Inside this issue:
Mr. Emery’s secrets exposed! Terry the Trank Engine? Oak tree 3-D Printing Scandal! page 2
page 4
page 4
northwood timbre-wolves
tav, case, and halop start their own k-pop band
Conspiracy theory: Are Freshmen Real?
sive Exclu aphic ogr phot ence evid usive e el of th man?!! fresh
By Maizah Ali and Carina Lin Staff Writers
In the past few months, the Northwood Howler has been gathering evidence and testimonies from students that suggests that freshmen are not real. Typically seen in hoards blocking entire staircases and hallways on campus, these elusive creatures, scientifically named homo freshians, are commonly referred to as “freshmen,” though they are neither very fresh nor are they actually men. But how did the myth of these creatures come into being? Legend has it that freshmen have the ability to camouflage behind their astoundingly enormous backpacks filled with textbooks, binders, notebooks, colored pencils, staple removers, highlighters, Post-Its and glue sticks. Supposedly, these beings communicate with one
Eliot Lee and Jay Lee The Northwood Enquirer
Mr.
Emery
another through a series of piercing screams, accompanied by the occasional voice crack. However, this anomaly has yet to be caught on record as all evidence of their existence is promptly erased from their alleged Instagram accounts mere seconds after being posted. When they’re not stressing out about their hefty workload (read: a single anchor and two worksheets for IS1) or bemoaning an A- on an assessment, freshmen may be found frantically sprinting to their next class seconds after the first bell rings for fear of ruining their perfect attendance. The most astounding facet of these legendary beings, however, is their beaming enthusiasm and anticipation for another day at school. Based on this description alone, it can be concluded that it would be impossible for these freshmen to exist.
exposed: My
English teacher’s a vampire? By Anna Lim and Ellen Wang Staff Writers
A shocking event that unfolded on Mar. 12 has exposed friendly, local English teacher Erik Emery as a vampire. Students stumbled upon Emery’s batcave by flipping an arbitrary sequence of light switches in his classroom, opening up a secret room behind the bookshelf filled with jars of blood. “I cannot deny or confirm any allegations against me,” Emery said. While his composure remained firm, his detached tone reveals his uncertainty and insecurity in his ability to cover up the fact that he is a vampire. Yet, there is definitive evidence that proves his vampirism. It is a common notion that vampires feed on the life force of their victims, which is why teaching Honors Euro Lit and AP Lit is the perfect occupational cover. His classic long-sleeved collared shirt and khakis are also a preventative measure from exposure to the sun—a primary vampire weakness. Many have called him a modern-day Shakespeare, but what they don’t realize is that Emery is William Shakespeare—and Fyodor Dostoevsky and William
Faulkner. He has taken many different identities throughout the past few centuries to conceal his immortality. However, Emery often forgets to distinguish between his different pseudolives when talking about his past occupations—screenwriter, film producer, sound mixer, professional musician, neuroscientist, dedicated volunteer at the Red Cross blood drive—experiences that could’ve only spanned several human lifetimes. A recent photo has surfaced of the enigmatic English teacher at the gym, lifting an incredible weight of 71286 pounds—a number that also happens to be Transylvania’s zip code. This superhuman strength and clear connection to his Romanian roots are more than enough proof of Emery’s not-so-secret identity as a vampire. Additionally, students exiting his class have reported being “more woke” and feeling “enlightened”— common euphemisms for victims who have been brainwashed by these supernatural occurrences. Take caution the next time you step into his classroom. You never know when—or who—he’s going to strike.
Jay Lee and Misa Nazareno The Northwood Enquirer
!
NEW K-POP SENSATION IS TAKING OVER NORTHWOOD !
Dragon spotted hiding in NHS Staircase???
