Pickles

Issue 3

Jun/Jul ážż12

Truth & Football

Free

on her Majesty's secret service words by greg holmes

t

he bad guy says “In Japan, men come first, women second!”. How does our hero respond? “I should retire here!” Damn, what a guy.

The consummate professional, he’s been trained to do his job from an early age. Sharply dressed with a debonair swagger he looks after number one, he has to in this line of work. Fiercely patriotic he puts his body on the line every time he goes into the field of battle, for Queen and for country.

He’s saved his nation countless times, received the highest honours. He’s good, bloody good.

“Name’s Terry... John Terry. The drink’s a Snakebite - pint of.

Okay so he’s picked up the reputation of a womaniser, a lothario, a cheating snake. But really, if you traveled like this handsome chap, first class air lines to European meccas, back pocket bulging with fifties, could you turn down the super-models?

Come on now, John’s got a license to thrill.

“What about cheating with his team mate’s girl?” you ask. Well if that rarely-playing, golf obsessed, left-back was on his game, he’d satisfy his woman.

JT’s a winner, a warrior and he takes what he wants whether it’s shaken or stirred. His club and country need him and so if like all alpha males he occasionally needs his sexual thirst quenching, so be it. I remember the day’s when a team mate’s mount was a conquest, not a cover up.

Then Capello decides to strip JT of the England Captaincy? Oh dear, Fabio. Terry is our rightful leader, the Big Bad Boss Man. And boy do we love it. We love a loud, proud, shouty man of English beef. Technical ability? Meh, he’s an honest pro and a trier; that’s the most important thing. Fab, your time was up when you tore away that armband. Like a laser heading towards your knackers – it was a matter of time before you got your comeuppance.

And then one night in Spain? JT was a regular

Moore. “Thwack!” take that. Knee to buttock, bam, have that sonny Jim, next. Scenario saved and his team marches on to victory fuelled by the blood and tears of El Capitan. It’s only right his sacrifice be rewarded with a ceremony. In a Connery-esque disguise change, off comes the suit and on the team kit faster than you can say “volcano full of lasers” or “missile crisis averted, Mrs Abramovich.” Smiles, tears, trophy, hero.

So come the end of the operation, Terry will, like most world class performers in his field, need a long and relaxing holiday. Well, there happens to be a quite important tour happening at this time too... Again, the top draw decision-making comes into play. To go ahead with the latest, and fairly vital – shall we say, tour? Or take that well-earned rest in the sun? It’s a no-brainer. Terry was emotionally involved with the last case, despite not participating on a physical basis – the mental strain was pretty damn fearsome (under which most men would have crumbled). So a glamorous vacation was necessary. It’s in the country’s interest; JT will need to be fully charged and virile – ready for the next engagement.

And before you know it he’s back in England colours, not for Mars advertising cheques or grudging obligation but for the crest and for the flag. Prepared, unselfishly, not just to be Chelsea’s prick but England’s prick. Our prick.

How people can criticise this last true lion-heart of England, for little more than cock smithery and racial horseplay - a terrible blip among nothing but a career of minor blips - is beyond me. He’s a true lion, a gentleman of year’s gone, a...

Oh who am I kidding, Terry, you twat

words by tom dowding

Portrait of a Madman

‘‘

‘‘

“Attacking football is the simplest way to victory and success.”

i

t is somewhat ironic, in a world given to hyperbole and wanton exclamations, that a quote of such endearing restraint should be uttered by a man like Athletic Bilbao’s Argentine coach Marcelo Bielsa. With a footballing brain as complex as the Large Hadron Collider smashing together Pythagoras’ Theorem with the works of James Joyce, Bielsa is surprisingly understated in his words.

To many he is famously known as ‘El Loco’ (the madman), a nickname earned through his obsessive poring over old football videos; a regular ritual which, it is said, sustains him through the night.

Bielsa’s appearance does little to dispel the label. To watch him pace up and down the touchline, he gives the impression of a man who has dressed himself in the dark before going to work. It’s a picture of a perfectly rare footballing animal – a man who could not give a shit.

Where modern football is seemingly obsessed with glitz and glamour off the pitch, Bielsa is compelled by his dedication to aesthetics on it. When the great and good of the world game assembled like a pack of camera-hungry hounds, to the draw of the 2002 World Cup, Bielsa (Argentina’s coach at the time) was conspicuous by his absence. One can only imagine that whilst the likes of Sven Goran Eriksson glad-handed anything with a backbone, Bielsa would have been at home, slumped in his favourite chair in an open dressing gown and a pair of time-worn pants, delighting in a rerun of the 1972 Copa Libertadores final.

While it might be tempting to view him as some crazed, reclusive outsider, the reality is that Bielsa

dedicates the bulk of his time and energy on devising ways for his teams to pulverise their opponents, his ethos being that attack is the only sustainable form of defence. Such an attitude is anathema to the modern game where much of the emphasis is neurotically placed on victory at all cost. Bielsa’s strategy is based on a furious pressing game, employing the kind of perpetual movement best witnessed in the cabinet office during the dying embers of the Brown administration. It is a do or die, guts and glory approach; the sort that probably confuses Howard Wilkinson’s every waking moment and disturbs him in his dreams.

Bielsa has often asserted that his enterprising approach is indicative of the Argentine game’s inherent consciousness. This awareness did not spare him from stinging criticism in his homeland during his tenure as national team manager. He was roundly jeered on one occasion when visiting La Bombanera, the percussive home of Boca Juniors; a mass rebuke for Bielsa’s exiling of slow-motion superstar – and Boca idol – Juan Riquelme from the national squad. Questioned about this reception, Bielsa marvelled, stating that it was “in the essence of the game.” Certainly, Bielsa holds true to many tenets of the Argentine game. However, the lack of a traditional playmaking number 10 represents a willingness to go against the grain.

