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May, 2010
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Contents
Contributions:
1
Trepidation:
2
Artwork by Kelly Rose Pflung-Back:
3
Shining Night by Ashley Gayle:
4
Anxiety by Sinead St.John:
5
Stress Index:
6-7
Effects of Marijuana: Safe Hitchhiking Tips
8 by Sinead St. John and Justine Rogers (Photo by Breila von Holstein- Rathlo)
Effects of Alcohol Condom Packets Collage by Breila von Holstein- Rathlo:
9 10 11-12
Tips on Dealing with Anxiety
13
Effects of Smoking
14
Recipes for less by Emma Balaban (Art by Kelly Rose Plung-Back)
15
Counselours by Carrie Holmes (Art by Alli [top])
16
Reducing the Risk
17
Death & A Day in My Life... by Krystal Bible (“Death” photo by Jamie Rogers)
18
Untitled by Sinead St. John
19
Front cover by Breila von Holstein- Rathlo Back cover by Alli
Contributions: Carrie Holms, October Grimm, Sinead St. John, Breila Von Holstein-Rathlor, Crystal Palarca, Ashley Gayle, Beki Leuschner, Emma Balaban, Krystal Bible, Kelly Rose Plung-Back and Emily Rutledge, Justine Rogers, Jamie Rogers, Alli Condom Pockets Dylan Kings Coat-Jones, October Grimm, Heather Hamilton-Wright, Ryan Price, Peal Van Geest, Breila von Holstein- Rathlo
Designed & Edited By: Demetrix and Breila von Holstein- Rathlo
Trepidation “I will go home tonight.”
than them and they can taste in my stuttered words. I didn’t even wait to hear their response to my lame question. Is it my darting eyes, which refuse to return their gaze? Fuck! I lean against I say this more as an affirmation than a statement. I try and imagthe door and slide down onto the floor as I begin to tingle in my ine me walking into my house and sitting down with my newly extremities. I desperately grab at the nearest cushion to smother acquired roommates on our delightfully ferruginous couch; my hyperventilating breath. I feel as I am going to die at any moregaling them with some comical anecdote from the day. ment but I don’t call out for help. I accept my fate. As I walk up the driveway mechanically, engulfed in my fantasy I catch a glimpse of the lights beaming out through the kitchen windows. My heart catapults through my chest, seemingly cracking my sternum. I catch myself in a sense of panic. I clutch my self close to the stone retaining wall and try and slow my breath. Telling myself all the positive things I can muster up in the whirling moment: I can do this, they are not judging me, and they are my equals, my comrades even. I force myself off the wall and trot up the pale wooden stairs listening and counting the voices that I must face within the brick structure. I gasp inward as I propel the door open.
Out of my peripheral I can see the green LED lights change position on the clock and soon the panic subsides. I am faint of heart and damp with sweat as I stand back up. I wipe my face and walk to the kitchen where I find my roommates huddled around a steaming freshly baked cake. I inhale deeply taking in the aroma of the kitchen and the people in it, the welcoming color of yellow on the walls bathing the room in warmth. I am present. I am here. I will not brush people aside out of fear. “Yay! Beki’s here! You have to try this new recipe I got. It’s vegan mocha crumble cake,” she pronounces as she thrusts a piece of cake in my direction.
“Hi guys,” I sputter as I kick off my Birks, “digging the weather?”
It’s curious how social anxiety can make you misconstrue the most amiable or most unimportant of A low indiscernible utterance messages for judgement and even comes from the room as I quickly cruelty, not realizing this usually dart to my refuge. The creaking of only comes from within and is selfmy door makes my face flush as perpetuating. Well, for now it’s over. I surely know they are listening. I The jailhouse constructed by my own take in the state of my room and try and convince myself that I neurosis has been demolished, unleashing the fiends that plant am safe as a flop onto my yellow comforter; but there is no comthese negative thoughts; I can finally think clearly. I couldn’t stop fort. All I can think of is my social ineptitude. Why did I bring up the panic this time, but every time it happens I get a little the weather? I’m a well read person I tell myself. Why did I fumble better at controlling it, at breathing, and staying positive. with the markedly pedestrian weather? A tumultuous roar of laughter comes from the dining area. I turn off all the fans and heaters in my room to take in what they’re saying about me. I turn the lights off and pretend I’m sleeping but before long I find myself before the bedroom door. I thought I heard my name. I need to know why. I push the hair away from my ear and place it lightly against the lacquered surface of the door. I’m fucking marked. They know I’m different
With time and dedication I’m sure it won’t happen every week, maybe it won’t happen at all.
