A GUIDE FOR YOUR FIRST HARDCORE SHOW

BY SONIC THE EDGEHOG AND ENGLISH SOCCER

1. Before the show, practice your windmill kicks, ninja kicks and any other type of kicks in front of the mirror. Make sure your khaki shorts provide needed mobility.

2. Wear the freshest merch possible. Make sure it’s super rare and obscure like Pungent Stench. Get that varsity font shit out of here and Terror. 90 percent of the bands whose shit you wear should have broken up before your birth.

3. If you’re SXE, tattoo big black Xs on the back of your hand. Do this even if you’re not SXE.

4. Get in the pit.

5. It’s time to get off that late 90s death metal tip: ALL ABOUT ‘90s funk metal now. Primus, Faith No More, etc. Slap bass is a must.

6. Kill the crowd before the crowd kills you.