Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Four

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 4

f

f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

f

f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17.

That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge.

Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my observations, feelings and experiences.

Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down.

I thought about excluding certain poems that were not well written, were too personal or revealing or that talked about my youthful indiscretions but decided to include them for completeness which I hope any readers will take into account.

Although not completely satisfied with the quality of many of the poems I had to make the decision to stop making revisions and edits as a matter of practicality.

Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th comprises an anthology of selected poems.

The poems in this volume go up through 2014. Those written after 2014 are included in subsequent volumes. The poems are presented roughly in the order that were most favored for their poetic style, subject matter or personal meaning to me.

I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

f Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1. The Smell Of Pain In The Air 2. Gossiping 3. Are Things Ending Up The Way They Started?

4. I Lost My Leg 5. He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower 6. Mass Murder In The Woods 7. Taking The Long Way Home 8. They Are Her Children 9. Beating The Apocalypse 10. Why Was It That I Never Thought Of That?

11. Just Barely 12. Just When I Thought… 13. They Say A Lot Of Things 14. Every Decision Is A Torture 15. Sorry About That, Little Spider 16. Are The Birds Telling Me Something?

17. Amenities 18. Tomorrow Will Just Have To Wait 19. I Shall Accept Death Whenever It Calls 20. The Past Drags Along Behind Me 21. I May Not Be Around To See It For Myself 22. My Image Of Retirement (On My Uncle Arthur) 23. Reptilian Eyes 24. When I See Those Wooden Louvered Shutters 25. The Howling Wind 26. Not Because Of Me? 27. He Made Himself A Drink To Take Upstairs 28. Would It Be Enough?

29. Impressions (To Judy At Christmas Time) 30. Life Was Good 31. The Death Of A Little Bug 32. Kindness Or Just A Cruel Trick?

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The Pepsi Top Lord, This Isn’t For Me Will He Run Out Of Time Or Ink? What’s Said Is Said They Learn Too Soon Where One Has No Friends The Blind Man Washing Windows They’re There Pretending To Be Asleep What Is In The Eyes?

Time Is Not A Simple Clock A Contrasting View Those Of Lower Hue Will Share The Guilty Ones Accuse Unraveling The String Of Life Long Remains The Thought (To Gwen) One Eccentric The Sable Hours Relativity Rules The Ocean Of The Mind Boxes On Boxes – Architecture’s Dead The Allegory Of A Bird Tender Fingers (To Gwen) The Check Against Despair The Dream (To Gwen) Vulture Food If I Never Did Have You (To Gwen) Always To The Future My Imaginary Fleet On A Rainy February Morn Heavy Undercurrents Of Mood Give Release To Me On Man’s Position A Fallen Snow And Winter Trees On Experience Melancholy And Depression A Dance Of Wind And Rain Can You Love Me − Such A Broken Thing?

(To Gwen) 72. Someday My Death?

73. The Heart Assigns Its Own Composure

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A Gradual Depression I Wait For Your Return (To Gwen) Trust Truth I Lie Amidst The Silence Of My Room This Cannot Be Our Last (To Bich-Thuy) A Premonition (To Judy) Buyer Beware Irrelevant To Love Ribbons Of Light Broken Promises Just Before Dawn They Become Our Classics Timing Is Everything The Devil’s Workshop The Good Old Days Of Retirement Letting Sleeping Dogs Lie Your Demons When You’re A Worry-Wart Givers And Takers And Dual Personalities Riding It Out At Anchor Fast Forward My Innards Twist To No One Devouring Worms My Heart Is Sore (To Carol Lee Johnson) Carol, What Holds Your Letter?

(To Carol Lee Johnson) The Night Drapes Around Me Blindness A Cinderella New York City Bar Girl Too Much Of A Dream The Subways She’s Been The Saddest Heartbreak Of My Life (On Thuy) In The Deep Of A Bar In Thailand He Made Himself Some Memories Moonlight By The Bed The Lure Of Melancholy The Fruit Fly Tragedy Death By Torture Getting Through The ‘90s Look Out For The Hand Not Showing

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Reading Shakespeare Tonight A Chance To Be A Hero My Music Room Sleep Deprived − On And On It Goes It Would Have Been A Very Different Story How Naïve Keep Up Your Vigilance He’s Just A Little Different Do Not Delay Your Planting Pain Adds Weight And Weight Adds Pain My Compensating Investments Ready Yourselves, You Soldiers Brave Earthquake Only Half A Friend (On Tom Carroll) If I Could Trade My Personality I’m A Country Boy From Brooklyn My Life Is An Ice Core *****

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Poems of Neil Michelsen

f

y The Smell Of Pain In The Air 3-26-2010 We can sense a lot of things before they actually occur. _____ 1.

Your joints begin to ache When it’s going to rain.

2.

You can hear a hush come over everything Just before it snows.

3.

You can somehow sense When danger’s close at hand.

4.

You often have a premonition Before something actually happens.

5.

And when your heart’s about to break There’s an unmistakable smell of pain in the air. *****

1

y Gossiping 4-12-2010 Inspired by the movie “Doubt.” _____ 1.

A woman made her confession to a priest, “Father forgive me for I have sinned As I’ve been gossiping.”

Then she asked, “Father, how bad is the sin of gossiping?”

“It’s a very bad sin”, the priest replied, “Which I will demonstrate through your penance.”

2.

The priest then told the woman, “First, I want you to go home Take a pillow up to the roof of your house, Cut it open with a knife, Empty out all the feathers And then come back to me.”

2

3.

The woman did exactly what she was told And came back to the priest.

“Did you do what I asked you to do?”, the priest inquired?

“Yes I did, Father”, she replied, “Am I now forgiven?”

“Not so fast”, the priest shot back.

“Now, I want you go back and collect all those feathers And put them back in the pillow.”

4.

“That’s impossible”, the woman replied, “They’ve all been scattered by the wind And are now everywhere!”

“Yes indeed”, the priest replied, “And that’s how bad gossiping is!” *****

3

y Are Things Ending Up The Way They Started?

(A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?)

4-17-2010 Fearing that I might end my life as it started. _____ 1.

In the early years of my life I was a soul tormented.

I was an open wound sensitive to the touch.

I was a closed system not trusting anyone or anything.

I was a rock-hard bud that refused to open Despite the urgings of the sun.

2.

Then, in my late teens and early twenties Things began to change.

My life got better And that rock-hard bud began to open.

With a new-found confidence in myself I finally had a life that I didn’t have before.

I finally began to trust the sun And walk in the warmth of its light.

4

3.

This new life of mine Continued for almost 40 years.

But all the while I carried a fear in the back of my mind, An unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, And an anxiousness in my heart That someday things might revert to the way they started out And I’d be taken hostage again − Hostage to myself.

4.

Then in my late fifties and early sixties My worries came to fruition When I began to feel myself Withdrawing again − When I began to feel The gravity in the center of my soul Pulling me back into myself − When I began to feel like I used to feel − When I began to feel Afraid again.

5.

While the fact that I’d lost my career momentum Had a great deal to do with it I felt that it might be more than that − That I was somehow being dragged back To that prison cell From which I had escaped in my youth − That I hadn’t ever really been free But rather only a fugitive on the run.

5

6.

Am I destined to end to my life The same sad way it began?

Am I destined One way or the other To serve out the rest of my original sentence.

Has Destiny given me the evil eye?

Has Fate put a curse on me?

Or is it all something home-grown And manufactured within myself?

Or is it just something in my genes?

Is it all some self-fulfilling prophecy? − A malady I failed to shed and harbored all these years? − A fatal attraction that had finally made its move And turned on me?

7.

Is the ending to my life Being planned by Fate, Destiny or myself To be a sad one Just as it was in the beginning?

8.

Is the whole of my life Like a dissonant symphony That having begun on a sour note It must end on one For balance and symmetry?

9.

Is my life destined to end The same way it began? *****

6

y I Lost My Leg (On The Battle Field) 5-9-2010 The physical and the mental horrors of war. _____ 1.

I was just a boy And anxious to join the war Not only “for the cause” But also for the glory and adventure That young men sometimes seek to “prove" themselves.

2.

I never thought it through − About what war was really all about − Until I got into it And learned more than I ever wanted to learn.

3.

It was easy getting into the war.

It was also easy getting out of it For all you had to do, for example Was to leave your leg behind On a muddy battle field − Which is exactly what I did.

7

4.

As they dragged me away I remember seeing my leg Lying there in the distance.

They were just going to leave it there! – My own leg!

5.

I remember reaching out for it As if I had a chance of retrieving it.

I reached for it As if it were a dying foxhole buddy of mine That I just couldn’t leave behind.

6.

I couldn’t just leave it there, for god’s sake For it was my leg That used to be a part of me.

I couldn’t leave it there Because without it I wouldn’t be a whole person anymore – I wouldn’t be “me.”

I remember desperately reaching out for it Just before I lost consciousness.

7.

Although it’s been a long time now Since the war ended And I’ve been fitted with an artificial leg My limp is a constant reminder That I’m a partially artificial and manufactured person − And not completely human.

8

8.

I’m often asked, “What happened to your leg?”

But I avoid giving a complete or direct answer For I don’t even know the full answer myself As it’s very complicated And goes beyond what just happened on the battle field And something I really don’t want to get into.

So I usually just say, “It’s from a freak accident.”

9.

I’m short and vague with my answers Firstly, Because those who are asking Are primarily asking To satisfy their morbid curiosity.

Secondly, Because they’ll never fully understand Or identify with my story.

Thirdly, Because it’s painful to relive the war And what actually happened to my leg.

And finally And most importantly Is that I don’t want to be reminded That I’m not a whole person anymore But rather just some kind of freak.

9

10.

When I think about it My feelings get all confused Swinging one way then the other.

Sometimes I’m reconciled to it − And sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I’m bitter about it − And sometimes I’m not.

But to say the least Although my leg’s No longer on my body It’s always on my mind. *****

10

y He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower 5-10-2010 A compliment that lasted her a lifetime. _____ 1.

He called me his “little mountain flower.”

And when he did I actually saw myself As a little golden flower In a field of grass High up on a mountain side On a bright and sunny day Gently swaying in a warm summer breeze.

2.

No one ever called me anything as beautiful As a little mountain flower And I took that image of myself Deep into my heart.

3.

Although he’s gone now I still hold that image of myself − The image that he gave me When he called me His little mountain flower. *****

11

y Mass Murder In The Woods 6-13-2010 The brutality of this world. _____ 1.

As I was driving down River Road with Kerry I pointed to the woods on either side of us And commented, “How beautiful and peaceful it is, isn’t it?”

2.

But as soon as I said it I realized What I’ve realized many times before That behind that beautiful veneer And within those peaceful looking woods − In the air, In the trees and bushes, On the ground, And under the ground − Millions of creatures Are stalking other creatures And millions of murders Are taking place.

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3.

Day in and day out Every second of every minute Blatant murders are being committed Recasting those woods From being beautiful and peaceful Into killing fields.

4.

And as for us Even as the civilized beings we think we are When you think about it We too are committing millions of murders If not directly ourselves Then by those who are committing them for us.

5.

Mass murders are being perpetrated In the woods, the sea and in the air.

In all the slaughter houses and fisheries All around the world Mass murders are being committed Against defenseless cattle, swine, fish and chicken In order to fill our stores and restaurants With their filleted corpses That will provide us with An uninterrupted supply of food.

Mass murders are taking place Everywhere and all the time On our behalf.

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6.

When you pierce the veil Of the feigned sophistication and humanity That we stand behind You’ll see just who and what we really are − And that we’re not much different Than the brutal beasts We like to separate ourselves from As we too are killers just like they are − Brutally killing living beings All day and all night.

7.

While I don’t attach any blame or guilt to it And recognize That it’s just the brutal system we’re in I can’t help but feel Saddened and disheartened by it all But more so Mystified as to why A supposedly omnipotent and benevolent Creator Would have chosen to create such a brutal system When He had all the power To make it otherwise. *****

14

y Taking The Long Way Home 7-24-2010 Desperate to resolve a problem. _____ 1.

I’ve got to solve this problem That’s been weighing heavy on my mind For I just can’t carry it anymore.

2.

I’ve got to put this fire out That’s been burning in my head And not take it home with me again.

3.

I’ve got to find the answer To my dilemma That’s got me almost split in two.

4.

I’ve got to solve this puzzle That just won’t give me any rest.

5.

I’ve got to relieve the pressure That’s been building up inside of me.

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6.

So tonight I’m taking the long way home To give myself the time I need To think things through And hopefully slip the knot That’s been strangling me.

7.

I’ve got to lay this burden down That’s been so heavy on my heart.

8.

I’ve got to find the answer To what’s been bothering me And I’m hoping that I’ll find it tonight Somewhere on the long way home.

9.

I’m hoping that tonight Somewhere along the way − Somewhere on the long way home − It’ll come to me And I’ll find the answer To this trouble in my head. *****

16

y They Are Her Children 8-23-2010 Her plants are her children and her immortality. _____ 1.

The little bushes that she planted were her babies.

She didn’t know it when she planted them But she came to know it later on.

2.

She nurtured them, Pruned and fed them And prayed for them.

3.

With every year that passed They grew in height and strength.

And with every year Their bond grew stronger Until they were inseparable.

4.

They were her children − Each and every one of them − And she, like any parent Always worried For their safety and well being.

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5.

And even when they became Overgrown and ugly She couldn’t see them As anything but beautiful.

6.

She feed and pruned them delicately To make sure they were in the best of health.

And transplanted some of them To save their lives.

7.

And no matter how misfit Or unruly they became She couldn’t bear the thought Of replacing them For how could a parent Replace any of her children.

8.

Although she’s old and weak now And in her final days Her children are as healthy as ever And still seem to her To be ageless And without any imperfections.

9.

And as she nears her death She still worries about them And how they’ll fare After she’s gone.

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10.

Her last and final wish Is that when she passes on She’ll be buried close to them So she could rest more easily Knowing they are near.

11.

Just as she had nourished them in life She’ll nourish them in death.

Her death and their survival Will be both her sacrifice and her legacy And through them and their survival She’ll have a little taste Of immortality. *****

19

y Beating The Apocalypse 9-3-2010 Pre-empting the inevitable. _____ 1.

I smell something in the wind.

I feel a rumbling under my feet.

I feel a change of pressure in the air.

I have butterflies in my stomach.

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

I feel a trembling in my soul.

I sense something horrible and inevitable is coming − I sense the apocalypse is near.

2.

I don’t know exactly How or when it’s coming Or what form it will take But I know it’s coming.

3.

Will it come from something external Or internal?

Will it be an explosion Or an implosion?

Will it be delivered by a stranger or a friend Or by my own hand?

I don’t know from what or where it’ll come But I know it’s coming.

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4.

Will it be something that consumes the world And me included?

Or will it only target me Specifically?

5.

I’ve got to get ahead of the wave Before it breaks.

I’ve got to beat it to the punch.

6.

I’ve got to get out of Life Before Life is taken out of me.

7.

I want to leave this world On my own terms And not on those of someone Or something else.

8.

The apocalypse is coming And I want to pre-empt its inevitable strike Even if it means sacrificing my own life For I’d rather burn down the city Than give it up to the enemy.

9.

I’ve got to beat the apocalypse Before it comes. *****

21

y Why Was It That I Never Thought Of That?

9-9-2010 Blind love. _____ 1.

I always thought That she was just a little shy.

I always thought That I just shouldn’t rush her.

I always thought That she was just a bit confused About my intentions Or overwhelmed By my advances.

2.

But I never thought That behind it all − Behind all her repeated hesitations − Was the possibility That she just didn’t love me.

Why was it That I never thought of that?

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3.

Why was it That I only thought That it was just the quirkiness of love And the way love is sometimes And that underneath it all She loved me.

Why was it that I never thought That it might have been something else Other than love?

4.

Why was it That I only saw That pretty little garden outside my window And never noticed The vast and desolate desert surrounding it?

5.

Why was it That I only believed That I was seeing an oasis And never thought That it might only be a mirage?

6.

Why was it That I chose to look so obediently Into the hypnotist’s eyes And let myself Fall so deeply under her spell?

23

7.

Why was it That I was only thinking it was love And not That it might not be love At all? *****

24

y Just Barely (The Story Of School, The Navy And My Career) 9-22-2010 The high price of even marginal success. _____ 1.

Last night I dreamed That I was running down the track Trying to catch a train that had just pulled out And that I so much wanted to be on.

And while I made the train − I made it, just barely.

2.

I’m always having dreams like this − Dreams about trying to reach for things That were always pulling themselves away from me Or being put just beyond my natural reach Requiring me to run, push or struggle to get them.

In every dream And every actual event in my life While I’d make it I’d make it only after an extraordinary effort − And then, just barely.

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3.

For example with respect to college I got accepted into the better school that I wanted But it was only after they had to make An exception to their standards.

This was to become the pattern in my life Where I’d make it − But always, just barely.

4.

