Clue curriculum2 3 by noerm end

CLUE Creating Love and Uplifting Esteem STUDENT BOOK A Character-based Abstinence Education Curriculum for Secondary Schools Based on the Abstinence Education Guidelines of the United States Government and IIFWP’s Principles of Peace

IIFWP is an NGO in Special Consultative Status with The Economic and Social Council of the United Nations

481 Eighth Ave. • Suite 3021 • New York, New York 10001, USA Telephone: 212 239-6500 • Fax: 212 239-2021 • Website: www.iifwp.org

Published in the United States of America by Interreligious and International Federation for World Peace 155 White Plains Road, Suite 204 Tarrytown, NY 10591

All rights reserved. Except for use in reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, without the prior written consent of the publisher. CLUE Curriculum v.2.3 & Student Book v.2.0 ISBN 1-930549-26-1

CLUE Creating Love and Uplifting Esteem A Character-based Abstinence Education Curriculum Project Directors: Dr. Chung Hwan Kwak Drs. Christopher and Julia Kim

Executive Editor: Dr. Thomas G. Walsh

Special Advisor: Mr. Jin Hun Park Moon

Principal Author: Dr. Robert S. Kittel

Senior Advisor: Dr Kathy Winings

Editors: Mrs. June Saunders Mrs. Barbara Robertson Mrs. Jonatha A. Johnson

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Preface This is a character education curriculum. The framework for this program is built around the abstinence education guidelines of the United States Congress. These guidelines were developed because the American government realized 40 years after the so-called Sexual Revolution that non-marital sex is devastating for individuals as well as for societies and nations. In this IIFWP educational initiative the concept of living for others is woven into the very fiber of this program. In so doing, it builds good character while strengthening the mind with new and convincing arguments for the age-old question, “Why should sexuality be reserved for marriage?” In CLUE, we present the case for abstinence that goes beyond the basics of preventing diseases and avoiding unwanted pregnancies. When arguments for abstinence are limited to these narrow concerns of self-interest, a higher vision of ourselves in relation to the world is lost. Promoting self-gain as the sole motivation for self-control weakens the greater and more convincing argument for abstinence. CLUE presents reasons that are based on the higher ideals of unselfishness which are rooted in the human spirit. In this way the philosophical reasoning for sexual self-control that underlies this program is abstinence for the sake of others. Acquiring knowledge and learning skills are essential for building prosperous nations. For this reason, schools, colleges, universities and vocational institutions are built. But good character is more important, because selfishness will eventually undermine these other fundamentals of character building. The family, therefore, is the single most indispensable educational institution of a nation. The family is the school of love; it’s where we should learn most effectively, and through first-hand experience, to live unselfishly. Loving families are not only essential for raising good children, they are also necessary for social development, nation-building and ultimately world peace. Learning to live for the sake of others, the motto of IIFWP, also speaks to the issues of exploitation, child abuse and domestic violence. It’s central to tackling poverty, corruption and the pandemic of HIV/AIDS as well. When people care more for others than themselves, how can they be corrupt or exploitive, violent or unfaithful?

About IIFWP The Interreligious and International Federation for World Peace (IIFWP) was founded in 1999 by the Rev. and Mrs. Sun Myung Moon in the hope of building a world of mutual respect where peoples, cultures, races, religions, and nationalities live together in harmony and prosperity. The mission of the IIFWP is to work in cooperation with individuals, civil societies and global institutions to lay the foundations for world peace. Social activists, young volunteers, and leaders from diverse religious, ethical and professional backgrounds have joined together to foster what has been the hope of all ages—a culture of heart. In recognizing that peace begins from individual men and women of good character, and that good character is learned most easily and naturally in the family, IIFWP develops programs that use the model of a loving family to address critical problems facing our world today. Such programs include: peace initiatives designed to transcend barriers that have divided and segregated people in the Middle East, South Asia and Korea; educational programs that reinforce universal family values; models of good governance; efforts to support the United Nations’ renewal; as well as service projects, sporting events, interfaith activities and artistic endeavors. In essence, the task of achieving a genuine, lasting peace requires an integrated, cross-disciplinary, and collaborative approach among all disciplines, organizations, cultures and peoples. It is towards this end, that IIFWP’s growing network of Ambassadors for Peace play a critical role. They are provided with practical tools to initiate grassroots programs at all levels of society. Supporting this, IIFWP has developed a network of peace councils at the national and international levels. Rooted in the universal ideal of selfless service, these programs and initiatives are designed to engender a transformation of heart for individuals, families, societies, and nations through advancing the universal ethic of “living for the sake of others.” In a word, IIFWP is working with others to build a global family.

CLUE Creating Love and Uplifting Esteem Introduction

This IIFWP1 sponsored program is a 10-chapter character development and abstinence education curriculum entitled “CLUE.” CLUE is an acronym that stands for Creating Love and Uplifting Esteem. Although the CLUE curriculum focuses on teaching young people the value of sexual abstinence before marriage and its relationship to fidelity within marriage, the basis for this is good character. CLUE, therefore, is essentially a character education program. Human sexuality is the most powerful, intimate area of our lives. Self-discipline in sexuality relates to virtue in all other areas of human life. In CLUE, students will learn: the relationship between making good decisions and freedom, the need for moral standards, the value of living for others, responsibility, self-control, the nature of true love and, when needed, how to make a new beginning in life. The basic goal is not simply to abstain from sexual activity; rather, it is to guide teenagers to make the right decisions—not only for themselves, but more importantly for their families (past, present and future.). Making good decisions also contributes positively toward their communities, their nations and the world. After all, young people must see themselves as the future of society. CLUE is the first curriculum presenting a one-to-one correspondence to the U.S. Federal Government’s A-H abstinence education guidelines. As an introduction, Chapter 1 explains the origins of the Sexual Revolution, its false assumptions as well as some of the 1

The Interreligious and International Federation for World Peace (IIFWP) is a 501-C-3 non-profit, non-sectarian, tax-exempt organization and is an NGO in Special Consultative Status with the Economic and Social Council of the United Nations.

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undesirable consequences of non-marital sex. Chapters 2 – 9 are each based directly on one of the eight U.S. government guidelines. (CLUE has changed the order of these guidelines to make a more effective teaching tool.) Chapter 10, the final chapter, shows the value of a public declaration and asks those graduating from the program to take the Pure Love Pledge. Some noteworthy aspects of CLUE are: • It is not a sex education program; it is an abstinence education program • There are no graphic sexual images—diseased or healthy—shown in class • The goal is to lower the rates of sexual diseases and teenage pregnancies through directly addressing non-marital sexual activity itself • The personal and social importance of marriage and family is highlighted • Character development teaches the value of living for others as the basis of emotional maturity • The presenters, often teenagers, all are deeply committed to maintaining an abstinent lifestyle • The program is very interactive • Students are asked to take the Pure Love Pledge at the conclusion of the program to affirm their commitment

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CLUE’s chapter-by-chapter correlation to the U.S. Federal Abstinence Education Guidelines Chapter Titles

U.S. Government Guideline (Italicized & Verbatim)2

The Revolution that Failed

Introduction

True Freedom

b) Teaches abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children;

The Abstinence Advantage

a) Has as its exclusive purpose, teaching the social, psychological and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity;

Confusion & Controversy

c) Teaches that abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexuallytransmitted diseases and other associated health problems;

Individual Consequences

e) Teaches that sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects;

Social Consequences

f) Teaches that bearing children out-of-wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the child’s parents and society;

Pure Love Livin’

g) Teaches young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increases vulnerability to sexual advances;

Character Counts

h) Teaches the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity;

Marriage Benefits

d) Teaches that a mutually faithful monogamous relation in the context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity;

10.

Graduation

“Pure Love Pledge”

Not original order.