During his early days as national boss, Bielsa had to encourage his squad to adapt to playing with three at the back; whilst results may have implied teething problems, through persuasion and a stare more intimidating than Roy Keane catching you in bed with his golden retriever, things began to improve.

Adhering to the Bielsa model requires an obscene

amount of energy and discipline not to mention deftness of touch, and once his team hit their straps, waltzing their way to the 2002 World Cup, they were immediately installed as pre-tournament favourites. Unfortunately for Bielsa, the rigours of the European club season had taken its toll on his players and they duly limped home after the first round.

Bielsa survived but eventually called time on his tenure after gold-medal success at the 2004 Olympics, citing exhaustion and doubtless still burdened by the disappointment of two years before. He bided his time and in 2007 he became coach of the Chilean national team. This was a perfect opportunity for Bielsa; unfettered by the expectations and dogmatism of a major footballing power, he had carte-blanche to impose his style on a team of young, exciting and technically gifted players. More importantly it enabled him to sell his vision to a population bereft of a discernible footballing identity. He thus became the architect of their dreams, and they in turn his disciples; a footballing Koresh fortified in the Waco of his brilliant mind.

Once again, Bielsa masterminded a dazzling qualifying campaign resulting in Chile taking their place at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. In a tournament that largely resembled a re-enactment of a once beautiful dance performed by a troupe of village idiots beset by a crippling fear of success to the monotonous din of plastic horns, Chile stoically endeavoured to plunder the affections of every neutral with their fearless dedication to attack. To see Bielsa during his side’s match against overwhelming favourites Spain was an

three to Watch at Euro 2012 enduring image of the competition: crouched down as though surveying the ground for the shards of football’s shattered soul, intent on leaving a tapestry for a complacent mass to savour as his team, reduced to ten-men, stubbornly succumbed to defeat against the shaken – soon to be – world champions.

In the following round, Chile – outmuscled by a Brazilian team fraudulently clinging to their status as guardians of the beautiful game – were eliminated; their departure nothing more than a mere trickle in a pond to the majority of onlookers.

Early the following year, Bielsa, weary of political entanglements at the head of the Chilean FA, resigned. That summer he resurfaced at Athletic Bilbao. Accustomed, by experience, to the purchasing remit of a homeless man in Harrods, Bielsa has transformed Athletic from Spain’s most quintessentially agricultural outfit to his latest measured miracle in little over six months. Their recent evisceration of Manchester United, the most publicised exhibition of his mission statement.

The nature of his current project, its restrictions in the transfer market and vulnerability to having his prized assets snatched away at a parody of their potential value represent the latest obstacles to Bielsa’s fulfilment. It is likely that he will never get the job he deserves. He harbours a reputation for unorthodoxy that will frighten the most vaunted of employers. Whether it is by virtue of his unconventional training methods, unusual relations with the media or his painstaking attention to detail, Bielsa simply does not conform to the stereotype of the uber-suave modern football coach. He is an island, independent, impervious to intrusion and betrothed to his art. Any attempts to tailor him for the purposes of a Chelsea or Inter Milan would surely only serve to dilute his genius.

While Bielsa continues to captivate in his war of the aesthetic over the cosmetic, football gradually compromises itself further to the stresses of convention in order to satisfy its impatient investors, be they corporations, the media and its most ardent constituents, the fans. In this light, Bielsa represents one of the game’s true successes and therefore the temptation is to wonder whether rather than being mad, perhaps he is the one person who truly gets what it’s all about. This begs the question, if Bielsa is El Loco, then who would want to be sane?

Much like the World Cup, the European Championships allows fans around the globe to pour maniacally over some of the best established and rising stars in the game. New heroes are forged, curiosities cultivated and the transfer rumour mill goes into overdrive. It is a great opportunity to cast an eye over talents of whom you’ve heard plenty but seen little of. However, the proliferation of football on television and the advent of the world’s most hyped scouting network – YouTube – have served to distil a lot of the mystique surrounding such events.

Nonetheless, there are players who often slip under the radar: the unheralded everyman of the team who goes on to take a tournament by storm before sliding comfortably back into obscurity and never to trouble a Panini sticker album again. At the other end of this spectrum is the fallen idol, desperately clawing back credibility, intent on silencing his doubters. In between this there is “die wunderkind,” the player who provokes pant-wetting anticipation with a fair degree of trepidation in the understanding that he might actually turn out to be shite. All these creatures toil beneath the small, exclusive island of the megastar, whom - as prescience and Nike commercials have decreed – will almost certainly not disappoint. Unless, of course, they inevitably do even if two years is ample time for the fog of collective amnesia to work its witchcraft and make us believe that this really is Cristiano Ronaldo’s time.

With all this in mind, here are three players making their way to Poland and Ukraine that you might just want to keep in your mind, if not your fantasy team: Lukasz Piszczek • POLAND (Borussia Dortmund) The player which the majority of the football-loving Polish nation will turn its lowly eyes to is, of course, striker Robert Lewandowski, potentially the biggest star the co-hosts have produced since Zbigniew Boniek and his brilliant moustache. In order to fire Poland’s campaign, Lewandowski will be heavily reliant on Dortmund team-mate and right-back Lukasz Piszczek. Since moving to the Westfalenstadion in 2010, Piszczek has been a revelation, helping ‘The Borussians’ to two consecutive Bundesliga titles. In this time, he has created twelve goals and helped himself to four of his own, thus establishing himself as one of the most exciting and coveted full-backs in Europe. Perhaps this is not surprising as like many an attacking full-back, he started his career as a centre-forward and was joint leading scorer in the Under-19 European Championships.

Kevin Strootman • NETHERLANDS (Psv Eindhoven) Mention the words Dutch International Midfielder and the new Roy Keane, and you’re likely to grab someone’s attention. Apply them to the same player, and you’re likely to cause arousal. At present, only the former is certain about 22 year old Kevin Strootman. It is, however, a measure of the esteem he is held in that the former Utrecht central midfielder is being courted by the likes of Manchester United after a season of commanding displays at the Philips Stadion, which have evoked comparisons to the ex-United dynamo.

