FHMindia Magazine - July 2009 Issue by Next Gen Publishing Ltd.

INDIA EDITION WWW.FHMINDIA.COM

VOL 2 ISSUE 9 JULY 2009 RS 100

1OO

G RETAT ADVEN UR

EXCLUSIVE!

Ride! Div ! Air-raEcS Tobogge e! a Surf! Pu n! Hunt! ke! Loop... Rest!

Terminator Salvation From the sets

Q&A: McG, Moon Bloodgood and Sam Worthington

Making of the Moonwatch

ROAD TRIPPING!

World’s Best! Classic cars

Motorcycle diaries

Travellers’ tales

One life to ride

Trip checklist SEX

The Flying Penis

Nudist beach and circus capers

NEHA DHUPIA

BETTERFY YOURSELF

LOSE HALF A STONE IN A WEEK GEAR HOW TO BUY RIDING JACKET, BOOTS, HELMETS... What, me midlife crisis? 30’s - The new 20’s

Smouldering hot! And absolutely chilled-out...

PLUS! Kamala Das + Nuclear holocaust + Ben Stiller + Apache Pilot + Cloning + Ashvin Kumar + Shah Rukh Can

Intern

tional Magaaz of the Yeine ar

Editor’s letter

2008

07/09 Back then, they used to say you get a call. Once you got it, all you did was switch to autopilot and let the heart chart its course. I got the call when I was 21, over 12 years ago. I took the first train out of Pune where I was studying Journalism. I had no reservations, no plan, no maps. When you listen to that inner voice, everything else falls into place. You meet strangers come who help you in the most unusual of circumstances, cotravellers who walk a few steps with you and go their way but leave an indelible memory and guides who show you the way when you don’t even know you are lost. The experiences over the next month transformed me. I slept in bus-sheds, shat and bathed in the open, took djiredoo lessons from a Canadian, washed clothes in icy streams, suffered altitude sickness, smoked my first chillum and had my first taste of life on the road. Nothing is the same after you have answered the call. Today, the trip to Ladakh has become a rite of passage. Between June and October every year, hundreds of riders from across the country religiously make the pilgrimage to this Mecca of self-discovery and come back transformed and eager to return. As monsoon belatedly lashes the plains and we shift from cursing the heat to swearing at the rains, we at FHM bring you the ultimate escape. In the following pages, we outline all that you need to know about this life-altering experience. Get a first hand account of two friends who rode through the moonscape on bikes in Motorcycle Diaries. Veteran travellers share their road-trip experiences in Traveller’s Tales. If you think that bikes and road-trips are juvenile ideas and there is no escaping your mid-life crisis, check out One Life To Ride where a 58 year-old recounts his travelling experiences. And for those seeking further inspiration, we have lined up an eclectic mix of books and films to egg you on... Once you feel inspired enough, we have prepared a checklist for you to simple tick off. For those who have been there and done that, we have compiled a adrenalin pumping, highoctane list of FHM 100 Greatest Adventures beyond the Great Indian Ride... Just pick one and fly out. And while that getaway may take its time to materialise, we have also ensured that you get an instant respite. Courtesy the hottest and the most chilled out girl in Bollywood Neha Dhupia. Check out our sizzling photoshoot with this scorcher to know why she is arguably the sexiest girl in BTown. We have it all sorted. All you need to do now is check-out of drudgery and check-in to Life... Adventure beckons at every step! Take that call... Tushar A Amin Editor

FHM For Him Magazine, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400 016. www.fhmindia.com Editorial fax: +91 22 24448289 EDITORIAL

Editor Tushar A Amin Features Writer Nisha Samson Junior Features Writer Reza Noorani

ART DESK Creative Director Atul Bandekar Senior Graphic Designer Nandkishor Sawant Graphic Designer Khushboo Shah Illustrator Ajay Paradkar

PICTURES DESK Deepak Narkar, Ninad Jadhav, Ravi Parmar

CONTRIBUTORS Words: Simon Munk, Kevin Hackett, Steve Beale, Josh Woodfin Illustrations: Massiniliano Panzironi

ONLINE Online Correspondent Prajna Rao

PUBLISHING Publisher Khushroo Bhadha Associate Publisher Vijaya Saran FHM India is a licensee product of Emap Consumer Media Ltd. UK

NEWSSTAND DISTRIBUTION India Book House Pvt. Ltd.

SUBSCRIPTION & CIRCULATION K. Srikanth, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400 016. Tel: +91 22 67525252 Fax: +91 22 24448289

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BAUER CONSUMER MEDIA Chief Executive Officer Paul Keenan

Views and opinions expressed in the magazine are not necessarily those of Next Gen Publishing Ltd. Next Gen Publishing Ltd does not take responsibility for returning unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, or other material. All material published in FHM India is copyright and no part of the magazine may be reproduced in part or full without the express prior written permission of the publisher. Published by Khushroo Bhadha on behalf of Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400016. Printed by Khushroo Bhadha, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400016. Printed at Kala Jyothi Process Pvt. Ltd, 1-1-60/5 RTCX Roads, Hyderabad 20. Published at Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400016. Editor Tushar A Amin

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FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

Contents

All of the good, none of the bad, every month

07/09

80 08

004

Incoming

Reviews

Everything that matters this month...

Where to spend your time and hard-earned money

8 Incoming girl Payal Rohatgi on big brother, road trips and safe sex! 11 High street honey A hot looking lucky brit! 12 Launchpad Helping you splurge smart on a lappy. 14 Jokes Potentially deadly funny ones! 16 Map The badasses of the international N-bomb scene. 18 Incoming dance Keeping it real with some old school breakdance. 20 Explainer Nutty doctors reviving the wooly mammoth! 21 Cause Etching a new dawn in film making with Onir. 22 Rocky and Mayur The highway guys do a reality check on racism in India. 23 Rant Reza Noorani raves and rants on the death of a whole generation.

26 Hollywood Lock and load with the fourth, super cool Arnie-less Terminator flick. 30 Carbon Dater The Fastest wind powered car ever made!

FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

Features Highlights of the month 32 Grand old rides The classiest most swanky old rides including an Indian one! 38 Cover story Neha Dhupia sizzles on the pages 50 30’s - the new 20’s Here’s why the 30’s rock! 54 Apache pilot Face to face with a killing machine. 56 The Independent Indian Oscar nominated director on taking on the bad bolly biggies.

60 The Khan Chronicles Decoding king Khan, in paperback this time! 62 100 great adventures Craziest places tailor made for a sureshot adventure. 80 Motorcycle diaries A direct account of living it up on the road. 86 One life to ride Road tripping with a Doctor and his motley crew. 90 Easy rider riding with a regular old ROADSHAKER. 91 Between the lines Classic books and films on loving your mean machine. 96 Road gear Dressing up smart for the unavoidable!

Upgrade We’re making you a better man – bit by bit, every month 98 Lose half a stone Dump all the funky junk, get your act right and get back in shape, fast in a week!

Miss FHM Behold the part of FHM co-written by the ladies 100 Virgin Diaries Celebs and regular folk talk about their first time.. 103 FHM Angels Racist girlfriends, funky tasting jizz, addiction to porn. You’ve got questions, she’s got answers! 106 Hickey Virginity theories and all that jazz. COVER: NEHA DHUPIA Photographer: Vikram Bawa Hair: Kaushalya D’souza Make-up: Ojas Rajani Stylist: Chola Watches: TAG Heuer

Letters

07/09

E-MAIL: fhmletters@nextgenpublishing.net POST: Letters, FHM, Next Gen Publishing Ltd., 2nd Floor, Khatau House, Mogul Lane, Mahim (W), Mumbai 400 016.

The sexiest best!

Mea culpa...

When it comes to chosing and numbering sexy girls, I feel confused. How do people do it! It’s like when two hot girls are walking by and my friend asks, whom I’d take? “Both of course”, I always say. “The third one too, if she’s there and pretty!” Karan, Mumbai Dear Karan. We know the phase that you’re going through. Teenage angst coupled wth horniness gets people to act weird! About numbering hot girls, our readers did that. Interestingly, some of them, just like you chose a whole lot of girls, and many times over too! See with hot girls, there’s no right or wrong.You just got to go with it mate!

We were so lost lining up the sexiest women for you in the last issue, we lost focus and missed out on the most important detail. Vikram Bawa was the photographer who had clikced Shilpa Shetty, Nethra,

COLLEC TIONS

THE ULTIMATE MEN’S STYLE GUIDE

FREE SUPPLEMENT WITH THE FHM JUNE 2009 ISSUE • NOT TO BE SOLD SEPARATELY

STYLE. SUBSTANCE. SPIRIT.

STYLE EVERYDAY DRESSING

STYLED. SORTED. READY. WORLD’S

T BES WHISKIES WATCHES

S SHOE ACCESSORIES

S TIE EXCLUSIVE

PHOTO FEATURE

BUYING GUIDE

CHEAT SHEET

HOTTEST

TRENDS

THE FOR MAN ON THE GO LUXE 25

LUXURY GOES

DESI COOL

SKYDIVERS

DESIGNER’S

COUNTER CULTURE

ANAND KABRA NACHIKET BARVE

BAN KSY

IS HER E 00 FHM COLLECTIONS 09/08

STYLE GUIDE

NITIN BAL CHAUHAN

PRIA KATARIA PURI SHAHEEN ABBAS

+ TIES BEST OF: MAN BAGS + GROOMING + EYEWEAR + SHOES + PERFUMES

Hybrid beasts and where to find them? As an SUV owner, I’d like to do my bit for the environment definitely but I’m in no way going to ride something small in which I have to squat to fit in! So unless us Indian drivers have more bulkier options, I am definitely not getting down to squat level to ride in the little one! Aamir, Delhi Hey Aamir., Sure the elephant man may have a problem getting in a pint

The Dapper Style guide Dear Editor. I had to tell you this since a long time now and with the June issue, I couldn’t help but type it all out! Style wise, you guys rock seriously hard! I say this cause I’ve been keeping a tab on the upgrade section in your pages and boy is it interesting! Thanks for sorting it out for confused dressers like myself. To be honest, a person can literally get lost in his clothes, with all the million options available with ties and belts and shades and what not! And the watches in your pages; forget about it! They were bloody magniﬁcent! Espescially the understated brown leather strapped Patek

Urvashi, Mia and Bruna. We are sorry Vikram. You made them look sooo stunning, we just couldn’t think straight. And thank you for being sweet about the slip. We owe you one... big time. Tushar A Amin, Editor sized hybrid but for him its his nuts that are getting in the way and not his prejudices! Infact, we’re of the opinion, the cleaner your ride, the cooler it is. So buckle up dude, the future is hybrid and it is damn bright!

Rev it green

To save Mother Nature from pissing her pants, FHM checks out, what’s the deal with the tame looking Hybrid beasts. 7/2$3 ô2%:!ô.//2!.) ),,5342!4)/. ô!*!9ô0!2!$+!2 Hybrids

Q>Añ?FQñMOF@BVñLMQFLKñ@>IIBAñQEBñ%V?OFAñ 1EBOBñ@LJBPñ>ñQFJBñFKñBSBOVñ@>OñLTKBOP ñIFCBñ >O ñ KAñ KL ñFQñFPñKLQñ>Qñ>IIñD>VñQLñAOFSBñLKB ñFQñFPñGRPQñDLL TEBKñEBñ>PHPñEFJPBIC ñCLOñELTñILKDñKLTñ@>Kñ Añ EBñ PBKPB ñPLJBQFJBPò DLñLKñARJMFKDñMLFPLKLRPñD>PBPñOFDEQñFKQLñ -BLMIBñEB>OñEV?OFAñ>KAñPQ>OQñQEFKHFKDñ@EB>Mñ *LQEBOñ+>QROBP ñMOBQQVñC>@B ñ#LOñELTñILKDñ@>K ñ OFABPñTEF@EñFPñP>A ñ1EBñ@LPQñBCCB@QFSBKBPPñLCñ EBñPMBKAñE>ICñLCñEFPñIFCBñ>KAñEFPñP>SFKDPñ>QñQO>C h@ñ EV?OFAñFPñ>ñSBOVñ@LJMIBUñMEBKLJBKLK ñ1LñMRQñ G>JPñ?ROKFKDñD>P ñQEBñMOF@BPñLCñTEF@EñOFPBñ FQñ PFJMIV ñALK QñDBQñ>IIñ@EB>Mñ>KAñIBQñVLROñIFQQIBñ RKBSBKIVñTFQEñBSBOVñM>PPFKDñA>V ñ1EBñ>KPTBO ñQLñ PQFKDVñ?O>FKñQOF@HñVLRñFKQLñQEFKHFKDñQE>QñLK@BñV QEFPñNRBPQFLKñFPñKLQñCLOQVñQTLñLOñ?ILTFKDñFKñQEB LRñ ñ DBQñ>ñEV?OFAñVLRñTLKQñKBBAñQLñPMBKAñLKñCRBI ñ TFKAñLOñ>KVñLQEBOñPR@EñMEFILPLMEF@>Iñ ?RQñCRKK ñ Vò ñ EV?OFA PñKLQñPLJBQEFKDñJ>DF@>IñTEF@EñTFIIñTLO DF??BOFPE ñ1EBñ>KPTBOñFPñ>ñSBOVñMO>@QF@>Iñ>KAñ Hñ >ñ LKñ>FOñLOñC>OQPñLOñ>KVñLQEBOñTBFOAñPJBIIFKDñPLR O@Bñ

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FOR HIM MAGAZINE 06/09

Philippe, that just killed me. With Men’s style, you guys really know what you’re saying. Sujoy, Kolkota Hey there Sujoy. Take it easy little dude! True one can go all deep into men’s dressing if one wants to but what the heck. Why do you think jeans were invented? Don’t think too much into it. Say, on some blue day, when you’re feeling too confused, just throw on a pair of jeans and the trick is done! Don’t be too blown away by all the style, it’s the exterior mate. Be updated, be smart, keep reading and the style sense will follow. P.S: The Patek Philippe is a personal favourite.

Best Letter Win The Body Shop® Gift Hamper

ROOOAR Energy for Skin with The Body Shop’s new FOR MEN Maca Root Collection with Peruvian maca root which is famous for it’s energizing and libido enhancing properties. All letters published on this page will get The Body Shop’s FOR MEN Maca Root Face Wash. Winner will get Gift hamper of 3 products from The Body Shop’s FOR MEN Maca Root Collection. ENERGISING, SOOTHING & PROTECTING GROOMING PRODUCTS.

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FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

07.09

Girl High street honey Jokes Map Explainer

Incoming

The hottest things that matter this month...

Payal Rohatgi

She’s gorgeous, hot and boy does she know it. Oh, and she acts too! (drool, drool, drool) looks smokin...and boy does she know it. “I drive men crazy. I think us women should look hot and there is absolutely no harm in it,” says Payal. We agree Payal, it would be blasphemous to think otherwise. A few movies and a reality show later this hottie is ready to set ﬁlm reels on ﬁre. Talking about reality, Big Boss was about reality wasn’t it? “The back-biting and cruel behaviour was all real. Most of the women disliked me from day one. All that’s water under the bridge now as Bollywood beckons,” says Payal. This bombshell has selective offers in her kitty but she is not giving us details just yet. Wait and watch is all she tells us. Wait and watch we will...with bated breath. In the meantime, allow this hottie to take you through our smokin pages. PAYA L R O H AT G I

People call you a bombshell, how many hearts have you blown up? I’ve lost count of it. The hearts that I’ve blown up so far have not been worth it so I didn’t care to keep track. (Laughs) Incoming Map, pg 16 Broken hearts aside, we are assuming that you have quite a heart. Do you see films with a message making it to mainstream cinema in Bollywood? What do you think Bollywood needs to do get these films to the fore? Bollywood keeps their commercial aspect in mind and rightly so. However TV is a good medium since it’s reach is more. Indie cinema, pg 56 008

FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

Staying with films, you have a super sexy image, think you will ever want to be a part of an independent film? Oh totally. My glam image got me into the industry but I know I have to progress from being a super glam girl to a serious actress. Indie cinema, pg 58 Averse to video games, how about books? Especially if it’s about SRK. Sound interesting? Oh yes. Khan chronicles, pg 60 SRK has been around for eons. Think he still has sex appeal? Oh totally, I love SRK so some may call me biased but he had it in Fauji and he still oozes it now. In fact he is even yummier now. Khan chronicles, pg 60 Tripping over SRK, how about cars? Are you a good driver? I drive men crazy, why then have the stress of driving a car? I think us women should just look pretty and allow the guy to control the car (and that is the only thing he need control...laughs) Grand rides, pg 32 Staying with men, women are practically wetting their pants over men in their 30’s. Are men in ther 30’s really hotter than the ones in their 20’s? Of course, men in the 20’s are dumb and too full of themselves. On the other hand, men in 30’s

07/09

FOR HIM MAGAZINE 009

INCOMING

GIRL

have a perspective on life. They’ve been with their share of women and know how to woo a woman. Besides they are stable, consistent and earning. The 30’s rule completely and TOTALLY! 30’s the new 20’s, pg 50 Any first time confessions you’d like to spill out? Big Boss is my confession. Don’t arch those eye-brows, I am talking about the Big Boss experience with the people. Man, the women hated me from day one and the men well, a few were nice and a few were worse than women! Virgin diaries, pg 100 Your take on ridiciulous virginity theories We are hypocrites when it comes to a lot of theories. We have 1.2 billion people and counting. It’s time we blew these theories out and focus on the truth about sex. Hickie, pg 106 That’s strong and forceful, any particular sex advice you give your pals? Yes, practice SAFE SEX. And I cannot reiterate that stronger. Miss FHM, pg 103 Safe sex. We are assuming you are not much of an adventure junkie then, are you? (Laughs) Where did you get that from! I beg to differ. I came to Mumbai with just Rs 10,000 in my pocket. I didn’t know the city but I found my way and made it. That is rather adventurous I’d say. FHM 100 Greatest Adventures, pg 62 So the train ride to the city was adventurous, what about bikes. Think they add to a guys sex appeal? Yes of course, bikes do a man’s personality. I think they have a macho kind of look. One life to ride, pg 86

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FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

Even if there is a scrawny guy riding it? Ugh no. A scrawny guy has no personality to add to. He doesn’t need a bike, he needs serious help and a makeover. One life to ride, pg 86 Fitnes mantra The surya namaskar, breathing exercises, and all the chakras keep me looking and feeling fabulous. I am sure all the men will agree. Lose half a stone, pg 98 Bboying is quite a rage now. But it does seem like the dancers will lose their hair with all those twirls. Ever tried break dancing? Losing hair or not, I would love to try this form of dance. I can manage some belly movements and I do it rather well, if I say so myself. So yeah even though I’ve never tried it, I would love to. Hey can I have the number to that dance studio? Bboying, pg 16 Okay, from physical fitness to fitness of the soul. Think you have a social conscience? Of course I do, I am a beauty with brains and a conscience. (Laughs) I have been working with an NGO that rehabilitates drug addicts for quite a while now. I have only recently blogged about it to raise more awareness. Talking of society though, we live in a rather hypocritical one. Most people get social concious only when it’s media driven. Rant, pg 16

erotic writers because we are still a very cloistered society when it comes to sex. It’s high time we talk about sex and sexuality because that is the only way people will be aware of everything. Vices arise because of deprivation and writers like Kamala Das are a few who try and break out of the so called ‘normal’ mould. Kamala Das, pg 16

Kamala Das was one of the most influential feminist writers. She wrote brilliant erotic poetry. Like it? Do you think we need more female erotic writers? I have not read Leela yet, but now I am going to. I do believe India needs more feminist

Terminator has been sweeping the globe. Like the movie? I am not an action movie fan at all. I am all for mush as I am a die-hard romantic. With due respect to Christian Bale, I will leave Terminator the movie to my brother and his friends. Hollywood, pg 16

Poor Chistian Bale! So, have you ever been backpacking? You upto living in hostels and motels and well just roughing it out? Oh, I so want to go backpacking. I am always up to trying something different and love a challenge. I have to admit though that I am not willing to give up luxury completely. But I wouldn’t mind roughing it out for one trip. So yeah, I know that living in hostels and motels sans the luxury will be different, but it sure will be fun too. I simply cannot wait. That and yeah I am hoping to have a crazy adventure on my trip too. Watch this space for more... The travelling yogi, pg 16

INCOMING

HONEY

Snita Mehay the form of a sweet cameo in his next ﬁlm “Luck”. So she’s through with the whole bollydrill now, with the acting classes and dance classes and horse - riding. Oops! Sorry, that’s for the old-school “hero” types. So yeah, the girl has already put her pretty pink foot in the door (bloody nice legs!) and all that is left is to hear the news of her actual big bolly debut. Well, don’t worry honey. In bollywood, good things always happen with pretty people!

FHM HIGH STREET HONEY

WORDS: REZA NOORANI, PHOTOGRAPH COURTESY: GLOBOSPORT

Lucky Brit! Another Brit lass to hit our shores this time is Snita Mehay, a very ﬁt looking desi chick with features so neat and sharp, they could cut rock! Hers is a regular bollywood story which goes something like - girl comes to India to ﬁnd her roots, loves the place, bumps into a guy and stays back. Only difference being the guy in question was director Soham Shah who offered her a golden ticket to Bollywood in

07/09

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INCOMING

INDULGENCE

Launch Pad Each month, the best way to navigate your hard earned cash

Pull

Sweep ProBook – Blending Business Chic with Affordability The ProBook offers style and substance for business users. It packs a tremendous amount

HP Pavilion dv3 Series – The Show Stopper!! Lightweight and sleek, the HP Espresso Black Imprint gives mobile entertainment that ﬁts into your bag. Watch movies on your 13.3-inch diagonal LED widescreen display with the new 16:9 widescreen panel. Mobile computing and entertainment at its best! Price: Starts at Rs. 50,990 of style and great features that will captivate and hook small and medium business users. The keyboard’s innovative layout provides visually open and raised keys which give better handling. Price: Starts at Rs. 40,990

HTC Magic HTC Magic Smartphone It opens up a new experience for Airtel users. A tablet-style device, with a sleek design & extraordinary compactness for a smartphone, it presents a supreme mobile internet and multimedia experience. Enhanced with Outlook synchronisation, and an onscreen keyboard with predictive text, the HTC Magic is a true entertainment and communication powerhouse. Airtel customers can avail many utility based applications such as Portfolio Manager, Hello Tunes Manager, Mobshare, Inmobile search and City Search. Price: Price on request. 012

FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

Cover Drive

Straight Drive HP Pavilion dv6 Series Entertainment Notebook PC - Straight to your heart If you’re a tech junkie then this baby will totally connect with you. It’s Invisible controls come alive with glowing luminosity once powered up. Handsomely glazed in the HP Imprint of Espresso Black, this piece of technical wizardry will empower and elevate your mobile lifestyle to a whole new level. Price: Starts at Rs. 40,990.

HP Mini 110 - Every Fashionistas delight Geared towards information “snacking” and content enjoyment, the HP Mini 110 is perfect for life on the go! If the pink doesn’t suit you, choose between crazy Black Swirl and White Swirl combos! Price: Starts at Rs 22,990.

Cut Shot Compaq 610 Notebook PC – Fits every budget! The notebook PC is light and attractive. With starting weight of only 2.49kgs, it is a perfect computing partner. The 16:9 ratio, 15.6 – inch diagonal LEDbacklit high deﬁnition widescreen display produces images similar to HDTV. Price: Starts at Rs. 33,500.

Hook HP Pavilion dv2 - Entertainment on the go! The stylishly sleek but loaded machine delivers even more power and performance. Inspired by liquid metallic forms, the clean architectural line of this notebook is complimented by a 12.1” LED Backlit Widescreen display and a glossy chrome ﬁnish. Price: Starts at Rs 38,490.

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Race-Vent_gloves 06/09 FOR HIM MAGAZINE

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Jokes

Being funny, so you don’t have to… READERS’ JOKES

Going blind

This one day my wife caught me when I was masturbating intensely to one of those raunchy magic eye pictures. .. I looked her in the eye and told her, “it’s not what it looks like honey!” Tim, Castle Carey

Final furlong A woman was considering buying an ageing, broken down thoroughbred horse but wanted a veterinarian’s opinion of the nag before she could go ahead and finalise the deal. When the vet had completed his examination, she asked him, “Will I be able to race him?” The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. “Sure,” he replied, “and you’ll probably win!” Tommy, Whitechapel

Chef’s special A man walks down the street and sees a sign hanging outside a restaurant, advertising that the chef will prepare anything for the customer, no matter how unusual it might be. The man walks inside and tells the waiter, “I want a big brown, fresh steaming plate of shit.” The waiter replies, “I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that, it’s impossible.” The man reminds him about what the sign out front claims. The waiter sighs and says he will go and talk to the chef, see if it’s possible. The waiter goes back to the kitchen and explains the man’s odd request. The chef agrees to it, and he and the waiter drop their trousers and have a steaming, groaning dump on a plate. The waiter takes the plate out to the man. Five minutes later, the server returns to the kitchen covered from head to toe in shit. The chef asks, “What in hell’s name happened to you?” The waiter replies, “He said there was a hair in it!” Tim, Ledbury

The facts of life One night, little Johnny walks in on his mum and dad having some hardcore sex. Surprised, he says, “What the heck are you guys doing?” His dad, an understanding bloke replies, “Making you a brother or a sister.” The little boy thinks for a moment then says, “Do it doggy style please, I really want a puppy this christmas!” Craig, via e-mail 014

FOR HIM MAGAZINE 07/09

Joke of the month A close shave An American’s at work when he gets a call from the hospital informing him that his wife’s been in an accident. He rushes to A&E where he's met by the doc. The doctor speaks solemnly. The guy interrupts. Guy: “Doc, don't tell me she’s dead. I can’t take it. I love her.” Doctor: “I do have bad news.” Guy: “Doc, did she make it?” Doctor: “We did all we could. She's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here tonight.” The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: “With the right care, which will include you feeding her ﬁve times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care, she'll live for at least another 30 years." The guy’s in tears. Doctor: “Your insurance doesn’t cover this. I suggest you put your house on the market and buy a mobile home. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs. By then, you should be able to qualify for beneﬁts.” Now the guy’s sobbing. The doctor reaches over and says, “Hey, look at me.” The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, “I'm just messing with you, she's dead.” David Allan, via e-mail

From the professionals

This month’s best gags from people paid to be funny

Favourite son

I mean, they don’t grade fathers. But if your daughter’s a stripper, you screwed up.

Wordsmith I was talking to Pete Doherty the other day and he told me, “When it comes to drugs, I’m totally addicted.” I said, “I know, but don’t call me Ted.” Gary Hatcher, Camden

God bless America My neighbours are proper loud and obnoxious a-holes. Now I exactly know how poor Canada must feel. Barry, Inverness

Good dodge A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. The boy said to his manager, “Some tosser outside wants to buy a half-head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We admire people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?” “Originally from Essex, sir,” the boy replied. “Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked. “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers out there.” “Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.” “No shit!” the boy replied. “Which team does she play for?” Blake, Sevenoaks

They say you can never go home again, well at least that’s what my parents say. I’m adopted, and I’m glad my parents were honest enough to tell me that I’m adopted, but did they have to do it every bloody day?

A nation of one

Softly, softly

Baby’s day out

I’ve imagined Chad to be this fenced-off area. When you go in there’s just this white dude in a vest going, “What’s up? It’s me, Chad. Welcome to my African nation. The Play Station’s in the back , you want to grab a Snapple?”

Hardwood floors totally suck when it comes to cheating. When you’re coming back in late, every ancient floorboard seems to go, “Cheeeater, liiiiiar, She looooooves you.” “Shhh, shut the hell up you stupid floor!”

“I have got a little baby and he is two. He doesn’t speak or anything, he’s a slow learner - he says: car and map. I’m really worried if he’s trying to escape or not. If his next word is passport, we are definately in serious trouble!”

INCOMING

JOKES

From the 1000 best jokes ever TICKET TO RIDE

TOUGH EQUATION

As the cofﬁn was being lowered into the ground at a trafﬁc warden’s funeral, a voice screamed from inside the box, “I’m not dead! I’m not dead! I’ m really not dead!” To which the vicar shouted back, “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!”

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersﬁeld. 3.14159265 dead.

TOP OF THE WORLD

SCOTCH MIST

Last night my wife let me go on top. I love bunk beds!

Being from Scotland, I love the summer. It’s my favourite day of the year.

FILE UNDER CLASSIC A lady in a library wants a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

BIRD ON A WIRE I’ve entered my pet eagle in an avian showbiz contest… It’s called India’s Got Talons.

IDLE THUMBS I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag and think, ‘I’ll have that!’