Table of Contents

The Revolution that Failed............................................................................................. 1 PROMISCUOUS PROMISES ....................................................................................................2 Alfred Kinsey (1894-1956)......................................................................................................2 Hugh Hefner (1926- )...............................................................................................................3 THE CONSEQUENCES .............................................................................................................3 THE PROBLEM..........................................................................................................................4 THE SOLUTION.........................................................................................................................4

True Freedom.................................................................................................................. 6 CHOICES AND CONSEQUENCES ..........................................................................................7 SOCIETY’S CHOICES ...............................................................................................................7 MORAL STANDARDS ..............................................................................................................8

The Abstinence Advantage........................................................................................... 12 CHOOSING ABSTINENCE .....................................................................................................13 Individual Benefits.................................................................................................................13 Family Benefits......................................................................................................................14 Society Benefits .....................................................................................................................15 SECONDARY VIRGINITY: CHOOSING ABSTINENCE AGAIN......................................15

Confusion & Controversy ............................................................................................ 18 CONTROVERSY ......................................................................................................................19 In America .............................................................................................................................19 In Africa .................................................................................................................................19 CONFUSION.............................................................................................................................20 AS SIMPLE AS ABC................................................................................................................21

Individual Consequences.............................................................................................. 22 RISKS AND REWARDS ..........................................................................................................23 HARMFUL PHYSICAL EFFECTS..........................................................................................23 Danger: Do Not Enter!...........................................................................................................24 What if?..................................................................................................................................25 EMOTIONAL RISKS ...............................................................................................................25

Social Consequences ..................................................................................................... 30 COSTLY SOCIAL CONSEQUENCES ....................................................................................31 THE FAMILY: A PROTECTIVE WOMB ...............................................................................32 THE FAMILY: THE SCHOOL OF LOVE...............................................................................33 Sexual Love ...........................................................................................................................33 Social Love ............................................................................................................................33 THE FAMILY: THE UNIVERSITY of SOCIAL HARMONY ...............................................34

Pure Love Livin’............................................................................................................ 36 DATING DILEMMAS..............................................................................................................37 Avoiding Unwanted Sexual Advances ..................................................................................38 Living a Pure Love Lifestyle .................................................................................................39 SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND ABSTINENCE...........................................................................39

Character Counts.......................................................................................................... 42 BUILDING BLOCKS OF MARRIAGE ...................................................................................43 GOOD CHARACTER...............................................................................................................44 Virtues and Vices...................................................................................................................45 Love and Infatuation ..............................................................................................................46 GOODNESS ..............................................................................................................................46 EMOTIONAL MATURITY & ABSTINENCE........................................................................47

Marriage Benefits.......................................................................................................... 50 COHABITATION .....................................................................................................................51 Shaky Unions .........................................................................................................................51 Associated Risks ....................................................................................................................52 SEXUAL INTIMACY...............................................................................................................52 Sex, Pleasure and Virtue ........................................................................................................53 A Public Celebration..............................................................................................................53 The Rewards ..........................................................................................................................54

Graduation..................................................................................................................... 56 A REVOLUTION OF VALUES ...............................................................................................57 PRACTICAL WAYS TO PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE.........................................................58 THE PURE LOVE PLEDGE.....................................................................................................59

Bibliography .................................................................................................................. 60

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Chapter 1

The Revolution that Failed Lesson Objectives: Students will learn that the promises of the sexual revolution were very different than the results Students will learn that the philosophy behind the Sexual Revolution tried to justify sex for personal pleasure Students will learn that the real problem was taking human sexuality outside of marriage; the sexual diseases and nonmarital pregnancies are symptoms Students will learn that the United States Government has introduced abstinence education in public schools and is encouraging all school children to be sexually abstinent

PROMISCUOUS PROMISES Maybe you have heard of the "Sexual Revolution." This refers to a time period in the 1960s when traditional ideas about sexual relationships (particularly the idea that they should only take place within marriage) changed a great deal. The Sexual Revolution promised more freedom and better relationships between men and women. Yet the results of this revolution turned out to be very different. There were two main architects of the Sexual Revolution: Alfred Kinsey and Hugh Hefner. These two men changed attitudes, norms, sexual behavior and laws worldwide. Kinsey believed that all sexual desires were natural and that holding such desires back was unhealthy. He tried to prove this scientifically. Hefner sold sexually enticing photos in a glossy magazine and talked about the "Playboy philosophy" which also saw sexual restraints as unnecessary. Both of these men believed that it was healthier to remove any limits on sexual expression—even self-control and marriage--and that people would be happier and freer if they did. Let's look at the influence of these advocates of free sex and their impact on society. This will be valuable in understanding the ideas about sexuality that exist in our culture today that may affect the choices we make in our lives.

Alfred Kinsey (1894-1956) The seeds of free sex were planted in America in the late 1940s and early 1950s, just after the end of WWII. In 1948 Kinsey published a book, “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male,” and earned the title, “The Father of the Sexual Revolution.” Kinsey’s report was like a moral tsunami! It was given national and international media attention and everyone believed it. Kinsey’s most significant—and damaging—ideas were: 1) Sexual desires should not, in fact, cannot be controlled 2) Having sex outside of marriage would have no personal or social consequences.3 Over time, Kinsey's study has been discredited.4 Other scientists are speaking up to say he was wrong.5 However, the Kinsey Report had enormous impact and his ideas have spread around the world. Kinsey's ideas have influenced Court legislation liberalizing sex, marriage and family laws and have spread to many countries worldwide.6

R.S.V.P. America: Restoring Social Virtue and Purity to America (1996). Gwinn, et al. (1992), p. 881. 5 Reisman (1998). 6 Ibid. 4

Hugh Hefner (1926- ) Hugh Hefner was a college student at the time Kinsey’s report was published. He believed Kinsey’s flawed thinking that there would be no personal or social consequences of sex outside of marriage. On this false assumption, he founded Playboy magazine in 1953. The philosophy of Playboy magazine fueled the Sexual Revolution. Therefore, it is important to understand their justification for taking sex outside marriage. This was explained by Hefner himself when he said, “If we recognize [sex] as not necessarily limited to procreation, then we should also acknowledge openly that it is not necessarily limited to love either.”7 To “procreate” means to have children. So the founder of Playboy magazine said that sex was more important than the children born from that union. That’s amazing! Even more amazing he said that sex was beyond the love for the other person. Wow! That’s why Playboy magazine encouraged men to look at women as objects of their own personal pleasure, not as mothers, sisters, wives or teachers—just sex objects. In fact, he likened women to animals—"bunnies." Hefner said that sex should not be limited to having children or even creating love; they were seen as restrictions or limitations. But, if not for the children and not for the partner, then who is sex for? According to the Playboy philosophy, sex is for the sake of sex itself—for personal pleasure. The American Heritage Dictionary defines “selfish” as “concerned chiefly or only with oneself.”8 That’s why the term free sex is not really accurate. What adjective would you place before the word sex to accurately describe it, when sex is concerned chiefly or only with oneself, when personal enjoyment is placed above the well-being and happiness of others? If we take love, commitment, relationships, children and family away from sexuality, then it means we are taking all the personal things away, things that make sexuality meaningful, special, unique, exciting and enduring. Without a relationship devoted to the other person, sex becomes boring. People get tired of each other and change partners easily. That’s why the best sexual relationships take place within a union where two people are deeply committed to each other, to their children and to their marriage.