(Beki Leuschner)
‘Shining Night’ I want you.
I want you to crawl inside of me and open me up.
By: Ashley Gayle
but have been bound for a time too long. Get under my skin and rip away from me the layers of me that have always belonged to you.
Crawl deep inside of my iron fortress, and soften the edges of these stone cold walls.
Own me, but free me.
Bring with you a sheild;
Chain me, but release me.
one strong enough to withstand my most fear-driven weaknesses.
Feel me. Want me. Breathe in the air that I exhale,
Bring with you a flame; one hot enough that it will heat me in my entirety, and make me forget the darkness that filled me before. Bring with you a sword; one sharp enough to cut through the tangled vines that imprison my purity of heart. Bring with you a horse; one fast and wild enough to carry me away.
and then give me freshened breaths. Do not trample on my inhibitions. Be patient with my hands, which long to touch,
Place me throne,
on
your
if only for a minute. Taste me. Consume me, and leave me only what I need.
In fact, nothing will ever help you. You will never feel better. You will always filled up with horrible feelings. You’ll always be shaky, and scared, and lonely... starting to feel anxious? Okay. Now. Breathe deep. No, not like that. From the belly, all the way up to the chest.
Anxiety
Got it yet? Still need a few minutes? Okay, take your time. Now, what were you thinking about? Those damn negative thoughts? ‘Kay, now think again about those things that make you feel so awful. What are they? School? Work? Family? Friends? Your own self, and all its flaws?
Anxiety evokes many feelings; excessive or ongoing tension and worry, restlessness, irritability, irrational and unrealistic views on problems, difficulty concentrating, trembling, trouble falling or staying asleep, nausea, and sweating. In other words, it sucks the life out of you, and leaves you a trembling shell. When anxious, you are no longer you: you are a mess. A nervous, sickly, scared-shitless, shaky little being who feels absolutely helpless, worthless, and unable to deal with anything. No cause, unless of course you want to blame genetics (isn’t it nice to just blame everything on genetics), environment, or, of course, brain chemistry. But just pop some pills, you’ll feel
better...though it may take a long time to even find the correct medication, and then, the correct dosage. These pills, in case you’re wondering, are supposed to help, and may very well do that...to a degree. But there’s no cure, and no longterm relief. Symptoms can and will recur. And there are side effects to this medication, some of which include sleepiness, weight gain, and a dependency on the drug. Not that I’m trying to deter you from taking them - go ahead if you think it’ll make you feel better. But do not expect a total recovery, because that won’t happen. It most certainly is not a quick fix, or a fix at all.
Now, while you breathe, think again about them...not as bad as you thought at first, right? HA! See? Told you. Breathing can do some amazing shit. So, there’s a coping strategy. Something other than meds that can make your anxiety shut down. And that, by the way, is a quick fix. You need to look at things from a realistic point of view, and realize that, at that particular time of feeling anxious, you aren’t rational. You’re blowing it out of proportion. Breathe deep, think it through, and feel better? Okay? Promise?
Sinéad Melancholy
Safe Hitchhiking Tips for Long and Short Trips t
Take a good look at the driver and ask where they are going
t
Keep pack on you at all times
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If you bring drugs or alcohol, keep them concealed if you’re in the car or on the side of the road
t
Regardless of how desperate you are to be picked up, always listen to your gut feeling
t
Look for signs of drinking or drugs in the car
t
Keep hidden if sleeping outside
t
All hitchhikers (especially females) should travel in pairs
t
t
Do not get into a car with more than one guy, as it can prove to be quite dangerous
Be prepared – bring a compass, First Aid kit, blanket, map of the area, etc.
