The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
National Foster Parent Association
NationalAdvocate
NFPA Supports Foster Parents in Safety, Permanency and Wellbeing For the Children and Youth in Their Care July Issue 2012
• A look at Autism • L K for the Survey • Don’t forget to PLAY • 2012 Conference Memories
To see a presentation on the statistics of Foster Care in the U.S., click HERE
2012 NFPA AWARD WINNERS: •
Foster Family of the Year - JOHN & DIANA ALEJOS, Nacogdoches, Texas
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State Foster Parent Association of the Year - Foster & Adoptive Family Services, New Jersey
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Local Foster Parent Association of the Year - Foster & Adoptive Family Services County Volunteer Committee, Middlesex County, New Jersey
•
Social Worker of the Year - GIA WESLEY, Kent, Washington
•
Gordon Evans Merit Award for Service to NFPA - CAROLYN WALKER, Jacksonville, Texas
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General Service Recognition - VANESSA TYRUS, Jacksonville, Illinois
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NFPA Regional Vice President Award - RANDY RUTH, Region 5 - Minnesota
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State Membership Award - GLADYS BOYD, Illinois Foster & Adoptive Parent Association
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President’s Award - SUE DONDIEGO, Plant City, Florida
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@NFPAOnline www.nfpaonline.org Click on the NFPA Logo at the bottom of each page to return to the Table Of Contents on Page 2 www.nfpaonline.org
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
T A B L E Of C o n t e n t s Page # 2
NFPA News • face2face Page 3 • NFPA Partners With Foster Parent College Page 4 • Board of Directors Page 6 • Friends of NFPA Page 7 • NFPA Committee Chair /Responsibilities Page 7 • Board of Directors Schedule Page 10 • NFPA Survey of Families Pages 11, 21 • NFPA Advertising Policy Page 18 • NFPA Board Member Visits Washington Page 18 • Join NFPA Page 19 • Friends of NFPA Page 19 • NFPA Blog Page 20 • NFPA Works With Page 34 • 2012 Conference Memories Page 41 •
Featured Articles • Autism Pages 4, 25. 22-25 • Value of Play Page 13 • Wisdom of a Teen, Eyes of a Child Page 14 • Water Page 15 • Book Review Page 17 • IRS News Page 20 • Mom Stress Page 27-28 • 5 Ways to Prevent Summer Learning Loss Page 29 • Bullying Page 30 • Rebuilding Closeness Pages 31-32 • The Power of Play Page 33 • Education Q’s & A’s Pages 36-38 Just For Fun • How to REALLY Love a Child Page 5 • Lifebooks Page 8 • ABC’s of Happiness Page 10 • Life is Good Page 12 • Did You Know? Page 16 • Children Learn What They Live Page 26 • Just a Little Boy Page 35 • Consider This Page 35 www.nfpaonline.org
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
face2face With NFPA President, Irene Clements
Dear Foster Parents and Friends, Although it is good to be home after a week in the beautiful Chicago area for the National Foster Parent Association’s 42nd Annual Education Conference, I am missing the smiling faces of those who attended and the camaraderie we all developed as the conference progressed. Thanks a million to the Illinois Foster and Adoptive Parent Association and the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services for their assistance prior to and during the conference and for encouraging and supporting Illinois foster parents to attend the conference. What a fantastic group of people! Thanks to our exhibitors for supporting NFPA while informing conference attendees and offering some great buys. Sincere appreciation also goes to our conference keynote speakers and workshop presenters. The quality of the presentations was shared enthusiastically after each session. Of course, the NFPA Conference Committee was key to this year’s success and they deserve kudos for their many jobs well done. For those who were not there to experience this fantastic conference, you are invited to experience even better next year in June in Long Beach, California, as our Conference Committee continues to raise the bar and our California leadership brings their ideas and enthusiasm to conference planning and implementation. Generous donations from our conference attendees through our Silent Auction, two quilt raffles (beautiful quilts made and donated by the National Grange) and two 50/50 cash events raised $3500 for the NFPA Youth Scholarship Fund. If you want to help build this fund, please donate. Biological, adopted and foster children of NFPA members are eligible to receive scholarships. The number and amount of scholarships depends on the amount of funds raised. NFPA committees are looking for some new members to assist with the work of NFPA as we provide the national voice of foster parents. If you are ready to step out in advocacy, we can use your time and talents. Go to our website and contact the Chair of the Committee you are interested in as you will find contact information for all members of the Board on the website. As president of NFPA, I would love to hear from you. Your ideas and recommendations for a better NFPA and a better foster care system are always welcome. You can email me at iclements@nfpaonline.org. Be safe. Be well. Be happy. Be courageous. Irene Clements, President, NFPA
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
NATIONAL FOSTER PARENT ASSOCIATION AND
The National Foster Parent Association is pleased to announce our partnership with FosterPaentCollege. com, a premier provider of online education for Foster families. FosterParentCollege.com offers evidence based, interactive, multimedia classes taught by respected professionals. The classes are easy to use, affordable, self-paced, and available 24/7 for your convenience. Training courses include: • Reactive Attachment Disorder • Substance-Exposed Infants • Grief & Loss in the Care System • Positive Parenting • Culturally Competent Parenting • And many more... You can learn more about the training courses offered, or if you are ready to register now for an account at FPC - http://www.nfpaonline.org/fpc FosterParentCollege.com is proud to support NFPA, and you can support NFPA as well while receiving your training online. Thanks to this new agreement, FPC will make a donation to NFPA of 10% of the purchase price of all FPC classes you take. Be sure to use this link to assure NFPA will receive the donation: http://www.nfpaonline. org/fpc NOTE; Thousands of agencies across the country accept training credits received on FPC. Confirm your agency accepts FPC training before taking a class if you plan to use FPC to meet your training requirements. Learn more about FosterParentCollege.com by visiting the NFPA website. Page # 4
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‘The Unspoken Truth About Autism’ Doctor reveals new ideas, treatment for children with Autism http://www.prnewschannel.com/2012/03/22/doctorreveals-new-ideas-treatment-for-children-with-autism/ May 3, 2012 "The Unspoken Truth About Autism" By Dr. Karen Savlov Autism is a disorder that is not easily understood, despite its widespread presence in children. In “The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders” (ISBN 1461195004), Dr. Karen Savlov presents a new explanation for the etiology of autism that disputes commonly held views. Although the origin is unknown, the majority of professionals working with or researching autism consider it to be a brain disorder. Due to this perspective, clinical work generally focuses on techniques such as Applied Behavioral Analysis, sensory integration and social skills development. While this work should be commended, Savlov believes that the time is right to introduce a new stateof-the-art work called Attachment Relational Therapy (ART). Savlov believes that the cause of autism stems from an incomplete attachment, a process that extends over the first two to three years of life. She states that children who fall into this incomplete attachment are waiting for the attachment process to be completed. Savlov hypothesizes that the child remains in this incomplete state of attachment until the caregiver can respond appropriately to help the child to complete the attachment process. From this viewpoint, the child with autism has varying degrees of dissociation and lacks a sense of self-agency, which prohibits the child from relating to others. She explains that the child can be mobilized to use him or herself in relationships with others through the use of empathy, understanding, acceptance, recognition and validation. “A child with autism does the best he or she can to cope with this predicament,” Savlov says. “Actions typical of autism, like the flapping of arms, nonverbal communication and a general lack of responsiveness, make more sense when viewed through the lens of an incomplete attachment.” Continues on Page 25
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How to REALLY love a child!
Be there. Say Yes as often as you can. Let them bang on pots and pans. If they’re crabby, put them in water to play. Read books out loud with joy. Go find elephants and kiss them. Encourage silly. Giggle a lot. Remember how really small they are. Search out the positive. Keep the gleam in your eye. Go see a movie in your pyjamas. Teach feelings. Realize how important it is to be a child. Plan to build a rocketship. Stop yelling. Invent pleasures together. Surprise them. Express your love. A LOT. Children are Miraculous!
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
NFPA BOARD OF DIRECTORS
President
Irene Clements
Pflugerville, TX 78660
512-670-1024
irene-clements@att.net or iclements@nfpaonline.org
Vice President
Sue Dondiego
Plant City, FL 33656
908-307-5196
suefafafsfl@earthlink.net or sdondiego@nfpaonline.org
Secretary
Heather Hosmer
Tracy, CA 95377
209-834-0599
hhme@aol.com or nfpasecretary@yahoo.com
Treasurer
Aubrey Manuel
LA, CA 90037-2902
323-846-0007
aubreym@pacbell.net
Member at Large
Lana Freeman
Newcastle, OK 73065-5850
405-387-5052
lanaf73@gmail.com
Council of State Affiliates
Pat Llewellyn
Missoula, MT 59801
406-207-9398
twelvellewellyns@aol.com
Region 1 Vice President
Dorris Marshall
Quincy, MA 02169
671-472-6325
dmmarshall131@verizonnet
Region 1 Advisor
Jean Fiorito
Rocky Hill, CT
860-258-3400
jean.fiorito@cafap.com
Region 2 Vice President
Antoinette Cotman
South Ozone Pk, NY 11420
917-387-0195
ascoznprk@aol.com
Region 2 Advisor
Sarah Gerstenzng
Brooklyn, NY 11215
718-369-7363
sgerstenzang@nysccc.org
Region 3 Vice President
Michele Burnette
California, MD 20619
240-298-5825
burnettebunch@aol.com
Region 3 Advisor
John Bertulis
Ellicott City, MD
410-767-7561
JBertuli@dhr.state.md.us
Region 4 Vice President
Wanda Douglas
Charlotte, NC 28269
704-599-0052
wandadouglas@bellsouth.net
Region 4 Advisor
Kimberly Hernandez Tampa, FL 33625
813-956-6480
kimh@hcfpa.org mfcarandy@aol.com
Region 5 Vice President
Randy Ruth
Apple Valley, MN 55124-9541
612-849-0246
Region 5 Advisor
Josh Kroll
St. Paul, MN 55114
651-644-3036 x15
Region 6 Vice President
Lana Freeman
Newcastle, OK 73065-5850
405-387-5052
lanaf73@gmail.com
Region 6 Advisor
Terri Parsons
Austin, TX
512-438-4793
terri.parsons@dfps.state.tx.us
Region 7 Vice President
Pam Allen
Aurora, NE 68818
308-631-5847
nfapa@windstream.net
joshk@nacac.org
cory.rathbun@st-francis.org
Region 7 Advisor
Cory Rathbun
Salina, Kansas
785-825-0541 x 308
Region 8 Vice President
Corrie Player
Cedar City, UT 84720
435-327-1096
heavenhelpusbeourbest@gmail. com or cplayer@nfpaonline.org
Region 8 Advisor
Bonnie McNulty
Edgewater, CO 80214-1235
303-233-6216
bjmcnulty2@comcast.net
Region 9 Vice President
Ron Clanton
Phoenix, AZ 85032
602-867-9473
riclantonassociates@iglide.net
Region 9 Advisor
Bobby Rufus
Bakersfield, CA 93314
661-588-2146
cory-2@msn.com
235-232-9561
melodycurtiss@melodycurtiss.com
Region 10 Vice President
Juliane Rinard
Rathdrum, ID 83858
Region 10 Advisor
Melody Curtiss
Tacoma, WA 98446-3503
mustain2rinard@gmail.com
Implementations Chair
Randy Ruth
Burnsville, MN
612-849-0246
mfcarandy@aol.com
Diversity Chair
Lana Freeman
Newcastle, OK 73065-5850
405-387-5052
lanaf73@gmail.com lfreeman@nfpaonline.org
Nominations Chair
Bonnie McNulty
Edgewater, CO 80214-1235
303-233-6216
bjmcnulty2@comcast.net
Finance /Budget Chair
Jean Fiorito
Windsor Licks, CT 06096
860-258-3400
jean.fiorito@cafap.com
By Laws Chair
Peggy Kirby
Monroe, LA 71291
888-655-9564
kirp50@juno.com
Member Services Chair
LaShaun Wallace
Miramar, FL 33027
954-699-0844
tlashaun@gmail.com
Public Policy Chair
David Sharp
Birmingham, AL 35242
205-369-5167
dsld1@aol.com
Walk-Me-Home Cochair
Mike Canfield
Bremerton, WA 98311
360-377-1011
mkbeth@comcast.net
Walk-Me-Home Cochair
Buddy Hooper
Cullman, AL 35058
256-507-3273
yddube84@aol.com bhooper@nfpaonline.org
Conference Chair
Michele Burnett
California, MD 20619
240-288-5825
Resource Development Chair
Bob Dewhurst
Birmingham, AL
205-541-5655
drdewhurst@gmail.com
919-367-9301
sjdarbee@pobox.com
Board Development
Stacey Darbee
Apex, NC
Presidential Adviser
Patrick Jaggers
Houston, TX
Editor of NationalAdvocate
Carolyn Walker
Jacksonville, TX
IT & Web Master Dennis Seger Longmont, CO Region 1: Connecticut / Maine /Massachusetts /Rhode Island /Vermont Region 2: New Jersey /New York /Puerto Rico /Virgin Islands Region 3: District of Columbia /Delaware /Maryland /Pennsylvania / Virginia /West Virginia Region 4: Alabama /Florida /Georgia /Kentucky /Mississippi /North Carolina /South Carolina /Tennessee Region 5: Illinois /Indiana /Michigan /Minnesota /Ohio /Wisconsin
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patjaggers@aol.com 903-586-7103
gram@itsallGods.com
dseger@nfpaonline.org Region 6: Arkansas /Louisiana /Oklahoma /New Mexico /Texas Region 7: Iowa /Kansas /Missouri /Nebraska Region 8: Colorado /North Dakota /South Dakota /Montana /Utah / Wyoming Region 9: Arizona /California /Nevada /Hawaii /Guam /Samoa /Wake Island Region 10: Alaska /Idaho /Oregon /Washington
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
Meet the Friends of NFPA
NFPA is proud to list our generous supporters that have joined the Friends of NFPA program. Learn more about how to add your name to the list by becoming a Friend of NFPA! Friend of NFPA..........Friend Level Pamela Allen.......................... Advocate Member John Bertulis........................ Advocate Member Michelle Champion............... Hero Member Irene Clements...................... Hero Member Sue Dondiego....................... Advocate Member Jean Fiorito............................ Advocate Member Kalyani Gopal....................... Hero Member William ‘Buddy’ Hooper....... Advocate Member Peggy Kirby........................... Advocate Member
Pat Llewellyn......................... Advocate Member Doris Marshall...................... Advocate Member Mike Peterson....................... Advocate Member Phyllis Pierce........................ Advocate Member Corrie Lynne Player............... Advocate Member Rob Rinard, Jr...................... Advocate Member Dee Robinson........................ Advocate Member David Sharp........................... Advocate Member LaShaun Wallace .................. Hero Member
~ COMMITTEE RESPONSIBILITIES~
BYLAWS COMMITTEE Chair, Peggy Kirby a) Bylaws b) Policies & Procedures c) Board Manual NOMINATIONS COMMITTEE Chair, Bonnie McNulty a) Oversight of Nomination process BUDGET /FINANCE COMMITTEE Chair, Jean Fiorito a) Assist in development of annual budget b) Financial oversight c) Conduct Internal audit and secure external audit d) Develop relationships with philanthropic and corporate sources ADVOCACY /PUBLIC POLICY COMMITTEE Chair, David Sharp a) Advocacy & public policy at state & national levels b) Foster /adopt /kinship public policy c) National advocacy presents d) Helps maintain a roster of credible spokespersons e) Positive Statements f) NFPA Support of legislative issues BOARD DEVELOPMENT COMMITTEE Chair, Stacey Darbee a) Board activities -training, retreats, mentoring, orientation & recruitment of new Board members b) Identifies Board development resources, materials & workshops c) Networking & interaction during conference d) Youth voice representation on Board of Directors e) Staff Development f) Management of NFPA grievances MEMBER SERVICES Chair, LaShaun Wallace a) Scholarships & Awards b) Identifies training, educational materials & other supports & services needed by foster families
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c) Evaluates effectiveness of trainings & workshops d) Seeks new membership in all categories e) Seeks renewals of membership in all categories DIVERSITY Chair, Lana Freeman a) Be included on other committees for specific diversity issues b) Identifies materials, trainers, & workshops on diversity c) interact with Development Committee to bring diverse people into leadership of NFPA d) Develop liaisons to the diversity committees e) Interact with Development & Conference committees to include diversity topics in trainings IMPLEMENTATION Chair, Randy Ruth a) Coordinate efforts between committees b) Oversight of implementation of new programs & services c) Provide information or implementation efforts to Executive Committee RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT Chair, Bob Dewhurst a) See opportunities for diversification of funding b) Develop new programs to benefit NFPA & Membership c) Coordinate with other committees for program implementation d) Generate programs to increase operating income for NFPA CONFERENCE Chair, Michele Burnett a) See locations for educational conferences b) Coordinate all conference activities c) Coordinate call for presenters & assign workshops d) Coordinate registration, banquets, etc. WALK ME HOME Cochair: Buddy Hooper Cochair: Mike Canfield a) Assist with event planning b) Manage Walk Contracts c) Manage website donations
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http://www.byreflections.com Page # 8
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What Contributes to the Deterioration of America’s Schools?
