesch’s roommate’s dad was sent in to intimidate the subletterturned-squatter into leaving. Although it worked, the subletter left a large mess as well as some emotional trauma.

Hesch soon got word that he had been speaking threateningly to one of her roommate’s friends about the situation. He was saying things like, “‘I’m gonna fuck her up,’ ‘Don’t talk to her, she’s a bitch,’” Hesch says.

After reflecting on the roller-coaster of a process, Hesch says, “I’m staying here this summer because I never want to deal with subletting again.”

California dreamin’

When Jen* subletted from UCLA students, she neglected to do proper research on her new housemates beforehand. “I didn’t ask any important questions that I now know to ask. Like ‘Do you guys clean your house?’ To answer Jen’s question: they did not. After finding the bathroom dirty to the point of being unusable, Jen opted to shower only in the UCLA gym bathrooms, which she ultimately appreciated for getting her to the gym. According to Jen, “They weren’t evil people, they just weren’t with reality.” A more alternative-leaning crowd, Jen’s new roommates would throw “performance art parties” that lacked talent and nuance. One included a concrete mold of a drum as well as a guy who played a video of himself burying said drum set. “He stood with a microphone and talked over the music. There were probably 100 people there to watch that,” she says.

After a tumultuous summer of her roommates introducing her to punk bands, pressuring her to do cocaine (she said no) and judging everyone they met based on their Myers Briggs personality results, Jen returned to campus with a host of stories and a “generally positive experience.”

The secret garden

The first sign was the bill. What was usually a monthly electricity bill of $25 turned into $150 under Eva Rios’s new subletter. What could they be doing? Throwing parties? Sure. Forty-eight hour-straight television and light-flickering parties? Maybe.

The mystery was only furthered when Rios arrived back on campus. “My roommate and I got there and had no idea how messy it was. The floors were sticky in the way where you have a harder time lifting up your feet.”

But wait, a clue! “There was one of those little blue recycling bins just filled with dirt. Not even plants or anything just dirt. There was also a giant paint bucket filled with dirt,” Rios says.

“There were shoe prints on the wall, but way high up,” she adds.

*Editor’s note: Name has been changed to protect students’ identity.

SWEET SEXCAPE

NBN’s guide to fuckin’ around campus.

BY NICOLAS RIVERO

ILLUSTRATIONS BY EMMA SARAPPO PHOTOS BY ALEX FURUYA

Ryan Field

Go ahead, give yourself a reason to smile on game days. Just think: if you have sex on the goal line, you’ll have scored more times in that endzone than the Wildcats do some Saturdays! Once you’ve successfully executed your game plan, slap your partner on the butt and hit the showers.

Inside the steam pipes

No, not in the steam tunnels – everyone’s done that. You want to get inside the pipes themselves. Sure, it’ll take a little extra flexibility, but the result will be extra adventurous and extra steamy. You’ll need a wrench, a soldering iron, plasma cutters, a set of heavy-duty goatskin gloves and safety glasses. You know what to do from there.

On top of a campus crane

Every student knows the most iconic and instantly recognizable feature of the Northwestern landscape: the gaggle of construction cranes that rove campus from north to south. Who knows what they’ll tear down next and replace with a dizzying pile of glass, steel and painfully bright LED staircases? One thing’s for sure, though. Construction never stops and neither do the thrills of high-altitude hook ups.

The Frances Willard House Museum

You’ve seen the creepy wooden house on Chicago Avenue wedged between some sad looking apartments and a parking lot. This horror movie set was the home of Frances Willard, the dour namesake of Northwestern freshmen’s fourth-choice dorm. Honestly, this one’s kind of a mixed bag. Pros: Stick it to a racist puritan who advocated for prohibition and had a running feud with Ida B. Wells because she used to say things like “the colored race multiplies like the locusts of Egypt.” Cons: Having her scowling ghost in the room will probably kill the mood.

My ex-roommate Jared’s closet

Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of room in there. The way Jared used to leave all his clothes lying around on the floor on my side of the room, I don’t think he even put anything in his closet. Seriously, you wouldn’t even have any trouble getting in there since he always leaves the door unlocked. And you’d have plenty of time, too. Not once in the whole year did Jared come home before 2 a.m., even when I had a midterm the next morning and I specifically asked him not to wake me up in the middle of the night. Oh man, just imagine the look on Jared’s face.

The Rock

When Northwestern students want to have sex by the water, they usually go to the rocks on the Lakefill – but that is so early 21st century. As climate change continues unabated and Lake Michigan inevitably rises, the Rock will become the new waterfront hookup spot. By the time the class of 2050 enrolls, the only piece of this campus left above the waves will be the lost ruins of Old Norris.

S.S. Bienen

As rising tides unmoor the Ryan Center for the Musical Arts from its current resting place in South Campus, the new music building will set sail to safety across the Lake (as it was designed to, with Morty and all of Northwestern’s top donors in first class and the philosophy department shoveling coal to earn their berths in steerage). Then, the S.S. Bienen will become the scene for an impossibly intense love affair between you and your partner. You’ll stand at the bow of the building and teach your partner to fly; you’ll dance wildly with anthropology professors at a party on the third class deck; and your partner will sketch you nude before you make passionate love in a car parked belowdecks. Yes, the S.S. Bienen will truly be as unsinkable as you and your college significant other’s love.

