Crush of the Week

— Michelle Yeoh

Michelle Yeoh Choo Kheng PSM, say her name, is nothing short of an actual goddess. She’s been in the industry for 20 years, but has she received anything but dust since then? Fuck no.

Until now!

She won, the world is healing and I believe in love again. Michelle, if you’re reading this, I want to let you know that I’m single and I have a lot to offer. Nothing that amazing but there’s a lot of things there. I’ve been in love with you and I want you to see me in my best light. I’m a rugby player and I have university degrees. Yes you heard that right. Don’t ask what they are, baby just say yes.

Their words

[Oscar’s Edition]

— Ke Huy Quan made me cry during his post interview

*satanic imagery and occult symbolism*

— Doja Cat. I can’t anymore

“Fuck that bitch”

— Angela Bassett. Probably

Numberific [News in numbers] the age of kids that’ll never quite be old enough to vote. Tehe, shame you kids

Of the 572 participants at Avonside School, 21 students described incidents of sexual assault that “ended in rape or near rape”.

The amount of people that attended the Women’s rugby world cup final. With a massive viewers at home. GET IT!

Years since the first polyfest. This year’s theme is ‘mana motuhake’ which translates to creating one’s own destiny.

Oh hey. Guess you finally decided to show up. What do you mean how did I get in here? Isn't it obvious from the backdraft you're getting that I shimmied through the air vent? It was a very tight fit, at one point there was too much friction and I got a penile erection which sort of jammed me in there. Couldn't move around too quickly for fear of ruining my good job interview pants*. But I could ask the same thing to you, mister! Not the ** thing, the thing about what the HECK you are FUCKING doing here so late? Yes, I know you’re early, per the insane parameters of your archaic time keeping methods, but on time is late which means early is on time which means super duper early is early and a little bit early is basically late so you better explain yourself at the post-interview meeting. Okay, where to begin... I would be perfect for this job. I mean, televisual shmarketing? I’M YOUR GUY! Wait, that isn’t what this interview’s for? Okay, I’m perfect for whatever that is then. Given my excellent conversation skills and huge giant cock, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I am a high value gentleman. Given my high value gentlemanism, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I am somewhat overqualified for this job, and given my overqualification, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I should be paid a LOT. Like, a LOT. Like, a not insignificant amount. Like Meryl Streep Mamma Mia Money, Money, Money money. Like the amount of money where one could, say, purchase the land across from the local Wendys and start a rival franchise because of that BITCH at the counter who wouldn’t give me the secret menu item that I did extensive research on via my hairdresser! He said SPECIFICALLY that if you say to the person at the counter ‘Can I get an Anal Fissure?’ and spin around with your finger in your nose and cluck like a chicken and give him 20 dollars then they HAVE to give you a burger burger (which is of course a burger in between two buns in between two buns). She told me that I had to leave and I told her ‘You stupid bitch. You’re the one who should leave. You are wasting away here, you need to be free to do what you want. What do you want, Rebecca?!’ She responded, inspiration in her eyes, ‘I want to start my own franchise that’s basically Wendy’s except its called Rebecca’s and all the patties are pentagon shaped.’ So yeah, that’s pretty much my whole motivation in getting this job. I would not be good for it AT ALL but I gotta help out that total bitch Rebecca. *with cum. **cum

Cheeky 10

10 Ryan Hamilton ����

[reasons why Hamilton is the worst city in Aotearoa]

9. If it were a colour, it would be beige

8. “City of the future” but doesn’t have buses that run on time.

7. Bader

6. Nawton

5. There’s no parking at Wintec Te Pukenga. Make it make sense.

4. Our mighty awa is paru as a motherfucker. Christ it’s yuck.

3. We were able to rally and get rid of Von Tempsky street. Only for them not to actually get rid of the name. Side eye

2. The main street is made up of shit cones (come on now) and it’s just slowing us all the fuck down.

1. Imagine being named the chlamydia capital for years. I know the joke is played out but there’s some truth to the madness there.

As a means of proving that cool shit actually happens in Tauranga, our team over there went snooping at the Toga Party to snap these pics. Nice.

Solomon's Gold Chocolate Factory Tour: Go and see how they make chocolate? Maybe? March 28th @ 2:00pm - 2:30pm

1 Macrae Avenue Mount Maunganui, 3116 New Zealand

Lani & Logans Top Local Eats:

- Master Kong (Fish Baos and Edamame beans 8/10)

- Rice Rice Baby (Crispy pork spring rolls 9/10)

- The Nourished Eatery Cafe (sweet treats always hit home)

Tauranga Moana Pride Week capped off with Pride Picnic in Coronation Park

That’s how event organisers have described Tauranga’s Pride Picnic over the weekend with hundreds turning up to the familyfriendly event. Last Saturday, attendees were treated to performances from drag artists and musicians

Coronation Park

Farmers’ market selling freshly-baked bread, vegan pastries, kombucha, honey, specialty meats plus local fruit and vegetables.

Te Papa O Ngā Manu Poro- takataka New Zealand

- Roxies Red-Hot Cantina & Taco Joint (Tacos 8/10 and Tequila Sunrise - the corona one 11/10)

- Clark Road Kitchen (phat pieces of caramelised onion in their savoury scones give me life)

Us Kiwis are pretty great at nearly everything. We've nailed creating C- list celebrities, vorteke's, and arguably pavlova. However, we have our weaknesses; our most prominent being casual dating. It's either a forgotten name or a marriage kinda thing over herethe inbetween is, quite frankly, no man's land. Who am I to comment on this, you may wonder? Well, I've been on more first dates than the actual bachelorette. Second dates? Now, that's a touchy subject. The inability to 'just see where things go' for more than one night out of the bedroom ceases to be the forbidden fruit of our generation. Actually, no, not just ours- did I mention it? I'm dating with my mum.