B
aylor’s women’s basketball team was ranked number one throughout the entire season by the Associated Press, won an unprecedented 40 games and became the NCAA champions by beating Notre Dame. Just as there are criteria for determining the best college basketball teams, the same exists for schools. According to U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, “America’s education system is basically a 19th century model that is not preparing enough students to be successful in the 21st century economy.” In lieu of a 19th century education system or watered-down curriculum that reflects the minimum expectations of students, those schools that offer a rigorous curriculum have proven to be the standard for America’s best high schools. According to U.S. World and News Report, America’s best high schools are those that effectively meet the needs of their students or successfully serve all of them well regardless of their socioeconomic status. U.S. News measured the effectiveness of these schools based on their performance on the state’s reading and mathematics exams and a college readiness index based on the number of advanced placement or international baccalaureate courses taken as well as students’ performance on the national exams.
I
n a similar report, Newsweek noted that America’s best high schools are those schools that work hard to challenge students to take rigorous courses and tests in advanced placement (AP), international baccalaureate (IB) or Advanced International Certificate Education (AICE). As criteria, Newsweek used a college readiness index based on the number of students who took at least one of these courses and tests in their junior and senior years of high school. Research notes that students who take AP or IB courses and the respective tests do better in college than those students who do not take the courses. Organizations such as the Southern Regional Education Board recommend that policy makers expand these offering to underrepresented groups. To support this position, the U.S. Department of Education has provided competitive grants for school districts to expand the enrollment of these groups to reduce inequities. Without a rigorous curriculum in all America’s schools, an alarming number of students are “left behind.” As an intervention to ensure that all students get a well-rounded education, the Common Core State Standards were adopted by the National Governors Association Center for Best Practices and the Council of Chief State School Officers for elementary and secondary schools. Through the input of teachers, school administrators and other stakeholders across the political spectrum, the Common Core State Standards are shared across each state to provide students common understanding of what knowledge, skills and abilities they are expected to learn in subjects such as English language arts and mathematics in order for them to be competitive in a global economy. It also helps teachers and parents know what they need to do to help children perform and compete. Our children are the future leaders of America. We must ensure they are exposed to a rigorous curriculum and that they master the requirements of the curriculum. We must help children understand that the same characteristics required of an outstanding athlete such as dedication, determination and persistence are also required of a scholar. If we continue with a 19th century education system or watered-down curriculum, our schools will continue to deteriorate.
Dr. Ronald Holmes is the author of two books, Education Questions to be Answered and Current Issues and Answers in Education. He is the President of The Holmes Education Post, an education focused Internet newspaper. Holmes is the National Superintendent of Education for the National Save the Family Now Movement, Inc., a former teacher, school administrator, and district superintendent and can be reached at the following email address: rwh@theholmeseducationpost.com.
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HOUSTON – In a recent study of 9,000 preschoolers, less than 50 percent of children play outside on a daily basis, reports Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine. Karen Leis Welsh, an elementary teacher for more than 20 years, is out to change that. Through rhyme and bright illustration, Welsh’s debut book Frolicking Friends teaches kids the importance of reading and getting outside to play. Following a boy who can’t wait to get outside and play with his animal friends, Welsh entertains children’s imaginations and encourages them to start their own adventures. “I want children to know that there’s a whole world of fun outside of electronics,” says Welsh. “Too many kids sit inside playing video games all day, and they just don’t realize that they can enjoy life without them. I want to entertain kids while teaching them that adventures can be found anywhere: Outdoors, in a good book, you name it.” See Page 33 for more... The NFPA Board of Directors Monthly Conference Call Schedule for the remainder of 2012 • August 6th • September 10th • October 1st Monthly Conference Call Schedule for the year of 2013 • January 7th • February 4th • March 4th • April 1st • May 6th All calls begin promptly at 7:00 PM Central Time. Please contact the NFPA office for call-in instructions. Members of NFPA are welcome to join the calls. Face-to-face meetings of the Board of Directors will be held in Long Beach, California, on November 2-3, 2012 and June 4 & 7, 2013. Please note that visitors may join the Board of Directors call but they may not actively participate. If you would like to speak to a specific agenda item, please inform the chairman at the beginning of the meeting. Page # 10 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline
The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
NEWS...
NFPA SURVEY
Placement disruption is devastating not only to our fragile youth, but to the foster/resource parents who care for them. As we are all aware, most of the children and adolescents in our care suffer from mental health issues and/or substance abuse issues, but what we are willing to accept and how much we understand about the conditions can make a difference in the success of the placement. In order to begin to understand how to decrease the number of placement disruptions, it is essential that we gain insight on foster/resource parents’ preferences, views, and experiences related to mental health and substance abuse problems. In addition, we need to better understand how we (NFPA) can education /train families with every possible tool. To begin to gain information from foster/resource parents themselves, National Foster Parent Association (NFPA) is working with the Parents Translational Research Center (PTRC) at the Treatment Research Institute (TRI) to conduct a national survey of foster/resource parents’ views on adolescent alcohol and other drug use. WHAT IS EXPECTED FROM THE FOSTER PARENT? Foster/resource parents will be asked to complete a survey that will ask them questions about their fostering experiences and what they know and think about adolescent alcohol and other drug use. There will also be questions about their training experiences related to substance abuse and other child / adolescent issues like mental health.
The survey will take about 30-45 minutes to complete and parents will be paid $35 for their participation.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE DATA? Only research staff will be able to see the answers to questions and foster/resource parents name and address (used for payment) will be kept in a separate secure database. The data will be presented to the NFPA and at scholarly meetings but all the answers will be aggregated. WHAT HELP WOULD WE LIKE FROM YOU? Since this survey will be done completely online, through Email. NFPA is asking each state affiliate to email a recruitment letter from the scientists to the foster/resource parents in your state. The email will include a description of the study and an active link to an electronic survey. The email will be forwarded to our affiliates for distribution throughout the states. We will also need you to send out follow-up Emails periodically after the initial recruitment email. The follow-up emails will be sent out based on the response rate from foster/resource parents. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me or the principal scientist on the study: Dr. Övgü Kaynak at okaynak@tresearch.org. Thank you for your help with this study! We are very excited to be working with the PTRC on this important research. Sincerely, Irene Clements
Also see page 21
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
Written by a 90 year old This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio . "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short – enjoy it. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to be happy But it’s all up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive but don’t forget. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
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30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need. 42. The best is yet to come... 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
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The Value of Play When Kids Are Troubled Many techniques used by professionals with children who are struggling with grief, anger and other strong feelings can be used effectively by parents and early childhood professionals in a variety of situations. In Advance Play Therapy, Dee C. Ray recommends such responses to children as: • Verbally responding to what the child is doing, or tracking. This simply means stating what you as the adult observe: “You’re picking up the dinosaur,” or “You’re running all the way to the fence.” These statements indicate that you’re interested in what the child is doing. The fact that you’re making no judgment signals that you accept the child’s behavior. • Reflecting the content of a child’s comments. When you paraphrase what a child has told you, you clarify your understanding of what has happened, and more important, you have helped the child clarify her understanding of an event. Ray does not go into reasons for this, but as a parent, you may want to use this technique to get details about something that is troubling your child (a botched school assignment or a playground bully, for example). As a professional, you might use it to gather information about possible abuse or risks in the child’s environment. • Reflecting feelings. Ray encourages us to be careful when we interpret a child’s feelings even as she points out how valuable this technique can be in helping children identify and accept their emotions. For example, if a child says, “This place is stupid and I want to go home,” an appropriate response might be, “You’re angry about being here and you’d rather be at home.” • Helping kids make decisions and take responsibility. Because we should not do for kids what they can do for themselves, the author (whose responsibilities at the University of North Texas include teaching counseling) suggests responses like, “It’s up to you” when a child says, “What am I supposed to do?” And when a child asks you to do something he is capable of, Ray recommends an answer such as, “That looks like something you can do.” • Facilitating creativity and spontaneity. Because troubled kids are often, to quote Ray, “trapped in rigid ways of acting and thinking,” being encouraged to be creative can help them develop flexibility in both thought and action. She cites the example of a child asking what color a flower should be painted, recommending a response like, “Whatever color you want it to be.” • Encouraging kids to feel better about themselves. When we tell a child that we like her painting, we are reinforcing the message that our approval is important, says the author. Instead, she continues, focus on such esteem-building comments as, “You did it the way you wanted” and “You figured it out.” For more information, see Advanced Play Therapy: Essential Conditions, Knowledge and Skills for Child Practice, published by Routledge in 2011.
