Unraveling the Parent/Child Communication Struggle Care and Compassion:

By Dr. Ramona Roberts,Executive Director, Caron Outpatient Treatment Center and Author: Making Sense of What Hasn’t Made Sense and Shannon Tissera, Master level intern, Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. We somehow need to figure out how to keep these miniature humans fed, clothed and alive while concurrently doing our best to shape them into well-rounded, productive members of society.

Parenthood is hard. Especially daunting is when something that seems simple – like communication – can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Ask any parent of a toddler who is having a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store, or a parent whose teenager makes a regular habit of stomping to their room and slamming the door after a heated discussion – being understood and understanding is hard. At these times we may not even be thinking that we need to decode what these young bodies and brains are trying to tell us, but if we build our communication toolbox, we can unravel the said and unsaid for meaningful communication that supports the child, the caregiver and the relationship.

From toddler to teen, it is possible to have open, meaningful discussions with our kids. It all begins with how we approach and respond to our children, especially when dealing with heightened emotions and difficult situations.

With consistency, our children will find safety and comfort coming to us with their challenges and triumphs. Here are a few tips to build your communications toolbox to better sort out the meaning in your child’s behavior and keep the lines of communication open.

Using co-regulation to manage emotions. Many of us were raised with the expectation that we need to “just suck it up and deal with it” and now as adults, we’ve carried that same mantra into our jobs, personal lives and parenting. Telling our children to “put their big kid pants on” – to calm down, to get it together – actually portrays the message that what they’re going through doesn’t matter.

Over time, kids will learn to suppress their emotions and can become isolated. The proof is in the data – a screening by Mental Health America revealed that nearly half of 11 to 17-year-olds reported that they “often do not show their feelings.” When children don’t feel comfortable expressing their emotions, it can lead to bigger problems, such as substance use, anxiety and depression. These issues often leave parents feeling guilty and hopeless, not knowing what is wrong with their child or what they may have done to “cause it.”

As parents, our job is to help our children identify and regulate their emotions, not dismiss or downplay them. Adults have the experience and ability to control our impulses, think through scenarios before acting and reason our behavior. The part of the brain that controls these functions – the frontal lobe – isn’t fully developed until we are in our mid-20s. By nature, when a child is experiencing a “meltdown” or other intense emotions, it is often not out of disrespect or disobedience; instead, it is a byproduct of their brains not yet being fully equipped to process and cope with the situation.

We can demonstrate our experience and resilience with our kids by sharing the emotional load through co-regulation. When a child is feeling overwhelmed or acting out, we need to step in and fill the emotional gaps with our own coping mechanisms. By showing them we’re here to help and validating their emotions, we can guide them to a place where they feel calm and safe.

Start

with active listening.

With all the responsibilities of adulthood – juggling work/life balance, managing our ever-growing to-do lists and coordinating family schedules – your child’s problems may seem so minor in comparison. But when your child approaches you with a problem, it’s a big deal to them and it’s important that we treat it as such.

Whether it’s a three-year-old crying because they don’t want to take a nap or a pre-teen who is upset after failing a math test, we need to put our ears, our minds and our mouths into “listening mode.” That means putting down our phones or stepping away from the sink full of dishes –to engage with our child, which conveys that we are listening.

All of us have a tape playing in our minds that is influenced by a lifetime of biases we created and experiences we’ve had. In active listening, we need to pause that tape and keep that voice inside our heads at bay. Avoid making judgements or thinking ahead about how you’re going to respond and really listen with an open mind and calm demeanor.

Are they tired, hungry or experiencing something else physically that would cause a strong emotional reaction? Slamming doors may be the teen wanting to be heard or seen. Aggressive behavior, even fighting with siblings, can be viewed through the lens of desperately needing the parent’s attention. Cursing or using inappropriate language similarly may be an attempt to get your attention. Specifically, shouting those words at you and negative comments may really be how they’re feeling about themselves but shouting them at you is easier than bearing their own emotional pain. Lack of eye contact may be that they’re overwhelmed, or conversely it may help them pay attention and stay present by feeling less threatened. Lack of effort in things may signal that they’ve been feeling their efforts didn’t get them anywhere and what’s the point of trying now. Listening is not just about their words, but what may their behavior be saying to you.

