RIDING HERD by Lee Pitts
Baxter Slept Here Author’s Note: I am rerunning this column in honor of my dear friend, Baxter Black, who has retired due to health issues. This was written 34 years ago and I’m glad to say that through the years that followed Baxter became my soul mate, psychiatrist, critic and one of my very best friends. Thanks for the memories, Baxter.
“G
uess who’s coming to dinner?” I told my wife excitedly... “My idol Baxter Black.” We cleaned out the goldfish bowl, scooped up after the dog, mowed the lawn and changed the top sheet on the extra bed in preparation for our famous house guest.
The day Baxter came to visit he came off Baxter just threw the hay off in a convenient the plane wearing a gaudy violet scarf and spot. I showed him my horse Gentleman an American flag for a shirt. There where and he asked, “Why would anybody in their white stars in a field of blue around his right mind leave him a stud?” shoulders and red and white stripes running Trying to be the perfect hosts, we took lengthwise up and down his skinny body. Baxter to our favorite restaurant. I knew I’d The people at the airport stood in salute as made a mistake when in front of my entire he walked off the plane. community he started reciting “Runnin’ I was in awe. This was my hero, the man Wild Horses” in his American flag shirt. Bax who had written those great American clas- drank tequila and ate oysters. Not Hereford sics; “Loony Lucy’s Spa and Health Food oysters... the real slimy kind. Soon he was Coop”, “Prewitt’s Cow”, “Vegetarian Night- doing a free floor show and was autographmare”, “How the Angel Got On Top the ing copies of his latest book. He met so Christmas Tree”, and my wife’s all time favor- many people he signed one to Allan and ite: “Bentley, the Born Again Bull”. As we Margaret. Unfortunately they were not a headed home I didn’t know what to say to pair. He became despondent over ruining this man I considered a god. He’d actually a good book. I told him I would take the been on the Tonight Show. mistake off his hands. His face lit up and When we got home I offered my guest underneath “To Allan and Margaret” he a drink but all we had in the house was a wrote, “close personal friends of the Pitts.” cheap bottle of wine. I offered Bax a glass When we got home I discovered a malbut he grabbed the bottle and we went off function in our plumbing. Our toilet always to feed the cows. I discovered that Baxter is goes on the blink when we have company. a rider, a roper, a windmill fixer and a helluva I gave Baxter the bad news, “You can use gate opener. We drove around in search of the toilet only once.” cows with Baxter surfing on the top of the I was totally embarrassed. I told my wife, load of hay. He had the bottle of cheap wine “Here I am trying to make him feel at home in one hand all the while pontificating and our toilet breaks.” about surfing in California. I was embarShe said, “If he had wanted to be treated rassed that we couldn’t find the cows but like he was at home he wouldn’t leave home and Cindy and Boller all the time.” I kept trying to go to bed but Baxter wanted to talk. We stayed up until 2:30 admiring each others work. The dog barked all night because Baxter was sleeping in her room. Four hours after we had gone to bed I heard this terrible caterwauling from the living room. Baxter was playing the piano resplendent in his newly recharged American flag shirt. Baxter looked a little full in the face and was in an awful hurry to leave that morning. I got a nice note about a week later from Baxter. It said in part, ‘Sorry we went to bed so early, I hope you got the toilet fixed. I waited till I got to the airport. I barely made it.” And he wasn’t talking about the plane. Because I was still so embarrassed I never replied, but I take this opportunity to do so now. “Dear Baxter, We got the toilet fixed and everybody in town wants to know when my crazy friend in the patriotic shirt is coming back for a visit?”
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FEBRUARY 2022
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