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With the Wisdom of a Teenager and the Eyes of a Child
punishment for us. It is a free gift if we will only accept His gift and place our trust in Him,” she related. Wanting to be sure that the kids understood what a sin was she gave each child a sheet of paper. “This is your free day to write down all your mistakes so that you can give them to God and ask As I write this I am sitting with my own father at MD His forgiveness. Your parents won’t punish you for anything Anderson in Houston, Texas. I am struck by the depravity you write on the paper or they’ll have to fill out their own of the whole situation. So many different people – people paper,” she joked. Then she said, “I’ll give you just a few of every age, walk of life, country, race, and background. minutes to write down your sins. It won’t take long because All with the same forced smile and deep resolve to win - to none of you have very many.” “We do!” piped up my eightfight the cancer and win. The concerned family members, year-old with a grin on his face. I can honestly say I am the the cheerful small talk and yet there is an undercurrent of proud parent of the only child who filled up both the front emotion that cannot be overlooked. Amongst the offices and and the back of his paper. (He only quit writing because halls sporting the names of wildflowers, the scenic pictures the children’s minister had to move on with the lesson.) At of mountains and sun-struck valleys, there is sadness, anger least my family knows what sin is. After all, isn’t that the and quiet desperation. It is organized and well-run, offering first step in accepting God’s grace? I recall this alongside the the most up-to-date treatments for a battle none of us ever faces of so many people in need of a little grace. Then I recall wants to face. And yet it is dismal, an all too close front-rowwhat it feels like to be a parent. You see something puzzling seat to our own mortality. We met a friend of my fathers in happens the moment kids turn thirteen. At twelve, they the elevator. I listened quietly – suddenly demoting myself think you have all the answers. They love you. They might to the complacent child I once was. “I really don’t think even hug you (as long as their friends aren’t around). But there’s much chance,” I heard my father say. “Of what?” his oh thirteen! What a milestone that is! Suddenly, you know friend innocently asked. “Survival.” “That’s the thing about nothing. They are the expert on all things. And yet, when this place,” his friend continued, undeterred, struggling with confronted by one of these all-seeing, all-knowing creatures cancer himself, “They don’t give up.” I wasn’t sure if it was you do not jump at the opportunity to be enlightened by wishful thinking on my part but I thought that I caught a their never-ending diatribe of useful information. Shocked, glimmer of hope in my father’s eyes. they are left to wait, somewhat impatiently, hoping instead that you might vicariously absorb some of their infinite Hope does serve a purpose. Although, I think we must be wisdom. Never mind the fact that you’ve been around for prudent with our hope. It may be bitterness on my part, a significantly longer time. You’ve seen more sunrises and but I can recall a doctor telling me that my mother could sunsets than they could imagine. It brings to mind the verse easily live twenty more years. She died a few short months in Job where Job questions God and the reply could be no later. All the same, well-placed hope can serve an invaluable more relevant today, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s purpose. It can provide strength to a soul once lost. foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a One evening, not so long ago, One evening, not so long ago, my ten-year-old measuring line across it?” For my ten-year-old daughter came to daughter came to me quite upset, eyes brimming with some reason when I read this me quite upset, eyes brimming tears – not quite ready to flow but armed none the less, it gives me peace. When I with tears – not quite ready to should they become useful. “She told me I was going to look at suffering or injustice flow but armed none the less, hell!” she accused her thirteen-year-old sister. It was in the world and wonder why, just another day in that paradise we call parenthood. should they become useful. “She I consider for a moment my told me I was going to hell!” she own thirteen-year-old who accused her thirteen-year-old sister. It was just another day questions my every move with sweet, naive defiance and I in that paradise we call parenthood. Call it reading too many wonder if God thinks the same of me. Granted He is strong, parenting books, but I turned it into a teachable moment. and kind and good. He can more than handle our questions That very night she prayed with me to receive Jesus Christ with a loving heart. But I can hear in His voice, the quiet as her Lord and Savior and this tragedy was turned into a underlying tone saying, “My child, why don’t you just trust testimony like no other ten-year-old I know. After placing me. Quit trying to hold up the world and know that I her trust in Christ, the next step was getting baptized. At have seen far more sunrises and sunsets than you can ever our church, that means taking an hour long class with the imagine. It is I who put the stars into place. I only allow you adults in your life who will claim you. Not to be outdone by to discover where they are and how long they’ve been there. his older sister, my eight-year-old boy was right along beside It is I who am in control. Your life, be it pain or gladness, is her wanting to be baptized as well. The children’s minister only but a breath, a fleeting moment submersed in eternity. flawlessly gave a brief and child-friendly version of her own Trust me, my child that you might live.” testimony. She had previously explained that we all sin and that died onoutthe cross forWhat all Works: of ourHow sins. “He took the StaceyJesus Addison Check Stacey’s book to Raise Amazing Kids in Spite of the Foster Care System at AmazingFosterKids.com or order online through Amazon or Barnes & Noble bookstores.
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FROM A CARDIAC SPECIALIST
Drinking water at certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body. • 2 Glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs • 1 Glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion • 1 Glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure • 1 Glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack Water - How 50% A Day Keeps the Fat Away RULE: MUST DRINK 1/2 BODY WEIGHT OR MORE IN OZ. OF WATER EVERY DAY!
Incredible as it may seem, water is quite possibly the single most important catalyst in losing weight and keeping it off. Although most of us take it for granted, water may be the only true “magic potion” for permanent weight loss. Water suppresses the appetite naturally and helps the body metabolize stored fat. Studies have shown that a decrease in water intake will cause fat deposits to increase, while an increase in water intake can actually reduce fat. Here’s why: The kidneys can’t function properly without enough water. When they don’t work to capacity, some of their load is dumped onto the liver. One of the liver’s primary functions is to metabolize stored fat into usable energy for the body. But if the liver has to do some of the kidney’s work, it can’t operate at full throttle. As a result, it metabolizes less fat; more fat remains stored in the body and weight loss stops. Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat for survival and begins to hold on to every drop. Water is stored in extra cellular spaces (outside the cells). This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands. Diuretics offer a temporary solution at best. They force out stored water along with some essential nutrients. Again, the body perceives a threat and will replace the lost water at the first opportunity. Thus, the condition quickly returns. The best way to overcome the problem of water retention is to give your body what it needs--plenty of water. Only then will stored water be released. If you have a consistent problem with water retention, excess salt may be to blame. Your body will tolerate sodium only in a certain concentration. The more salt you eat, the more water your system retains to dilute it. But getting rid of unneeded salt is easy--just drink more water. As it is forced through the kidneys it takes away excess sodium. The overweight person needs more water than the thin one. Larger people have larger metabolic loads. Since we know that water is the key to fat metabolism, it follows that the overweight person needs more water. Water helps to maintain proper muscle tone by giving muscles their natural ability to contract and by preventing dehydration. It also helps to prevent the sagging skin that usually follows weight loss. Water pumps the skin and leaves it clear, healthy and resilient. Water helps rid the body of waste. During weight loss, the body has a lot more waste to get rid of - all that metabolized fat must be shed. Again adequate water helps flush out the waste. Water can help relieve constipation. When the body gets too little water, it siphons what it needs from internal sources. The colon is one primary source. Result? Constipation. But when a person drinks enough water, normal bowel function usually returns. So far, we’ve discovered some remarkable things about water and weight loss: Retained water shows up as excess fat. To get rid of excess water, you must drink more water. Drinking water is essential to weight loss. How much water is enough? On the average, a person should drink eight (8 ounce) glasses every day, which are about 2 Quarts. However, the overweight person needs one additional glass for every 25 pounds of excess weight. The amount you drink also should be increased if you exercise briskly or if the weather is hot and dry. RULE: <160 LBS - Drink 8-10 glasses/day >160 lbs - Drink 10-14 glasses/day Water should preferably be cold--it’s absorbed into the system more quickly than warm water. And some evidence suggests that drinking cold water can actually help burn calories. When the body gets the water it needs to function optimally, its fluids are perfectly balanced. When this happens you have reached the “breakthrough point”. Endocrine gland function improves…Fluid retention is alleviated as stored water is lost…. More fat is used as fuel because the liver is free to metabolize stored fat. If you stop drinking enough water your body fluids will be thrown out of balance again, and you may experience fluid retention and unexplained weight gain. To remedy the situation, you’ll have to go back and force another “breakthrough”.
DRINK THE WATER!!!!!!!
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Did You Know? • Everyday more money is printed for the game Monopoly than the US Treasury. • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. • Coca-Cola was originally green. • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness - 28%; the percentage in North America that is still wilderness is 38%. • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour - 61.000 • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. • The first novel ever written on a typewriter is ‘Tom Sawyer.’ • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monument • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts Charlemagne; Clubs - Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar. • 111.111.111 x 111.111.111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thompson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later. • Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. • Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession. • If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’? One thousand. • What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? All were invented by women. • What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? Honey. • Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? Father’s Day. • In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress, tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phase...’Good night, sleep tight.’ • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years go that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his on-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartenders would yell at them, ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’. • Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic ups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice. • At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! You know you are living in 2012 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on the television has a website at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go back to get it. 9. You get up in the morning and go online of check your phone before getting your coffee. 10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) Page # 16
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BOOK REVIEW
‘The Foster Parenting Toolbox’
When I was asked to review. ‘The Foster Parenting Toolbox’, I thought to myself that the book would probably be boring since I have 27 years as a foster parent and 37 years in the child protection field as my background. After beginning to read the book, I quickly knew I was dead wrong! I didn’t want to put the book down until I had completed it. Where was this book when I was fostering and adopting children? Everyone involved in the child protection system needs to read this book, to include judges, attorneys ad lit em and therapists. This book is a true gift to the child protection system. Irene Clements, President, TFFA & NFPA
____________________________________________________________ This Was My House First I just finished a book that speaks to the feelings of biological children in a foster family. This is a work of fiction, but in the course of telling a compelling story, the author’s insights into the foster mother’s children and their feelings about their family being a foster family appears to be accurate and very informative. Certainly, the insights into the children placed into the foster family as foster children are also very accurate and disturbing. The author is a tenured foster parent and a special education teacher. As you read the story you will understand that she has probably used some situations that happened in her foster family to help illustrate her points. I found I couldn’t put the book down and wanted to continue reading the book to the surprising conclusion. I recommend this book to foster parents and also for children of foster parents, probably 4th graders and older. This book should create valuable discussions between foster parents and their biological children while providing insights into conversations foster parents should have with their very young children as they grow older. My ten year old granddaughter is reading the book and is really enjoying it. This is note worthy because she does not enjoy reading, so kudos to the author of this book. This Was My House First by Jenifer Stockdale, M. Ed. Copyright 2012 by Jenifer Stockdale ISBN: 978-1-105-10282-0
Published by Jenifer Stockdale
Printed and bound in the United States by CreateSpace https://www.createspace.com/3847384
____________________________________________________________ The Biological Kid’s Guide to Surviving Life in a Foster Home Jenifer has a Master’s Degree in Special Education and has worked with students ranging from emotional disturbances to behavioral disorders to intellectual disabilities. She is the mother of two grown children and has a beautiful six month old granddaughter. Jenifer was a foster parent to children for ten years and for adults for five years. She recently married her best friend. Jenifer wrote This Was My House First and The Biological Kid’s Guide to Surviving Life in a Foster Home because when her children were young, she couldn’t find any good resources for them about being the biological child in a foster home. She recently discovered that this is still the case, so she decided to write two books on the topic, one fiction and the other non-fiction. The Biological Kid’s Guide to Surviving Life in a Foster Home by Jenifer Stockdale, M. Ed. http://www.createspace.com/3847732
Book review by Irene Clements, President, TFFA & NFPA
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NFPAs NationalAdvocate Advertising Policy:
The National Foster Parent Association’s publication, the NationalAdvocate, is published quarterly (March, June, September, and December) and posted on the NFPA website. This publication is then available to the over 125,000 foster families, kinship families, and adoptive families and other resource families across the U.S. and to others interested in the foster care system. Ad’s are accepted by the issue or on an annual basis. Ad Requirements: • Ad must be camera ready and sent as an attachment, in PDF format, in an email to cwalker@nfpaonline.org or gram@itsallGods.com, the NFPA Editor. • Ads must be family friendly and will be published at the discretion of the Editor and the NFPA Communication Committee. • Deadline for Ad/article/information submission is the 15th of February, May, August, and November. • Payments are to be mailed to NFPA [2021 East Hennepin Avenue, Suite 320 / Minneapolis, MN 55413] and are expected within one week of submitting the Ad. Rates: Non-Member of NFPA • $300 for a single issue full-page Ad (8.5x11) • $175 for a single issue half-page Ad (8.5x5.5) OR • $900 for an Annual full-page Ad (all issues) • $500 for an Annual half-page Ad (all issues) Member of NFPA • $150 for a single issue full-page Ad (8.5x11) • $100 for a single issue half-page Ad (8.5x5.5) OR • $450 for an Annual full-page Ad (all issues) • $325 for an Annual half-page Ad (all issues) Annual rates may include a link on the NFPA website to the Advertiser’s website upon request of the Advertiser and approved by the Communication Committee Chair. Visit the NFPA website at www.nfpaonline.org for Membership. Page # 18
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NFPA Board Member David Sharp (Chairman of the Public Policy Committee) supported the National Foster Care Month of May by traveling to Washington D.C. and collaborating with, and advocating for, the FFTA (Foster Family based Treatment Association). He was invited to the White House to discuss critical Federal legislation, regulations, and upcoming reforms that are impacting treatment foster care. Administration officials, Congressional staff, policy experts, and advocates discussed with David how these policy issues are impacting States, agencies, and the children and families we serve. David represented the NFPA by attending an afternoon scheduled at the White House for an informational session with officials from the Administration, CMS, and the Academy of Pediatrics. He met with U.S. Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R) and U.S. Congressman Spencer Bachus (R) in their respective offices covering topics from the Congressional Caucus on Foster Youth (Cosponsored by Bachmann) to the Foster Parent Bill of Rights, and issues surrounding the FFTA Institute. Most Institute attendees are agency executives, program directors, and other professionals who are concerned with how public policy impacts funding and access to services. They attend the FFTA Institute to receive timely information on Federal policies, learn what other executives are experiencing in their own states, and bring their passion for helping children and youth to the steps of Capitol Hill. Some participants are experienced advocates and others are bringing the voice of vulnerable children to Capitol Hill for the very first time.
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Join NFPA as a Regular Member - Today! This level of membership is available to all foster parents, child welfare personnel, and individuals concerned with the welfare of children. Regular members have the right to vote on all matters brought to the members of the association, and each receives information about the national activities of the association. Cost: $35 a Year! REALLY! What a bargain!
Join now! OR you can show your support of NFPA by being a Friend of NFPA. Friends of NFPA has three areas of Support: • Friends of NFPA: ADVOCATE LEVEL
Fee: $15 per Month Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA Website Your Name or Company Name listed in the NFPA publication, The NationalAdvocate Automatic membership renewal every year.
• Friends of NFPA: HERO LEVEL
Fee: $25 per Month Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA Website Your Name or Company Name listed in the NFPA publication, The NationalAdvocate 10% Discount on NFPA Conference Registration Fee
• Friends of NFPA: CHAMPION LEVEL
Fee: $50 per Month Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA Website Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA publication, The NationalAdvocate 15% Discount on NFPA Conference Registration Fee FREE Subscription to Fostering Families Today magazine Invitation to Champions Reception at the Annual NFPA Conference
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made by the person actually providing the daily care for the child can the situation be investigated.
IRS News As the primary voluntary caretakers of children in foster care, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) allows foster parents to claim the children in their care on their federal taxes. However, in the past decade, in an effort to prevent divorced parents from both claiming children on their taxes, the IRS has begun requiring all parents to provide the children’s social security numbers on their tax forms.