Allison Hall

Hahaha, just kidding. No one has sex in Allison.

Dear Applicant

We crafted the perfect rejection letter so you don’t have to.

BY ISABEL SCHWARTZ

We regret to inform you that you are not worthy of membership in our organization. Your performance at Northwestern so far, a long two weeks, has failed to distinguish you from the masses of jittery freshmen. The application committee has carefully considered your resume and determined that you are not the economics major living in Bobb we’ve been yearning for. During your time here, you’ve achieved little more than putting your shoes on and marching through the Arch and into the off-campus frats. While we commend you for your remarkable observation that student organizations are another conduit toward social dominance and embezzled Blaze profit-share money, we just don’t think you’re right for us, Students for Perfunctory Involvement, the premier socially conscious sustainable, diverse group on campus.

The applicant pool this year was the strongest ever. By this we mean that our exec board enticed candidates like you into applying with witty Facebook in-jokes, knowing all the while we never really wanted you. You, unlike our recruitment chair, are not from Long Island. This is a deal breaker. We could never accept someone that wouldn’t fit into our culture of over-scheduled meetings and badly themed fundragers.

However, we would like to invite you to commend us on our increasingly exclusive reputation. This allows us to fill our ranks with the shining stars of the freshman class: those who acquired social capital through participation in the right pre-orientation programs or through pre-existing Chicago suburbness. While we have actively chosen to become more inclusive by appointing a diversity and inclusion chair and using the word “diversity” in the occasional meeting agenda, this does not extend to you. If it wasn’t clear, we don’t want you. We will, however, continue to invite you to taste the bitterness of defeat through regularly advertised programming and Facebook updates.

If you are still interested next year, we encourage you to develop your brand in the following ways: by raising excessive amounts of money for Dance Marathon (nothing says #philanthropy like begging your rich uncles for money on Facebook), plastering your feeble, cookie bar-filled body atop the flyers on the walk up to Norris and removing all nonbuzzwords from your vocabulary. We can’t wait to see how you’ve engaged with our dynamic groupculture-opportunities-collegiate-business-co-edpassions-cultural-educational-fundraising-topnotch-content-advancement-social-engineeringdesign-content-community-arts-philanthropy for influencers.

Best, Students for Perfunctory Involvement

North-Winos

Think outside the bag with NBN’s free wine guide.

BY BROCK COLYAR

Merlot (red)

A trip to the gym to work off your freshman fifteen is a great way to get in shape. But drinking a glass of merlot can lower your cholesterol level and improve heart health, making this red your health-conscious vegan friend. Merlot is full-bodied (meaning it has a high alcohol content, over 13.5 percent) and usually has notes of plum and cocoa. Enjoy a glass at The Olive Mountain on Davis (BYOB) or on the elliptical.

Pinot Grigio (white)

Pinot grigio is the graduate student of white wines. Dry and acidic, this wine is perfect for intellectual conversations and college gossip about your recent relationship blunders. Like the TA you hopelessly flirt with, pinot grigio is also crisp, bright and intriguing when enjoyed over a critical debate about dialectical materialism. Perfect for the novice wine drinker, pinot grigio is delicious with a Thai dish from Cozy Noodles & Rice, (also byob) and the perfect atmosphere for a first date (but not with your TA ... at least not until the quarter ends).

Riesling (white)

Riesling is a sweet white, similar to moscato, and the sorority girl of the wine world. Floral and effervescent with flavors of fruit, it’s aromatic and pairs best with the antithesis of sweetness: spice. Drink a glass of riesling with Indian food and your closest girlfriends, and you’ll be prepared to vanquish the ghost of your ex lover.

Chardonnay (white)

Think of chardonnay the way your friend in Medill lectures you about journalism. WWIn the same way a good journalist is smooth with their words yet vigorously investigative in character, they say, chardonnay is velvety in texture and slightly acidic in taste. Also known for being creamy and oaky, chardonnay is best paired with a buttery seafood dish and a copy of The Atlantic, or maybe a serving of humility.

Cabernet Sauvignon (red)

Cabernet sauvignon is your intensely political friend, the student activist and social policy major whose spicy spirit matches the peppery taste of “cab sav.” The dark fruit and savory flavors present in a cabernet sauvignon are best accompanied by a beef dish and a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker.

Closing thoughts from your resident sommelier

In Evanston, the vendors of affordable and delicious wine are surprisingly plentiful. Trader Joe’s sells their famous Two Buck Chuck, an extremely affordable wine (which, contrary to the name, actually costs $2.99 in Illinois) marketed as Charles Shaw Blend. Likewise, Whole Foods hides their $3 wine, Three Wishes, at the back of the store close to the meat section. When quietly opening your bottle of wine in your dorm room while your RA is on rounds, be careful to not break the cork; winged corkscrews are easiest for amateur wine drinkers, and help to avoid this faux paus.