SIMPLE Like most people my age, I’m 27.

GOING UNDER My mate drowned in a half-empty bathtub yesterday… and he was normally so optimistic.

BRAVE NEW WORLD What did Christopher Columbus say to the men before they got on the ship? “Men, get on the ship.” 07/09

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Novaya Zemlya, Russia On October 30, 1961, the Russians detonated the world’s biggest bomb, RDS220 (known to the presumably terrified West as the ‘Tsar bomb’). It created an 8kmwide fireball, a flash of light visible from a distance of 1,000km and broke windows 900km away. The bomb weighed 27 tonnes and the blast yield was 50 megatons – the same as all the explosives used in World War II combined.

Orenburg Nuclear test, Russia

Pakistan’s nuclear testing

The Vela incident, South Atlantic Boom! Shake, shake, shake the planet – on September 22, 1979, the United States’ Vela satellite picked up a ‘double ﬂash’ in the Southern Atlantic that was consistent with a nuclear bomb. Everyone shrugged their shoulders and claimed “it wasn’t us”. But in 1994 a South African general claimed that it was in fact them, with the help of the Israelis. Slapped wrists and kosher biltong all round.

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With India ramping up the stakes, Pakistan got into the nuclear act on May 28, 1998, by announcing that it had conducted ﬁve nuclear tests. The devices tested had yields between the sub-kiloton range and 25kt. Shortly afterwards they took India to the pub and settled their differences over a beer. And then they woke up in the shower and realised it had all been a horrible dream.

North Korea On October 9, 2006, North Korea – the baddies – possibly became the world’s ninth nuclear power after a device was detonated underground near P’unggye-yok. If it was a Lop Nor, China nuke, it was relatively small at 12-15kt (a shade under the Occupying an area of over bomb at Hiroshima), and, 100,000km2, with over weirdly, the stealthy dog2 2,000km of highways, K Lop eaters gave a six-day warning. Nor is the world’s largest Mind you, said notice did stop nuclear test site. And it gets a the West freaking out and bit of use. Since testing began launching a full-scale attack. in 1964, China has conducted an average of one trial every 284 days.

India’s nuclear testing at Pokhran Sure ‘smiling Buddha’ sounds nice, but it wasn’t. It was India’s ﬁrst nuclear detonation on May 18, 1974. The underground test produced a crater reported as being between 47m and 75m wide and 10m deep. After 24 years without testing, India resumed in May 1998.

In 1954 Soviets dropped a 40-kiloton weapon on the Totskoye testing range. Then in order to ‘test’ the “performance of military hardware and soldiers in the event of a nuclear war”, Marshal Georgi Zhukov ordered 600 tanks, 6,000 armoured personnel carriers, 320 planes and 45,000 people to move toward the epicentre in order to stage a mock battle. Cue death, death and more death. Still, at least docs were on hand. Er, no they weren’t. The Ruskies denied medical care, falsiﬁed records and claimed the test never took place.

Combat sites Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan This was not a test. On August 6, 1945, the US dropped a 12kt bomb called ‘Little Boy’ on Hiroshima killing 70,000 people. Three days later they dropped ‘Fat Man’ on Nagasaki, killing 40,000 instantly. The two nukes were dropped by the US as part of the Potsdam declaration – a UK/US diktat telling the Japanese empire to surrender or face “the inevitable and complete destruction of the Japanese armed forces and, just as inevitably, the utter devastation of the Japanese homeland”. No kidding.

INCOMING

MAP

Nevada, USA This desert was peppered with around 1,000 blasts between 1951 and 1992, and in the early days Uncle Sam was fond of experimenting. Project Plowshare, for example, attempted to use nuclear explosives to slash the time it took to dig a hole in the construction industry. The initial device was placed 635ft underground, and left a crater 1,280ft wide and 320ft deep – way bigger than required. The programme was closed in 1977 – party because it cost $700m, and partly because it was daft.

WHERE IN THE WORLD?

Trinity, New Mexico The ﬁrst nuclear explosion was conducted here on July 16, 1945, and it saw every living thing within a mile of the blast obliterated. Realising the power of his invention, bomb creator J Robert Oppenheimer aptly opined: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Bomb sites

FHM charts all the nuclear detonations since 1945

Bikini atoll, Marshall Islands, South Paciﬁc In February 1946, 146 atollians were forced off their islands so the Yanks could carry out nuclear tests. Some of them never returned home, mainly because they didn’t have one. One of the atolls was totally vaporised, disappearing into a gigantic mushroom cloud that spread out 100 miles wide, while Enewetak atoll suffered 42 atmospheric explosions.

Christmas Islands, South Paciﬁc Britain’s too small for us to test nukes at home, so between 1957 and 1958 the Christmas Islands in the Paciﬁc got lucky with six test detonations ranging from 1kt, to 3 megatons. The US has also bombed the decidedly un-festive islands 24 times. Despite this, a survey in 1975 found contamination levels were no higher than in most US cities.

a e n USA USSR Franc Chin akista P

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K A E R B L A E R T I FHM hangs out with a crew of sweaty breakdancers to know how they break in style. WORDS: REZA NOORANI, ILLUSTRATOR: AJAY PARADKAR

Starting in the early seventies in back alleys and parking lots of America, B-boying or break dancing has sure taken a long time to come to India, but it is finally in. The Arts in motion studio at Sion, Mumbai is the only one currently that teaches breaking to a packed class of some young and some not-so-young people. There’s a heady mix of teenagers dressed all “gangsta” with skull caps, big shiny silver medallions, trucker hats and old school kicks doing some complex looking but stylish moves. As FHM settles down in the far corner of the studio eyeing all the sweaty but hot college girls learning their b-girling (female for b-boying!) we realised the just how bloody sexy the moves are! The dance form is 018

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very provocative; a total show-off you can say, but in a nice way! If you see it in motion, it is a bunch of people dressed all gangsta standing in a circle listening to the beats. One little “brotha” (FHM went all ghetto for this one) comes clapping in between the circle biting his lower lip in full steam, giving the “eye” and does something weird with his feet like how gary coleman did, skipping left and right. They call it toprock, we later came to know. He then falls fast towards the floor and starts humping the ground in a frenzied motion like fish do when out of water! A couple of seconds in it, the “botha” turns left and humps the damn ground sideways! A few tricks here and there and after that the unbelievable; this little half a

penny dude lays on the floor, plops up balancing on his head, does something weird with his hands and before you know it he is right there, standing upright in a weird but astonishingly cool move! You just have see it to believe it and when you do, you can’t help but give it up to the little fella! What we also noticed was that there needs to be an underlying style to breaking which our Indian brothers lack a little bit. Reason being, we are so besotted by the bollywood pelvic thrusts that our sense of style is screwed up beyond measures! To break with style you need to get rid of the silly bollywood moves, keep your mind free, listen to the beats and let all the cool humping begin!

BREAK-DANCE

Toprock: This is flashy footwork. Remember little African kids in the fifties tapdancing to ‘Bimbo’ by Jim Reeves? Something like that. The steps include; basic top rock, Indian step, uprock and side step. All these are a string of complex spins, foot shuffles, turns, and other intensively creative movements. Toprock is more like a battle really, only difference being; you ain’t really fighting homeboy, you is top rocking!

Power moves: These are crazy gravity defying gymnast type moves which make you think, how in thell these guys don’t puke while they spin! I mean, once when I spun my little cousin all fast on a chair, the little guy puked like a fountain! Anyway, the moves include 1990; a rapidly spinning onehanded handstand, the 2000; a fast-spinning two handed handstand & suicide; understandably the most painful looking move of all! There’s obviously no break without the music. The kind of music you can break on varies from electro, R&B, jazz, disco, funk and even rock! Whatever the music, there needs to be a proper rhythm going with some good, pumping beats at around 110 to 140 beats per minute. Best tracks to break are: It’s Like That - Run DMC - Clear ● Freestyle - The Party Has ●

● Cybotron

Downrock: Downrock is when you is go down on your hands and do weird ass cartwheels with your feet! Jokes apart, this series of moves is absolutely gravity defying. Remember the way borat dances, with the ‘squatting to shit’ posture with his hands folded doing the bunny hopping cartwheel thing? It is some thing similar to that. The various steps include 2 step, 3 step, 4 step, 5 step, 6 step and the helicopter! (hahaa)

Just Begun ● Freestyle - Don’t Stop The Rock ● Smoke weed every daySnoop dogg ● Jamie Jupitor (Egyptian Lover) - Computer Power ● Grand Master Flash Scorpio ● Planet Patrol - Play At Your Own Risk ● Newcleus - Jam On It ● Pretty Tony - Jam The Box ● Twilight 22 - Electric Kingdom ● World Class Wreckin’ Cru - Juice

Freezes: A freeze is when the break dancer freezes his entire body for a second or two in a very interesting position. Some of the freeze positions are so interestingly weird that you may just start looking for the bboy’s fallen nuts! Combine the freezes with a wild spin and you have something quite interesting going on. Various freezes include planche, baby freeze, airchair and a pike! One freeze is equal to 30 bloody push ups!

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INCOMING

EXPLAINER

this back 1Why’s in the news?

Woolly mammoths. Yup, you read it right. The hairy giant may have been extinct for around 5,000 years, but the brains at Penn State University’s Mammoth Genome Project are boasting that they’ve pieced together the ﬁrst ever complete genomewide sequence of any longdead animal.

I can bring back Bruno?

Sure can. Edgar and Nina Otto shelled out $155,000 to have a bitch impregnated with an egg containing their dead dog Lancelot’s DNA. Lo: in January Lancelot Encore was born. “He looks just like him,” gushed Nina, before Edgar piped up, “We’ve gotten some negative feedback on the price. But we feel he’s worth it.” Agree? Bestfriendsagain.com has one slot left. Price: $180,000…

Cloning

I beg your pardon?

By extracting information from the preserved hairs of a 20,000-year-old mammoth preserved in the Siberian permafrost, CSI-style, the researchers have managed to piece together a chain of over 4 billion DNA bases. Project leader Professor Stephan C Schuster believes his team’s research is “100 times more extensive than other published datasets for an extinct species” and claims it may “one day help researchers to bring the woolly mammoth back to life”. 020

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Say hello to Me 2.0…

Woah there, Rico Dredd. The embryos only survived a few days. But last year US scientists cloned the embryo of a monkey. A breakthrough Professor Alison Murdoch of the North-East England Stem Cell Institute says is “evidence that nuclear reprogramming is feasible in primates”. That said, cloning to create a human baby has been illegal since 2001, so for now you’ll have to make do with resurrecting your pet pooch.

What about humans?

No doppelgängers yet, but Kentucky-based fertility doctor Panos Zavos says they could roam among us very soon. The controversial Cypriot medic boasted he’d created two “potentially viable” human embryos from dead people in 2004. He hadn’t, but his claim sparked a lot of research, and in 2005 a team from Newcastle University cloned Britain’s ﬁrst human embryos.

Screw sheep, science guys could soon create decent beasts

That’s a crock of utter bullshit

Our reaction, too, but it could technically be possible. All you need is a genome code (got) and the egg of a suitable surrogate species to host the embryo. And in the woolly mammoth’s case such an animal exists in the form of the African elephant. The species genetically split from the mammoth six million years ago but still maintains a similar genetic coding, making embryo-hosting feasible.

Welcome to Jurassic Park…

Not quite. Although DNA recipes are being cooked up for a number of cool but When can we resurrect them? currently extinct species – the sabre-toothed tiger, the Not today, not tomorrow, but Neanderthal man, the Irish elk, certainly during our lifetime. the moa, the woolly rhinoceros, Akira Iritani the chairman of the ground sloth and the dodo, the Mammoth Creation Project to name but a few – dinosaurs at Kinki University in Japan will not be making a return. reckons his team can “produce a Even in ideal conditions, like creature that is 88% mammoth ice, genetic information can’t within 50 years”. survive a million years.

Filmmaker Onir invites you to join a unique social networking based filmmaking movement... While most of us while away our time on Facebook updating status messages and checking photo albums of friends of friends, filmmaker Onir Anirban has emerged as the first filmmaker to utilise the power of social networking as a tool for creating cinema with a difference. Onir received critical acclaim across the world for his sensitive and heartfelt cinema and shed light on the issues that are rarely, if ever, dealt with in Indian mainstream cinema. And now, with his next project, a series of five sensitive short films revolving around darker side of social issues like child abuse and nexus between the cops and male sex workers, Onir is charting a new course in filmmaking. “My friend and partner in Anticlock Films, Sanjay Suri has been the driving force behind this initiative,” Onir explains. “I have a few projects lined up with corporate houses that I have been working with for the past two projects. When the thought of making these five short films came to us, we knew that these subjects were controversial and the established mainstream film production houses would have some reservations in backing these. So, instead of approaching them, Sanjay came up with this thought of using social networking to involve people from non-filmmaking background in the process. Four years ago, when we made My Brother Nikhil, we had pooled in the money from friends and

family. And we had succeeded. So, this time Sanjay and I decided to take the next step and go beyond the immediate circle of people we knew.” The result was a unique initiative where Onir has offered ownership of the films to be made to people from across the globe. While Onir was hopeful about the response the initiative will generate, he was surprised and overwhelmed with the support that the films have got. People from all over the world have come forward with open arms to support the initiative. “There are so many people who want to be a part of the filmmaking project. With these short films, I have made filmmaking accessible to these people. You do not need to invest crores of rupees to own a film now. Through this initiative, you can become the owner with as little as a thousand rupees and get your name in the credit list. If you invest above a lakh of rupees, you actually become a partner and get a share in profits the film will make. But it is not just filmmaking that has excited people. This is meaningful cinema. The stories I have selected had a power to move me, disturb me. I believed that these stories need to be told. In a sense, these are personal and intimate stories. Not just to me, but also to those who have come forward with their help. Abhimanyu revolves around child abuse. When I started the film, I was aware of the statistics that one in every

Rs 5,000 to Rs 25,000 Acknowledgements in the end credits(Treated as donation/ pledge/feel good gesture) Rs 25,000 to Rs 100,000 Return of your contribution at the time of the final film release and acknowledgement in the end credits Rs 100,000 to Rs 15,00,000 – Acknowledgements in the beginning titles of the film and proportionate share in the profits. Cheques to be made for Anticlock Films Pvt. Ltd. and sent to: Anticlock Films, Bungalow No. 181, Parikh Bungalow, First Floor, Aram Nagar II, J P Road, Andheri (W), Mumbai - 400061 India. For any queries: drop an email to abhimanyu.anticlockfilms@ gmail.com or call Amar: 9833748111 FHM

The Films Abhimanyu deals with the story of a survivor of sex abuse. Omar, the next one is about the nexus between the police and male sex workers to entrap gay men. Afia is about a girl working in an NGO who discovers how deep the corruption in the system is. Onir is still developing the 4th and 5th stories called Megha and Rudra, respectively. So what’s the Deal ? Well the deal is simple and here’s the break up

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

The bigger picture

ﬁve male children and one in every three girl child goes through some sort of child abuse. However, I was in Bangalore recently and one NGO activist told me that according to recent data, almost 63 per cent of children experience some sort of sexual abuse. That is a huge number. And most often, the abuse is at the hands of elder cousins who are just teenagers and experimenting with porn. They see these things and then the younger siblings become victim of their experimentation. It is shocking but people need to face these facts. The ﬁve stories we have chosen revolve around the central theme of fear – be it fear of society or fear of family or fear of unfair system...” Onir explains. So, here is your chance to be a part of a movement. All you need is a thousand rupees and a desire to be a part of something bigger than an individual self. If you want to become a part of this initiative, all you need to do is log on to iamabhimanyu.blogspot.com and decide as to what extent you can get involved.

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CAUSE

Rs 1,000 to Rs 5,000 Acknowledgements on the blog/facebook and DVD Booklet(Treated as donation/ pledge/feel good gesture) 07/09

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M Y WAY O R T H E H I G H WAY

The Indians are coming... Nipping that irritating little parasite called racism in its bud.

he racism row in Australia has been heating up the pages of papers and magazines. It also received attention on TV. I was pleasantly surprised to see that even BBC gave it ample footage. It seems that we will not accept injustice as a people and even Bapu would have been proud of the way we fought against injustice. We did not give up, accept it, run away or strike back (barring a couple of incidents that sounded doubtful and lame, even by Aussie media standards) and for fighting the good fight we both are proud Indians today. For once the Government backed its citizens and it seems to be a fight we are winning. We hope many lessons will be taken from this by our youth and our polity. Let’s get a few things straight. There is no excuse for racism! NONE. No matter how many jobs we take, no matter how ‘brown’ we are and no 022

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matter how ﬂashy our gizmos happen to be. Racist behaviour is boorish and intolerant. I hope you all agree. If you do not then go to another page. If you do agree, read on. An English newspaper has been running a campaign about racism in India with great effect. I’ve been following the articles and confess that they ring true. As early as I can remember the word ‘chinky’ has been throw at people from the North East. If I was in their place it would drive me to fury. There is no cause for that language. How about the terms for minorities? Why stop at minorities. We treat our women terribly too. We insult overweight people, we laugh at people with physical disabilities and if you look deep down inside you will realize with horror how true ALL the above statements are. Is this what we have become? Is this the future of our nation? A country where the majority is obnoxious,

boorish, ill mannered and insensitive? For Gods sake please stop spewing and start reﬂecting. Do what you can to stop this poison from spreading cause every time you hear these terms and words and stay quiet you are allowing it to grow. We stop it. Any where and anytime we hear rubbish like this we nip it in the bud. At a combined weight of over 200 kg you may say it is easier for us and I would agree but a 200 kg combined weight can be easily reached with 3 or 4 people too. Let’s realize that India is one. We are free to go where we like without harassment. And that includes you, and every Mallu, madrassi, gujjju, mullah, chinky, bahadur, chamar, bhangi, bhikari, madrasi, bhaiya, mota, langda, andha, tota, chikni, sexy, and any other idiotic word you can think of. We belong to at least 2 of the above categories (each). Without exception we have demanded an apology and

mostly got one. When it has not been tended it has been taken with a little persuasion, but we have never allowed it to pass. Neither should you. We spent almost 4 weeks traveling all over the NE India. Keeping our base in Orissa. We covered all states except Manipur. We were advised not to go there for reasons that I neither accept nor agree with. We were told that because we were not ‘locals’ we would be at risk. Now that too is racism. The fear of being killed or kidnapped if you do not belong is racism. What the ‘SENAS’ are doing in Maharashtra, Karnataka and Orissa is racism too. Bit by bit our country is once again being encouraged to polarize. People give offence without any sort of provocation and people take offense too damn easily. Let us look at what is wrong with ME as an individual. Let us fix it because that is something each one of us can do. Why should I suffer if a few idiots in small pockets across the country want to take and give offence to each other? I am an Indian. Let’s fight the good fight. Thank you for reading ladies, gentlemen, brothers and sisters. Peace and respect. Jai Hind. FHM The authors are Rocky Singh and Mayur Sharma, anchors of Highway On My Plate on NDTV Good Times.

ommunal harmony in India is and has always been a big sweet sounding lie. I mean, when have humans ever been able to exist (forget about living) in peace when divided in different fractions. Even the cavemen fought to bits when it came to territories. Doesn’t history tell us that? Think about the numerous battles fought, and the best we could come up with was United Nations! It’s so frustrating it makes you laugh. Come to think about it, you feel like breaking the pretty done up face of every silicone implanted bimbette who’s gone up there on the stage in beauty pageants and asked for world peace. Why kid around honey? In all fairness, you know you’d rather have another big screen T.V! And, If there is a God who actually does represent at least one of the many million religions then he’d be a scared little omnipotent dude, hiding way up somewhere in the sky. Cause he knows he knows he screwed up. He screwed up big time. One look at our history and you know the social conscience of the past couple of dozen generations including ours has gone to the dogs. How do we know that? There are indicators for stuff like that. Like the millions of refugees living like hunted animals, in a constant fear of death. The homeless people under our city bridges hiding behind blue plastic sheets when it rains. Like the increase in the number of displaced villagers who may have lived a respectable life back home but live like vermin on the city streets begging for food. A large increase in the number of drug addicts and ﬂip outs who’d rather have their brains be fried and remain stoned to the bone than take take in the high pressure bullshit reality doing rounds. With every passing generation we hope that the social conscience changes but for India at least, I feel there may be tough days ahead. Why? Cause we’re riding high on the growth train now. Making a whole lot of cash by privatising businesses, exporting all sorts of goods even human beings. There are Indian labourers sweating it out in the Arabian deserts, living in houses made of tin in the sweltering desert, building castles for the

rich and sending a couple of grand back home, which the government says is a very proﬁtable form of foreign earning! I think the problem begins when a country starts to measure it’s people on the scale of economics. And they said Guru Dutt was being morose for no reason when he wrote “Duniya..”! He was bang on, along with Hunter Thompson and Dylan and the skid-row laureate, Bukowski. They say, when a society screws up, it’s artists and poets are the ones who get togather and revive its conscience. So where are our all knowing artists and poets? Oh, hang on. They’re busy writing loose motion clever sounding lyrics at break neck speeds for item numbers, making their business managers run daily marathons collecting cheques! Where are all our music clubs with a buzz of revolution in the air, coffee stains on the tables and a smell of hemp in the atmosphere? Where are our hobby clubs

around his thick skull when he tells this to their faces, our youth breaks down on camera whining like a dog. Makes me wonder of what material are those excellent strong chains made, which can bind the social conscience of a whole generation so tight, that daylight of freedom escapes our designer bodies! What in sweet heavens name is that opiate on which we are so stoned that we cannot see the mulch we are swirling in! Ever been walking though you city at night? If you have, you might’ve seen the endless queues of homeless people, mangy dogs (even they are starting to evolve into thin hyena like creatures), mountains of wet slimy ﬁlth and rats the size of cannon balls. It shakes your reality to the ground. And every morning as the sunlight sweeps away the night reality, a day reality comes into place for a few light hours, where all of it cannot be seen. Will we conbtinue living the remainder of our precious lives this way? Think about it, cause we live only once... FHM

rant...

PICTURE COURTESY: NIGEL JAIRAJ

RANT

eneration. on the death of a g

where people discover the talents they posses and continue building up on them? I think, having a hobby connects people to their inner selves which does have a conscience. It’s honest cause we’re doing it for ourselves. Where are our book appreciation societies? Where is art for the masses, without all the wine and cheese and fake glamour bullshit? Where are our songs? Where are the parks and what in the hell happened to our song birds? All you see around are just crows these days. Instead of starting a movement, our young people plunder and rape in long ques of reality shows wanting to become the next roadie. And when they get in after a 10 hour wait, they’re told they are not real enough. They are not the all knowing, uber cool, original badasses. Instead of whacking the bald dude right

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07.09

Films Techknow

Reviews Your leisure time – rated and sorted

Terminator Salvation FHM weighs up this month’s Arnie-less fourth cyborg instalment Terminator Salvation Who: Christian Bale (growly), Sam Worthington (metally), Anton Yelchin (diddy), Moon Bloodgood (sexy) What’s it about? It’s 2018, shortly after the nuclear holocaust in T3, and Terminators in various incarnations – some looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 026

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T-800, others looking like motorbikes or eels – rule. Their goal? To obliterate humanity. Enter John Connor (Bale), whose ‘Resistance’ takes these mechanoids on. But there’s one problem: a wandering Death Row inmate, Marcus Wright (Worthington), thinks he might be a prototype for the ﬁrst Terminator. The twist: Terminator-hater Connor and potential T-600 Marcus must save a young Kyle Reese (who boffed Connor’s mum in the original, played by Anton Yelchin). Otherwise, Connor’s mum will die, John won’t be born, Marcus won’t ﬁnd out if his willy’s robotic and The Machines will prevail.

Why we’re excited: ‘Batman’ Bale’s in the lead. Director McG (that’s his name) told FHM on set at New Mexico’s Kirtland Air Force Base that T4 is thematically similar to futuredoomed corkers Children Of Men, Star Wars, Mad Max 2, and Pulitzer Prize-winning book The Road. Paul Haggis (Casino Royale) and Jonathan Nolan (The Dark Knight) also fine-tuned the script. Arnie approved his likeness so we’ll see the genesis of the T-800. Plus, the resistance fighter Moon Bloodgood is crazy-hot. Why we’re concerned: McG has never made a sci-fi

film (see those two Charlie’s Angels turkeys). And having five different kinds of Terminators undermines original director James Cameron’s awesomely terrifying sci-fi horror vision of a robotic assassin clandestinely moving amongst us. British luvvie Helena Bonham Carter playing the main baddie? Hmm. But our main gripe? The reintroduction of Kyle Reese, which resurrects the question: how can someone who’s younger than you – that you sent back from the future – sleep with your mum to become your father? Let’s hope this movie explains.

Sam Worthington

He’s the new, old Terminator. No, wait…

REVIEWS

FILM

Battle Royal The ﬁnal stand-off in Terminator Salvation takes place at SkyNet.

Q+A Who: Marcus Wright, a Death Row ‘survivor’turned-Terminator who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants.

Sharing towels led to a ‘pinkeye’ outbreak in the Terminator camp

Does your Terminator feel pain? He can soak up an incredible amount. He’s human ﬁrst, robot second, but the difference is that he can’t die because he’s a machine. And that becomes his curse. In a sense, he’s like Frankenstein’s monster. Are you aware that Jim Cameron recommended you for this film? McG wanted to know if I

was a pain in the arse. And Jim said I was but “in a good way”. I then asked for Jim’s blessing. If Jim had said he thought the movie was going to be crap based on his conversation with McG, I would never have agreed to make this. But you must be nervous about pissing over a great franchise… I deﬁnitely don’t want to f##k it up! So I hound McG constantly with questions. Plus you read all these reports saying things like, “Why is there another one when we’ve got The Sarah Connor Chronicles?” So our goal

is to make a popcorn movie that addresses bigger questions about the fate of humanity. Do you accept the movies are full of such gaping plot holes about timetravel that you could drive buses through them? In this movie, we’re at the point where time-travel is on the verge of being invented. But even if I gave you Jim Cameron’s phone number, he wouldn’t be able to explain the linearity of the four ﬁlms. Besides, the future changes whenever you go back in time. That’s

why we say in this instalment, “The future is not set. That still doesn’t cover it… Okay, it’s a bit of an excuse. Actually, I don’t remember much about the original ﬁlms apart from the one with the iquid man. I can’t even remember yesterday, to be honest.

Moon Bloodgood

Eye candy ain’t never been so deadly Who: Blair Williams, hardas-nails female Resistance ﬁghter who falls for Worthington’s half-Terminator. Which is akin to one of us shagging a Transformer toy.

Skin deep The ﬁrst incarnation of Terminators, the T-600s, are 8ft-tall, mini-gun-toting assassins with unconvincing rubbery skin.

Do you get to ﬁre any cool guns? I did. My character has a Desert Eagle, which is a largebore, gas-operated semiautomatic pistol. I also got to shoot everything from a

shotgun to an M16. Am I good with weapons? Every actor thinks they are, but I reckon I look pretty credible in the film. I had extensive training in how to fire them and I worked with a pilot so I looked believable when I fly a light aircraft. But the guns? The guns I loved! Had you seen all three Terminator movies before you signed on? The moment we were hired,

McG sat me down and made me watch them all. But even years ago, I remember seeing Linda Hamilton go from a reluctant innocent in the ﬁrst movie to being a hard-edged bad-ass in the second one. So I did train every day to get toned, but Hamilton and her Sarah Connor character was its own thing. I’m not trying to be Linda Hamilton. With biceps these big, I just didn’t have enough time in the gym! 07/09

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Celluloid cream

The best ﬁlms out in June

“…And then Bale turns into a frog.” “Er, sir, I think that’s Harry Potter”

Te l s t a r

Who? Con O’Neill (genius), Kevin Spacey (militant) What’s it about? Joe Meek , a ’60s record producer who went insane. It starts as a Brit comedy but descends into darker territory. O’Neill is terrifying and pitiful. Movie bore: Ralph Little’s character, Chas Hodges, went on to form Chas & Dave. *****

McG

Q+A

The big man behind Terminator Salvation Who: Director, fast-talker, Christian Bale-appeaser, potential director of Terminator 5 and 6.

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Are you worried about not having Arnie as the main Terminator? Arnold gave me great advice on the way his Terminator T-800 might move compared to earlier or later versions. Because a 2009 Mercedes Benz doesn’t operate like a 1972 Mercedes Benz. It’s similar with Terminators.