This oversight in the regulations needs to be changed to ensure that a child’s actual caretaker, rather than a person who simply has access to the child’s social security number, receives the tax benefit. Fortunately, there is a straightforward solution that will fix the situation: expand the availability of Adoption Temporary Taxpayer Identification Numbers (ATIN) to foster parents.
According to a senior IRS official, this has resulted in a dramatic decrease in “double dipping” by divorced parents.
ATIN’s are routinely issued by the Internal Revenue Service as temporary taxpayer identification numbers where the pre‐adopting taxpayers will be adopting within the next two years and do not have and/or are unable to obtain the child’s Social Security Number. Allowing foster parents to request and receive ATIN’s would eliminate the need to obtain the child’s original social security number and permit foster parents to legitimately and appropriately claim tax deductions for children in their care. It would also protect the children’s privacy by limiting access to their social security numbers. This simple change would increase tax fairness for foster families, protect children, eliminate fraudulent claims by non‐custodial parents and would not have a large federal fiscal impact.
This new requirement has inadvertently prevented foster parents from claiming children in their care on their federal taxes because the Social Security Administration has a memorandum of understanding with states that prevents the states from sharing social security numbers with foster parents in an effort to protect children’s privacy. Foster parents cannot claim children without access to social security numbers. This means that any birth family member with the child’s social security number may claim the child on his taxes and there is no way to track or stop this. Only when a counter claim is
What’s A Blog?
‘A blog is a personal diary; A daily pulpit; A collaborative space; A political soapbox; A breaking-news outlet; A collection of links; Your own private thoughts; Memos to the world. A blog is whatever you want it to be. There are millions of them, in all shapes and sizes, and there are no real rules. In simple terms, a blog is a website, where you write stuff on an ongoing basis. New stuff shows up at the top, so visitors can read what’s new. Then they comment on it or link to it or email you. Or not. Since Blogger was launched in 1999, blogs have reshaped the web, impacted politics, shaken up journalism, and enabled millions of people to have a voice and connect with others. And we’re pretty sure the whole deal is just getting started.’
J
oin-in the NFPA Blog! For those of you unfamiliar with our blog it is a way for NFPA to communicate organizational information along with other information important to foster parents. The best thing about this blog is that it provides an opportunity for you to share information about fostering with other foster parents all over our country. Feel free to contribute information that you have read or post comments on what you feel are important issues facing foster parents today. Here is your opportunity to be heard. We look forward to some lively dialogue from all foster parents. Check it out HERE.
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The National Foster Parent Association (NFPA) is working with the Parents Translational Research Center (PTRC) at the Treatment Research Institute (TRI) to conduct a national survey of foster /resource parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; experiences and views on adolescent alcohol and other drug use. A survey link (to an electronic survey) should have arrived in your email Inbox the week of the NFPA National Education Conference (June 15-18). As a licensed /certified foster /resource parent, we want to know about your fostering experiences, what you know and think about adolescent alcohol and other drug use, and what types of training experiences you have had. The survey will take about 30-45 minutes to complete and you will be paid for your participation.
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Wondering About Autism: The Language of Autism This is a first installment in a series of articles on autism based on the book – The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders by Karen Savlov, Psy.D. Autism is like being trapped in a maze. Within this maze, it is dark and scary. You can see out, but no one can see in. You are in a perpetual state of terror with no access to others or a way out. You feel the walls closing in and can do nothing about it. You are screaming inside, but nobody can hear your screams. You are frantic. You keep running in circles to no avail. Alas, you run out of steam. It is futile, hopeless, and depressing. It is no use. No one can see you. You have become a lost child forever. You have become forgotten. Lost in a never-never land. It is a never-ending hell on earth. The only thing you can do is wait and hope that you will be discovered. Lisa, 19, is telling us about her experience with autism. As you can see she is very articulate about her experience. We have worked together for over seven years. When we first started working together she was highfunctioning, but had limited relationships with others. Today she attends college, has some friends and lives in a college dorm. Presently she would probably be diagnosed with Asperger’s. Her experience with autism can seem foreign to some and recognizable by others. We sense desperateness in her. She lives in a constant state of fear, which is exhibited by high levels of anxiety. She talks about feeling hopeless with no known way to manage her situation. Ironically, she can see outside of herself, but realizes others cannot see the inside of her. Thus, she feels forgotten and alone. Our job is to understand her predicament and help her to see herself and eventually not feel alone. Over the past 15 years, people beyond the autism community have become more and more aware of this disorder. We have also seen a shift with many more children receiving this diagnosis. I will not speculate why this is occurring and leave that up to others who are researching such trends. Within these articles, I will help to inform you of a new way to view autism and give you specific techniques to help you understand and manage those within your care that have an autism spectrum disorder. It is important to note that there are many different points of view about autism, what it is and is not. These writings will present an alternative minority point of view that at this time is not known by many inside and outside the autism community. This article will help to de-mystify the language of autism, the next article will discuss the treatment of autism spectrum disorders (ASD), the third will discuss a new look at the cause of autism and finally the last article will discuss how one actually relates to those with autism. I will use actual examples to help you apply the material in these articles. As a point of reference, I have had more than twenty-five years of experience working with those with autism and additionally I have had first-hand knowledge of how hard it is to live with autism. De-mystifying the Language of Autism To obtain one’s needs and to exist happily in one’s family, community, and beyond are dependent on the ability to verbally communicate directly. As non-autistic individuals, we can access words to communicate our needs and express our feelings. The child with ASD, depending on his functioning level, has anywhere from extremely limited (nonexistent in some) to some ability to ask for his needs to be met. When a lower-functioning individual with autism speaks, most would say that the communications of this individual appears bizarre, nonsensical, and not meaning driven. In actuality, these so-called bizarre communications are actually the only means of communication available to the child. In other words, his body is talking for him. It is critical for caregivers to recognize these communications for what they are—communications from the unconscious—and to develop techniques that appreciate understanding the child from this perspective. They are considered unconscious communications because the child in his dissociated state is unaware (unconscious) of the deeper meaning. Yet, when understood by Page # 22
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the caregiver at the deeper level, the child’s internal self will implicitly feel recognized and, in turn, the child will feel validated. Relational techniques that are used with people with autism such as DIR/Floortime, Reflective Network Therapy, and Attachment Relational Therapy are examples of treatment modalities that incorporate such techniques. The child with ASD is always telling us what is going on within him by his seemingly bizarre behavior. As caregivers, we need to learn to listen to these unconscious messages. Individuals with ASD communicate in many variations. Some with ASD are nonverbal, others will use echolalia, some reverse their pronouns, and others, as mentioned previously, simply appear “bizarre” in their communication. Those ways of communicating can easily make sense if we imagine a hierarchy of communication. As the child develops, we notice his communication moving from nonverbal, to echolalia (repeating what he hears), to metaphorical/symbolic communication, to the reversal of pronouns (the use of “you,” to mean “I”) then “me,” and finally “I”. There is overlap in this hierarchy—some children never appear, for example, to have been nonverbal or echolalia. Again, the type of communication used will depend on the general functioning level of the child. Keep in mind as you read this article that I am talking about autism as an attachment systems developmental disorder (This description will be discussed in the third article in this series). All our efforts will be to help the child with ASD develop a sustained attachment with you and others. Metaphorical Communication: Understanding the Dictionary of Autism Metaphorical communication is the means by which the individual with autism communicates. According to my understanding of autism, the physical body of the child becomes the means to communicate his daily needs and, interestingly as well, his metaphorical/developmental needs. Another example may be helpful. The typically developing child may say, “I want to spend time with you.” The child with ASD may not be able to ask for this, but instead, may hit the caregiver. From the caregiver’s perspective, this may feel like an assault. From my perspective, this may be the only means the child has at that moment to express his desire to spend time with the caregiver. Thus, the body becomes the vehicle, through the use of gestures, to communicate what cannot be communicated directly with words. Typically, this type of communication has two meanings: a concrete meaning, such as a desire to spend time with the caregiver, and a developmental need, such as the need for a “connection/attachment.” On the surface, this second need may seem similar to the first, but actually it is much deeper and fundamentally more important to the development of the child. This need to be deeply understood helps the child with autism acquire a sustained attachment with others. Unfortunately, for those with autism, they are typically only understood concretely and not at this metaphorically deeper level. Thus far, I have been talking about the use of gestures as the vehicle for communication for the individual with autism. As a child with ASD develops and begins to use words, we begin to observe metaphorical (symbolic) language. This type of language is different than the concrete use of language that most people are familiar with. Instead, it is entirely metaphoric and needs to be understood symbolically. As with the understanding of gestures, metaphoric language needs to be understood so the child can feel understood and develop. An example may be helpful to explain this phenomenon. In this case, a young girl would www.nfpaonline.org
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continuously repeat the phrase from a commercial, “I am Chiquita Banana and I am here to say….” She would stop and go no further with the commercial jingle and then repeat the phrase over and over again. Typically, someone working with this child might say, “You are not Chiquita Banana, you are Jane. Tell me your name, Jane.” Jane would persist with repeating the phrase, “I am Chiquita Banana and I am here to say….” We have an interaction that seems to go nowhere. What is Jane trying to tell us metaphorically? At first glance, it appears that Jane is repeating a commercial phrase she heard. It appears to be nonsensical. But from a metaphorical perspective, Jane is telling us exactly what is going on within her. She might be saying, “I am here, but I cannot say anything.” Thus, she is telling us, “I cannot communicate” by utilizing symbolic language from the unconscious. Jane needs her caregivers to appreciate this deeper meaning and give her feedback that they understand what she is saying metaphorically. It is this type of understanding that will help her gain a sustained attachment and develop beyond autism. How do we know how to interpret the metaphorical language of an individual with ASD? It takes practice and the understanding of the particular child over time. It will be an exercise in trial and error to know exactly what a particular child is trying to communicate. The child will let you know through his actions that he feels understood. One way to conceptualize this phenomenon is to think of autism as having a metaphorical dictionary that is different than meanings found in Websters’. Instead, this dictionary consists of meaningful gestures, metaphoric words, symbols, and even poetry. Once the child can be understood developmentally via metaphor, he will in turn be able to form an attachment and enter a more concrete world. Of course, the phenomenon of communicating on two levels is true for all human beings. The difference for the individual with ASD is that his development is dependent on being understood on both these levels. Interpreting Metaphorical Communication A child with autism is always communicating his state of existence. Unfortunately, for children with ASD, most typical individuals perceive these communications from their own lens. This population (individuals with ASD) does not have the ability to sustain an attachment with others, so we need to let go of our preconceived ideas of what we feel the child needs and, in turn, learn how to interpret the child’s bodily and metaphorical messages and so-called strange patterns of communication. In working with children with autism, many try to extinguish the “odd” behaviors of the child. In doing so, we are not understanding the message the child is trying to communicate through these behaviors. Unfortunately, we are helping him to feel misunderstood versus understood and unseen versus seen. Instead, these communications need to be understood within the context of a child who does not know how to sustain an attachment with others and cannot use himself to communicate. He cannot access his feelings and use them with others. Every behavior the child uses can be understood and must be understood so that the child can gain understanding and recognition, which are precursors to sustaining an attachment with others. Our work with the child with ASD is to understand, validate, accept, and recognize him. If the caregiver can recognize and see the child, then the child can start to see himself. Examples may help the reader to understand how the behaviors of an individual with ASD can be understood. I visited a three year-old nonverbal boy who had never been seen to play appropriately with his toys. In observing him, I noticed he was picking his lips. Instead of telling him to stop picking his lips, I said, “You are telling me that something is going on around your lips with your inability to talk.” He looked at me and then played appropriately Page # 24
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with a toy. I did not try to extinguish his behavior, but instead I validated something inside of him that resonated for him. He felt recognized, which allowed him to play appropriately. I worked with another boy who liked to watch videos. He had certain ones he wanted to make sure I saw. One day, he showed me a video that explained a complicated family dynamic. I interpreted the dynamic as it related to his family. As I was able to do that, he could begin to talk about his own personal experiences. These are examples of how one interprets and uses projection (to be discussed in the second article in this series) with children with ASD to help them gain access to their feelings. In conclusion, the perseverations, the out-of-context communications, the use of pronoun reversal, echolalia, and nonverbal communication can be understood through this new lens, which I call an Incomplete Attachment. Dr. Savlov is available for consultation and trainings (no fee). She welcomes and encourages your questions and comments. She can be reached through e-mail at karensavlov@gmail. com or at (310) 202-0114. She believes that dialogue leads to understanding. Her book – The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders is available on Amazon and Kindle.
Autism...Continued from Page 4 Savlov continues to tell us that “autism can inform our understanding of typical psychological development. In fact, autism can be viewed as a window into human development. In other words, autism is not only an attachment relational disorder, but it is also a sloweddown version of typical psychological development.” Savlov’s career has centered around autism for over 25 years, and she has seen research grow by leaps and bounds over that time. She hopes her readers consider her book a serious addition to the array of books in the field of autism, and that it can be used to provide caregivers/parents and professionals the practical knowledge that will help them in assisting children with autism. “The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders” is available for sale online at Amazon.com and through other channels.
specializes in autism spectrum disorders, depression and anxiety among other topics, and she is affiliated with the Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis. Savlov has worked for many years with children, adolescents and adults, providing individual treatment, trainings and support groups for those affected by autism as well as groups for college-age students with developmental disabilities. She has also worked at University of California, Los Angeles as the manager of organizational development. CONTACT Dr. Karen Savlov Email: karensavlov@gmail.com Phone: (310) 2020114 Website: www.karensavlov.com REVIEW COPIES AND INTERVIEWS ARE AVAILABLE###The views and opinions expressed in this press release do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of NFPA or its affiliates.