THE CONSEQUENCES Since the 1960s, the rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and non-marital teen pregnancies began to rise alarmingly because of the Sexual Revolution. Many reputable institutions, governmental and private, as well as health care professionals, thought sex education and contraception were the solutions to the growing problem of STIs and unintended pregnancies. Starting in the 1960s and over the next few decades, condom-based education programs in public schools became the standard in the United States.9

Hefner, p. 3. The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition (2000). 9 Four institutions: The Kinsey Institute (provided the “scientific” data), Playboy (the finances), Planned Parenthood (the social network of NGOs) and SIECUS (the outreach to government organizations) worked together and held a monopoly that “imprinted the new variant standard in almost all of sex education curricula in the nation’s schools.” See: R.S.V.P. America: Restoring Social Virtue and Purity to America (1996), p. 19. 8

The goals were good: to reduce the risk of sexual diseases and lower the rate of out-of-wedlock pregnancies. Well-meaning educators may have thought they were providing safeguards to adolescents and solving an escalating social problem. But the problem kept getting worse. Between the 1950s and the 1990s the rates of out-of-wedlock pregnancies for girls 15-19 years old in the US increased over 300 percent.10 The rates of STIs for the same period were more alarming. The number of cases of gonorrhea (an STI) for children ages 10-14 increased over 360 percent.11 And after several decades of emphasis on sex education and contraception, the statistics are still frightening: •

More than 3 million teens acquire a new STI every year,12

•

There are nearly 1 million teen pregnancies annually and “teen pregnancy rates are much higher in the United States than in many other developed countries—twice as high as in England and Wales or Canada, and nine times as high as in the Netherlands or Japan.”13

THE PROBLEM Adolescents were given the message that sex outside of marriage was okay as long as it was disease-free and didn't produce a baby. But sex is the most powerful personal relationship two people can have. A lot of the times, even if disease and pregnancy are avoided, people in unmarried sexual relationships suffer a lot of bitter consequences, some of them psychological. Dr. Thomas Lickona, the leading character educator and a developmental psychologist in America, advises teenagers and educators that, "Sex is not for kids, and abstaining from sexual relationships is in the best interests of teenagers themselves and society at large. The challenge now before schools is to help young people make the moral decision not to be sexually involved."14

THE SOLUTION Educators and social scientists now understand that the escalating rates of sexual diseases and out-of-wedlock pregnancies were not the real problems; they were symptoms of a greater problem. The real problem was taking human sexuality outside of its committed, relational context of marriage. Therefore, trying to make sex medically safe was not the answer to America’s moral crisis.

Ibid., p. 4. Data from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and Statistical Abstracts of the U.S. Ibid. 12 Teen Sex and Pregnancy (1999). 13 Ibid. 14 Lickona (1992), p. 17. 11

The United States is learning from its mistakes and trying to change—but it’s very difficult. In 1996 the Federal Guidelines for Abstinence Education was signed into law.15 No sex outside of marriage was put as the gold standard. Students are now taught that “abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage [is] the expected standard for all school-age children.”16 Each of the next eight chapters of CLUE focuses on one guideline. You will learn that sex outside marriage is likely to have harmful consequences, physical and emotional, for the people involved, their children (if conceived), and for society. You will also understand that the key to the healthiest, happiest sexual relationship is refraining from sex before marriage and being faithful to your spouse once married. Please learn from America’s mistake.

This CLUE curriculum is the first educational program designed exclusive on a chapter-by-chapter basis incorporating all eight federal guidelines. 16 For all eight guidelines see SPRANS Community-Based Abstinence Education Project Grant Program (2002).

CHAPTER 2

True Freedom U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn that freedom is based on making right choices, not just having the ability to choose.

Students will learn that societies, like individuals, make choices that form social norms and standards ensuring social freedom.

Students will learn that the United States government has set sexual abstinence as an expected standard for all school-age children.

Students will learn that all the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s religions speak in unison to warn about the dangers of misusing human sexuality.

CHOICES AND CONSEQUENCES What is freedom? Students usually reply, “Freedom means I can do anything I want.” That is partly true. Webster defines freedom as “being able to act or move without hindrance or restraint.”17 People, unlike other animals, make choices in life beyond the instinctual natures we were born with. These choices determine who we become, what we do, how we live our lives, and how we interact with others. Human beings fully participate in their own development through choices they make. In other words, we have been given responsibility for our own maturity. Being responsible gives us the potential for true freedom, greater than any other animal. However, it is important to note that there is a big difference between the freedom to choose and being free. True freedom requires making the right choices—it is not just having the ability to choose.

Freedom depends on right choices because, although we are free to choose, we are not free to choose the consequences. For instance, a person is free, in most cases, to choose what he or she eats. You can choose to eat only potato chips, fries, cake, pies and soda. You are free to do that. But you are not free of the consequences of eating like that, which are part of the natural consequences and cannot be changed. If you eat nothing but unhealthy foods like those mentioned above, you would likely suffer the consequences of tooth decay and weight problems: you will get cavities and you will get fat. Over a long period of time, your body will not be nourished properly and you may develop other serious health problems. These are the consequences of choosing to eat the wrong foods. In this case, by making wrong choices you lose the freedom of good health. What are some examples of good choices that you might make that will enhance your freedom? What are some bad choices that will take away your freedom?

SOCIETY’S CHOICES Just as individuals make choices, society also makes choices. And like us, when societies make the right choices, social freedoms are enhanced. These choices become social standards and are expressed in many forms: moral values, ethical norms, safety codes and civil laws. Some examples are: fire codes, environmental standards, automobile safety standards, aviation standards and the national constitution.

Webster’s Third New International Dictionary (1971), p. 905.

To be effective, these standards need to be clearly spelled out, evaluated and monitored. Safety standards are not arbitrary or lenient; they are quite strict and unyielding. Why? They are meant to protect public safety.

Standards protect the freedom and safety of everyone. Just as standards in the construction and transportation industries are important, society also needs basic norms of behavior, or codes of conduct. Standards are different from facts and preferences.18 Facts describe things the way they are. For example: The sky is blue, or Grass is green. Preferences, on the other hand, express our fondness for certain things, e.g., our favorite movie or flavor of ice cream. Standards, however, have an oughtness to them. These are things we ought to do, even if we don’t want to or we don’t feel like it. These are standards set by society for the benefit of everyone: that’s why they are expected. Does this mean everyone will automatically follow them? Not always; remember each individual is responsible to make right choices. For example, just posting speed limits does not prevent speeding. Yet, even though some people may speed, we don’t tear down the road signs, discard traffic laws, close the courts and disband the police. We enforce standards; most people obey them; and standards help keep everyone safer. A simple example is a traffic light. Red means stop and green means go; that’s the standard. If people go forward on the red light, they will crash into the people who are coming down the road crossing their path. Of course, people are free to disobey traffic lights if they wish; but once again, they are not free to choose the consequences. The consequence of going through a red light is, in all likelihood, an automobile accident. With this comes a loss of freedom: cars are damaged, sometimes people are hurt, traffic gets snarled, driving licenses are taken away, and insurance companies impose higher rates on their customers. Think of some common examples of standards for behavior that keep us safe and help things move along better in society.

MORAL STANDARDS Moral values are society’s safety standards. These explain how human beings should relate to each other. What would happen if society had no standards or if social standards were lax or lenient? After decades of being unable to bring down the rates of sexual diseases and out-of-wedlock pregnancies, the United States Government finally realized the problem was not diseases and non-marital conceptions—those were mere symptoms. The Sexual Revolution, in essence, removed the standards of human sexual activity that protected both individuals and society at 18

Cole and Duran (1998), p. 23.

large. So, in 1996, the U.S. Congress attempted to restore a protective standard through declaring “abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school-age children.”19 Often, moral standards originally come from religions. Many different religions have held this standard—abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage—for thousands of years. They speak with one voice on the misfortune that follows such immoral relationships. Holy scriptures have clearly worded warnings about the dangers of misusing sex.20 These are like “WARNING LABELS” that are placed on consumer products that could be misused or are in anyway dangerous. Like the warning labels on commercial goods; notice that these scriptural verses below are pretty stern. Some of them are scary. But sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and hearts and emotions damaged by uncommitted sexual relationships are scary too. Fear of real danger is good; it protects us from doing things that will hurt us.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Christianity: I Corinthians 6:18 Do not commit adultery (The Ten Commandments) Judaism and Christianity: Exodus 20:14 [The man] who goes to the wife of another… digs up the very roots of life. Buddhism: Dhammapada 18:247 It is better to die than to indulge in partaking of forbidden lustful pleasure… Jainism: Uttarangasutram 22.42 Approach not fornication; surely it is an indecency and evil as a way. Islam: Quran 17:34 From lustful passions comes the confusion of the mind, then loss of memory, then negligence of duty. From this loss comes the ruin of reason and the ruin of reason leads to destruction. Hinduism: Bhagavad Gita 2:63

19 20

SPRANS Community-Based Abstinence Education Project Grant Program (2002). Abstinence is taught in scriptures of all the world’s religions. When the U.S. Supreme Count prohibited prayer in public school settings, it noted with concern that, “It might well be said that one’s education is not complete without a study of comparative religion or the history of religion and its relationship to the advancement of civilization.” (School District of Abington TP, Pennsylvania v. Schempp: Murray v. Curlett Supreme Count of the United States, 1963.)