I know what you're thinking, and it's not as great/messed up (whatever you're into, I guess) as it sounds. Although far too often than I'm comfortable with, we have had the same guy go for both of us, knowing our relations; we are dating separately, simultaneously. Not going to lie–she's quite the milf, so her genuine success rate is higher than mine, but we are thoroughly disappointed with everyone's inability to casually date hence our single status. You'd have thought the twenty-year gap would have allowed her dates to learn, grow, and be more trained in acting like a human she might want to see again. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and to make matters worse, the age gap also does not phase the people I date who are often too excited to hang out with their potential mother-in-law.

Dating apps are by far the easiest way to prove our point. The fish photos don't seem to expire at the age of thirty. Alongside our least favourite catches of the day are the classic hunting, group and BMX pictures which have led to us being catfished big time. We thought the catfishing issue may have been eliminated with the release of Hinge, which forces users to answer prompts, record their voice and enter their height- but it turns out it's pretty easy to lie, and in turn, making us feel shallow and too polite to bring it up by the time we are face to face. Let's call these dates category (A). They don't get too many people falling into their trap and tend to get obsessed after a single date. Category (B), however, consists of a dating profile of Film photos (usually pictured with their hot 'cousin'), and they're too cool for school spotify linked to their dating profile. These fine specimens will charm you, play it cool, fool you into thinking they actually listen to elevator music, promise to see you again and then disappear into thin air once things become slightly serious (I'm blaming the Bermuda Triangle!).

It does not get better in real life, either. I've often ignored my friend's criticism when showing them who I'll be meeting and used the excuse, 'Oh, I'm sure they are better in real life!' more than the number of stars in the sky, and I've been proven wrong every time. Forget banter, though; one date managed to pee himself on my bedroom carpet picking me up for dinner (He didn't address it, Nor did I, we went to dinner, and I'll never forget the smell). I like to think that I made him nervous as hell, but after dinner spent talking about pokemon cards and myself pretending to be interested (a skill I've now mastered), I concluded that as much as I could act like it, he wasn't the one for me *act shocked*. I then went home and scrubbed the pee out of my carpet. Not quite the spicy night I imagined.

Many of you would argue that dating apps aren't the place to find someone you actually want to date, but dating in the wild is far more terrifying. What do you mean I can't stalk your tagged photos before I give you my number? It's a double-edged sword- like, what do you mean you're asking me out for a drink without seeing my thirst traps? Also, the line between whether they are being friendly or actually flirting is quite impossible to see, especially when being attracted to all genders. This confusion often leads my mother and me into the trap of attracting love bombers. They draw the line of how they feel very loudly and clearly, creating the cause of us believing that anyone doing any less is not interested and, on reflection, possibly the root of all of our issues.

In case you're thinking about it too, I have looked in the mirror and wondered if I'm the problem. I have the attention span of a fiveyear-old, and my only strategy when it comes to dating is to make the other person feel so awkward that they get confused and call it love (works a charm, FYI). However, I'm aware of my flaws and willing to negotiate. For example, I'll pretend I'm not allergic to your cat or that I like that you work out (dad bods for the win, sorry!).

So, if you don't hit on my mum, want someone who won't bat an eyelid if you piss yourself on the first date, and now knows a lot about Pikachu, I might be the one for you. So avoid the fish photos and don't lie about your height; you might have a chance- with me (or my mum!).

Jak: Liam, how the bloody hell are you? How are things going?

Liam: Yo! Things are well man, can’t complain. Happy to be here.

Jak: Do you have some kind of process that you use for creating? How do you start?

Liam: To some extent it can differ between the sort of work, but something I find I always incorporate in my process is the idea of experimentation. I never really know how things are going to look, or if it’s even going to work until I’ve begun trying new things. It’s a way to keep things looking and feeling exciting, for the client and myself. Many times you end up heading in a completely new direction that you only found from experimenting in the first place.

Jak: Explain to me your style without using any design or art terms.

Liam: This may seem super broad but I always aim to create work that’s interesting to look at, something that’s going to steal your attention whether you like it or not. I think this comes from the big idea over all, the core of what you’re making. Being able to have work that’s refined and sleek is a skill, don’t get me wrong, but you need something captivating going on in the first place. A way of putting my style perhaps is like a horror movie. Something you’re scared of but can’t keep your eyes off.

Jak: Do you really think anyone can be an artist?

Liam: Most definitely. I don’t want to sound too cliche here but art is expressive. Everyone can, and should, do something creative from time to time. The art doesn’t have to be good, or even work you show off to anyone—it’s just good for you. I don’t have the facts here but trust me.

Jak: What’s the overall goal? Do you think that you’re going to be an artist as a career path?

Liam: Ideally yeah, that’d be great. I feel like I dabble in a few things creatively, if I can find a way to merge design and art, music, even fashion? I’ll be stoked. Though even in my spare time I feel like I’m doing this already, hopefully that’s a good sign.

Jak: What’s your favourite current trend in design?

Jak: So tell me, what is one of your earliest memories of being an artist? Is there some villain origin story?

Liam: Haha funny you ask actually. I recently found an old drawing I did as a youngster of Spider-Man. I feel like we all would’ve been the same here but I was drawing and doodling all the time as a kid. My parents probably have far too many masterpieces hidden away. Addressing the second half of that question, I’m currently in my villain arc, thanks for asking.

Liam: I’ve been seeing a lot of 3D rendering for typography which is killer. Actually for everything, it looks fantastic. I feel like I’m still pretty far off from even wanting to know how this is done yet, but I’m happy observing for the time being. Besides that I really want to experiment with risograph printing, that’s trending for good reason currently.