Are you worried T4 may stink as bad as T3? I spent a ton of time with Oscarwinner Paul Haggis on the script, our visual effects guy, Charlie Gibson, won two Oscars and worked on the Pirates Of The Caribbean films and we’re influenced by great films like Mad Max and Alien. We also have Bale, the finest actor of his generation. But can it all go wrong? You never know.

detector. I don’t want to be the director who ﬂogged a dead horse.

You don’t sound very confident… You have to remain philosophical, surround yourself with people who have great technical ability and then push them to ensure they deliver. I don’t want to end up with Matrix Revolutions. I’ve speciﬁcally made a movie with twists, as well as being conscious of the audience’s bullshit

But you’ve signed on to make two sequels with Bale so this film can’t be cack, right? Bale’s signed on and so am I. We’ve got the plot for the next two ﬁlms mapped out. My goal is ensuring this is this summer’s most exciting ﬁlm. My brother died recently and I realise it is important to focus on the present.

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Did Jim Cameron offer to help out? He suggested hiring Sam Worthington who was working with him on an upcoming sci-ﬁ ﬁlm called Avatar. I also got an e-mail from Russell Crowe saying the same thing. And they were right. Sam’s a bricklayer from Australia who looks like you could hit him on the head with a shovel and he would shake it off. That’s who should play the Terminator. Too many of today’s young male actors are pussies. Sam however is a fundamentally tough guy.

The Last House On The Left

Who? Garret Dillahunt (baddy), Riki Lindhorne (baddy), Sara Paxton (goody), Tony (baddy?) What’s it about? Criminals kidnap and rape two girls. Leaving them for dead, they invade a couple’s home who happen to be the parents of one of the girls. When mum ﬁnds Mari half dead, they serve the baddies whoop-ass. Movie bore: This is a remake of a 1972 video nasty. *****

The Hangover

Who? Bradley Cooper (brash), Zach Galiﬁanakis (beardy) What’s it about? Todd comes at what appears to be a stag-do-inVegas-goes-tits-up comedy. But some sequences make this a riot. Movie bore: Galiﬁanakis is the star of a series of spoof interviews called Between Two Ferns. *****

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07.09 Icon A5 - The ﬂying car

Hardware T he w orld’s coolest shiny s tu ff

Stooooooppppp!

Wing wizard

Like most speed-record competitors, once it gets going there’s only one way to stop this machine – a parachute, deployed by a button in the cockpit.

The Greenbird stays fast and on terra ﬁrma thanks to a horizontal wing that transfers up to one ton of force into the ground in a manner akin to an F1 car.

RECORD BREAKER

Carbon dater Meet ëGreenbirdí, the 126mph windpowered eco warrior hellbent on making fossil fuels redundant

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The Greenbird ice craft

Long and short of it The land craft’s sail is much thinner than its sister ice craft’s, which gives it a higher top speed but poorer acceleration. The ice craft will attempt the record on a smaller area with less traction, so it has a lower, bigger, fatter sail to increase acceleration.

The Info

Tight squeeze The cockpit’s cramped to say the least. Jenkins has to lie almost horizontally behind the hydraulic steering system. Still, on the plus side, at least it’s safe. “Unlike some of my earlier prototypes,” laughs the loon.

Power Wind Top speed 126mph 0-60mph 30 secs (approx) Weight 500kg (manned) Length 10m Cost £450,000 (approx)

t’s thin, it’s fast, it kicked American ass – Greenbird, Greenbird. With a clocked speed of 126.1mph – smashing the previous US-set record of 116mph – this machine is officially the fastest wind-powered machine ever. And it was built in Britain. All good, but what’s the point and how the hell does it work? The point is fossil fuels are killing the world and are going to run out, so all cars will need to be powered by other means. The carbon composite plane/boat/F1 car works by optimising wind flow – using its vertical sail to force it forward in the same way a plane uses airflow over its wings to push it upwards. And once moving, its stickthin-with-one-arm design maximises lift and minimises drag to propel it at threeto-five times the speed of the actual wind powering it. “I began this project in 1999,” says driver/inventor Richard Jenkins. “And now, after ten years, five prototype vehicles, three continents, hundreds of miles walked [Richard initially tested his designs alone, so if a tyre went flat, or a part broke he had to hike back to base] and thousands of man hours, I’ve done it.” Time for a rest? “No way,” laughs the mechanical engineer whose research has been part-funded by UK-based ‘green’ electricity company Ecotricity. “Now we move on to Greenbird’s brother and try and break the wind-powered ice speed record.” A mark he intends to shatter this winter. greenbird.co.uk 07/09

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Grand rides Presenting the world’s best vintage cars (and one Indian car that almost makes the cut)... WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

1962 Maserati 3500

The Maserati 3500 was its way of capitalising on the Grand Tourismo market. The prototype was introduced in 1957. By 1962, most features that were additional, were incorporated in standard model and the 3500 served as further template for other Maserati products like 3500 Gti, the ﬁrst Italian car with fuel injection.

1967 Ford Mustang

Remember Nicholas Cage’s object of desire in Gone In 60 Seconds? The 1967 Mustang has that effect on most car lovers. The ultimate muscle car, it stands for raw power and unadulterated charisma. Ford gave its Mustang brand bigger dimensions for the big block engine. The result a beauty with a beast’s power. 032

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1927 Ford Model T

Designed as the ﬁrst People’s Car over a century ago, the Ford Model T was aimed at putting every American in the driver’s seat. Almost 82 years later, there is no other vintage car that spells style and legacy the way Model T does. Over the next two decades, Ford upgraded the Model T ﬁnally resulting in the 1927 Ford Model T, one of the most sought after vintage car in the world. Despite it’s two-gears, Model T was voted the Car of the Century way back in 1999 despite competition from such formidable quarters as VW Beetle, the Mini and the Porche 911.

V I N TA G E

1969 Camaro SS

From classic muscle to classic sports, Chevrolet was on a roll in 1969. Giving the Corvette Sting Ray company was the introduction of Camaro. With its sporty yet aggressive looks and a 427 cc engine instead of the usual 400 cc ones, the 1969 Camaro SS emerged as one of the meanest, most powerful machine of the time.

1964 Porsche 911

Porsche 911, the staple of any world’s best classic cars lists, was designed more as a replacement for the smaller Porsche 356. On its introduction in 1964, the 911 featured an air-cooled rear mounted engine and a ﬁve speed manual transmission. While the engine was changed to water-cooled in 1998, connoisseurs still prefer the air-cooled version and classic style of this vintage set of wheels.

1967 Ford GT40

The Ford GT40 was a veritable powerhouse and was designed as a racing car to compete with Ferrari when Ford’s efforts to buy Ferrari were snubbed in 1963. Ford launched various versions of the car with various engine sizes. But since these cars were designed speciﬁcally for Grand Toursimo races, the Ford GT40 is one of the most treasured and sought after car among collectors.

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1969 Corvette Sting Ray

A Corvette from the Chevrolet stable is a must have on any ‘Greatest Vintage Cars’ listing. A deﬁnitive car when it comes to all-American automotive design of the muscular ‘60s, the 1969 Corvette Sting Ray coupe is considered one of the fastest cars ever. In a word, the Corvette Sting Ray deﬁnes the ultimate cool in cars and has been duly honoured with countless Hollywood appearances as the ultimate vehicle of temptation.

1967 Volkswagen Beetle

This is arguably the most loved and most desired car in the world. The car of choice of the Flower Children, VW Beetle was originally named just VW Type 1. It was with 1967 that VW formally accepted the popular nicknames the Beetle and the Bug for their very German sounding Type 1. So, ofﬁcially, the 1967 VW Beetle was the ﬁrst Beetle model.

1948 Tucker

This one is a cherished vintage not only because of its rarity but also because this car was quite ahead of its time. Preston Tucker and Alex Tremulis designed the Tucker as an attempt to break into the automotive industry. However, the 1948 model was the only one to come out of the company’s stables and only a handful of cars were produced.

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V I N TA G E

1953 Aston Martin DB2

The DB2 was originally designed as a coupe but by 1953, Aston Martin introduced a convertible version of this classic car with bigger engine options. In its three years of production, the DB2 made such a mark on the automobile world that it continues to be inspiration for other Aston Martin vehicles both on and off the race track.

Cadillac Roadster

In the days when Roadsters were a rage, Cadillac V-16 was the weapon of choice. Roadsters or spyders (two seat cars, without a roof or windows) were the coolest thing to happen to cars. The era culminated with the Cadillac V-16 and the model is still one of the most sought after vintage cars.

Desi Vintage Hindustan Motors Baby Hindustan Ambassador is probably the only Indian car that qualifies for a vintage tag. Love it or hate it, you just cannot escape the old world charm this elephantine ride exudes. Amby is the true-blue Indian car for reason, season and life. Based on the British Series M

Morris, (with very few changes made) Amby continues to be the legacy of British Raj in India. Loved for its spaciousness and old world charm and ridiculed for its reluctance to modernise, Amby has emerged as a symbol of political royalty and bureaucratic blue-blood.

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ONE GIANT LEAP

The making of the moonwatch

he story of how the OMEGA Speedmaster became the Moonwatch – the only wristwatch approved by NASA for all manned space flights – has been re-told often enough that it is sometimes difficult to determine where the history ends and where the myth begins. The true story, without embellishment, is so remarkable that it’s worth a trip back to the 1960s to re-examine how the Speedmaster came to be considered in the first place, the nature of the strenuous tests to which it and four other chronographs were subjected and finally, how it was chosen over its competitors to accompany every manned space flight since the launch of the Gordon Cooper’s Faith 7 mission as part of the Mercury program on May 15th, 1963.

Chosen to compete It all began in the early 1960s when two NASA officials anonymously visit several Houston jewellery stores, including Corrigan’s, which at the time was the city’s best-known watch and jewellery retailer. The men from NASA bought a series of chronographs of different brands, charged with the task of finding the best watch available for their astronauts to wear in space. The solo-flight Mercury space programme was almost completed (in fact, Wally Schirra had worn his own Speedmaster on his Mercury flight on the 3rd of October, 1962) and NASA was preparing for the Gemini (twoman) and Apollo (three-man) missions. There were plans for the astronauts on these missions to move about in space outside the ship. One of their key pieces of equipment would be a wristwatch which could withstand 036

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the difficult conditions of space. Every time an astronaut suspended in the vacuum of space turned his wrist, the watch would suddenly come out of the shade and be exposed to the unfiltered rays of the sun and temperature increases of more than 100°C. On the moon, President Kennedy’s and NASA’s declared objective, things would be even tougher. Temperatures on the lunar surface fluctuate between -160° and +120°C. A series of strenuous tests was devised to determine which watch was best suited to the extreme challenges of space. NASA ordered two Speedmasters and two each of five other chronographs for “testing and evaluation purposes” on September 29, 1964 at a price of $82.50 each at the exchange rate of the day – they retailed for CHF 415 in Switzerland. NASA stipulated that it required the watches by October 21, 1964.

The qualification test procedures When NASA received the watches, they were subjected to a series of stringent tests and pre-selection processes called the “Qualiﬁcation Test Procedures”. They can be summarized brieﬂy: The watches will be wound immediately prior to each testing phase.

The ﬁrst manned lunar landing on the 20th of July, 1969 was the greatest, most dramatic scientiﬁc achievement in human history. Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon’s surface at 02:56 GMT on the 21st of July. Nineteen minutes later he was joined by Buzz Aldrin, who was wearing his OMEGA Speedmaster and a legend was born. An interesting footnote: the electronic timing system on the Lunar Module was not functioning correctly so Armstrong had left his watch aboard as a reliable backup. Two OMEGA Speedmaster Professional Moonwatch Apollo 11 “40th Anniversary” Limited Edition watches celebrate the adventure: one in stainless steel and sterling silver (7,969 pieces); the other in platinum and 18 Ct yellow gold (69 pieces).

The stopwatch (chronograph) feature should be operated during each test and during periods between tests. The stopwatch operation should be recycled immediately before and after each test and, when delays occur, at two- to six-hour intervals between tests. Time accuracy checks should be made before and after each test, at one-hour intervals during testing (when possible) and at two- to six-hour intervals between tests, if testing delays occur. At the start of each time-check period the chronograph should be started and the following data recorded for the start time: Watch

identiﬁcation; Master time (hours, minutes, seconds); Test watch time (hours, minutes, seconds) When accuracy checks are made during a testing period, the chronograph time measurement should not be stopped, but the following should be recorded: Watch identiﬁcation; Master time (hours, minutes, seconds); Test watch time (hours, minutes, seconds); Elapsed stop-watch time (hours, minutes, seconds) In conjunction with each time check, the watches should be inspected for damage to the case, crystal, dial, strap and buttons, and for the presence of moisture underneath the crystal. Any irregularities in the watch’s condition should be noted. A watch should be withdrawn from further testing if the following failures occur: Complete watch operation failure with no restart capability Complete stopwatch operation failure with no re-start capability Two watch operation failures of any type even though re-start capability exists Cracked or broken crystal Broken winding stem or stopwatch controls.

And then there were three Only three watches out of six chronographs successfully survived this arduous preselection phase. The ﬁnalists were then subjected to 11 different tests – the most rigorous trials endured in the history of horology.

The results On March 1, 1965, the test results were complete. Three brands’ chronographs had still been in the running. Of those, one brand’s entry had stumbled on two separate occasions in the relative humidity test. In the course of the heat-resistance test it ﬁnally came to rest for good. The large seconds hand warped and was binding against the other hands. The crystal of the second brand’s chronograph had warped and come away

from the case during the heat test. The same unfortunate occurrence took place with a second model of the same make during the decompression test. Only the OMEGA Speedmaster passed. At the time, NASA’s testers wrote, “Operational and environmental tests of the three selected chronographs have been completed; and, as a result of the test, OMEGA chronographs have been calibrated and issued to three members of the GT-3 (Gemini Titan III) crews.” What sounds like a reserved, sober announcement was, in fact, the ofﬁcial decree that from that time forward, the OMEGA Speedmaster would be the only watch approved for all manned space ﬂights and

would be become an inextricable part of the OMEGA legacy. As signiﬁcant was a NASA communiqué dated March 1st, 1965 which said, “. . . the astronauts show a unanimous preference for the Omega chronograph over the other two brands because of better accuracy, reliability, readability and ease of operation.” An ironic postscript: OMEGA only learned about the Speedmaster’s journey into space after seeing a photograph of Ed White taken during America’s ﬁrst spacewalk as part of the Gemini 4 mission in June of 1965. (Source: NASA documentation and correspondence, 1961-65; Courtesy: Omega)

THE MOST RIGOROUS TRIALS 1. HIGH TEMPERATURE 48 hours at a temperature of 160°F (71°C) followed by 30 minutes at 200°F (93°C). This under a pressure of 5.5 psia (0.35 atm) and relative humidity not exceeding 15%.

shall constitute failure to pass this test. The ambient temperature shall be maintained at 160°F (71°C).

6. SHOCK

2. LOW TEMPERATURE

Six shocks of 40 Gs, each 11 milliseconds in duration, in six different directions.

Four hours at a temperature of 0°F (-18°C).

7. ACCELERATION

3. TEMPERATURE-PRESSURE

The equipment shall be accelerated linearly from 1 G to 7.25 Gs within 333 seconds, along an axis parallel to the longitudinal spacecraft axis.

Chamber pressure maximum of 1.47 x 10-5 psia (10-6 atm) with temperature raised to 160°F (71°C). The temperature shall then be lowered to 0°F (-18°C) in 45 minutes and raised again to 160°F in 45 minutes. Fifteen more such cycles shall be completed.

8. DECOMPRESSION Ninety minutes in a vacuum of 1.47 x 10-5 (10-6 atm) at a temperature of 160°F (71°C) and 30 minutes at 200°F (93°C).

4. RELATIVE HUMIDITY

9. HIGH PRESSURE

A total time of 240 hours at temperatures varying between 68°F and 160°F (20°C and 71°C) in a relative humidity of at least 95%. The steam used must have a pH value between 6.5 and 7.5.

The equipment to be subjected to a pressure of 23.5 psia (1.6 atm) for a minimum period of one hour.

5. OXYGEN ATMOSPHERE The test item shall be placed in an atmosphere of 100% oxygen at a pressure of 5.5 psia (0.35 atm) for 48 hours. Performance outside of speciﬁcation, tolerance, visible burning, creation of toxic gases, obnoxious odours, or deterioration of seals or lubricants

10. VIBRATION Three cycles of 30 minutes (lateral, horizontal, vertical), the frequency of varying from 5 to 2,000 cps and back to 5 cps in 15 minutes. Average acceleration per impulse must be at least 8.8 Gs.

11. ACOUSTIC NOISE 130 db over a frequency range of 40 to 10,000 Hz, duration 30 minutes. 07/09

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The ultimate ‘chilled-out chick’ Neha Dhupia trashes engagement rumors and tells it like it is. Read on as she weaves a bohemian rhapsody, tickles our fancy and makes us fall head over heel for her...

here is something about Neha. Her ‘sexy’ness is not just for the camera. Some Bollywood actresses have this amazing ability to max the oomph factor as soon as the lights are flicked on. Some try hard to get there and fail. With Neha, ‘sexy’ness is a fact. She is sexy. Period. On camera, off camera, does not make a difference. It’s difficult to attribute her beauty and allure to any one aspect of her physicality... She has gorgeous hair, sure. One of the prettiest faces in the country, check. A body to die for, dead right! A dazzling smile, bewitching eyes... all check. But it is something beyond all this that makes her sexy. It is an attitude of being what she is... no pretense, no fakeness, no putons... As she herself puts it, she is a “chilled-out chick”. Just the kind of girl we love and respect... Here we try to unravel the enigma surrounding this dazzling girl who has taken the highs with the lows but has the courage to move on and set things right...

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CORSETTE: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY

C O V E R S T O RY

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN PHOTOGRAPHS: VIKRAM BAWA STYLIST: SOHAYA MISRA (CHOLA) MAKE-UP: OJAS RAJANI HAIR: KAUSHALYA D’SOUZA

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First off, what’s all this talk of engagement and stuff? You seriously breaking our hearts! What rubbish! It’s all hogwash! I have not announced any engagement or any such stuff... At this point, I am not even sure if I believe in the institution of marriage... And come on, I won’t play hearts... Phew! But honestly Neha, how did a non-filmy girl land up in Bollywood? To be very honest, my dream or ambition of being in films is a complete wipe-out. I don’t remember that at any point in my growingup years, I wanted to be a part of Indian cinema or stuff like that. But, it was exciting as one thing led to another and it just happened. I was modelling when the forms for Miss India came out and I said, what the heck, let me fill it up... So, was modelling always on the agenda? No, I was doing theater in Delhi. I was playing the lead role in this play called Graffiti that was directed by Roshan Abbas and choreographed by Shiamak Davar. Somebody saw me on stage and said, let me take a photograph of you. He thought I would do well as a model. I was like, I am not really sure. But he pursued me to do it. This gentleman also ran a modelling agency and I got my first job. It was a music video directed by Pradip Sircar for Indi-rock band Euphoria. I was 15-16 at the time and they were like, we are going to shoot in Mauritius. So, it was my first foreign trip alone. I was like, yeah! I was going to Mauritius and I was with this rock band. I was very young and and I used to listen to music and party all night. So, I thought, wow, I get to spend so many days with a rock band, spend some time with these cool guys and I get to be on TV. I thought it would be so cool. My friends would see me and they would be so proud of me. More than anything else, they were paying me and I was like, why are they paying me! Because, at 15-16, this is all a youngster wants. I was like this is all so cool. By the end of the video shoot, I was bitten by the film bug. So, then I did my Miss India. But even after Miss India, there was no sort of real ambition to do act. But then I got a few offers and out of them, Qayamat, I thought, was the one I should pick up. I am still proud that I chose to debut with Qayamat and from then on I’ve been doing movies... some good, some bad, some great, some shit... but everything’s been part of the 040

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CORSETTE: BODY BASICS BOMBAY, TROUSERS: NEHA’S OWN

C O V E R S T O RY

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BLACK FLORAL TOP AND BLACK TOP: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY; BLACK SKIRT AND BLACK TROUSERS: LOVE JEANS; WATCHES: TAG HEUER MONACO DIAMONDS (BLACK SQUARE DIAL) AND TAG HEUER LADY LINK CHRONOGRAPH DIAMONDS (WHITE MOP DIAL WITH STEEL STRAP)

What engagement?! At this point in life, I am not even sure if I believe in the institution called marriage.

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CO TO C OVVEERRS S T ROYR Y

journey that has brought me here today. There are no regrets, but ya, lots of wrong decisions and some great decisions... So there was no childhood dream or stuff... How were you as a kid? I was a complete brat. Honestly, being the youngest in the family, you don’t have any choice. You are just overwhelmed by the amount of affection being showered on you. I have an elder brother. He is just ten months elder to me, so we are almost like twins. He is in Dubai but we are really close. He is a little quieter than me, so I was the one who’s been fussy and a little brash. When it came to studies, I was the one to study at the eleventh-hour types... I just used to listen to what the teachers said in the class and never went home and did the homework... Were you one of those irritating kids who don’t study and yet get good grades? Ya, I am one of those strange ones. I cannot shy away from that. But I was very sporty, very very athletic, I used to play all sports but never at a professional level. That’s my biggest regret. If I ever sat and thought, what I would like to be if not an actor, it would have to be an athlete. I would love to represent the country, play tennis or swim. Being from a defence background, there must have been a lot of moving around? My dad was in the Navy. I was born and raised in Kerala. From there we moved to Vishakapattanam and then to Delhi. From Delhi I moved to Mumbai. That was the ﬁrst time I lived on my own. Your folks were cool with that? Absolutely. My parents have never been overbearing. Even when I joined ﬁlms, my mother would never land on the sets with me... My dad always had faith in me that I had my head screwed tightly on my shoulders and whatever decisions I took, it would be the best for me given the time and the circumstances that I am in. He had immense faith in what I did. But the best part is that they let me go... My parents realised that after a point I needed my independence. They let me go. The fact is that the faith they put in me makes me want to go back to them even more. It’s just amazing how close the four of us are... knock on wood. The person that I am today is because of my 07/09

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family and the values it instilled in me. Sometimes, I see myself as a a sort of a little bit of misﬁt in the fraternity. I have immense respect for people. That comes from being from a fauji background. A lot of times, I get too concerned about people. Other people’s problem become my problem and that is something that worries me. Because I take too much stress on my self and I am not happy with that... What’s with girls from defense background and films... We have Aishwarya Rai, Sushmita Sen, Lara Dutta, Gul Panag, Minissha Lamba... I guess, it’s a certain amount of discipline and certain amount of drive that we all have. A lot of exposure makes us very conﬁdent and we study in really smart schools. We go through the grind and that makes us good...

Hey, didn’t they do a behind-thescenes sorta reality show the year you won? They called it Beauty Queens and Bitches and I had no idea they were shooting it. I don’t want to be sitting there in ten or ﬁfteen years from now when people don’t want to listen to me and look back and tell myself, when I had a voice, why I wasn’t saying what I wanted to say. I am brutally honest about the way I feel. It’s not that I have angst about everything I say and do. There are things that give me pleasure and things that give me displeasure. If I am not happy with something, I will say it. And why not?! It’s like, now when I look back at my school days and look at how stressed out I used to be about exams. I can’t turn around time now. The past is hardly a problem, the 044

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WHITE GANJI: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY, BLACK TROUSERS: LOVE JEANS WATCH: TAG HEUER AQUARACER CHRONOGRAPH GRAND DATE

Also, May Queen Balls and all the cantonment lifestyle must be helping... I never did any of that. You know why? Because my dad was a very good emcee and he would be hosting that. So, I was like, dad, suppose we are doing this and if I come on stage and I see you, I will start laughing! So, I never participated in May Queen balls and all. Miss India was the first pageant I participated in and fortunately I won. Ya, I am quite a fighter and I am sour loser. When I don’t get what I want, and I know that I can get it but didn’t get it... I try the second time, the third time... I am so glad that as far as that competition is concerned I won it the first time itself...

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WHITE GANJI: BODY BASICS, BOMBAY, BLACK TROUSERS: LOVE JEANS WATCH: TAG HEUER AQUARACER CHRONOGRAPH GRAND DATE

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real problem is now when you go out there. And then there will be more problems ahead... I don’t like getting stressed out. But I am also aware that I cannot turn back time, so I have to make most of what I have right now. I have a voice so I will speak out... That must have been difficult once you entered films? What are the lessons you’ve learnt over time? On the contrary. The most important thing I have learnt is to be myself. As far as the industry is concerned, it is very simple... you just have to really, really, really have to be yourself. Earlier, I used to dress like other actresses, behave like other actresses, thinking that this is the way that one needs to be. But no. Just be yourself. Either they will like you or they won’t like you. If they like you, great. If they don’t like you, maybe they will like your work and then what really matters is how you are on screen, no matter how you are or what you look like when you are sitting at home. What you are looking like when you are sitting between 15 people does not matter. And at the same time, you are being judged constantly. So, I don’t really get affected any more. My mother always told me, today’s news is tomorrow’s trash. But, ya, I read the papers. Not that it worries me... sometimes I just laugh and sometimes I am like why have they written something like this. But it’s okay, it’s all a part of it. Another important lesson that I’ve learnt is to respect people. Whoever you are talking to, be it a spotboy or a co-star, respect is most important. I believe in treating people the way I would like people to treat me. So, if I crack a joke at someone, I have to be ﬁne with someone taking a dig at me. And I am a kind of person who does that and I know I am appreciated for my wicked sense of humour. There is a lot I don’t know. I am not shy of admitting that and I don’t pretend that I know things I don’t. I am prepared to learn. I am not worldly wise but I am wise enough to tell people that I am not. So, how does Neha see herself? Honestly I am just a chilled out chick. I can hang out with anyone at any time. But if you try and be someone else, if you are going to be arsy with me and have an opinion about everything, then I don’t have too much respect for you. 07/09

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But is the respect reciprocal... As in, has anyone ever tried to cross the line with you? Never ever. If you get to know me, you will see that there is this huge invisible wall around me. And I think that men can see that wall more than women can. And no one in this industry, has ever, I swear to you, no matter what people say about the industry about the casting couch and that we are easy people, and maybe it’s just the people I’ve worked with, but no one has ever made pass at me or anything... Or maybe I just can’t sense it. Maybe, my lech-radar is very very low because I can’t make out... And I don’t even care. As far as people are concerned, if they want to look and they want to stare, I am happy for them. It’s fine. If I see someone who is gorgeous or good looking, I’d look and I’d stare, what the heck. It doesn’t affect me. Love that attitude, girl! Also love the fact that you are sparkling in big roles in small films like Mithya and small roles in big films like Singh Is King... What exactly have your film influences been like? Honestly Tushar, when people sit around and talk about earlier phase of cinema and all, I am totally lost. I am a girl who’s grown up on Chitrahaar – it used to come every Wednesday with a repeat on Sunday afternoon – and Malgudi Days. I am really clueless when it comes to cinema and all... In those days, we weren’t allowed to watch movies and I come from a background where movies were not given that much importance. My memories of movies is sitting at home and watching Mr. India and Sound of Music and Mary Poppins. The first movie that I ever saw in theaters was True Lies and there too, my dad dropped me outside the theater and was waiting outside till the movie got over to pick me up. When you live with your dad and a brother, the kind of upbringing you have is little conservative but at the same time you are a complete brat. I am happy that I had that kind of upbringing. My final three years of education were at a convent that I chose... I was not brought up on cinema so I cannot have discussions about old songs and old movies. So, do Rajat and Saurabh hand you a list of movies to watch...? I tell you, I am so blessed to have Rajat (Kapoor), Saurabh (Shukla), Vinay (Phatak) and Ranvir (Shorey) as friends of mine. They 048

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give me a lot of information. Even Resool (Pookutty) is a dear friend now and I was so happy when he won the Oscar. I am just so happy for everyone. It is like our little clique that we are always having fun together. I learn so much from them. There was a phase in my career when I was on the borderline of becoming a complete brat and getting spoilt and highly commercialised as far as choices were concerned, Rajat just came and saved the day. He changed me and brought me back to being the person I am. He was the one who told me, “Neha, don’t do work for the heck of it. Because you will go, but your work won’t. Your work is immortal. It’s gonna be watched by generations to come.” So, now when I have to choose films I do, I think whether I would be okay with the next generation and the generation after that watching this. And it’s like, immediately, it’s either a yes or a no. And I say yes or no to the project. I am so happy that I have got these great guys in my life. What are you passionate about beyond films? I love travelling a lot. I just came back from a nice small vacation in Vietnam. Initially, I’d thought I’d backpack but then the divaness came out and I ended up staying in this beautiful French resort. It was like 110 years-old, very vintage... Travelling is like a passion for me. And of course, fitness... I have been observing the obsession with gym, the fear of the trainer and the passion for doodhi... Do you really enjoy working out or do you have to do it because of work? Well, I don’t know if it is because I am in the industry... but now, if I don’t work out, I feel like something is missing from my life. Now, I am completely hooked to it. And it is something I learnt from Akshay Kumar and this is something I have to mention. He told me, we spend three hours a day eating, eight hours a day sleeping and ten hours a day working... you cannot spend one hour a day on your body that goes through so much. You obviously don’t love yourself! That made a big difference in my attitude towards fitness. And what do you look for in a guy? He has to be real, honest and funny. Funny is very important to me... and yes, he has to be a foodie because I am a foodie and yes, into fitness. I don’t like flab... And basically,

chilled out. I am a chilled out chick so I need someone chilled out. Not high maintenance... being high maintenance is my job... Is money not one of the deciding factors? No. We just need to have enough money to travel. Enough to live a good life. I don’t need to buy a car that is bigger than Bandra or so much gold and so many diamonds that I don’t know where to store them. I am probably the only woman who doesn’t like jewellery. I like a nice house. I like to travel... And buying shoes... ? Ya. So, how many pairs do you have...? Can’t say... (laughs) can’t say... I just have the most wonderful collection of shoes. They are so nice, I cannot wear them. They will get spoilt! I can’t wear them. I am a hoarder... I get shoes from where ever I go... What have you learnt from your past relationships? You have to be completely honest, whether you are in it or not in it. You have to be honest and let the other person know. There has to be respect. Everyone has their own set of insecurities but it is important to try and get over them on your own... With every relationship you get to learn a lot and I am glad for the one I was in. They taught me a lot. Some have been good, some have been not very good. But the place I am right now, I feel secure, happy... I don’t want to use very big words because that’s when trouble begins. You have come a long way... Quo Vadis? Where to now... Ya, when I was going through the lowest phase, there was a point when I thought I had hit rock bottom... I was like, “Damn, it’s over even before it started!” I am proud of the fact that I did Julie. It was narrated to me in a certain way. I made a choice and I will stick to it. I had no control over the way the producer chooses to market it. But then I went ahead and was fortunate enough to get a film with Priyadarshan called Chup Chupke. Garam Masala and Mithya and Ek Chalis Ki Last Local... followed. I am very proud of the work I have done. I have five films releasing this year and one of them is an international film. I wake up every morning thinking that I am in a great place... No regrets. No regrets at all...