All religions have believed for thousands of years that only sex within marriage is proper, it is important to respect that. Throughout most of human history and in most human societies, this has been an expected social standard. When this sacred relationship is used properly, it protects individuals and benefits families and societies. Human sexuality kept within the bonds of marriage is the safest, healthiest and most pleasurable. For this reason wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it be good if all people, not just school age children, held to this standard?

CHAPTER 3

The Abstinence Advantage U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches the social, psychological and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn that abstinence means avoiding all sexual activities.

Students will learn that abstinence benefits them, their families, and society.

Students will learn that abstinence is always a choice.

CHOOSING ABSTINENCE Let’s begin by defining terms. What is abstinence? The Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada has set a clear, precise definition:

Abstinence: avoiding all sexual activities that lead to an exchange of bodily fluids.21 So abstinence is avoiding sexual activity. It is something you don’t do. It means you don’t have sexual activity outside of marriage. Yet, just because you are not doing something—giving something up, in other words—that does not mean you are going to lose out. Let’s be clear: abstinence is a sacrifice. However, it is vital that we look at the benefits of being abstinent, because people don’t mind making sacrifices if they know they will benefit later. This type of sacrifice is called delayed gratification. You give up something temporarily, for greater returns later. Students are not asked to live a lifetime of celibacy; they are being asked to delay sexual activity for a limited period of time. It’s a powerful motivator to know that the individual who makes the sacrifice will benefit later on in life; it is even more powerful when we realize that others also will benefit from our sacrifices. It is natural and good to sacrifice for others. Does this happen in the animal world? Can you think of others who have sacrificed for your benefit? The benefits of abstinence need to be clear, especially the benefits that your sacrifice gives to others. Let’s examine three areas—the individual, the family and society—to show how each benefits from delaying sexual activities until marriage.

Individual Benefits It is important to make right decisions. Not only does freedom come from making the right choice, but also wrong decisions may lead to a loss of freedom. Can you think of decisions you might make that would cause you or someone else to lose his or her freedom? This was discussed in a previous chapter. Some examples were losing health and freedom of movement by choosing to eat unhealthy foods and gaining weight; or by disobeying traffic laws and snarling up traffic by the accidents that follow, et cetera. The reasons to wait to have sex until marriage go beyond reasons like: Don’t get a disease, Don’t die, Don’t hurt yourself emotionally, and Don’t get caught. These reasons are all important and 21

Glossary.

valuable. Yet the advantages of delaying sexual activity until marriage go far beyond selfpreservation. These include: •

Character Development: Those who are not sexually active can devote more time and energy to developing character, talents, and career options. The emotional roller coaster of on-again and off-again relationships can be devastating. Choosing to become sexually active can damage your ability to love; it can degrade your emotional self-worth and distort interpersonal relationships through jealousy, wondering if someone really likes you or is just trying to use you, wondering if someone is just a friend or more than a friend or competing with you for someone's attention, et cetera.

•

True, Lasing Friendships: All of your friends can remain just that—friends. Instead of investing your time and energy in a one-on-one intimate relationship at such a young age, you are free to make a wide variety of lifelong friends. They can be like brothers and sisters to you—almost like members of your own family. Making the commitment of abstinence and keeping to it takes enormous pressure off you.

•

Preparation for Marriage: Marriage is more about abstinence than sex. When you say, “I do” to one person, then in order to make that relationship absolutely unique you are, in essence, saying, “I don’t” to everyone else. In this way, the power of your first love will be tremendous and unforgettable. It should be that way: unique, everlasting and something that continually strengthens the marriage relationship. If your first love is your only love, there are no flashbacks, or comparisons to previous relationships, to haunt your marriage.

Family Benefits When a son or daughter decides to avoid all sexual activities until marriage, would the parents be happy or sad? Knowing the advantages of abstinence as well as the dangers and damages of premarital sexual activity, no good parents would ever encourage their child to be sexually active before marriage. But this is only part of the story. It is easy to see the advantage of having strong family ties. “One of the most consistent observations reported by social scientists who study school achievement” in the US is the fact Asian-American do “substantially better” than Caucasians, Africa-Americans and Latinos.22 Why is this? What is the strength of the Asian-American communities that allows their children to outperform their classmates? It lies in the strong family ties. “Traditional Asian culture emphasizes the collective unit, such as the family unit, instead of the individual.” Children are brought up

Steinberg, et al. (1996), p. 31.

realizing “that individual behavior and actions not only reflect the individual but the entire family system and ancestral lineage.”23 This interconnectedness between parents and children, and between grandparents and grandchildren supports and nourishes children. It is not only that in marriage [children] have more emotional and financial resources available, important as these things are. When… a couple is stable and secure, the emotional strength is transferred to the children… They come from relationships and flourish best when those relationships are good… Thus, the generations form a braided cord.24 Multiple sexual partners unravel that ancestral cord, weakening the family unit as a whole as well as the bonds of love among family members.

Society Benefits Marital love is the pillar of family stability, which in turn is the center of society. Communities where two-parent families are the norm have lower crime rates, more marriages, prospering businesses, higher property values, better schools, children with higher educational achievements, fewer welfare dependents, and a larger tax base and better public services.25 Society clearly benefits from stable families. Dr. J.D. Unwin, a British social anthropologist spent seven years studying the rise and fall of 80 civilizations. His research showed that When a man is devoted to one woman and one family, he is motivated to build, save, protect, plan and prosper on their behalf. However, when his sexual interests are dispersed and generalized, his effort is invested in the gratification of [personal] sexual desires.26 Dr. Unwin concluded: “Any human society is free either to display great energy or to enjoy sexual freedom; the evidence is that they cannot do both for more than one generation.”27 Put another way, Dr. Lickona observed, “sexual self-control is essential for civilization.”28

SECONDARY VIRGINITY: CHOOSING ABSTINENCE AGAIN 23

Flanagan, p. 12. Hargrave (2000). 25 Fagan (1997), pp. 9, 10. 26 Dobson (1994), p. 7. 27 Ibid. 28 Lickona (1994), p. 37. 24

Abstinence is more than virginity. It’s about character development; it’s about learning to be unselfish, and it’s about preparing for marriage and doing the best you can to help your family, community and nation. No matter what your past, you can make a new beginning for yourself and others around you. If you chose to be sexually active, you can also choose to be abstinent again and to regain your virtue. How do you make a new start? It is not always easy, but there is one thing that will definitely help. The most encouraging success rates for people who choose secondary virginity are when that new commitment is rooted in a religious conviction.29 This adds a stronger emotional dimension to the commitment and provides a supportive community to encourage and help them. Not only is this true for those renewing their commitment to abstinence, but a religious commitment also helps protect a person’s original purity. The strongest reason that young men and women gave for not being sexually active “is that having sex would be against their religious or moral values.”30 One website devoted to helping teens restore their purity indicates that there are several dimensions to the process. They include: repentance, honesty, forgiveness, and serious lifestyle changes. (The numbers below were not part of the original text; they were added to emphasize a multi-step process.) Noting that it is not magic, this internet site advises that: One must (1) be truly sorry, (2) understanding the hurt that has been caused [to you and others]… (3) sincerely desire forgiveness... And, (4) most importantly, one must also seriously re-commit him/herself to a life of chastity (refraining from sexual activity outside of marriage)….31 In renewing your commitment to virginity you are taking responsibility of your life and your heart, and whatever your past may have been. It’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself, your future family and your community. Once that decision is made, be committed to keep it. The protection and benefits of abstinence will begin to grow in your life and will become more powerful over time.

Fagan (1996), p. 2. General Facts and Stats: What helps prevent teen pregnancy? (2004). 31 Hill, p. 1. 30

CHAPTER 4

Confusion & Controversy U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches that abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and other associated health problems

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn that condom usage has not lowered the rates of sexually transmitted diseases and out-of-wedlock pregnancies in America.

