RUN LIKE FUCK
FOREWORD So you’ve been given this guide by either your parents/guardians and other non-fred’s to help you understand the recent ‘Fred’ problem. In this guide we will take a look at how the Fred virus began its life, How (without a passport) the virus travelled the world, The different variations of Freds, how to spot the signs that your friends or family could soon be transformed and what are the best weapons to use against them. The author takes no responsibility if the reader of this book dies horribly and/or becomes infected by the Fred Virus. It’s your own fault for not running fast enough. -Nikki Glasgow
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GENESIS CATCH ME IF YOU CAN FREDOLOGY BLADES OF GLORY
1 GENESIS
LIKE WITH MOST THINGS IT STARTS WITH NUTS
THIS IS FRED This IS HOW HE CAME TO BE
A random cell mutation in a peanut cell changed its structure to a shape resembling that of the human brain
The Elephant was poached, its tusks taken and then turned into an ornate ivory mouthpiece for a new orleans jazz musician by the name of Blind Billy Blue Balls
The peanut plant grew normally and was harvested and sold as food for tourists to feed to the elephants in an African safari park
The Infected mouth-piece transfered the virus to Billy’s mouth and then his brain, turning all his cells into the same structure as the brain virus
WHAT MAKES FRED A ZED
what’s iNside fred? BRAINS
FRED HAS A big braIN. This is why he is obsessed With braiNs. HE thiNks they are YuMMy
PIE-HOLE
RESISTANT CILIA
This is where fred’s food eNters his body. Head, shoulders, kNees aNd toes are soMe of his favourites
On each limb of the cell are these pesky little cilia sub-structures. It was Plato who said, “Little Cilia Sub-Structures are bastards to remove”
BRAIN SHAPED NUCLEUS Because the nucleus of the cell resembles that of a human brain, the infected only ever want to eat brains. It is this obession that drives them fucking loco
RECYCLE SoMETIMES FRED IS TOO STUPID TO CATCH SOME FOOD, SO HE EATS HIS OWN BRAIN. CLEVER BOY
2 CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
FLY MY PRETTIES
BY SEA The Fred virus, just like the black plague that may or may not have wiped out some of your mum’s side of the family, transfered to rodents aboard ships such as the cruise ship entertainers and comedians. Disgusting creatures.
BY GROUND In this case, the fred virus attaches itself to the tears of bored children sitting in the backseats of cars on ‘family-fun’ holidays to a shed in the middle of the woods. By attaching itself to such a depressed host, it increases its chance of spreading.
BY AIR Using modern transportation, THE FRED VIRUS FLEW ACCROSS THE PLANET AS FAST AS SANTA CLAUS*
*SANTA’S NOT REAL
Spread primarily in chartered flights, the virus spreads through previously infected hosts farting in the plane and being spread through the circulated air system and transfered, ass-to-ass, through the seats.
HOW TO GET INFECTED (IF YOU SO DESIRE)
Bite Stay away from all types of Fred, especially the Barrel (see chapter 4). Their teeth are razor sharp and ravenous. Because every single cell in their body is telling them to feast on..well... you, there really is no stopping their appetite until they are destroyed.
Blood The Fred virus transfers through blood contact. This however can only happen in one of two ways, either infected blood getting into an open wound, or by blood transfusion from an infected host. And who said giving blood wasnt vital!
BITE
BLOOD
PUBLIC TOILETS
Public Toilets Already containing a myriad of viruses and diseases, these are breeding grounds for the Fred virus. Always ‘mummify’ your toilet seat with bogroll or, if you have a gymnastic temperment, perform the squat and hover technique favoured by anxious people.
3 FREDOLOGY
WITH SO MANY NEW FRIENDS, HOW DO WE KNOW WHO’S WHO?