And as for studying I always had to put in long hours Just to achieve a marginal understanding.

And as for the exams I took I barely finished them in time − Always having to sweat it out to the very end And never being confident about how I did.

And when the results came in They were always borderline.

Oh if only once I could have seen myself at the top of the list And celebrated Rather than merely feeling relieved Not to have failed − But only passed, and just barely.

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5.

Getting into the Naval Officers Program Wasn’t easy either For I just made the deadline And its minimum requirements.

And all the while I was in the program I was miserable For I was almost failing academically And more so nearly failing emotionally For I felt so inferior When I compared myself to the others − Which was something I was always doing.

I remember several times Standing outside the Captain’s Office Rehearsing what I was going to say As I resigned.

But in the end though I stuck it out and didn’t resign And became the officer that I wanted to be − But, just barely.

27

6.

After serving 4 years in the Navy I joined the prestigious public accounting firm Of Peat Marwick Mitchell Where I was overwhelmed By all the complex accounting concepts I had to master.

I remember having to leave the room That the team was working in To try and calm my panic And think things through by myself For I couldn’t let them see Just how much I was struggling.

I also remember leaving the building sometimes And walking around the block Taking slow and deep breaths and talking to myself To try and compose myself for another go at it.

One time, the only place I found That was private enough for me to collect myself Was in a dingy stall in one of the men’s rooms!

Just like in the Navy, I debated quitting And getting into a less demanding career And one that would save me from The risk and embarrassment of washing out.

So many times I had to pit my pride against my despair Which so often fought themselves To a bloody and exhausting draw.

Ultimately through After a lot of head-cracking and soul-searching I gained the minimum understanding that I needed And rallied just enough courage and determination To keep my nose above water and survive − But, just barely.

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7.

I also remember having to take the CPA exam Over and over again Right up to the time the firm warned me That I had no more time left And was on the brink Of being held back from promotion Or even being fired.

But at the 11th hour − At the moment of extremis − I passed the last part of that grueling four-part exam And became the CPA that I wanted to be − But again, it was just barely.

8.

I also remember always having to bring A lot of work home with me − Work that I couldn’t get finished in the office And that I had to work on at night and on the week-ends While the others enjoyed their free time off.

But, by putting in Extraordinary amounts of time and effort I managed to keep up with the work and the job − But as usual, it was always, just barely.

29

9.

I remember as well In order to be considered For partnership in the U.S. firm I had to go to Brazil for 4 years As a Brazilian partner.

I couldn’t become a U.S. partner the normal way As most others did But rather I had to make that additional sacrifice And pay the dues that others didn’t have to pay.

I had to make an end-run And come in through the back door.

And even after that When I was due to come back from Brazil There were those Who were hesitant to vote me in.

Finally though In a split vote I was admitted And became the U.S. partner That I wanted to be − But it was again, just barely.

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10.

And even as a U.S. partner I was only given the smaller clients − Those that in some respects no one else wanted.

It seemed that I wasn’t regarded or trusted enough To handle some of the larger and more prestigious clients.

But I swallowed my pride, Took on my assigned clients with enthusiasm, And glad just to be a member of the club.

Even though I was only a second class member I was satisfied in knowing that I was a partner And had a portfolio of clients of my own.

I coped with that compromising And subordinate partner position for 11 years − But, just barely.

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11.

Never content to stay in my comfort zone I’ve always tried to reach and stretch a little further − A little beyond my natural talents − And in doing so I’m sure that stretch was obvious to many.

But no matter how awkward or strained it looked I had to do it − I had to prove to them and to myself That despite the odds and the toll it took on me I could stay in the ring.

I had to show them That I could survive in their world.

I wanted to make those who bet against me Lose all the bets they made.

On the outside I might have seemed confident and determined But on the inside I was always second-guessing myself As to whether all the angst and effort was worth it − Was worth the steep and personal price That I was paying for my modicum of success.

I was always debating whether all the time That I had to put into it Compared to all the emotional energy That it took out of me Was really worth it.

I managed to win that debate within myself − But, just barely.

32

12.

All my life I’ve had to put in extraordinary efforts To get moderate results.

All my life I strived for the best But had to settle for second best: A junior membership in that exclusive club, An equivalency certificate in lieu of a full diploma, Standing room at the grand opera, A basement apartment in that prestigious building, A second hand invitation to the gala event, And the consolation prize in the raffle.

All my life I’ve had to chase and sweat for what I got While so many of my peers Were able to stay relatively cool and dry And have it come to them.

I’ll always remember What my grandmother Hackett said to me, “Strike for the top, Neil and maybe you’ll hit the middle.”

Fortunately and persistently I followed her advice And was able to achieve a lot of my goals.

I was able to get on That ladder of achievement and success Even if it was only on the bottom rung − And only, just barely.

33

13.

All my life I’ve had to try and ignore The thrusts and barbs of my critics But more so Those of my own self-criticism.

All my life I’ve had to ignore the snide remarks That I sometimes overheard.

And all my life I’ve had to fight my constant inclinations To give up And take an easier and less challenging road And counter them by telling myself, “No, you can’t give up, you’ve got your pride.”

All my life I’ve had to scare myself With the threat of the self-humiliation, Of not being able to stay the course, And being labeled a failure − Especially by myself.

And all my life Whenever I’ve failed at something Or even lost my job I’ve had to swallow my pride And rise above my embarrassment and shame And fight my way back − But it had always been, just barely.

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14.

All my life I’ve been running down the track Trying to catch that train that I wanted to be on Knowing that it would take me to a better place Both in the world and in my head And avoid the crushing feeling I’d have Knowing that I didn’t make it.

All my life I’ve been running down the track Trying to catch some train And while I usually caught it − It was always, just barely. *****

35

y

Just When I Thought‌ 2-25-2011 Nothing in life is for sure, or lasts. _____ 1.

Just when I thought my taxes were all paid up I get audited and assessed some more.

2.

Just when I thought I solved my drainage problem The cellar floods again.

3.

Just when I thought I had enough money in the bank My check bounces.

4.

Just after losing some weight I put it all back.

5.

Just when I thought that everything was settled The argument flares up again.

6.

Just when I get a smile out of Life It goes and sticks its tongue out at me.

36

7.

Just when I thought I had found the perfect girl She up and leaves me for another.

8.

Just when I thought I’d gotten my life together It falls apart at the seams.

9.

Just when I’m about to put the last card on My house of cards comes tumbling down.

10.

Just when I thought the sun was out to stay The clouds roll in and it starts to rain.

11.

Just when I thought that Life was getting easier It turns ornery just for spite.

12.

Just when I finally got everyone together For a family snapshot Someone moves right before I take it.

13.

For the sake of my sanity I’ve got to stop thinking That the world will cooperate with me For as soon as I do It goes and shows me otherwise. *****

37

y They Say A Lot of Things 2-28-2011 Coming out of a crisis doesn’t always make you stronger. _____ 1.

“They” say That when you go through a crisis You come out tougher And more prepared for the next one.

And that when your heart breaks It becomes even stronger than before.

2.

They say a lot of things, don’t they? − But a lot of things they say Just aren’t true For in reality You often don’t come out Stronger and tougher for it But rather weaker and less secure, More disheartened and suspicious, And sometimes even downright paranoid.

38

3.

Yes, these talking heads all say That crises will make you stronger: That when you lose a loved one or your job − That when you’re down and out And have to scrape and beg just to get by − That when you suffer Disappointment after disappointment To the point of despair − You’ll come out stronger and the better for it in the end.

4.

They also say That when you go through a crisis You’ll put yourself back together Better than new.

But that’s not always the case For many times You never get reassembled 100% Because some of your parts Get lost or damaged in the process Making you damaged goods.

In fact Sometimes things turn out so bad That you’re lucky − Or maybe not so lucky − To have survived at all.

39

5.

They say a lot of things, don’t they? − About coming out better and stronger After a crisis, loss or hurt.

But the truth is That sometimes you do And sometimes you don’t And in reality It’s all pretty much of a gamble As to where the dice will fall And how you’ll actually come out − If you come out of it at all. *****

40

y Every Decision Is A Torture 3-1-2011 Decision-making has always been torturous for me. _____ 1.

Every decision I make Is preceded by a long drawn-out process Wherein I torture over all and every alternative And where the alternatives Seem to multiply like rabbits In that one alternative leads to another And another, and another Each one of which adds complexity to the process And more weight on me.

2.

I’ve never had the gift to quickly eliminate The obviously irrelevant and impractical alternatives.

I’ve never had the knack to skillfully separate The wheat from the chaff Or easily pick out the gold from the gravel.

I’ve never had the talent to distinguish and or prioritize Between the important and the unimportant Without a long and arduous effort So I always wind up almost drowning In a churning white-capped sea of endless choices.

41

3.

When I seem to be making progress By eliminating one or two alternatives I immediately replace them with others Leading me right back to where I started With the same amount of things – Or sometimes even more things − That I have to consider.

4.

Every elimination and replacement And every flip-flop that I have to go through Is just another time-consuming, weighty, And torturous strain on me That makes my heart beat faster, My blood pressure rise, And my self-confidence shrink.

5.

Oh how I envy those Who can skillfully weigh all the factors And make quick and accurate decisions.

Oh how I wish that I were just like they And blessed with that gift Of making quick decisions.

6.

Those that have that gift Probably have no idea how lucky they are But they would If they could only see The ordeal that I go through! ***** 42

y Sorry About That, Little Spider 3-16-2011 Sharing space in the world. _____ 1.

I’m sorry little Spider For destroying your little silver web While I was dusting.

I didn’t mean to − It was just that at the time I was only concentrating on my own world And didn’t notice yours Until it was too late.

I just didn’t stop to think About any other world That might intercept with mine.

2.

If I had thought about it a little more − If I wasn’t so focused on my own agenda − I might have been more aware, careful and considerate With respect to yours And not destroyed your little 4 x 4 inch space Behind my dresser.

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3.

Knowing that you’ve always been A quiet and inconspicuous tenant Who never bothered anyone It wouldn’t have been any problem for me To have shared that little space with you For I have so many other corners in the house That are completely free of tenants.

4.

Now I’m worried about The possibly dire consequences That my hasty and unthinking actions Might have caused both you and your family.

I’m worried That you won’t be able to rebuild your web In time to prevent you and your children from starving − So “Sorry about that, little Spider.”

5.

Although I’m truly sorry For my self-centered indiscretion, In my defense, I hope you’ll understand That we’re all unfortunately Part of the same world system And all subject to, and victims of, Its imperfections and unfair laws All of which are geared To a self-centered focus on ourselves and our own priorities And giving only secondary consideration To anyone else’s.

44

6.

In time though I hope that we’ll evolve Into something much more noble Where more consideration of each other Is taken into account Routinely, and as a matter of course.

But having said that I know full well That that won’t happen anytime soon.

7.

So in the meantime The next time that I go about my business I’ll try to think ahead a little bit more About what I do and whom I might affect And not go stomping around Like a blind and clumsy giant Or a bull in a china shop.

8.

But in all honesty I can’t promise you anything With certainty For one day my priorities and human error Might again result In your inadvertent demise.

9.

So until they change the System And the laws that govern it I’m afraid that that’s the way Things might go sometimes.

45

10.

But with respect to my recent oversight I’d like to at least offer you My sincerest apologies, “Sorry about that, little Spider.” *****

46

y Are The Birds Telling Me Something?

4-7-2011 Possibly reading into things. _____ 1.

Why are all the birds flocking around me?

Are they coming over to say their good-byes?

Do they know something That I don’t know?

2.

I can’t tell exactly Why they’re flocking around Or what they might be telling me But I think they must be telling me something.

3.

Might they be telling me Of some good fortune coming to me Or of some impending and disappointing fate?

4.

I’ve got to try my best To decode the signs they might be giving me.

I’ve got to concentrate And think outside the box.

I’ve got to figure things out Before it’s possibly all too late.

47

5.

But on the other hand Maybe it’s nothing at all And I’m just reading into things As I sometimes do.

6.

One way or the other though I’ve got to decide As to what it all means − Or doesn’t mean − As to why the birds Are all flocking around me.

7.

Why is it That I just can’t accept things At their face values But rather always have to look for something That’s behind or underneath them When there may be nothing there at all?

8.

Why do I have to create unnecessary puzzles And then angst over solving them?

Why do I have to create questions That demand answers That may not even exist?

48

9.

Why am I worrying myself About why the birds are all flocking around me And what they might be telling me When in fact It may be all coincidental And they’re not telling me anything At all. *****

49

y Amenities (Manila) 5-7-2011 The four-star hotel in Manila versus the Paniza farm in rural Iloilo. _____ 1.

After a nice meal at the hotel restaurant And sitting on a designer couch In a quiet air-conditioned room Of a four-star hotel in downtown Manila Having a glass of wine for a night cap I felt so comfortable and satisfied Enjoying the good life And all the amenities Of this new and upscale setting Compared to the rustic environment of the farm That I just left Only hours ago.

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2.

On the farm I was sweating and feeling lethargic from the heat, Picking at unappealing food, Deprived of sleep from the incessant all-night drums Of the fiesta in the next town over, And having to listen to the constant day and night cacophonies: Of humming insects, chirping birds And the mating calls of gecko lizards on the walls, Of croaking frogs, squealing pigs, crowing roosters And the grunts of caribou outside my window; And of nocturnal rats scurrying around the rafters And chewing on the electrical wires That one time caused some sparks That lit up the room like lightning.

3.

Meaning no offense to my hosts Being on the farm was like doing time in jail Or being in a POW camp Where all you’d do is think about good food And pray for the day when you’d get out.

4.

Now, away from all the oppressive distractions Of the heat, noise and other discomforts of the farm The poetry just flowed out of me.

It were as though the floodgates had been opened And all the things that had built up inside of me Were now released and unstoppable.

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5.

Each poetic thought I had Was followed by another and another All of which would become The makings of a poem.

It was a beautiful and almost magical-night.

I felt like a King who had returned from exile And was now looking over the kingdom That he’d regained.

6.

Instead of sitting on the edge of a bed Trying to write on a pair of sweaty knees I had a comfortable couch with an armrest And a little coffee table in front of me.

Instead of writing under a dull, unfocused light In the middle of the ceiling I had a lamp with a soft light That shone directly on my writing.

Instead of gulping down a glass of water That I needed to replace my sweat I was leisurely sipping a glass of wine Purely for pleasure.

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7.

On the farm My thoughts were all stopped up And whatever writing did come out Was either warped, disjointed or still-born.

But now, away from the farm And in this sophisticated hotel room I found my health and spirit alive and well again − Born anew with pent-up poetry pouring out of me So much so, that I couldn’t sleep And was up every half hour or so jotting down notes About all the pressing and impatient thoughts That came to me So they wouldn’t die or get away Before I could attend to them.

8.

And when the morning came, I was tired − But it was a happy tired Knowing that in this god-send civilized room I was able to create Pages and pages of notes for future poems Instead of only having that almost-blank And humid sheet of paper I had When I was on that steamy farm Only hours ago. *****

53

y Tomorrow Will Just Have To Wait (Manila) (4 am) 5-8-2011 Writing is the priority. _____ 1.

Here I am, half-way around the world In an upscale hotel room in downtown Manila After a hard 5 days and nights on the farm In the rural inlands of the Philippines.

2.

Now, in comparison to the farm The hotel With all its amenities Is so comfortable and relaxing That the poetry is just flowing out of me Like an unstoppable spring.

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3.

Everywhere I look And everything I think about Becomes a new source of inspiration And generates another subject to write about.

New ideas and thoughts Pop into my head Like Jack in the Boxes Which have me up every half-hour or so Scribbling down notes in the dark That will happily become The makings of some poems.

4.

With my mind racing And my hand trying to keep up with it I’m not getting any sleep.

But I can’t stop now Nor do I want to For I’m in a poetic goldmine − In a soft golden Twilight Zone Of thoughts and images That just keep coming.

5.

Yes, I’ll be exhausted When the morning comes But I’ll just have to catch up on my sleep Some other time.

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6.

So with this bubbling spring of inspiration That I’ve found now Tonight and my writing are all that count − And as for tomorrow and my sleep? − Well They’ll just have to wait. *****

56

y I Shall Accept Death Whenever It Calls (Hong Kong) 5-23-2011 Accepting death. _____ 1.

I shall not shrink away or hide from Death When it comes for me Nor shall I pretend that I don’t hear it When it calls.

2.

I shall not be afraid to look it in the eye When it looks at me.

Nor shall I ask for any additional time In an attempt to delay its bidding.

3.

I shall not think it presumptuous Or question its unannounced arrival.

Nor shall I seek any special indulgence Or haggle over some conceited epitaph.

4.

Rather I shall willingly and humbly yield to it Without delay, question or complaint Whenever it calls. *****

57

y The Past Drags Along Behind Me (Dante’s Rings) (Hong Kong) 5-24-2011 My past is never past. _____ 1.