C O V E R S T O RY

DRESS: RAJESH PRATAP SINGH

I wake up every morning thinking I am at a great place in life. I have no regrets at all...

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Bring on the WORDS: NISHA SAMSON

30’s Slam DUNK those 20’s guys, life begins at 30.

en’s age these days boils down to the women. Women in their 20’s ﬁnd men in the 30’s more attractive because the damn 20 somethings behave like 15year old’s. The 20 year old’s are just overgrown children. No one really wants to marry the buggers. A lot of 30 somethings are single, ﬁnancially secure and that appeals to women. Besides the single 30 somethings are discovering that the world is their oyster. They’ve got the money, there are places they can go, women they continue meeting and hey life is looking good,” says Prahlad Kakkar, ad guru. FHM has to agree with Prahlad...just to an extent though. The 30’s are indeed the new 20’s sure, but the women are just a part of the reason. You hotties are ones who personify why the 30’s are super-hot. Fitness, health and vanity now take top priority. And why the hell not. No one’s bothered about a falling sperm count. Mickael Casol, 30, billionaire art dealer and designer (just turned 30) says, “We think we’re king of the world in our 20’s. Nothing is further from the truth than that.” While we’re admitting the shortcomings of the 20’s, are the 30’s really that hunkydory? Responsibilities only increase and that is not always fun. Let’s take a looksie at some of the roadblocks this decade offers you and how you can successfully overcome them. Hey this is the 30’s guys, you can go to the moon and beyond!

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Fit as a fiddle Okay so you cannot gorge on all the junk you used to, but that is a good thing. At least now you will be able to give your body some good wholesome food. You will look younger and tastier too. YUMMY. “The 20’s were about excesses in food, drink and partying. Even though I was a sportsman, I let myself go. The 30’s

however is all about listening to my body, respecting my body and doing just what he says. I am in tune with the inner voice regarding my fitness and health and I am enjoying every bit of it. In fact I am a fitter now as compared to my 20’s” says Mickael. So guys you probably have put your body through the rigours of junk food and alcohol, but hey staying healthy is as simple as staying in tune with your body. Listen to your body and health and fitness will be an absolute breeze.

“I do”

“The greatest satisfaction lies in doing terrific business and giving back to the world too.”

If you’re 30 and single you will be familiar with well-wishers (nosey aunties) bringing your “perfect” girls to settle down with. Wake-up guys, there aren’t any perfect women out there. Mickael Casol says, “Marriage is as simple as being ready and as complex as not being ready. I’ve noticed how wellwishing aunts get a lot of “perfect girls” if one is successful. I just have one answer: You must marry only when you are emotionally ready and mature to get hitched. Just give the well-wishing aunty a random list of names to ﬁnd matches for, that should keep them busy.” Not a bad idea guys, work on that list.

Business smart The 20’s businessman is usually on a wild horse, the 30’s businessman tries to tame that horse just a little. Suddenly there is only

a certain amount of mistakes that you allow yourself and why not. “Okay, so I am all for the young businessman, but there really is only so much anyone in their 20’s knows. I know, because I started my company when I was 25, and plunged head on. The 20’s are about the aggressive businessman, the 30’s are about being a less aggressive one. My mentors voice rings through louder and clearer now,” says Mickael. So how does Mickael plan his transformation? “Simple, I am learning to actually listen now. (Laughs) As a businessman I have to be aggressive, yes but I also need a lot of sense in that aggression. I am taking the aggression from my 20’s and I am combining that with the experience of my mentors who are in their 50’s. That should make me a perfectly balanced businessman...I hope (laughs).”

Changing tracks

20 things you should not even think of doing when you turn 30

Wear torn jeans: Hideous torn clothes are limited to rockers on stage. So unless you’re in a band, dump the torns.

Stuff your gut with junk food: Limit that Big Mac for the weekend only, fat derriers are never in. Buy a flashy, flashy car: Flashy is a plain NO, NO. You’re 30 not dying; quit blinding everyone on the road. Streak your hair a funky pink: Pink is in sure...pink lingerie for your partner, pink clothes (only if you can pull it off). Leave the hideous pink streaks to PINK. Postpone exercise: A paunch is easy to acquire guys. Exercise NOW. Wear tiny speedos: Squishy-squashy spillers are best allowed to breathe. Believe that taking advantage of the drunk chicks is the best way to score: Leave them with a strong coffee, easy game is never fun. Accessorise like Mr T: Heavy, falshy accessories are best left to that giant freak.

The 30’s are a time when a few of you may want to add to your career proﬁle or even change tracks completely. You will have a few ‘play-it-safe’ kinds who tell you that this is just a 30’s crisis. However the 30’s are as good a time as any to buffer and/or change. “I changed from being a pro-athelete and a model to art dealer and businessman. I knew I wanted to do something different, so I changed tracks. Tip: If something within you urges you to switch, then just switch. This decade is the best. It is not too late plus you have the experience (good and bad) from your 20’s,” says Mickael.

Balancing life and work The 30’s are about changes and getting bigger and better. Time is precious and balancing family life and work is quite the challenge. “The 20’s were about lots of experimenting. I went overboard with sports

Use a crappy pick up line: You don’t want her saying “yeah right weirdo!” Drink like a fish and behave like an obnoxious lout: Loud behaviour is best left in the last decade. It’s totally putting off. Watch only ‘intelligent’ stuff on the tele: Okay so you’re 30, but it’s ﬁne if you give into a F.R.I.E.N.D.S re-run. In fact, it is essential that you do. Want to be seen because you believe that is your ticket to stardom: If you’re somebody, you’re somebody, being a social butterﬂy is so passe.

and partied till dawn. The 30’s bring with it maturity. And while I still party, I regulate the number of times I party and watch my alcohol intake. In fact at the risk of sounding domesticated, I like hanging out with a few close friends after work. Now business, family and close friends take top priority.” So how does one do everything? Just take care of your health and put less stress on your body. “The idea is doing everything to the absolute fullest and the absolute best,” ends Mickael. Now that you’ve tackled you obtacles, let’s take a peek at the fun part. Being in the 3-0’s does give you a feeling of invincibility but you do know there are certain things you just CANNOT do in the 30’s right. Okay so you are king-of-theworld and all, but there are some attitude boo-boo’s that can make you look like a boo-boo. Take a long hard look at the 20 things you should NEVER do in your 30’s:

Use words like f*** and da during normal course of conversation: No one really likes anyone f****** anything and everything. DA Throw your business cards in everybody’s face...just to show them you’ve arrived: Time to get out of ‘wannabe’ stage. Start looking for that grey streak or fine line: You’re 30 not 100, get over it. Think that 30 is the end of your life: Life is only just beginning darling. Date the bimbette: So the dumbo makes you feel intelligent, but for how long can you survive a conversation that ends in DUH!!!!

Cyber-stalking that hot babe: What are you in school? Race your car just because you did it at 18: Revving up that Merc is best left for empty roads.

Wish you were still in your 20’s: In Mickael’s words, “The 20’s are absolutely crazy. Enjoy every bit of it. Life though begins at 30.” 07/09

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30 things you can never think of when you are 20 Discover that condoms and performance are not interconnected: Yeah, yeah they are really not, so practice safe sex...but wait you already know that you genuis. Pack your bags and go travelling anywhere: Financial freedom is GOD AWESOME. There is more to life than just hookups: Of course, there is. Exit the bimbos, enter the babes. Be intelligent and actually BE intelligent: CNN and BBC are more than just abbreviations. Experiment with your career: Want to take a break, switch paths or even turn entrepreneur...go ahead already. Give good advice: At 30 you can actually make a s***load of sense! Treat mum and dad to their dream holiday: This is the absolute best, isn’t it? Actually know that ‘legs’ does not always mean a woman: Yes there are several meanings. Know that books are not just limited to Playboy and Penthouse: FHM gives you your dose of features and fun. You really cannot ask for any better.

discover and worry about mum, dad and your partner beside you and your friends. Discover that lingerie shopping with your better half will not ALWAYS end with nookie in the trial room: While nookie is always good, steamy action at home too is YUMMY. Realise that exposing more than half of your chest is not always sexy: It’s best left to Cristiano Ronaldo. Shop for women and actually do a darn good job of it: You ﬁnally know lingerie and understand that diamonds are INDEED a woman’s best friend. You can flick your partners bra off with the flick of your finger!: Doesn’t it turn you on. Hold doors for women with no ulterior motives (it’s not just to check out her a***): You charming gentleman you. Know that there is more than one meaning to the word ‘joystick’: Yeah baby, there so is. Discover that there is more to the internet than porn and chats: Isn’t cyber world limitless! Realise that being your own boss is overrated but so totally worth it: So your work that sexy derriere off, but the fruits taste like no other.

Believe that being a metrosexual male is not womanly or even remotely gay: Getting a facial and pedicure keeps you looking good you stud.

High-five and butt slap: Unless you’re a sportsman there’s no reason to act “cool”.

Get involved in other’s lives (besides your own): It’s nice to ﬁnally

Think beyond your trousers: Yes sex is great, but so is everything else in life.

Foreplay is as important as the act itself: There really is no play like foreplay. Realise that when your pop talked of figures, he referred to the prices of his stocks and bonds: And boy do those bonds look good. Understand that the flavour of your condom depends on your partner’s preference: And you know what an absolute pleasure it is when she is happy. Wink, wink. Learn the inportance of photoshopping your own pictures: Screw adding horns on your pals, it’s time to smoothen your looks you Greek God. Partying does not always have to end with you being pissed drunk: You don’t want ot throw up on that gorgeous date of yours. Googling your exes – they are exes for a reason guys: Leave them in the past, like you did your 20’s. Realise that facial hair is limited to just your face (it does not include your ears): Yeah, ear fuzz is gross and very Planet of the Apes kind. Think that a woman’s face starts and ends at her breasts: Yes, yes, the earlier invisible face is above her neck and you can ﬁnally appreciate her beauty. Know that you are looking at the beginning of the rest of your life and take it on with KILLER attitude Go on darlings, the 30’s are about enjoying horizons in a way you’ve never imagined. Paint that canvas the way you want.

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Now On Stands

QUOTE UNQUOTE

The Apache pilot Ed Macy won the Military Cross for his exploits in Afghanistan

You were in the Paras before retraining as a copter pilot. Which training was tougher? The Paras selection in mid-80’s was brutal. I got beaten up all through training – they’d just run down the corridor and kick you in the nuts to see if you could take it. It isn’t like that now. I had to leave after getting knocked off my bike by a car and being left for dead. But my goal was to get back to the front line, so a friend suggested the Army Air Corps. The helicopter training was tough mentally. The Apache is so advanced that even people with a lot of ﬂying hours can’t take it all in. It took two years to learn. Then we practised for a year before Afghanistan. What’s the trickiest feature to master? Flying at night. The Apache pilot’s helmet has a monocle mounted an inch in front of your right eye. It has sensors built in so, wherever your head moves, the aircraft knows where you’re looking. If I move my head so the crosshairs on my monocle are over a vehicle and I pull the trigger, the rounds will land on that target. At night, an outside thermal picture and lots of other info is beamed, and

indestructible aircraft ever built – bullets either bounce off or pass through. It also automatically deploys flares to attract away surface-to-air missiles. And they’ve got double hydraulics, double engines, two weapons processors… Your closest shave under fire? Being shot at by a trained anti-aircraft gunner in Afghanistan. He was firing at me and my mate in the front was going: “We’re gonna die!” The first burst was really close, so I flipped the aircraft on its back to go slower but the rounds cut right across the nose of the aircraft. Then, to get speed on, I turned the aircraft on its side, which made it drop upside down towards the ground. By this time, I knew where he was and blew the building to smithereens. The chopper has two crew: do you prefer being flier or gunner? It’s sexy to fly, but when you’re at war you want to be in that front seat gunning. Your favourite weapon? I love them all. We fire cannons in bursts of 20 rounds. Each round is like a grenade that penetrates armour, fragments and bursts into flame. If the enemy is in the trees, we fire Flechette rockets: you get 80 5in tungsten darts coming out of each one. They strip a place completely. It only needs to pass your arm and it will suck the muscles off. If we don’t want anyone to know, we sit 8km back and fire a Hellfire missile. You can also use them up close. What was your best shot? When I flew straight toward the earth, put a Hellfire missile vertically down a tunnel and blew up the Taliban who had just run down it. You won a medal for your rescue at Jugroom Fort, 2007. What happened? I was to escort a Chinook to Jugroom Fort, a Taliban position, to pick up casualties. The mission changed to rescuing a Marine missing in action, Mathew Ford. We thought we’d land our two aircraft with four Marines strapped on the side, grab Mathew and get back in two-and-a-half minutes. But the dust from landing was bad, like a foot of talcum powder, and the second aircraft had to land in the next field. When the dust settled, I saw two Marines stuck in a ditch with Mathew. I

Do you ever get to see the whites of your enemies eyes? Yes. Our cameras are 127x zoom, you can even read the book they’re reading the trick is being able to ﬂy with just what you can see on that one eye. There is a slight time delay, so you can get a bit nauseous. Any other top gizmos on board? The Fire Control Radar; looks like a big Swiss cheese on the top. The patrol leader just needs to pop it a few feet above the horizon, do a three-second sweep and it picks up 1,024 targets, prioritises the top 256 and displays the top 16 in your aircraft. You can send the data to everybody else. An Apache has its own targets and they can each ﬁre 16 missiles without showing themselves. What would it take to shoot down an Apache? There is always the golden bullet that could hit a critical component, but it is the most 054

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jumped out and we heaved him up, but our feet just sank in the field. I was pinned down and could see muzzle flashes. The other pilot and his Marines ran to help and the ground in front of them was erupting. I have no fear of dying, but I didn’t want to die there. With another 5m to go, Carl, my pilot, powered up the aircraft and the dust provided cover, so we clipped Mathew on the footstep and got out. We found out at Camp Bastion that he was dead, which was devastating. Have you ever flown a mission you didn’t believe in? In hindsight, a bit. When we hit a Taliban command post at Koshtay, we didn’t know before we went in that there was a prison there. I’m not bloodthirsty. I don’t want to kill innocent people. The tactical decision was right, but I wish I’d not been there cause I don’t think anyone got out alive. How much would it cost us to own a sleek Apache? £42 million if you wanted all the weapons. Add £6 million for the two pilots. What was your longest spell in the cockpit? Twelve hours. Although once I came back from a mission and had to go straight back out four times in a row. How do you manage, toiletwise? There are bags. But you’ve got to loosen your harness, pull your jacket strap out, undo your zip, pull your fireproofs aside… By the time one guy had done that, he’d started to wee and, at pressure, had a blowback, covering himself and the cockpit in urine. No one used it after that. You just pee yourself. Ed Macy is a pseudonym. Why don’t you reveal your true identity? All Apache pilots are wanted by al-Qaeda and, by writing a book, they now know who killed certain people in certain places. I’m not married, I don’t vote and I don’t own my own home to avoid being traced. Finally, what was your best moment as an Apache pilot? When FHM said flying the Apache was the top job – above F1 racing driver. We were hopping around, celebrating, going: “How cool is that! Lewis Hamilton, eat your heart out!” Apache by Ed Macy is out now in paperback, published by Harper Perennial (£7.99)

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Ashvin Kumar

The Oscar nominated independent short filmmaker on his commercial feature debut.

very few people get to watch. My idea was to show the catastrophic consequences of violating nature. So, I was looking around for stories where nature actually has struck back - like typhoons, hurricanes, etc. And one of the things that is affecting India is the declining tiger and leopard population. These animals are not man-eaters by nature but they become man-eaters when they are crippled or their habitat is encroached upon. So, I thought that would be a perfect metaphor for all the I wanted to say. Firstly, it could be woven into an engaging story and secondly, I will be able to send a message. That’s where the inspiration came from. As I researched more and more into the subject, I got to read stories of Jim Corbett and I have been going to jungles since childhood myself, so it seemed to be the right idea. What was the reason behind taking the film to Cannes? We are in a very privileged position. In fact, we are the only feature film from India to be represented by Non Stop Sales, a Swedish international sales company at the film market. They showed the film to distributors 056

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from different parts of the world. The aim was to give the ﬁlm a global stage so that it can reach all possible audiences. Has the recent producer - multiplex tussle over profit sharing affected your film’s release? The Forest was supposed to release in India in July but given the recent tiff, all schedules have gone haywire. And what is your take on the multiplex - producer bickering as an independent filmmaker?

It’s a valid point on which the two sides are debating. If the producers succeed in getting their way, certainly the smaller independent films would benefit. But, to be honest, we independent filmmakers don’t really have a voice in the industry and our films are the first to be thrown out of a theater, even if they are doing well, if there is a big star’s film or a big producer’s film releasing. As independent filmmakers, we do not support that kind of protectivism or coteriesm. We also feel that if there is a battle to be fought, that should be fought against the Entertainment Tax levied by the state, which is a bigger issue. We have a bizzarre situation in this country where whether the filmmaker makes money or not, the distributor makes money or not or the exhibitor makes money or not, the government always makes money on every film. That is in addition to the fact that we pay Income Tax, Sales Tax, V.A.T, Service Tax and don’t ask me what else. It makes no sense. So, if any lobbying has to be done, it should be done against the government and not against each another.

And as an independent filmmaker, do you expect the government to support you like they do in certain other countries? We independent filmmakers have no support whatsoever in this country. And the bigger question is, where does all the tax go? It definitely does not get invested back into the industry. It would be fine if all this entertainment tax went to a central fund that’s used to encourage new filmmakers or independent filmmakers. I wouldn’t mind Entertainment Tax if there were some grants instituted or subsidies extended to independent or first time filmmakers to help them find their footing. So, is there any organisation that is pushing for these measures to be taken? I am the member of the executive committee of IIFWA and we are certainly looking at these developments and our legal department is formulating a response to this situation. Right now it is too early for us to make any formal declaration, but you will soon see some development on that front in the coming year. Given all these difficulties, right from getting a film conceptualised to getting the money, to making sure it gets a decent release, filmmaking is a demanding ask. And you come from a fairly well to do background with your mother (designer Ritu Kumar) being a legendary figure in the fashion industry. What made you choose such a difficult profession?

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

What prompted a departure from the documentary or short film format that you have usually pursued? Basically, I have been wanting to bring the message of wildlife conservation and environmental awareness through a ﬁlm. Post The Little Terrorist, I was trying to ﬁgure out what I wanted to do and I thought I would like to work on something dealing with these issues. I didn’t want to make a documentary because there have been too many documentaries on the subject that

Q&A

Well, first of all, I had no idea it was going to be so difficult. (Laughs) But even if I had known that, it would not have made a difference. Basically, it’s the love and the passion I have for this artform yaar. For me, money is not all that important. The fact that I can contribute something by making people aware of what they would otherwise not be aware of, like environment for instance or my next film which is a political thriller set in Kashmir. And I like to make people laugh and cry, ya. So, that’s not a bad thing to do, especially when I know how to do it well. Hence the choice. When was the first time you realised you wanted to be a filmmaker? To be very honest, I was actually and I still am very much an actor to start with. I have always been one and I think I am going back to my first calling very soon. And that’s what started me off. Acting in theater led to directing theater. From directing theater, I moved to editing films. As I was editing films, I started writing scripts, and I was writing scripts, I started directing them. So, one thing led to another. Any shaping influences? Lots of them from across the world: Joen and Ethan Coel, Zhyang Yimou, Makhmalbatf, Kiarostami, Inarittu. Argentina, Mexico, Korea - Over the past couple of decades, we have seen dazzling independent films coming out of these countries with small film industries. Why has Indian independent cinema not made its mark yet? I keep having this debate with so many people. I moved to Mumbai last year and have got quite intimate with that world. Trying to get my film released has given me an insight into the psyche of this world. The problem with our cinema make-up is that we always try to second-guess the audience. A filmmaker will always say, “I have two crore rupees, so let’s make a film” rather than saying, “I have a script, now how do I get this financed”. The reason he wants to make a two crore film is that he cannot get a star and the reason he needs a star is because that is what he thinks the audience wants to see - despite the fact that audience have time and time again showed that stars do not work. It is the story and the real film that work. But we are still stuck in that vicious circle. Till the time our filmmakers become a little more honest and sincere and start making movies for themselves first - you make a movie for 07/09

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yourself, and if you are a person who has the pulse of the people, it will connect. That’s how it works. You cannot make a film for someone else. What about the cynical belief that people deserve the films they get? Unfortunately, people are far more smarter, far more intelligent that we give them credit for. And another problem with our film industry’s structure is that there is no level playing field. My film will compete with the next Yash Raj film. How can I compete with Yash Raj? But my film and a Yash Raj film will be shown on neighbouring screens. Why are the two films shown in the same theater? Abroad, they have Art House or independent film screening theaters. A Tom Cruise film will never open next to a Kiarostami film. With newer modes of releasing films like say, direct to DVD or pay-perview TV or Internet download, both the viewing and the revenue generation are taken care of. Do you need a theater to screen a film any longer? I wish what you saying is true and I am sure it will be true in 10-15 years time. You need to open your film in a theater regardless. People are simply not wired to watch a movie that way. Movie-watching needs to be a social exercise. Just because you have a thousand different gadgets, it does not mean the audience’s preferences and tastes are going to change. Mind you, we 058

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have been watching ﬁlms this way for over a hundred years now. And it would take a long time to change that habit. And I sincerely hope it does not change. You hope it does ‘not’ change? Because cinema is made to be watched on the big screen. The small screen is for secondary and tertiary channel of viewing

of Indian cinema. Bollywood will, at some point of time, become one of the niches. An important niche but niche all the same. We will have different kinds of cinema and Bollywood will be one of them. Along with The Forest readying for theatrical release, your Academy Award nominated short film The Little Terrorist and your debut short film Road To Ladakh are releasing on a single DVD. Ya, I am very happy that after gaining a worldwide audience, the two films are now available for Indians through this DVD. It is a very good platform for short film makers. You get to make your own film, your work gets seen and hey, you could also end up making some money which you can pay back to your creditors. Personally, there was this little explosion when The Little Terrorist got nominated and I feel, this is somehow a culmination of a journey for the film. Road To Ladakh is quite esoteric and not many people got to see it, so I am glad that it will reach a wider audience through this medium. What would be your words of advice to aspiring filmmakers out there wanting to make a short film? Firstly, I would say, make the film you want to make. You don’t need to shoot on 35 mm or anything, even a digital film can be

Cinema is made to be watched on the big screen. The small screen is for secondary and tertiary channel of viewing but a movie should open to a big screen. but a movie should open to a big screen. If not the silver screen, at least television. Unfortunately, we do not have a made-fortelevision model of movie-making like everywhere else where you not only have Art House Cinema but also made-for-television cinema which is cheaper and provides another outlet for creative moviemaking. As an independent filmmaker, do you feel optimistic going ahead? Yes, I do. It’s gonna be tough. But the new generation of filmmakers, people who have not yet made the film but are waiting in the wings, who I bump into in Mumbai nowadays, are actually very exciting. They are the future of independent filmmaking. And independent filmmaking is the future

later blown up for larger format if you get selected for the festivals. I would just say, write a great script, make a good movie and make it on a format you want to make it on. And push the envelope when it comes to experimentation. Speak out. Do whatever you think, whatever you want to do with this artform. So, let it out. And then, send it out to the festivals internationally and see who picks it up. And if the festivals do not take your ﬁlm, make one more and if that doesn’t get selected, make one more. That’s it! (Road To Ladakh and Academy Award nominated The Little Terrorist out now on a single Junglee Home Video DVD. Rs.125.00)

Q&A

Ben Stiller

Hollywood’s king of comedy talks bravado, boot camps and ‘full retard’

You’ve now made over 50 films. What was Working Tra$h, from 1990, like? That was the high point of my made-for-TV career. It was a bad ‘movie of the week’ about two janitors who learn to work the stock market and get rich. THE MAN

Sounds funny. It wasn’t. What’s the difference between you now and you then? Back then I got a lot of rejections, yet was a lot more conﬁdent. I thought I knew it all. You need that kind of bravado when starting out in a career. Is that why you quit Saturday Night Live? I was an apprentice writer and actor. I wanted to make my own short ﬁlms, but I couldn’t, so

What’s the most irritating catchphrase people shout at you on the street? It’s never irritating to hear people shout, but at times, “Hey Focker!,” gets a little old. How similar are you to the version of yourself you played in Extras? You’d have to ask other people, but hopefully not too similar. I remember looking at the part and going, “Oh that’s… interesting.” But I enjoy that kind of humour. I like seeing how far you can push it. Tropic Thunder was around for a while before it was made. When did you have the idea? 20 years ago, while doing Empire Of The Sun. All these Vietnam movies were being made then. I went for a few auditions where my friends and I went away to fake boot camps.

‘It isn’t irritating to hear people shouting something they like, but “Hey Focker!” gets a little old’ when I was given the chance to do that at MTV for no money, I took it. It was the right choice.

The facts Profession: Actor Age: 43 From: New York City See him in: Tropic Thunder; Meet The Fockers; Zoolander; Starsky & Hutch Out soon: Master Mind; Greenberg; The Hardy Men; Little Fockers

Night At The Museum 2’s cast includes Ricky Gervais, Steve Coogan, Robin Williams and Jonah Hill. You wet yourself a little laughing, right? Let’s just say a very adult version of Night At The Museum exists. Robin’s exactly as you’d imagine, funny and always making jokes you can’t do in a family movie when the camera cuts. Those guys are hilarious.

Actors started saying these camps were experiences that changed their lives. Something about that seemed funny. It was. Finally, did Robert Downey Jr improvise the full retard scene? No, that was written for a long time. It set the tone of the movie. We didn’t realise that it would cause such a stir - either positively or negatively – we just thought it was funny. Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian is out now 07/09

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Khan chronicles n)official biographer (u ’s K SR g in be on kh Mushtaq Shie

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What is it about Shah Rukh Khan (SRK) that absolutely fascinates you as a writer? Why does an enigma fascinate? For a writer, there is no better mystery to be solved and no better subject to write about. A biography is one of the most challenging of tasks that a writer faces in his lifetime, because it’s the most laborious and painful task that constantly throws up obstacles and agonising choices. Shah Rukh is an enigma to me and the book was an effort to record the life of this man and in the process and try to solve the puzzle of his being. I have managed to the former but the latter still remains elusive. What are the problems involved in writing about SRK? You cannot stop writing! That’s the problem. You want to keep probing, analysing and when you think, Eureka, now I know what he is all about, he does something totally surprising and rocks your boat. It’s not easy to record an entire life in a few chapters.