Tall, energetic and possessing a great eye for a pass, Strootman started in each of the Netherlands final four qualifiers and seems set to take his place alongside Mark Van Bommel in the Dutch engine room.

Marco Reus • GERMANY (Borussia Dortmund) Subject of one of the most intriguing transfer stories in recent German history, Marco Reus will be going home to Dortmund after Euro 2012 having spurned the advances of Bayern Munich. Lovers of exhilarating dribbling-skills everywhere will be hoping he’s eager to delay the homecoming for as long as possible. Having bedazzled fans in the Bundesliga this season with Borussia Monchengladbach, where his 21 goals and 10 assists helped the fallen giants of German football back into the Champions League, Reus goes into the tournament as merely one of a phalanx of ludicrously gifted young, creative talent at Jogi Löw’s disposal. It is likely he will have to make do with a place on the bench at the start of the tournament

gary lineker gary lineker what a life you've had gary lineker gary lineker i'd love it if you were my dad mine fucked off years ago oh gary you have done so many things and in a way it is not fair i wish i could do just one of those things but you probably dont care oh gary oh gary you were a total goal hanger oh gary oh gary is mark lawrenson a wanker he seems like one mates goal hanger goal hanger a yellow card you did never get no anger no anger you looked after gazza when he was upset oh gary oh gary "have a word with him" you said oh gary oh gary and you pointed to your head

ode to gary lineker words by duncan jenkins

you hung up your boots and went on the telly then your hairs went all grey like the italian, ravenelli or pip schofield you like to write poims for your new birds i read it on the internet what inspired you to write those words i bet you've been on punternet your new wife is fit as fuck i've heard she's got a lisp but i bet she's not bothered mates not with all those free crisps i love you on the telly you are smooth but never flash i even love your sun bed tan do you remember that moustache pencil thin like erroll flynn the singer from "hot chocolate" you sexy thing you sexy thing i dont know why you chopped it off oh gary oh gary see you on M.O.T.D oh gary oh gary one day that'll be me

roy hodgson: england manager words by chris butcher

w

hen Roy Hodgson picked up his latest batch of business cards he would be forgiven to have looked twice at his job title, England Manager!

Every man and his dog had Harry Redknapp down for the job once Fabio Capello had been relieved of his duties but the FA took their time, whether out of due diligence or hesitation about making a decision.

Finally Hodgson was approached and the FA made it clear that he was the number one target throughout the whole process. Did he have the nous to be able to cope with the pressure of arguably the most demanding job in world football? Does he have the man management skills to handle footballing superstars? Can he get Gerrard and Lampard to play together?

The answers lie in his past managerial experiences...

Journeyman is often banded around when referring to someone in football but for Hodgson this term is more than true. His managerial career started in 1976 with Halmstad in Sweden. Following this he has had spells at various clubs in Switzerland, Italy, Norway and England. In this time Hodgson developed a reputation for putting together teams which are both organised and disciplined.

Paulo Sousa who worked under Hodgson at Inter Milan stated “The training sessions had a plan, they had a system”. Hodgson has always tried to put together teams where the players all work for the team with compact formations with specific roles given to each player. During his first spell at Inter it can be said that there were no major superstars in the team and they weren’t the most technically gifted bunch of players in Serie A. However Hodgson knew that they had physicality on their side and using this, guided the team to the UEFA cup final in 1997. Unfortunately Inter did not go on to lift the trophy and Hodgson, even with his relationship with the board, parted company. However he did leave his mark on the team.

In his two seasons as permanent manager the club scored 17 more goals and conceded 14 fewer than they had in the previous two seasons.

With regards to handling major stars, during his second spell with Inter, Hodgson had at his disposal the best player in the world at that point in time, Ronaldo. Hodgson knew the importance of Ronaldo to how Inter played and developed a system which complemented Ronaldo’s attributes.

His spell at Inter is just a drop in the ocean of how Hodgson has developed his skills as both a manager and man. Having travelled around Europe managing club sides Hodgson also developed his skills as a national team manager by taking control of Switzerland and the United Arab Emirates. Even though it can be argued that these nations are not footballing powerhouses, Hodgson instilled his philosophy and system that provided stability for the development of footballing talent that the nation possessed. Switzerland nearly spoilt England’s party in Euro 1996 with Hodgson at the helm with England lucky to get a 1-1 draw in the opening game. Taking all of his background into consideration the FA had found their man to take England to the Ukraine and Poland and onward to future tournaments. But who would Hodgson appoint to his backroom staff to aid him in his quest to bring footballing glory back to these shores?

When he was appointed manager at Fulham one of the first decisions that Hodgson made was to appoint Ray Lewington as his assistant. Lewington had previously been working as the reserve team manager and had stepped into the role of caretaker manager prior to Hodgson’s appointment. During Hodgson’s tenure at Fulham a relationship was struck up which contributed too them guiding Fulham to a Europa League final in 2010. Lewington has been in the background at Fulham since 2005 gaining a reputation for developing young players and establishing the academy. He played a major role in the

development of the training facilities at Fulham which are now considered one of the best in the country. Alongside Lewington, Dave Watson has been appointed as goalkeeping coach. This is a very shrewd appointment by Hodgson as Watson has worked with Joe Hart, England’s number one, in the past during his spell at Birmingham City. During this time Hart established himself as a first team regular and once his loan spell had ended he went back to Manchester City to take his place in the first team. Hart will no doubt enjoy working with a coach who harnessed the potential that Hart possessed to mould him into one of the best goalkeepers in the world currently.

Watson has also worked with Jack Butland. Butland, who is currently one of the brightest prospects that England have, is contracted to Birmingham City and will know Watson very well. Having Butland as part of the senior set up will only aid his development which may see him taking over from Hart in the future.