My Past is like a heavy weight That I drag behind me And, like a ball and chain around my ankle, Its clicking and clacking Is always attracting attention And giving me away.

2.

No amount of My good deeds or intentions today Can ever erase The indelible stains of yesterday.

3.

I wish that I could fly away Like my heart wants me to But I can’t For I’m weighted down With this ball-and-chain Of my trailing Past.

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4.

As I approach Dante’s Rings * I close my eyes and prepare for the worst.

But then The Angles of Purgatory take my hand And gently push me back against The rough and craggy walls And guide me past the Gates of Hell And out of the reach of all the hungry Devils Who are reaching out to take me for themselves. * The nine circles of Hell are in the epic poem “Inferno” written by the 14th century poet Dante Alighieri.

5.

Though I’m resolved to endure Whatever may be my punishment I pray with true contrition That there might be some forgiveness for my sins − Not redemption But just for some forgiveness − For I know full well that some sins Can never be forgiven.

6.

So with bowed head I slowly open one eye And peek at the Angels Who are holding my hand And look for some sign of reassurance That some forgiveness May be possible. *****

59

y I May Not Be Around To See It For Myself 7-10-2011 Observations about my personality. _____ 1.

Why do I look so vulnerable And appear like such an easy target to be picked on?

Why is it that as soon as some people look at me They seem to dislike me?

Why is it that I can’t endear people Or at least generate a more neutral opinion?

Why is it that I always seem to have This negative persona Bolted on to me?

2.

Is it the scowl on my face?

Is it my clumsy personality?

Is it some aura I have around me?

Or is it the fact That I’m just not so comfortable with people Which seems to show Causing them to react accordingly?

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3.

Whatever it is and why it happens Bothers me a lot And is constantly on my mind And often makes me wonder If they’ll ever be Any turning point or relief for me.

And as I wonder I also worry That as time goes on Things might even get worse.

4.

“Why me? Why me?” I ask myself “Why do I have this type of personality That seems to be so controversial to others And so troubling to me?”

I ask myself But never get a satisfactory answer And therefore No peace of mind.

5.

In finding it so difficult To deal with people directly I turn inward and to my writings In the hope that they might indirectly Facilitate a turning point in public opinion And help change my image.

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6.

With that propped-up craving hope I’m trying to get myself to believe That through my writings A different “me” might possibly emerge − A more likeable “me.”

I’m trying to get myself to believe That my writings might have The convincing eloquence That I sometimes don’t have in person.

7.

But there’s a crack of fear In that wishful mirror I’m looking in − The fear that my writings May be just as awkward as my personality And that any new me Might sadly remain buried alive − Unhatched and unable to free itself From its ugly cocoon.

8.

But even if my writings were found To have some redeeming value In re-presenting myself Given the slow motion of time I may pass away Before I ever get the chance To see the results. *****

62

y My Image Of Retirement (On My Uncle Arthur) 8-6-2011 My retirement role model. _____ 1.

I remember my Uncle Arthur After he retired Sitting calm and contented In his comfortable armchair Next to a small book case In the corner of his living room In that little log cabin of his In Mountain Springs, New Jersey Quietly reading his historical novels Under a soft yellowish lamplight While sipping on his pre-made gin martinis Which he made gallons of And always kept at the ready.

2.

He looked so peaceful In that overstuffed armchair of his − As if he were In some kind of serene meditative trance − As if he somehow had achieved Nirvana.

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3.

I remember thinking How wonderfully relaxing retirement must be And locked that image in my head And made my Uncle Arthur My role model As to what retirement Should be all about for me one day.

4.

And now that I’m retired That image has come back to me As a model for my retirement.

5.

But that’s not the way my retirement Is turning out for me so far For I’ve got a million projects underway With a million more in the planning stage Leaving me with little or no time for relaxation And making me wonder If I’ll ever achieve the peaceful retirement That my Uncle Arthur had.

6.

Although I’m very different from my Uncle Arthur He remains my role model for retirement − Having no big list of things to do And living in that seemingly magical Shangri-La world of his Just quietly reading his little dried-out And yellow-edged historical novels And drinking his assembly-line martinis Before he went to bed After which he probably slept like a baby.

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7.

Will I ever be able to get Into the kind of retirement mode That my Uncle Arthur did?

I don’t exactly know But I suspect That it’s highly unlikely.

8.

Unlikely or not − And no matter what the odds are That I’ll ever get there myself − I’m going to keep that serene And unstressed image of retirement Alive and kicking in my head For everyone needs a goal And a role model to help him get there − Like my Uncle Arthur is for me. *****

65

y Reptilian Eyes 8-16-2011 Some people just have no heart or soul. _____ 1.

I looked into his eyes And saw nothing That I recognized as human.

I didn’t see or feel Any heart or soul inside of him.

He was cold and absent of any emotion – Except for hate – Which dominated my senses, Made my hair stand on end, And scared me to my core.

2.

Some people As evil as they may be Have in them some element of humanity − Some hope for salvation − But not him For I saw none of that in him.

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3.

With some people You can find Somewhere in their present make-up Or in their past − Something that accounts for the way they are − Something that you can understand Or sympathize with − But not with him For he was empty And there was nothing like that in him.

4.

He didn’t have a heart Or a soul.

All he had was an empty reptilian stare That burrowed right through my entire being.

5.

He was a mindless vessel of the Devil With nothing inside of him that was human.

He was a clone of Satan himself And a looking glass into Hell That really scared me – Scared me to my core. *****

67

y When I See Those Wooden Louvered Shutters 8-24-2011 Memories of a very scary time in my life. _____ 1.

Whenever I see those white wooden louvered shutters On the insides of our windows I remember With a frightening chill The time when I was sanding and painting them Some 15 years ago.

2.

It was at a terrible point in my life − A time when I fully expected to be arrested On some trumped-up corporate charges Of financial impropriety For having established − Without the official permission of the Board − A pension plan for the senior management of Excel Bank Where I was its Chief Financial Officer.

The bank was owned by one of the Safra family members – Which was a prominent And very wealthy Brazilian and international banking family.

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3.

What I did was not Anything illegal or inappropriate For pension plans are normally set up in all companies And I set one up at Excel With the full knowledge and approval of the President.

But the President never told the Board And when the Board asked about it The President gutlessly And to save his own skin Said it was “all my doing.”

4.

Soon afterwards The President left the bank And soon after that I was fired.

5.

After my leaving the bank A team of lawyers and auditors were hired To conduct an in-depth investigation Of all the bank’s books and records Looking for any impropriety.

My being fired was the first shoe to drop And I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself For the other shoe to drop − When and if they found anything And I might possibly be charged and even arrested.

These were dire days for me And dire nights When I was under constant stress and worry And getting very little sleep.

69

6.

At the time that this was happening I was in the middle of renovating our home And remember working on Some wooden louvered shutters that I had bought.

I remember forcing myself to work on them To avoid collapsing into total depression.

And with every forced stroke of work on them I was thinking that Not only might my professional life be over But that I might even become a convicted felon.

7.

I was so worried about this crisis And its possibly disastrous outcome That whenever I heard a noise outside − Especially one that sounded like a car door closing − I’d jump up and look out the window Expecting to see the police getting out of their cars And coming to arrest me Just like you’d see on the news.

8.

Those wooden louvered shutters were the only things That kept my mind working on something positive And that saved me from despondency And complete withdrawal from the world.

Those wooden louvered shutters Were my little pieces of flotsam That I held onto for dear life To keep myself from drowning.

70

9.

So every time I look at Those white, wooden louvered shutters now I get that same old scary, helpless and depressed feeling That I had in that awful time in my life When I was on the brink of breaking in two.

10.

Although no one knows exactly what I see When I look at those white louvered shutters On the insides of our windows I often wonder If anyone is perceptive enough to notice That unusual far-away look in my eyes And curious enough to ask themselves If there might be more to them Than meets the eye. *****

Post Script The lawyers and auditors ultimately found nothing improper.

But I know that in the corporate world If they want to get you They can and will.

This was a very painful and scary lesson for me About corporate politics. *****

71

y The Howling Wind 8-28-2011 Thoughts during Hurricane “Irene” that ripped through New England. _____ 1.

I’m listening to the howling Wind outside Relentlessly testing all the trees And looking for the most vulnerable ones to fell.

2.

The Wind is constantly shifting direction With unrelenting determination Trying to catch any careless tree That’s even a little off balance So it could either break it in two Or rip it out from its roots.

3.

With its vicious combinations of gusts The Wind knows through experience That it will ultimately catch many trees flat-footed And take them swiftly to the ground And easily make its quota for the storm.

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4.

The Wind and its persistent howling Is like a raiding party of whopping Indians Aimed at striking fear Into the very hearts of those poor trees Who can’t run But only bob and weave To try and dodge the gusts That are being hurled at them And to keep their balance as best they can.

5.

The Wind is a free and nomad bred That scornfully resents these settler trees Who they feel have arrogantly taken up residence And presumptive ownership of the land.

6.

The Wind circles and taunts its victims − First appearing on the left Then on the right Then in front And then behind them − Eventually catching one Then another and another With quick and leveraged gusts That bring them down.

73

7.

The Wind stampedes Through the herd of defenseless trees Picking them off one by one And felling them With loud and heavy cracks and thuds Where only their strength in numbers Will guarantee their survival.

8.

And when the raid is over And the Wind has either satisfied Or exhausted itself It will vanish as quickly as it came − Almost as if it never was And just a bad dream.

9.

But it wasn’t just a bad dream For when these frightened trees compose themselves And feel brave enough to open their eyes They’ll see all their fallen dead Who they’ll mourn And have to watch slowly rot away Serving as a long and painful reminder Of the horror they just endured And the fears of more to come.

74

10.

Recognizing That this is the way of life for them These proud and stately trees Never complain outright But rather Just nervously wait for the next assault Always wondering why the Wind Just won’t leave them alone. *****

75

y Not Because Of Me? 9-15-2011 Not feeling so special anymore. _____ 1.

All the while I thought she loved me For myself − And that despite my failings She wanted to stay with me Just because of me.

2.

But now I’m wondering If it was just a delusion on my part In that that’s the way she was And that’s the way she’d be With anyone And not because of anything To do with me.

76

3.

Where all the while I thought That I was the one who was special to her − Special enough To have her want to stay with me − It might have actually been That she was the one who was special And that her decision to stay with me Had more to do with her Than anything to do with me. *****

77

y He Made Himself A Drink To Take Upstairs 9-15-2011 Alone and waiting for answers. _____ 1.

He said, “Good night” and went upstairs to bed But sometime later he came down again And made himself a drink Which he brought back upstairs with him For tonight He somehow had to have a drink by himself − Away from the others − Before he went to sleep.

2.

Staring off into the corner of his empty room He saw nothing − Nothing but the ambient light surrounding him Which was just the way he wanted it.

3.

Sometimes he liked being alone And sometimes he didn’t For both had their advantages And their disadvantages.

Back and forth he engaged in this debate Never settling on anything.

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4.

There, to his right, he saw his bed On which he had ceremoniously Turned down the covers.

So there it was – Ready and waiting for him Like a mistress − Whenever he wanted her.

5.

Staring off into space He saw nothing.

But in his mind He saw so many things Racing through it But they were all a blur And too blurry To make much of anything out of them.

6.

He shared everything with his drink − All his secrets and all his worries.

And without a spoken word He asked it all his pressing questions And stared at it Waiting for an answer As if it were a crystal ball – As if it were an oracle.

79

7.

Although his drink wasn’t all that helpful In providing him with any answers to his questions It was at least his faithful companion And kept him company so he wasn’t alone.

8.

And as he sat there With his now half-empty glass He waited for something to appear − Either out of the darkness of the room Or the obscurity of his mind − Waiting for some revelation Or some awakening.

But nothing came Just like always.

9.

It was just he and his drink Looking at each other In the Dark and Silence of his room With each one waiting for the other to speak.

10.

But just like always Neither one could offer anything.

So just like always The turmoil in his heart never calmed And the silence of the room Remained undisturbed And deafening. *****

80

y Would It Be Enough?

9-15-2011 Some ironic elements of married life. _____ 1.

She reached over to him But he subtly withdrew.

2.

He wished that he could give her More of what she wanted − More of what she was reaching for − For both her sake and for his.

But he couldn’t And that was the shame And the heartbreak of it all.

3.

As subtly as he tried to mask his withdrawal She knew it for what it was.

But what she didn’t know Was that in his heart He was trying to respond But, for whatever reason, couldn’t.

Would she one day come to understand this?

And if so Would it be enough – and in time?

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4.

It’s strange how married couples Become closer and more intimate In some ways But yet more distant and remote In other ways.

5.

It’s also strange That the more you know someone And the longer you’ve been together The more secrets you sometimes develop And the more private and secretive You often become.

6.

It seems that for every advance in life There’s an offsetting retreat; For every intimacy you share There’s one you hide; And for every door you open You close another.

7.

She reached over to him Hoping that he’d respond.

He tried to, but couldn’t, and withdrew.

He hoped though That somehow she’d understand − But even if she did Would it be enough – And would it be in time? ***** 82

y Impressions (To Judy At Christmas Time) 12-28-1961 Judy liked me more than I liked her but there were times when I was attracted to her which prompted this verse. _____ As I stroked her lovely brunette hair While she lay there On my lap, and where I saw the purity of her inner core − A purity that I hadn’t so much noticed before. *****

83

y Life Was Good 9-15-2011 A little disappointing career history. _____ 1.

In my childhood, teens and early twenties And before I joined the Navy I lacked confidence and self esteem And would sometimes get depressed about it Feeling that Life had little promise of any change.

That was my outlook on Life back then.

2.

But in the Navy After a rough start Things started to change for the better: I had more independence, Responsibility, And confidence.

84

3.

The best though came When I joined the public accounting firm Of Peat Marwick Mitchell And rose through the ranks And ultimately became a partner.

This was the happiest time of my life For I finally felt that I had broken free Of the cast that I was born into And was now truly my own person With a career as a professional, A portfolio of clients, And a great deal of responsibility.

4.

Working with my clients And members of the firm Gave me ready access To a fertile pool of professionals From which I developed strong relationships and friends Which had always been difficult for me to do.

In this new environment I was able to cast off − Or at least put aside − The old image I had of myself and Life And my former inclination To be somewhat of a loner.

For the first time in my life I could say, “Life was good.”

85

5.

But then After 17 years with the firm I was let go.

And although I was able to break my fall By becoming a partner in Coopers & Lybrand Which was another prestigious public accounting firm I knew that things had changed – That I had slipped – And once you slip in business You usually never recover For once you lose your momentum You go into a slow and steady downward spiral As predictable as mathematics.

6.

Then 5 years later I was let go again.

But soon thereafter I was offered a position in Deloitte & Touche − Another major accounting firm − To be the partner-in-charge Of their Eastern European Banking Practice, in Prague.

It was another chance to regain my position In the business and profession I loved − And my last chance.

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7.

But because Vi was worried That while I was abroad She wouldn’t be able to cope With both The renovation of the house That we just bought in Connecticut And the raising our children Who were still very young I sadly had to turn it down.

It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make For it meant that I’d no longer be A partner and a “professional” But rather only a corporate “employee” Which heralded Much less satisfying times ahead for me − I knew it in my head And I could feel it in my heart.

8.

And that feeling I had came true For although I became an officer in a number corporations I never had the same status Or felt the same sense of job satisfaction That I had working as a partner in public accounting.

Rather, I felt that I was only an accountant And not a true professional.

In my heart and soul I felt that I had lost The prestige and self-esteem that I had cherished And that made me feel so alive and full inside.

My career as a professional Was over.

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9.

Compared to public accounting Private accounting was a sterile environment And so much less conducive to meeting people And making professional friends.

Accordingly, I could quickly see and feel myself Becoming more and more The socially withdrawn person that I was before.

10.

And while I was working in private accounting I was also let go a number of times Due to the economy, consolidation, politics or whatever.

While I was able to get other jobs Each succeeding one Paid less and was less prestigious than the former one Which didn’t help my self-esteem Or my confidence.

I was gradually moving back Into the somber and melancholy shadows That I had come from In the earlier stages of my life.

11.

Although married With a good family and a decent job Professionally I felt empty inside And every morning when I woke up I heard these disappointing words Echoing in my ears, “Life is not good.”

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12.

Since it’s now so late in my career There’s no hope That I’ll ever find a job As good as the one I had loved and lost − That I’ll ever find that “perfect” job again And feel as professionally full As when I was a partner in public accounting And where I’d be able to say once again, “Life is good.” *****

89

y The Death Of A Little Bug 9-18-2011 The cruelty of life. _____ 1.

When I was shaving this morning I caught a glimpse of something Out of the corner of my eye.

It was a little black bug Being washed down the drain By a cyclonic swirl of water.

2.

As soon as I saw it I panicked And made a reflexive attempt to save it.

But it was too late.

3.

