Consider your partner’s past when building friendship

1 540mL can of diced tomatoes with juice

1 540mL can 6 bean mix, rinsed and drained

2 bay leaves

1 Tbsp. dried parsley

2 tsp. Mrs. Dash

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium-high heat. Add the onions, garlic and celery and sauté for several minutes until vegetables are slightly tender. Add the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Turn down the heat and gently simmer, covered for 40-50 minutes until barley is tender. Serve.

This barley casserole makes an ideal addition for dinner on a cold winter evening.

Barley mushroom casserole

1/4 cup butter

1 onion, large, chopped fine

2 cloves garlic, minced

2-3 cups fresh mushrooms, sliced

1 cup pearl barley

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

2 Tbsp. fresh chopped parsley

3 cups chicken or vegetable broth

Melt the butter in a frying pan. Add the onions, garlic and the mushrooms and sauté for 3 or 4 minutes. Add the barley, salt and pepper, parsley and the broth to the onion mushroom mixture. Pour all into a buttered casserole dish and cover. Bake in a preheated 350°F oven until barley is nearly tender, about 45 minutes; uncover casserole dish and bake until most of the liquid has been absorbed, about 5-10 more minutes.

From the attachment theory camp, one of the leading experts, Susan Johnson, suggests that we need to consider how our partner related to their own caregivers when building friendship. If your partner had a childhood where there was unresponsive, inconsistent, or neglectful care it is possible that they could react in a few ways during conflict. First, they could have a high sensitivity to any negative messages coming from you or facial expressions you make. Adults who were raised in unstable households often misinterpret neutral facial expressions to be negative. Does your partner ask you, “Are you OK?” a lot or believes you are upset when you aren’t? Chances are they have a childhood history that is staying with them. This will make it especially difficult for them to draw upon their positivity bank during times of conflict, so I would recommend you keep it well stocked with love. Your partner may also withdraw from you during times of conflict. Do you have a partner that says, “It’s OK” when it’s not, or “You are right just leave me alone”? Do you notice that your partner lowers their eyes or tries to make themselves look small when you argue? This is a natural flight response that was developed in childhood as a protection mechanism. If I make myself look very small, if I say things that are non-threatening, the scary yelling person will go away, and my nervous system will calm down. Finally, from adults who experienced trauma in their childhood, we see an oscillation between extreme need of their partners to running away. They demand connection and then distance themselves. This is another childhood protection mechanism. The child longs for their parent, as is natural, the parent gives it for a short period of time but then the trauma happens, and the child becomes fearful. Inconsistent and traumatic parenting gives the child the message of, “My caregiver will always be here for me until they aren’t, then they are here for me, then they aren’t”. This develops into an internal dialogue in the adult that, “People who love me won’t always be here for me”.

When relationships are in their infancy stages, intimate friendship is still being built through a series of verbal, non-verbal and emotional exchanges. Couples can have trouble building these early connections with their partners if they have a lot going on in their lives (children, demanding work schedule etc…) and need to make intentional time to connect. If that time isn’t made or they have trouble connecting with one another they don’t develop that secure attachment and begin living their lives more and more in parallel. Friendship in a relationship is not just a shake hands, make a commitment and we are besties forever sort of thing. It’s not reasonable to expect us to maintain the same level of intimacy and friendship with our partners when all we do is exist in a room together. Friendships take work, intimate friendships take even more work because we have expectations that they come naturally. If you put in the work, I promise that you will slowly start to see results and they will be absolutely fantastic.

Delsie Martin (BA, BSW RSW, MSW candidate) is a masters of social work student with the University of Calgary. Anyone who may have feedback on the column or wish to have a question anonymously answered as part of the weekly column may reach Martin at delsiemartin@ trueyoutherapy.ca. Martin’s podcast, The Relationship Review, can be found on Apple, Amazon, Google and Spotify podcast platforms.