Just when you think it’s wrapped up, there is something else that you discover, sometimes in the process of writing. Other writers too have written on SRK. How is your book different from those? This book is a combination of narration of Shah Rukh’s history, a study of his ﬁlms and persona, and it has Shah Rukh’s friends, peers and contemporaries talking about the man. This pretty much sets the book apart from the rest but the signiﬁcant difference is, that this book has Shah Rukh in his own voice explaining his art and craft. How do you walk the thin line between star-struck writing and getting too judgmental? Writing about a star does not mean it has to be called star struck. Nor does writing about a star needs to be judgemental. In fact my problem when I was writing about Shah Rukh was the chances that I could take “a friend of mine for granted”. By presenting

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

Shah Rukh Can is your second book on Shah Rukh Khan after Still Reading Khan. How are the two books different? Shah Rukh Can is a revised updated version of Still Reading Khan. There are a thousand things plus one, that he has managed to do between after the ﬁrst edition was published which have been added to this particular edition. Besides the earlier one was a huge coffee table book, that weighed heavily on one’s bookshelves (4 kgs) and purse too. Therefore, the decision to bring out the book in a paperback format, so that every fan of his would be able to buy one. This version is my offering to the youth of this country who complained to me after my ﬁrst book was released that I was being unfair to them and they could not afford to read my earlier book and that it was way past their pocket money. This would reach them all and more at a affordable price of Rs 399. Certainly a throw away price to take Shah Rukh Khan home.

facts honestly, by giving a voice to the subject and by letting his friends talk about him and refraining from judging these yourself. I have however to respect an individual’s right to privacy and a personal life which is sacred to me, so there has been a certain degree of self-censorship. A biographer is not paparazzi, though at times some biographies do forget the fact. How would you describe the relationship with SRK? This is a tough one, for its nearly impossible to describe a friendship without sounding like a greeting card. The usual suspects are there: respect, admiration, trust, affection, as in any good friendship. He is my sounding board, as I said earlier, he is also someone that I look up to, somebody who keeps me grounded and someone who helps me ﬂy high.

Versova, and I remember meeting him there, dictaphone in hand, being thoroughly entertained. His quotes were the most interesting of the lot and ended taking a lot more space in the story than my editor had bargained for. What is your most exciting memory of being with him? I think it was the time I went with to attend Zee in London. I was standing there beside him and there was this sea of humanity awaiting him. It was an overwhelming sight and there he was worried how I would take the pressure, he even asked his bodyguard to protect me, if the crowd surged ahead. I was overcome with the adulation of the crowd and you know, sometimes, being friends, you take him for granted and at times like these, it makes you realise the superstar he is, the adoration he gets from his fans. And for me who has never been mobbed this was quite an experience. What is the one thing that you would want SRK to change if you could ask him to? I would like him to stop smoking. How involved is Shah Rukh in the writing of your books? Shah Rukh never grudged me any word or sentence. The book contains a series of conversations we have had over the years, some recorded, the others jotted down in various notebooks, in the margins of scripts or journals I carried. Apart from that, he was a constant source of inspiration.

Do you remember the first time you met Shah Rukh? Where was it and how did it go? Shah Rukh was a known television star and had just got his first taste of filmdom. I was a freelance journalist who thought that this guy was somebody I should interview. My editor however thought different, he was still a ‘nobody; and that there were lot of Khans, so why not a story, a composite profile of all the Khans in the industry. I remember that I wrote about 68 Khans for the story, and one of them was Shah Rukh Khan. He was shooting in a bungalow in

How did SRK react when he saw the first book? He was pleasantly surprised, thrilled and happy. He was most excited about his childhood; it was like revisiting his past, especially the collection of rare photographs warmed his heart. It reconnected him with many he though he had lost, and to see in writing their words, was heartwarming for him. Besides his compliment to me, that “if a writer of my caliber has written about his life, his own book could wait”, that was enough for me. You are also a prolific television and film writer. What is the form of writing closest to your heart? Television, books and ﬁlms have a timeless quality. But in television every word goes into a dark hole the next day. What excites

me is its prolificacy to conjure, to create everybody, write constantly and write quality every day. To capture an audience that is snacking, scolding their children, trying to work, shuffle channels, is the ultimate challenge. It gives me the highest buzz and an instant feedback, every next day, I know whether my words have clicked or not. What keeps you going as a writer? People -- the fascinating, frustrating, exhilarating, saddening, joyous, nauseas, delightful, conundrum that a human being is. To capture this and tell their stories is what keeps me going. Is there anything about SRK left to be written? Is there a third book... and a fourth...and...? I will let you into a secret… there are 40 more in the offing. Mushtaq Shiekh’s Shah Rukh Can – The Life And Times of Shah Rukh Khan is in bookstores now. FHM 07/09

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dispensable in â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s M H F r fo p u ll Roll up, ro -fuelled e n li a n re d a t s o m the 34-page guide to hat are you waiting for? trips on Ear th! W 062

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The world’s most dangerous roadtrip Jerome Starkey went to Afghanistan and found mountains and the Taliban waiting…

tanding knee-deep in an icy, black river, astride a spluttering Chinese motorbike, is never good. Worse if you’re more than 2,800 metres above sea level, on the most remote mountain range on Earth. But when you’re in north-eastern Afghanistan, surrounded by murderous nomads? It’s lethal. What the hell was I doing? 07/09

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Seven days earlier, three mates and I had set off from the Afghanistan capital, Kabul, armed with a 39-year-old guidebook, four rickety Chinese trail bikes worth less than £1,500 combined, and a Toyota Landcruiser full of black-market US army rations. Our destination: the recently re-opened Wakhan Corridor in the north-east. It’s a mountain pass to China, with Tajikistan to the north and Pakistan to the south. Marco Polo was the ﬁrst European to reach it trekking from Venice to China more than 700 years ago. A band of British adventurers, including Boris Johnson’s dad, tried to retrace Polo’s steps in 1961, but they never made it.

After 30 days at sea, Spanner’s liferaft ﬁnally washed up to shore

Bike loved spooning

Into Taliban territory And today it’s even harder. Afghanistan, in case you hadn’t heard, is at war. As we set off, helicopter gunships swooped over the American airbase at Bagram to remind us. True, most of the ﬁghting is in the south, and we were riding north-east. But there was one district on our route we’d been warned to avoid: a small enclave of the Taliban, called Wardooj. A NATO convoy hit a roadside bomb there two days before we arrived. And that, stupidly, was where I crashed. Almost comically, I hit the only other vehicle we’d seen all day: another motorbike with two men. No one was hurt, but my front wheel was completely buckled. As the men I’d nearly killed rode off as soon as they could, we were stuck for two hours rebuilding the wheel. We took turns as lookouts; none of us fancied spending a night, or 90, in a Taliban well – a favourite place for hostages. But with a billion-dollar heroin trade and a lucrative market in guns, the locals have bigger things to worry about than dirty foreigners on motorbikes. And so we made it to the Salang – one of the highest and longest mountain tunnels in the world through the mountains which cut Afghanistan in half. The Russians built it in 1964: 2,700 metres of puddles, ice and pot holes, 3,360m above sea level. Thick with fumes, you can rarely see more than a few metres in front of you – exciting when most people are driving B6 bullet-proof armoured cars. And you’re on a motorbike. But we survived. Kishim, where we ate lunch the next day, was the end of the Tarmac road and the ﬁrst real test of our rust-riddled bikes. Our ancient guidebook warned the road was “considerably deteriorated”, but, it claimed, “an ambitious road building programme is envisioned, so hopefully better time may be made in the future.” Four 064

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Jerome’s route to Ishkash “Shit, here comes Boorman”

decades later, they are still building it. Afghanistan’s border police have a similar approach to bureaucracy. For our Wakhan “permits” (a handwritten scrap of paper from a local colonel), we spent a day dodging bribes in police headquarters. But it’s worth it: the local nomads double up as smugglers. A Russian climber who made it in without a permit has been missing, presumed dead, for more than a year.

Mouth-to-mouth mechanics If all this sounds a bit too much trouble, believe me: every pothole, every bribe, every near-death overtaking manoeuvre was worth it when we finally made it to the Wakhan. It’s breathtakingly beautiful: a wide, lush valley, flanked by the Pamir Mountains, and fed by glaciers that rise above the snowline. The glaciers melt during the day and the river levels rise. The best time to cross is midmorning – in a big car. We arrived at 3pm, on 150cc motorbikes. The river was in flood, at

Snowmobile Alaska Where: Anchorage For £160 you get a ﬁve-hour skidoo ride through the Chugach Mountains – which means frozen waterfalls, blue icebergs and beaver ponds. Try not to laugh at “beaver ponds” when you’re there, yes? Do it: snowtours.net

Ride the Megavalanche Where: Alpe d’Huez, France Got a mountain bike? The Megavalanche is a downhill marathon from the Pic Blanc glacier to the valley ﬂoor below. In between? Some 30kms of snow, ice, rocks and mud. And the 1,600 other competitors riding around you, screaming “merde!”. Do it: Avalanchecup.com

How To Do It

Go extreme fishing

ARGUS PHOTOGRAPHY, REX. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS

All you’ll need for an Afghan adventure

Flights: Fly into Kabul from Dubai (with KamAir, Safi or Pamir Airways) or from Delhi (with Indian Airways) for around US$600, return. Visas: Take a few days from the Afghan embassy in Delhi. Bikes: Chinese trail bikes, like the ones we used, cost around $770 (shops in Kabul accept dollars). Cheaper bikes are available… Support: Register with the Indian Embassy in Kabul in case things go tits up. Cars with a driver and translator range from $150 to $300 a day, from afghanlogisticstours.com. There are no sizeable shops in the Wakhan – carry 40l of extra petrol in the car, spare diesel, and three days’ worth of rations. The ‘Bush Bazaar’ in Kabul sells all sorts of knock-off American supplies. If you plan to go trekking take tents, food, a first aid kit and water purification pills. Emergencies: Most of the road is covered by Afghanistan’s mobile networks. Foreign phones can roam, or you can buy a local SIM card. Tour companies can provide satellite phones for emergencies. Up-to-date information: The Aga Khan Foundation runs a tourism office and guesthouses along the corridor (wakhan.org). The Kabul Survival Guide (kabulguide.net) has a well-used bulletin board with up-to-date news and gossip from the Kabul-based ex-pats. Remember: Cars and bikes break down, officials are corrupt, permits are revoked, roads get washed away and mechanics make things worse. Don’t expect a five star holiday.

Where: Central Thailand This place was featured in Robson Green’s Extreme Fishing – a fairly awesome show – because there are hundreds of stingrays waiting to be caught for only £135 (you pay, not them). Do it: ﬁshthailand.co.uk

Explore the miners’ lair

The Wakhan valley: popular

Where: Snowdonia When it’s not raining its arse off, the Welsh national park scenery is amazing. But even more impressive are the 200-year-old mines. Not as claustrophobic as potholing, but still creepy enough. Do it: outdooradventureactivities.com

Track a wolf least 20 metres wide, deep and thick with silt. I charged in and lost my bike. We dragged her out, but all the mouth-to-mouth mechanics couldn’t save her. I was broken. My mate Jeremy’s bike went next, and we had to ride in the support car as the others struggled through river after river for two long days. Then, ﬁnally, we reached Sarhad-e Broghil, a hamlet hemmed in by mountains that marked the end of the road. From there, the only way forward is on foot, horse or yak. We’d ridden more than 1,000km through the most dangerous of territories, climbed over 4,500m and survived eight crashes, en route to one of the most remote places in the whole world. According to the locals of Sarhad-e Broghil, it was the ﬁrst time anyone had done it. Two of the four bikes made it to the end of the road. None of them made it back.

Where: Bergslagen, Sweden

Howl at the moon while trekking in Sweden. If the wolves are feeling shy there’s every chance you’ll bump into a brown bear or lynx. Do it: naturetravels.co.uk

Roll down a hill in a big plastic ball Where: Oxford Gravity-defying fun called ‘Sphering’, where you and a mate get tied into a 12-foot-tall ball. Then bounce down a steep hill at 30mph, going, ‘Urgh, urgh…” Do it: £60; via snipurl.com/fv659 Eyeballs prepared to tee off

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Samurai always did a line before battle

Drive a tank Where: Derbyshire What better way to quell rush-hour road rage than by hooﬁng around a tranquil ﬁeld in an FV433 Abbot SPG tank? This bad boy will crush anything from a Chinese student to that banged up old Vauxhall Cavalier your boss drives. Do it: £250 per person; tankmania.co.uk

Run the angry river

Drive the open roadski Where: Russia At 11,000km the Trans-Siberian Highway is the longest roadtrip in the world. Imagine the A1 north of Newcastle, but with ex-gulags rather than Little Chefs. Do it: Moscow ﬂights £138 with Austrian Airlines (aua.com), Avis car hire from £7 per day (avis.com)

Go noodling Where: South Carolina This is the sport of catching giant ﬂat-head catﬁsh using only your bare hands. Dive into holes, feel about, hope it’s not a ’gator. Do it: okienoodler.com

Bungee like Bond Where: Lake Locarno, Switzerland That mind-blowing bungee jump Pierce Brosnan does over a dam at the beginning of GoldenEye was voted Best Stunt Of All Time for a reason. Do it: £749; snipurl.com/fv7j6

“Bungee!” shouted Christmas tree

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Train as a Japanese Samurai Henry Rimmer learns ancient skills from a genuine Master

“

our sword is quick, the cut is deep and clean. You need only one. Why?” asks the man in the black kimono. He draws a line over his heart with his left hand. In his right he holds a katana, a Samurai sword. It is razor sharp. I don’t know the answer to his question. Four ninjas are crouched on the dojo ﬂoor near me, black-clad, coiled and ready to pounce. The lone female ‘ninjette’ is incredibly hot, but could no doubt snap my sternum in a second. I avoid eye contact. “Because,” the man explains placidly, “our opponent will not suffer, his death will be swift and honourable.” I nod sagely, and inwardly punch the air. The man is a modern day Samurai master. Over the last four hours, I’ve been stood in a dojo in the Tokyo suburb of Ikebukuro – home to a Samurai clan that can trace its origins back to the 12th century. I’ve been thrown, felled, humiliated by speed-of-light

grappling techniques and witnessed first hand the legendary – and very real – two-inch punch. I’m living a dream. And any martial art movie buff can, too. In an afternoon, visitors can learn the Samurai’s Bushido code, and train as an elite warrior. Or follow the more morally ambiguous route of the ninja – and learn aspects of the assassination, espionage and “social chaos” they’ve specialised in since the 14th century. Granted, you’re unlikely to leave with the ability to dodge shuriken. But you will get to play with them. Like the first time I draw my katana sword and stand poised, concentrating, drawing on the physical and spiritual energy of the thousands of warriors that have lived and fought throughout time. Only the Samurai laughs. My sword is facing the wrong way. Do it: From £90; japanican.com. Henry stayed at the Hotel Villa Fontaine in Shinjuku (hvf.jp) and flew with ANA (ana.co.jp). For more on travelling to Japan visit jnto.go.jp.

NEIL THOMSON, REX, WORLD PICTURE NEWS. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS

Where: Montenegro The ex-communist stronghold just happens to harbour some of the best white water rafting in the world. Pay £37 to run the Tara river rapids for three days and you’ll impress rafters everywhere. Do it: rafting.co.uk

Tame a Mongolian horse

Go bush diving Where: Australia Stop sniggering, this is lethal. Think you can stay alive in 45ºC heat in the shade, with the nearest water 1,000 km away? Learn from the locals how to go walkabout, ﬁnd water and food, and build weapons for hunting. Do it: australianbushsafari.com

Where: Mongolia The Mongol Derby is the toughest horse race in the world. Recreating the old postal route of the great Khaans, 25 participants ride ﬂat out all day and, by night, sleep in yurts. Presumably face-down. Do it: £3,050; mongolderby.theadventurists. FHM’s Henry’s video wasn’t as good as the fat Star Wars kid’s

com

Pull a barrel roll

Ice climb in a shop

Where: Florida, USA Celebrating the life of bear-wrestling scribe Ernest Hemingway, for £230 you ﬂy a vintage 1941 biplane over his former stomping ground – pulling a barrel roll as you pass his stilt house and skim over the coral reefs of Cotrell Key. Do it: keywestairtours.com

Where: London and Manchester Pop to the Ellis Brigham store in Covent Garden, or North Face in Manchester – and you can pretend you’re on the Eiger for just £20. Think: inside your neglected freezer, but on a much bigger scale. Do it: vertical-chill.com

Become the Stig

Figure-eight banger racing

Where: Across the UK No one can afford a Lamborghini these days – but you can still borrow one for a day. 500hp, a V10 engine, six gears and a roof you’ll bump your head on. All for £85. Do it: treatme.net

Where: Indianapolis These geniuses ensured there would be more crashes by changing the traditional oval into a ﬁgure of eight. Driving experience required, not that it will matter. Do it: speedrome.com

Fly the world’s longest zipline Josh Woodfin experiences two kilometres of 110mph wire-flying

“I thought we were going to wear mustard today lads?” God was a poor ﬁsherman

Josh’s ‘plummet’

magine the view: the savannahs of the North West Province of South Africa. Below, the game reserve stretches out into the distance – lions, cheetah, elephants and black rhinos. And then a voice behind me: “Get the parachute out. He’s a big lad and might need slowing down before he hits the pylon.” It’s the one blot in the vista: the 2km-long cable that’s stretching off into the distance. The world’s longest, fastest and highest zip-line. As I’m clipped into a giant papoose and hoisted onto the launch pad, they ask if I’m comfortable; I wonder brieﬂy if it matters. But then they’re counting down “5,4,3,2,1” and my stomach drops out my arse and, for a terrifying moment, I’m heading straight for the ground. It takes a moment for your brain to work out you’re not plummeting to your death, but then you realise, “Hey! I’m not going to die! This is fun.” And it really, really is. Flying above the ground at 180kph, I imagined myself as a vulture scanning the plain for carrion. But you can do engine noises and pretend you’re a jet if you fancy: the point is, if only for a moment, you’re really ﬂying. Or, at least, falling in a controlled fashion. Do it: £25; zip2000.co.za. For hotels visit suninternational.com 07/09

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Take a $1m golf shot Elephant-back safari Where: Pilanesberg Ride an ostrich Enjoy all the wonders and the ‘big Where: Oudtshoorn ﬁve’ in the Pilanesberg National The ostrich is the fastest bird in Park from the safety of the back of the world, able to run at 70kph, an elephant. Because let’s face it: and has a kick that can kill a man. no lions will mess with you while Great facts to remember as you these bad boys have your six. climb onto the ostrich’s back and Do it: sa-venues.com cling onto its neck for dear life as it barrels down a 100m course at Highgate Farm. Do it: highgate.co.za

Where: Limpopo Do you have the eyes of a hawk? Then you could grab $1m – if you land a hole-in-one at the 19th hole of the Legend Golf and Safari Resort. Sadly, however, they’re not referring to the bar, but a green 430m below the tee. Which is on nearby Hanglip Mountain. And is only accessible by helicopter. Do it: legend-resort.com

Run head-ﬁ rst down a cliff Where: Johannesburg A bit like abseiling, ‘rapp running’ involves attaching yourself to a specialist harness before literally running down a cliff face. Expect fear, fun, some knee-scufﬁng. Do it: sa-venues.com

Spear a leviathan Where: Cape Town Real men need nothing more than a spear gun to catch a monster of the deep. Marlin up to 5 metres long can be speared off the coast – but that’s the easy bit. Holding on as they swim at speeds of 110kph? Not so much. Do it: uncoverthecape.co.za

Shoot your mate in a jet ﬁ ghter Where: Cape Town Unreal levels of fun with this private collection of old military jets. Go on ‘bombing’ sorties, break the sound barrier and even dogﬁght with mates. Not cheap, though: prices start from £5,200. Do it: thundercity.com

Track a rhino

Dive with crocs Where: Oudtshoorn Shark diving? Yawn. Head over to Cango Ranch, and you can sit in a cage surrounded by four-meter crocodiles. They have a bite pressure of two tons – that’s four times the great white shark. Do it: sa-venues.com

Where: Northern KwaZulu, Natal Not the most difficult thing, Paraglide the bottom granted. But still, walking on foot through the Pongola Game Reserve of Africa looking for these chubby unicorns Where: Sedgefield is the experience of a lifetime. And Like flying in a really rickety plane: don’t worry: if they run at you, a this is the only way to experience man with a massive gun is one of the most beautiful stretches standing next to you. of coastline in the world. See Do it: pongolagamereserve.co.za Mossel Bay and the storms river from above, and hock a greenie on an elephant… Do it: paraglidingsa.com

The Springbok tour Heading to South Africa for the 2010 World Cup? Plan it now – for our ex-racist cousins are now the planet’s extreme fun specialists

Where: London One-day workshop on how to take beatings and bullets like a Hollywood fall guy. Hosted by pros who’ve worked on studio sets ranging from Batman to Star Trek the day culminates with an extensive lesson on how to ﬁght, Bourne Identitystyle. Do it: snipurl.com/fhbjn

$1,000,000 pigeon race Where: Sun City In South Africa you can race these rats of the sky and be in with a chance of winning a cool one million. It’s not like it is ‘oop North.’ Do it: scmdpr.com

The Yanks opened the war with typical razzmatazz

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Live Guitar Hero competition Where: Derbyshire Challenge a festival full of scrumpy-fuelled metal

heads to a computerised version of dueling banjos at this years Bloodstock festival. Do it: Weekend ticket £100; bloodstock. uk.com

Rock jumping Where: Across the UK Born in the Czech Republic, rock jumping is the bastard son of parkour and rock climbing. Its simplicity, you jumping between rocks, belays its danger. Rocks are hard, sharp and funnyshaped. All bad things when you’re 70ft up. Do it: www.ukclimbing.com

Do the Crumball Rally Where: Across Europe Forget the rich-kids-in-Ferraris-killing-locals formula of other European races; to enter the Crumball Rally, your car can’t cost more than £200. Add a £165 fee, plus ferries etc. Then get annoyed when you break down on the start line. Do it: crumballrally.com

NEIL THOMSON, REX. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS

Become a stuntman

Swing off a 33-storey waterfall One small step for a man, one gigantic leap of faith for Josh Woodfin

E Someone had to go and untangle the garden hose

Josh’s 33storey drop

FHM’s Josh is glad he didn’t wear his white shorts

very single fibre in my body is screaming: don’t do it. But the fear of endless pisstaking back in the office outweighs the fear of smashing into the rocks below at 120mph. So, I breathe. I shuffle forward. Then jump head-first off a 33-storey building. Or rather the natural equivalent thereof. About 120km south of Durban in South Africa lies the Oribi Gorge, a spectacular scar that was carved into the flats of the KwasZulu-Natal by the Mzimkulu river. A breathtaking example of nature’s power, true – but for the nearby Oribi Gorge Hotel, it’s a chance to dick around on ropes. And so, secured in a full body harness, I’ve been strapped into the Wild Swing. I’m perched 130m above the gorge floor on a rocky outcrop not much bigger than my size 12s. They tell me there are leopards in the area, but a bunch of them could jump out and do a number from Mamma Mia! , and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. All my concentration is willing me to step off. And I do. Instantly the world falls away and for two seconds I’m in freefall until the rope takes. I snap round and blast into a 100m arc and skim over the rocks at the foot of the Lehrs falls. Then I’m laughing maniacally: I’ve survived! And it was amazing. Despite the fact I’ve essentially just fallen off a cliff, I feel like I’ve really achieved something. After being winched back up the snapper looks at me sheepishly: “If you did want to do it again, I could do with more shots.” I don’t need to be asked twice. I’m invincible. Do it: Onl y £10 a go! See oribigorge.co.za or southafrica.net 07/09

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FHM’s Alan: more Goose than Maverick

Air-race your mates

Alan Kindell realises his least-gay Top Gun fantasies – in, er, Gloucestershire Alan’s course map

Plane couldn’t hold it in

Where: Ashbourne, Derbyshire Two teams of 700 people forcing the ball from one end of town to another. For eight hours. Do it: ashbourne-town.com

Drag hunting Where: Across the UK Drag hunting involves a scented decoy being pulled across the countryside for the hunt to follow. No blood, but good fun. Do it: ruralsports.co.uk

Visit the world’s biggest spy station Where: Harrogate, Yorkshire Menwith Hill is home to the ECHELON system (how the UK/US governments monitor our phonecalls). But they’ll let you visit, to gawp at the famous golfball radar stations. Do it: outandoutnutter.co.uk

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Heli-safari the Alps Where: Switzerland Ski across Switzerland, France and Italy. And in the coolest way possible: getting dropped at the top of the each Alp by a sinister black chopper. Do it: From £4,000; snipurl.com/fv77m

Man-themed theme park Where: Stuttgart, Germany The world’s only theme park designed for men. Do it: maennerspielplatz.de

Conquer Le Tour’s toughest climb Where: Provence, France You can cycle the 248km over two days with hotels for £495. Professional cyclists have died there, you can too. Do it: gpm10.com

Saddle was sick of his life

NEIL THOMSON, MARK WATKINS, ANDY ANNABLE AT CAM-ARA.CO.UK, PA. ILLUSRATION: RICHARD PHIPPS

Play mob football

“

ltimate Three Zero, this is air traffic control. FHM you are clear to race.” “Roger that. I have control.” And so began the most exhilarating three minutes you can experience in Britain. Specifically at the controls of an Extra 300L: a £200k, 9-litre, 300bhp stunt plane. A 250mph Lamborghini with wings. As a fan of Red Bull air racing, I’d watched the sport’s popularity, er, sky-rocket. But now, for a little under £400, at an airfield in Gloucestershire, I was about to do it, too. The challenge, as ex-RAF man Mark ‘Greeners’ Greenfield briefed us that morning, is an 8-mile course where you perform a series of moves and stunts such as “quadro gate” and “half-Cuban”. The race is against four other Maverick-wannabes to be king of the skies. But the thrill? Just how quickly you actually fly the thing yourself. You’re briefed, get a quick run-through on opening your

Plane’s nostril hair was out of control

Giant Post-It Note stalked the local farm

Do the reverse bungee

Go ‘extreme’ at home

Poor? Agoraphobic? In prison? Turn your home into an adventure playground

TRELLIS CLIMBING Begin with a nursery slope – say, by ‘summiting’ your shed. Get the basics down: belaying with washing line, gaining footholds in the clematis armandii, using twine as a karabiner etc. Then attempt the domestic equivalent of K2: the dangerous ‘north face of the kitchen extension’.

in their natural habitat: cleaning, preening, shitting in the DVD player… Oblivious to your presence, they may even start talking in upper-class English voices. Just like you’d always suspected.

BATHWATER RAFTING

Empty cartons of Ariel into the bath, turn on the taps PET SAFARI and leave for an hour. Now Block the cat ﬂap, then retreat to your ‘hide’: use the ‘good’ towels to channel the deluge down a pile of throw cushions in the lounge. Motionless, the stairs, select a large tea tray and… push off. You’ll you can then observe Puss and ‘Mr Woof Woof’ gather speed quickly, so

parachute, followed by a morning lesson and full practice run, then – after lunch – you’re racing it yourself. For real. Of course, Greeners sits behind me – he takes care of the take-off and makes sure that when I do take control, any of my death-defying moves don’t end in actual death. Circling at 2,000ft, clearance comes from the tower and we’re in full flyboy mode. A push on the stick sends the plane into a dive as we rush towards the start gate 1,300ft below us at 200mph+. The next few minutes are a blur of tight turns with four times the force of gravity pushing my body hard into the seat, my eyes desperately looking out of the top of the canopy to spot the next gate, all while trying to remain as smooth as possible in the air to maintain speed and not lose time. The half-Cuban is a combination of sky, earth, weightlessness and panic, and before I know it I’m on the home straight egging the propeller towards the finish line. “Woo hoo! Good time, FHM! Good time!” shouts Greeners, as he takes back the controls and does a few celebratory stall turns. And all of my Top Gun fantasies (apart from ‘the volleyball one’) have come true. After a few penalties for clipping a gate, my time of 3min 28secs isn’t the fastest, but I finish third, just behind two licensed pilots. “I’m not blowing smoke up your arse here,” Greeners tells us, “but for a novice I’d give you 8.5 out of ten. ” Not bad going, really – and as we ‘Foxtrot Oscar’ home, there’s a grin the size of a 747 on our face. Do it: Visit ultimatehigh.co.uk for more

gaffer-tape a pillow to the radiator. And one to your head, for when your girlfriend arrives home and starts screaming.