In empathy I identified with that little bug − That tiny little life-form With legs, heart and lungs Just like me − Suffering an innocent but horrible fate Just for being In the wrong place At the wrong time.

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4.

I turned the water off and stood over the sink Looking into the drain And listening for any sound or sign of life.

At times I thought I heard something But it was only my guilty conscience.

5.

I remained there for a while Hoping that at any moment I might see that little thing emerge And struggle over the rim of the drain − But it never did, and so, I moved on with my life Wondering and asking myself Why the world has to be so cruel and unforgiving Where things like this are always happening?

6.

Upon thinking a little more about what had happened My thoughts festered Into a sort of mild and frustrated anger Causing me to raise my eyes to Heaven – Assuming it existed − And pose a number of pointed questions: 7.

“What kind of a Creator Would make such a world as this? − A world that was not only imperfect But that almost seemed designed To be unfair and purposely cruel?”

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8.

“What kind of a Creator Would have rather created a world of suffering Than one of comfort and happiness?”

9.

“What kind of a Creator Would have arranged for two unrelated creatures − That bug and I – Who had no animosity towards each other − To be set up Where one would harm the other?”

10.

“And what kind of a Creator Would have not only created the circumstances For this to happen But also have been content To look down and watch it all play out And do nothing about it?”

11.

And as I continued to hover over the sink I waited for some answers But none came.

So I asked again And was ignored a second time Leaving me to sadly wonder further, “What kind of a Creator Wouldn’t even respond To his own children’s questions?”

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12.

This incident was apparently Over and done with And time for Life to just move on: Unresponsive, unremorseful, unaffected And unchanged. *****

93

y Kindness Or Just A Cruel Trick?

10-10-2011 Had Death been more compassionate or more cruel? _____ 1.

Death had granted him a stay of execution − A delay in the date of his scheduled death So that he could complete his work − The work that he’d begun Many years before And that was very close to completion.

2.

It were as though Death Had a streak of compassion And somehow understood How important his work was to him.

It were as though Death had a heart.

3.

Death also granted him A number of subsequent delays To give him additional time to finish his work Which was always falling behind schedule.

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4.

Death had no problem Arranging each of these postponements For all it had to do Was to move him a little farther down the list And another one up the list to take his place − Ones who had less important things to do.

5.

And all the while he worked at his desk Death kept looking over his shoulder Following his progress with great interest And pacing the floor Like an expectant father.

6.

Finally His work was completed And the minute it was Death took him Without a second’s hesitation.

7.

Was it a true act of kindness on Death’s part To have let him finish his work?

Or was it only kindness on the surface That was meant to mask Something more cruel and sadistic?

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8.

Had Death allowed him to finish his work Only to take even greater pleasure In denying him Even one minute to enjoy his achievement?

Had Death set a banquet table Only to take it away Before he even had a chance to take a single bite?

Had Death Just cruelly set him up?

9.

Knowing full-well That Life Always plays these kinds of cruel tricks on us It’s not hard to imagine That Death Probably does too. *****

96

y The Pepsi Top (What’s Next?)

10-23-2011 Weakening with age. _____ 1.

He could hardly find the strength To open the pop-top On his can of Pepsi And panicked thinking about How his age and weakness Were becoming all too evident And getting in the way Of handling even the simplest of tasks − Like opening up a can of Pepsi.

2.

And by extension He also worried about Losing his independence someday And being dependent on others Or even a burden to them By not being able to do all the little things He used be able to do By himself.

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3.

He and Life had been moving in tandem Like two adjacent and parallel trains Moving at the same speed and direction With he on one train And Life on the other And both in perfect synch.

4.

But then he noticed the other train Pulling ahead Only to realize that the other train Wasn’t pulling ahead But that his train Was falling behind – And that he was actually witnessing himself Getting old And unable to keep up.

5.

What else might be coming he wondered?

What might be the next thing That he should expect to have trouble with?

Opening a box of cereal?

Tying his shoes?

Or worse, going to the bathroom by himself? − Oh how embarrassing that would be.

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6.

As we age we begin to realize − Sometimes gradually, Sometimes quickly, And sometimes in complete denial − That our bodies are decaying − That they’re decomposing and breaking down Into their primary elements.

As we age we begin to realize That we’re slowly dehumanizing.

7.

And just as our bodies are decomposing All the other parts of us – Physical and spiritual − Are decomposing in tandem with each other And at a similar rate of speed For what would make us think That any part of us – Body, mind or soul − Has any preferential span of life Than the other?

8.

So there he sits Looking at his can of Pepsi Watching the other train slowly pulling ahead Getting smaller and smaller And harder and harder for him to see No matter how hard he squinted And knowing full well That when it finally disappeared It would be the end of him.

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9.

So there he sits Alone at his little kitchen table Staring down In front of that fortune-telling can of Pepsi Asking himself What might it be That he won’t be able to handle next. *****

100

y

Lord, This Isn’t For Me 10-23-2011 An appeal for some mercy. _____ 1.

Oh Lord I know I’m not On the greatest of terms with You But this request I’m making of You Is not for me But rather for him − The one who’s been locked up in his Room For all so long now.

2.

Oh Lord Please let him out Even if it’s only for a little while.

Let him out of his Darkness and into the Light For everyone deserves some time in the Sun No matter what he’s done.

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3.

I can’t imagine What he might have done That would have required This kind of Punishment And for this amount of Time.

It seems to me That he’s served enough Time And paid enough of a Price For each and all of his digressions Whatever they might have been.

4.

This Hell-Hole of complete isolation That You’ve put him in Has driven him almost insane And has turned in Body, Mind and Soul Into three vicious Devils With each one tearing At the other’s throat.

5.

Have mercy on him, Lord For he’s had enough of this limitless Abyss And this Night without end.

6.

Dear Lord Let him see the light of Day And feel the heat of the Sun Even if it’s only for a little while.

Let him have a respite From the heinous Hell You’ve put him in.

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7.

Dear Lord The punishment that he’s endured Has left him close to Death − So close that I can almost feel it myself.

Isn’t that enough Punishment In and of itself?

8.

So Lord It’s not for me That I’m asking You − It’s for him.

Please don’t let him die Without even a glimpse of the Sun. 9.

This is all I ask of You − Not for me − But for him. *****

103

y Will He Run Out Of Time Or Ink? 12-15-2011 A writing dilemma of time and resources. _____ 1.

He has so much he wants to write about To explain himself To the loved ones he’ll leave behind.

But with his failing health He has very little time And with only one ball point pen He has a limited amount of ink.

So his big question is: Will he have enough time and ink To get everything down on paper That he wants to say?

2.

If he writes too slow He might die before he gets it all down.

If he writes too much He might run out of ink.

Either way he’d lose.

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3.

This is his dilemma: Running out of time Or Running out of ink.

Which would it be?

4.

Worrying That it might be one or the other But hoping That it wouldn’t be either. *****

105

y

What’s Said Is Said (Smoke In A Bottle) 12-29-2011 Communication is an imperfect art. _____ 1.

Somewhere in between − Between what was in my heart And what was in my head − Between what I wanted to say And what I actually said − Things got all mixed up And didn’t come out The way I wanted them to.

2.

Somewhere in between − Between conception and delivery, My imagination and reality, The spirit and the literal, The beginning and the end, The design and the outcome − Things got all confused, misinterpreted and misconstrued Like in the parlor game of “Telephone.”

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3.

The difference between What we feel, and what we actual say And what we plan to do, and what we actually do And what we never thought we’d do, but do Is the workings of art As opposed to science.

4.

And even as art It’s the worst and vaguest kind of art For it’s at best Impressionist art Which is all fuzzy and blurry And at worst Modern art Which at times is hardly recognizable.

And to make matters worse Both types of art lend themselves To the greatest amount of Interpretation And even greater Misinterpretation.

5.

Somewhere in between The feeling that I had inside of me As to what I planned to say to her And what I actually said Got all mixed up.

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6.

Somewhere in between My heart and my lips − Between what I intended to say And what I actually said − Things got so deformed That they became twins That had no resemblance to each other.

7.

I knew the minute I said it That it wasn’t what I wanted to say.

But it was all too late by then And there was no taking it back − Nor was there any amount Of begging, apologies or rhetoric That would mitigate, explain or overcome What I had regrettably said.

8.

Somewhere in between My heart and my lips Things got all tangled up Like a long, thin, nylon fishing line That once you get tangled You can never get it untangled Leaving you with no alternative But to cut the line And sadly lose it all.

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9.

Unfortunately Whatever’s said is said and said forever.

Whatever is said is carved in stone.

Whatever is said becomes “fact” Despite any subsequent Facts, protests or persuasive explanations That you may offer afterwards For anything you say afterwards Is only seen as excuses And only something – “After the fact.”

10.

Whatever’s said is said and said forever.

Whatever comes out first Always takes the high ground And can easily repel any assault against it.

Whatever stains red Never comes out and remains indelible.

The first impression Is always the lasting impression.

Whatever’s said is said forever With no taking it back Just as you can never get smoke Back in a bottle. *****

109

y They Learn Too Soon 8-7-1960 A father trying to explain a mother’s death. _____ 1.

A father sits and stares alone With empty thoughts that won’t abate While his children play happily Not yet knowing that their mother’s gone.

2.

He has to tell them soon.

He has to tell them that their mother died on them.

“Daddy, where did Mommy go?”, a little one asks − The one with the golden plaited locks of hair.

3.

And looking down through his tear-filled eyes He tells his little girl who’s looking up at him, “Mommy’s taken a trip − for just a little while.”

She’s satisfied for now with this reply.

4.

But what about a week from now?

When she’ll ask again?

Will she believe her father then?

Or will she question him even more?

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5.

And when she asks a month from now She’ll begin to sense the truth And learn all too early in her years About this bitter and unfair life of ours. *****

111

y Where One Has No Friends 8-9-1960 Denying God until the end. _____ 1.

I flaunt my grave black vices And love my world of sin Where nothing’s given but only sold for the highest prices.

Yes, this is the place I’ve chosen to be in.

2.

“There is no God. The Lord was never.”

This I tell myself, over and over again.

“And even if He does exist, I’ll never Yield and give in to Him.” 3.

My mind is shut to Him and wants to remain numb So that whenever I hear His name Any thoughts from me that arise and outward come Are sharp and mockingly profane.

4.

To laugh and mock His holy words Is here my first desire And next is to rid my conscience of His awful scourge And to root my life in this here evil brier.

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5.

And when I see a river flowing from a mountain crevice And a flower growing so delicate and fair I try my best not to think about His presence That seems to be everywhere.

6.

And when I get confused and am in need of help But can’t find it anywhere, no matter how hard I beg or implore, It’s then my burden’s fully felt And it’s then I feel Him fill my empty core.

7.

And when I trip and fall from weakness and despair And the world ignores me and continues on with all its sin − Leaving me to rot without a single soul to care − It’s He, even after all I’ve done, who kindly takes me in. *****

113

y The Blind Man 10-25-1960 Being satisfied with what you have and don’t have. _____ 1.

Tap, tap, tap Goes the blind man’s stick Tapping on the ground As he slowly feels his way.

His ears are his eyes And every tap tells him What his eyes cannot.

2.

He lives in darkness Deprived of the greatest gift we have − The gift of color and light.

But to him the unsighted world Is not the impediment That it is to us.

For to him it’s rather a secret gift For without his sight He can hear, feel, think and sense things Better and more deeply Than any of us could ever.

He can see What we cannot see And understand What we will never understand.

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3.

“Oh, to be able see! − To be able to glimpse Just one small part Of this probably beautiful world in which I live!”

This is what he sometimes wishes for.

This is what he sometimes asks of God On some of his more disheartening days.

4.

His prayers are never answered though And blind he still remains With only his stick and ears to help him see.

But to his credit and for his own reassurance He reconciles himself to his condition with these words: “The Lord is wise and has been kind to me For if He had given me my sight I’d run the risk of seeing what I shouldn’t see And offending Him.” 5.

So he remains content with the way things are.

Yes, he’s blind and has no outward sight But he has that inner sight for which he’s grateful And that compensates For what he doesn’t have Which is the way We all should look at things sometimes − About what we have And don’t have. *****

115

y Washing Windows 10-27-1960 Things are sometimes not what they appear to be.

(Adapted from an essay.) _____ 1.

I was walking down the block one day And passed a house in which There was a woman at a window Vigorously waving at me With her handkerchief.

2.

I wondered, “Who was she?”

And “Why was she waving at me?”

3.

I stopped and waved back at her But when I did She immediately stopped And just looked at me With confusion written all over her face Which I copied onto mine.

4.

And when I started to walk again She began waving again Just as vigorously as she had before.

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5.

So I stopped And waved back at her again Which seemed to make her even more confused.

She seemed to be wondering Why I was waving at her Just as I was wondering Why she was waving at me?

What was the problem?

6.

Then it dawned on me − She was washing the insides of her windows!

Did you ever feel like an absolute fool? *****

117

y

They’re There 11-6-1960 On the possibility of aliens. _____ 1.

For all we know we’re being watched by aliens from outer space − Watched with great interest and intensity As to how we’re either progressing as a race Or regressing to some inevitable tragedy.

2.

There may exist amongst the galaxies a far superior race than ours Against whom we might be virtually powerless.

So we should wish upon these very stars That against us, they’ll never decide to press.

3.

Our Earth may even be just one of the many territories they own And our very species may even serve as their amusing little pets For they may be of a race so advanced and brilliantly grown That we’re little more than helpless fish flapping in their nets.

4.

And if this theory is true, and they decided to show their power − In person or effect − or in kindness or through fright − It’s only then we’ll know just how small and powerless we are And how little we can do against their overwhelming might. *****

118

y Pretending To Be Asleep 11-13-1962 Choosing to ignore the horrible obvious. _____ 1.

A scared and gentle boy did weep As among the bloodied swords and bodies he was forced to creep In a war that wasn’t even his, but one that he’d been caught in And from which he’d been unable to retreat.

2.

And even while the bodies on the sanguine shores began to heap Those who owned this war never volunteered to do a thing about it But rather their silence they just cowardly chose to keep And never once in compassion did they ever weep.

3.

And even when they walked among the battle ruins They kept their eyes and noses high up in the air Callously surveying this horrible killing-war As if wasn’t even there. *****

119

y What Is In The Eyes?

12-3-1962 You see everything in a person’s eyes. _____ Everything is in a person’s eyes − All the snarling, churning, burning toils Are all contained within those corporal coils.

The eyes are the windows to the soul And every hurt, joy or doubt that a heart can hold Is mirrored in the eyes. *****

120

y Time Is Not A Simple Clock 12-4-1962 The mystery of time. _____ Time is not a moving clock Nor the crowing of a cock.

Time appears to be both what it is and what it’s not And so it stays a mystery that so far we can’t unlock But certainly, it’s not just a simple clock. *****

121

y A Contrasting View 1-19-1963 The contrasting views of the country versus the city. _____ 1.

The city folk are far removed From almost all of nature’s grace.

So, to convince and prove to them That even the most spectacular city face Pales against even the simplest country scene or ocean view All one has to do is to present that simple and contrasting view.

2.

A simple pastoral or ocean view when witnessed By one who has rarely seen such fame And whose eyes have mostly been possessed By the drudgery of all the city’s glass and hard steel frames Will easily sway his heart and write on it a most favored review For the country, over even the most spectacular city view. *****

122

y Those Of Lower Hue Will Share 2-8-1963 Taking undeserved credit for the achievements of others. _____ 1.

See the dreary ugly rows Of men, who have nothing more than primitive and selfish wants.

They are an inferior breed With not a one of them ever having the capacity to lead.

Their masses toil in vain, but no one sows Any fecund seed, for they’re all impotent and ignorant Dropping only their sterile seed So that nothing will ever result that would improve their breed.

2.

There are countless numbers of these inferiors All with dry-well minds that can only talk in mutter.

Wretched is what they’ll always be For there’s nothing worthwhile from them that you’ll ever see For they’re just content to simply and unthinkingly Stare out into empty space And their grunts and groans is all you’ll ever hear them utter.

“What is this thing called ‘knowledge’?”, they’ll sometimes ask, “What can it be?”

But no real answer do they really want So none from them will you ever see.

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3.

Ah, such is the line that never ends − The line of despicable lassitude Where not one intelligent soul does cross or stir; Where not one worthy question comes from any questioner; Where for each one’s folly the other one defends; Where any new idea is labeled poison rather than food; And where anyone who raises up a thought that might infer “Intelligence” is harshly chided as a heretic Or some troublemaking cur!

4.

Who’s at fault I cannot say For some are guilty and some are not.

It’s sad though, that so few will ever acquire the taste For knowledge, but rather spit it out as poisonous waste.

With such a backward thinking race Indisputable fault and blame lay squarely on this ignorant lot And enough so, that many would say that they ought to be erased!

5.

And what makes it worse, even beyond their basic ignorance Is that when a thinker does arise and gains some notoriety From within their midst They boldly seek to take some unearned credit for it So as to undeservedly advance Themselves like simple-minded and selfish hypocrites.