About the Author: Dr. Karen Savlov is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in psychoanalysis and practices in Los Angeles. She
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There are more ticks in more places than ever before. Tick encounter rates are soaring, and news reports exclaim that 2012 is expected to bring epic risks for Lyme disease transmission. Here are 5 key ways to keep yourself and family protected throughout the tick-infested summer months… “T” - Remove Ticks Safely To safely remove attached ticks, first disinfect the area with an alcohol swab. Next, using a pointy tweezer, grab the tick "head" as close to the skin as possible and simply pull straight out. Remember to disinfect the bite site again after pulling the tick out. “I” - Encourage Daily Tick Checks The best time to do a full body tick check is right after ending outdoor activity. A more convenient time would be as you prepare to shower or bathe before going to bed. Prompt removal of most species of ticks can prevent transmission of tick-borne pathogens. It takes more than 24-36 hours of attachment for nymphal deer ticks to transmit Lyme disease bacteria, and even longer to transmit Babesia parasites. “C” Wear Insect Shield® Tick Repellent Clothing Insect Shield’s EPA- registered technology converts clothing and gear into effective and convenient insect protection. The repellency is long-lasting and appropriate for use by the entire family with no restrictions for use. www.insectshield.com http://www.insectshield.com/work/ Casual-Wear-C18.aspx “K” Identify and Avoid Tick Habitats Shady, wooded and weedy edges are favorite spots for ticks to hang out. Avoiding tick habitats can be difficult but there are plenty of ways - such as always walking in the middle of maintained trails - to limit tick encounters. More: http://pitchengine.com/insectshieldrepellenttechnology/tick-battlecontinues-5-key-ways-to-help-avoid-disease-this-summer Contact: Janine Robertson 206-354-9093 marketing@insectshield.com
Children Learn What They Live If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child learns to feel shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself, He learns to find love in the world. By Dorothy Law Neite
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MODERN MOMS ARE STRESSED: I face so many challenges as a married mom of four, trying to build a company. We just never have a drama-free week. Forgotten meds, wrong shirt on field trip day, wrong clothes/shoes for after school sports. And then several times a year planning, traveling and handling the aftermath of family trips or an occasional weekend away with my husband. It’s a constant game of cat and mouse. When my phone rings and certain numbers crop up, I cringe. But I have to answer because I am a Mom. This week I was gone for 48 hours at a conference and my house did not run smoothly. There are too many “little catches” I make that cannot be explained in an instruction letter to the wonderful baby-sitter. I am not a creature of habit – I am a “catcher” by habit. I catch everyone’s problems and stresses. I am the absorber of stress. And when I answer the phone, there is always an issue requiring immediate attention. We need a “Modern Mom Code”: I’ve heard of a “man code” many times. Okay I get it, there are some unwritten rules that should be adhered to if you are a stand-up guy. I, for one, am a stressed-out working mom and I believe a “Mom’s code” could help us all. I sent a survey to 40 women and got lots of great responses. An important issue surfaced: working moms versus stay-at-home moms and could “the code” apply to both. I was a stay-at-home mom for 6 years. I left the work force when my oldest, at the time three and a half, needed open heart surgery. Then we ended up moving to Seoul, South Korea when we had four children, aged three months to five years old. So I was a stayat-home wife and mom and did not know if I would ever go back to the workforce. I was wildly busy trying to keep a sane life, living a foreign country. Now, back in the US for
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the past several years I have been trying to establish a business and I work non-stop as it is just getting off the ground. Dispelling a few myths: When I was a stay-at-home mom, these were some of the things I worried about: 1. All anyone asks about are my kids – how they are, camps, activities etc.. I ceased to be an individual on my own merits with interests and opinions. 2. I felt others expected me to help more at school as I didn’t have a job and the working moms had more important things to do. 3. My kids are far from perfect and since I was “at home” and this is my only job, I must not be a very good mom. As a working mom, I worry: 1. I have one of those “naughty children” despite very active parenting and I imagine the other moms saying, “maybe if she was home more, he would behave.” 2. I don’t have the time or ingredients to bake for the class. Sometimes I even buy cakes from the store, cut it into little pieces, add a berry and put in different packaging. 3. I get so caught up with work sometimes I forget things like parent-teacher conferences and field trips so I lay awake endlessly running to-do lists through my head. 4. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I worried working moms did not really respect me. Now that I am a working mom, I worry stay-at-home moms don’t respect me. But here is the truth -each side is just a little intimidated by the other. As a stay-at-home mom I wore a ponytail most days because I could squeeze in a rinse off shower but blow-drying took too much time. But I was in better shape because I got to work out. Working moms really struggle with making enough time
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to work out so they are constantly trying to shed that extra few pounds. Stay-at-home moms have to shed a few pounds because we eat our kids’ food. I didn’t eat Kraft macaroni and cheese for 15 years and I swore I would never feed it to my kids but they love it so I make it (a lot) and end up eating too much! Moms’ stress shows up as bitten and chipped fingernails and roots that need to be touched up. I guess the bottom line is stay-at-home and working moms are stressed out and largely about the same things, so we can all agree to one code? Proposed Modern “Mom Code”: • Lose some of the “judgy-ness”. No putting down a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. Everyone is where they are because of a journey. If you don’t know someone’s story, don’t put her down. • And, let’s have a little more openness about what being a “good mom” is – people have gone overboard making other moms feel bad about choices such as organic versus not, or watching TV or playing video games and using electronics. • And, limit the Mama Drama and handle issues as close to the source as possible so people don’t have to take sides – mommy wars are the worst. The drama makes us look bad as moms and women. • It’s okay and sometimes fun to talk about people but let’s have some limits. • Let’s get out and have fun. Make time for a girls’ night with a fun group at least every other month. There will always be a business trip or fever causing someone to cancel but make it as often as you can. We need to share a glass of wine and some stories. Carpooling and taking taxis are a good idea for Moms night out if people are drinking. The wine can disappear as the stories unfold. • Let’s Save her. Schedule
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glitches happen all the time and it may be one of the biggest stresses moms face. Put yourself out to help a mom when she misses something and is trying to recover- take a picture of her kid at the event, pick up one of her kids and take them to your house, stay with her child if she is late picking up from practice. See it as paying it forward and don’t keep score. Rejoice in her small successes and lessen her pain. When a proud mom talks about one of her kids’ accomplishments, respond with at least 1 statement acknowledging how wonderful her child is before you jump in with a proud story about one of yours. On the other hand, when a mom shares an awful story about one of her child’s misbehaviors and/or bad decisions respond immediately with an equally horrifying story about one of yours. Make her feel like a good Mom. If you see her child in a game, piano recital, anything… acknowledge her child. Just a “nice job” or “wow looking good” goes a long way and the Mom is endlessly grateful. None of our children are perfect. Have a group of friends you trust and really talk to. Share information about camps, school activities, volunteer information, doctors, etc.. Many activities or events are word of mouth and working moms may get left off the list. Let’s establish a non-competition clause. Build each other up instead of one-upping. Everyone has something they are good at and it is different for everyone – good athlete, good listener, good at her job, great with kids, etc.. Ask stay-at-home mom about her interests, social media participation, past jobs etc. Make the stay-at-home mom feel like more than Ethan’s Mom or Rich’s wife. She has opinions,
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interests and insights. Maybe share a weakness (my child won’t practice or always forgets the right shoes). We all share more issues than we think. Let’s all get a little more wired as Moms. Join the social media world even if you don’t want to – because your kids live there now. Staying safe on-line is becoming a bigger part of our parenting jobs and it is here to stay. Tech-savvy moms, get your friends up to speed. Just say no to pets at the wrong time. Family pets are great but they add a whole new level of drama to the house. They have allergies, ear infections, ticks and fleas, accidents, etc. It’s expensive in both time and money. If you do not want a dog right now, don’t get strongarmed by child begging for the puppy because yes, you will be taking care of 95% of the stuff associated with its care. Involve the husbands. Okay let’s talk a little about husbands… I love mine-- a lot in fact, but they are not usually the big helpers they think they are (but as part of the code, let’s not tell them). Nonetheless, we need more date nights. Our mates help us remember the women we are, and, romance is the ultimate stress reducer. Also remember, not all of us have husbands… include the single mom (for girls night out, not the date). She needs a night out and a friend more than anyone. Let’s band together against Mom tormentors. A few I can think of – coaches with no empathy, teachers who do not like children, customer service reps that don’t like people, apathetic government personnel who are supposed to help but instead torment us (TSA). Also when an airline passenger is giving a mother with small children the stink eye, give it right back to that person and help the overwhelmed Mom.
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It’s not always as it appears. I have one of those “naughty children” but I am not a bad parent. Be empathetic and try to get to know her child and notice something nice about him/ her. This mom frets every day about this child so your saying something nice actually gives her hope this child might be okay. If the mom is truly a bad parent, well… that is a different story. Go ahead and talk about her but be nice to her children. • Stand by your girlfriends when they experience momentary weakness. Every once in a while, everyone feels like they’ve been tossed in the gutter with her undone roots exposed to the world. She needs to vent and feel like someone understands her stress and angst. This does not count for drama-creating queens but for your friends in a bad moment. We all go through cycles – bad times are inevitable and everyone needs a reliable shoulder once in a while. And if your friend’s husband puts her down at a group event, come to her defense in a cheerful way. Or compliment her to remind him how lucky he is to have her. • We share 90% of the same issues but in different degrees. So let’s unite. Plan your girl’s night out. And if your husband says, “okay I’ll baby-sit,” just smile and store it away as another great story Eileen Wacker, a Harvard Business School graduate, lived and worked in seven different countries, including the United States. She commuted to Asia for nearly three years as part of a business development team, which sparked her interest in Asian culture. Wacker now resides in Honolulu, Hawaii, with her husband and four children, one of whom is a daughter adopted from China. For more information please visit her website: http://www.oncekids
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Top Five Ways to Prevent "Summer Learning Loss" & Support Your Child's Summertime Learning www.SummerMatters2You.net Read to your children, or encourage your children to read, books recommended by their teachers, your local library and online summer reading lists. Sign up for your library’s Summer Reading Program, which offers incentives for summer reading. Visit free local resources that are both entertaining and educational, such as libraries, parks, museums, universities and community centers. Play fun math and word games that turn everyday activities into learning opportunities. For example, have your kids add up prices at the store and see if they can tally up the final bill. When going on drives, challenge them to look for certain shapes, colors, letters or words on billboards and signs. Ask your children’s teachers to recommend online educational worksheets and activities that you can download for free. Turn off the TV (or at least limit the amount of screen time) and keep your kids moving with activities that encourage learning as well as physical activity. For example, organize a scavenger hunt that takes them around a local playground, park or museum.
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BULLYING DECODED: The Economics of Abuse BY EDWARD KASPAR
There is an incredible darkness surrounding the issue of bullying. It is a darkness of malice and of silence - malice on the part of bullies; silence on the part of those in charge, namely, the school boards and the police.
I was recently invited to take part in a radio talk show discussion on bullying on CKNX radio out of Ontario, Canada. The host, Bill Townsend, sent me an email before the show with a link to a story in the Toronto Sun (April 19 and 20). It would break the heart of any normal human being. A perfectly innocent 10 year old boy, Jake Gamble, had been blind-sided by a bully and suffered a serious concussion with possible life-long consequences. His mother said that Jake had “lost his smile”. It was a cowardly, evil act by an older boy who had a welldocumented history of bullying. It happened on school property. I was struck dumb by the enormity of the crime that had been committed and the absolutely inexcusable response of those in charge. Eventually, the victim and his family became ostracized by the school board -- silence fell -- go away with your questions and complaints, they were told -- they were no longer welcome at their neighborhood school. They had to find another.
Justice requires a proper answer to this crime and the thousands of others like it that are taking place under our watch. We are standing by helplessly, mouthing “zero tolerance” nonsense and doing absolutely nothing about it. Bill Townsend correctly pointed out that the school system went into “anti-litigation” mode. Well, they should be litigated into the real world so they open up and show us real programs in place that have real teeth in them. The bully in the Jake Gamble case was clearly a repeat offender. Aren’t they all? He had injured other children and was known to be a threat. But he had absolutely no reason to stop doing what he was doing. There had been no consequences.
Bullies love it that people are scared of them. They hurt people intentionally and they love that too. They are getting away with it and that is what they love most of all. We who are talking about it are accomplishing pretty much nothing -- we are talking to each other. Bullies
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could not care less about what we think of them. They mock us and our weepy hand-wringing. They sense our weakness.
Bullies are hooked on the thrill of causing another human being to suffer in some way. That is the transaction they seek: bring down someone in some way and consequently experience a thrill that is known only to disturbed souls. So, what can we, as a society, hope to do about this? In my book, BULLYING DECODED: The Economics of Abuse, I use harsh language and to-the-point street talk to shine a bright light on these miscreants and suggest (often tongue-in-cheek), what might be done to mitigate the damages that are always strewn in their wake. Early identification is the first step. Bullies get started early, and they are all serial offenders. Offenders should be required to attend counseling that is open to public review. It should deal with issues such as lack of self-esteem and narcissism and the perverted thrill that bullies seek because of their problems. The student body should be made aware at every level that bullies have “issues” with self esteem -they don’t like themselves and they take it out on others. The offenders who are required to be counseled daily should be known to all. It would be a deterrent. It would be all about accountability. It would be a measure of Justice.
The “anti-litigation” code of silence and inaction on the part of the school system must be broken. The process must be open. We all know what can come of ignoring evil -- the Catholic Church is paying a heavy price for that now and they are changing. We need to change things also. We need to protect the Jake Gambles of the world.
In conclusion I would say that this subject is so heartbreakingly dark that it seems to be overwhelming the national consciousness at the moment. That is probably due to the wide publicity these all-too-common crimes are receiving on the internet.
Perhaps we can make a difference. That is the hope.
