Buyer Beware

Recently I called a plumber friend to order a toilet thinking I’d get it cheaper than buying it from a big box store or the local hardware store. The toilet was delivered to my house and in preparing to install it I noticed something was missing: THE SEAT! Now, I think we can all agree that the seat is a fairly important part of the apparatus, just ask any woman who constantly tells her husband to put the seat down after use, otherwise she might sit down and get stuck, and calling the fire department to get removed from your toilet is not something you’d want talked about around town.

When I went to the local hardware store to buy a toilet seat I noticed a banner saying that a popular brand of a battery powered drill was only $79. But then I read the small print and discovered that did not include the battery or the charger. That was $159 extra! I felt like I was ten years old again on Christmas morning when you got a toy you couldn’t play with because ‘batteries were not included!’

We’ve become a nation of salesmen, promoters and hucksters. We sell stuff better than we make it. For example, my wife and I were picking out wood flooring to redo our kitchen floor and after looking at samples for 30 minutes we finally decided on one we both liked. Then the salesman informed us it was out of stock and he didn’t know when it would be available, if ever. It reminded me of buying a can of nuts with a bright label that showed what we could expect once we opened the can. The label showed numerous cashews, (my favorite) but it had one half of one cashew in the entire can! The pizza joint in our town advertises that they are ‘the home of the $8 pizza’ but that’s just for the crust and the sauce. If you want pepperoni, cheese and olives they’re two dollars each so their $8 pizza is really $14!

Sometimes we’re outright lied to. As a child I wanted a coonskin cap because Daniel Boone supposedly wore one only to find out as an adult that he never did. Asthma Cigarettes did not cure cancer, Dr Koch’s Cure All was little more than distilled water, one size does not fit all, wearing sneakers doesn’t make you look skinny and you can’t ‘wash and wear’ clothes without looking like a homeless person. And why is every item in the grocery store ‘New and Improved?’ I don’t want new and improved, I want ‘old and reliable’.

And whatever happened to ‘truth in advertising?’

I am reminded of an incident where telling the truth almost got me sued. I was working ring at the all-breed bull sale at San Francisco’s Cow Palace which always attracted a big crowd. For some reason I’ll never understand the Cow Palace didn’t require their consignors to semen test their bulls ahead of the sale. I’ve never heard of another bull sale that didn’t semen test their bulls.

The Limousin bulls always seemed to have the highest breed average because two good cattlemen always got in a bidding war over them. They were both my friends and always sat in my section where I was taking bids. One of the men told me ahead of time, “You let me know if a bull isn’t semen tested because I don’t want one!” And the other bidder was a dear friend of mine. In fact, I gave the eulogy at his funeral. He’d never speak to me again if I sold him a bull that wasn’t semen tested. So whenever an untested Limousin bull came through the ring I said in a normal voice, “Not semen tested.”

When I got home a week later there was a letter waiting for me from a Limousin breeder who sold his untested bulls at the Cow Palace and said he was going to sue me if I didn’t pay him the difference between what his untested bulls brought and the average of the tested bulls. He also threatened to sue me for defamation of character. And all I had done was tell the truth because I thought that buying a bull that wasn’t semen tested was like buying a toilet without a seat.

Burning Questions

I know the cowboy and cowgirl community looks to me as a stylish trendsetter who is always in fashion. As a man of few fashion surprises who owns at least three pairs of jeans and a stack of T shirts, some even without colorful pictures of cows or cars on them, I realize I have a responsibility to share my insight as to what’s fashionable.

I’m constantly barraged with questions like, “What’s in style, shotgun chaps or chinks? Fringe or no fringe, vest or no vest, Pendleton or polyester, a feather in one’s hat or a hat band, belt or suspenders, wrist watch or pocket watch, jinglebobs on your spurs or no jinglebobs?

As a leatherworker I’m often asked if it’s fashionable to put your name on the back of your belt or did that style go out with Lyndon Johnson? (I prefer initials on the tip of your belt.) And yes, you should wear a belt and pull up your pants. Even though teenagers are often seen with their pants pulled down like they have $500 worth of nickels in them, it’s not a style that will ever catch on with the cowboy crowd. Can you imagine Trevor Brazile getting off his horse after roping a calf and mooning the crowd in Vegas at the NFR?

The top five five questions I get from people who want to dress as stylish as myself are...

#5 Levi or Wrangler? I was a Levi man in my younger years but that was before I learned that Levi gives hundreds of millions of dollars to extremely liberal causes, while Wrangler sponsors the NFR. So now I’m a Wrangler man. Okay, okay, the fact that Levis now cost $60 per pair might have a little something to do with my fashion awakening. At any time you could add up the cost of everything I’m wearing and the total wouldn’t be near $60! Compromise position: Cinch jeans.

#4 Square toe or pointy toe? I notice a lot of rodeo cowboys and cowgirls are wearing square toed boots these days but, call me old-fashioned, I believe that proper boots should have pointy toes so you can get your foot out of the stirrup faster with less hang up. Compromise position: My favorite boots have always been Justin Ropers with a round toe. Under no circumstance should a cowboy or cowgirl wear those silver toe caps on their boots that make them look like derelict rock and roll singers.

#3 Outside or inside? Because I also make spur leathers people ask if the buckles should be on the outside or inside? It depends on what part of the country you’re from. If you’re from California the buckles should be on the inside so you can put a big gaudy concha on the outside of your spur leathers. If you live closer to Texas and Nebraska it’s fashion forward to wear the buckles on the outside which is more practical. Compromise position: I really like the three piece spur leathers with a concha on the outside and the buckles in the middle.

#2 Wild rag or bolo tie? Wild rag for sure, unless you happen to be from Arizona. I’ve traveled that state extensively and have found that only an Arizonian can wear a bolo tie and look good at it. Arizona cowgirls are also the only ones who look good with big old Squash blossoms around their neck. Maybe it’s the turquoise? Compromise position. Do like I do and don’t wear either one because neither a wild rag or bolo tie looks good with a tee shirt.

#1 Black or white? The number one question: “Is it more fashionable to wear a white (actually grey) or black hat?” I used to wear nothing but silver bellies but I’ll admit that nothing looks better than a properly shaped black hat, except under really dusty conditions. I’ve seen some auctioneers wear brown hats, but you have to be really courageous and good looking to pull this look off. Compromise position: Just wear a straw hat all year round. They’re lots cheaper and you won’t care as much if one happens to blow away or get stepped on by a bull or horse. I’ll admit straw hats don’t look good if you wear one with a suit but I tend to avoid any enterprise that requires wearing one of them darn things. ▫