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6.

Oh, how they’ll try to bask in the glory Of this new-born thinker and now celebrity – This one mammoth among all rest in this ignorant brew.

Oh how these ignorants will lie and brag and scheme To show how they contributed to his glory Trying always to take some credit for things That are not at all their due.

Oh these hypocrites of base and lower-hue!

7.

This is the way it’s been from ancient time and lore.

But will it always so remain?

I’m afraid it will, because for them there is no cure For they hold nothing in life high or noble as their aim Which is the reason for their hopeless And indelibly branded shame. *****

125

y The Guilty Ones Accuse 2-25-1963 Falsely shifting blame away from them and towards others. _____ 1.

We are an instinctive and selfish breed And will often do wrong to others and even feed Off them to protect ourselves by any means Unchangeably driven by what’s in our selfish genes.

2.

Accusations will often fill the air with no respect For anyone, and accusing fingers will point at any easy suspect Or innocent scapegoat and those who should be blamed Are all too frequently spared and sadly never shamed. *****

126

y Unraveling The String Of Life 4-15-1963 Life goes on perhaps endlessly? _____ 1.

The string of Time unravels From far, far, out of the distant Past And far, far into the endless Future − into that timeless Cask That contains: all the Nights that have ever lived and died; All the rest of Today that’s still living and alive; And all the Days that are yet to come in our future travels.

2.

At some point the string of Time will fray and sever Marking an end to all its travels.

And at that point we must ask ourselves With our minds perplexed, “Will Time just stop or will something else appear That will unravel next?” *****

127

y Long Remains The Thought (A Modified Sonnet To Gwenneth Clotilde Ho) 6-30-1963 Upon Gwen’s departure from Brooklyn and return to Trinidad.

(I tortured over possibly losing this sweet girl but couldn’t decide.) _____ 1.

Long remains the thought Of one who’s gone away − Perhaps forevermore.

When she’s here I want her less.

But when she’s gone I want her more.

Why can’t my love for her just settle down and stay?

2.

A different life for me has now begun For with her sad sojourn I now can only turn To letters, to replace this dearest one.

3.

My bedroom window is my little perch From which I view the world, and from it now I see the setting sun of blazon orange hue.

It’s from here my heart now scans The full horizon’s scope in search Of her, in the soft shadows of her sad adieu. *****

128

y One Eccentric (Sonnet) 7-3-1963 Only the old house missed its recluse owner and his organ playing. _____ The wind swiftly howls Across the desolate mansion lawn And whistles through the spacious rooms that are now forlorned And given in to a maze of cob webs And fluttering bats that are everywhere.

The owner was a recluse whose public appearances were very rare And who, over time, became the subject of gossip and village lore Because of all the eccentricities that this ancient organist bore Who had loose and pallid jowls And who late into the night could be heard Playing his sullen and eerie organ drones.

And in his cluttered music room he’d often be interred Never dousing his desk lamp’s dim and somber tones. ~ But now the desk lamp’s out and no organ music can be heard And over his lonely death, only his ancient house bemoans. *****

129

y The Sable Hours 7-5-1963 At night I do a lot of thinking about myself and life. _____ 1.

In the sable hours that lay between The moon and when the sun does intervene Is when the most delicate parts of my heart and nerves Are all exposed and when I investigate The origins of all my thoughts and themes.

2.

It’s in these dark and transient hours That I lay myself open at their seams And draw from the dictates Of my most sensitive and deepest inner reserves. *****

130

y Relativity Rules 7- 5-1963 Nothing is constant, even Truth. _____ 1.

Knowledge learned never stays the same For as time goes on things always change.

What was once considered truth could soon become a lie.

What was once the obvious could quickly be hidden from the eye.

And those condemned for their questioning of accepted law Could in time be vindicated from the criticism that they once bore.

We grapple with an infinite range Of things that were held as fast and true but that later change.

2.

Knowledge is not so much about quantity But more about quality.

Knowledge can’t be limited to merely a sum at hand That will stay constant and that we think we understand.

The facts that once had represented truth Never stay the same from year to year And always seem to change from how they first appeared.

Each truth or fact has some aspect to it which makes it unreliable And the constant frequently becomes the variable.

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3.

There is just so much to learn And in man’s life he’ll never earn Knowledge enough to understand even the meaning of a fly.

And even if he did, a contradictory theory would vie To take its place. And with each theory that’s born anew And strictly proven to be true There could later come another view Where the very opposite is true Or stranger yet, where they both could possibly be true.

4.

The value and the truth that anything possesses Depends upon when, whom, and with what it meshes.

With every contact that it makes with the outside world Some aspect of it is rearranged Or even its very essence could be completely changed. * What was once locked away in an untouchable sanctuary Could be released with the simple turning of a key For Truth is always looking for even truer meanings And therefore encourages both challenge and change And is always seeking to evolve itself into a greater truth And one that’s even more redeeming.

No false or static god does Truth ever want to be So it seems that even knowledge, truth, beauty and meaning Are all ruled by relativity.

* Referring to the Heisenberg uncertainly principle in physics where mere observations can actually change reality. *****

132

y The Ocean Of The Mind 7-29-1963 The mind can be quickly agitated as well quickly calmed. _____ 1.

Behind the doors that are the entrances to all men’s Minds Lies a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions And within them one can find A potency waiting to be wrought And a fight itching to be fought.

2.

From whatever the source may be The Mind can seize upon even the smallest thing And make it enough of a catalyst to arouse an entire Ocean Into a violent and monstrous thing.

3.

Like the Wind, the Mind need only be slightly stirred To create a tornado of raw emotions And where even a minor thing, like something only slightly inferred Could heave up Waves into the stormiest of Oceans.

4.

And those violent Waves could often have such a rolling force As to urge even quiet and adjacent Waters to also flow Exciting them into panicked courses And into places you’d never expect that they would ever go.

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5.

The powerful Ocean of the Mind, as strong as it may be Can also be quickly and surprisingly relieved of its original alarm For just a little reasoned whisper from the Wind Can quiet down even the most agitated Sea And restore it to its senses and to all its former peaceful calm. *****

134

y

Boxes On Boxes – Architecture’s Dead 7-31-1963 Linear designs are killing architecture. _____ 1.

The city’s structured trenchant lines Are now all so razor-sharp and unadorned By any soothing or arched design.

Look at all these linear lines silhouetted against the sky − Look how boring they are to both the romantic heart As well as the artistic eye.

2.

The “arc” in “architecture”’ is seemingly dead For all new structures now sadly forge ahead Without any arcs, peaks, domes or lovely eaves.

Where architecture once had thrived, the city’s now devoid of it And left, over its demise, only to grieve Like a forest, once replete with countless species, But that is now sorrowfully reduced To only one or two boring types of plants and trees.

3.

Economy and a lazy artistic eye has forced the shape Of simple common squares to dominate.

Box on box and incestuous square on square Are the sterile structures that we now build everywhere.

135

4.

No matter what the structure may be When arcs, peaks, domes and eaves are added to their lines They enhance not only that structure but the city’s overall beauty Giving it architecturally rich variety.

They also nicely mute the intrusive sharpness Of these ugly, pointy and boxy shapes.

Although I long for that so much loved but lost art In architecture, that pleases both my mind and heart, It seems that this kind of architecture is now all but dead. *****

136

y The Allegory Of A Bird 8-8-1963 Our base needs take precedence over our more lofty goals. _____ 1.

Black-ridged mountains contrast sharply Against the pale-blue light of dawn And show the prominence of their dark cliffs And jagged rocky rows Making them look like Titans Standing in the sandy bases where they were born.

Here only the strongest cactus sparsely grow With their sharp and rugged needles in their finest show.

Here they thrive in the golden sands Of the flat and rugged miles of desert parched and dry.

The sand, sunburned and tumbled, smooth and clean, With its colors of brown, tan, and white everywhere Would peacefully, undisturbed and contently lie Until it’s blown into dusty clouds by a faint wind’s arid sighs.

Here, the tranquil plane meets the rock-hard mountain base And where the sun peers down With its blazing and disapproving face.

137

2.

This country was the beautiful and special terrain Where a sable-winged Bird did dwell And enjoy its shy and enchanted reign.

This lovely Bird was so magnificent In everything it did and everywhere it went.

This elegant Bird flew on massive wings Adorned with a gorgeous feathered veneer.

It stretched its lanky neck as it did loudly sing With its paeans echoing far and near And Nature gloried whenever that beautiful song it would hear.

With breadth and strength of stroke it skyward rose Keeping its lofty height by its graceful and sweeping flows.

3.

This Bird upon the waves of air did ride Maintaining its lofty height with powerful stokes of four.

It dove and soared in capricious glide With boundless energy in store The likes of which no man ever saw.

4.

But this exalted creature was still Destiny’s prey And subject to its Fate For as noble as it was, it was still subject To its primitive urges that it couldn’t deem away.

So at times it had to give up its lofty and aristocratic state To satisfy its animal hunger and quench its demanding thirst For what was for a while the least of its priorities, became its first.

138

5.

The beauty of the sand and sky that it once saw Was now temporarily dead For its brutish instincts surfaced up its wolf-like need for prey.

Everything that it once saw as the beauty of the open plains Because of hunger, it now saw as ugly and open threats instead.

The beautiful cactus needles were now seen as threatening arrays As were all the other things viewed in this base and primitive way.

Its love of the brilliant, godly Sun had also to be quit For what now only remained Was its image as a burning evil eye that the Devil himself had lit And whose scorching-burning heat had as its purposed aim To remind it of its primitive roots by its growing hunger pains.

What was once a lofty and idealistic attitude Reverted to a much more base and mundane mood.

And whatever noble thoughts that it once had were now orphaned By the simple need and quest for Food.

6.

But after it had killed its prey and had its fill And its demanding hunger was sate It again viewed all those desert scenes as beautiful and tranquil And prayed that their beautifully restored and lofty states Would never again be reduced to any lesser state.

7.

But in time the tormenting pangs of hunger resumed And its regal flight and attitude was again forced to fail.

Oh, how sadly these awkward baser needs forever loom And have to be attended to, and how they impale This noble Bird’s poor heart and interrupt its glorious sail.

139

8.

Oh, how these baser needs of ours also evacuate our minds Of all the noble thoughts that did before reside.

But then, as soon as Nature’s primitive needs have been satisfied These baser elements of Life are once again ignored And our lofty sense of Beauty is graciously restored Allowing that noble Bird, and us, to once again so gracefully soar. *****

140

y Tender Fingers (To Gwen) 9-20-1963 Remembering Gwen, who moved back to Trinidad from Brooklyn.

(To Wilson Street, St. Augustine, West Indies.) _____ Your tender fingers come to me Like spirits floating through the air And caress my waiting body everywhere.

They are so graceful, soft and warm That with every touch the twins of ecstasy And eager love are born. *****

141

y The Check Against Despair 9-22-1963 Something’s always lurking. _____ Within each person there exists A check and a balance that resists The fatal plague-like birth of dark despair Whose potency is always lurking there. *****

142

y The Dream (To Gwen) 9-29-1963 A beautiful but fleeting dream of Gwen. _____ 1.

I dreamt your vision in my head As I was lying in my bed.

I dreamt it in the mute nocturnal hour Where a dim and feeble light can only cower Up against the black night’s ruling stead.

2.

I saw a soft and gentle light fall upon your face Blessing it with a warm alluring grace And within its warmth your dark eyes burned.

And there in the dark your tender lips had learned Of the silent kiss that I upon them softly placed.

3.

In my dream you were so close to me That I felt the very fire of your heart inside of me.

My head was pressed against your breasts While your tender fingers softly caressed Me, with all the love that you permitted me to share.

But soon our lips were not as one For my borrowed dream of you and I was sadly done. *****

143

y Vulture Food 10-13-1963 Our baseness after death. _____ 1.

A vulture roams the white-hot barren sheet Of the taught and torrid steaming sky Circling tirelessly and salivating for any victim’s meat That may come within the scope of its banal searching eye.

2.

And when your life finally drops away Don’t expect that you’ll ever rate Anything more honorable or noble in any way Than scavenger food for vultures That always circle in high and patient wait. *****

144

y If I Never Did Have You (To Gwen) 1-9-1964 Appreciating Gwen’s love. _____ 1.

With all that I now own And all that I have done I’d still be empty and alone With little meaning known If I never did have you.

2.

And if all that I now own And all that I have done All remained with me alone No comfort would I own If I never did have you.

3.

And if all that I now own And all that I have done Were lost and gone That loss would almost be unknown If I still had you. *****

145

y Always To The Future 1-12-1964 As soon as one thing is finished I’m on to the next. _____ When it’s Night I wait for Dawn.

And when it’s Dawn I wait for Night.

And like an expectant father I wait for each newborn.

When something’s finished I put it out of sight And drown it in the Past’s bottomless and brackish Lake And look only to new and future things to do and make. *****

146

y My Imaginary Fleet 1-29-1964 Escapism. _____ 1.

Walk – Walk – Walk − Walk.

My footsteps are barely heard for they’re only as soft as cat’s paws Compared to the city’s rumblings, chants and caws And often completely absorbed by its harsh demonic blend.

The motley city din consumes and draws Away my spirit that once was able to rise above that din and soar But that’s now been beaten down And sadly and brutally made to bend.

2.

Walk – Walk – Walk − Walk.

I walk along the stretching adamantine streets With each step yielding a firm-laid mark in rhythmic beat.

And all the concrete cracks beneath my feet I make into a imaginary complex river system − A system on which I fabricate an imaginary fleet of ships to sail Both in calm winds and heavy gales.

147

3.

Sail – Sail – Sail − Sail I sail my little imaginary ships everywhere in front of my feet Which bolsters up my spirit’s individually And sometimes even helps me keep my sanity.

Here along these sidewalk cracks I sail my imaginary fleet To overcome my dull and often discouraging reality. *****

148

y On A Rainy February Morn 2-1-1964 Fresh views, like rain, wash the dust off stale minds. _____ My eyes are graced with this chilly rainy Morn − A Morn that’s gray and dreary but that has aroused and caught The poet in me, refreshing The droughted spirit of my soul.

This winter rain is clear and cold and born From Heaven’s freshest spring of new-born thoughts And will wash away the dust that has collected on my soul − The dust of dingy, old and common attitudes And redundant platitudes.

This rainy winter Morn gives me all the vigor new Of life afresh with its sparkling icy crystal dew.

Oh this lovely Winter rain and its pellucid misty Morning view. *****

149

y Heavy Undercurrents Of Mood 2-6-1964 A petition to Sorrow. _____ Oh, consuming Sorrow, at times you overwhelm me Both in body and in soul And wrench at my entire being whole.

I ask thee – no − I beg thee With emaciated hope, With filled and blurry eyes of heart-born tears, With emotion in excess of reason’s scope, With death’s theme so close upon my ears, With my Soul so near to losing its grip on Hope, To dispossess my soul!

Oh Sorrow, please relieve me of thy heavy toll.

And please release me from thy sudden rising waves of grief That bear no pity for me now, or show any prospect of relief.

Oh Sorrow, spare me from the monsters stirrings Of your subconscious undercurrent realms And from my own subconscious devils that mutiny And want no less than to thwart everything that I pursue And who, if they had their way, would savagely tear me in two. *****

150

y Give Release To Me 2-18-1964 A plea for release from a worried mind. _____ I’ve been gravely pained with futile loves and hopes that were And wonder what new pains might come or past ones reoccur.

And from this, a life with little hope and meaning, Is what I see from the past and what ahead of me I can infer Making me wonder if I can stand the future seizures That Life might next on me incur.

Oh Life, please give me my release If moved by pity, you ever were! *****

151

y

On Man’s Position (From A Common Ancient Seed) (One Of Many Ripples In The Tide) 2-18-1964 Man is not so superior to other living things as he’d like to believe. _____ 1.

Is “something” better than “naught”?

Does not the earth have more weight than air?

Is not a living plant next higher on the scale as it ought To be? Does not the animal, the next tier fare?

And does not man rank above all of these things Due to his greater capacity for conceptual Thought?

Yes, Nature has evolved us to each of our levels, respectively But the conclusion that comes to me from all I see Is that we have evolved and ascended Out of not much more than primal swirling gases To our state as “Man” and that to something higher − or lower – We’ll further evolve and pass.

But while each stage may be distinct by grade and mode The Soul, I don’t think, is an entity Unique to Man and bearing the mark of only his immortality For everything − man, beast and plant − Past and Present – Has come from an ancient and common Seed That has from the beginning of time been sowed And which, even though each thing is somewhat different, Has virtually made us brethren of a common Breed.

152

2.

The stone doesn’t breathe, the plant doesn’t see, And the insect doesn’t, as much as the animal, know.

And even though Man is above all of them With his sophisticated and upright stance And his larger brain, he’s not much more or less Than the simplest cell on the ocean floor below For from the same Seed he has come − and all by Chance − And that that alone has set in motion all the future evolution That he and everything else is destined to undergo.