To decode what’s not being said, ask questions so you can accurately understand what they’re experiencing. Before you react, practice empathy – put yourself in your child’s shoes to understand why, from their perspective, the situation is troubling.

Respond with care and compassion, not punishment and shaming.

When emotions are running high, it can be easy to react by yelling or telling your child to go to their room. But your response can make all the difference in whether your child will feel ashamed and frustrated – or safe and calm.

Be careful not to dismiss or minimize what your child is going through. Even the most well-intended words can have the ability to be twisted or misinterpreted from our mouths to their ears. Avoid phrases like “you shouldn’t think like that” or “that’s silly/dumb.” Younger children don’t have the cognitive ability to understand the intended meaning of sarcasm and the use of it can leave them feeling confused. Children who feel dismissed or receive mixed messages tend to have ongoing emotional wounds and feel less trusting of their parents.

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While we can’t always offer a solution to their troubles, we can make our kids feel validated and understood. Don’t focus on calling out their behavior or punishing them; but instead, ask them questions or provide options that will guide them to make independent choices for what comes next. Remember that when kids push boundaries, often they are hoping the parent will meet the challenge or test, and not give up on them.

Let them cry.

Tears are actually a means of self-regulation and carry stress hormones. Crying activates our parasympathetic nervous system, helping our bodies to restore a sense of balance. Allowing your child to sit with their feelings empowers them to know how to react to them in the future.

Help your child identify what they are feeling. Use empathetic phrases like: “I see how that makes you angry” or “I can understand why that upsets you.”

Know when your child is “testing the waters.”

Sometimes, a child will share something just to gauge your reaction. It could be an event that happened at school, something they saw that made them uneasy or a situation a “friend” is going through. Telling you about it is their way to proverbially “test the waters” – establishing whether they can trust you and seeing how quick you are to judge.

If you react with disbelief, are dismissive or shaming, your child will hear loud and clear that they should not share anything like this with you again – especially if it happens directly to them - as it will garner the same response.

When a child shares such information with you, show genuine interest and ask questions. How did the situation make them feel? What would they do to solve the problem? How would they have handled it differently? You’re not only showing them you care by giving your full attention, but you’re equipping them to deal with the situation and encouraging them to come to you again in the future.

Practice what you preach.

Set a good example for your kids by exercising positive communication skills around them. In conversations with other adults in the household, older children and even ourselves, don’t be quick to react or get too emotional. Take time to self-reflect and practice forgiveness. Give yourself grace as you may reflect on things you would like to do differently. Know that at any point, the present moment is a great opportunity to change up the way things have been done.

Be authentic and honest with those around you. Acknowledge that you are not perfect, and mistakes are an opportunity to do better. If something didn’t go as planned, say you’re sorry – especially to your kids. Apologies help build and retain trust. Contrary to what some adults may think, they improve respect both ways.

Focus on connection, not control.

As children get older, they become more independent and look to their peers to work through their problems. If parents interfere too much or try to be controlling, it can push the child away.

Sometimes, just knowing that you’re there can help your child feel safe and when they need it, they’ll feel comfortable coming to you. In the meantime, continue looking for ways to establish an ongoing connection with your child. Sit down for a meal together on a regular basis. Establish a family game or movie night. Cheer them on at their games or performances. Show interest in the things they are into, even if it’s endless episodes of Bluey or playing hours of Minecraft.

Celebrate them for who they are as human beings. No matter what age, you are their parent and their world. The compassion and love you show for them now will stay with them through the rest of their lives.

Meet Some Berks County Medical Society 2023 Executive Board Members

President: Bill Santoro, MD, FASAM Chief, Division of Addiction Medicine, Tower Health

President-Elect: Ankit M. Shah, MD Emergency Medicine, Tower Health

Treasurer: Daniel A. Forman, DO Hematology & Oncology Specialist, Tower Health

Immediate Past-President: Jillian M. Ventuzelo, DO Family Medicine, Penn State Health St. Joseph

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