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Emotional Projects—Rebuilding Closeness Step by Step
By Hand in Hand Founder, Patty Wipfler It’s trying when your child has upsets again and again over the same darned issue! Perhaps it’s being afraid to go into an upstairs room alone, refusing to share during play dates, hating homework, whining first thing every single morning, waking in the night, dawdling endlessly through every transition, or attacking a sibling again and again. You’ve got an emotional project on the table when your child does one nutty, difficult or out-of-touch thing again and again, and you’re coming to wits’ end. Both of you are involved—your child seems to have the problem, according to our time-honored tradition of pinning responsibility on children when they have difficulties. But when you look carefully, you realize that you, too, are emotionally spent. You have no patience, no new ideas, and at some point, you don’t want to understand your child. You just want him or her to stop. The one thing your child can’t do. She’s emotionally exhausted in this area, too. In an emotional project, both you and your child are caught in a downward spiral. Both you and your child need help. Couples have emotional projects; friends sometimes have emotional projects. No one is at fault—the difficulties are there to be solved, and it’s a waste to assign blame. However, it almost always feels like the other person is at fault, and should take the initiative to change things. That mindset is trouble. If the other person knew how to change things, they would. Your child would love to feel close and relaxed with you! She would love to feel safe in every room of your house. She would love to share her things with other children. She would love to jump in and do her homework, preserving more time for play in her afternoon and evening. She would love to sleep through the night, move easily with you through the day’s routine, and to enjoy and appreciate her sibling. She’s proven that, right now, she can’t. So it’s your move, Mom. Your move, Dad. At this ragged point, almost any move you make may be full of irritation. You’re going to expect the worst, rather than the best. Your teeth will be set on edge just by looking at your child, just by hearing her voice. So the first move you need to make is for help from another adult. Help! That thing all parents try so hard to do entirely without. It’s good to ask for help. It’s good to acknowledge that you’ve had it. It’s good to say, “I’m so mad I could spit nails!” or “I’m so worried about my son!” or “All he has to do is look at me wrong, and I fly off the handle.” This is what Listening Partnerships are for. This is the very smart first step in tackling an emotional project. Notice what goes on inside you. Don’t assume it’s your cross to bear. Find a listener, talk about it, and see if you can find the tears, find the fears, find the laughter as you let your Listening Partner know exactly what talk runs around in your mind, and what emotional heat runs through you. Release the feelings. Tell someone, and show them what enters your mind during these moments. It won’t be pretty, but it will be a relief not to deal with it all by yourself. Do this more than once. Weekly listening time is a good goal to shoot for. If it’s a big emotional project, that’s been festering for a long time, more frequent listening time might be in order. You’ll figure it out. In any case, don’t assume that there’s something wrong with you because you have asked for and arranged for help. We’re not supposed to do everything in our lives all by ourselves! In particular, parenting is a job that is almost never done better alone. When you need help, seek it out proudly. Seek it out persistently. Seek it out when you’re merely tired, long before you’ve uttered your very last patient sentence. Children who have emotional projects rarely finish them quickly. Emotional projects stem from fearful times, from illnesses, from times a parent was not able to help. And sometimes, they come from heaven knows where! But children don’t cook them up to be hard on us. They don’t want to be difficult. They don’t intend to drive us nuts. They have some kind of emotional thorn lodged deep within them that hurts them every single day. That’s what they’re telling us with their rigid, disruptive or unworkable behavior. Here are a few other pointers for building your Emotional Project strategy, so you and your child can face the issue that won’t go away. Give yourself the time it takes to figure out the underlying hurt on your side, and the underlying hurt on her side, release that hurt day by day and week by week, and grow back into an enjoyment of life, and of one another. 1) Ask for the help you need. When someone says no, cry or rage with a listener or by yourself, if you need to, and ask again. Sometimes it takes persistence to find the help we need! 2) Arrange regular listening time for yourself. Ask a friend. Ask a minister, pastor or rabbi. Ask a school counselor, pay for a therapist who’s good with parents, or sign up for a consultation with one of our Hand in Hand parent consultants. We’ve all “been there,” at the end of our ropes. That’s how almost all of us came to Hand in Hand. We will help. Get a copy of Listening Partnerships for Parents to learn how to build a Listening Partnership—it can change your life.
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3) Start Special Time with the child who’s begging for help. Do it regularly. Work with a listener on what you don’t like about your child or the play or activity she chooses. Special Time is not for sissies—it sounds simple, and it is, but the tough places in a parent-child relationship often show up right there, in that simplest of interactions. 4) Use the other Listening Tools: Play listening, Setting Limits,and Stay listening, in concert with one another. Read our Listening to Children booklets for more on what the tools are and how to use them. They don’t come naturally to us— our parents often didn’t have the emotional slack to try to attune themselves to us in play or during our most passionate emotional episodes. You’ll do well if you take your issues to your Listening Partnership, and release the feelings that arise on your end, whatever they might be. Those feelings are probably rooted in your own childhood, and they’ve been interfering in your joy in parenting for awhile. Out they go! Some emotional projects take several years; others will resolve in an afternoon, with a refresher episode every now and then. You don’t know before you start how big the project will be. You don’t know what growth lies ahead for you, what new freedoms you’ll earn as you dissolve the hurt on your side of the relationship. You don’t know how flexible, generous and open hearted your child can be until you’ve found ways to let them lead, let them laugh, and let them cry and rage. Nothing—not consequences, punishments, rewards or distractions—can clear your child’s intelligence of troubled behavior like your love, your attention, your work on your own feelings, and your use of Listening Tools with them. Here’s how it can work. In second grade, my friend’s daughter entered a new school. She enjoyed her first year there, but in third grade, she came home crying many afternoons, saying that her friends were excluding her, and that none of the boys wanted to play with a girl any more. My friend listened to her daughter for several afternoons, but became worried when her daughter moved into big cries almost every day. She would recount the slights of the day, and feel heartbroken. My friend became worried, discouraged and disappointed. She was a single mom, and had worked so hard to find just the right school for her daughter, who she knew carried some insecure feelings. She thought she’d found just the right place. Now, look what was happening! Social exclusion. “You’re not my friend today. Alissa is my friend!” action, with changing alliances almost every day. And why wouldn’t the boys play with the girls? My friend took her worries to her Listening Partnership. It was hard to keep up with the feelings her daughter triggered in her, but she worked at it. Every day, there were painful interactions to be told and cried about. Finally, after about a month, my friend, exasperated, checked in with her daughter, at a time when feelings weren’t high. “Do you want to change schools?” “No, Mommy, I want to stay at this one.” That was something to hang on to. The months went on, and her daughter’s hurt feelings didn’t lessen. About once a month, my friend checked in with her, asking if she wanted to change schools. She didn’t. The unspoken message my friend took away, month after month, was that her daughter was choosing to cry, with her support. She didn’t want out. She wanted through this. In addition to the listening my friend did daily, she and her daughter began to come up with a few initiatives to try to freshen up the interactions at school. They invited each one of the girls who were pulling the exclusion card to their house for play dates. They planned fun things to do. It helped somewhat, but there were still many tears daily. Toward spring of that year, this mom decided to go to the teacher, and see if she could get permission to come in and present a play activity for her daughter’s class of 20 children. She proposed physical play, play that put her in the less powerful role, so the children could laugh. There would be a “target” that wasn’t another child. She decided to bring a few wrestling mats, and to be a bucking bronco for each of the children in turn. (She’s quite the adventurous mom!) The teacher agreed. The children loved it! They laughed and cheered for each other, and my friend “couldn’t buck them off,” they were so strong and clingy. Or when she did, they climbed right back on. She marveled in 20 different ways about how strong these children were, and wondered why, oh why, she couldn’t buck them off. They timed the turns, and she managed to get through all twenty! This brought a strong sense of fun and solidarity to the class—it was an extraordinary event, and it worked just the way my friend and her daughter had hoped. After that play session, interactions opened up between the boys and the girls. My friend’s daughter was finally able to play hard with the boys, and so were several other girls. The girls stopped targeting each other so often. And my friend’s daughter began to feel happy and at home at school. By the end of the school year, a fairly constant expression of fear had left my friend’s child’s face. She felt more powerful. She was a happier person. She had dissolved enough feelings of victimization that she carried herself more confidently. She had experienced her mom’s support. Together, they had turned the social interactions in her class from segregated and exclusionary to cooperative and, for the most part, positive. All with a long, hard, bitter cry every afternoon for months, and with Listening Partnerships to melt away the mom’s discouragement and heartbreak. It was a big accomplishment, done step by step. Each of them had made a permanent gain in confidence. www.handinhandparenting.org
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THE POWER OF PLAY By Karen Leis Welsh
Neighborhood streets lined with children playing jump rope, riding their bikes, tossing a ball around with pals, playing freeze tag, and playing hopscotch a generation ago are now vacant, quiet places where memories live. One explanation is that neighborhood streets just aren’t safe for children to roam without parental supervision. Parents of today must make personal sacrifices to ensure that their children’s need for supervision does not impede their developmental needs. Children need to play outside for their social, emotional and physical needs to be met. Parents of the twenty-first century are connected to friends and family through social media using such devices as cell phones, iPhones, iPads and such. They spend a majority of their non-working time staying in touch with friends and family who do not share their residence. It is unfortunate that this social medium has diverted our attention from those we are charged with raising – our own children. Children are impressionable and are learning this new life-style from their parental role-models. Many children have developed the habit of spending hours on electronic equipment playing games and becoming adept on these devices simply because no one will go outside with them to supervise while they play. It is much easier for parents, weary from a long day’s work, to simply purchase the latest electronic devises for their children and send them off to their room or another part of the home to play with them. While electronics have an important place in the life of children of the twenty-first century in preparing them for their future, responsible parents should not forget that fresh air, exercise and social interaction with peers also contribute to their children’s wellbeing and development. It is imperative that parents set limits to the amount of time children use electronics each day and make an effort to schedule times to put down their own electronics and take their children outside to explore their world. Play is the work of childhood. They need to be out there developing their imaginations as they climb trees, build something with left over two by fours, “dig a hole to China” or use sticks, leaves, and dirt to see if they can build a strong enough dam to stop the water in the street gutters. When children share these experiences with other children, they learn from their peers’ experiences as well. Social interaction is another part of play that must be visited. Children today are entering school knowing fewer words than they did just 15 years ago. A generation ago, children picked up language by hearing parents communicate orally with each other, with their friends over a cup of coffee, or as they talked on the telephone and they talked to their children more. Today homes are engulfed in silence as parents text, twitter or type responses to others (often whom are sitting in the same room with each other). Oral communication in the home and outside playing with children’s peers is necessary to
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rectify this situation. Spending hours on video gaming alone and less time playing outside with peers may inhibit social development that children need for life-long relationship and character building. They learn how to solve problems, work together and to value others when they are playing and observing their world together. Not to mention the fun of adventure they experience as they learn about hard work from watching the worker ants prance back and forth carrying their load or the excitement felt from following a frog to his hiding place. There is a classroom awaiting them outside their door, away from their electronics. Play is the building blocks from which children become who they are. We are stifling their development and creativity when we neglect this important aspect of childhood. Imagine how different our transportation system would be today if the Wright brothers had not been outside observing nature and using their discoveries and imaginations to create the first airplane. Childhood obesity is at an all-time high. In 1980, 7% of America’s children were obese, rising to an astonishing 20%30% today (1999-2002 NHANES survey). While diet is one culprit of this unfortunate condition, the lack of outside playtime is also to blame. Children need to exercise daily. Exercise not only burns calories but also helps to build strong muscles and aids in brain development. The brain needs oxygen. Exercise is the best way to increase blood flow and oxygen to the brain. When the brain does not get enough oxygen and blood flow, depression can set in and illnesses develop. Exercise releases endorphins, which lead to a better sense of emotional wellbeing. With high-stakes testing in our schools today, children need exercise to relieve stress as much as parents do. They do not need to go to a gym to do strenuous repetitive exercise. They need to go outside and play, which is a natural form of exercise for children. Another advantage to playing outside is that the sun is a great source of vitamin D, which children need for developing strong bones. Responsible, caring parents teach their children by example and talk to them about the importance of diet and exercise to live a healthy, fit life-style. Children are our future. It is of the essence that parents of this generation give their children what they need most-their childhood- filled with friendships, adventure, creativity and discovery. So take them outside and watch them develop socially, emotionally and physically. Their future and ours is at stake. Frolicking Friends is available through www.amazon.com and www. authorhouse.com. Frolicking Friends by Karen Leis Welsh Retail price: $21.99 ISBN: 978-1-46856-422-8 About the author Karen Leis Welsh has been teaching K-5th grade for 23 years. She received her bachelor’s degree in elementary education from Chadron State College in Chadron, Neb. and her master’s degree in educational administration from Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. Welsh is a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. Currently, she is a first-grade teacher in Houston, where she resides with her husband Jerry.
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NFPA works with....