t
Be ready to walk a LOT
Keep the mood wholesome; try to ask about their family, and mention your own (whether imaginary or not)
t
Bring wool socks, and comfortable walking shoes
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Wear polyester, as it keeps you warmer than cotton, especially at night or in the rain
t
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Stay happy, regardless of the driver’s mood
t
Ask to be dropped in a good spot, where it will be easy to get another ride
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Try to agree where to be dropped off so that you don’t wind up in a bad place
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If possible, try to sit in the back; don’t sit in front of someone you don’t know, because things happen and it could be dangerous
t
Try to keep valuables on you rather than in your pack
t
If you sit in the back, be sure that the child lock is off so that you can get out easily
t
Be wary of the laws; it’s illegal to walk in some areas, such as on highways or particular roads
If possible, take a picture of the license plate or send it in a message to a friend so that someone will know the last car that you’ve been in—Lor se consed mod et
t
t
Dress in layers, with the heavier layer on top to shield you
Call friends or family and tell them exactly where you are when you make pit-stops
t
Find a place where you can be seen easily
t
On-ramp is your best bet for getting picked up
t
Wear bright clothing so that drivers can see you easily
t
Now stick out your thumb, and go
t
Bring garbage bags to clean up after yourself, as well as to use for rain protection
t
Be as friendly and as normal as possible; put your Mohawk down, cover ripped clothing – dress down
t
Bring water canteens and fill them as much as you can – stay hydrated
t
Keep a hat and sunscreen to protect you from the sun
t
Bring a weapon that you’re comfortable, but keep it hidden yet easy to access
t
Do NOT threaten driver unless threatened first
t
Be polite and courteous
Keep food and drink, and replenish your supplies whenever you can
A Taste Of Poverty Origin: This recipe came from my mom when she was in Art College in Barrie, living off whatever any roommates would bring home. Sometimes all there was, was some knock-off mac and cheese and a random can of tuna. No matter though, it was hot and it hit the spot! Dates back about 30 years now.
Recipe: Barrie Dinner Start with 1 package Kraft Dinner Prepared to the directions, ( *or however we have all improvised it Then add
Recipe: Famous Reb Chili Con Carne Origin: My grandma has been making this for me, since I can remember. It’s always been a family favourite. It’s one of my ALL time favourites. It’s a sweet chili, and it’s super easy and FANTASTIC on spaghetti ( if you want to make it a more wholesome meal, we always ask for it now, ever since a combination left-over share. I really, HIGHLY recommend it on spaghetti. ) One of the best recipes, EVER.
1/4 tsp Pepper ( I love my Grandma, she always measures out everything perfectly. For this, you can do it to your own tastes. ) 1/2 Oregano ( or italian seasoning, whatever you’ve got. Just a quick shot! ( lol. ) 2 10 oz can tomato soup ( So, 2 of them regular sized ones. ) 2 14oz can kidney beans ( of it you have one that’s chickpeas, or whatever. Just 2 kinds of beans. )
Ingredients.
1 can cream of something soup, 1/2 cup Milk ( *or if you only have some random sourcream just thin it out with a bit of water ;) ) Along with 1 cup chopped Ham ( or cooked chicken, a can of tuna (drained), *1 cup of chopped MEAT. ) And toss in Some chopped onion, maybe a can of peas or any other cooked veggies you like! ( * I usually buy that really cheap frozen veg mix, and add about 1 cup worth, it gives it a pretty good variety!!)
1c Chopped onion
Directions.
Mix it all up, AND BAKE!
2 tbsp Butter ( or vegetable oil if you don’t have it. )
Sautee onions in butter/oil until transparent. Add beef and cook until brown. Add remaining ingredients. Cover and simmer until thickened - about 20 minutes. Stir often, you don’t want it to burn.
after mixing all the contents, give it a try, maybe add a pinch of salt. Throw it all in a lasagna pan, or something that will survive in an oven. Cook at 350 Degrees F for about 25-30mins or just until the top starts to get a tiny bit crunchy. You don’t want it to be runny at all when you go to serve it. It’s SOOOO GOOD. Still one of my all TIME FAVOURITES!
1 1/2 lbs ground beef ( I’ve literally busted up hamburgers, it’s no different, just make it really small bits. ) 1 tbsp Chili Powder 1 tsp Salt, ( or to taste, I’m a salt fan, personally. )
(Recipes by Emma Balaban)
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal develop- ment, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes. Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them. Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization. Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicat- ing with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another’s emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others’ feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor’s remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena. Mis Carrie Holmes
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Death Going crazy Trying to be sane Don't know how to deal with this unbearable pain Machetes through my heart It's just a great big game Love equals loss I'd rather hate everyone and them do the same So many enemies So little friends But that is my life And I'll live it 'till the end Cause I, know I'll die soon It's in my blood I'll die in a fire Or in a flood Either way it will end in death With a gun shot to the head Or an OD on meth. Krystal Bible
A day in my life... All alone Yet surrounded by the human race Walking together Yet going at a different pace Long conversations Yet not saying a word Visions perfect Yet everything's blurred Sky is clear Yet pouring down rain Tons of joy Yet full of pain Silent screams Yet I hear them loud All alone Yet in a crowd Krystal Bible
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Zombie Uncle Sam: http://colorado.indymedia.org/node/2193
New Mentality Guelph newmentalityguelph@gmail.com