OUT OF BODY (AND MECHANICAL

Divorce, Italian-Style: Take Two

by THOMAS GRECO, PUBLISHER

It’s been a while since I wrote my piece “Divorce, Italian-Style” (in the August 2015 issue of New Jersey Automotive, to be exact). That said, I honestly can’t tell you how traumatic the last six years have been. To recap briefly, I had been hooking up with a local pizzeria in Nutley since 1962. It got serious as I grew into puberty, and it became a marriage not too long after. For over 50 years, I was madly in love with her. Her sauce, her cheese (sigh). I lived for it every Sunday. But after a rough few years and one final incident (all documented in the August 2015 article), I could not take it anymore and just had to say goodbye forever.

Now, let me be honest. Although she was BY FAR the best I had ever had and I was monogamous for at least the first 20 or so years, I did stray here and there. I mean, I lived in North Jersey all my life. How can any person be expected to be loyal to only one pizzeria forever in this area of the world? Still, I was discreet. And I always went back on Sundays.

But since I left, it’s been one one-night stand after another. I went back to some of those old mistresses to see if there was any chance of taking the next step. I dated Star Tavern in Orange. She’s one hell of a slice, but she isn’t you-know-who. There was Pizza Town USA in Elmwood Park more than a few times. She has a hell of a body and texture, but she’s boardwalk pizza. I was used to a higher class.

After her, I hit on some of the social media darlings. Santillo’s Brick Oven Pizza in Elizabeth, the Kardashian of pizza, was amazing. But like a Kardashian, she couldn’t live up to the hype. I made my way north to the immortal Pizza Land, the place we all know from the beginning of The Sopranos. She was very good, but I like curves. Pizza Land was a little too thin for my taste. Bruno’s in Clifton was a damn good companion. The Sicilian was as unique as Sophia Loren, but I wasn’t interested in a long-distance romance. (In other words, the pizza would be cold by the time I got home.)

Then there’s the new beauty on the scene who everyone is raving about. Pizza Terminal in Verona – the latest centerfold of the moment, it seems. So, I took her out. Sure, it was a little tacky on my part, being in the car and all – but if she was worth it there, well, then she would easily make the jump to Sundays. Unfortunately, we didn’t even get past first base. Undercooked and bland. It was not a match made in oven.

Nutley is not that big of a town. And unfortunately, I have to drive past my former love almost every day. I pray I don’t get the red light in front of her door. But sometimes, I do. As I sit there and her scent filters through my vents, I start to sweat and get the shakes. Sometimes, I just run the light, tears pouring from my taste buds. It’s been six years. And my kids have sided with her in the divorce. They have no problem bringing her home and torturing me with that look, that smell and tempting me with, “Dad, it’s sooo good” or, “Dad, grow the f#@k up and have some,” etc.

Endless hours were spent searching on Match.com (actually Yelp) for “that special one nearby” to no avail. Depression was setting in. Would I ever find happiness again?

continued on pg. 44

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