Students will learn that condom usage has not lowered the rates of HIV/AIDS in Africa.

Students will learn that there are serious emotional risks to premarital sex.

Students will learn that it is confusing and misleading to associate safety with condom usage.

Students will learn that rather than "sex education" they should be taught "abstinence education."

CONTROVERSY A condom is worn by a man during sex to prevent pregnancy or the spread of a disease. They are inexpensive, easily available and widely used. However, their use and effectiveness are both hotly debated. But there is one thing everyone agrees to: condoms are not 100 percent effective.

In America Dr. Joe McIlhaney agonized over the fates of many young girls who came to him in tears and despair. Advanced stages of some sexual diseases required surgery to remove their reproductive organs. He could save their lives, but they would be forever infertile. This means that they would never be able to have children. "If only they knew the dangers sexual diseases posed," he thought, "They would change their behavior." From this concern, The Medical Institute was born. Dr. McIlhaney left a thriving practice as an obstetrician and gynecologist in Austin, Texas to establish this institute realizing that prevention is better than a cure. From a purely medical perspective, the greater availability of condoms has not been effective in controlling the epidemic of sexual diseases in the United States. Dr. McIlhaney lamented over this fact, saying, For the past two decades, sex education in America has been built upon this premise: if you’re going to have sex at an early age, contraception and condoms will keep you safe. Meanwhile, both non-marital pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection rates among young people have exploded.32

In Africa Condoms have not worked in lowering the rates of HIV/AIDS in Africa either. Look at the table below: Country

Benin Botswana Cameroon Ghana Kenya Senegal 32

Males 15 – 49 in 1995 (thousands) 1,263,000 356,000 3,280,000 4,424,000 6,666,000 2,091,000

Avg. annual Avg. condoms HIV condoms per yr./male Prevalence 1989–2000 15 – 49 (%) 4,065,408 3 2 2,436,232 7 36 10,378,900 3 8 9,901,068 2 4 42,391,034 6 14 5,513,517 3 1

McIlhaney (2000).

South Africa 11,645,000 76,284,892 Tanzania 7,603,000 27,217,215 Uganda 4,740,000 16,702,846 Zambia 2,280,000 12,131,695 Zimbabwe 2,826,000 29,149,405 Source: DKT International (condom manufacturer)

7 4 4 5 10

20 16 6 20 25

The math is simple. The adult male population (column 2) is divided by the number of condoms distributed annually (column 3). The results (column 4) are the average number of condoms available per male 15-49 years old, per year. The fifth column is the national HIV prevalence rates. These are the percentages of the population infected with the human immunodeficiency virus, which later turns into AIDS. Please note: The countries with the three highest rates of condom availability--Botswana, South Africa and Zimbabwe (highlighted in red)--have the three highest rates of HIV/AIDS. Additionally, the four countries with the lowest rates of condom availability, Benin, Cameroon, Ghana and Senegal (highlighted in blue) have three of the four lowest rates of HIV infections. This seems to show that having more condoms in a country does not lower the rate of the spread of the disease. Dr. Norman Hearst, Director of the International Program for AIDS Prevention Studies at the University of California San Francisco is concerned because, “Data from several African countries suggests that simply increasing the availability of condoms has not resulted in the expected decreases of HIV prevalence.”33 Dr. Edward Green, an anthropologist from the Harvard Center for Population and Development Studies who set up condom distribution programs in the Caribbean and Africa, was more forthright, saying, “This strategy [the mass marketing of condoms] has had no appreciable impact on reducing HIV prevalence in Africa…”34 The long and short of it is that condoms have not been effective in reducing the spread of sexual diseases among the general population. They have not been effective in either America or Africa.

CONFUSION Emotions associated with human sexual activity are very powerful. Sex affects the human mind and heart as well as the human body. It was designed to be connected to love. Sex binds two people together, so closely that it is painful for the two to break apart. Therefore, sex is meant to take place only within an atmosphere of true, committed love. This means marriage. When sex is separated from true, committed love, as it is in pre-marital relationships, there are risks of damage to the mind and the heart. According to Dr. Thomas Lickona, these risks include: regret,

33 34

Green, et al. (2005), p. v. Ibid., p. iii.

heartbreak, guilt and shame, loss of self-respect, fear of commitment, anxiety from fear of disease or pregnancy, rage over betrayal and depression or suicide.35 It has been pointed out that even if condoms were totally effective in preventing disease and unwanted pregnancy, there is no condom for the human heart. The psychological and emotional damage caused by uncommitted sexual relationships is very real. For years, having sex with condoms was incorrectly called “safe sex.” More recently, and in an attempt to correct this error, it is called “safer sex,” meaning safer than unprotected sex. But this too is misleading. The safest, most natural sex does not depend on a latex barrier. The safest sex is the exclusive relationship of one man and one woman in marriage. Dr. Green says, “People [may] feel safer than they ought to when using condoms…”36 This might encourage people to have sex outside marriage.

AS SIMPLE AS ABC There is only one country in the world that substantially reduced the rates of HIV/AIDS infection: that’s Uganda. 37 They developed an indigenous model, meaning it was “Made in Africa by Africans.” It is called the ABC model. Here “A” stands for Abstinence, “B” for Be faithful, and “C” for Condoms (used correctly and consistently). “Research demonstrates that the Uganda ABC model… is the most effective, least expensive HIV/AIDS prevention strategy.”38 How does it work? Importantly, an equal emphasis was not given to each component. Ugandans put the primary emphasis on “A” and “B” making this the only message promoted publicly by the government and religious organizations that worked closely together. Condoms were permitted under a Policy of Silent Promotion.39 This means they were not allowed to be publicly promoted because that would violate some religious beliefs and would encourage risky sex behavior. That means people would have sex at younger ages and with multiple partners, all because they think they’re safe. HIV/AIDS, however, is more of a moral than a medical problem. In conclusion: Human sexuality is normal, healthy and safest within the bonds of marriage. Abstinence before marriage is also normal, healthy and doable. It is also “the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and other associated health problems” according to the US abstinence education guidelines.

Lickona (1994). Green, et al. (2005), p. 17. 37 Green (2003), p. 6. 38 Green, et al. (2005), p. iv. 39 Dyer (2003), p. 18. 36

CHAPTER 5

Individual Consequences U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches that sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn that sex outside marriage is risky and that they should know the risks because the decision is theirs and theirs alone.

Students will learn that harmful physical effects of sexual activity outside of marriage.

Students will be encouraged to stop all sexual activity outside of marriage, get a medical check-up, and notify their partner(s) about the results.

Students will learn the harmful psychological effects of sexual activity outside marriage.

RISKS AND REWARDS Great explorers and inventors in history have taken risks. Businessmen take risks and often reap financial rewards. Politicians also take risks when running for office. Risks are measured in terms of investment and returns. In other words, the person taking the risk looks at what might be lost and weighs that against what might be gained. If he or she decides the losses the risk involves are too great, he or she does not take the risk. Ultimately, no one can stop you from having sex. You are the person making that decision. Is pre-marital sex worth the risk? You decide. As you weigh the risks of whether or not to have sex before marriage, please remember: Many STIs are contagious even if there are no visible symptoms, especially in the initial stages. HIV/AIDS, for instance, may be without symptoms for years. Approximately 80% of people, who have a sexual disease, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know it.40 Some STIs can be passed from one partner to another without having sex; they are transmitted by skin-to-skin contact. New strains of STIs are continually being discovered, (since 1980 eight new STIs have been identified41) while others are becoming resistant to medication. Today there are 35-50 known STIs (in the 1950s there were primarily two: gonorrhea and syphilis). Youth, especially girls, are vulnerable: 63%, nearly two thirds, of all STI infections are to persons under the age of 25 years old. Your partner may not be telling the truth about whether they have been sexually active or have acquired a disease.

