Reading your partner

When you’ve spent a considerable amount of time with your intimate partner, you get to know how to read them. You can tell when they are stressed, relaxed or genuinely excited about something. Some of us are blessed with the gift of being empaths where we are naturally in tune with people’s energies and can pick up the energy of our loved one just by entering the room. For lots of people though, understanding how their partner is really feeling is like a giant puzzle. This is especially problematic when you have a partner who doesn’t share a lot. Today, I want to go through some basic tells that you can look for in your partner to give you an indication of how they are feeling or at least a place to start for you to ask more. Please know that these tells are not the same for everyone and are highly cultural so take what serves you from this article with the knowledge that this article is written from a western lens.

Does your partner’s body language match the words that they are saying? As an example: Someone might be saying, “Everything is fine” while their body language is closed. What this means is that their eyes are lowered, arms crossed, head down or making themself seem small. Creating this smallness with your body is an unconscious defense mechanism your body uses to appear less threatening and noticeable. If your partner is doing this, they might be fearful of you or the consequences of speaking or may be sending a strong message that they need to be alone. You could point out what you are noticing to encourage them to talk further, “You

Your Listening Ear

Delsie Martin

are saying you’re fine, but your eyes are down, your arms are crossed and you don’t seem OK”. People also use body language to make themselves feel more powerful in conversations. Some individuals will puff up their chests, stand taller, make more intense eye contact, make wide body movements and a loud voice. This gives them a larger presence in the conversation space, both physically and emotionally. This is a strategy often used by abusers in domestically violent relationships.

Other non-verbals that can indicate certain emotions in your partner are:

• For anxiety: Hand wringing, toe tapping, fidgeting, pacing, rapid breathing, eyes moving rapidly around, flushed face

• For anger or frustration: Sighing, pacing (as a regulation strategy for anger), red face, sweating, clenched fists, chest puffs outward

• For sadness: Monotone voice, slowed speech, red eyes, slumped posture, slow walking pace.

There are undoubtedly some things that can affect your ability to read your partner like, those with insecure attachment styles or struggling with anxiety/ depression will read neutral body language as being negative. No matter how well you try and figure out your partner, the best way to know them is to ask them. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner clarifying questions about how they are feeling. A fun habit to build to emotionally connect with your partner is saying, “How are you today” and when your partner gives the inevitable unhelpful answer of “fine” see if you can get them to tell you more by projecting interest in their internal self and asking clarifying questions.

Delsie Martin (BA, BSW RSW, MSW candidate) is a masters of social work student with the University of Calgary. Anyone who may have feedback on the column or wish to have a question anonymously answered as part of the weekly column may reach Martin at delsiemartin@ trueyoutherapy.ca. Martin’s podcast, The Relationship Review, can be found on Apple, Amazon, Google and Spotify podcast platforms.

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