Tav, Case, and Halop found moonlighting as a hip, new K-Pop group known as the Timbre-wolves
Exclusive! Scientific sketch of the mysterious creature! (Sketch done by worldrenowned Enquirer artists based on eyewitness accounts) Grant Dickerson and Victoria Quin The Northwood Enquirer
By Ally Chao and Zaina Shaik Staff Writers
Several anonymous sources have reported sightings of some sort of dragon frequenting the uninhabited and dark staircase behind the 1200 building. While nobody has gotten a clear glimpse of the dragon, students have commonly seen sizable clouds of smoke drifting from the staircase, presumably because the creature possesses fire-breathing capabilities. What the Enquirer has yet to find is an explanation for the occasional sweet smell, reminiscent of strawberries, that seems to accompany these sightings. Little has been confirmed about this creature by the Northwood administration, but urban legend and popular theories claim it is friendly.
William Pan The Northwood Enquirer
By Catherine Hu and Sarika Rau Staff Writers
Sources close to Northwood HS music teachers Ben Case, Zach Halop and Whitney Tavlarides revealed to the Enquirer on the condition of anonymity that the three have recently formed their own pop band, the Timbrewolves, under the guidance of music producer Keiko Halop. After an in-depth investigation, the Enquirer discovered several concertgoers’ reviews on the group’s most recent concerts. “I traveled all the
way from the 1400 building to see this concert, but they didn’t even start because Zach spent six hours telling us about his childhood pet duck, George,” someone wrote on ratemyteachers.com. “Whitney stopped the concert in the middle and waited twenty minutes for us to call our parents to make sure they were picking us up at 9 p.m. because quote, ‘It’s a school night,’” one Yelp review read. Their producer, Keiko Halop, responded to the criticisms by acknowledging that the band has some issues.
“I keep telling Ben to stop with the puns— he really needs to focus on improving his technique, especially putting the emPHAsis on the right sylLAble,” Keiko Halop said. Despite only receiving mixed reviews, the group is supported by their fellow Northwood staff. “You know, Case and Halop are such trendsetters,” English and Jazz II teacher Erik Emery said. “I used to have an emo hair sweep, and then I got a bowl cut, but now, they’ve really inspired me to follow the latest trend.”
“I always feel super confused whenever I walk past the staircase and there’s just like, smoke coming out of it,” an anonymous student told the Enquirer. “It’s kinda spooky. Kinda weird. I can’t really make sense of it.” Evidence of electronic devices suggests that the dragon is technologically advanced. Sophomore Jou Le found an abandoned flash drive in the upstairs 1400s bathroom. “Because of the dragon, security around the bathrooms has increased heavily,” Le said. “They even installed some sort of electronic trapping mechanism on the door handles.” The dragon is currently pending further investigation, and it is unknown at the moment whether the mysterious creature will become a permanent resident of Northwood.
Investigation: Mysterious club Club Club discovered By Victoria Quin Editor-in-Chief
No way?! An exclusive investigation by the Enquirer has discovered that all NHS clubs are actually run by a club known as Club Club, not the Clubs Commissioner. When questioned, Club Club club president Cole Lub admitted to the conspiracy. “Well, I mean, somebody’s gotta run these clubs,” C. Lub said. “How else do you think Northwood can sustain so many clubs? We do all the basic club stuff: club paperwork, club roll call, basic clubby club stuff you know. It’s
just great to help our fellow students, really helps us connect and makes us Club Club club members feel like we’re part of the club if you know what I mean haha.” The Club Club club president has since vanished, and attempts to contact the Club Club club president and all Club Club club board members for further information have not been answered. Edit 3/26: We have since been informed that Club Club has been suspended until further notice by Club Club Club, a club dedicated to managing Club Club.
