Petrol Heads’ Corner by David O’Neill*

I wrote this while sitting at home, blowing bubbles in a bubble and restrained under the alert level 4 lockdown. Consequently, I hadn’t had a chance to drive anything.

I never thought I would see the day when I would get excited about driving to the supermarket. We rotated the cars to make sure they could both start and I confess that pulling out of the drive gave me that little frisson of excitement. Tragic!

Targa Bambina

However, pre-lockdown, I was able to take part in the Targa Bambina which was run on the 6th, 7th and 8th of March. It was based in Hamilton, which was a bonus because I could go home to my own bed at night.

It was a very small field. I’m not sure why (maybe some of them could foretell what was going to happen). Nonetheless, it didn’t make the driving any less fun. We were in class 4 of the competition. This is for all cars under 2 litres, irrespective of age. My only other competitor was a 2017 Toyota 86 GT. To say they are in different eras is understating it. This car can turn on a dime, out-accelerate me and has brakes bigger than my wheels. Added to that is the fact the driver is very good and very quick.

He, unfortunately, decided that he couldn’t be bothered going left or right at the T junction, went straight ahead and punched his car into the bank on the other side of the road, thereby ending his Targa prematurely. He was several minutes ahead of me and could have put the car in reverse and got home quicker than I could have.

As a consequence, I was first in class 4. I’m positive it’s the slowest class winning car ever in the history of Targa. I am sure I’m going fast but my times say otherwise.

Be that as it may, I think I’m going fast which is the main thing and I didn’t crash, which he did. Unfortunately, crashes are something that happen in racing. They say there are those drivers that have crashed and those drivers that are going to crash. There is no middle ground.

Lockdown Driving

As a result of Covid-19 I decided to do some driving of my own in my secure location. I put my thinking cap on, got the juices running and decided to undertake a Le Mans style start to the race by sprinting across the lounge and leaping into my virtual car.

A push of the button saw the car roar to life and I slapped it into first, spun the wheel to the left and roared out of the lounge down the hallway. The tyres weren’t warm so the first corner into the bedroom was taken a little bit wide with the back end starting to slide forwards the Armco on the bedside cabinet. Fortunately, the car straightened up and was able to tear round the bedroom, swiping the apex on the other end of the bed and then out the same door and back down the hallway.

Taking the hallway corner into the dining room was always going to be tricky, as the apex was blocked somewhat by a schoolbag, which meant that I had to go wider than necessary. Racing across the carpet I encountered a new surface which was the cork flooring in the kitchen and family room.

The corner into the family room was extremely tight and on this new medium, the car started slipping sideways and clipped the pantry door before it careered into the couch and then spun wide into the middle of the family room, reducing the coffee table to splinters.

I was able to restart the car, whipped it into reverse, backed away from the coffee table, ripped off round the couches and back into the kitchen with a quick circuit around the cat bowl and then into the dining room and back towards the lounge where it all started.

Being Le Mans, this was to be a 24 hour race, so I decided to retire the car for dinner and then, having eaten and drunk my fill, hopped back into my virtual car and proceeded to race again. After a few wines, the progress became somewhat more hectic with haphazard cornering, wandering across the straights meandering down paths and the coffee table in the family room was again reduced to splinters (reconstructed for the virtual race).

By about 10pm, halfway through the race, I felt the need for a driver change and tossed the keys to my virtual partner and went to bed.

The next day I re-joined the race, the car was in one piece and we started to push hard towards the finish. The finish line came up after many, many laps. The car was running well despite a bit of panel damage and we coasted over the line first (and last) because we were the only car in this particular race. The crowd went wild………

As you can see, Covid-19 isolation lockdown allows the imagination to run amok. When coupled with cabin fever [and, it would seem, the odd wine – Sub-Ed], it can lurch quietly out of control.

My favourite drives

I thought I’d end this article with a comment on some of the favourite cars that I have driven in reviewing cars. These are in no particular order and are really in classes.

The best luxury car

This would have to be the Rolls Royce Phantom. Despite the fact that it had a wheel skinnier than Twiggy and coupled with the fact that it was made of hard plastic, this was the most luxurious vehicle I have ever sat in. Its size is something else; the cabin is like someone’s lounge. There really isn’t anything quite like it that I have ever been in. I have been in many luxury cars but nothing as luxurious as the Phantom. Coupled with the V12 motor, which does make this beast get up and go, it would have to be one of the favourites of the oil companies. It uses petrol at a prodigious rate, and I imagine the servicing costs are stupendous. Despite that, it deserves the tag of being the most luxurious car in the world.