Then comes the surprise appointment of Hodgson’s backup staff, Gary Neville. During the last season Neville had been working as a pundit for Sky Sports gaining a reputation as someone who talked a lot of sense and knew the game inside out and could convey tactics in a simple manner which the average football fan could understand. However having had no previous coaching experience other than obtaining his UEFA ‘A’ and ‘B’ coaching licences this appointment might seem a little puzzling. How can someone with no previous experience in coaching, let alone a group as gifted as the England squad, be expected to come in and contribute straight away.

Perhaps Neville is to act as a communicator between Hodgson and the players due to him having either played with or against the majority of the current England squad. This has already been evidenced by the fact that Neville has been joining in with the training sessions and filling in as a defender in practice matches. With Hodgson’s reputation for putting together organised teams and Neville’s history of pulling the strings in Manchester United defence it could turn out to be an inspired appointment

by Hodgson.

So what next for England?

Personally I think that Hodgson will begin to put his mark on the team in the games following the Euros.

He has said that he owes it to the players who have got England to the finals and this stance could be the reason behind why Downing got selected even with his less than par season. Hodgson is also reluctant to jettison those who played a key role in securing qualification for Euro 2012.

“It has been interesting taking over a squad of players that has qualified for the tournament and done extremely well to qualify for the tournament under another manager,” he said.

Following the finals I also expect a couple of the established players e.g. Lampard, Parker, Terry to announce their international retirement so that some of the younger players can come though the ranks.

The players who will come in might not be everyone's first choice but they will be players that Hodgson thinks he can mould into international quality players for England.

Whoever is in that shirt and no matter who selects the team; they go out onto the pitch knowing that there is an entire nation behind them.

COME ON ENGLAND!

Season Review A Manager’s Perspective o

ne of the most climatic and entertaining Premier League seasons culminated with Manchester City pipping their cross-town rivals to land their first title in 44 years. The blue contingent of Manchester will eternally hail Roberto Mancini for his feats this season, but let’s not be fooled into thinking his was the only stand out managerial performance of the season. Lest we forget, Barclays Manager of the Season award for 2011-12 went to the man who guided Newcastle United to fifth place.

Top Performers Alan Pardew presided over the inspirational recovery of a side that fell from Champions League football in 2004 to the Championship. In just 18 months, he took them back to within sniffing distance of Europe’s top table. He somehow made a fairly compelling defence out of what many preseason suggestions deemed to be some less than

imposing names and unveiled some of the most potent attacking talent of the season in the form of Demba Ba, Papiss Cisse, Yohan Cabaye and Hatem Ben Arfa.

A special mention goes to Graham Carr, Newcastle’s chief scout, for sourcing this immense array of talent on behalf of a very grateful manager.

But the real glory this season belongs to Roberto Mancini. Following a 1-0 April defeat to Arsenal, the Italian had only six games to overhaul an eight point difference on rivals Manchester United – a seemingly impossible task. Despite writing off his

side’s chances – little more than a cunning tactical ploy – six victories and the most dramatic last gasp title-clincher imaginable etched Mancini’s name into City folklore.

Despite the multi-million pound war chest at his disposal, a temperamental dressing room that included the liability twins, Mario Balotelli and Carlos Tevez – when the latter wasn’t on an Argentinean golf course – immeasurably exacerbated his challenge. City finished top of the pile due to Mancini handling the majority of circumstances with impressive authority and sharp judgment.

Meanwhile, the former Inter Milan boss’ chief competitor, Sir Alex Ferguson, was mere seconds from pulling off a minor miracle.

Only Sergio Aguero’s injury time title-winner prevented one of his greatest accomplishments. His squad, whilst not devoid of quality, was short of the splendour possessed by Manchester City and former star-studded Red Devils line-ups. Fergie’s seasonal masterstroke was to convince legendary general Paul Scholes out of retirement to counter his side’s muted midfield authority – a move that helped them keep pace with City and took them to the brink of yet another league glory.

Caretaker of the Century Roberto Di Matteo took over an ailing Chelsea in March and within three months had landed them not only the FA cup but a long coveted Champions League triumph for Roman Abramovich. He didn’t do anything amazing to change their fortunes, which was the beauty of his performance.

Sure, he rode his luck – Lionel Messi, Arjen Robben and Bastian Schweinsteiger all missing from 12 yards to hand the Blues Champions League lifelines is a world beyond the realms of plausible – but he kept it simple, made the players feel immense and took Chelsea back to what they had been good at previously. Whether he retains his job or not this summer, his legacy will endure.

Steady Performers Arsene Wenger suffered a nightmare start to the season, having to sell Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri before experiencing some sobering early-season defeats. It seemed like Arsenal would be made to pay for the long-serving Frenchman’s hesitancy and reluctance in the summer transfer market.

Wenger deserves credit – along with the truly magnificent Robin van Persie – for turning Arsenal’s year around and managing to secure Champions League football for the 15th successive season. The inconsistencies and fragilities that have plagued Arsenal’s recent years remain and need addressing, but their manager still knows how to burrow into those top 4 league positions.

Other managers who performed in their usual, highly competent manner without explicit success or accolades to parade at the end of the year were David Moyes, Martin Jol and Tony Pulis. Everton’s FA Cup run and typically strong finish to the season, a first European adventure for Stoke and a top half

finish for Fulham all gave their fans something to smile about and optimism for next season.

Great Escapes & Unfortunate Demises Another amazing Premier League escape plan was hatched by Wigan’s Roberto Martinez this season.

How he did it, no one is still quite sure, but the tactical switch of the season, opting to change to a 3-4-3 formation, seemed to suit his team and catch others unaware. The perennial escapologist won seven of his last nine games, including unfathomable victories over Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal and their young manager appears to be learning all the time. If he can add a solid opening three quarters of the season to his phenomenal finishes he may well become the manager many have touted him to be.

of speculation as new owners arrived in pre-season, though it was January before he was replaced with Mark Hughes. The R’s were sat outside the bottom three at the time of the change and though Hughes spent uncomfortable periods inside the drop zone, his slow burning changes gradually took effect and QPR beat Liverpool, Arsenal, Tottenham on their way to survival.

