1 NEW MESSAGE: NEC PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
THE PENGUIN DECLARES INTENT TO RETIRE
JORDAN HALL RENOVATION REMOVES ORGAN, ADDS SWIMMING POOL
DONALD TRUMP CHOSEN AS NEC’S NEXT PRESIDENT
BEETHOVEN STATUE TO BE REMOVED
ISSUE 66B
APRIL 1, 2015
THE PENGUIN
B E R K L E E’S S T U D E N T - R U I N E D N E W S PA P E R WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM
Beethoven Statue To Be Destroyed, Replaced with Hank Touted as the biggest announcement at NEC since the dissolution of our hockey team, or creation of the new milk machine in Bistro 33, NEC interim president Tom Novak announced the Beethoven statue will be replaced with a statue of College Artistic Manager Hank Mou. “We had been looking for any excuse to get rid of Beethoven,” confided Novak. “Many of our tour groups didn’t recognize him, his last symphonies were mediocre at best, and he never even served on faculty at NEC.” “When Hank suggested he be the new subject for the statue, it gave me just the idea I
needed.” The statue built from materials extracted from the former Botolph parking lot will be significantly larger then the existing Beethoven statue. When reached for comment, NEC Dean of Students Suzanne Hegland stated “Its about damn time….. Beethoven didn’t raise a cent for this place, and Hank on the other hand is central to our fundraising campaigns.” At press time, the Conservatory was also considering replacing the picture of Johannes Brahms in the east atrium with one of current Contemporary Improvisation Director Hankus Netsky.
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Donald Trump: President HAIL TO THE CHIEF - OF NEC
In a stunning move by the Presidential Search Committee, it has been announced that Donald Trump, currently the frontrunner in the Republican Presidential Primary, will be the next President of New England Conservatory of Music. In a statement made by The Donald earlier today, he indicated his pride in the institution, and his desire to see it grow to new heights. “As a school, we just don’t win anymore. We don’t! I mean, listen - really, no listen: when Juilliard sends their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re oboists, they’re ethnomusicologists - and some of the, I assume, are violinists. We need to build a wall between our school and theirs,” he continued in a long interview with the Chief Editor for the Penguin. When pressed regarding the fact that Connecticut stands between Massachusetts and New York, making a wall very difficult to build, President-Elect Trump fired back, saying “you’re right, and it’s because we don’t win anymore. Trust me, President Trump? No more Connecticut.” Feedback from various members of faculty has largely been positive, though there are some individuals who have expressed concerns. “My biggest concern is that we don’t have a throne built yet for when he arrives in August,” Mike Ryan said during a break for lunch. His team has been in the process of removing “New England Conservatory” from the placard on the Jordan Hall Stage so that it can be replaced with a golden “TRUMP” logo. The former real-estate mogul has also ordered the
by ANDREW PORT 3rd Year - BM Oboe SLPC begin immediate deconstruction, to be replaced with a sixty-seven story Trump Condo Building, which will make it the third tallest building in Boston. “How many people come to NEC for concerts? Seriously, how many? I think one, I think one or two - if we build this place, they’ll all come - they’ll come to our concerts. It’ll be a vacation spot, I know people in the magazines, it’ll be the top vacation spot in the whole world. They’ll come to our concerts and dine on Trump Steaks, it’ll be huge.” Mr. Trump has indicated that the old Residence Hall will also be demolished to make room for a new parking lot, essential for the students who will all have to commute to NEC for classes, which will be held in the two conference centers of the residential tower. As for future plans, Mr. Trump indicated that he was considering a merger between New England Conservatory, Northeastern, Tufts, Harvard, Berklee, Boston College, Boston University, Emerson, Bay State College, University of Massachusetts and Bunker Hill Community College, all to be rebranded as “Trump Universities Inc.” to be completed by his fourth term as President of the United States, an office which he intends to hold in addition to his work at NEC. “Look, I’m very rich,” he concluded, “I can run a country and New England Conservatory. Trust me, you’ll be tired of winning.” WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM
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NEC Public Announcement SENT TO _ALL_STUDENTS; _FACULTY; _STAFF
by JONATHAN ELBAZ 3rd Year - BM Jazz Piano
Congratulations my fellow students attending the New England Conservatory! I’m thrilled to announce that we are no longer to be chained down by a series of polarizing behaviors, structures, and systems! The time has come for us to be finally rid of our tendency to prolong the perpetual dissolution of our common bonds as human beings as a result of our deeply rooted 21st century tendency to find reasons why we are individually different from everyone else in ways that inside of us connote superiority or inferiority! It is no longer implicit to have our brains actively searching for all of the detrimental details present in a person’s personality, or to filter the social input of others through ego complexes and looming anxieties ! The constant audible condescension inside of spoken identifications of patterns of behavior need no longer exist, as now there will cease to be both an unflagging hostility towards masses of people participating in the same one thing by masses of other people, and also an equal lack of disenfranchisement of people who wish to explore novel perspectives through synthesis of the historical artifacts accrued up until the current life-world, in the fields of art as well as science! Our crippling fear of our similarities and our incarcerating fear of our differences will vanish as they are currently known, as the molecules composing them will be broken down into quarks and neutrinos, and will reassemble as other mind-states that will allow a world of constant, all-encompassing love and freedom! The immediate deluge of analytical thoughts in the onset of person-to-person engagements, designed to push us universes away from each other through the use of criticism (of physical characteristics, of linguistic constructions, of the lack of specific traits that are deemed ‘missing’) are to disappear, leaving us and leaving us with the truth of the positives inside of everyone! That which we believe we see in others that we cannot see in ourselves will become visible in ourselves; that which we see in ourselves that we believe others cannot see will become visible to them, as they too have it inside of them! The creation of the term ‘ambiguity’ will not impede our ability to find organized truths in ourselves and others! The rules of grammatical construction and the canon of etymological history will not restrict us from seeing that there is no difference between ourselves and everybody else, that there is no separation even if the language indicates it! The Validity of a statement, as it relates to our opinions of others, isn’t needed to weigh the concepts of better and worse, because that ancient binary will be in use primarily to describe trivialities that are present on the Earth, such as the state of the Weather! In addition, the application of that ancient binary in human context will always be in sympathy, such as “It is better for us not to be soaked and freezing as we try to go to sleep in our house made of rocks.” Accordance among us will take precedence in life over the reaction of an individual to their internal assessment of the quality of a statement or event.
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APRIL 1, 2015