Man is only one little link in a progression that is infinite.

We have evolved in Nature, like all the other beings And therefore have no special rights.

Nor were our Souls, by any Higher Being, separately endowed.

Our existence is not such a special thing − nor should it be.

Rather Man is just a part of all existence and just exists Along with all the other beings on the Earth and in the Universe And this is a Truth we shouldn’t resist.

Man, as would any peering star above observe Is hardly distinguishable from the rest of life on Earth By any great degree − He lives and breathes, then gasps and dies Just like all the other creatures that Life has ever served.

153

3.

Thus Man, the self-centered creature that he is Has warped his view Of himself, thinking he’s the pilot or the helmsman of his course And that each swell of the sea is measured By what his mind prefers to endorse.

Man shouldn’t see himself as anything higher Than his fellow beings for it’s just not true But rather just as one of the many equals that co-exist with him Shoulder to shoulder and side by side.

Man should reassess just who he is and change his present view, Shrink his overinflated sense of Pride, And surrender to the fact that he is just One of many ripples in the Tide. *****

154

y A Fallen Snow And Winter Trees 2-29-1964 The beauty of the winter for me. _____ 1.

Today, the snow has fallen beautifully In every alley, yard and street Making a fairy-tale Winter Kingdom here for me − A white and lovely winter treat.

2.

The air is crisp and fresh with blowing gusts And not a cloud is painted on this cold, cold sky of blue.

And the racing winds of interweaving thrusts Brush clean and smooth the snow that has just now fallen new.

3.

The bare brown trees report the winter winds With their twisting, flexing trunks and boughs.

First they bend, then rescind As though they were on stage and taking graceful bows.

Oh how this fallen snow and these winter trees And the blowing icy breeze Bring my spirits up as high as my sullen nature will allow. *****

155

y On Experience 5-18-1964 Experience is the best teacher. _____ 1.

One learns best about himself and Life Through personal and in-touch experience.

And one learns even better from the mistakes he makes Because it opens up the rawest of his vulnerabilities And touches closest to his soul.

2.

There is no better training ground in Life than raw experience.

Experience is how and where you find your soul And from it is built the solid lived, rather than the shallow learned.

Life is deepest found through the experiences of the heart.

Eyes and ears alone can never learn of Life For eyes are blind and ears are deaf and neither has a heart.

3.

One learns best through conflict and through crisis.

One can’t fully understand the meaning of Peace Until he’s experienced War. The most profound appreciation of Heaven Comes to those who’ve been to Hell.

Sights and sounds are blind and mute And little more than eunuchs Unless their teacher is Experience.

156

4.

Eyes and ears meet Life but only on its surface.

To learn of Life you have to get below the surface.

You can’t appreciate Life until you feel the threat of losing it − Until you’re cut and see your own blood flowing.

Only through experience − Through real and personal experience − Will you ever really know about Life and Death.

You sometimes have to touch Death itself To get the true feel of Life. *****

157

y Melancholy And Depression 5-21-1964 Wishing I could free myself of these two demons. _____ What is this recurring mood that chokes my soul And comes through secret doors to strike my spirits down?

The moonlight, once abundant in its creamy flowing gown Used to warm me and thus I always welcomed it to stay.

But now it’s just the dreary haunting remnant of a forlorn day.

This mood I’m in fills my eyes and ears and heart with grief And creates a filmy vapor that dims my vision And shows me little sign of relief.

Many times I have enjoyed the moonlight and the night But now each hue and sound Beckons forth sad disparities within my soul.

Each thing that used to be a joyful sight and sound Is now a phantom of despair Whose origin and birth I don’t rightly know Nor do I know in which direction it is bound.

I always wonder if someday I’ll ever find that pair Of jailor’s keys that will fit the locks on the dingy cells Of Melancholy and Depression so I can let these “lifers” go And rid myself of these unruly tenants from Hell And free up some room in my over-crowed soul. *****

158

y A Dance Of Wind And Rain 6-8-1964 Observations on a windy rainy night. _____ 1.

Tonight it’s teeming with a wind-blown almost horizontal rain Making each speeding droplet look like hail That has attached to every one of its icy water grains A translucent meteor-like tail.

2.

All the concrete buildings and the streets are dark And dim, from all the rain that they’ve absorbed Making them sharp contrasts against the raindrops’ shiny marks As they fall like little shooting stars all smoothly orbed.

3.

The rain flies all about, obeying without question All the wind’s commands.

But some rain drops manage to collect themselves amidst the fray Along the under sides of the city’s hanging wires Making them look like strands Of shiny pearls − like elegant necklaces on display.

Oh this lovely and exciting dance of wind and rain That has me mesmerized and dreaming once again. *****

159

y

Can You Love Me − Such A Broken Thing?

(To Gwen) 7-4-1964 A question for Gwen about me.

(Written at a 4th of July picnic at the Naval Officer Candidate School in Newport R.I.) _____ 1.

I’m sitting on a grassy bank of the bay While behind me is a noisy crowd Playing rough, talking loud And annoying me – Almost as if they were taunting me – For my spirit is heavy today And yearns for some peace and privacy As it’s as moody as the grayish sea That lies in front of me.

2.

I’m sitting here wondering − Wondering if you can find in your heart and will The strength to undertake such a heavy task as understanding Me − wondering if you could ever fill Your soul from such a barren thing as me − Wondering if you could ever fully grasp Who I really am from what you see?

I’m worrying over all these questions I have posed – If you could love someone who’s so misplaced and self-enclosed?

160

3.

Is your love strong and deep Enough to take me in its flame?

Can you love the things in me that leap Beyond the more normal bounds and aims Of other men? Can you accept the things in me That measure less by vast degrees When matched against even an average soul?

Can your love be generous enough to receive me whole?

Can you understand who and what I am Then love me as I am?

Can you ever love such a broken thing as me? *****

161

y Someday My Death?

(On Officer Candidate School) 7-18-1964 A particularly heavy moment of self-doubt and depression.

(Written when I was considering dropping out of the Naval Officer Candidate School in Newport, Rhode Island.) _____ 1.

Although I’ve had this depressing feeling A number of times before And have written about it too I’ll do so here and now once more For each time that it surfaces It cuts me like a knife And begs to be heard again.

2.

After so many hopeless moods and depressing states Have come and gone I fear that there may come one Where I’ll be overwhelmed by the thought of more to come And choose to accelerate my fate.

3.

I can see a time when some depression might fall on me So heavy that it might just be The straw that breaks my bowed and weakened back And have me wishing not to see tomorrow.

162

4.

Someday I feel That circumstances may arrange themselves And cause the death I shall perhaps myself induce To escape the dismal future that I foresee ahead of me.

5.

Perhaps it’s all for the best that I give up on Life Which never did a thing for me.

Perhaps it’s best that I chose Death instead of Life So as to never have to deal with it again.

Perhaps it’s best to deprive Life of me, one of its favorite toys.

Perhaps Death is the best cure for whatever it is that ails me.

6.

I often feel that I never have the right solutions in my head And will never find the relief I’m looking for And that on one depressing day Or in one dark and lonely night I might make that sad and loneliest decision of all − The decision to just end it all. *****

163

y The Heart Assigns Its Own Composure (A Sonnet) 7-20-1964 The heart is a strong thing and wishing I had one. _____ The heart is often strong enough to govern its own composure And despite the influences of time and place Its crucible-like walls can withstand a massive pour Of heat, without suffering any crack to its sturdy case.

The heart also has the unwavering fortitude To divert the severest of threats as well as quell The greatest upheavals that try to intrude Upon its peace, even when the most powerful emotions rebel.

The heart can also console itself and bring Inner peace even when challenged By the most depressing of things As its adrenalin can often rally to meet any challenge That comes to the fore.

The heart can also birth and berth its own resilience And keep it there in steadfast store.

Oh how I wish that my heart were similarly designed And to me true peace and comfort it would assign.

Oh how I wish that these attributes were the case With my poor heart. *****

164

y A Gradual Depression (On Officer Candidate School) 7-25-1964 Suffering from self-doubt and lack of confidence at the Naval Officer Candidate School (“OCS”) in Newport, Rhode Island, I contemplated quitting many times but in the end held fast. _____ While standing at Captain’s inspection today I held my body fast at attention and stared straight ahead Not making any move Except for the pounding of my heart within my chest.

I, for whatever reasons, sunk from an air of hope just yesterday To one of deep despair today.

My cowering spirits were viciously fed By desperate fears and emotions that painfully filled my chest.

And my mind wreathed from its self-imposed duress That had as its course and aim The spreading of some lethal infection that was meant to claim Whatever little strength and confidence I still possessed. *****

165

y I Wait For Your Return (To Gwen) 8-2-1964 Feeling alone and homesick in the Navy and pining for Gwen. _____ 1.

I wish my mind were of stronger stock For it sometimes can’t remember much of anything Or hold for long, even the simplest train of thought.

It often finds itself bewildered When confronted with what requires either decision or command.

It’s also often slow to grasp the concepts behind even simple things And frequently falters when executing even simple tasks.

2.

While it has these innate weaknesses It also has a compensating strength − In that it holds a commitment for love of you That is as hard as granite in its resolve.

3.

So here it is − This love of mine − Just waiting here alone For your return. *****

166

y Trust Truth 7-14-1963 Taking truth in. _____ The dawning Phoebus* will embrace The wake of Day with its yawning face Straining hard to ascend and claim its noon-day place.

And upon the Earth’s receptive breast Its visage is made known, best By the sharpening shadows that to its presence they now attest.

I shall look for the Truth in each Sunrise.

I shall watch for it in every place that it may arise And in every shape, color and size.

I have learned of Truth from the Night just Past Which has given me courage to take on most any task And against any daunting challenge hold fast.

I know my limits and ambitions And will make whatever revisions That I must, to shrink my swollen and consuming Pride And make sufficient room inside of me for Truth To comfortably reside. * the sun *****

167

y I Lie Amidst The Silence Of My Room 9-16-1963 A worried mind thinking too much and too deeply. _____ As I lie within the silence of my room Amidst the hatred of my gloom I can only utter for this Life I face, a secret and depressing sigh.

And as I listen to the deafening silence I almost wish to die.

Oh, will this sad and ghostly visage forever loom In front of me, or will it end peacefully sometime soon? *****

168

y This Cannot Be Our Last (To Bich-Thuy) 2-23-1967 Thinking about having to leave Thuy when I leave the Navy. _____ This cannot be our last.

This cannot mark the end of The tenderness of two. *****

169

y A Premonition (To Judy) 7-5-1964 I told her mother that I thought Judy’s marriage would fail which it did. _____ 1.

She is composed of a complex store Of seething emotions that her nature has unconsciously produced.

Like the tenderness of an open wound, its core Recoils in pain when the slightest touch is introduced.

2.

Her wound will always remain sensitive to the touch.

And I don’t believe that she could ever change by much Her tender soul, which would always fail Life’s pressing tests And never, for some searched-for reason, truly come to rest.

3.

She hopes for a fairy-tale ending that will “once upon a time” instill In her the resolution to her worries, but I know it never will.

4.

I fear that all her attempts to ease her restlessness will be in vain, That she’ll never be at ease and her open wound won’t ever heal, And that her impending marriage will fail and not resolve her pain.

This is what I sadly sense, and for her sake, regrettably feel. *****

170

y Buyer Beware 12-3-2013 Exercise caution when selling hopes and dreams. _____ 1.

My job is selling hopes and dreams To both the desperate And the hopeful.

2.

I sell hopes and dreams for the future To anyone who needs or wants them.

3.

Some of them have a chance of coming true While others are pure fantasy.

4.

When someone’s down And just needs a little bit of encouragement To help him get through his issues I sell him a little hope or dream.

But when someone’s got more serious problems Or is on the borderline of unreality My hopes and dreams will only exacerbate things.

171

5.

In most cases It’s a rewarding business I’m in.

But it’s also a dangerous one at times For me, the seller And for my customers, the buyers.

6.

So I always give the following advice: To myself: “Be careful of what you sell And to whom you sell it Making sure that it’s suitable.”

And to my customers: “Buyer beware.” *****

172

y Irrelevant To Love 12-4-2013 The answers were irrelevant. _____ 1.

She asked me But I didn’t have the answer.

I’ve never had the answers To any of her questions.

2.

You’d think she’d know by now That I’d never have the answers.

You’d think she would have given up on me But she hadn’t and rather chose to stay.

3.

And likewise you’d think That I’d have caught on by now and realized That it wasn’t the answers that were relevant to her But rather only me.

4.

You’d think by now That I’d have realized That the answers were irrelevant − That the answers were irrelevant to love. *****

173

y Ribbons Of Light 12-6-2013 Driving on the Merritt Parkway one evening. _____ 1.

When I was coming home from a client call − Driving south on the Merritt Parkway At dusk and close to dark I noticed that as the light waned The highway evolved Into two winding ribbons of white lights And two winding ribbons of red lights Formed by the parallel strings of headlights and taillights Of the north and southbound lanes.

2.

And as the highway weaved To the left and to the right And rose up and down Those ribbons of light swayed in perfect tandem harmony Making them look like the long silk ribbon streamers On the ends of the wooden sticks you’d see In a Chinese dance.

174

3.

I was mesmerized By its slow and graceful movement And made me think How even everyday and mundane things − Like the lights of rush hour traffic − Can be beautiful Under the right circumstances Especially To the eyes of a dreamy poet. *****

175

y Broken Promises 12-6-2013 Making and breaking resolutions and promises. _____ 1.

Over the years I’ve made a million resolutions and promises But never could keep but a few of them − Breaking almost as many as I made.

2.

I went way beyond Just breaking little New Year’s resolutions As I broke some serious promises That I’d made to God Himself When I was scared to death And in desperate need of a favor.

3.

The road to Hell Is paved with both good intensions And broken promises.

So if quantity is any factor That’s probably where I’ll be headed. *****

176

y Just Before Dawn 12-7-2013 Pre-dawn is the worst time of day for me. _____ 1.

The worst time of the day for me Is just before dawn When it’s still pitch black and cold And I know That I have to get up soon and face the day.

2.

Just before dawn Is when I review and regret All my past mistakes And worry about the new ones that I’ll make.

3.

Do others dread this dark and pre-dawn time of day Like I do Or is it just me being a scaredy-cat?

Is it just me who gets so angst about it Like some child having a nightmare And hiding under his covers?

177

4.

Is it just me Who can’t handle his devils And keep them from running wild?

5.

Is it just me Who has such difficulty In getting out of his morning fetal position?

6.

In this dark pre-dawn hour It’s like I’m in a cave With my knees tucked under my chin And my arms holding them tightly against my chest Listening to the wolves outside Frozen in fear That they’ll sniff me out.

7.

The worst time of day for me Is just before dawn When it’s pitch black and cold And the wolves are all about. *****

178

y They Become Our Classics 1-11-2014 Repetitious storytelling in our old age. _____ 1.

In our old age We don’t create many new stories Rather We are relegated to reciting old ones – The stories of our lives.

2.

These stories are our plays And we are the actors in them Which we perform for our audiences.

3.

And while they may be of limited interest They are all we have left to represent us.

4.

These plays in time become classics − At least to us.

And like all classic actors We proudly practice our lines to perfection. *****

179

y Timing Is Everything 2-7-2014 Achieving my priorities in time. _____ 1.

The perfect timing for the end of my life Would be After I had completed All of my personal projects.

2.

And even if I died The minute after finishing them And had no time to enjoy their fruits While I’d be disappointed I wouldn’t complain Knowing that I had achieved My life-long ambition.

3.

And more so I’d even be grateful Knowing and appreciating That in life Timing is everything. *****

180

y

The Devil’s Workshop 2-15-2014 My work keeps me safe and out of trouble. _____ 1.

I spend so much time Working on my music and my writings And on all my other personal projects That I have little idle time To get into trouble.

2.

“An idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.”

And with that quote in mind And my mind being so busy with my projects The Devil has little chance of getting any foothold.

3.

And even if my works Don’t have any intrinsic value or perpetuity In and of themselves They have the alternative benefit Of keeping me off the streets And out of trouble. *****

181

y The Good Old Days Of Retirement 2-18-2014 Comparing retired life yesterday to today. _____ 1.

In the good old days You simply retired at 65 Lived 10 years Then died at 75.

2.

And during those last 10 years in retirement You lived off the pension you got From the company you worked at for the last 30 years Which was more than enough To give you a reasonably comfortable retirement After which you died at 75 And left the house mortgage-free to the kids.

3.

Today however With life expectancy so much longer And life-time pensions becoming a thing of the past It’s a very different − And not so idyllic − Scenario.

182

4.

Today You change jobs frequently, You retire at 67 or later, You live for 20 years in retirement − Twice as long as you did in the good old days − You don’t have a pension But only what you’ve saved yourself.