State Foster and Adoptive Parent Associations Agency /Organization Contact Email Phone California State Care Providers Association daddwhy@gmail.com 323-846-0007 South Carolina Foster Parent Association maryscfpa@aol.com 803-513-7016 Nebraska Foster & Adoptive Parent Association colton@chase3000.com 308-882-4078 Louisiana Foster Adoptive Parent Association hicksc60@yahoo.com 318-340-0230 Connecticut Association of Foster & Adoptive Parents jean.fiorito@cafap.com 860-258-3400 Ohio Family Care Association office@OFCAonline.org 614-222-2712 Illinois Foster /Adoptive Parent Association president@ilfapa.org 708-748-8670 Land of Enchantment Foster & Adoptive Parents Assoc. gwen.jones@state.nm.us 575-937-0484 Texas Foster Family Association president@tffa.org 512-965-0539 Missouri Foster Care & Adoption Association janeagleburger@att.net 417-862-8081 North Dakota Foster Adoptive Care Association jon.mielke@ndsu.edu 701-226-3157 Idaho Foster & Adoptive Parent Association mustain2rinard@gmail.com 208-659-5960 Kentucky Foster Adoptive Care Association Terrygrayg@aol.com 502-867-2945 Arizona Association for Foster & Adoptive Parents kris@azafap.org 602-488-2374 Rhode Island Foster Parents Association lisa.guillette@rifpa.org 401-438-3900 Foster Adoptive Family Services mfalk@fafsonline.org 609-520-1500 Florida State Foster /Adopt Parent Association mbond@fapapbc.org 561-352-2540 Foster Care & Adoption Association of Nevada marshasimmslaw@aol.com MSPCC - Massachusetts Alliance for Families mbenkis@mspcc.org 617-587-1666 California State Foster Parent Association patnegus@msn.com 909-730-0311 Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association lstout@ifapa.org 515-289-4567 Foster Care and Adoptive Association of Oklahoma browns@safy.org 405-942-5570 NYS Citizens’ Coalition for Children info@nysccc.org 718-369-7363 Kansas Foster & Adoptive Parents Association saundra-hiller@fhrd.net 620-628-4071 Colorado State Foster Parent Association office@csfpa.org 303-463-7989 North Carolina Foster & Adoptive Parent Association office@ncfapa.org 919-367-9301 Foster Parents Association of Washington State fpaws@paws.org 800-391-2273 Adoptive & Foster Families of Maine, Inc. bette@affm.net 207-827-2331 Michigan Association for Foster /Adoptive & Kinship rukenaga@yahoo.com 989-984-7372 Midwest Foster Care & Adoption LeaAnn@mfcaa.org 816-350-0215 Maryland Foster Parent Association mdkids1@aol.com 866-635-4371 Alabama Foster & Adoptive Parent Association, Inc. afapa@afapa.org 888-545-2372 Adoptive & Foster Parent Association of Georgia 404-918-1956 Minnesota Foster Care Association MFCArandy@aol.com 612-849-0246 Oregon Foster Care Association ofpaoffice@aol.com 503-361-3906 Tennessee Foster Adoptive Care Association rebeccajcrogers@aol.com 931-319-2645 Montana State Foster /Adoption Association msfapa.president@gmail.com 406-871-6807
With about 1,000 members, NFPA also helps to provide training for foster parents, mini-conferences and events for foster parents and the children they care for. “We look into the future and we just want to build an infrastructure that helps kids in foster care,” Mike Canfield said. Similarly in Arizona, a variety of events are hosted for foster parents and children in care by the Arizona Association for Foster and Adoptive Parents. From an annual award banquet and training conference to National Adoption Day celebrations, the Arizona Association for Foster and Adoptive Parents is working to support foster families. “The association becomes a tremendous network for services,” Clanton said. Like the Foster Parents of Washington State, the Arizona Association for Foster and Adoptive Parents doesn’t accept funding
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from the state and that’s something, Clanton says allows the association to act in the best interests of its members. “It gives us the autonomy to be the voices for the family,” Clanton said. “Our association is totally parent controlled.” Clanton has witnessed the power of the associations unified voice in the passage of both the Foster Child Bill of Rights and the Foster Parents Bill of Rights. “Without the organization behind them that could present a united voice, I don’t think they would have ever passed,” Clanton said. “A unified voice has so much more ability to effect change.” Fostering Families Today
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He’s Just A Little Boy He stands at the plate with his heart pounding fast; The bases are loaded; the die has been cast. Mom and Dad can not help him; he stands all alone. A hit at this moment would sent the team home. The ball nears the plate; he swings and he misses. There’s a groan from the crowd, with some boos and hisses. A thoughtless voice cries, “Strike out the bum!” Tears fill his eyes; the game’s no longer fun. Remember - he’s just a boy who stands all alone, So open your heart and give him a break. For it’s moments like this a man you can make. Keep this in mind when you hear someone forget. He’s just a little boy, not a man yet. Consider this... From day-to-day our lives involve interaction with others at work, at home, and within our community. Consider the following suggestions, and before you speak, count your words carefully: • The six most important words: “I admit that I was wrong.” • The five most important words: ‘You did a great job.” • The four most important words: ‘What do you think?” • The three most important words: ‘May I help?” • The two most important words: ‘Thank you.” • The one most important word: ‘We” • The least most important word: ‘I”
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING FOR? Two friends were in downtown Manhattan, walking near Times Square, during the noon lunch hour. The streets were filled with people, cars horns were honking, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, one of the friends said, “I hear a cricket.” “What?” his friend laughed. “You must be crazy. You couldn’t possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!” “No, I’m sure of it,” the first friend said, “I heard a cricket.” He listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a cricket. His friend was utterly amazed. “That’s incredible – you must have superhuman ears!” “No,” said the first friend. “It all depends on what you’re listening for. And that depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, even with the noise of the crowded street still blaring, they noticed every head within 20 feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs. “See what I mean? It all depends on what’s important to you.”
Did you just hear a cricket?
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The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.
POSTSECONDARY EDUCATION RESOURCES FOR YOUTH IN AND TRANSITIONING OUT OF THE CHILD WELFARE SYSTEM Q: What barriers do youth in care encounter starting and completing postsecondary education programs? A. Fewer than 20% of eligible youth in foster care go on to higher education compared to 60% of youth in the general population. Moreover, very few of these students obtain bachelor’s degrees. These disparities can be attributed to a variety of factors. Higher education is expensive, and many youth in care do not have family members or other adults who can help pay for their tuition, cosign their college loans, or provide them with a free place to live while they are attending college or during school breaks. Even youth with more modest aspirations still find job training or career skills development programs (that are also part of post secondary education) unaffordable. But there is help available that can assist these students to achieve their goals. Q. What is FAFSA and why should youth fill this out? A. Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is an application used by Federal Student Aid, an office in the Department of Education. The application is used to determine the type and amount of federal financial aid (grants, work-study and loans) for which each student is eligible. Further, many state colleges, universities, and career schools use FAFSA information to determine eligibility for their own assistance and scholarship programs. Q. How is financial eligibility calculated for youth under FAFSA, especially for students involved with the child welfare system? A. If a youth is considered ‘independent,’ only the youth’s income - not that of a parent or guardian - is considered when determining whether a student is eligible for financial aid. In most cases, this means that the youth will be eligible for the maximum financial aid available. The law now states that an ‘independent student’ includes a youth who is ‘an orphan, in foster care, or a ward of the court at any time when the individual was 13 years of age or older.’ Now significantly more former and current youth in care are eligible for federal financial assistance. Q. How should a current or former foster youth fill our FAFSA? A. The easiest way to fill out FAFSA is to go to www.fafsa.gov. The youth will need to provide login and identifying information, such as name, date of birth, and social security number. Each student will also need a pin to sign the application electronically, which can be found at the FAFSA site or at http://www.pin.ed.gov/PINWebApp/ pinindex.jsp. Remind students that they should indicate they are ‘independent students.’ A Financial Aid Administrator does not need to verify a student’s status unless there is conflicting information. Students can contact their financial aid administrators at the college they are attending for any specific questions about their school For more tips on how to fill out certain questions on the FAFSA, how to identify a student as ‘independent,’ or how to get a pin, visit http://www.cacollegepathways.org/, http://eop.sdsu.edu/pdffiles/FYSI_FINAL.pdf and http://www.naehcy. org/tk/faa.html. Q. What are ETVs? A. Education Training Vouchers (ETVs) are part of the John H. Chafee Foster Care independence Program that provides a student with up to $5,000 towards the cost of attending a post-secondary program of education or training. ETVs are available to children in foster care and those who entered kinship guardianship or adoption arrangements from foster care at age 16 or older. For more information, please visit http://www.nrcyd.ou.edu/etv.
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Q. What is tuition waiver and why do some states offer them to foster youth? A. To make college and vocation schools more affordable, several states have created ‘waiver programs’ that ‘waive’ the tuition and fees of current and foster youth at colleges and vocational schools under certain conditions. Nearly all states with tuition waiver programs limit their use to state-funded colleges and vocational schools within the state. Connecticut is one of a number of exceptions, and its tuition waiver can be used at public and private colleges inside or outside the state. Generally, tuition waivers apply to all forms of postsecondary education - two or four year schools, vocational and technical programs, and community colleges. However, there is some variation among state waiver programs as to the types of education programs included. Q. Does a tuition waiver cover the full cost of tuition and fees? A. In the majority of states with tuition waiver programs, an eligible student must first apply for other forms of federal and state financial aid; the tuition waiver covers the remaining costs. However, in a few states, such as Virginia and Texas, Education Training Vouchers under the John H. Chafee Foster Care Independence Program are not included in this calculation. In a few other states, such as Maine and Kansas, a tuition waiver covers the full cost of tuition and fees regardless of the level of federal and state financial aid a student receives. Please visit http://www. eckerdfamilyfoundation.org/doc/state_scholarship_guide.pdf and http://www.nrcyd.ou.edu/etv/tuition-waiver for more information. Q. Do tuition waivers cover other college related expenses, such as room and board? A. In most states, tuition waivers only cover tuition and fees. Again Connecticut is an exception, and its tuition waivers can be used to cover the full cost of attending college - tuition, fees, room and board, books, tutoring, transportation, and health care. In several states where tuition waivers only cover tuition and fees, other help may be available to pay for the remaining college related expenses such as room and board. Several states that offer tuition waivers also permit youth to remain in foster care until age of 21 so that the room and board expenses are paid for by their state’s child welfare system. Q. Who is eligible to receive a tuition waiver? A. To receive a tuition waiver, a student must have been in foster care during a specific period of his or her youth (this differs among states). For example, in Oklahoma, students are eligible for tuition waivers if they were in foster care for at least nine months between their 16th and 18th birthdays. In Maryland, students are eligible so long as they were in foster care when they received a high school diploma or GED. In several states, youth who were adopted from foster care after a certain age are also eligible to receive tuition waivers. For example, in North Carolina, youth who were adopted from foster care on or after their 12th birthday are eligible. For state-specific information about tuition waiver programs, see http://www.nrcyd.ou.edu/etv/tuition-waiver. Q. Are there any supportive services or on-campus programs available to current or former foster youth once they are enrolled at a college or university? A. Among other states, California and Washington have developed campus-based support programs to provide assistance to students who were formerly in foster care with financial aid, mental health services, housing issues, and other supports. The best way to find out if a specific college, university, or school has an on-campus program is to contact the financial aid or student affairs office to find out what types of assistance they provide. Check out these links for more information about some of the programs around the country: • California College Pathways: www.cacollegepathways.org • Western Michigan University News: http://www.wmich.edu/wmu/news/2008/01/04.html • Michigan State University, Spartan Youth Programs: Scholarships for Youth in Foster Care: http://spartanyouth. msu.edu/Resource.aspx?ResourceID=146 • Colorado State University, Fostering Success Scholarship: http://sfs.colostate.edu/csu-scholarship-applicationcsusa • Supporting Success: Improving Higher Education Outcomes for Students from Foster Care: http://www.casey. org/Resources/Publications/pdf/SupportingSuccess.pdf www.nfpaonline.org
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Q. What other supports are available to foster youth to help ensure student success? A. As part of the federal TRIO program, the Federal Department of Education offers Student Support Services (SSS) grants to postsecondary programs to increase college retention and graduation rates for low income students. SSS programs provide tutoring, academic and career counseling as well as counseling and assistance in applying for financial aid. SSS programs can also provide services that may be of particular help to current and former youth in foster care such as mentoring, and help in securing temporary housing during breaks in the academic year. Federal law also allows postsecondary programs to use SSS grants to create programs that are tailored to the needs of youth in or who have aged out of foster care. If a youth has a physical or behavioral health disability that impairs the student’s access to or ability to benefit from a postsecondary education program, the program should provide the student with reasonable accommodations. The Americans with Disabilities Act (and for programs that receive federal financial assistance the Rehabilitation Act of 1973) prohibit a school from discriminating against a qualified individual on the basis of disability. The school must ensure that the programs it offers, including extracurricular activities, are reasonably accessible to students with disabilities. Postsecondary schools can do this in a number of ways, such as ensuring architectural access, providing aids and services necessary for effective communication, and modifying discriminatory policies, practices and procedures. If a student has a disability or impairment that requires some type of accommodation, youth and their advocates should be sure to request it. Checklist to Help Current and Transitioning Foster Youth Attend and Complete Post-Secondary Education and Training Programs • Step 1- FAFSA: Make sure students fill out their FAFSA on or before March 1 of the year they plan on attending school. Ex: If they plan on attending college in the fall of 2013, their FAFSA should be completed by March 1, 2013. • Step 2- ETVs: Find out if the State where the student plans on attending school provides ETVs. Use the following links below, or contact the financial aid offices at the schools youth are applying/planning to attend to see what they provide. ETV Vouchers by State - https://www.statevoucher.org/ South Dakota Department of Social Services - http://dss.sd.gov/cps/independentlivingprogram/educationtraining.asp • Step 3- Tuition Waivers: Find out if the State where the student plans on attending school provides tuition waivers. Follow the links below for more information. North American Council on Adoptable Children: - http://www.nacac.org/adoptionsubsidy/factsheets/tuition.html Adoption.com - http://library.adoption.com/articles/college-tuition-waiver-and-scholarship-programs.html • Step 4- Scholarships: Are there any other scholarships that a state provides for youth formerly in foster care? Several states offer a multitude of other scholarships that can benefit youth in foster care. Follow the links below or contact a particular school’s financial aid office to learn more about these opportunities. College Scholarships.org - http://www.collegescholarships.org/scholarships/foster.htm Western Michigan Scholarship - http://diverseeducation.com/article/10813/http://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/ index.ssf/2009/05/western_michigan_university_pr_7.html Education Coordinating Council - http://www.educationcoordinatingcouncil.org/ECC_ResourcesSCHOL.htm • Step 5- On Campus Programs: Are there any on campus services or programs to assist youth? Many new programs are starting for students that can help with financial, housing, academic, and social problems. Some programs cater specifically to current and former youth in foster care, while others are available to the general student population. Do the research and check out the links below. Also, encourage youth to reach out to student groups or programs on campus, even if they don’t think they will need any help. Being involved and establishing relationships helps every student, regardless of his or her background, adjust to college life and will be important if unpredictable situations arise that require youth to seek help. Colorado State Programs - http://osp.casa.colostate.edu/foster.aspx Washington’s Passport for Foster Youth Promise Program - http://www.collegesuccessfoundation.org/Page. aspx?pid=419 College Success Foundation - http://www.collegesuccessfoundation.org/page.aspx?pid=411 Guardian Scholars Program - http://www.fullerton.edu/guardianscholars/ • Step 6- Other Supportive Services: Are there any other supportive services or financial help available at the education institution from, for example, programs financed through Student Support Services (SSS) grants from the Department of Education? Use the following links for more guidance. Student Support Services - http://www2.ed.gov/programs/triostudsupp/index.html Northwestern College- http://www.nwc.edu/web/academic-support/ada/disability-services-doss Quincy University - http://www.quincy.edu/academics/academic-services/ada-support TRiO Programs - http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ope/trio/index.html
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DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN TAKES DEDICATION AND EFFORT. It also helps to mix in a little creativity when needed. The consequences below from parenting expert, Lisa Welchel, might seem a little strong, but let them inspire you to come up with your own, and pair them with the 7 Steps to Tried and True Discipline. 1. If time-outs don't work, try a "time-in." This can be accomplished by sending your child to a designated spot where he must complete a task that has a definite beginning and end. This could be putting together a small puzzle, stringing 50 beads on a piece of yarn, or tracing the alphabet. A time-in diverts his energies and encourages him to focus on something positive. 2. Timers set definite boundaries. For example, with a timer, you can say, "I'm setting the timer. I want your room cleaned (or your shoes on, or the dishes unloaded) in 15 minutes. If you haven't finished by then, your correction is…." This method not only spurs on easily distracted children, but it also leaves little room for arguing about a job that isn't finished and whether the correction is warranted. 3. Make a homemade "Correction" can and fill it with tickets or slips of paper with various consequences written on them. Instead of giving your child a time-out, send her to the can for a slip. A few ideas might include no TV or computer for a night, early bedtime, or an extra chore. Toss in a blank piece of paper, a "mercy" ticket. This gives you an opportunity to talk about how God gives us mercy even when we deserve punishment. 4. If you repeatedly open the door to your child's room only to catch him in an act of disobedience, take your child's bedroom door off the hinges. It sounds harder to do than it actually is. And it works wonders! 5. Adjust bedtimes according to your children's behavior that day. For each infraction, they must go to bed five minutes earlier, but if they've been good, they can earn the right to stay up an extra five minutes. 6. An especially tough but effective correction for teenagers who forget to wear their seat belts is to add an additional day past their sixteenth birthday before they can take their driver's test. Hey, it's important! 7. If you have dawdlers, try this: Whoever is last to the table at dinner time becomes the server. But there's a catch. Even if you're first, your hands must be clean, of you'll end up serving the food, pouring the drinks, and fetching the condiments (after washing your hands, of course!). 8. If your children are constantly turning in sloppy schoolwork, get a few photocopied pages of printing or cursive exercises. (These can be found at any teachers supply store.) Then ask your haphazard child this: "What takes longer: a report done neatly in 15 minutes or one you've sped through in 10 that must be redone and warrants a page of handwriting practice?" 9. You've heard the reprimand "Hold your tongue!" Make your child do it-literally. Have her stick out her tongue and hold it between two fingers. This is an especially effective correction for public outbursts. 10. My friend, Becki, tried a variation on this idea in the car. If things got too raucous or there was too much fussing between siblings, she would cry, "Noses on knees!" Her children then had to immediately touch their noses to their knees until she determined that they had learned their lesson.