Best sports car

I’ve driven several sports cars in my time. I have had the pleasure of driving the Audi RS5, Audi R8, Audi TT and Porsche 911 Carrera. To be quite frank, it’s a toss-up between the Porsche 911 and the Audi TT. The Porsche was a very easy car to drive. You can go down and get your milk and then go for a blast in the hills. It didn’t carry anybody in the back, but does that really matter? You’re not buying it so you can lug the kids off to school. The Porsche was very quick, handled beautifully, was beautifully finished and really is one of the dream cars, in my mind, that I could drive.

The Audi TT is a different car altogether. This was a 2 litre turbo 4 cylinder front wheel drive car. It’s quite small but it had the most unbelievable handling. I was lucky enough to be able to take it over the Kopu-Hikuai hills and back on the way to and from the Coromandel. It was so much fun. I have to admit that I went over there by myself and on the way back I was able to pass a couple of cars and had an empty road in front of me. There was a pesky little VW Golf GTi chasing me, but he soon fell away because this car could out handle the GTi by a significant margin. It left me with a wide smile plastered across my face. It was a thrilling and fun-filled drive without any undue drama.

SUV

I have driven the various Audis, SQ7 and SQ5, Bentley Bentayga, BMW X7, X5 and X3, Land Rover Discovery Sport and the Jaguar F Pace and also the Range Rovers.

Each one of them provided a different experience. The Bentley was uber luxurious, had oodles of power, lashings of wood and leather and was able to cosset you in every possible way.

The BMWs were exquisitely finished and did all the right things. The Jaguar F Pace was great until you had to go and fill it up halfway through your journey. It consumed petrol like nothing else that I have ever experienced – even the Rolls.

The Range Rovers were very nice. I thought the Velar was probably the best looking of all of the SUVs. The Evoque’s a bit small for me. The Vogue was put on this earth to consume petrol. However, the one that I really liked the most was the Audi SQ7. It does everything you want, goes like stink and has masses of driver aids which ensures that this large SUV handles like a car.

We don’t need a car the size of an SQ7 and have found the SQ5 to be perfect for what we want, but if you are looking for a large SUV, in my view, you can’t go past that SQ7. It makes all the right noises and consumes oodles and oodles of luggage.

My favourite sedan/family car

I have to admit to a bit of bias here. My favourite family car is the Audi RS6. I have always wanted one and I have now got one and I love it. It’s got a heap of space in the rear end. You can fill it up with garbage, drop that off at the dump, go and pick up your parents from the rest home and toss their walkers into the back and then once you have done the prodigal son bit, take off for a good fang in the hills.

There’s nothing else that quite beats it. The Audi RS4 is too small, the Jaguar XE was okay and most of the cars that Lexus produce likewise. The Mercedes AMG E43 was luxurious but didn’t spin my wheels.

All in all, I really like the Audi RS6. If you can afford one, you’ll never regret it. It’s got more power than you’ll ever need, and it makes the most satisfying roar when you put your foot down. I have to say that it’s probably the quickest road going car that I’ve ever driven. I haven’t driven a Tesla yet but I’m sure that can probably beat what I’ve got. My retort to that is – so what. There’s no joy in going like the clappers and all you hear is a quiet whizz noise. Doesn’t stir my blood………….

Suffice to say none of these cars are cheap. I confess that I don’t really want to drive cheap cars. I would rather drive expensive cars because I enjoy driving nice cars. By the same token if anybody wants me to actually review any particular sort of car, then let me know and I’ll happily arrange for a test drive [that is not what you said when I asked you to review the Prius – I believe you said something about dead bodies. Possibly mine. – Sub-Ed]. I do have contacts within the motor industry so that I can obtain various vehicles from various dealers or headquarters around the country to test.

The various HQ’s in NZ know that At the Bar is a valuable marketing platform for them (so long as I like the car).

My favourite seat

I can’t leave this article without mentioning seats. We all sit in them to drive, they haven’t discovered a way to get drivers to stand yet and a comfy seat is important, especially for a long journey. Every one of this make had the most comfortable seats I have ever sat in.

I have to say, I have sat in a lot of cars. Apart from my old Citroen BX16, these cars are the only cars that have beaten that for comfort. In the old Citroen you could drive from Hamilton to Wellington and arrive feeling refreshed. They were exceptionally good seats.

The Lexus range of motorcars that I drove and reported on, back in 2017, had the most amazing seats. I was probably driving the top of the range versions with the all the bells and whistles, but these had leather seats which enclosed you in every possible way, heating up in the cold and blowing cool air in the heat and are something else. When I include all the seats I have sat on, I also include the Bentley and the Rolls Royce. Lexus have the best seats – end of story!

I do hope that this is the last time I have to dream up a virtual drive. I am ever optimistic that now we are out of lock down, we will never return to it and I will be back taking one for the team, by testing some of the best vehicles around.

Stay safe and stay well.

* David O’Neill is a Hamilton barrister, the NZBA treasurer and a driving fanatic. While we have been concerned about David's well being during lockdown, we are pleased to report he has recovered nicely from driving deprivation and is again mobile.

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