GARAGE POTHOLING Remember the awe of the last time you looked in the garage for the coolbox? It was like opening an Egyptian tomb! Rekindle this wonder by strapping on a head torch, crawling through the dog ﬂap and searching this hallowed place for ‘priceless relics’. Behold! Half a bag of cement and a dead moth!

Where: Cusco, Peru You stay tethered to the ground – while your elastic cord is stretched 393ft in the air. Close your eyes, wait for the nice Peruvian to cut the rope, ping, sky, earth, sky.... Ace! Do it: £42; snipurl.com/fhu9j

Survive 1984 Where: Vilnius, Lithuania Pay £31 and you’ll be interrogated by KGB ofﬁcers and have orders barked at you. Woo. Do it: sovietbunker.com

Max Cat 6x6 off roaders Where: Reading, Berkshire Spend a day piling through puddles, pulling epic skids and wanting to stay. 07/09

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Jenna Jamesonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gynaecologist got to work

Scuba dive between two tectonic plates Chris Bell slightly sullies a geological phenomenon in Iceland

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The Silfra Rift in Iceland

The Silfra Rift, Icleand

ERLENDUR PÓR MAGNÚSSON

tood in my pants on a drizzly subArctic moorland, I’m shivering and worrying. I’m at Thingvellir in Iceland, a rare point where two major tectonic plates meet above ground. In front of me is the gap between the North American plate and Eurasian plate: a 6mwide, 150m-deep trench of water called the Silfra Rift. Where, foolishly, I’ve opted to scuba dive. True, it’s been getting 2cm wider every year, but there’s still the tiny possibility that it’ll slam shut while we’re in it. A freak magma surge, a deafening rumble, and… crunch: suddenly I’m a slightly startled fossil. But there are other concerns. The water here comes from a glacier 50km away, filtering through the intervening lava field over 15 years. This makes Silfra officially the clearest dive site in the world. But it also makes it freezing, at just 1ºC. My second fear: if I do become a fossil, it’d be nice to not have a tiny cock. Future palaeontologists might point and laugh. Already laughing, however, is my divemaster Hedinn. He hilariously recalls a 6.2-strength earthquake only last summer “which narrowed a few of the trenches”. But he’s dived here over 1,000 times, and is as excited as ever. And as we descend the metal steps into the first of over 250m of channels, I can see why. The word “breathtaking” doesn’t do it justice. It’s incredible. Sure, at certain points, it’s narrow enough to touch America and Europe. But it’s the 100m visibility that makes you choke on your mouthpiece. Rock walls tower either side of you; further on, experienced divers can explore endless caves. The numbness in your face is soon forgotten – this is a proper, once-in-a-lifetime experience. No wonder, then, that as soon as we surface, we’re eager to dive again. Hedinn smiles knowingly. I spit to clean my mask; in my excitement, a brownish lump of phlegm falls out. Hedinn frowns. So much for 15 years of water purification.Do it: Dives from £156; diveiceland.com or adventures.is. Flights from £69; icelandexpress.com FHM’s Chris does his best Adrian Chiles impression

Rally in a mototaxi

Scuba dooba do! Six other incredible dive sites around the world

Dive on the German fleet Where: The Orkney Islands Show your contempt for the Boche by weeing on their famous battle cruiser Derfflinger at Scapa Flow. Do it: scapascuba.co.uk Survive where Irwin didn’t Where: Great Barrier Reef The largest coral system in the world with not just Steve Irwin-spiking rays: there are dolphins, turtles, whales and tins of XXXX. Do it: divethereef.com Dive with hammerheads Where: Mexico El Bajo is known as Hammerhead City, as the number of sharks hanging around often reaches 200. Do it: divequest.co.uk Swim with bona fide killers Where: Norway Ever seen that episode of Blue Planet when the killerwhale flicks the seal in the air? Be that seal. Do it: tysfjord-turistsenter.no Break some ruins Where: Greece Until recently, the Greeks restricted diving around the Ionians. They’ve been lifted however, so now you can roam this largely unexplored trove of ancient relics. Do it: divingcorfu.com Dive into a war-zone Where: Sri Lanka Tourist numbers have dwindled due to the fighting around Nilaveli, but the diving is ace. Do it: tangerinehotels.com

Where: Paraguay via Peru Put-put your way across 4000 kms in a tuk-tuk through jungles the Andes mountains. Do it: mototaxijunket.theadventurists.com

Drive over a glacier Where: Iceland Leave your AA membership at home: they won’t ﬁnd you on the Tindfjallajökull, a vast 19km2 glacier on a dormant Icelandic volcano. Drive your Toyota Double Cab out at dawn, splash though the rivers, sledge the slopes after lunch. Do it: 4x4.is

Rock fishing Where: Across the UK Rock ﬁsherman want none of that peaceful stuff. They’d rather hunt for prime cod while perched on a boulder far out to sea in the dead of winter. Do it: seaﬁshingandwalking.co.uk

See India from a zipline Where: India. Duh The 15th century Neemrana Fort Palace, 122km from New Delhi, is a historical ‘must-see’ that’s just got a thousand times more exciting. Do it: £15 per tour; ﬂyingfox.asia

River surfing Where: Queenstown, New Zealand Scared of losing their adventure crown, the Kiwis grasp at straws by removing all rafts and start sending people down rapids on little boogie boards. Do it: riversurﬁng.co.nz

Be the first Iraq tourist Where: Baghdad Okay, not the ﬁrst. But Hinterland Travel resumed their guided tours in March. Now, for £1,900 (plus ﬂights), a 16-day tour starts in Baghdad and ends in Basra, when you or your body is shipped home. Do it: hinterlandtravel.com 07/09

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Fly the world’s only aerobatic airline Tom Howard finds peanuts and duty free unnecessary

Caption to go here please

Downhill skateboard Where: Across the UK Travel at the national speed limit wearing nothing but a pair of leather overalls. It’s really good fun, till you get to one of those pesky corners… Do it: ukgsa.org

Dive below zeroº Where: Russia The White Sea is Europe’s only ice-covered sea. Underneath the pack, however, are ice arches and cavities with great visibility, mercury at 2 below. Do it: ice-diving.co.uk

Toboggan in the dark Where: Val Thorens, France Pure idiocy. For £15, you get a helmet light, a thin plastic sledge, a cable car to the 3000m-high Peclet Glacier, and no instruction whatsoever. Do it: valthorens.com

Cave diving Where: Across the UK It’s like every nightmare most people have wrapped into one. Do it: cavedivinggroup.org.uk

“Neeeeoooowww!” said FHM’s Tom, still on the ground

his’ll beat your package flight to Magaluf this year guaranteed. Rock up to the Sywell Aerodrome near Northampton and you’ll meet four ex-RAF, ex-Red Arrows pilots who know how to fly – hard. They are The Blades. And if doing loop the loops and twinkle rolls in a stunt plane with three buddies flying alongside you sounds fun, they’re your heroes. And mine, despite the taste of puke in my mouth and G-force hangover I had for two days after landing. But having had a sick bag popped into my harness (“just in case”) before flying upside down 3,000 feet in the air at 150mph with a man I’d known for an hour, a funny burp and not dying horribly was a good result. Not that a bad result was an option,

because the pilots are man-crush-worthy champions of the sky who’ve fought in wars and left the Red Arrows to fly, instead, with officially the world’s only aerobatic airline. And although you can’t do everything The Blades do (largely because your skull would come out of your mouth and your eyes would explode), they’ll rekindle your love of everything Ryanair’s made you hate. And consider this. Currently, the planet’s tallest and fastest rollercoaster is the Tower Of Terror at Gold Reef City in South Africa. On that you endure a world-record 6.3Gs. Fly with the Blades, and you’ll suffer a brainmelting nine. Do it: Around £1,000 per head (based on four people flying); theblades.biz

Track a tiger at night Where: India The kind of safari that sees you visit the Satpura Tiger Reserve, strap on infra-red goggles and stake out in the hope of seeing tigers hunting. Do it: £160 per night; forsythlodge.com

Canyoning experience Where: Aberdovey Slide down soaking rock faces, clamber over boulders and shatter ankles as you make your way down Perthshire’s most unstable waterways! Do it: exelement.co.uk

Be like Kes Where: Across the UK Popular among Arab princes, falconry involves using raptors to hunt. And that is cool. 074

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At your own risk

Unofﬁcial, unsupervised and unwise unless you know what you’re doing

45 MPH IN A CANOE GO BEHIND Where: Wales Because strapping your legs into a tiny unstable plastic boat isn’t dangerous enough. Last November thrill-seekers were spotted hurtling down the spillway at Llyn Brianne reservoir. You can hit 45mph – before being catapulted into the air like a doll. Do it: This video says it all: snipurl.com/fovvp

NIAGARA FALLS

CYCLE INTO THE DARK, FAST

SEE SECRET UK UNDERGROUND

Where: Buffalo, NY Another one to arrange yourself. Behind Niagara lie enormous hydroelectric power stations. Hidden from view and semi-sealed they’re rich catnip to anyone with curiosity, ropes and a torch. Do it: Visit vanishingpoint.ca for tips

Where: Anywhere Bored of endangering your life cycling on roads? Then endanger yourself off them. Grab a head torch, some decent bike lights and head off-road. Just be alert for walls, fences, sheep, trees, houses etc. Do it: Try nightmtbexperience.co.uk for advice

Where: Nationwide Bored of daylight, enthusiasts are now logging the remnants of Britain’s past. Breaking into disused Cold War bunkers, Tube stations, power plants, messing about. Do it: subbrit.org.uk has a nerdish amount of info

Fly a WWII bombing run Where: Various USA airfields Get some war-themed air thrills where you man a gun turret aboard a beautifully restored B-17G Flying Fortress. Do it: £267; b17.org

Ride a rodeo cow The Disco Train hits The Alps

Where: Missouri, USA Enjoy the great American tradition of trying to hold on to the back of an unhinged animal as it tries to buck you off and tear you open with its horns. Do it: sankeyrodeo.com

Go extreme boar hunting Where: Tennesee, USA Minutes from the Jack Daniel’s distillery, a group of good ol’ boys will take you out to see corned hogs up close and personal. That’s 600 pounds of angry gristle, muscle and, hopefully, dinner. Do it: tnboar.com

Shunning ET’s offer of a hand-job, FHM’s Chris hits the bar

Ride the disco train Chris Bell climbs aboard the fastest nightclub in the West

he trick – as sadly only a few of the passengers seem to discover – is to get so drunk that the movement of the dancefloor and your own bollocksed swaying cancel each other out. Although being fair, it’s not easy: when the nightclub you’re dancing in happens to be barrelling through the quiet French countryside at about 125mph. Welcome to the Snow Train, the best-kept secret of skiers and snowboarders for the last 20 years – and, if you’re heading to The Alps this winter, the only way to travel. It’s certainly the easiest: you jump on the Eurostar at St Pancras on a Friday at 5.30pm, walk across the platform at Paris’ Gare Du Nord, and wake up in The Alps the next morning. Plus it’s more convenient than flying: as it stops at Moutiers (for Val Thorens) and Bourg St Maurice (Les Arcs), there are no coach transfers, and you get an extra two days skiing per week, on what are traditionally transfer days. True, it’s not luxurious; the couchette sleepers are a little ‘Soviet’. But you won’t be sleeping. Instead, buy booze and food before you board, then wander down to coach seven – the ‘Disco Carriage’, recently refitted with a

DJ booth, laser light system and full bar. And then wait for the confusion to set it – as your drunken brain tries to stay upright and remember the words to Don’t Stop Movin’, while staring at endless wheatﬁelds screaming past outside the window. Do it: Prices start at £229; raileurope.co.uk

Be an arm wrestling champion Where: Lancashire Take it out of the pub and into the big league. Do it: armwrestling.co.uk

Surf down a volcano Where: Nicaragua Pah – lawyers go surﬁng these days. Proper thrill-seekers scale the 728m of Cerro Negro, and surf back down, passing over warm ashes on a board. Do it: £2,599; blacktomato.co.uk

Climb the world’s tallest tree Where: California Once in California’s Lassen, Chico and Redwood national parks you can clamber over gigantic arboreal beauties that can grow as high as 380ft. Do it: £939; awwt.co.uk

Fly… underwater Where: Nevada, USA The Super Aviator is a winged submarine with room for two. Do it: £1,800; incredible-adventures.com

One way or another Cambridge would ﬁnish

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The ball boys got a raw deal during extreme tennis

Climb the world’s highest ladder

“It’s a bit of a commute, but it’s got great views,” said the estate agent

Caption to go here please

Or, if you’re Stuart Hood, lie dying, while others do

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heart is booming audibly. In fact, it feels like it’s pushing my eyes out. Add in altitude sickness, sunburn and multiple cramps, and if, say, you were a perilously unﬁt Scottish alcoholic, failure would probably be an option. Well, I am. And it was. In short, I failed. Sorry. I ﬂew all the way to Malaysia, then gave way – collapsing at 3,300m and unable to go on. Apologies, then, to both my colleagues and the readers. I can offer only this in support: I asked my climbing companion Duncan what the via ferrata was like. “Best thing I’ve ever done,” he reveals. “But it is hairy in places – the worst being the wafer-thin suspension bridge. It’s hellish – dangling 3,600m above ground.” And the vertical cliff face descent? “Not as bad as you’d think. Kind of like wing walking, just without the wing.” Sounds nice, eh? Do it: £350; mountaintorq.com

FAILED! While FHM’s Stuart cries like a girl, his companions carry on

DUNCAN MADDEN, ULI JOOSSE, REX

ooking back, the world’s highest anything was always going to be a problem. Yet before actually standing in 30ºC heat staring up at Borneo’s Mount Kinabalu, I hadn’t appreciated that the planet’s loftiest ‘via ferrata’ (Italian for iron way) might be tough to get to. Cue carnage. A haphazard, embarrassing mission failure that makes Captain Scott’s Antarctic expedition seem ‘well planned’. Or ‘adequately clothed’. It sounded simple. Walk Mount Kinabalu’s Low’s Peak Circuit – a 763m-long mountain path, equipped with ﬁxed cables and ladders, that allow crap climbers to traverse sheer rock-faces after only minimal instruction (my safety brieﬁng lasted 20 minutes). Only problem? It sits 8km up a mountain path and some 3,800m above sea level. And while guidebooks say Mount Kinabalu is the planet’s easiest mountain to climb, by the time I reach the 6.5km ‘rest house’ my

Go ice driving Paul French tears Lapland a new one in a Merc

Off-roading in Land Rovers Where: Northamptonshire Climb into a new 4x4 at picturesque Rockingham Castle – then hammer through mud, lakes and crevasses while screaming “get some!” at trees. Do it: £160; offroadmasters.com

Go cave-tubing Where: New Zealand A wet suit, a helmet, a torch and an inner tube: the perfect ingredients for black water rafting through underground river caves. Do it: £80; waitomo.com

Urban assault ride Where: All over the US A two-wheeled scavenger hunt that involves teams bombing around cities completing tasks. Do it: urbanassaultride.com

Tough Guy challenge Where: Staffordshire Run eight miles through some of the roughest terrain in Britain. Do it: toughguy.co.uk

Rope swing society

orget Father Christmas. And Formula One safety car driver), spending six Rudolph. At the Mercedes AMG hours a day in a car has never been such a driving academy, just 100km from treat. And it’s easy: just nod lots when the the Arctic Circle, the guests eat instructors talk about “ample transverse reindeer. The lodge – a luxurious compound dynamics” and “optimal learning success”, of leather sofas and open ﬁres – is where then revert to making screeching noises and AMG owners (or prospective owners) come pretending you’re in a getaway the moment to master the ability to drive really fast cars you’re driving solo. on ice. Just because. It’s a bit like going joyriding, but with It’s dawn and the group is standing better scenery. And it doesn’t matter if you on a heavily frozen lake, gawping at the ﬂeet spin uncontrollably off the track, because of 25 glistening Mercedes AMGs there’s nothing to crash into, just shallow (all specially equipped with data recording snow. Mercedes AMG has taken the most Caption to go equipment and spiked tyres). We’re told to exhilarating and satisfying feeling achievable here please “just grab one”. It’s a surreal moment. Do in a car – the perfectly executed power slide they know I’ve got three points on my – and put it on a plate. A beautiful, licence? What if we hit a moose? shimmering, tree-lined Arctic plate. Do it: £3,540 per person for three nights; But, with world-class instruction from the mercedes-amg.com likes of Bernd Mayländer (the current

“I’m not bloody lost!” insisted Dad

Caption to go here please

FHM’s Paul: even smaller than Hammond

Where: Across the UK Join the rope swing forum to ﬁnd Britain’s most secret, and lethal, rope swings. Do it: http://tiny.cc/pkPc3

Surf tailor-made waves Where: New Zealand Nine days’ of heli-surﬁng with wave experts ferry you searching for the cleanest barrels. Do it: blacktomato.co.uk

Cruise with spies Where: Istanbul Operation Istanbul is a 12-day cruise around the Black Sea with exmembers of the CIA, RCMP and KGB. Do it: spytrek.com

The Fast & The Fjordious gave the franchise fresh legs 07/09

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Safari on a Segway

AND ONE CRAP ONE!

If the last 100 were a bit too much like hard work for you…

Urban orienteering Where: Across the UK This combines navigational skills with high levels of ﬁtness as you attempt to ﬁnd markers while bombing around a city. No longer the preserve of scouts. Do it: urbanleague.nopesport.com

Segway dogging: slow

Go ice-diving Where: Les Gets, French Alps Outstanding, Cliffhanger-esque opportunity to dart under iced water, minus the need to aggressively tussle with a megalomaniac’s henchman. Do it: snipurl.com/fhbyb

Dr Livingstone burned away from the natives

estroy your dignity and your Achilles tendons in one afternoon! When I stepped onto the platform of the innocuous looking vehicle, it zoomed off like Stephen Hawking being spooked by a wasp. But soon we were zipping through Pilanesberg National Park at a steady… 12mph. Yep: Segways are so daft, that even a herd of gazelle – the nervous, panicky little girls of the natural world – were completely unthreatened by our sticky-out bums and whirring future vehicles. But that made us think how exposed we were. Surely lions couldn’t outrun a mighty Segway? Do it: segway.co.za

Create a dust storm Where: Sierra Nevada, Spain Not for amateurs – you need off-road biking experience, plus a decent ﬁtness level. But the 3% of us that leaves can cut loose on the dust tracks of Spain’s most picturesque mountain range. Do it: £485; redtread.com

Go to cowboy school Where: Colorado, USA Across the Colorado Cattle Company ranch, there is 1,000 head of cattle that, for £235, you can learn to corral, lasso and then kill and eat. Do it: coloradocattlecompany.com

FHM’s Josh fails his Transformers audition

“Is it cheaper if I bring my own bungee rope?” ALTERNATIVE VIA FERRATA

ALTERNATIVE BUNGEE

Where: Teesside Where: Keswick, Cumbria Forget your African buzzard For £25, clamber along a series swoops: real men jump into the of iron rung hand and footholds River Tees. Pay £60, climb the drilled into the rockface and a 210 steps to the top of the long zip-line between two cliff Middlesbrough transporter faces, while following a Victorian bridge, walk 150ft out into the miners’ route to the summit of danger zone – and then dive Fleetwith Pike, at 2,126ft. 170ft. Do it: honister-slate-mine.co.uk Do it: exelement.co.uk

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ALTERNATIVE SAFARI Where: Dorset Hemingway didn’t hunt here, and the indigenous people aren’t known for their hospitality, but Dorset hosts Britain’s ﬁnest safari: Monkey World. For just £9, shake hands with a woolly monkey and marvel at how ugly a stump-tailed macaque is. Do it: monkeyworld.org

BRITAIN’S LONGEST ZIPLINE

RIDE BRITAIN ON A DIRT BIKE

Where: Aberfoyle, Scotland Award-winning forest adventure where you run across rope bridges like Indiana Jones before shuttling off a 400mlong, 150ft-high zipwire over a 90ft waterfall. Do it: goape.co.uk

Where: Harpenden Join and like-minded petrolheads will design a monster route for you, from easy to poo-panty hard. Expect mud, speed and a face-plant in muddy ravine. Do it: thegreenlanecrew. co.uk

NEIL THOMSON, CORBIS, REX

For the credit-crunched adventurer – ﬁve thrill rides...

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6/17/2009 4:40:26 PM

MOTORCYCLE DIARIES Every turn is a new experience as two friends hit the road and take on the roughest, meanest and the least populated region in the country in their stride. Here is a blow-by-blow day-byday account of a trip of a lifetime... WORDS: GULRAYZ PUNJABI

t was my trip to Ladakh last year that did it. For a Mumbaiite, whose only association with nature is the potted plants in his room, who often mistakes space for the 5x10 sqft balcony in his flat, this was nothing short of paradise. The vast landscape, the shivery mountains, the verdant valleys, the rough roads, the steep climbs and golden sunrises over mountain tops had me at the first sight. I was hooked, line and sinker. And yeh dil wanted more… But this time I wanted to include Himachal Pradesh too in my itinerary. And I wanted to do this trip differently. On bikes, if possible. Of course, my family freaked out hearing my plan. But I was adamant. What’s a family’s fears when you’ve set your sights higher? Right? (Thankfully my mom won’t be reading this). So a 100 hours of research over the net, innumerable hours of watching youtube videos and reading books about Himachal Pradesh and Ladakh, I was set to go with five of my friends. They say all big adventures encounter obstacles. Mine was no different. Four of my friends backed out at the nth hour. But I wasn’t about to abort my plans just because some friends had chickened out. So it was Murtaza and me, who finally embarked on a journey of a lifetime…

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JUNE 4, 2009 The day finally arrives…. Our excitement knows no bound as our flight takes off at 6pm from Mumbai to Delhi. Our connecting train to Chandigarh is at 9.40pm. And it halts at Delhi only for 10 minutes. Tensions mounts. Because we’re not sure we’ll make it to the railway station on time, the arrival and departure of our planes being such. Our prayers are answered when our flight reaches Delhi on time. It’s a touch and go situation. But we make it just in time to catch the train. And soon we are Chandigarh bound. Ho!

JUNE 5, 2009 The 10 hour-drive from Chandigarh to Manali is a combination of not-so-good roads and some terrible trafﬁc jams. The 320km journey is bit of a drag. The driver isn’t much of a talker and that doesn’t help either. The Sutlej river and then the Vyas river are our constant roadside companion for the ﬁnal 150kms till we reach Manali via Kullu Valley. Beautiful rivers and dramatic mountainscapes set the pace and mood for the bike ride to begin the next day.

JUNE 6, 2009 We start early in the morning from Manali. Murtaza hires a Royal Enﬁeld. I’m a tad unlucky as I get conned into hiring an oldbattery less 150cc Pulsar forced on to me by a middleman. In hindsight, of course, I feel I shouldn’t have listened to Murtu’s insistence on taking that bike. But more of that later. After ﬁxing the battery and fueling the bike, we are on our way to Rampur from Manali. The 225 km ride is unexpectedly smooth, warm and surprisingly pleasant. As we cross Banjar, a gradual climb begins. The temperature too dips a bit. And out come our jackets. We head towards the notorious Jalori La pass. The last 15-16 kms ride to Jalori La pass takes its toll on our nerves. The road is laden with gravel and makes riding excruciatingly painful. The fog and the rain don’t help either. But our accent to the top of Jalori La pass at 11000 feet is worth every minute of our painful ride. The descent on the other side is a lot more fun with decent tar roads. We reach Ani by 7pm. We have to reach Rampur, which is still

50 kms away. The sun is fast dipping. Murtaza wonders whether it would be a good idea to ride in the dark. But the roads are in a fairly good condition. So in bright moon light we ride into Rampur at around 8.30pm. Next we have trouble ﬁnding a decent hotel. But a little legwork (or shall I say bikework) yields results. We manage to get an economical hotel, which provides us with hot water too! That’s an absolute bonus. And we crash in. 07/09

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JUNE 7, 2009 We wake up to sunlit small religious town of Rampur on the slopes of two mountains with the Sutlej running in between. It’s impossible to move around on the bike in the town’s narrow lanes. We start out from Rampur at around 10 am. We meet a couple of bikers from Delhi headed for Sangla district. They’ve been riding non-stop all the way from Delhi! We chat for a while and then go our separate ways. We cross a few hydel-projects on the way. No wonder, every remote village in Himachal Pradesh boasts of an electricity connection and a school. Isn’t that amazing? At Tapri we ditch our initial plan to camp at Recong Peo when dhaba owner suggests that we head to Puh. The ride from Recong Peo to Puh is one of the most memorable ones. Every turn gives you a different landscape. We ride through waterfalls, drink water from the ﬂowing streams and halt at

some breathtaking riverside locations…. Ah life is bliss! Puh a small hill station-like town has exactly three guest houses and the main market has about 13 shops. Riding the steep climb towards Puh makes us more tired than it did throughout the day. Probably it’s the anticipation of reaching our destination where we can crash. Whatever it is, we’re tired. Delicious homemade dinner is the perfect ending to a perfect day.

JUNE 8, 2009

The day doesn’t start off too well as we wake up very late. Nonetheless we’re ready to leave by 9 am after a hearty breakfast. We’ve just ridden a few kilometers when my bike clutch gear breaks down. There’s no way we can get it repaired in this small town of Puh. The local mechanic, Rakesh, doesn’t have the spare wire needed to mend the bike. We are 082

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in a ﬁx. Finally, we convince Rakesh to take us to Recong Peo in his Alto. We pay him Rs 1500. We drive to Recong Peo to get the spares parts of the bike. The drive is completely different this time. We can focus on the surroundings rather than the roads but it isn’t as much fun as on the bike. Recong Peo is headquater of the Kinnaur districts and is relatively a large town. After we buy our spares, we decide to drive to Kalpa which is a 13 km drive through some dense forest from Recong Peo. Kalpa is at 9700ft and has this mystical and soothing vibe about it. From here you are rewarded the view of Mt. Kinner Kailash (19884ft) one of the Shiva’s summer abodes. Kalpa is one of the most scenic destinations in the Himalayas and served as a refuge for several British administrators.

After chilling and taking few snaps in Kalpa, we head back to Puh. It’s late in the night and we head back to our guest house only to ﬁnd that there are no rooms available for the night. Because there’d been a landslide and the tourists couldn’t leave Puh. However I convince our the manager and he gives us one of their staff rooms to sleep in. The room is a tiny hole in the wall. But do we care? That’s how tired we are.

JUNE 9, 2009 We skip breakfast and ride for about 20 kms in peace. And our bikes start troubling us again. Luckily, we ﬁnd a mechanic out of nowhere near an army camp. We head towards Kaza into the Spiti Valley which is one of the most remote and sparsely populated regions in our country, cut off from the rest of the world for seven months. It’s a vertiginous ascent with interminable switch backs to the village of Kah, a green oasis amidst the monotonous grey-brown rocky landscape. We pass Nako which is believed to be created when Guru Padmasambhava threw a rock here. His footprints on the rock in the village is still worshipped. The Nako lake looks like an emerald but is in a terrible condition. Pity. We reach the entry point of Spiti valley at Sumdo. We stop at a small village called Hurling for lunch. I chat with the local women who are more than inquisitive to know about me. When I told them I was from Mumbai, they

start singing Mumbai se aaya mera dost... !! From Hurling we ride directly to Tabo Monastery, the Ajanta of the Himalayas. This citadel of Buddhist art houses an incredible beautiful series of wall paintings and frescoes in rich colors. Tabo is one of the oldest functioning gompas in India and considered 2nd only to the Tholing Gompa of Tibet in importance and sanctity. A certain section which is also the oldest section of the monastery was apparently built in one day and still remains to be in the same condition. Surprisingly we notice a helipad here and after inquiring we are told that the Dalai Lama is rumored to ﬁnally settle in here. From Tabo we ride non-stop to Kaza which is a 47 km ride but at a lofty 12000ft. The ride with the beautiful river by your side is divine. It is almost an elementary experience. We reach Kaza at about 6 pm. That night, I experience one of the most beautiful sights ever. I have never seen the sky so starry in my entire life.