Mick McCarthy was given the boot at Wolverhampton after a 5-1 home humbling against West Bromwich Albion. It proved a catastrophic error on behalf of the Wolves board. No doubt the seasoned Yorkshire man would have rallied his side to deliver more than the meagre four points his replacement, the likeable but patently ill-qualified Terry Connor, earned in his ill-fated survival quest.

Throughout the year, Owen Coyle had the look of a man who never feared the drop. Yet, ultimately, he could not inspire his Bolton team to fully recover from a dreadful start that yielded just 9 points from the first 48.

Andre Villas-Boas was asked to oversee a Chelsea revolution, but quickly lost a dressing room that was rather resistant to the idea of a whirlwind overthrow.

The 34 year old exhibited some rookie mistakes, but wasn’t truly given the support or time to fulfil the task asked of him – not that anyone associated with the Champions League winners cares to remember what that task was.

Regardless of the trauma of relegation, Coyle emerged from the season with much credit having managed his side so admirably throughout the horrendous trauma of Fabrice Muamba’s White Hart Lane cardiac arrest. Relegation suddenly doesn’t seem so distressing.

Managerial Merry-go-round With the curtain down on another eventful Premier League season, the managerial merry-go-round has cranked into full swing. Aston Villa and Liverpool have secured new bosses. Norwich, Swansea and WBA are searching.

Blackburn’s demise was unavoidable under the direction of a beleaguered manager and fanciful owners. Fans were vociferous in their discontent from August to May. With rhinoceros skin, Steve Kean saw out the entire season in charge and somehow remains in the hottest of Ewood Park hot seats, though you would be hard pushed to find a Blackburn fan with confidence that Kean will lead them back from the Championship at the first time of asking.

Norwich’s Paul Lambert has replaced Alex McLeish at Aston Villa after the two Scotsmen had highly conflicting seasons. Whilst Norwich fans will be sad to see the man who revitalised their fortunes leave, there will be few – dare I say any – Villa fans who will miss the brand of football deployed by ‘Big Eck’ following his switch from Birmingham City last summer.

Rather than being an unfortunate demise, Harry Redknapp’s season could easily have been classed as a top performance. Had it not been for the most suspect German penalty performance ever conceived, it would have been. As it was, despite a brief flirtation with a title challenge and some classy football, Tottenham finished without Champions League football and face a stiff challenge to hold onto their key players next season.

Fallen Managers Though we didn’t see a managerial casualty until late November, there was an eventual scratch of the itchy trigger finger and Steve Bruce received the first bullet after struggling to make considerable summer investment count.

Martin O’Neill utilised his much heralded man management skills to awaken Bruce’s drowsy Black Cats and despite a late stutter – finishing without a win in their final eight games – O’Neill led his troops to a comfortable 13th place finish. Neil Warnock never had the luxury of job security as QPR returned to the Premier League. His position was the subject

In past years, a cup success might have been enough to buy Kenny Dalglish more time at Anfield, but Liverpool’s American owners evidently have little room for sentiment and ultimately the club’s league form was the undoing of the man dubbed ‘King’.

Dalglish’s replacement, Brendan Rodgers, impressed many with the free flowing football he instilled at Swansea during their highly successful first season back in the top flight. Many Reds fans courted a bigger name such as Rafael Benitez or Pep Guardiola, but they now need to accept Rodgers and give him chance to grow if Liverpool are to move forward.

England’s New Chapter The man who was never truly accepted on Merseyside became the 17th man to lead the English national side into battle. Roy Hodgson may have failed to win over the Kop during his time in the North-West, but his relationship with WBA fans was somewhat different after helping the club shed their tag as a Premier League yo-yo club. Time will tell whether Hodgson’s well-organised, hard to beat manner will win over the England supporters – potentially in as little as three weeks

The King is dead, but should he be? words by james carruthers

t

he pressure on Liverpool idol Kenny Dalglish intensified week after week, poor result after poor result. His return as manager in January 2010 was by extremely popular demand, but after just 17 months in charge the Anfield hierarchy decided he was no longer the man to lead the Liverpool renaissance.

Liverpool’s record in front of their own fans last season was substandard by many team’s aspirations, let alone the famous LFC with their proud tradition and starladen, expensively assembled side. Nine draws and only six wins from sixteen games was a cause for sheer frustration amongst Reds fans.

Yet in winning the Carling Cup earlier in the season, the Kop legend delivered Liverpool’s first major trophy for six seasons and if not for a FA Cup final defeat would have finished with a double addition to an Anfield trophy room that already has a host honours that were won during Kenny’s first spell in charge.

But it was sketchy league form that proved too much to ignore for Liverpool’s owners, in particular the dire run between February and April where a squad boosted by well in excess of £100 million during Dalglish’s reign were only been able to collate 5 points from a possible 27.

Liverpool fans found themselves in a genuine emotional quandary. After all, to them Kenny Dalglish is the epitome of the word legend. He is the man who played a role in 22 league and cup successes as player and manager. He is the man who helped a city come to terms with the tragedy at Hillsborough. He is the man dubbed “King”.

He is also the man who fans wanted in charge of their club so badly that they effectively hounded predecessor Roy Hodgson out of his post. But whilst Dalglish managed to ride a wave of momentum after taking control in the second half of last season, sustaining the level of performance over a full season proved exceptionally difficult. Liverpool and Dalglish will have considered themselves unlucky in some games last season. The domination of numerous home games should have yielded further victories than they secured. However, what on the surface could be

considered poor fortune was actually symptomatic of one of Liverpool’s biggest flaws under the Scotsman’s guidance.