HARMFUL PHYSICAL EFFECTS There are basically two types of sexually transmitted diseases: viral and bacterial. Viral infections are incurable. That means that, once infected, you will have the disease for the rest of your life. Bacterial infections are curable, but the damage may be irreversible. In other words, even though the bacteria may be destroyed, the harm it caused might not be able to be repaired. The example mentioned earlier is a case in point. A woman may be cured from a serious bacterial infection but unable to conceive or bear children for the rest of her life.

40 41

Is Sex Safe? A Look at Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Medical Updates: Frequently Asked Questions (1997).

A US government report entitled Tracking the Hidden Epidemics: Trends in STIs in the United States highlights the magnitude of many of the most common sexually transmitted diseases: There are more than 65 million Americans currently living with an incurable sexually transmitted disease. The latest estimates indicate that each year approximately 15 million people become newly infected…. Of those infections, 25% occur in teenagers.42 In order to understand the magnitude of the problem of STIs, let's look at some figures. 12 million Americans are newly infected each year; 3 million are teenagers and 7 million are in their twenties AIDS is the leading killer of Americans between ages 25 to 44 years old; as of June 1997, 385,968 have died from AIDS43 When we realize that in the Vietnam War (1965-1973) 47,393 Americans were killed,44 we can see how serious this problem of HIV/AIDS is. Statistics from the one-page handout, “Infections, Symptoms and Risks,” list seven STIs. It points out that the impact on women from some of these diseases is “particularly severe.”45 This is because the risk of complications to a woman’s delicate reproductive system is much greater and several infections can go undetected for years.46

Danger: Do Not Enter! Why is it so easy to get infected with a sexual disease? In reality, it is much easier to get infected with a sexual disease than it is to get pregnant. There are three main reasons: 1. Sperm have a small target. They have to locate and fertilize a single egg in a short period of time. By comparison germs that cause STIs have a huge target— anywhere on the sexual organ, either outside or inside. 2. Unlike the sperm and egg, germs can reproduce themselves. 3. Pregnancy can occur only a few days a month, but you can contract an STI any time of the day, and any day of the year.47 Our sexual organs are very, very fertile. They need to be, because that is where human life begins. The entire sexual area, especially the internal membranes which are warm, dark and moist, are ideal for conceiving and nurturing new life when it is most vulnerable. But, our private 42

Tracking the Hidden Epidemics: Trends in STDs in the United States. (2001). The World Almanac and Book of Facts 1999 (1998), p. 887. 44 Ibid., p. 209. 45 Is Sex Safe? A Look at Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). 46 Department of Health and Human Services. Data from: The Centers for Disease Control, the Department of Health & Human Services and the Office of Women’s Health. 47 Cole and Duran (1998), pp. 86-87. 43

parts are also ideal breeding grounds for germs, too. That’s why the best protection is to keep your purity. Sexual diseases are contagious. That means they are very easy to catch. Don’t risk your health and your future for a moment of selfish pleasure. Staying disease-free will be to your benefit and to the benefit of your future spouse and children (babies in the womb can catch these diseases from their mothers). Do you want to give your husband or wife, that special person who will be the love of your life, something used, dirty, or diseased? Obviously not. Have you ever seen an electrical power station? Because of the high voltage being generated or transmitted, it is a very dangerous area. If you got inside… one mistake and it could cost you your life. How do we protect people from this type of danger? We put up a tall fence that will prohibit anyone from entering. We have a security guard at the gate 24-hours a day. And we put signs all around, “Danger: Do Not Enter.” The warnings of medical doctors and the world's religions against pre-marital and extra-marital sex are like those "Danger: Do Not Enter" signs. They are there to protect you from harm.

What if? If for any reason you suspect that you may have an STI or may have been exposed to one, find out as soon as possible. Early detection can help prevent further complications for you and it can limit the spread of the disease to others. You owe it to yourself, to people you love, and to the health of others. In fact, you may be legally liable if you know you have a disease and continue having sex. If you’ve made a mistake in the past, don’t multiply it further: Stop all sexual activity. Immediately get a check-up. Notify your sexual partner(s).

EMOTIONAL RISKS Diseases can go undetected for years. Silent and unseen, they are, nevertheless, contagious and deadly. There is another invisible side to “free” sex. It is neither viral nor bacterial; it is emotional. It too can be as permanent as a virus and as deadly as AIDS. Please review the handout, “Psychological Effects of Pre-Marital Sex.” It shows the invisible but very real effects of premarital sex on your mind and heart. Why are the emotional consequences of sex outside marriage so risky, physically and emotionally? Love is the most powerful human emotion and the nature of love is to give

everything, literally everything. When you have sex, you are giving the most precious possession you own to that person. The nature of love is total giving, holding nothing back, and keeping no reserves. By opening yourself up in this way, you become completely vulnerable. Therefore, if that trusting love is broken you are utterly defenseless. This is because you have trusted, given everything and held nothing back. Because the psychological and emotional consequences from misusing love are so severe, love needs a strong commitment. That commitment must resemble the nature of love itselfâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;it must be selfless, total and unconditional. This is marriageâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;it is the commitment to love and be faithful to one another for a lifetime. Abstinence, therefore, is preparation for this commitment.

Infections, Symptoms and Risks48 INFECTION Syphilis (Bacterial)

SYMPTOMS 1st stage: Often unnoticed or swollen ulcers (not painful) on the sexual organs 2nd stage: fever, change of skin, enlarged lymph nodes

Chlamydia (Bacterial)

Usually there are no symptoms, however, there may be discharge or pain in the sexual organ.

Gonorrhea (Bacterial)

Pus-like discharge from the sexual organ, burning while urinating and pelvic pain for women

PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease)

Affects only women. Refers to the upper reproductive tracts infections in women caused by untreated or inadequately treated STIs. (See Gonorrhea and Chlamydia) Open sores at the point infection; continuous outbreak of painful blisters and ulcers on the body

Herpes (Viral)

HIV/AIDS (Viral) (Human Immunodeficiency Virus and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) HPV (Viral) (Human Papilloma virus)

Sore throat, fatigue, fever, swollen lymph glands; immune system breaks down

Often no symptoms. It may cause genital warts or (for women) burning, itching and pain in the vulva area.

Is Sex Safe? A Look at Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

RISKS Brain disorder, heart disease, blindness, dementia and death Rates of infection for women are twice as high as men age 15-19 African-American women have rates 7 times higher than the general female population Death of fetus or newborn in 40% of untreated women Most common bacterial STI in the U.S. 3-4 million infections annually Most common cause of sterility; if left untreated it may require the removal of uterus, tubes or ovaries 40% of cases among 15-19 year olds 75% women, 50% men â&#x20AC;&#x201C; no symptoms 50% of woman have no symptoms 1.1 million new cases annually Highest among females ages 15-19 and males ages 20-24 10-40% of women develop PID Affects more than 750,000 women annually Ectopic pregnancy â&#x20AC;&#x201C; the leading cause of pregnancy-related deaths Sterility (100,000 annually) and cancer are common No cure; periodic reoccurrence Requires lifetime medication Affects 30 million Americans; 75% without symptoms 1970-90 30% increase, fastest among teens Lies dormant for years Causes AIDS & death 1 million infected; 20% in the young adults Higher risk of acquiring HIV in the presence of other STIs Especially contagious at onset No cure 20-40 million people infected 60 different strains 33% of women have this virus Causes cervical cancer; 4,500 women die annually Most common STI for sexually active youth

Psychological Effects of Pre-Marital Sex49 Complications and Queries If the girl gets pregnant? - Will they get married? - Will they stay in school? - Will the girl become a single parent? - Will the child be aborted? - Will the child be given up for adoption?

Psychological Effects Emotional Stress

If I contract a sexual disease, or AIDS? - How will I tell my partner? - How will I tell my future partner(s)? - How will I tell my parents? - How will I pay the medical bills? - Will I die?

Fear

How will I handle on-again, off again relationships? - Dumping hurts people, especially if there is sexual involvement - Loss of virtues: respect for others, responsibility, honesty, caring - 80% of people with herpes feel “less confident” and “less desirable sexually” 50 - Lost opportunities to develop talents and interests; stunting personal development

Loss of Self-Respect and Self-Esteem

How will I handle coercive sex? - Girls are more vulnerable because they think of sex as a sign of commitment—consequently their regret is greater. - How do I deal with the feeling of being “used”? - Or, rage over the feeling of betrayal?