Shocking: Mrs. Olivares is actually the Lorax! By Andrew Do and Sumedh Sarwate Staff Writers
BREAKING NEWS: The Enquirer has discovered that AP Environmental Science teacher Angie Olivares is actually the Lorax. In a recent investigation, The Enquirer discovered posters of Al Gore that were found around her classroom, even uncovering an autographed poster of “An Inconvenient Truth” behind a file cabinet. Furthermore, the small animal figurines on her desk are actually petrified organisms Olivares kept as reminders to young capitalists what happened to her friends after industrial logging demolished their natural habitats. “It makes perfect sense. I see no reason why I shouldn’t
believe that Mrs. O. is a squat orange man with a fabulous handlebar mustache,” APES student Andrew Vu said in an interview. In the same investigation, The Enquirer found that Olivares’ lettuce lab that teaches kids about soil acidity by growing pieces of lettuce in small cups was actually a ploy to find the student most worthy of returning her destroyed home back to its pristine state. It seems that no such student has been found. When confronted by The Enquirer, Mrs. Olivares was recorded making one final statement before she magically disappeared. “I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees,” Olivares yelled as she lifted herself into the air by the seat of her pants and vanished into a glorious beam of light behind a screen of smoggy clouds.
Train of the Month: Terry the Trank Engine Eliot Lee The Northwood Enquirer
By Anish Jampana and Ibrahim Hussain Staff Writers
Where’s the difference? Our own two eyes prove that Mrs. O. and the Lorax are in fact the same person
Rachel Kang The Northwood Enquirer
clipart-library.com
Through an anonymous tip, the Enquirer has made a shocking discovery about Ms. Trank that no one has ever known until now. By day she is the Calculus expert everybody knows and loves, but by night she transforms into her alter ego Terry the Trank engine. Known for often going on tangents during class, Terry the Trank engine takes a different ap-
proach to going off track at night, being infamous among the other trains for literally going off her track and onto another. Despite being mildly surprised initially by the fact that beloved Northwood math teacher Ms. Trank is an actual train, students have readily accepted her alternate identity. “Yeah dude, I’m totally ok with the fact that Ms. Trank is lowkey a train,” Calculus student
Albert Einstein said in an exclusive interview with the Northwood Enquirer. “I mean she’s kinda like a Transformer right? And Transformers are neat. So therefore yeah.. Uh... wait, I forgot what I was talking about.” Nobody knows how and why Ms. Trank spontaneously morphs into a sentient, locomotive, steam-powered vehicle, but what we do know is that it’s pretty darn cool that she can.
Scandalous! Quigley has stolen the Oak and replaced it with a highly detailed 3-D printed replica! By Anna Lim Staff Writer
In a shocking discovery last Tuesday, Northwood’s iconic Oak was revealed to be an incredibly realistic and detailed 3D printed replica, with the original stolen by none other than Art and Computer Graphics teacher Pat Quigley. His possible motive? The profits off of selling the tree. “It’s a myth that artists make no money,” senior Chereen Han said. “He could make bank selling the Oak on Ebay.” Quigley was reported by some students to have been suspiciously loitering around the oak tree weeks before its disappearance, while others have dismissed such allegations. “Have you ever seen Quigley walking across Northwood’s campus wearing dark Oakley sunglasses and carrying large briefcases? Well one day I saw him carrying an unusually enormous tree-sized and tree-shaped duffel bag and a chainsaw” AP
Studio Art student Jamie Wang said. “But that’s not incriminating enough to raise any concern...is it?” Quigley has suspiciously denied all accusations. “It’s not a palm tree; there’s no way I could have handled such a big tree and smuggled it out of school” said Quigley. “It’s obviously a sticky situation, but these sappy accusations have only been made by Mr. Stuart the baseball coach. I heard the baseball team was going to use all wood bats next season. If you want to catch the real Oak Tree Outlaw, my money would be on Mr. Stuart.” The mystery of the Oak has left administration stumped, as reclamation efforts have been unsuccessful. Taking a hit at Northwood’s morale, students have begun to lament the loss of the oak tree. “This is not ‘oak’ay,” concerned junior Christine Chu said. “This is a tragedy that could make even Bob Ross’s happy trees sad.”
William Pan The Northwood Enquirer
Busted!! Mr. Quigley is caught in the act of printing a life-size replica of the Oak