The big money spent on signings just was not invested wisely enough. Kop fans were crying out for a goalscorer the likes of which they have been accustomed to over the years. Rush, Fowler and Owen would all have filled their boots with the chances offered up last season, yet Liverpool’s strike force was severely under qualified given those who had gone before them.

Whilst Luis Suarez – from a purely football perspective – fell within the successful signing bracket, his play was undermined when lacking support from a natural finisher. The money spent making Andy Carroll the joint tenth most expensive player in the history of the game always seemed ludicrous, but when Dalglish did not even want his team to play to the beastly striker’s strengths it became even more unfathomable.

Identification When money is factored into an equation, pressure becomes a huge element of the outcome. Buying a core of British players on behalf of Dalglish meant Liverpool invariably paid over the odds for the quality they brought in. Dalglish may not have been involved in negotiating the sky-high fees – a job that fell within the remit of the also axed Director of Football, Damien Comolli – but the identification of suitable targets was Kenny’s duty.

For example, Stuart Downing, whilst a decent and talented player, has also shown himself to be a player who is generally devoid of the gravitas with which to take a game by the scruff of the neck or produce a moment of magic that makes a difference in tight encounters. For £19 million, surely a club would be looking to acquire a player with these traits?

Although Liverpool may not have invested in a squad that could seriously have expected to challenge the top of the league, one would think Dalglish had the players at his disposal to be somewhere nearer to the minimum target of fourth place than the eventual 17 point gap.

The gulf came down to tactics, systems and situation management. These are the areas that generated the most significant question marks over Dalglish’s suitability for the Liverpool hot-seat as these are the elements of the game that alter and evolve in relatively short cycles.

And if managers are not careful they get left behind.

There are plenty of examples in modern football where highly successful and skilled managers returned to football only to find the task too difficult for them.

Graham Taylor led Aston Villa to their best league position since winning the league title in 1981 during his first stint at the club, yet his attempt to employ similar tactics on his return 12 years later was distinctly unsuccessful. Kevin Keegan’s return to Newcastle was equally troublesome. .

Dalglish, by contrast, did not show the same ability to adapt, the starkest example being his atrocious media mismanagement during his second stint. Whilst his refusal to admit Luis Suarez had done any wrong during that particular saga certainly damaged his and Liverpool’s credibility, his petulant responses to any slightly contentious question over the course of the season simply ate away at his favour with the media inviting more pressure on himself and his team.

In years gone by, a cup success term might have bought him the courtesy of a little more time to make things right, but the modern game waits for no man and whilst Kenny may be the King, he is still only a man.

Liverpool’s American owners now entrust Brendan Rodgers to provide the success they believe their investment deserves. They feel the up and coming former Swansea boss with a penchant for free-flowing football is the right candidate to take the club forward, but the big question is do the Liverpool fans?

After all, as seen with Roy Hodgson, the Kopites have the potential to make life difficult for anybody they feel is not up to the task of spearheading a rapid return to the glory days. Unfortunately for Kenny Dalglish, irrespective of fan emotion, affection or perception, he didn’t work quickly enough for an ambitious board.

words by dan humphry

ast issue I wrote an article about Joey Barton that, to be honest, couldn’t make its mind up.

That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing; the whole Barton cocktail is made up of assumptions one part distain to two parts intrigue. Probably with a little umbrella of pantomime on the top.

Well, the media’s favourite monster has struck again.

There’s little need to retread his end of season antics as that kick has been replayed more than Van Dame’s on a battered old VHS copy of Blood Sport. It’s been examined from every angle, from MOTD’s ‘he’s a disgrace, execute his face’ sermon on high to Football Weekly’s more levelled ‘it’s not as if he stabbed anyone’ approach.

All of football licked their lips to denounce Barton’s ‘disgraceful’, ‘heinous’ and ‘barbaric’ act yet the average fan couldn’t quite turn away. If nothing else Barton knows how to pick his targets, once lampooning the failed 2010 England Squad’s World Cup memoirs as a guide ‘how to be a loser’. Here his elbow found the jaw of Carlos Tevez; a man-child so reviled for bemoaning his ‘imprisonment’ on £200k a week that it’s a surprise national resentment alone hadn’t forcibly reintroduced him to his rattle.

Then there was the kick, a team mate’s suggestion that Barton ‘take one of their lot with him’ once the red card was unveiled. Again a ‘disgraceful’, ‘heinous’ and ‘barbaric’ act (etc) but also one that showed an almost admirable level of cold, logical, nastiness - like every emotionally-deficient Bond villain ever. Having realised he’d hamstrung his team to 10 men Barton decided to dive on the grenade and kick for greater good. Rational Utilitarianism is what they call it in more sinister circles, I believe. Of course, being the new age Barton an on-field scuffle wasn’t enough too 90s, too Vinnie Jones - and so he quickly took to Twitter to exonerate himself. Sort of.

After half apologising for the incident, “Still not my proudest moment but who gives a fuck, we are safe and that is all that matters,” the Big Mouth became incensed when MOTD pundit Alan Shearer dared question his place in football. Not one to let sleeping dogs lie Barton went on the offensive, “Shearer’s on my case. I know I fucked up Alan, thanks for stating the obvious…I really don’t like that prick, in fact I honestly despised him, goodnight.” Things only escalated when affable crisp shifter Gary Linekar

decided to wade in. “Hear Barton had a dig at Shearer.

Is this an attempt, I wonder, to deflect criticisms coming his way?” A powder keg was lit and Barton turned his arsenal of wit (work with me here) on old big ears. “No deflections here mate. Think the fact about 100m people seen it will see to that… Do you wanna go there publicly Mr Squeaky Clean? Think you should have a look in that vast closet of skeletons before you respond,” he raged. “Now go back under your stone you odious little toad.” Wisely Lineker did just that, national treasures don’t get embattled in public Twitter wars after all. Could you imagine Ian McKellen calling out beef with Judie Dench? No, exactly.

