When a substitute mother was required

Words CATHY DOMONEY

My daughter was having some difficulties online and in person with one of her female classmates. This continued on-and-off for a few months and I approached the school several times to bring it to their attention; each time it was dealt with.

When it happened yet again, I made an appointment to see the school counsellor. During the meeting, my agenda caused confusion. Instead of asking for the girl in question to be punished, I asked what sort of support she was receiving from the school. I explained that it was my observation that these repeated incidents of negative and challenging behaviours suggested that something was amiss in the girl’s world.

What was she struggling with? What was going on in her world for her to be behaving like this? Why was she so unhappy that she was lashing out in this way? What she needed was extra care, attention and support, and as I was aware that she had no mother at home, I took it upon myself to intervene and be her voice. I asked the school to step in and support her. That day I was her substitute mother.

Doing this taught my own daughter to look beyond the behaviour of others and develop empathy and compassion for the possible reasons why a person might be acting that way. Are they scared? Lonely? Stressed? Hurting in some way? It doesn’t condone the bad behaviour of others, nor should it. However, it does enable us to communicate with them from where they are, which will in turn have a higher chance of a successful resolution.

We are all looking for connection, acceptance and belonging. As John Harrigan so eloquently states, “People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.” But don’t we all deserve love? Isn’t that our birthright? Do we always need to demonstrate perfection in order to receive love? Is love even worth it if it doesn’t test our limits on occasion? I believe that we need to strive to base all our interactions from a place of love. Is that an easy thing to do? No. But the payoffs, both personally and globally, are so worth it.

Five years has passed since the day of that meeting and do you know what happened to that lost, young, confused female student? She ended up coming to live with us! She is now the eldest of six and a valued member of our family. I am so proud of all my girls, what they have overcome, the strength of character they demonstrate, their determination and ambition. I am absolutely blessed to be a mother to them all.

It’s funny how life turns out.

www.cathydomoney.com