out of helen’s kitchen Helen Drysdale Gentle parenting

Valentine

Valentine’s Day will soon be upon us and reminders are in every store: boxes of chocolates, teddy bears holding lace-trimmed hearts, cards of all sizes and sentiments and flowers. In North America nearly 6 million couples get engaged on Valentine’s Day. It is the biggest commercial holiday after Christmas. Exchanging cards between lovers, family, and friends didn’t become widely popular until the 18th century. In the early 1900s, improvements in printing technology made exchanging cards even easier, with preprinted cards.

The Valentine’s Day tradition of giving a heart-shaped box of chocolates started in 1861 when Richard Cadbury of the Cadbury chocolate family came up with the idea to sell these fancy boxes of chocolate as part of the Valentine ’s Day tradition. Today, more than 36 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolates are sold each year. That’s 58 million pounds of chocolate!

In 1847, Boston pharmacist Oliver Chase invented a machine to make cutting out his throat lozenges more easily. He soon switched to making candy and his machine was referred to as America’s first candy-making machine. Chase’s brother came up with the idea to print messages on the candy in 1866, and the candies got their heart shape in 1901. The heart shaped, printed message candies are the second best candy seller for Valentine’s Day. In North America these “Sweetheart candies” are popular as more than eight billion (some 13 million pounds) of the little hearts are sold in the six weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day. That is a lot of “I love you” and “Be mine.”

If you’re planning a dinner in with your sweetie or all the family these easy to make desserts will give your meal a delightful ending. Show them your love since that’s what Valentine’s Day is all about.

The Maya considered chocolate to be the food of the gods and considered the cacao tree to be sacred. As a chocolate lover I believe they had it so right! Make these double chocolate chip cookies with a rich deep chocolate taste and loads of chocolate chips for the chocolate lover in your life. If you do not like maraschino cherries just leave them out and use two teaspoons of vanilla instead of the maraschino juice.

Chocolate lover’s cookie

1 cup butter or margarine, softened

1-1/2 cups sugar

2 eggs

2 tsp. maraschino juice

2 cups flour

2/3 cup cocoa

1 tsp. baking soda

1/4 tsp. salt

2 cups of your favouite chocolate chips

1/2 cup maraschino cherries, cut into quarters

Beat butter, sugar, eggs, and maraschino juice in large bowl until fluffy. Stir together flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt. Gradually add flour mixture, to the creamed mixture mixing well. Gently stir in the cherries. Drop by rounded teaspoons onto a lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350°F for 8 to 10 minutes or just until set. Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Cool completely. Serve to your favouite people. These elegant little pastries are so easy to make! Fill with whipped cream, pie filling, fresh fruit or your favorite custard. Light and so delicious. Dust with powdered sugar or drizzle with chocolate sauce.

1 cup water

1/2 cup butter

1/4 tsp. salt

1 cup flour

Cream puffs

4 large eggs, room temperature

Icing sugar for dusting Your favorite filling

Preheat oven to 400°F. In a large pot, heat water and butter until water boils and butter melts. Stir the salt into the flour. Remove pan from heat, add the flour all at once; beat vigorously with a wooden spoon until the flour is mixed in. Place the pot over medium/high heat. Stir continually until the mixture leaves the sides of the pot and makes a smooth ball. Remove from heat. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Not to worry, it’s supposed to be a little sticky and paste-like. Drop mixture with a spoon on a lightly greased baking sheet to form twelve puffs. Keep them the same size for even baking. Bake until golden brown, 30-35 minutes. Remove to wire racks. Immediately cut a slit in each for steam to escape; let cool. Split cream puffs; discard soft dough from inside. Fill the cream puffs with desired filling just before serving. Dust with confectioners’ sugar after filling. Refrigerate leftovers.

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As a therapist, I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard parents say, “My parents were tough on me, and I turned out fine so I can be tough on my kids” or “I’m just preparing them for the real world and the real world sucks”. Children don’t need hardship to grow, they need peace. Science is showing us that brain development comes from laughter, not from tears. That children who are raised to fear their caregivers are at greatest risk of mental illness, attachment disorder and a host of other relationship and mood management issues both in childhood and adulthood. Children who are provided emotional validation and support fair better in their childhood and adult relationships.

I think that a lot of people get confused because they think that emotionally validating their children is permissive parenting. Kids absolutely need boundaries, structure, tasks, and goals. They do need to be taught the value of education and hard work but these things can all still be delivered under an umbrella of unconditional love, positive regard, emotional validation and of course, kindness. No body is perfect, no parent is perfect, gosh, I’m the furthest thing from perfect but what is perfect, at least to me, are those two tiny smiling faces that look into my eyes and call me mama. Here are some things that we can be aware of to help us and our littles along the way.

• Greet your child with the enthusiasm that your dog greets you at the door. No seriously, try it. It helps them feels special and important. Counter to popular intuition, this does not lead to your child developing a feeling of entitlement.

In their growing brains, this is exactly the confidence boost that they need to keep developing. Our brains will tend to use the route most often used, so, if your child is met with positivity more often than negativity, their brain learns that positivity is the route most traveled.

• When your little one has a meltdown, because they will, try not to get sucked into their chaos. They are melting down not to manipulate you, not to torture you (though it feels like this) but because they have a need that’s not being met, and their brains are literally on fire trying to figure out what these big and scary emotions are and how to get their needs met.

This is the case for very little ones and older kids, it just looks different. I encourage you to name the emotion, “I see you are feeling angry right now”, set the boundary, “But you can’t scream and hit when you are angry” then the comfort, “I love you and I’m here to help you”. Then hold on tight for the wave of absolute insanity that comes as their brains regulate and they calm down. I once thought that

Your Listening Ear OPTOMETRISTS DR . R. P. ASHCROFT DR. K. VANDERHEYDEN DR. J. MILLS 204-638-3223

correcting the behavior by yelling and scaring them into listening was the correct approach because the behavior stopped but the underlying wave of anger, emotion and unmet needs are still there and now by teaching my child to fear me, I’ve added anxiety and insecurity into the mix. Everyone of course has the right to parent how they choose, my perspective is only one but for now, this is the one that makes the most sense to me and I wanted to share it with you.

Delsie Martin (BA, BSW RSW, MSW candidate) is a masters of social work student with the University of Calgary. Anyone who may have feedback on the column or wish to have a question anonymously answered as part of the weekly column may reach Martin at delsiemartin@ trueyoutherapy.ca. Martin’s podcast, The Relationship Review, can be found on Apple, Amazon, Google and Spotify podcast platforms.