Creating shared meaning

JohnGottman, my personal guru of relationship therapy, talks about the importance of shared meaning and honoring goals in your romantic relationships. Shared meaning is the underlying values and ideals that individuals have when it comes to routines and rituals in the relationship. An example of this could be, what level of emotional expression is appropriate when someone is upset. Quite often, individuals in romantic relationships have differing values and ideals about aspects of the marriage. What these values are absolutely matters, but interestingly, what matters more is how these values are discussed and honored in the marriage. Differences in meaning can be more tangible concepts, like the importance of having dinner as a family, or can be more abstract, such as, ‘what is the meaning of love?’

There are three distinct entities in the romantic relationship: Person A, Person B and The Relationship Itself. Persons A and B have their own unique values that they are bringing to the table, but The Romantic Relationship itself can have its own unique set of values that are a hybrid of Persons A and B. I think that it’s important for us to acknowledge that our romantic relationship is not just two people coming together, but it’s also the creation of an entirely separate union with it’s own energy, it’s own rituals and it’s own way of behaving.

Your Listening Ear

Delsie Martin

but often people take the sacrifice of love too literally and give at the neglect of themselves. Studies show that women in particular feel that they are less entitled to pursuing dreams that are outside of the romantic relationship. We have a few roles to fill when considering our partners life dreams and I encourage you to fill whatever role or roles make the most sense for you:

• We are their biggest cheerleader! Even if we don’t have interest in our partner’s interest, what matters most is the interest that we show in their enthusiasm about their interest and actively making space for our partners to pursue their interests

• We are a validator. When times get tough for our partners while they are pursuing their goal, we are here to bear witness to their struggles and to validate and support the emotions they are having around those struggles.

• We are a check and balance. Often, our partners ask us to walk alongside them in their journey to meet a personal goal because they trust us to be rational when they need.

Signing up for a relationship doesn’t mean we sign up for complete agreement with everything our partner does nor does it mean that we don’t say something if our partner is doing something harmful

• We are their safe space. At the end of the day, after your partner has gone through a whirlwind of emotion and processes trying to meet their goals, when they are looking for comfort, a place to relax and be their true self, they are coming home to you. You can be their safe space, their space person. This can be a daunting role to fil,l but, if you feel able, it’s so, so vital to the mental well being of your partner and overall well being of the relationship.

Delsie Martin (BA, BSW RSW, MSW candidate) is a masters of social work student with the University of Calgary. Anyone who may have feedback on the column or wish to have a question anonymously answered as part of the weekly column may reach Martin at delsiemartin@ trueyoutherapy.ca. Martin’s podcast, The Relationship Review, can be found on Apple, Amazon, Google and Spotify podcast platforms.

6 medium sweet onions

3 Tbsp. red wine vinegar

3 Tbsp. oil

3 Tbsp. brown sugar

2 tsp. dried rosemary or parsley or Mrs. Dash

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. black pepper

1/4 cup water

Prepare the onions by washing them. Cut a thin slice off the root end to create a flat bottom. Cut as little as you possibly can. Cut the tops off of each onion, but leave most of the skins on the onion. Use a paring knife to cut a 1 inch deep cone into the top of the onion. Transfer the onions to a baking dish where they will fit fairly snugly. In a small bowl, whisk together the vinegar, oil, sugar, rosemary, salt and pepper and then fill the one inch cones with this mixture. Pour the water in the bottom of the baking dish.

In a preheated 350°F oven bake covered for 30 minutes. Uncover and bake for another 25-35 minutes or until the onions are tender. You can use a knife to see if they are done to your liking. Remove outer skins before serving. This goes well with any meat dish.

Creating shared meaning is also about honoring your partners life goals. Did you or your partner have the chance to pursue an interest or a goal that is completely autonomous of the relationship? Was their anything you feel you may have had to sacrifice for the relationship? Sacrificing for love is absolutely normal and is needed to an extent,

Monday, March 20th, at 7pm Will