Along with the Wind

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to sail out again.”

“So are you just going to stay here forever?”

These two conflicting sentences circle around my mind endlessly. In the end, I’m blaming myself for not having enough courage to move on. I wished someone could’ve given me a push, or maybe someone out there who would come find me, bring me out. Truthfully, I know the answer I need. I need to learn to walk out from the island by myself. I need to stop depending on others and find my own self-worth. Of course, it is always easier said than done. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to take the easy way out in order to feel less responsible about my own choices, and wait for the day that I get fed up and drown myself in the sea. But no. I’m more than that.

It’s surprisingly normal to find it difficult to make a decision no matter big or small. We often worry about the consequences so much that it clouds our judgements unconsciously.

It’s never easy to move on. It’s never easy to be independent. The first step is tough, much tougher than you’d imagine. It’s not something you can easily choose to learn from experience. Nobody would want to experience that journey all over again. Nobody would leap into a relationship waiting for it’s end. In fact, they cling onto every hope available that someday, maybe one day the person they love would realize how important the relationship is to them. That one day they would start appreciating their partner, and not leave. We wouldn’t know.

What made my relationship hard was the brittle cold floor that could be crushed by my parents in a matter of seconds, easily, way too easily. Years of relationship gone in an instant, and there would be nothing left to hold us up, sending us falling deep, deep into the abyss. That sort of fear haunts me. I witnessed the very moment the relationship I held so dear, getting destroyed while I stood there, helpless. It wasn’t a choice. There wasn’t a choice. I do not even have the right to stand up for myself.

I gaze across the vast sea once again. The waves continue to roar, the breeze bellowing, and the sky is still the same grey sky. No matter how long I hesitate, question myself, the nature of things will remain. What is meant to be there will always be there, the only thing that I can change is myself. All I need is that one flicker of hope, somewhere inside me- a “maybe” or a “what if” that would give a little bit of hope to my tomorrow. With that, I smile at the incoming waves as I pull out the boat that I’ve been hiding for a very long time, and I push myself out into the sea, huge waves crashing against the sandy shores behind me. I look back at the island for one last time, “bon voyage” I say and turn my head to face the sea ahead, no longer looking back.

Set sail my dear, go explore the world you’ve never seen before.

Life is a long, long journey. Heartbreak is just one of the many encounters and obstacles you will face. Like the lines scribbled across the white board of my old math class- some lines never meet, whereas some are meant to only meet once and never again. Whatever the equation, your line will eventually come together with another line. Instead of focusing and waiting eagerly for that one line, why not appreciate the people around you now? Instead of waiting blindly for the future, why not take the chance to create the best version of yourself? After all, it’s the present that changes the future.

To all the people on their own journeys in life, whether it’s a heartbreak journey or not, I wish you all the best. It will get better.

References

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Landezine. (2019). Landscape Architecture Works | Landezine. Retrieved from Architecture Diy: http://diyarchitecture. selbermachendeko.com/127_arena_16b-landscape-architecture-works-landezine/

Lu, N. (2020). Nick Lu. Retrieved from Joanie Bernstein Art Rep: https://joaniebrep.com/artists/nick-lu/

News, S. C. (2016). Spare Change News. Retrieved from Behance: https://www.behance.net/gallery/16861787/SpareChange-News

Popova, M. (2020). Little 1: Paul Rand’s Sweet Vintage Children’s Book About Numbers, Soulmates, and Belonging. Retrieved from Brain Pickings: https://www.brainpickings.org/2012/03/27/little-1- paul-rand/