JUNE 10, 2009 We decide to leave my broken bike at Kaza and I ride on the pillion on the RE. The 67km ride from Kaza to Lossar village is easily the most spectacular part of the route. At Lossar Village, the Kunzum La pass (15000ft) begins. Kunzum La Pass which separates Lahaul and Spiti districts is one of the most difﬁcult passes until now. This is purely because of the conditions of the roads. Although the ascent and the descent is comfortably gentle, the ride is crazy. The road is a slush of ice, water and mud making it difﬁcult to balance the bike. Kunzum La top is believed to have the footprints of Goddess Parvati. According to legend, cash offerings made by true believers stick to the stone image signifying the god’s acceptance of his devotee. We pass through the mind-blowing, spinechilling descent to Batal which though at 10000ft, is very cold because of the icy winds that lash this area. Batal is little more than a tarpaulined shed for truck drivers with a lone dhaba serving rice, dal and tea, nothing else!

We have tea there and meet an interesting Englishman who is a crazy trekker and avid rock climber. He literally lives with his backpack. He warns us about the road ahead. Little did we know that the next 100 kms would be the toughest and longest 8 hrs of our lives. We ride through waterfalls, ﬂowing streams, huge water puddle; we pass between white walls of snow on either side of the road, sometimes 20 ft high and 100ft long. The whole mass looks unstable, melting at the bottom and making the track a veritable stream of water and slush! Our shoes and socks are completely drenched in ice cold water and our entire body is numb. We are trembling while riding but the roads only get worse. The distance between Batal and Gramphu is the longest distance in my memory although it was just 50km. We experience snow, rain, fog and storm on this journey and never feel safe even once. It takes us 4 hours to reach Gramphu

from Batal. Once again Gramphu is nothing but a couple of Dhaba’s where we stop over for late lunch. Rohtang is very intimidating and the ascent is really frustrating as we’d expected some decent roads after the 6 hrs of grueling ride on the Batal-Gramphu road. Our bodies revolt in the cold, it’s difficult to even speak. But we have no choice but to continue. We manage to get on Rohtang Top and Murtu can’t take it anymore. There’s serious danger of him getting hypothermia. We rush to a tent nearby and request the people there to start a small fire for us. Murtu tries to dry his socks and shoes and I try to control the cold by having a cup of tea. I suggest to my friend that the only way out of this misery is to reach Manali. He’s no mood to venture out in the cold again. But I make him see reason and he agrees reluctantly. The descent is long and scary for the simple reason that we come across more cars on the descent than in the entire four days of our journey and the traffic makes us nervous. We manage to reach Palchan where the roads become a lot better and the temperature lot warmer. We fantasize about a hot water bath on the way. And get just that when we check into wayside hotel in Manali. 07/09

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JUNE 11, 2009 It’s 1.30am in the morning but we have to board a cab to Leh. We get the worse seats in the taxi, the last row. We start at 3 and the driver is doing almost 40-50kmph on Rohtang pass. Our hearts are in our mouth. We cross the pass and the view keeps getting better. We cross Paagal Nala appropriately named, the crazy stream has washed away half the road and we teeter dangerously on the other half! We cross a bridge across Chenab and pull into Keylong for breakfast and reach Darcha from where we begin the ascent to Baralacha La pass, and it looks like God’s own ice cream parlour serving only three ﬂavours - vanilla, chocolate and choco-chip. Crossing Sarchu, we climb Nakki La at 15,700ft and then descend before climbing to Lachilung La at 16,600ft. My friend Murtu, forgets his shoulder bag at one of the tents in Pang and realizes it only half an hour after we leave the place. He has to take a ride back to Pang to fetch the bag. We climb to Tanglang La at - 17,800ft. The second highest motorable road in the world after Khardung La. Ascending and descending four passes of close to 5000 meters in a space of about 100 kms is as crazy as one journey can get. We reach Upshi at 7pm. Here the Indus River appears almost from nowhere and accompanies us till Leh. We reach Leh at 8.30pm. Also we make friends with Samuel,

French guy from Lille and Nath, American traveler from Texas. We decided to hang out together in Leh. Since I’ve been to Leh before I knew exactly where to go once we were dropped at the bus stand in Leh. I check into Asia guest house which has by far the best room I have stayed in so far. After a nice dinner, I sleep like a baby but a little worried about Murtuza who has to stay overnight at Pang.

JUNE 12 & 13, 2009 Murtuza returns from Pang and I sigh with relief. We have a late breakfast cum lunch at my favorite café Jeevan next to our hotel and chill for the rest of the evening with Nath and Samuel. The next day, we hire bikes to go around Leh. We visit Leh Palace, Shey Palace and the famous Thikse Gompa but miss visiting Shanti Stupa as it’s getting dark. We attend a local ladakhi festival where we try our hands at archery whereas Samuel and Murtu do a great job at dancing with the locals in a traditional Ladakhi dance. 084

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JUNE 14, 2009 It’s a bandh across Leh. Why?? We have no idea. Luckily, we find a place which has a backdoor entrance. After a hearty meal, we start our journey towards Khardungla – the world’s highest motorable road. We are heading to Nubra valley for an overnight stay at Hunder. The ride is smooth and after the roads that we’ve travelled on, this seems like heaven. Our journey till South Pullu is like a breeze but the last 10km to the top is tough as the snow melts making the track a veritable stream of water and slush! We reach the top to find loads of tourist trying to park their vehicles creating a jam. The descent is the same story and we are warned by the army to ride slowly as there’s melted ice on the roads. We cautiously manage to descent the pass reaching North Pullu for another security check and chai. We continue our journey towards the Khalsar village 20 kms from North Pullu. We gradually descend from 15000 ft to 10000 ft between North Pullu and Diskit. The best ride of the journey so far. The mountainscape is like a desi version of the Grand Canyon and we can’t take our eyes off the view while riding. We stop at the first sight of the Nubra valley to take some pictures. Here we do some crazy things on the way to Hunder. Like rock climbing on some random hill, dipping our heads into the ice cold water, riding through two small flowing rivers and riding through Ladakh sand dunes. We camp at Hunder, the last point for civilians. We land up cracking jokes, sharing legends, discussing religion and of course women all through the night.

JUNE 15, 2009 We get up rather late the next day and decide to skip breakfast at the guest house as we have to get our bikes repaired at diskit which is 8 kms from Hunder towards Leh. We get our bikes ﬁxed, have breakfast, and buy fuel for the bikes for a whopping Rs 100 per litre from the locals and head towards Khardungla. Nath & Murtaza make snow man and fairy angels on the snow. Then we meet this Gujju family who borrows our bikes to pose for pictures The ride from Khardungla to Leh is a formality. I want it to get over as soon as possible. Ten days of riding has drained me. Fatigue has set in. We reach Leh, return the bikes and rush to our rooms for the muchneeded long hot water bath. We freshen up and meet up for dinner where Samuels two other French friends join us as well. We all order this really huge French Burgers; they are by far the biggest burger I’ve seen in my life. It’s really funny how two of us started this journey and by the end of it we were six interesting fellow travelers. I sit there thinking about the entire journey and realize that I have completed what is arguably the most spectacular journey in India - the most memorable

journey which I will cherish for the rest of my life. It was demanding alright but incredibly rewarding. We hit Leh airport at 6.30am in the morning. Rigorous security checks ensue. We sleep at the airport, then some more sleep on our ﬂight to Delhi, and more at the Delhi airport waiting for our connecting ﬂight to Mumbai. We reach Mumbai at 5pm after a series of delays. It’s like dropping from a Refrigerator to an oven. Like all good things that come to an end, so did this journey. But it will remain an integral part of my memories. Juley!!!

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Sufi Baba At one such tea stall, my digital camera is a big attraction. The half-a-dozen bare-chested truck drivers and the owner of the dhaba loved to see their own pictures instantly! I sat on the charpai and shared tales. As I was having my last cup of chai, I saw an old man, dressed in a long green gown, cycling away on the sun-soaked road in the direction I was going. I said my goodbyes to the truckers as I ﬁnished my tea, mounted my steed and soon overtook his cycle, rode on a bit ahead to a culvert where I stopped and waited for him to arrive. 086

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At first glance, it would be easy to mistake him for a bonethin, weak old man. But as he got closer, it was apparent that his wiry limbs appeared thin only because there was no fat on them. His hard-muscled legs pedalled the cycle, but in the hazy glare of the sun reflecting off the shiny road, he himself seemed to be floating towards me with the ends of his long white beard fluttering in the slight breeze. His head protected by a white turban tied with a bright blue scarf, a black and white chequered cotton shawl around his shoulders, he slowed down when he saw me

waiting for him at the culvert. ‘Salaam Waleykum,’ I greeted him, and he acknowledged with a slight nod. After some initial hesitation, he alighted and put his cycle up on its stand. His bicycle, an older model of the most common design, with its traditional handlebar curved at each end and its old-fashioned rear carrier, said several things about its owner. Spotlessly clean and well lubricated, it had space for a jerry can of water, and on a large rear carrier was a rolled bedding and an old canvas bag. A hammock made of an old gunnysack was ingeniously suspended below

the front bar and this is how he must carry his food without it being squashed. A rear view mirror and an Indian flag shared space on the front handle with a largish notice written on a tin plate, which had information about his trip. Silently he sat next to me on the culvert with only the sound of an occasional truck roaring past to punctuate the silence. No words passed between us for many minutes. There appeared no need for them. His eyes looked far away into the horizon and their gaze was benevolent. He sat motionless for about five minutes. When he finally moved, it was to bring out a packet of bidis, seeing which I was emboldened to bring out my own cigarette pack and light up for both of us. He talked then. Asked me my

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

This is one ride of a life you simply CANNOT afford to miss. Ride through the Himalayas with Dr Harisinghani and Sufi baba (who says his spirit is in Mecca).

per hour all the way to Pali. ‘Kahaan rahenge?’ (Where will you stay?) I asked. ‘Khuda ki is duniya mein, Sone ke liye, do gaz zameen to mil hi jaati hai.’ (On God’s palatial earth, one can always ﬁnd two yards of space to sleep.)

whereabouts. Then I asked him about his. He said he was cycling from Vasai (near Mumbai) to Ajmer and then on to Mecca. ‘Mecca! But that’s in Saudi Arabia!!’ I exclaimed as if he didn’t know that! I realized I was mirroring the amazed reactions my own journey had elicited only two days ago from my sister in Dahanu when I told her how far Ladakh was. I wonder what she would have had to say to this bearded old fakir. ‘Baba,’ I said to him, ‘Kuch kahiyee’ (say something), which is what my mother would say to anyone in whom she sensed a degree of spiritual power. The cinder-dark face with its halo of white hair beamed at me with sparkling eyes, but stayed quiet. My voice tinged with the doubts I couldn’t help feeling, I asked, ‘How long will it take for you to reach Mecca?’ He looked skywards and said he was there already! ‘Sirf badan ko waha le jaana hai, rooh to wahi hain.’ He was merely transporting his body to where his soul already lived. This journey was just a matter of satisfying a detail and whether or not he actually succeeded in getting to Mecca really did not matter. It would be Mecca for him wherever his body breathed its last breath. That day he was planning to cover 100 kilometres at 15 kilometres

He refused to take money from me and only after some Hindi ﬁlmi sounding dialogues ‘Babaji, kuch mera nahi hai… Aatee jaatee maya hai’, (‘Nothing is really mine…Just a passing illusion’), did he accept a small portion of what I gave him. When I asked why he had returned most of the money, he gently inquired if I had time to listen to a story. Sitting on the culvert, I nodded my head. ‘This is a story of a young monk who had lived a cloistered life in a remote monastery where all other initiates were males like him,’ began the old man as he puffed on his bidi. I pulled my legs up to sit cross-legged on the parapet

and felt like a young child being told a story by his grandfather. He smiled and continued: On his eighteenth birthday, his master sent the boy out into the world to spread the teachings of their Grand Master among the common people. He was to survive by begging for his meals in the time-honoured bhikshuk tradition. Descending from the mountain monastery, which was the only abode the young man had known in his life thus far, the sights and sounds of the city streets amaze him. Odd creatures walk around, mixing with the men of the city. Male children he has seen before, but these other creatures who look strange, dress, walk and speak differently, are a mystery to him. Soon he is hungry. As he has been instructed, he holds his begging bowl in his hands and stands near the threshold of a small dwelling. The householder welcomes the young monk in and washes his feet to show respect. He then calls his teenaged daughter who walks

into the room and ﬁlls the monk’s bowl with grain. Enough for that day and the next seven. She joins her hands in a graceful namaste and smiles a respectful greeting. The young man cannot now hold back his questions. He asks the man who the creature is and is told. He points to her breasts and asks what they are. The father of the girl knows about the all-male cloisters of monks who live in the higher regions in absolute seclusion until they become eighteen years old. He is not offended by the innocent questions. He explains the purpose of breasts. In some years, his daughter would be married and milk from her breasts would feed the babies she would bear. The young man stands still in contemplation for a while and then hastily returns all the extra grain that he has taken. He says he will accept food enough for that one day only. And when the householder asks him why he was returning a major portion of the offering, the initiate turns to

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him and answers: ‘My master told me to take enough only for one day. I disobeyed him when I took more than what I would need for today. But I now see my mistake in being concerned about tomorrow. When arrangements are already in place to provide food for a child who will be born many days from today, I am a fool to worry about what I will eat tomorrow.’ Baba ﬁnished his story and his second bidi and got up to leave. Before continuing on his journey though, the venerable man raised both arms heavenwards and said a prayer for my safety. He then pulled up his lungi and got up on his cycle by swinging his leg over the front bar. Travels away. A genuine Suﬁ king, travelling incognito! Oh… Wondrous India! One Life To Ride: A Motorcycle Journey to High Himalayas

Beyond wannabe bravado and foolhardy machismo there is a Shangri-la of selfdiscovery and zest for life. If you ever cruise your way to this place, you are bound to bump into Dr. Ajit Harisinghani, a successful speech therapist from Pune who lives a double life as a rider and the author of One Life To Ride – A Motorcycle Journey to the High Himalayas. What makes Ajit’s travels special is that he rides solo and he is 58. Yes, Ajit is one of the coolest 50-plus gentlemen you’d ever meet. He describes himself as a fairly non-ambitious, an easy going kind of guy, who ﬁnds life a breeze and who enjoys living in India precisely because it is a place of surprises, adventures, thrills and chills! Riding for over three decades now (a couple of years more than I have been around on this planet), Ajit’s affair with bikes started with a Java that he rode in the 70s for commuting in Mumbai. Moving to the USA, Ajit travelled overland across the USA, around the world on the hippie-train in the late 70s. Returning to India, Ajit was inspired by his brother-inlaw and got himself the ultimate cruising machine – a Royal Enﬁeld Bullet.

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Thereafter, Ajit and his wife started travelling initially to Goa and then on extended trips to Bangalore and back on the bike. Over the next ﬁfteen years, Ajit got busy in the banalities of life, as he calls it. That resulted in the setting up of The Speech Foundation, a highly successful speech therapy institution in Pune. But once a rider, always a rider. Having taken care of the security aspect that bugs every human being, Ajit was itching to break out and get a life. And that’s exactly what he did… At the age of 54, Ajit hit the road again. A trial run of sorts to Goa, around 1000 km to-andfrom Pune. The success of the ride encouraged him for a greater goal. While his daughter called him crazy, this maverick started preparing for a solo-ride to the high Himalayas. “It was not to prove anything to anyone. I just wanted to test myself and see if I can do it,” Ajit explains. “The machismo and bravado is ﬁne for 20-something. That’s the age for being stupid. But once you cross 30, you get a different perspective. You are not looking to impress the girls. You are more concerned about your own growth and evolution. I had put in so many years into setting up my practice, I needed this trip

to just feed my sense of adventure… Of course, I had my doubts. Age is a big factor, but then, I have a different perspective on death. That was not the fear. I was scared of whether my body would be able to take the strain. I started working out to build my stamina. Though you are just sitting on a bike, it takes its toll on the mind and you need a lot of energy and reserves to keep on riding. Besides you have to ne physically ﬁt. I was aware of this and I prepared for it.” Throwing caution to the wind and turning a deaf ear to appeals from the family, Ajit took off on a trip of a lifetime. “It was exciting, it was thrilling, sometimes scary, sometimes funny, but at all times testing.” The result was One Life To Ride – A Motorcycle Journey to the High Himalayas…a book that gives a pillionrider view of an adventure of a lifetime, not just on the road, but through the mind of this cool-dude biker. Peppered with earthy anecdotes and deep insights that only maturity can lend, this is a rooted, quirky and inspiring jewel of Indian travel writing from the heart and without any literary pretences. As Ajit puts it, “An obsession with ‘security’ is the hallmark of an insecure mind.” This book nudges you to stop making excuses about life and go out and live it…

The travelling yogi The Backpacker Co. CEO Yogi Shah shares his experiences we were staying. She was the owner of this cottage and had come to pick us up. We reached the place and it was spectacularly beautiful. We decided to spend the night at the cottage after a hearty home-cooked meal. The next day we woke up early morning. The sun was shining outside but there was no one around. We searched the entire house. Since we had to leave, we stepped out of the house, searching for anyone who we might say our goodbyes to. No one was in sight. So, we went around the house, and ended up in the backyard of the cottage. Here, a tent was set up.

The Backpacker Co. is one of the most recognised alternate travel planning outfit in the country. At the helm of this initiative are Suchna and Yogi Shah. And like all victims of travel-bug, Yogi is brimming with anecdotes and tales from his travels. I ask him the most interesting experience. Most interesting experience Like all victims of travel-bug, Yogi is brimming with anecdotes and tales from his travels. I ask him the most interesting experience. “Suchna and I were travelling in Eastern Europe. As luck would have it, we happened to be in a Polish city on a Sunday. Now this city was completely shut on a Sunday and there was nothing to do. So we asked around and one of the locals suggested a quaint cottage in a village on the outskirts of town where we could experience the rustic way of life. We said, why not?! The next thing we know, an old woman was at the door of the place where

Curious, we walked up to the tent. And there, people were sitting and guess what they were doing? They were conducting a Satsang! A proper Indian Satsang! In the middle of Eastern Europe!! We were surprised. That was one of the weirdest travel experience I can ever remember.”

My most stupidest mistake “Oh, people keep losing their passport, missing their flights... I have been through it all. But the stupidest was in Italy. I was in Rome. And at one of the destinations, I guess it was the Pantheon, all visitors were directed to walk in a particular direction that led to the Pantheon... Well, I had just started my backpacking adventures. And I was on a high. I was not going to follow the herd! I was a free bird. So, while everyone walked in one direction, I decided that I will find my own way by going the other way. I was confident that I would end up unearthing new treasures hidden from general tourists. Well, after a while I reached this lane and a couple of hoodlums emerged from the shadow, held me at knife point and emptied my wallet and bag. Fortunately, they took mercy and spared my passport and cards. Well, that was easily the most memorable stupidest experience. I’ve had among many others of course.” Enriched with loads of experiences, Suchna and Yogi are now embarking on a new adventure - the The Backpacker Co. called Travels with Suchna and Yogi, where the couple will travel with the travellers instead of just guiding them from far. “But we are not going to be the matrons! We are not going to entertain complaints like my room does not have hot water or where is my breakfast. We will escort our travellers to a particular destination. There we will point out all the best things the place has to offer. Everyone is free to spend the day as he or she pleases.” Freedom, passion, travel... hardly words that make good business sense. But Suchna and Yogi are proving that the best way to live it up is to do your own thing. 07/09

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With no injuries though, touch wood. So now it is speed with good control and a lot of experience behind me. What has been the most dangerous event in your rides? I have ridden more than a lakh kms all over India in the last nine years. Dangerous events have been seeing friends crash and rushing them to the hospital. I have had some falls but nothing serious. What was the most enlightening moment that revealed your true self to you? The day I joined ROADSHAKERS and became a part of this family. I met this

nterior designer Manish Kothari from Pune is a 29 year-old road-trip junkie. He joined Pune’s RE Bullet Club ROADSHAKERS in 2001 and has been an active member. Manish has travelled to Ladakh, Rajasthan, Madhya Pardesh, Chennai, Ooty, Goa, Punjab, Hyderabad, Jammu and Kashmir and many more across India on his trusted 500cc Citibike RE Bullet for the past 8 years. Last year, he acquired a 500cc RE Bullet Machismo. Here, Manish shares his philosophy of life on the road and recounts some of his experiences... What does a ride mean to you? Riding means road adventure to me. Exploring different destinations, nature, different customs, religions and habitat. Riding with like minded people, sharing the same mode of adventure, specially a (Royal Enﬁeld) Bullet. Hitting roads gives a different kick than the routine mundane work that we do everyday. Your most memorable ride? There are too many to mention. But top of my head, I would say, my 2002 Ladakh trip. It was 21 days on the bike all the way from Pune to Manali, Ladakh, Manali and back. I covered 6500kms in three weeks. Equally exciting was my 2006 Ladakh trip. I was on the roads for 23 days. Instead of coming back to Manali from Leh, we completed the Srinagar circuit and added Rajasthan along the way covering 7000kms. How has your riding experience changed you as a person? I was a very reserved, shy person. Exposure to the biking community, meeting bikers from all over India and from different parts of the world has brought in a lot of conﬁdence in me. Being a part of ROADSHAKERS for the 090

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Easy rider Rider Manish Kothari shares his riding experiences with FHM last nine years has seen a change in me. I became very active since I joined this club. It was a responsibility I took up and I have executed a lot of tasks since then. I have evolved quite a bit from the quiet, shy boy I used to be. Riding has definitely improved my gut feel as well. It has also made me more responsible on the road with traffic rules and people around. What are the three mistakes that you’ve made on your rides? My first ride with the club to Rajmachi in 2001. I rode with the ROADSHAKERS without a helmet and wore a bandana to show off. As I have numbered glasses, for the ride I wore lenses with no case to remove them on the overnite ride. The complete patch from Lonavala to Rajmachi is a dirt patch where the ROADSHAKERS ripped up to the peak leaving a lot of red mud in the air which stuck to my lenses and I had a tough time in the night when I had to remove my lenses to sleep. As a fresher I took instructions from riders who have been to Ladakh before lightly. I used to think how cold could Ladakh be? As cold as Mahableshwar? Well, I landed up there without any warm clothing in sneakers and jeans. I was forced to purchase woolens in Manali. During the initial days of excitement, speed thrilled me. I have even crashed into the ghat boundary wall just before Mahableshwar and broken my clutch case.

amazing person, Sachin Chavan (last year he was one of the runner-ups in the Raid the Himalaya). My road trip to Ladakh with Sachin saw a lot change in me, my riding style and my over all confidence. He is the one of the founders of ROADSHAKERS with a lot of riding experience and knowledge. I rode a lot with him. He is some one I look up to and he is the reason for being the person I am today. His riding gyaan, riding style, club concept, taking people together and riding as a group and more. I grow on what ever he does. What are the five essentials you carry with you on a ride? Bike documents, PUC, insurance receipt and license. Complete riding gear from armored jacket, pants, gloves, riding shoes, helmet. ABC accelerator, break, clutch cables, tools, spares and a GPS system. Why would you recommend the riding experience to young men out there? It gets you close to nature and it puts you very close to this term called explore. Riding keeps a lot of options open and you can go wherever you want to, whenever you want to. You definitely become more confident and are willing to take on everything. Unlike traveling by train or plane, riding gives you an option to stop where you want to, get into any place you want to. You don’t have to wait for reservations, all you need is a tank-full of petrol. FHM

Between the lines

wander Let the wanderer in you locate itsof these thirst among the pages of some g. cult- classic books on road trippin Investment Biker Jim Rogers Legendary investor Jim Rogers gives us his view of the world on a twenty-twomonth, ﬁfty-two-country motorcycle odyssey in his bestselling business/ adventure book. Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance Robert M Pirsig A cult classic, ZMM is a meditation on humanity caught between cold rationality and intuitive imagination. Through his central character’s crosscountry motorcycle ride with his son, Pirsig takes us on a ride through the high country of the mind... A delectable philosophical read.

The Mammoth Book of Bikers Arthur Veno (Editor) Arthur Veno compiles the ultimate collection of original biker writing including insider accounts. Gangs featured include the Bandidos, Hells Angels, Henchmen MC, and the Vagos among others. Also included are rare accounts by outsiders like Hunter S. Thompson, William Queen, the undercover agent who inﬁltrated America’s violent outlaw motorcycle gang the Mongols; and Daniel R. Wolf’s account of riding with Rebels.ith the Re Hell’s Angels Hunter S Thomson The book marks the initial days of Thomson’s Gonzo journalism. An outsider’s peek into the notorious biker gang, Thomson’s writing is as gritty and as intimate as it comes.

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

On The Road Jack Kerouac The defining novel of the Beat movement, Kerouac’s ‘fictionalised autobiographical’ On The Road is a cross-country journey that captures the true spirit of bohemian times and has influenced many a wandering hearts and minds. It’s has also hugely influenced American art and literature ever since.

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bug and d a o r e th n so Classic film ood makes of it w what holly ttle bites! when that li WORDS:

TUSHAR

A AMIN

Easy Rider Director: Dennis Hopper Cast: Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper Off the blurb: Two hippie bikers set out to discover the real America and wind up taking the ultimate bad trip. Our take: A cult phenomenon, this one is a true-blue classic. Awesome soundtrack, deep (and doped out) content and an absolute delight; the way classics are supposed to be. Don’t just watch this one for the heck of it. Own the damn thing cause it is absolutely for keeps!

Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man Director: Simon Wincer Cast: Mickey Rourke, Don Johnson, Vanessa L Williams Off the blurb: “Hotly staged bike chases” (Variety), state-of-the-art weaponry and “excellent explosions” (Hollywood Drama-Logue) form a deadly combination in this “lively” (Los Angeles Times) action ﬁlm about a couple of modern-day, motorcycleridin’ Robin Hoods. Starring Mickey Rourke (Get Carter), Don Johnson (Tin Cup) and Vanessa L. Williams (Shaft), Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man contains thrills and excitement that never let up with 092

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surprise twists at every turn! In the lawless world of the future, drifters Harley Davidson (Rourke) and The Marlboro Man (Johnson) help an old friend save his bar by robbing the very bank trying to takeover his property. But this is no ordinary bank and the armored car they roll is ﬁlled not with money but drugs! Now Harley and Marlboro become the objects of a ruthless manhunt by the corrupt bank chief’s deadly and unstoppable henchmen. Our take: Absolute American kitsch. This ﬁlm wears its bad taste, its tackiness, its crude machismo and utter stupidity with pride. Roll up and hitch on.

The Wild One Director: Laslo Benedek Cast: Marlon Brando, Mary Murphy Off the blurb: Brando burns up the screen in this ‘50s classic as a moody, supercool biker leader whose gang torments and terrorizes a small town. Our take: This was the ﬁnal word in cool till The Godfather came along. The ultimate cool-dude ever, in the coolest avatar. Watch and learn...

Raising Arizona Director: Joel and Ethan Coen Cast: Nicholas Cage, Holly Hunter Off the blurb: Vowing to go straight, a convenience store bandit (Nicolas Cage) proposes marriage to the police department photographer (Holly Hunter). All is wedded bliss until they discover she’s unable to get pregnant and are turned down by every adoption agency in town. It does not take long before they realize the only solution is to kidnap one of the town’s celebrated quintuplets and hit the road! Our take: This one’s to watch with your girl. An oddball comedy with a heart from the masters of the genre – The Coen brothers.

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Birds of a feather RIDERS’ CLUBS FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY Itching to kick start that hog of yours and take off on a wing and a prayer? Here are some clubs with a legacy that organise bike tours whenever whim dictates. The best way to get involved is to become a member of the online community and jump in at the mention of a ride. While a Royal Enﬁeld Bullet is the ride of choice for most riders’ clubs, some are generous enough to allow other bikes to participate in the periodic rides subject to thorough scrutiny of the biker and the bike...

60KPH: ALL INDIA BULLET CLUB http://www.60kph.com

EASTERN BULLS: CALCUTTA BULLET CLUB

3000 Miles To Graceland Director: Demian Lichtenstein Cast: Paul Anka, David Arquette, J. Winston Carroll, Thomas Haden Church, Kevin Costner Off the blurb: Elvis has left the building, with $3.2 billion in stolen Jack. Participants in a Las Vegas International Elvis Week pull off a daring casino heist, then must confront their worst enemy: each other. Our take: A nasty nasty movie. This one’s for die-hard fans of chromium plated vintage cars, bikes and of course, Elvis.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/easternbulls

INDDIE THUMPERS: MUMBAI BULLET CLUB http://www.inddiethumpers.com

MADRAS BULLS: CHENNAI BULLET CLUB http://groups.yahoo.com/group/madrasbulls

ROAD SHAKERS: PUNE BULLET CLUB http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Roadshakers http://www.roadshakers.com/

ROAD SURVIVORS: CHANDIGARH BULLET CLUB http://www.roadsurvivorschd.com

ROYAL BEASTS: DELHI BULLET CLUB http://groups.yahoo.com/group/royalbeasts

THE WANDERERS: HYDERABAD BULLET CLUB http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Wanderers-Hyderabad

ROYAL BENGAL CRUISERS http://www.rbcruisers.com/

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The Motorcycle Diaries Director: Walter Salles Cast: Gael Garcia Bernal, Rodrigo de la Serna, Mia Maestro Off the blurb: An inspirational adventure based on the true story of two young men whose thrilling and dangerous road trip across Latin America becomes a life-changing journey of self-discovery. Our take: This is Che before he became Che... An inspiring story of two free-wheeling friends who end up ﬁnding themselves on a road trip.

