Uncoupling – a guide to separation

Uncoupling, An Insider’s Guide to Separation in New Zealand

Barbara Relph talks about a book she wrote on separation and how to survive it.

Barbara Relph*

Impossibly complicated with far reaching tentacles, I know from experience that separation from your spouse is indeed a tricky business. Clients face many legal and financial decisions outside their sphere of knowledge or competence while working through a maelstrom of emotions and change. What, for example, is the effect of a family trust on relationship assets? How is a claim for economic disparity calculated? And in the most basic terms, what are your legal rights?

I began my three-year journey to financial separation with no stable income source and no established career path – I was frankly in more than a bit of a pickle. Popping out the other side in 2020, midpandemic, I had the makings of an unexpected and very different life. I have recently published a practical, plain English guide to help others step through the stages of separation, written specifically for the New Zealand market.

Following the premise “do as I say, don’t do as I did”, Uncoupling, an insider’s guide to separation in New Zealand addresses the issues faced by anyone coping with separation. I appointed Antonia Fisher QC to act for me, and at our first meeting she said to me that “the real pain of separation begins now”. I can testify that whatever went on before was just the warm-up as the emotional roller coaster rode to the top of the hill. The constant pressure of not having clarity about your financial position while haemorrhaging professional fees through months of just waiting uses a lot of your personal RAM.

From the perspective of a client of the system, despite generally being pragmatic and sensible, I found myself asking my barrister questions she couldn’t possibly know the answer to. Reflecting on how frustrating this must be to practitioners of family law, a key point in Uncoupling is that your lawyer is not a counsellor (or a mind reader).

Apart from being sensible, I am also highly organised. Even so, I didn’t have all my information in order, nor did I present it to Antonia in a logical sequence. Why? I didn’t think about it. Again, in my book I recommend to future clients to be organised, write their relationship history down in a clear progression of dates and facts, and have key information and documents on hand.

Having been loosely involved in the legal world for much of my working life, I thought I’d be pretty good at being a client. I wasn’t. I angsted and I second-guessed. Antonia almost reprimanded me – “You hired me to give you my expert advice. When you get that advice, I recommend you take it.” She was right. I now recommend to clients, in Uncoupling, that they take the advice of their lawyers unless they have a good reason not to.

Still on the law, I researched and collated an outline of the law in New Zealand as it relates to the two main areas of conflict in a separation – division of property, and children. I also compiled an explanation of the paths to resolution available in New Zealand, noting that many resolutions involve more than one path.

Outside of the legal process, there are so many opportunities for growth through separation. Finding a way to communicate with your former partner to avoid escalating conflict as you work towards financial separation is a big one which can truly affect the success or otherwise of not just negotiations, but your future parenting success, regardless of how old your children are.

With lives turned upside down, often in almost every way, Uncoupling considers what the next phase of life might look like, not a subject for a chat with your lawyer. This might include budgeting and good financial management, assessing career options and changes, and the social side of the “new you”. Taking care of yourself and taking control of your new life includes avoiding travelling the same path again – and protecting your assets should you find yourself in a new relationship. Why is a new will is needed? What is the value of a Contracting Out Agreement?

The widely publicised overburdening of family lawyers with new clients seeking advice on separation and divorce post-Covid will no doubt experience a further surge this Christmas, as with every Christmas. Tis the season. If you have clients working through the uncoupling process, at any stage of a separation, Uncoupling is an excellent first resource. If I do say so myself.

* Barbara Relph is a writer, editor, and proof-reader with more than 25 years’ experience. She can be emailed at barbara@barbararelph.com/ . Email Barbara to purchase Uncoupling, an insider’s guide to separation in New Zealand at the discounted price of $25 (RRP $35). Uncoupling is also available from www.uncoupling.guide or from Paper Plus or independent bookshops. www.barbararelph.com.