Men, sex and midlife

Words JANET McGEEVER

It can be uncommon to find men in a counselling room, unless his partner has dragged him there or, he has become so devastated by loss of a relationship, he simply doesn’t know where to turn.

As women approach menopause, this can be a profoundly confusing time for their male partners, with her experiencing hormonal challenges – such as mood swings, loss of libido, sleep deficiency, anger, anxiety, just to name a few.

A man is left floundering as to what to do and how to connect with her. It can feel like a minefield to him. No matter which way he steps, he may be triggering something!

Sometimes she retreats from him. And this can bring up profound grief, rejection, and often depression. It’s often a time that women are starting to speak their mind, or feel hopeless, and don’t want to make love anymore. It’s

sad that this is often when things fall apart. But there is hope. Here are a couple of my tips for men.

Firstly, stop trying to make her better. She doesn’t need your solutions. She just wants you to be there and hear her out if she needs to speak. The best thing to do, is be present – that is, sit facing her directly, watch her with your eyes, gently, without being distracted by phone or TV, be receptive – yes, nod, acknowledging that you ‘hear’ her. And give her a hug. It’s pretty simple. The less you say is usually better! Unless she asks for your opinion.

Secondly, educate yourself about Tantra. When it comes to menopause, slow mindful lovemaking is more conducive for her body. And you will love it too. She may not feel sexual desire. This does not mean that she doesn’t want intimacy. She often does, just not the way it has been. She needs longer to ‘warm up’, a more sensitive, non-goal-orientated approach and relaxation to open up. Melting hugs with no agenda.

Thirdly, watch your own emotions and feelings. Seek some support to work through your feelings so that you are genuine and ‘clean’ in your communication. She may already be feeling overwhelmed by life, children, parents who need care, etc. Any pressure for sex can be felt, even subtly. Being resentful and angry or going into your cave will only push her away. Stay ‘present’. Share that you want to connect with her. And reassure her it’s not about sex. Because it actually isn’t, even though your body may be telling you that! This is actually about love and connection.

JANET is an intimacy specialist, speaker and author. She is co-author of Tantric Sex and Menopause, presenter of The Making Love Retreat in Australia and creator of Womantime – Ancient Wisdom for the Modern Day Woman. www.janetmcgeever.com