Regret and Rage

How will I handle the aftermath? - Love is a very power emotion. - The emotional aftermath of broken sexual relationships is very painful and hard to deal with. - The proper use of love brings joy; its misuse of love brings suffering.

Depression or Worse

Will this affect my standard of love? - Shaken trust and fear of future commitments - Debasement of sex: in marriage, sex is part of the total commitment of love; outside of marriage, sex is separated from the commitment of true love

Breakdown of Love

49 50

Lickona (1994), p. 38. Safe Sex: A Slide Program (1992).

CHAPTER 6

Social Consequences U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches that bearing children out-of-wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s parents and society.

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn the costly consequences of bearing children out-of-wedlock.

Students will learn the function and purpose of the family: namely, that it protects, nurtures and prepares children for productive, harmonious social relationships.

Students will learn the importance and function of the loving two-parent family in developing healthy sexual attitudes and loving interpersonal relationships.

When an airplane crashes, two things need to be done. First, the survivors require immediate medical attention. Second, there is an extensive investigation to discover the cause of the accident. Both are necessary, but only accurate understanding of the cause of the crash will prevent further disasters. This chapter will examine the social costs of free sex and, even more important, explain how future disasters can be prevented.

COSTLY SOCIAL CONSEQUENCES When marriages break apart or when families fail to form, children suffer the most; they are the innocent victims. That’s unfortunate, but very true. “The overall effects of out-of-wedlock births and divorce are all negative….”51 Some of these harmful consequences52 include: Lowered birth weight for newborns (Why do you think this is important?) Increased behavior problems Lowered educational achievement Lowered job attainment Increased risk of being physically or sexually abused53 Children are the survivors; they must be cared for. But just providing the needed social services will not prevent future tragedies. If nothing is done, children from divorced parents are more likely to become unwed teen mothers54 and twice as likely to live together without getting married.55 This is called cohabitation and as we will see in Chapter 9 it also carries harmful risks. The really sad part is that much of the costs and more importantly the damaging consequences are, in the words of The Centers for Disease Control, “preventable.”56 But what are the costs to society when sexual activity is taken outside marriage? “Nearly 80 percent of long term child poverty occurs in broken or never-married families.”57 Annually the US government spends approximately $150 billion on single parent families.58 (What is the gross national product of your country?) After four decades of thinking that sex could be separated from marriage without social consequences, Americans now know the costs are devastating; they are “squandering our valuable resources.”59 But why are the consequences of family breakdown so harmful? Why is the family so important? 51

Fagan (1994). Fagan (1999a). 53 Fagan (1997), pp. 9, 10. 54 Thornton (1991). 55 Ibid. 56 Department of Health and Human Services. 57 Rector (2005). 58 Ibid. 59 Mann and et al. (2000). 52

THE FAMILY: A PROTECTIVE WOMB We live for about nine months in our mother’s womb. In that special environment we are protected and nurtured. We are being prepared to live on our own outside our mother’s womb. In many ways, the family is also like a womb. Just as our physical bodies develop in the womb for a limited time, so too our characters mature through the interaction of family members. Families are best equipped to look after our physical needs, providing food, shelter and clothing. This is because when parents love their children they would “identify with the child and be willing to sacrifice for that child.” 60 This also “reduces the likelihood that either parent would abuse the child.”61 In addition, scientific studies have shown that a loving two-parent family “protects adolescents from sexual activity and its associated risks.”62 Fatherly love protects a daughter for two reasons. 63 First, the girl is loved by a man—her father. She is, therefore, not starving for masculine attention. If she were, then she would be more vulnerable. Let’s say you haven’t eaten for three days. You feel you’re almost staving to death. Wouldn’t you be more likely to rummage through the garbage in search of food? Girls who are not loved by their fathers are more likely to run after garbage love. Secondly, if the girl is loved by a man, her father, then she has a litmus test—a clear standard. If a boy tries to sweet talk her, saying, “I love you,” she can ask, “When you use this word ‘love,’ I know what it means, but are we speaking the same language? My father loves my mother; that means he married her and is committed to make their marriage work. Is that what you mean when you use the ‘L’ word?” For young men, “fathers serve as role models, advisers, and authority figures during a turbulent time of life.”64 Authority and strength is coupled with responsibility and caring as fathers teach children values while providing moral leadership for the family. The presence of a responsible father in the life of a son “makes a significant difference in later developmental and behavioral issues.”65 Not only are children protected, but society too benefits from stable family environments. Children raised in the love of two parents do better in school, are less likely to engage in delinquent or criminal behavior, and more likely to be productive, contributing members of society.66

McLanahan and Sandefur (1994), p. 34. Ibid. 62 Comment: Teens from Two-Parent Families are Significantly Less Likely to be Sexually Active (2000), p. 1. 63 Whitehead (1994). 64 Matthews (1998). 65 Ibid. 66 Fagan (1999b), p. 8. & Fagan (1997), pp. 9-10. 61

THE FAMILY: THE SCHOOL OF LOVE In the family there are four basic dimensions to love: conjugal love (between husband a wife), parental love (parents to children), children’s love also called filial love (children to parents), and the siblings’ love (between older and younger, brothers and sisters). Therefore, the family is the place where good character is nurtured. First, before explaining more fully this idea, it is important to understand that there are two broad categories that encompass all four spheres of love: one love is sexual and the other three are social. Sexual Love

Social Love

Conjugal love (between husband and wife).

Parental love (parents to children), children’s love (children to parents), and the siblings’ love (between older and younger, brothers and sisters).

Exclusive and unique.

Shared and interpersonal.

Sexual Love Sexual love, also called conjugal love, is the special relationship between a husband and wife alone. It is meant to be exclusive, that is, unshared with any other person. In this way conjugal love will be unique. When this love is exclusive, only between one man and one woman in marriage, then it is automatically unrivaled. That means when you love only one person, then you have only one love and that love cannot be compared to anything else. It will be the greatest love of your life because it will be the only love of your life. On the other hand, having more than one sexual partner, means the uniqueness and exclusiveness will be immediately lost and you will be forced to compare and contrast multiple partners. Memories of past experiences, which are very difficult to overcome, will be replayed in your mind when you’re making love to someone else.67

Social Love In addition to being unique and exclusive, conjugal love is also the origin of the three social loves, namely, the parental love, the children’s love and sibling’s love. Conception occurs through conjugal love and when children are born, parents naturally turn their love and attention to their children. In other words, parents sacrifice for their children even though at the time children cannot understand or appreciate those sacrifices. (Can you think of some sacrifices your parents have made for you?) To put it simply, from conjugal love parental love is born.

Cole and Duran (1998), p. 126.

At first children respond with a smile or giggle and this fills their parents’ heart with joy and happiness. Later, children will learn more and more about the sacrifices their parents have made for them and then naturally come to respect, to honor and to love their parents. Thus on the basis of parental love and sacrifice, the children’s love toward their parents emerges. Finally, as children grow up they realize there are other members in the family. At first, children may see their siblings as rivals, but later learn that they share the same parents: this makes them brothers and sisters. When a second child is born, it does not mean the parents’ love is halved. Parents learn to love each child fully and completely. Thus by realizing that brothers and sisters share a common set of parents, sibling’s love appears. Through interaction among family members, the four realms of love are learned. Equally important, it is here that the distinction between sexual love and social love is made. Sexual love is a special relationship only between a husband and wife; it is the pillar of a family and the source where the other loves develop. The family is also an ideal environment where the relationship between love and limits can be learned. Moral development means you “learn the rules of conduct in the society and learn to act upon these rules.”68 But the foundation for this is within the family. In general, parents do two things: they show unconditional love and set limits. This is essential because discipline without love causes rebellion; love without limits spoils children. (What limits have your parents set? Can you see the love behind these limits? How do you think this will help you later in life?)