THE CHECK LIST Dress for the crash, not for the ride. That’s the mantra when it comes to long cruising trips. So, if you are planning that road trip, here are the essential must haves and how to go about selecting them...

JACKETS It’s not just about looking cool, as we have been stressing on and on... The point of the matter is protection – from the elements, from the raving lunatic road-devils and from the possibility of being caught unprepared. The same applies for jackets and here are some things to consider before making your choice...

Pad up

Thick skin

If you would be heading for High Himalayas, also ensure that the leather jacket has thermal liner that can be removed for the plains. You don’t want to wear three jackets when one would sufﬁce.

Stick to leather. It is “cool”, of course. But that’s not the reason we are recommending it. Leather, if thick enough, is a great shield against scraping and abrasion, the most common form of bike injuries. Just ensure that the leather on your jacket is more than 1.2 mm thick and you are free to skid around... Balmy weather

For rides during Indian summers, it is advisable to pick leather jackets with vents.

Ensure that the leather jacket you are picking has removable pads for added security in the back, chest and shoulders. Remember, its not about the looks but about protection. Cold facts

Wrist and waist

Experienced riders would agree that despite all protection from wind, it has a tendency to sneak up your wrists and waist and hit your chest. A jacket with adjustable waist and wrist facility makes the ride that much more comfortable.

RIDING BOOTS Agreed, you won’t be walking much (except when you would be dragging and pushing that bike through ankle deep sludge and barren slippery climbs when the engine dies on you). But that doesn’t mean you can ride out in your bathroom slippers. Boots are not just for walking... they are also part of your protective gear. So, add riding boots to your list of priorities. Follow these pointers to pick up a pair of boots that protect, are comfortable and make you feel like a rider bottom up...

Long, short and the middle path

Ditch the knee high boots since there won’t be a drag party where you are headed. That leaves you with two choices, ankle high boots and short boots. Go for the ankle high pair which go over the ankle and are reinforced. These protect you from the exhaust heat and are comfortable off the bike as well. Short boots are more comfortable off the bike but do not offer as much protection from exhaust heat. If you plan to hike as well, then go for these. Stay off the racing shoes as they provide neither protection nor ankle support reinforcement. The purpose

Your riding boots should provide adequate ankle protection, and should be preferably reinforced. This comes in handy when your set of wheels starts to sway off the path. To shifter or not to...

Not necessary but boots with shifter pads are more comfortable and last longer. Only for those with extra moolah, we say. Heeling touch

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quality and have been reinforced. This will add stability and grip in bad weather or when driving over oil spills so common on open roads. Mind over matter

Stick to leather boots and opt for boots with ventilation as you are going to spend a lot of time in these shoes and your feet are gonna need all the help you can offer. Armoured protection

Impact areas need added protection in the form of armour. This comes in the form of Kevlar inserts around ankle, heel and calf. Protection is the ﬁrst and only concern when it comes to boots, so get as much as you can afford. Tripping over

When it comes to choosing between Velcro, zipper, straps or laces, go for your kink, but remember that the best boots will ensure that the loose material stays away from moving parts of the bike. Wet, wet, wet...

You don’t want to walk around with soggy feet. So, choose water resistant boots that will keep your feet dry and your mood pepped.

HELMETS

TRIP CHECKLIST Things to carry on a trip...

You may like the wind in your face, but when on the road, it is better to keep your head and take all protective measures to ensure a safe trip. And no matter how good a rider you are, or how thick-skulled you are, when pitted against sleep-deprived, doped-out truck and trailer drivers, you would be stupid not to get the best helmet possible. Here is how to make the right choice when it comes to head-gear...

be able to remove the helmet without removing the strap.

Type casting

Venting it

No matter how uncool a full-face helmet looks or how Hollywood stars ride their hogs in cool open-face helmets, the only type of helmet that offers complete protection is the full-face one. If you think you won’t look cool, well consider how uncool a smashed up skull would look on you. ‘Nuff said...

While security is the prime concern, comfort is the next priority. So, choose a helmet with vents that allow your head to breathe and air to escape from inside instead of becoming your personal gas chamber.

Certiﬁed basket

If your helmet is all bling and uber-cool, but it does not have ISI certiﬁcation, well, you have bought a cofﬁn not a helmet. Fit right in

The best helmet for you is the helmet that is most comfortable and snug ﬁt. Every one’s head has a different shape. So, try as many helmets as you can. Selecting a helmet ﬁt is like selecting a shoe. Even a slight discomfort will render the helmet useless on the road. There should be no pressure or stress on any part of the head when you wear it. It should be snug. And when you move the helmet, your skin should move with it. Strap jockey

A good helmet should have a strong strap with a secure locking mechanism. You should not

FOR THE BIKE

Sound advice

It is advisable to have your friends speak to you in the shop when you wear the helmet to check the basic acoustic qualities. If possible, test ride to see the wind noise and trafﬁc noise reduction factors. You need to be able to hear the ambient sounds while wearing the helmet. Colour me bad

While black may look like a cool colour, it becomes invisible in the night when you are riding on the road. Bright colours offer higher visibility but if you have to have a dark helmet, make sure you put reﬂective tape on the back and front of your helmet. Tooth byte

For the techno-junkies, helmets with bluetooth attachments and internal sun visors are added frills that can burn a hole in your pocket. But honestly, who wants to be in the loop when the whole point is to get off the grid, right?!

TRIP CHECKLIST Things to carry on a trip...

FOR THE FIRST AID KIT Antiseptic Cream - Neosporin/ Soframycin Gauze - Sterile Pads Dettol Band Aids Cotton Wool Crocin (Fever, colds etc) Brufen (Anti Inﬂammatory) Moov (Sprains etc) Biquinol (Upset Stomach) Perinorm (Anti Vommiting) Autan or Odomos (Mosquito Repellent) Eno (Acidity)

Small Scissors Safety Pins Tweezers Avomine (Travel Sickness) Caladryl (Mosquito bites or Skin Rashes) Thermometer Benadryl (Cough Syrup) Puroﬁl Drops (Water PuriﬁcationAvailable at any Chemist- Rs.20/-)

Extra Tool Kit Bungee Cords 3 (To tie luggage to the bike) Jerry Can 1 Cello / Electrician Tape Spare Oil for Bike Tank Bag Cable Lock for Luggage + Wheel Helmet Duplicate Bike Keys (Keep Separately) Bike Papers (Registration, PUC & Insurance) [Xerox + Original - Keep Separately] Valid Driving Licence Spares (Condensor Point, Spark Plug, Clutch/ Accelarator Cable, Headlight Bulbs, etc.)

FOR THE RIDER Flashlight Waist pouch (Handy for change, small and misc items) Camera + Charger Swiss knife A book to read Gloves / Monkey Cap Rechargeable batteries + charger MP3 player Towel and napkin Slippers and sandals Pen, Notepad Sweaters / Jackets Tshirts A spare pair of jeans Two pairs of socks Toothpaste, Toothbrush Hair Brush Medicines First Aid Kit Soap Strips (keep in wallet) Deodrants Cigarettes + Lighter Sunglasses + Night Riding Glasses (White/Plain) Hotel Numbers Maps Water Bottles (Keep Close not in Luggage)+ Snacks Track Pants Toilet Paper Roll Paper Napkins Plastic Bags (Believe me, you’ll need them) Binoculars Thermo Long Johns Sleeping Bag Tent & Camping Gear Your Visiting Cards

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Lose half a stone in

a week

Off on holiday next week? Look like Deven Bhojani in swimming trunks? Don’t panic. FHM’s teamed up with health expert Graeme Hilditch to find out how to dump the funky junk…

No girl would want to dangle off the arm of a fat bloke. Fitness expert Richard Callendar’s six-week apocalypse, helps you get a fitter bod. Here’s an easy rundown of how to get it!

Cut out unwanted calories “This includes anything remotely sugary; all alcohol; bad fats and any form of reﬁned carbs. Contrary to its healthy connotations – all fruit,” says Hilditch. Why? The high fructose content sends your blood sugar levels through the roof and makes it harder to take that gorge off. Veggies, although a form of carbohydrate, can be eaten, though try not to go too mental. “Remember,” says Hilditch, “you’ve got to lose a pound of fat per day – most marathon runners manage to burn half a pound of weight after running 26.2 miles.”

Take L-Carnitine Ignore the scary-sounding name. “This is an amino acid in pill form available from health shops like GNC (GNC.com) that makes the cells in your body even more energy efﬁcient. So when your body’s trying to burn fat, these pills speed up that process.” Take one pill per day – or two if you’re crazy-fat – and bask in the knowledge that it’ll deﬁnitely have a powerful effect.

Train three times per day “Do an hour of cardio in the morning, train your abdominal muscles for 30 minutes at lunch time, do the training regime outlined in point 6 for an hour.” Repeat daily for seven days. Don’t ever lose focus. if you can take the week off and focus exclusively on training to lose that fat, so much the better.

Buy a heart rate monitor

To rid the fat, your heart should be pumping at 90% of its max capacity. “To work out the highest your heart will go in beats per minute,” adds Hilditch, “take 220 (the no of beats the average baby has when born) and deduct your age. That figure will be your maximum heart rate.” So if you’re 20, you’re going 100% full pelt down a track with a heart rate monitor and strap around your chest will see the monitor read 200. A warm-up for that person is 70% of that 200 figure (so that’s 140 beats per minute), while the 90% effort you’re meant to be putting in to shift blubber at an astounding rate is 180bpm. Remember: this is for a 20year-old. All you need do is ‘do the math’ accordingly. And then bust your ass.

Swallow cromium picolinate Ask for these at the health shop. “This dose ﬂattens out your blood sugar levels, so whenever you get to the afternoon and should be ravenous, you aren’t,” says Hilditch.

UPGRADE

WORKOUT

Change your usual training routine completely “If you usually do the running machine,” says Hilditch, “hit the rower instead. Go full-on for 20 minutes. Do 8 sets of 15 reps with a heavy weight on a chest exercise, then swap and train your back for the same amount of sets and reps.” Hit another exercise machine for 20 minutes. Do alternating ‘superset’ between biceps and triceps.

And if you’re desperate… If the fat is still around, spend the final two days eating 0 carbs. Your body holds a certain level of carbs and not eating them for 48 hours will see your natural reserve deplete, making it harder for your body to hold water. But for that first hour you step on the beach you’ll be absolutely ripped. And possibly ill. You thin, handsome cadaver, you! Graeme Hilditch’s book From Flab To Fab is out now; see fitfaqs.co.uk

Kill your calories!

Want to know which sport burns the most body batter per hour? You’re in luck

MARTIAL ARTS – 896 Caloriﬁc equivalent: Two full-fat blueberry mufﬁns

FOOTBALL – 903

PLAYING POOL – 224

Caloriﬁc equivalent: Five packets of Walkers salt and vinegar crisps

Caloriﬁc equivalent: Pint of lager or a large Coke

BOXING – 1,075 Caloriﬁc equivalent: 13 small glasses of red wine

GOLF – 403 Caloriﬁc equivalent: Two large blobs of Häagen-Dazs

RUGBY – 894 Caloriﬁc equivalent: Three McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundaes

CRICKET – 515

BADMINGTON – 690 Caloriﬁc equivalent: A Big Mac and small fries or three Snickers

SQUASH – 1,075 Caloriﬁc equivalent: Five jam donuts or 24 Jaffa cakes

Caloriﬁc equivalent: Two grande cafe lattes from Starbucks

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e m i t t s r i f a s ’ e r e . . . Th g n i h t y r e v e r o f

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while I was asleep and I starved for many hot hours). We got to the bus and it was a freaking double-decker-semi-sleeper, and cramped! There were one million people ﬁghting to get in. But I’m from Mumbai. I’ve done local trains, so this was child’s play. Anyway, we got on the bus and while we were stuffed in our seats, we realised that there were all these really, really crazy people around us.

Diary 2 Category: Miscellaneous I have never...Travelled with a circus troupe Going Places: Juhi Pande, veejay and model. This model and veejay peeks into that pocket in her head where she puts away interesting people she meets while travelling. There are many reasons why I like travelling as much as I do. But the one that pops up and grabs my nose are the people I may or may not meet en route. On every trip - work or otherwise - I run into people, who have been tattooed like memories in my head. Read on about some travel fun in Koh Samui and Spain.

That ‘Circus Guy’ In 2006 I decided, it was time I travelled somewhere with my brother Dhruv. So with very little money but a whole lot of excitement, Dhruv and I took off to Thailand. We were in Bangkok for a few days and then we decided to take off to one of the islands. Koh Samui seemed easy to pronounce and so Koh Samui it was. Just that there were no train tickets available and we were broke so there was no question of airtravel. So we decided to take a bus till the edge of Thailand and then take a boat to the island. Getting around Fun, right? WRONG. We get to the bus station and I grabbed some food (which Dhruv ate

Buggered! Satya and some of her friends were all from England and were part of a circus troupe! So I struck up a conversation with them. Fascinating! Someone was a trapeze artist, the other a juggler, and then there was Satya’s brother, who was sitting right in front of me. I forget his name, but he was a circus clown. And he was seriously funny. But the reason I remember him so well is because when the bus started, this guy turned around with a bottle and some pills in his hands, and yelled to the entire bus, “Whoever doesn’t have whiskey or valium, you’re buggered.” We proceeded to have the best journey. He was incoherent 20 minutes into the drive, while the rest of us, well let’s just say Dhruv and I almost decided not to be family after the bus ride. Almost. So I haven’t tried whiskey and valium together, yet. But if I do take that bus ride in Thailand again, there’s no way I’m going to get buggered!

sleep in a loft above the lockers). There was Sangria in a bucket (big bucket!), everyone was super fun, happy, friendly and had a million stories to tell. So after dinner and ﬁnding a cozy spot in the loft, I remember sitting on one of the steps in the garden with some people, and there was this guy with red hair and glasses with a very heavy Scottish accent. Over the course of the evening, Dougie Graham and I started having a very heavy discussion about India, and realised that we could really talk. A puppet on crack So the next day I remember hanging out with Dougie a little more and that’s when I met Pedro. Pedro was his hand puppet. I don’t know whether Pedro was a lion or a red mouse, but whatever he was, he came everywhere with Dougie, who insisted that Pedro was on crack and that to support his crack habit, he had taken to exotic dancing. Pedro was always there — in every picture. Even if Dougie wasn’t. Why do I remember Dougie so well? It is because of his hair and the fact that he and I spoke about everything from igloos to alhambra to travel to food and because some people have a crazy energy that you can never shake off. And Dougie Graham happens to be one of those people. If you don’t get the point of this story, don’t worry about it. There really is none. FHM

Meet Dougie Graham I was travelling around Spain a couple of years ago, and landed up in a place called Granada (which I never wanted to leave). I walked into a guest house called Makuto, which I think should be made into a blueprint of how things should be in a guest house. It was that perfect! (it’s another story that I had to 07/09

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TRIBUTE

Passion for life A tribute to writer, poet and feminist Dr. Kamala Das

breakdowns and suicidal broodings in her youth to her husband’s homosexual inclinations to the passive sexual aggression that formed a subtext to her life. Her writings are a reflection of her liberal thinking and her strong character. Her rebellious streak often came under fire from conservative society as she refused to conform to societal demands. She had converted to Islam in the last few years of her life and taken the name of Dr. Kamala Suraiyya. As a tribute to this fiery, feisty and fantastically talented woman ahead of her times, we reproduce a couple of her compositions to be published as a part of Harper Collins’ upcoming book titled Leela – An Erotic Play of Verse and Art, edited by Alka Pande.

The Looking Glass Getting a man to love you is easy Only be honest about your wants as Woman. Stand nude before the glass with him So that he sees himself the stronger one And believes it so, and you so much more Softer, younger, lovelier... Admit your Admiration. Notice the perfection Of his limbs, his eyes reddening under Shower, the shy walk across the bathroom floor, Dropping towels, and the jerky way he Urinates. All the fond details that make Him male and your only man. Gift him all Gift him what makes you woman, the scent of Long hair, the musk of sweat between the breasts, The warm shock of menstrual blood, and all your Endless female hungers. Oh yes, getting A man to love is easy, but living Without him afterward may have to be Faced. A living without life when you move Around, meeting strangers, with your eyes that Gave up their search, with ears that hear only His last voice calling out your name and your Body which once under his touch had gleamed Like burnished brass, now drab and destitute.

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Leela – An Erotic Play of Verse and Art is a collection of Indian poetry from ancient to contemporary times, complemented by some extremely refreshing and original photographs, graphics and paintings. This is celebration of sensuality and desire in the Indian cultural landscape, where eros is a part of everyday life. Edited by Alka Pande (Harper Collins / Rs. 995.00)

The Stone Age Fond husband, ancient settler in the mind, Old fat spider, weaving webs of bewilderment, Be kind. You turn me into a bird of stone, a granite Dove, you build round me a shabby drawing room, And stroke my pitted face absent-mindedly while You read. With loud talk you bruise my pre-morning sleep, You stick a finger into my dreaming eye. And Yet, on daydreams, strong men cast their shadows, they sink Like white suns in the swell of my Dravidian blood, Secretly flow the drains beneath sacred cities. When you leave, I drive my blue battered car Along the bluer sea. I run up the forty Noisy steps to knock another’s door. Through peep-holes, the neighbours watch, they watch me come And go like rain. Ask me, everybody, ask me What he sees in me, ask me why he is called a lion, A libertine, ask me the flavour of his Mouth, ask me why his hand sways like a hooded snake Before it clasps my pubis. Ask me why like A great tree, felled, he slumps against my breasts, And sleeps. Ask me why life is short and love is Shorter still, ask me what is bliss and what its price...

WORDS: TUSHAR A AMIN

Dr. Kamala Das (Madhavikutty), the most influential feminist writers and poets of our times passed away on the 31st May 2009 in Pune after a prolonged illness. Kamala Das emerged as one of the boldest, most provocative, forthright and outspoken creative individuals in the country. Her poetry (written in English) and her prose (written under the pen name Madhavikutty in Malayalam) earned her critical and popular acclaim from across the world. Her memoirs Ente Katha (My Story) catapulted her to literary stardom. In this, her alleged unofficial autobiography, Kamala Das gave a candid overview of her personal journey from her unfulfilled marriage to a much older man when she was just 15 to the

Angels Hickey

Miss

07.09

Miss

What makes women tick

Is she a racist? Does she only like me because I’m black?

Q+A

I’m a 19-year-old black guy and there’s this girl that I like.The other day she mentioned that she only goes out with black blokes (she’s white). I don’t know if I’m being over-sensitive, but I feel a bit weird about it – like she’s going to expect me to behave in a particular way, or isn’t going out with me because of who I actually am. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this, but I couldn’t ever imagine saying the same thing about a girl and to a girl… is she being weird? Anon, Notts

Angel Eleanor: People often have a type. I generally prefer men with darker complexions, but to restrict yourself to a particular ethnic group is quite ignorant. I think you’re right to feel uncomfortable as I’m sure she would if you said you only go out with girls with a D-cup or above. You say you like her, so why don’t you ask why she said it. It might give you a bit more insight into her attitudes. Angel Jen: Yeah, I’d be put off by this too. It makes it sound like she only likes you because you’re black, rather than being attracted to your personality, intellect, etc. Ask her directly, and say it makes you feel uneasy and unsure about what she sees in you. Put her on the spot. 07/09

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I think I’m addicted to porn. I’ve started working from home and I cannot stop wanking. I’ve even thought about putting child filters on my internet. Obviously things are a bit odd with my girlfriend, who wonders why I’m always so listless and knackered. How do I get help without being shamed? HELP DT, via e-mail WANKE R

Angel Steph: At home, alone all day, the temptation is all too great. But don’t be too hard on yourself, the novelty should soon wear off. You could try days of non-stop porn, really overload until you’ve seen so many ‘dirty sluts and big cocks’ your little man gets sore. Porn addiction can be the result of boredom. Spice up your own sex life, act out some of the scenes you so love to watch. Or get a new job. Failing that, relate.org or porngameover.com can also help. All the best! Angel Jen: There’s no such thing as a guy being addicted to porn, it’s natural. But if you’re too tired to want sex with your girlfriend, that’s serious. Work out why you’re doing it. Do you prefer fantasising about other girls to having real sex with your girlfriend? Or can you simply not resist? There may be an underlying problem with your relationship.

If I buy an expensive watch, will I get more fanny? I do okay at the moment, I’m not one of those fat rich foreign kids who tries crap like that all the time. SB, Portishead WAT C H

Angel Eleanor: Your attitude is why you might not be getting enough at the moment. If you buy yourself an expensive 104

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IT CREDNCH MU

watch you would still come across as a tosser. The kind of girls who go for men dripping in designer gear don’t stay around for long. A decent girl would be put off by an idiot who ﬂashes his money. If all you want is “fanny”, and you’re not bothered about the quality, I say go for the Rolex. Angel Anna: You really know how to make a girl feel special! With chat like that, you need help. If you’re looking to attract women, take your watch fund to Paul Smith and invest in a sharp suit and shoes, which should leave you some change to keep the champagne ﬂowing. Either that, or head down to your knocking shop, which cuts out all that tiresome chat beforehand. And at least you won’t get mugged.

Are women demanding less fancy meals out, taxis, etc, now there’s a recession? Can I legitimately scale back on the dating front, or will I be viewed as a terminal cheapskate? Yozzer, The North

Angel Anna: Navigating your way through tough times is about being creative. Now you can’t just go to an expensive restaurant, you have to impress her in other ways. Do your research and find an interesting place – a recent opening, for example, or somewhere that serves unusual food – and book the best table. Don’t assume that high-end and expensive is what every girl wants. Give me a date at a cosy local bistro over starchy fine dining any day. One thing: using a special offer will mark you out as a cheapskate, so avoid any that include a limited menu or require vouchers. Angel Jen: No woman should be “demanding” meals out. I don’t know why men feel they should have to pay all the time. In my view, the girl should always offer to pay as well. And if you can’t agree, just go halves.

I read certain foods would make my jizz taste different. Is this actually true? Do blokes really taste that different? I imagined it was all much of a muchness… and if there is anything to it, what should I be eating? GB, via e-mail TA S T Y

Angel Steph: Imagine your pee the morning after a night out – hot, steamy and smelly. Compare it to a couple of hours later when you’ve got the fluids back into your body. When you’re dehydrated your jizz is like your dehydrated pee and it doesn’t taste good. Drinking lots of water helps your skin, your breath, your pee and your jizz because it flushes through toxins. Avoid strong-tasting foods, eat lots of fruit and, most importantly, drink lots of water to keep things flowing and take the edge off the taste of whatever you’ve been eating. Angel Eleanor: Fruits such as pineapple, sweet spices such as cinnamon, and lots of fresh veg are supposed to give semen a lighter, fresher taste. Conversely the curry, lager and kebabs you consume before

offering yourself up to your girlfriend apparently make jizz taste heavy, salty and acidic. However, all the evidence is anecdotal, so I suggest you find yourself a scientifically minded partner and conduct a trial of your own. If a girl really hates the taste of your semen, you could always try flavoured condoms. Ultimately what makes a mouthful of jizz more appealing to a girl is a new piece of jewellery! (Joke.)

I want to have a conversation with my new girlfriend about our sex life, but I’m embarrassed. We’ve been together for a few weeks and often do it unprotected. I want to have a chat with her about what we both like and the safest ways to do it, but I’ve never talked about it with anyone before and I’m worried about what I should say. Anon, via e-mail S E X TA L K

Angel Steph: Close your eyes, calm your breathing and relax. Still with your eyes closed, picture yourself having the conversation you want to have with your girlfriend. In that picture, you can see a more confident, eloquent you. See what you would see, hear what you would hear and feel what you would feel as that more confident you. Imagine the picture becoming brighter and clearer and, as you feel those feelings of confidence intensify, press your thumb and index finger together and let this become the trigger to access this confidence. This technique works in any situation when you want to act or feel a certain way. Angel Anna: Just because she hasn’t brought it up till now doesn’t mean she’s not open to

discussing it. I think there are two separate conversations here. First is the health issue. My advice is to pick a moment when you’re both relaxed – after sex, say. Tell her you’re serious about her and love being with her. Ask what she’d think about you both going and getting tested, so you don’t have to worry about using condoms. The second question is trickier. Nothing is more unnerving than asking, “What would you like me to do?” in bed and expecting her to roll out an elaborate sexual blueprint. Try more speciﬁc questions like, “How does that feel?” and, “Do you like that?” and you’ll learn as you go. 07/09

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HICKEY

The ﬂying penis

Nisha Samson bonks them virginity theories

just saw the 14” p**** fly by, I promise. Okay, both you and me know that if p*****s fly then the world would be one big horny planet. Well, some theories people have about sex are as ridiculous as the flying p****. SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX most people do it, some feign ignorance and everyone and I mean everyone is busy contemplating and wondering whether X, Y or Z is a virgin. So who is the clean, pure virgin anyway? There are several ri’DICK’culous theories floating around. Let’s follow that sperm trail shall we: the woman in the tight jeans and cropped top probably lost hers while in school! Another one (this one’s for the guys): It is certainly not the hot guy, I mean what with his Greek God looks. He must be bedding the hotties by the dozen. And so the virginity-cum-sex contemplation continues. Excuse my French here but I have one word for this thinking (if thinking is what this is) “BULLSHIT”. Let’s get into those curious pants and pop that cherry now. Besides being able to point out the non-virgins based on their looks and carry, people claim that a woman’s hips and a guys butt are ‘virgin’ giveaways. I cannot decide if this is interesting in a super non-interesting way or downright stupid. Doesn’t it occur to anyone that a woman with big hips is probably shoving the wrong food in her mouth and not the sausage down south (actually it’s up south). And a guys butt!!! Well all guys butts look like guys butts. Okay I agree that some butts are yummier than others, but they are still just butts. How can anyone tell how busy his lil soldier (oops!... BIG soldier) has been based on his bum. Can anyone really think this makes sense? 106

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“I don’t know, it’s a quality,” a “wellinformed” friend tells me. So much for quality and contemplating virgins, let’s hard-bang them “virgin theories” and screw the hell out of these suckers. Come on soldier, into virgin territory sans protection. This is one virginal ride you cannot afford to miss. Virgin alert 1: A nonvirgin walks with her legs apart Yeah right, the fact that she walks with her legs apart probably signiﬁes a dearth of p****-action and her absolute need for some. Besides the woman is probably butch anyway, so take your hopeful p**** elsewhere. Virgin alert 2: Big boobs = lots of sex Get real now! A pair of huge hooters sounds super promising and looks even better, but it has nothing to do with action between the sheets. The woman is either blessed or built like a tank and those huge mammaries are just part of that package. Still want to do her? I didn’t think so. Virgin alert 3: Sway of the hip signals the non-virgin Ok, so a woman has a seductive sway, so bloody what. A swaying hip signals nothing but style, class and some seductive sexiness. It could signify a little ﬁlrting and who knows, she could be teasing you a little too. It will bring your manhood to life, sure, but it does not promise you an introduction down under. Virgin alert 4: Girls with the unibrow are as pure as they come!

Having a unibrow signiﬁes non-plucking and not non-f*****g. Give her a pair of tweezers (I am referring to the ones for the eye-brows please) Virgin alert 5: A virgin’s pee is clearer than the non virgins pee Excuse me while I balk, let me read that again. Who the hell is desperate enough to check anyone’s urine???!!! And anyway the colour of a woman’s urine (anyone’s urine for that matter) depends completely on water intake not semen intake. Besides if an inquisitive genius does check out a persons urine, they might want to put a torch up her vagina and check for semen deposits too! So much for looking out for the woman virgin; now it’s time to bust the balls off the male virginity theories. (Are there any male virgins around anyway?!!!) Okay so besides the ass bit there is nothing physical that indicates how much exercise a guys p**** gets. Darn, this is a lil unfair now, don’t you think? Oh well, at least we have multiple orgasms going for us. In the meantime, you work that butt baby, all eyes are on you. Wink, wink. FHM

RNI NO. MAHENG / 2006 / 22337