Separation without suffering

Separation

without suffering

What if you could not only separate without conflict but could do so amicably, through open communication and honesty, resulting in an increased level of

trust with your ex-partner for the future? WORDS BY EMILY MILLER

Separation is painful. Families dividing up finances, housing and child arrangements when communication is often strained and broken down feels like one of the most stressful and traumatic times a human can go through.

Laws around divorce were changed in April this year, removing the necessity to make allegations about the conduct of a spouse and allowing couples to end their marriage jointly. Despite the changes, some lawyers are still concerned about potential flaws in practice.

Founder of Holistic Family Mediation, Sushma Kotecha, tells us why after being a divorce lawyer for over 27 years, mediation and helping others through it became a path she chose: “I’d seen mediation work for my clients, I’d seen it save money, further pain and suffering and after going through a separation in my personal life, I knew I had to focus solely on providing this lifechanging service for others.

It was a risk. Having built up a highly reputable and successful career as a family lawyer, Sushma’s move to start her own mediation service was a real heart-based move, a calling. “Once I’d decided it was what I wanted, there was no turning back – I had to do it.” The company celebrates its first birthday in July.

For Sushma, her own divorce changed her perception of her clients and their experiences. “I’d been a practising divorce lawyer for years and have always been a compassionate person, but when I went through it myself, that was when I really understood the extent of the traumatic experience. Throughout the period of my separation and divorce, I kept asking myself: ‘If I find this so difficult and painful, what must my clients feel like?’”

Separation is emotional – not just a legal procedure – and if your mediator knows this, the energy is different, something Sushma tells me many of her clients comment on. “What is hugely important to me is how my clients feel in our sessions. They tell me they feel safe to express themselves and that they have the space to process what’s going on and therefore make informed choices and decisions about their future.”

At a time when emotions are running high, communication is fraught or broken down completely, when children are involved or finances are all over the place, finding a solution through talking together with a professional, calming and supportive energy like Sushma’s can make the difference – not only in the present but for the future too.

“A kinder and more compassionate separation sets up your future for a happier and easier one – separation is painful, but the process doesn’t need to cause permanent suffering and pain.”

A better understanding of each other’s views through improved communication with a professional and compassionate mediator isn’t only going to ease the pain now, it sets the precedence for a happier, healthier relationship with your ex and your reflection on your separation for the future. It serves you, your children and future generations much better. And, who doesn’t want that?

If you have been affected by any of the topics in this article, or would like to speak to a professional, visit holisticfamilymediation.co.uk for more information and guidance.

THROUGHOUT THE PERIOD OF MY SEPARATION AND DIVORCE, I KEPT ASKING MYSELF: ‘IF I FIND THIS SO DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL, WHAT MUST MY CLIENTS FEEL LIKE?