On margin

Stay home!

This issue’s isiZulu word is ngiyeke. Ngiyeke is “leave me alone”.

A very long time ago, I had mumps (uZagiga) and my grandmother boiled the leaves of Idlebelendlovu – I don’t know what it is in English but I bet someone reading this does – and poured the liquid down my ear. She did this once the liquid had cooled down enough to be safe, of course.

Anyway, I think that’s what happened. It was a long time ago and that treatment could have been for something else. This is not the point of my column. The point is that some people believe to cure uZagiga, you have to walk to the top of a hill and scream, “Zagiga, Zagiga,ngiyeke! Zagiga, Zagiga,ngiyeke!” Wow. What madness is that? How can screaming, “Mumps, mumps, leave me alone!” cure you? Even as a seven-year-old, I would have known my grandma had lost it if she had said I should do that.

Well, it turns out some people really did fall for this, as a few friends confirmed that they had to scream, “Zagiga, Zagiga,ngiyeke” when struck by a bout of uZagiga. I am judging them. Judging them so hard.

Should these hapless souls catch Covid-19 – God forbid – I would not be shocked if they went to their local Chinatown and screamed, “Covid-19, corona, ngiyeke! Covid-19, Covid-19, ngiyeke!”

Then you have the ones that say you have to hit your affected cheek against the bark of Umganu (marula tree) three times, while doing the “Zagiga, Zagiga,ngiyeke” chant. These ones are going to hit themselves with Mike or Phuma sneakers while saying “Covid-19, Covid-19, ngiyeke”.

Anyway, Covid-19 is not a Chinese problem. It’s everybody’s problem. Stay safe out there. Actually, no, don’t be out there. Stay home.

– Melusi’s #everydayzulu by Melusi Tshabalala

Verbatim

Sara Wallace Goodman @ThatSaraGoodman

I guess we’re about to find out which meetings could’ve been emails after all...

Aisha Baker @bakedonline

A woman older than me just called me aunty at the Woolies queue. I nearly took my crocs off and jumped her.

Tom Dante @Trader_Dante

If your kids ask you one day: “Where were you during the great crash of 2020”, just make sure you don’t have to say: “I was demo trading it”.

Colleen Doran @ColleenDoran

I have been washing my hands so much my skin is like paper. And yet they still smell like smoked salmon from that bagel I ate. There is a science here I do not understand.

Charlotte Clymer @cmclymer

2020 TIME Person of the Year: Grocery Store Employee.

Lize Hartley @lizetheunicorn

Are we ready for the fact that if Afrikaans people fall pregnant during voluntary isolation, they are going to name their children Coroné and Covidna?

Brigid Delaney @BrigidWD

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I am now yelling at my parents for going out.

Jazmine Duke @jazminepduke

A generation that brags about cancelling plans shouldn’t struggle this hard with social distancing.

Panic implies that there is no rational thought taking place. That we are frozen and incapable of adjusting. Powerless to logic, and subject to seemingly unthinkable behaviour.

– Anthony Scaramucci, former White House communications director (1964 - )