TYPES OF FRED
NORMAN
The most common type of Fred, Norman is dim yet resourceful
BARREL
For once, his eyes are not bigger than his belly. Stay clear from the mouth
SLENDER
Tall and thin, the slender chooses to stalk in the shadows and ambush like a snake
TOP TIP CLUBBER
DIDDIES
Most commonly found near The broken and detached abandonned nightclubs. Enlarged bits from your granny and fists and a bad temper from a few others form these little Stella make this a harsh foe Diddies. They come in packs
Distract Fred with the brains of small animals like rats and birds. Better your pet budgie’s brain than your own brain
HOW DO YOU SPOT A FRED? S N I BRA BITE MARKS
Any indication of bite marks anywhere on a person’s body indicates they have either turned, or about to turn into a Fred.
OBSESSION WITH BRAINS An unhealthy obsession with the human brain is worrying. Extremely worrying when they turn down some Lindt Chocolate in favour of a nice brain.
Z Z Z LOSS OF DETAIL Because Fred’s sole desire in life is to hunt down brains, he needs fewer ‘physical distractions’ on his body. Either that or the designer of this book couldn’t be assed adding anymore features.
NO Z’DS FOR FRED The constant drive to find more food, i.e. BRAINS, forces Fred to never stop finding brains, even if his stomach is full. Greedy bastard.
GraNDMA’S NEW LOOK
I
II
III
PRE-INFECTION
TITILLATING
FREDILICIOUS
So your granny has become infected with the Fred Virus. Well a positive spin is that you no longer have to put up with her spit-covered kisses and horrible tasting pies.
The next stage in her transformation is heralded by the sound of various parts falling off her. Don’t try putting them back. Her skin will also turn black. Probably from ‘that cold draft’ from the door you didn’t shut
Your granny now resembles something close to the next morning bowel movement after a night on the guinness (Ask your Dad if he’s still a human). Sometimes Fred’s hold onto totems, such as her pearl necklace
IF YOU SEE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS
DISPOSE OF INFECTED WITHOUT DELAY
4 BLADES OF GLORY
Short of nuking the major towns and cities, which would help ease the Fred problem somewhat, we’re going to take a look at other weapons you may have lying around your home and your community
FINISH HIM! BASEBALL BAT Unless you’re an avid baseball fan, you’re unlikely to have this in your home. Great for close quarters encounters,the humble baseball bat will evict Fred's brain from his skull without style. But it gets the job done.
CHAINSAW Cumbersome to wield, the chainsaw is a heavy but devastating weapon to use. Apart from its ability to make jerky out of Fred, the chainsaw has a limited amount of use because it uses fuel, leaving you open to be face-raped by our new friends.
AXE
TOP TIP When using the baseball bat, don’t try and hammer in a few nails because you think it would make the bat more deadly. It’s highly moronic. Seriously, don’t do it. I’ve seen that look in your eyes before. You know that look haunts me. If you hammer the nails in you run the risk of getting the bat stuck in Fred’s head. Then you know what will happen? You’ll become the main course of Fred’s dinner for the evening. So dont do it... ever
Commonly used by lumberjacks, serial killers and your friendly neighbourhood firefighter. A Similar in fighting style to the baseball bat, the axe however brings the risk of getting Fred’s insides on your outsides. Not nice.
BIG FUCK-OFF KNIFE As the name suggests, This is a big knife. Everyone has one. A scary thought turned comforting when Fred attacks. If you are careful about how you slash, then there should be no risk of getting Fred’s dirty blood all over your nice coat. Its also a nice deterrent from other people trying to steal your sweeties.
GOOD LUCK So, you’re now equipped to tackle some of the problems assosiated with the Fred Apocalypse. However, if you come accross something not covered by this guide the author will not be held responsible for any damages including lost or eaten limbs and/or family members. If you feel that a donation should be made to this fantastic author for creating such a helpful and insightful guide then good luck. Chances are he’s already been eaten. Never had the best of luck. So grab some supplies, charge your tablet/smartphone, lock the doors and pray to whatever deity you believe in that either youtube or netflix hasnt gone down yet. Good luck, -Nikki Glasgow (author)