Still, as with previous Barton-Twittergates the whole episode played out more pantomime than prickishness and proved more entertaining than most MOTD broadcasts anyway. Barton had again struck gold and warmed those who just hours before had denounced him as football's anti-Christ. And even then, to paraphrase Bill Hicks, we’d rather go to hell where the interesting music is than listen to a lifetime of Cliff Richard. Or Alan Shearer’s punditry.

Fast forward three weeks and Barton was doing away with his now more glamorous raison d’être of kicking millionaires and ill-tweeting celebs to indulge in the more earthy tradition of booze fueled punch ups.

Every press outlet in the country fawned over the seemingly minor incident and for now at least the official line seems to indicate: out drinking, drunk, abused by rival fans, attacked, attacked back, sexy shirtless photo op, arrested, bailed, Twitter storm, holiday. Were this any other player the benefit of doubt may have been afforded, (yes we’re looking at you Stevie ‘Rocky 2,3 and 4’ Gerrard), but then Barton hasn’t really earned any benefits, let alone doubt.

And so where is Barton now? Well probably in Marbella sipping Mojitos and laughing at us assumers, but career-wise? Right where he’s always been, of course! His team avoided relegation. He’ll likely have some England-team baiting to help win back support post-Euros and with 12 Premiership game weeks of Bartonless antics come September. No doubt absence will make the heart grow fonder.

So, yes he’s still as unsavoury as that end-of-day Gregg’s steak bake but by god English football wouldn’t half be duller without him

Editor Arnold Bernid Creative Director Ned Read Designer Steve Leard Words & Pictures James Carruthers James Cowen Tom Dowding Aron Jones Greg Holmes Dan Humphry Jonjo Rooney

website picklesmagazine.co.uk facebook facebook.com/picklesmagazine tumblr picklesmagazine.tumblr.com twitter twitter.com/picklesmagazine

Subscription enquiries sub@picklesmagazine.co.uk

www.wearerandl.co.uk

printed by the

alex mcleish Miscreant of the Midlands

a

fter a particularly trying season, Aston Villa secured their Premier League survival for another season on the penultimate day of the 2011-12 season. The historical top dogs of Midland’s football finished just two places and two points above the trap door under the guidance of the former boss of their fierce rivals Birmingham City.

As the whistle blew to signal a 1-1 draw at home to Tottenham – yet another honours-even scoreline in a campaign littered with them – Alex McLeish breathed a huge sigh of relief. Villa had flirted perilously close to the drop zone and were slipping ever-closer as the campaign climaxed.

But with this result at home to Champions League chasing Tottenham, he could finally rest easy, safe in the knowledge he had extended Villa’s Premier League existence into a 21st season.

Or so he thought. The mere achievement of safety was simply not enough for the Villa board. Just a day after the season finished and following a limp 2-0 away reverse to Norwich, McLeish lost his post.

The statement that accompanied the news of McLeish’s departure was rather damning. Whilst the tone was pleasant, professional and respectful, the judgement was fierce. “The club has been disappointed with this season’s results, performances and the general message these have sent to our fans,” the statement read, whilst Villa chairman Randy Lerner added: “Compelling play and results that instil a sense of confidence that Villa is on the right track have been plainly absent.”

The mood of the board was certainly a reflection, if not a consequence, of fan despair around Villa Park.

The fans let ‘Big Eck’ know in no uncertain terms what they thought of his performance during Villa’s April 2-1 reverse at home to eventually relegated Bolton. So fervent had the disdain become that some

fans even clubbed together to fund an anti-McLeish advert in the local paper.

towards the same fate as one particular constituent of last year’s relegated trio.

Yet some hold a different perspective to Villa’s fans and board, one that is more favourable and supportive to the exiled manager. “From day one, he’s been swimming upstream,” former manager Ron Atkinson said. “I think there’s a big hangover from the fact he came from Birmingham. I don’t think he’s been given a fair crack of the whip.

Of course, as mentioned by Atkinson, there were mitigating circumstances for McLeish during his year in charge. Villa’s best players prior to McLeish’s arrival, Ashley Young and Stewart Downing, were sold in pre-season and the squad was subject to an almighty casualty list in the closing weeks.

“All they’ve seen this year is a manager having to work with some very ordinary, mundane players. It’s the most bereft Villa team I've seen since the start of the Premier League.”

So who is right? Was Alex McLeish not up to the challenge of the Villa Park hotseat, or was he never given the chance to succeed?

It would be all too simplistic and condescending to many Villa fans to suggest that McLeish had been unfairly treated by them simply because of his crosscity connections. Whilst some fans were undoubtedly never prepared to accept the thought of a ‘Bluenose’ in charge of their club, other fans showed a greater degree of patience.

Irrespective of a manager’s CV, fans of any club will exhibit frustration if their team secures just four home wins all year – Villa’s lowest ever tally – and wins just one game between February and May. A solitary win in McLeish’s last 16 games represented true relegation material, whilst Wigan secured 7 wins from their final 9 games to finish above Villa when they once looked doomed.

If a manager cannot provide either results or entertainment, fans will rightfully begin to wonder what value they are receiving for their admission fees. Furthermore, frustration will be compounded by anxiety if they see their side drifting helplessly

w o r d s b y ja m e s carr u th e rs

But Villa’s squad still contained a number of international players that would not have struggled for a Premier League move had they gone down.

So the frustration of those whose blood runs claret and blue was completely valid after the season they were subject to. And much to the delight of the fans McLeish was removed and replaced by Norwich City’s exciting young prospect, Paul Lambert.

Unfortunately for McLeish, who carried himself in an exemplary and professional manner throughout his short reign, his position had become untenable. In reality, if Villa had failed to get off to a sharp start in 2012-13, the negativity would have intensified with overwhelming toxicity and home attendances would have continued to deteriorate.

Acting swiftly to bring in a new manager, one with the distinct backing of the fans, allows the club the opportunity to start afresh. Lambert’s stock is high having taken Norwich out of League 1 and into the Premier League with successive promotions, where they stayed with consummate ease after their first year.