And when you die You can’t leave the house to the kids Mortgage-free Because you had to take out a reverse mortgage Just to survive.

It’s a very different and more worrisome world today − Nothing short and sweet like it used to be.

5.

So while living longer May seem like a good thing on the surface It may be a bad thing As the quality of your life Is not like it was In the good old days.

6.

Oh those short and sweet good old days − Where you simply Retired at 65, Had 10 good years in retirement, Died at 75 And you were a hero for leaving the house to the kids Mortgage-free. ***** 183

y Letting Sleeping Dogs Lie 2-19-2014 Appearances can be deceiving. ____ 1.

“I so much admire you As you’re always so cool and under control And wish that I could be that way.”, I said.

2.

“Don’t be fooled by appearances”, my friend replied, “As there are damning forces inside of me That you can’t see So be careful what you wish for.”

He said this With a deep and pensive look in his eye Which made me feel very uneasy.

3.

I wondered what exactly Was behind that look and presumed warning But didn’t ask And just left it at that For sometimes it’s better Not to turn over a rock And to let sleeping dogs lie. *****

184

y Your Demons 3-15-2014 Inspired by an intervention that a friend of mine participated in. _____ 1.

You can run from your demons But you can’t hide.

You can scare them away for a while But they’ll return.

2.

Your demons will always be there − Stalking you And waiting patiently For when you’re most vulnerable.

3.

You have to realize this And know that the best that you can do Is to recognize their presence, Face them, And don’t blink first. *****

185

y

When You’re A Worry-Wart 4-4-2014 The symptoms of being a worry-wart. _____ 1.

Even small things Become big things − When you’re a worry-wart.

2.

Every small worry Assumes the size and proportion Of a big and serious one − When you’re a worry-wart.

3.

Every small event Can easily balloon Into a mammoth one − When you’re a worry-wart.

4.

Even the simple acts of daily living Can often take on the same life and death gravity As when you’re dealing with a tragedy − When you’re a worry-wart.

186

5.

Little things Can occupy your attention Just as much or even more Than big ones − When you’re a worry-wart.

6.

Proportions and priorities get warped, Midgets become giants, Curiosities become obsessions, Shadows become black holes, Questions become accusations, Informal target dates become unforgiving deadlines, And dreams become nightmares − When you’re a worry-wart.

7.

A little thorn in your paw Can be as painful as a knife in your heart − When you’re a worry-wart. *****

187

y Givers and Takers And Dual Personalities 4-6-2014 Everything is feeding from or off something else. _____ 1.

While grass Is sucking in nutrients from under the ground And taking in sunlight from above the ground Insects Are eating away at its roots below the ground As well as chewing on its blades above the ground.

2.

There are complementary and opposing dualities In play everywhere and all the time.

The world works with a dual personality − Givers and takers − Creators and killers − Providers and consumers.

3.

And nothing in this world is done Voluntarily Or out of any sense Of nobility or morality − Or duty or honor.

188

4.

Everything is done Involuntarily, Instinctively, Without permission, And with heartless purpose.

5.

The fast killers and the slow parasites Are all motivated by lust and need Not love.

Nothing is done Out of beauty or concern.

And nothing ever comes Out of art But only out of cold and formulaic science.

6.

Every giver and every taker Has a dual personality Being both beautiful and ugly − Admirable and repulsive.

All are schizophrenic things − Things of both wonder and tragedy − And of Birth and Death.

7.

Everything Has a dual nature And schizophrenic personality. *****

189

y Riding It Out At Anchor 4-12-2014 On being proactive versus passive. _____ 1.

When I think about myself and life I sometimes think of it in terms of My being on a boat at anchor Rather than underway.

2.

Somehow I see myself Preferring to ride out the storms of life Passively at anchor Hoping and relying on the anchor To its job of holding Rather than being underway And my having to take charge of the situation.

By choosing the passive approach Am I just shifting responsibility Away from myself And onto the anchor?

3.

Is the better survival technique A passive one Or an active one?

190

4.

Is a defensive strategy Better than an offensive one?

5.

Is it a better for a gazelle to fight the lion Or just to run like hell?

Is it better for the turtle to try and get away Or just tuck its head and legs in?

6.

The answers to these questions Will all depend on the circumstances And what comes natural.

7.

But of course The real answer As to which is the best strategy for anything Will only be known after the fact − When you see what actually worked – Or didn’t. *****

191

y Fast Forward 4-13-2014 A time-lapse view of another life can give you a perspective about your own. _____ 1.

If we were to observe An insect’s life From birth to death Through time-lapse photography We’d see a fast-forward summary Of all the phases of Life That would mirror our own lives.

2.

And further We’d get a good sense of our own mortality And how short Life really is Which might inspire us to Make the most of it.

3.

It would be a learning or awareness film That would sensitize us To the fragility and brevity of Life.

192

4.

It would allow us to observe a life From its beginning to its end Which would help us see and understand That Life has a definitive beginning And a definitive end to it That we often miss Because we’re so myopically involved in And distracted by The daily living of our lives.

We’re in effect Too close to it To see it clearly and objectively.

5.

We’re so focused on the present That we often can’t see the future And lose sight of the fact That the Road of Life we’re on Is a dead end And we should therefore Focus on the drive And enjoy it while it lasts.

6.

If we were to observe another life − Fast forward − We’d be able to draw Both lessons and conclusions About Life itself And what we should make Of our own lives. ***** 193

y My Innards Twist 8-13-1964 We are always trying to validate our self-worth. _____ My innards twist in constant cramp From every vain attempt I make To prove my life is worth its camp.

Is this my burdened fate To always have to prove it to myself? *****

194

y To No One 8-1-1965 A backhanded comparative appreciation. _____ If another’s lips I had never kissed I’d never have known the tenderness of yours That I now so sorely miss.

And if I never looked into another’s eyes I’d never have known the warmth of yours That does within them so beautifully lie. *****

195

y Devouring Worms 11-12-1965 What comes after death. _____ Here in the cold damp clay of my grave and my final hours I try my best to come to terms With the reality that a million worms Are aiming to disgrace my soul and my body to devour. *****

196

y My Heart Is Sore (To Carol Lee Johnson) 11-25-1965 Written on the heels of Carol’s polite rejection.

(I met Carol, a Southern Belle, when stationed on the USS Loeser (DE 680) in the Washington Navy Yard.) _____ My heart is sore for it was felled Down, down into a hopeless sea.

And when it was alone it cried and swelled With the deep and painful memory Of a girl who was never meant for me. *****

197

y Carol, What Holds Your Letter?

(To Carol Lee Johnson) 11-26-1965 I wrote to Carol about how I felt our relationship might proceed.

I waited but her reply never came. _____ 1.

What holds your letter, Carol?

I wrote to you and now I await your reply.

And as I wait I prepare myself to accept Whatever it might say or imply.

2.

I prepare myself for the deepest possible hurt That this letter might convey.

And as I wait I wonder What is it that holds your letter? *****

198

y The Night Drapes Around Me 1-21-1966 The merging of things and self. _____ 1.

As the night drapes around me The only sounds I hear Are the shuffling echoes of my bones For tonight I am one with this dark, dark night.

2.

The weaver and the silkworm Endorse each other’s fame But often times They’re one and the same. *****

199

y Blindness 8-19-1966 Empathy for a blind man. _____ 1.

The sun softly paints itself upon my face But being blind I can only feel its heat But never see it gracefully trace Itself slowly down my waiting cheeks.

2.

I hear a happy voice go by At a light and graceful pace And think how sad it is, enough to almost cry, That I shall never see that lovely smiling face. *****

200

y A Cinderella New York City Bar Girl 4-19-1968 Fantasies of a Cinderella-dreaming bar girl. _____ 1.

“Soon, I’ll be out of here”, She breathed to a friend with a sigh.

“No more sexy dancing tonight − No more showing off my breasts to customers For a buck or two − For soon I’ll be out of here And regain my dignity.”

2.

And as she walked home She fanaticized to herself: “I’ve heard of people writing poems to their secret loves And just wonder if someone who I served tonight Saw something special in my eyes And is now writing a poem for me.”

3.

And when she got home She couldn’t let go of that thought And fed her fantasy some more: “I wonder if some patron Prince I served tonight Just might have seen some Cinderella qualities in me And will return someday to rescue me?”

201

4.

And as she turned out the light And put her head down on her pillow She stared up at the ceiling And recited the words That embodied the dream That she’s held onto all her life, “I wonder if maybe someone, somewhere, Is writing a poem for me.” *****

202

y Too Much Of A Dream 4-22-1968 Do not expect life to give you much peace. _____ You were happy when you fell asleep But sometime later you began to weep.

Did you expect a night without remorse?

Did you expect a clear divorce From pain? Dreamer, you! − For that’s all too much of a dream for you − Or anyone to keep. *****

203

y The Subways 11-18-1968 Your past experiences always remain with you. _____ 1.

My mind is tired and constantly fading in and out.

The subway fans are screaming loud − Why can’t they fix those noisy things?

Some people are politely whispering While others are talking and laughing loud And some woman is complaining because she has to stand.

2.

My eyes are very tired and begin to roll As this long, long day is beginning to take its toll.

3.

Simple notions in my head soon heat up into boiling thoughts That then dissolve into simply naughts.

“Why do people have to drop their papers on the floor That wind up blowing all over the place?”

4.

As the subway car races through the tunnel Its metal wheels screech to piecing heights that make me wince.

And the tunnel lights become like blinding strobe lights Flashing through the windows which somehow resurrect in me A collage of painful memories.

204

5.

Like a rain drop that catches on a leaf And hangs there like some intruding thief Here I am Caught in the subway By old and painful memories That are uninvited and unwelcomed.

6.

Here I am Caught by old and painful memories And forced to watch and listen, To absorb and be absorbed, And to be callously punished by them.

7.

Here I am Wondering about life And all its punishments and rewards.

8.

And here I am Wondering further About who is ever immune From the stalking memories Of where they’ve been And what they’ve seen? *****

205

y She’s Been The Saddest Heartbreak Of My Life (On Bich-Thuy) 12-5-1969 Still attracted to Thuy, I visited her in Hawaii on my return from a trip through Asia, but was saddened to find it was still an impossible love due to her continued idealistic ways of thinking. _____ 1.

When I stopped over in Hawaii to see Thuy I felt that I was “home” again And felt her presence everywhere The minute I landed.

2.

I was constantly reminded Of just how much I still missed and wanted her.

I saw her face everywhere I looked.

I felt her hands in mine And how delicate they were.

And I felt her warmth against me Just the way it was two years ago.

3.

If only she were just a little different − A little more compromising − A little more practical − A little less idealistic.

206

4.

But as I wished I also wondered If I’d still love her If she were any other way.

If she changed for me Would she still be the princess That I saw her as?

Would she still have That magic spell over me?

5.

So here I am Feeling her all around me once again Both beautifully and sadly As I always have And as it’s always been with her.

6.

She’s been my dearest And most beautiful of loves But also The saddest heartbreak of my life. *****

207

y In The Deep Of A Bar In Thailand 12-16-1969 Inspired after returning from “The Apartment”, which was a night club located in a seedy part of downtown Bangkok.

(The owner shined a flash light into the faces of the bar girls to help me chose the one I wanted which I thought was pretty dehumanizing.) _____ 1.

In the deep of the bar All the painted girls flirted up to me.

Though money was their primary motive They were warmer and more lady-like in their approach Than their U.S. counterparts Which difference meant a lot to me that night.

2.

The world is mostly use and be used − More or less − And the draw and power of the flesh Sways us all with its moon and tide effect.

3.

Oh, how a pretty young face, A shy and inviting eye, A touch in the dark in a far off exotic land Makes everything exciting And pushes both caution and reality aside. *****

208

y He Made Himself Some Memories 2-20-1970 A confused old man withdraws. _____ 1.

He heard some muffled noises Which sounded to him just like wind in a tunnel Or echoes from another world.

They sounded familiar in many ways But then again, not familiar at all.

2.

None of these noises were very clear − Sometimes sounding like teeming rain Or a rushing waterfall − Which were little help to him In making much sense out of them.

3.

He tried his best to figure out Just what they were And where they were coming from.

Sometimes he thought he had it!

Almost! Almost!

But no It always got away from him.

209

4.

In time he discovered what they were − Just the muffled and blurry voices of some children Playing in the street below.

5.

And when he looked down at them And saw them staring up at him It confirmed to him That he’d been confusing things − Mixing up things from two different worlds − One in the present and one in the past.

He was half in one and half in the other Which was happening to him More and more these days.

6.

Then he heard some other voices Coming from an adjacent room.

They were the voices of his friends – Friends of his who were long departed.

But that didn’t matter to him.

7.

So when he entered that room He went deeper and deeper And further and further Into its foggy dimness Until he ultimately Disappeared.

210

8.

He went to a place that only he knew of And that wouldn’t be so confusing for him − We think – We hope − But we can’t be sure. *****

211

y Moonlight By The Bed 4-12-1998 Moonlight always stirs my imagination. _____ 1.

Just before I went to bed something caught my eye.

It was a little square of moonlight on the floor That had slipped in through the window And laid itself down like a lazy old dog.

2.

And when I looked outside I saw the moonlight there as well Spread out on the ground Like a blanket of pale gray ashes.

3.

And looking up at the sky I saw the full-faced moon Staring down at me Like a Monarch upon her servant.

4.

And as I stood there I felt so small and insignificant As if I were a peasant In the presence of the Queen. *****

212

y The Lure Of Melancholy 11-14-1998 Sometimes I get snagged by melancholy. _____ 1.

Melancholy follows me everywhere: Tugging at my sleeve Whispering in my ear Seducing me with its tempting sweet talk.

2.

Although I try to close my ears To Melancholy’s sly temptations Sadly and all too often I fall for its seductive lies.

3.

Melancholy fishes for me too: Baiting every hook, Timing every cast − Quiet, patient, confident − Watching for the ripples in the water That will give my position away.

213

4.

So skilled is Melancholy in her trade And so weak am I to resist her seductions That with sad predictability I so often take the bait. *****

214

y The Fruit Fly Tragedy 11-22-1998 A science fiction death wish. _____ 1.

While sitting by the window He inadvertently Sucked a little fruit fly into his lungs That had carelessly flown too close.

2.

Then soon thereafter The fly released its pregnant load Which grew and grew inside of him Until all the vents that used to be his lungs Were all glazed over For he was such a rich and gracious host.

3.

The pain within his chest Got worse each day.

He waited for it to go away But it never did.

215

4.

Day by day Within geometric speed and volume Things got progressively worse But he still never told a soul.

So before anyone Who could have possibly helped him Even knew about it It took his life.

5.

Even in his last and most painful hours He never called for help.

There was just something in his thinking That pre-disposed him to give his life away − Silent and acceptingly − And without any attempt to save it.

6.

Too much trouble?

Too little self-respect?

Too embarrassing?

Denial?

Or was it Some sort of a death wish?

7.

Whatever it was − Denial, acceptance, on purpose or whatever − He just let it be his tragedy And his alone. *****

216

y Death By Torture 11-25-1998 The torture of a captured soldier. _____ 1.

They spaced their tortures out methodically.

First they cut off all his finger tips.

But just to add more torment and terror to it They left an hour in between each one of them.

The combined pain and trauma of the one just lost And the anticipation of the next Was all the better for them And they gloated over Their ingeniousness.

2.

They hit his testicles with a hammer.

And as before First one‌then the other Allowing for A tortuous period of time between the two.

His screams were horrifying And therefore All the more satisfying.

217

3.

They nailed his privates to the table And then, all in good time They slowly cut them off.

Then shortly afterwards They hung his manhood on the wall for him to see So he could cry in sorrow and in shame Knowing that he wasn’t even a man anymore.

4.

They tied steel wires around his calves Which cut deep into his muscles.

Then they slit his feet along their soles And made him walk in circles So they could watch him with great amusement Slipping in his own wet blood.

5.

Then they tied him to a wooden stake And placed another one − A shorter one that had a sharpened point − At the entrance of his rectum.

And as he tired and his knees began to cave That sharpened stick went up through his body Slowly piercing every organ on its way − Oh the brilliance of it all!

6.

Right up until the time his eyes went dim They laughed and joked together Equally satisfied With both his And their performances. ***** 218

y

Getting Through The ‘90s (Nearing The Turn Of The Century) 12-28-1998 Having to deal with job losses, money problems and family worries the 1990s were difficult. _____ 1.

Getting through the 1990s wasn’t easy So as I approached the year 2000 − The turn of the century − I was wobbling.

2.

Compared to the hard 1990s though The year 2000 looked like it might be better With my load a little lighter And the road ahead a bit smoother.

3.

For the moment I’ve found a little respite Where I could catch my breath and reflect upon The stressful decade that just went by.

4.

For the moment I’ve found a little log to hang on to That will hopefully get me through The rapids up ahead.

219

5.