11. Next time your child "forgets" to put something away, like video games or sports equipment, put
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it away for him. When he asks where it is, tell him that he'll just have to look for it. Believe me; he will learn that it's a lot more trouble to find something that Mom has hidden than it is to put it away in the first place. 12. If you have younger children who are messy, try this: Put their toys in a "rainy day" box to bring out later. This has the added benefit of making an old toy seem new again. Or set the toy somewhere out of reach but within sight for a predetermined number of days. This increases the impact of the correction by keeping the forbidden toy fresh in their minds. 13. I heard from a mom who had tired of her three sons' ceaseless noises and sound effectsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;so she got creative. If her boys did not take their commotion outside, she would make them sit down and listen to the "Barney" theme song cassette for 10 minutes. For adolescent boys, it's torture! 14. If your little one gets too hyper, come up with a code word to remind him to stop the action without embarrassing him. Whenever Tucker started getting too rowdy in a group, I would yell, "Hey, Batman." He knew that he needed to calm down before I had to take more drastic measures. 15. Does your child slam the door when she's angry? You might tell her, "It's obvious that you don't know how to close a door properly. To learn, you will open and close this door, calmly and completely, 100 times." 16. If your child likes to stomp off to his room or stomp around in anger, send him outside to the driveway and tell him to stomp his feet for one minute. He'll be ready to quit after about 15 seconds, but make him stomp even harder. 17. The same goes for throwing fits. Tell your child to go to her room to continue her fit. She isn't allowed to come out and she has to keep crying for 10 minutes. Ten minutes is an awfully long time, and it's no fun if your parents tell you to cry. 18. Another way to handle temper tantrums is to simply say, "That is too disruptive for this house. You may continue your fit in the backyard. When you're finished, you are welcome to come back inside." When there isn't an audience, the thrill of throwing a temper tantrum is gone. 19. If a job is not done diligently, have your child practice doing it. She'll learn to be more thorough if she's made to sweep the floor three or four times because her first effort wasn't good enough. 20. When one of my children is acting disrespectful, disobedient, or defiant, I will instruct him or her to choose a chore from the Job Jar. The jobs include scrubbing the toilet, organizing the pots and pans, moving and vacuuming underneath the furniture, weeding the garden, matching up odd socks, defrosting the refrigerator, and cleaning the closet, garage, or under the bed. And those are just a few possibilities. You could add ironing, vacuuming the refrigerator coils, scrubbing the inside of small wastebaskets, polishing the silver, cleaning the window wells, brushing the animals, cleaning the fireplace, shaking the kitchen rugs, vacuuming the couch, alphabetizing the spices, and using wood cleaner on the dining room chairs. Not only does the Job Jar help to get my house clean, but it also keeps my little ones from complaining that they're bored. They know that with the Job Jar, Mom will always have an antidote for boredom. 21. I have a friend whose son's morning chore was to get the pooper-scooper and clean up the doggie gifts littering the backyard. The boy was not doing this job with much diligence, so his father came up with this creative solution: After the boy had completed the task, he would be required to run through the yard barefoot! From then on, their lawn was perfectly clean. Mark your calendar NOW FOR JUNE 5-8, 2013 for the NFPA Annual Education Conference Renaissance Long Beach Hotel, Long Beach, California Check the NFPA Website for details
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NFPA 2012 Conference Memories...
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One Mom's Courage to Tell All —Leads to Better Life for Son with Asperger’s Syndrome
It is difficult to decide when to share with others that your child has a diagnosed developmental disability. This decision is particularly challenging for parents of children whose disabilities are not immediately obvious to a casual observer, as with diagnoses of learning disabilities or Asperger’s Syndrome. When a child is first diagnosed many families begin a long journey that starts with coming to terms with the diagnosis themselves. Initially, they are caught up with trying to understand what it means for their child to have the diagnosis. In the years immediately following diagnosis, parents work hard to find out about treatment approaches, availability of various therapies in their area, and determining the best course of action for their child’s circumstances. When the child enters school, parents focus on finding their way through the special education maze, as they learn to advocate for a program that meets their child’s needs. It is a bit later, when the child is finishing elementary school or when middle school begins, that the question of when or if to tell the child’s peers might come up. Unfortunately, students with disabilities are often the targets of bullies. Research shows that children with Asperger’s Syndrome are actually targeted by bullies at a rate that is 4 times higher than their typical peers. It can be watching their child suffer social isolation or be a target of bullies that can lead parents to consider sharing information about their child’s diagnosis with his classmates. Here’s how one 8th grade boy describes what happened to him when his mom created a Power Point presentation to share with his 6th grade class. It was happening again. I had hoped things would change in middle school: new kids, new school, and a new lease on life. In the beginning, it was fine. I was welcomed with open arms on the first day of class, and during the few short, golden weeks after. Then people began to notice that I was different. After that, I was more of a curiosity than a fellow student, sticking out like a lump on a glass plate. The other kids wouldn’t talk to me, and instead would avoid me like the plague. Nobody wanted to be friends with an oddity. I was observed from a distance, but no one would talk to me on their own initiative unless forced to. “Friends” I had made in the beginning of the year always had other things to do when I wanted to get together, or they said they weren’t feeling good. I voiced my complaints to my mother around early November, and she thought we should tell the kids about my disability. I refused. But after a few more weeks of the same old treatment, I informed my mom that I wanted to tell them. After Christmas, she presented the Power Point to my class. On the day of the presentation, I was nervous. What if everybody teased me more, or started acting like I had a disease? When the time came for my mom to present it, I left the room. When I came back into the room, it was like a light had turned on. Right away, everyone was much more open in general, and they seemed more understanding. They invited me to play games on the playground, and saw me for who I really was. Nobody mentioned my disability, but came forward with an open mind. Even though their behavior toward me was different, because they knew about my Asperger’s Syndrome, I still felt a little “different.” Over time, that feeling of being different really did fade away. A year later, I was one of the select few that received an invitation to go to a Halloween party, and after that, I truly felt like a normal kid. Being included in these social interactions really helped me learn those unwritten rules that you can’t learn unless you are hanging out with other kids. Here’s how his mom describes her experience when they shared the information with her son’s classmates. It’s hard to explain exactly what it’s like having a child with Asperger’s to parents who haven’t lived it themselves. When other people look at my son, they see a very adult-like, mannerly, and highly intelligent boy. They don’t understand how anything could be wrong. When he was in preschool, everyone said my son was brilliant and I was so proud. In elementary school, things did not go as well. He could not write and he did not speak or play like the other kids. He endured 4 years fraught with misunderstanding, bullying, teasing, and ultimately, isolation. Page # 42
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Going to school was a challenge. My heart broke for him every day as I sent him off to what I knew was a painful and difficult situation. As he completed 5th grade, I worried that things would be even worse in middle school. I wished I could find a way to shelter him from a situation I knew would probably be even more negative. His 6th grade year started out beautifully, but by November, he was feeling isolated and rejected again. His teacher said he would fixate on certain topics and did not know when to stop talking about them. He did not seem to know when his classmates were joking and when they were being serious. I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe if the other kids knew about his Asperger’s, they might be more forgiving about his odd behaviors. I asked my son if he thought we should tell his classmates, but he had some doubts, so I dropped it. Not long after that, after more negative social interactions with his classmates, he came to me and told me he was ready to tell them. Now it was my turn to have doubts-I was not sure that I was ready to do this....but I really felt like we had tried everything else. I have done many public speaking engagements to professional groups in the past, but that day, in front of those kids...I was terrified. I wondered if I was making a mistake by sharing this information. What if telling his classmates actually backfired and I was about to totally ruin his chances of developing any relationships? On the day of the presentation, his classmates were very attentive. At the end, they asked many questions. When it was over, I left....hoping and praying that I had done the right thing. When my son came home that day, he told me that he felt an immediate difference when he came back to the classroom. After that day, the kids were nicer and they made more efforts to include him. Did he become Mr. Popularity and gain a huge fan club? No. But what he did get was what most average kids in society get— average social acceptance. For him, that was big. For me, my overall level of stress was relieved ten-fold. I knew that when he went to school he was going to be OK. For the next 2 years after that, it has progressively become better and better. He was invited to his first party in 7th grade. Now in 8th grade, he talks about his friends at the dinner table. When he invited his class to his birthday party, I held my breath… and they ALL came. For every family, the decision is wrenching. One never really knows how others will respond. Research shows that telling peers can improve the social climate of the classroom for kids with special needs as long as classmates are also given information about dealing with affected peers. Clear and concise information is important, but it is also important to allow time for kids to problem solve and plan how to improve social interactions and what to do when their classmate acts out or behaves oddly. Parents are encouraged to discuss this decision with their child’s teacher, school counselor, and other professionals with whom they interact, such as a psychologist, occupational therapist or special educator. Originally developed by Ruth Bielobocky, this presentation was used as a tool to tell her son’s 6th grade classroom about Asperger’s Syndrome. Following the success he experienced after using the presentation, she worked with Barbara Luborsky, OTR/L, a pediatric occupational therapist and founder of Way to Grow, to write and edit the Script and the Parent Guide, and document validating research to support this approach. Background: Way to Grow is a private pediatric occupational therapy and speech clinic located in Frederick, MD. The Way to Grow staff has been specializing in treating the unique needs of children since 2002. Ms. Luborsky is the owner of Way to Grow and is an occupational therapist who has worked with children of all ages with various diagnoses including: autism/PDD, cerebral palsy, developmental delay, down syndrome, learning disabilities, and sensory processing disorder. Way to Grow also provides consultative services for adults with developmental disabilities. Learn more at www.way2grow.com. A video to preview the presentation can be seen at www.Tools2growkids.com. To purchase the presentation, parent guide and script for $47.99, go to www.Tools2growkids.com. For more information or to schedule an interview with Barbara Luborsky, please email her at info@ tools2growkids.com This article is provided for information only and is not endorsed by the NFPA Organization or its affiliates.
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