To move Villa back towards where they were under Martin O’Neill, he will need funds not afforded to McLeish. No doubt, the situation faced by ‘Big Eck’ was tough and he gave it his very best, but as Villa’s Chief Executive Paul Faulkner said following McLeish’s departure: “We want someone to bring some vibrancy back to Villa.” It’s unlikely Alex McLeish’s style will ever be described as vibrant

york city fc • Blue Square Bet Premier Promotion Final Imagine your ‘house’ was your football club and your ‘bank’ was the main share-holder and owner.

Imagine the bank who you had your mortgage with, suddenly decided to shut up shop and take any remaining profits (including your house – as you haven’t paid all the mortgage off yet).

That is what happened with York City Football Club in the last decade. The main share-holder and owner, a Mr Douglas Craig, bought York in 1990 for £50,000. A generally successful ‘90’s and pragmatic stewardship passed until when the going got a bit tough, and Craig got a bit bored, he decided to take what he could and forget about the club. Fortunately the York City faithful had other ideas and formed a Supporter’s Trust to save the club. Many days of bucket-shaking later and the Trust took control – and most importantly kept the team at their historic home.

Under new ownership (a local businessman and fan who donated money to the Supporter’s Trust in the early years) and back in the Football League. They beat fellow ex-league and financially-ruined club, Luton Town in the Play-off final at Wembley two goals to one. Welcome back York City – the phoenix has risen

W

hether chanting on the terrace or hollering in the pub, the English way has always been to get behind our team with a well placed song about the beautiful game.

a high street in a parody of Verve’s shoe-gaze Bitter Sweet Symphony.

This was the man's man answer to the introspective, woe-is-life indie of the late nineties.

How to sing it: Loudly. Projected from the blistering pits of a ‘you’ve-been-Vindalooed’ belly.

But what do these songs say about our teams or of the era in which they were released? Well, let's have a look at the best of the best: 1990 • All Together Now, The Farm Time and a place: Inspired by the First World War Christmas Day kick about between the English and Germans, The Farm crafted a song about football's ability to bring people together. And in a time when England was still recovering from the tough rule of Maggie, who could have blamed them.

How to sing it: Arm-in-arm, swaying, smiling, hopeful and ideally with a gin and tonic.

Team Reflections: A golden generation of players Waddle, Lineker, Pearce - and a nation bouncing back from deep recession, the song reflected a public's hope in a team of solid, grounded, publicly liked, bloke-in-the-pub players.

Go-on-the-lads Factor: On the stands All Together Now may provoke a smile rather than a Stuart Pearce 'let's have 'em' mentality - but it's in the pre-game that this anthem shines through. Sights of grown men hugging, singing and coming together - stirring in a homoerotic way really.

1990 • World in Motion, New Order and The England Squad Time and a Place: Not contented with one timeless anthem, World Cup '90 also saw England rope in dance pioneers New Order to create a second sweaty floor filler that was originally called 'E for England'. Dance music, early 90s,

Team Reflections: By 98 quite a few of 96's golden boys were looking as though they might have engorged one too many curries (yes, we're looking at you Merson) while manager Glen Hoddle had all the charisma of a Vegetable Korma. sweaty men, outpourings of love, understanding and euphoria? Must have been something in the water.

How to sing it: Wide eyed with a bottle of water.

Team Reflections: Many see this era as the start of footballers crossing over in to mainstream celebrity. Given that John Barnes beat fellow team mates Peter Beardsley and Chris Waddle in a rap-off to secure his now legendary spot on a number one record, it's a hard point to argue.

Go-on-the-lads Factor: More likely to keep the players out all night and have them sitting in a dark corner worrying about their strange shaped hands the next day than charging on to the pitch.

1996 • Three Lions, Baddiel and Skinner and the Lightning Seeds Time and a place: England was in the grip of coolBritannia, Brit Pop and the explosion of lad culture. The Word was grilling yanks, Johnny Vaughan became the anointed king of bloke, FHM was turning breast ogling in to a cultural pastime and the likes of Oasis, Blur and Pulp were putting a swagger in

every young man's step from London to Leicester. Enter two comedians with a penchant for beer, football and, most important of all, banter.

How to sing it: Topless, doused in Carling and with a mockney accent.

Team Reflections: As with England in general the ‘96 squad was full of supposed blokes; the types you could have a curry and chat Paul Smith and birds with.

Redknapp was the GQ fashion bloke, Fowler the wideboy bloke and Adam‘s the burly bloke.

Go-on-lads Factor: To this day no song rouses a group of half cut belly wobblers like Three Lions. Watching now mid thirties dads transform in to hollering louts as the opening chords tease is still a thing of rare beauty that should not be underestimated.

1998 • Vindaloo, Fat Les Time and a place: Following in the Three Lions tradition, Vindaloo was an anthem for men to shout while four pints down. Again fronted by a comedian - this time cockney Keith Allen the video featured an army of pot bellied beery types marching down

Go-on-lads-Factor: A maximum five chillies, spew on your gut chanting anthem.

2002 • We’re on the Ball, Ant and Dec Time and a Place WAGS were rife, player endorsed products and autobiographies filled the shelves and Beckham had transitioned from player to icon to brand. The era of Big Brother and banal celebrity was underway and rather than generation defining comedians or pioneering bands, the 2002 World Cup song brought in these two affable air farts.

How to sing it: On your own, in shame.

Team Reflections: For a candy floss pop nightmare sung by a pair of professional celebrity huggers the song reflected the transition of footballer from professional sportsman to famous look-look thing quite succinctly. Rio later started a hip hop label, Beckham an aftershave line and Ashley Cole a solid career in girlie mag villainy.

Go-on-lads-the-Factor: Zero. While staying on the ball is said to make winners in international football only Robbie Fowler would make headlines for possession

� andl R