But I’m sure that soon enough My respite will end And most likely Another heavy load Will be placed upon my back Where once again I’ll have to screw up all my courage With convincing determination − Real and forced − And step off into the misty distance again And face perhaps An even rougher road ahead. *****

220

y Look Out For The Hand Not Showing (1:00 am) 1-24-1999 Be wary of both the apparent and the hidden. _____ 1.

Look to your left, to your right, and then behind you.

Be keen to catch the sneak attack.

2.

Look out for the net that might be dropped on you.

Be wary of endearing smiles aimed at drawing you in.

3.

Be cautious of words that are just too good to be true And look out for the hand not showing.

4.

Make no mistake about it For as much as others seem to favor you They are first and foremost out for themselves.

Look out for the hand not showing. *****

221

y Reading Shakespeare Tonight (Linguistic Chemistry) (1:20 am) 5-11-1999 Awed by Shakespeare’s use of words. _____ 1.

Shakespeare − I’m sitting here tonight and into the early morning Reading one of Shakespeare’s plays.

2.

Shakespeare − While all his plots and characters Are both renowned and timeless I’m more enamored With his use of words.

3.

Shakespeare − With his craftsmanship-like use of words − Is like a master jeweler Placing one jewel here and another one there All in perfect balance and harmony, All in perfect size, shape and color, All in perfect settings, And all with the end result: A masterpiece!

222

4.

Shakespeare − He’s a master of the English language And by using ingenious combinations of words and phrases He creates new images and meanings As a chemist creates new compounds Which is what I call Linguistic chemistry.

5.

Shakespeare − He converts plain words into elegant jewels That sparkle in your eyes And excite your imagination.

6.

So here I am tonight reading Shakespeare And the book I’m reading Is an open jewel box Filled with the precious glistening gems That only Shakespeare could create And so perfectly assemble Into a linguistic masterpiece. *****

223

y A Chance To Be A Hero 5-11-1999 A chance to be a hero not taken. _____ 1.

A frail heart and a weak mind Find me here.

2.

If I’d put on my bravest heart, Gotten on my horse, Thrown out my chest, Galloped off into battle, And died with a sword in my hand I’d have been a hero That everyone would have talked about.

3.

But I didn’t.

And rather chose to live out a simple life Unnoticed and without distinction.

4.

I didn’t seize upon the opportunity To be a hero.

Rather, I let my call to glory Go unanswered Deferring to someone else.

224

5.

I chose not to be a hero.

Leaving both fame and glory To those who had More of a taste for it.

6.

So here I am In the same place that I started from And exactly who I’ve always been − Undecorated and unsung − But still alive And in one piece.

7.

So here I am Alive and in one piece Occasionally visiting the graves and monuments Of those who answered the call. *****

225

y My Music Room 5-11-1999 The pleasure of just looking at my music room. _____ 1.

Having lost my job again I’ve descended down Into the depths I’ve been before Where my heart beats loud Both in protest and in pain, Where my breath is hard to catch, And where my peace of mind Has died yet another death.

2.

But my spirit rallies When I look into my little music room: With its antique shutters, Its lovely drapes that Vi had made, Its built-in wooden bookshelves, Its music books and statues, And of course Its beautiful piano.

226

3.

My music room’s The counterweight To whatever problems I have.

And as hard as things may seem I know that they’d be worse If I didn’t have my little music room.

4.

My little music room Embodies the trinity of my mind, heart and soul And as hard as things may get for me I always take comfort in the fact That I have my little music room. *****

227

y

Sleep Deprived − On And On It Goes (12:30 am) 5-13-1999 A perpetual cycle of sleep deprivation. ____ 1.

I often stay up late reading a good book Or watching some fascinating TV show To help me unwind Which then gets me late to bed And since I’m up so early in the morning I’m naturally sleep-deprived.

2.

Being sleep-deprived I have to fight through the whole next day Being tired, dull and inefficient Which then requires me To put in longer hours in the office.

3.

These long office hours and long commute Get me home late and all wound up again Which then requires me to stay up late to unwind Which then guarantees That I’ll be sleep-deprived again When the following day arrives.

228

4.

Like deer won’t ever learn How to safely cross the road Until a 100,000 more years of evolution have occurred − We too are just as slow to learn Despite the repetitive mistakes we make With respect to things That are blatantly obvious.

5.

There’s seems to be no exit Off this round-about I’m on.

So pathetically and predictably I always wind up Sleep-derived. *****

229

y It Would Have Been A Very Different Story (Investment Hindsight) (1:30 am) 5-13-1999 Bad investments only in hindsight. _____ 1.

In Hindsight The financial investments that I’ve made Might be labeled as “bad investments.”

But they weren’t bad investments Out of lack of judgment or understanding.

But rather They were only bad investments in the context That I took an educated gamble for financial gain and lost.

They were only bad investments therefore Because they didn’t work out.

They were only bad investments In Hindsight As Hindsight was the only thing That labeled them as such.

230

2.

I’m sorry that they didn’t work out As well as I had hoped And sorry that I didn’t get to be The financial hero that I thought I might.

But had I had a little help from Luck or Happenstance I might have been a financial hero − Or a genius as some might even say − Especially by Hindsight.

3.

It would have been a very different story Now wouldn’t it − If Luck and Happenstance Had favored me?

4.

If Luck and Happenstance Had talked it through with Hindsight Before I put my money down All of my bad investments Would have been good investments.

5.

But unfortunately They hadn’t talked it through Before the fact So that after the fact Hindsight had little choice but to label them as Bad investments. *****

231

y How NaĂŻve 5-16-1999 Worries replace themselves. _____ 1.

I tell myself that someday All my worries and maladies Will be cured.

2.

How naĂŻve is that?!

For in reality With every heartache I resolve Another one takes its place.

3.

For every boil I lance Another one Comes pushing through. *****

232

y Keep Up Your Vigilance 5-16-1999 Being a tender target. _____ 1.

The beasts are waiting in the bush With their mouth’s salivated And their eyes bulging Keenly fixed upon your throat.

2.

Never breaking off their stare They slowly and silently inch up closer Through the prairie grass To get their clearest run at you.

3.

Keep your vigilance up You young and tender gazelles! *****

233

y

He’s Just A Little Different 8-8-1999 Being different doesn’t mean you’re odd, just different. _____ 1.

He prefers to listen to the sadder songs.

He relates to them For they reflect his own experiences and moods.

It’s the music with which he best identifies And by which he best defines himself.

It’s the blanket that he wraps around himself.

It’s the chair he uses to keep the lions in his cage at bay.

He likes his music sad and heavy − For he’s just a little different from the others − And what’s wrong with that?

2.

While others only enjoy a sunny day He enjoys a rainy day and finds a moody beauty in it.

He also finds kinship with a dark and rainy day And identifies with it, in part, because most others don’t Which makes him different from many others − But is that so awfully bad?

234

3.

He’s just a little different from the rest In what he likes and dislikes.

And just because he’s different − Why does he have to be labeled as odd?

4.

By being different Perhaps he’s blessed − Instead of cursed.

Perhaps he’s a member of a special club − Rather than a cult.

Perhaps he’s deeper and more insightful − Than most others are − And what’s wrong with that?

5.

Don’t dwell on it too much or over-think it.

Don’t look for fancy definitions or analysis Rather, just accept the fact That he’s just a little different – And that there’s nothing wrong with that. *****

235

y Do Not Delay Your Planting 8-8-1999 Try no matter what the outcome. _____ 1.

What you plant, you may never grow.

And what you harvest, may rot in storage.

And what doesn’t rot, may be stolen.

And what’s not stolen, you may never sell.

And whatever you saved for yourself, you may never eat.

Nothing’s guaranteed in Life.

2.

Despite these daunting prospects Do not forsake or much delay your planting But rather bend your back, Sow your seeds, And pray for rain. *****

236

y Pain Adds Weight And Weight Adds Pain 8-10-1999 Loose metaphor and commentary on life. _____ 1.

I’m marching mindlessly to the sound of drums.

I’m breathing air that’s thick and almost choking me.

I’m kneeling down on swollen knees waiting for my punishment.

I feel prickly thorns with every move I make.

My cuts stay raw and never seem to heal.

2.

My eyes are red and swollen and I can hardly see.

My mind is tired and I’m near to fainting.

My thoughts are misaligned and disconnected.

And the heartbreak of my love hangs over me.

3.

I try to touch a stone to ground myself And help me keep my spirit from breaking.

Pain adds weight and weight adds pain.

4.

Oh Life How much more of this Do you plan to put on me? *****

237

y My Compensating Investments 8-10-1999 Taking alternative risks. _____ 1.

I’m a very timid investor − As timid as a battered boxer Who trembles at each bell.

I’ve lost my nerve it seems And I’m afraid to take on Much of any risk.

2.

But strangely on the other hand I’m not afraid to risk My heart, my head, my eyes And my overall health Working long, long days and nights On my music and my writings.

3.

My music and my writings Are my valued and alternative investments – My compensating investments − And for these I’ll take extraordinary risks. *****

238

y Ready Yourselves, You Soldiers Brave 1-2-2000 Surreal imagery about recurring escape and recapture. _____ 1.

He peered into the corner And saw something.

It was a kind of swirling motion That caught his eye.

2.

The rigid lines That once had been The sharp-edged corner of the room Began to waver Like the rising heat in the desert Would make them look.

3.

Then the corner opened up Revealing An immense doorway into Hell.

239

4.

Then shapes and faces began to form − Faces with burning red eyes And hunched backs and gnarly arms and fingers That reached out for him.

It seemed as though a thousand demons Had been released from their dungeons.

5.

Like frogs hiding in the mud for years Waiting for the rain they knew would come These demons had suddenly come alive Knowing that their time had finally arrived.

6.

Once beaten down and thought to be jailed forever These demons were now all free again Hungry, angry and lurching at their jailers.

Oh, those monsters − How they bore their teeth And tore at flesh and spirit alike.

7.

They clawed and gnawed At everyone they could find With horrific revenge Before Heaven and Her soldiers brave Could organize themselves, Get them under control, And beat them back into their cells.

240

8.

The rigid lines were once again restored And the corner closed.

The war was over And the wounded soldiers limped away All torn and broken From their Hell-crusade.

9.

And as they pressed their wounds They prayed that they’d be given Time enough to heal Before the next uprising!

10.

Ready yourselves, you soldiers brave And be ever watchful For when the demons Might once again escape. *****

241

y Earthquake 9-19-2009 I can go just so long holding my anger. _____ 1.

I try to hold my anger By turning my head the other way, Ignoring the forces building inside of me, And talking to myself.

2.

I’ve tried these and other tricks many times before To avoid a possible emotional earthquake But sadly with only limited success For on more occasions than not There comes a quake.

3.

And when it comes it’s violent And lasts until All the pressure inside of me’s been relieved And everything’s back in equilibrium.

4.

Earthquakes − While I try to avoid them as best I can − I always expect them. *****

242

y Only Half A Friend (On Tom Carroll) 9-23-2009 How a former friend caused a long friendship to turn bad. _____ 1.

When I assess what I’ve lost With the end of our friendship I calculated that I only lost half a friend For the other half As it turned out Wasn’t much of a friend after at all.

2.

You’d think that after 30 years of friendship I’d feel worse about it than I do But the way he’s treated me in the past And the way he’s treating me now − With his continued arrogance and his shunning me As punishment for not kowtowing to his ego − Has had a very hurtful And irreversible effect on me.

This is not the thing a friend should do Especially to one who’s been so loyal Through thick and thin for so, so many years.

243

3.

Although I feel A natural sense of loss and disappointment Over the demise of our friendship When I think about it And all I’ve had to put up with over the years I also feel a strange offsetting sense of relief.

After his recent and most callous treatment of me I was forced to make a more objective evaluation Of our long-time friendship.

4.

While he’s been a friend in many ways He’s also been a user and an abuser.

In many respects I think I might have been More of a sidekick to him than a friend.

5.

He’s belittled me so many times and ways before And although I’d get offended I’d always hold it in − Internalizing all the hurt and resentment that I felt.

So many times he’s made me feel like a lap dog Always having to heel to his commands And bend to his will − Not a healthy thing − And something that a real friend Wouldn’t make you do.

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6.

For example, on several occasions I invited him to our house for dinner.

Not only did he not ever come Or even thank me for the invitation He often never had the courtesy – Much less the respect − To even respond to me.

What kind of arrogance is that?

What kind of friend does that?

7.

Also, on many occasions When I was helping him on his boat He’d open a can of soda, Drink it right in front of me, But never offer one to me.

What’s with that?

What kind of disrespect is that?

What kind of a friend does that?

8.

And whenever he’d ask me To accompany him somewhere He’d never meet me at any place That was convenient for me.

Rather, he’d have me go To wherever it was that was most convenient for him Despite how inconvenient it might be for me.

How inconsiderate is that?

What kind of a friend does that?

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9.

I can see more clearly now Just what kind of friend I had − And didn’t have.

10.

While I'm sad about the falling out we had And the hurt feelings that resulted The way he’s chosen to handle it − The way he’s chosen to polarize the situation − The way he’s chosen to punish me by shunning me And trying to force me to kowtow and apologize to him When in fact he should be the one to apologize to me − Has had a very detrimental and indelible effect on me.

11.

On several occasions after our fight I swallowed my pride, And offered him an olive branch Giving him an easy face-saving opportunity To mend the fences − But he never took it − In fact, he never even acknowledged it.

The end of our friendship therefore Lies squarely on him.

12.

His arrogance has brought me to my limit.

It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It’s the thing that made me say, “No more.”

I have my pride and won’t heel to him on this one Even if it costs me my job * As this one is just too much a matter of principle And one that’s reinforced by a lot of hurtful precedent.

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13.

While I feel terrible about it all And torture over it I also feel in some respects That I’m finally out from under him And that makes me feel a little better About the situation And about myself. ***** * Post Script Ultimately I did lose my job when he vindictively forced me to retire. *****

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y If I Could Trade My Personality 10-5-2009 My bothersome personality. _____ 1.

I was never very happy with my personality And wish there was something That I could do about it.

2.

If I could throw it overboard I’d be in a boat right now.

If I could bury it in the yard I’d be digging the hole.

If I could operate on it You’d hear me yelling “Scalpel please.”

If I could return it I’d be standing on the refund line.

If I could trade it in I’d be in the market shopping around.

If I could sell it I’d be holding a fire sale.

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3.

If I could hide it in the attic I’d be up there looking for a spot.

If I could pawn it I would and then throw away the ticket.

If I could push it off a cliff I’d be hiking up some mountainside.

If I could auction it off I’d be up at the auction podium in a flash.

If I could slip it into someone’s pocket I’d be looking for a mark.

4.

What can I do with my difficult personality That hardly ever makes a good impression And all too often gets itself and me into trouble?

If only I could get that albatross From around my neck.

5.

What can I do?

What can I do?

If only I could do something With my hunchback personality I would. *****

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y

I’m A Country Boy From Brooklyn 2-18-2010 I have a number of country boy traits. _____ 1.

Even though I’m a city boy In many ways I have a country boy heart and soul For I love and identify with all those Tear-jerking, heart-breaking country songs Every one of which is a little story about life.

2.

And my temperament Has a lot of similarities to a country temperament As I’m a little shy and awkward socially; I like to keep pretty much to myself; I like simple things and shun sophistication; I’m suspicious of things that I don’t understand; And I like women who act and dress like women.

3.

I also love the sad and lonely sounds Of bluegrass and Cajun music Played on a country fiddle, banjo, guitar, dobby or mandolin And get pretty emotional about them For in many ways I feel they represent my roots And my deepest sentiments.

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4.

I cry in my beer and never whine.

I don’t need “soul” in any of the songs I listen to For county songs have all the heart and soul I need.

I also like slow dancing − And I love George Jones.

5.

I don’t do drugs as booze is good enough for me.

I love my country and our way of life.

I’m kind of stubborn and brood a lot.

I have a quick temper and now and again Don’t mind a good old barroom brawl.

6.

Even though these traits Make me stand out from the others And sometimes the subject of a little ribbing I don’t try to hide or deny my country leanings And am more or less reconciled To being a misfit city boy − A kind of “oreo” With the city on my outside And the country on my inside.

7.

While it’s a little uncomfortable at times Living this dual existence And being a stranger in my own home town It is what it is And I am what I am.

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8.

I’m a country boy from Brooklyn.

And if not a country boy in fact − By birth or blood − I’m a country boy For all intents and purposes And just about as close as you can get. *****

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y My Life Is An Ice Core 2-28-2010 My life is an ice core. _____ 1.

When my life stops It will not just disappear For every piece of music I composed, Each poem I wrote, Each photo in my album, Each entry in my journal, Is like a snowfall Where each snowfall Creates layer upon layer − Year after year – That all gets compacted and preserved Into glacial ice.

2.

So if anyone wants to know About who I am and what I’ve done All they have to do is bore into the ice And extract a core sample For everything will be there Neatly, forensically and chronologically Compacted into ice. ***** 253

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