THE FAMILY: THE UNIVERSITY of SOCIAL HARMONY The family is the school of love, but it doesn’t stop there. Because you learn how to love in the family, it is here that harmonious social relationships are also formed. For example, learning to love, respect and honor your own parents serves as a model in relationships with other adults. When children trust their own parents—the first adults in their lives—they will want to treat other adults the same way. This is especially important in a classroom, where teachers take the role of a parent in the classroom. Respecting and honoring the teachers makes learning easier too. In a similar manner, brotherly and sisterly love—first learned in the family—serves as the model for relationships between students. When you were younger, your parents taught you to “share your toys.” Although your parents were asking you to share, from your point of view it felt more like sacrifice. Through this you learned that sacrificing for others pleases your parents. You also learned to respect the rights and property of people your same age. Just as brothers and sisters understand they are related because of their parents, classmates are temporarily related because they have the same teacher. Having one adult which students of the same class share in common helps them overcome any racial, religious, gender, or cultural prejudices that they may have against other students.

Garbarino (1999), p. 47.

Also classmates should treat each other as though they were brothers and sisters in terms of sexual abstinence. When it is clear that sexual relationships are to be reserved only for married couples, then young people will understand that brotherly and sisterly relationships should never be sexual. That’s why marriage is important; it transforms your relationship from that of brother and sister to that of a husband and wife. Finally, your family is the best place to learn leadership skills. Whatever occupation you may enter, the knowledge and expertise will vary. But the heart behind effective leadership is modeled in the family. The way in which parents use their power and authority sets a strong example those children will likely follow in adulthood. Some very successful businessmen have noted, “There are a lot of complicated theories about how to lead and manage….” Then they ask, “Yet what if it’s really no different than good parenting?”69 Just like parents in a family, good leaders: 1) establish boundaries, 2) coach with praise and positive correction, 3) allow for growth, and 4) encourage or even push for success. The family, or a family-like environment, is best atmosphere to foster harmonious interpersonal relationships. In conclusion: The family is the protective womb, the school of love and the university of social harmony. Within these four realms or spheres of love the expected standards of emotional development are established: 1) the sacredness of human sexuality (conjugal love), 2) the proper use of power and authority (parental love), 3) the respect shown to people in authority (children’s love), and 4) the interaction among peers in non-prejudicial relationships (sibling’s love). The best place to cultivate attitudes and behaviors that contribute to nation building is in the family. To build good families, we need strong marriages. To create strong marriages, sex must be honored in its rightful place, i.e., the conjugal relationship between a husband and wife must be honored. Even more important, among family members we first learn the joy of sacrificing for others. Seen in this light, marriage and family are essential to nation building.

Brandt (2004), p. 23.

CHAPTER 7

Pure Love Livinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increases vulnerability to sexual advances.

Lesson Objectives: 1.

The students will learn the dangers of dating.

The student will learn that the best protection against sexual advances is a strong commitment to an abstinent lifestyle.

Students will learn how to reject sexual advances.

Students will learn that using alcohol and drugs, like being sexually active, seeks personal pleasure while ignoring the peril of others.

Students will learn that drugs are illegal at any age and alcohol is illegal for minors, while both impair our ability to make sound choices and keep commitments.

DATING DILEMMAS Allowing unmarried teenagers to be alone together over extended periods of time without any adult supervision is a novelty of the 20th century. In most cultures throughout history and still today, this rarely happens. Parents have good reasons to be concerned because, in America for example, 84 percent of those raped knew their attacker and 57 percent of rapes happened while on dates.70 Students need to understand clearly that when you force someone to have sex it is called rape; regardless of your age, it is a criminal offense in every civilized society.71 So why date? Is dating the best way to prepare for marriage? No. Because, in general, dating is a series of on-again, off-again relationships, therefore it’s probably good preparation for divorce. (Not joking.) It is important to be among friends who will treat you like a brother or sister. In other words, they respect and support your decision to abstain from sex until you are married and know the difference between dating and courtship. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, 72 there is a very distinct difference specifically in relationship to sex and marriage: Dating:

An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

Courtship:

Seeking the affections of a woman usually with the hope of marriage.

In most societies courtship begins with parental approval (from both families) and is openly heading toward a period of engagement, leading to marriage. But why are exclusive, long-term relationships between an unmarried boy and girl dangerous? Joshua Harris, then 18 years old, authored the book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and observed a contradiction between commitment and lifestyles. He points out the inherent dangers of dating: Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment. Love and romance become things people enjoy only for their recreational value. In dating, romantic attraction is often the relationship’s cornerstone. As a result, they gauge the seriousness of their relationship by the level of physical involvement. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character; a person can charm his or her way into a date’s heart.

Curtis (1997). Fuller, et al. (2001), p. iii. 72 American Heritage Dictionary (2001). 71

One-on-one dating has the tendency to move a guy and girl beyond friendship and toward romance too quickly.73 Research confirms this, showing that one major risk factor associated with an increased likelihood for premarital sex is “early and steady dating.”74

Avoiding Unwanted Sexual Advances How, then do you protect yourself? How do you handle unwanted sexual advances? First it depends on what you do ahead of time. It is foolish and wrong to know the dangers of sex outside marriage, tease your way to its natural high point and then try to slam on the brakes. Sexual intimacy was not designed to work that way—and doesn’t. If you are not going to drive the car, why start the engine?

The best refusal skill does not depend on the nature of the unwanted advance; it depends on the commitment you have made well in advance. If you have gotten into a sticky situation, you’ve already gone too far. So, don’t wait for the sexual advances to intensify and then start to figure out how to handle the awkward situation. Make up your mind well in advance. Set abstinence until marriage as a goal for your life. Write it down. Also explain your reasons for making this determination. It also helps to let those around you know, especially your parents, community elders, religious leaders and peers. Remember, abstinence is more for others than for your own benefit. Another powerful tool for teaching teenagers to handle pressure situations is role-playing. This will be active, exciting, participatory, and very educational. It is fun for students to make up their own pressure lines and responses. But in the end three strategies are recommended: 1)

“Say no and keep repeating it…” without feeling the need to offer reasons or make excuses.

“Take the offensive…” by making an “I” statement about your feelings, for example, “I feel very uncomfortable with the way you are treating me right now.”

“Walk away….”75

Harris (1997), pp. 31-42. Fuller, et al. (2001), p. iii. 75 Bisbee (2000), pp. 61-65. 74

Living a Pure Love Lifestyle Deciding to be abstinent until you are married is one of the best decisions you can make. Not only is it natural, normal and healthy; it’s also a real investment in your own well-being and the future of your nation. That said, there are a few things you can do to maintain a pure love lifestyle. 1. Seek the opportunity to help others: do community volunteer work, visit seniors, bake a cake for someone who’s sick, empty the garbage at home or do the dishes without being asked. Research has shown that serving others strengthens the commitment to remain sexually pure. Why? Abstinence, like community service, is really living for the sake of others. 2. Remain sexually pure in mind and body. It’s okay to dress well, but the way you dress should not be sexually suggestive. Don’t wear revealing clothes or carry a condom. Use a business principle in reverse: if you’re not selling… don’t advertise. One of the best ways to protect yourself and your dreams is to dress modestly.76 3. Avoid situations of sexual arousal. Maybe you will have to reexamine aspects of your life, including books, magazines, movies and music. The mind is like a computer. Do you know the acronym GIGO? It stands for garbage in, garbage out. It’s true for computers as well as for the human mind and heart. Purity starts with a serious self-examination of your lifestyle. Here again, others can help you. 4. Join a group with similar goals. If none exist, why not start a Pure Love Club.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND ABSTINENCE There is a strong association between premarital sex and misusing alcohol and drugs. Under the influence of alcohol or drugs it is easy to do things we regret later. Two problems come up when teenagers are involved: Problem #1: The use of alcohol and drugs are harmful and illegal. And the misuse of alcohol doesn’t go away with age, since at least half of all spousal abuse cases are alcohol related.77 Problem #2: The use of alcohol and drugs impair your ability to reason and weaken your commitment to remain abstinent. Sexual desires are even harder to control while intoxicated or doing drugs. It’s a problem of self-control, not age. Substance abuse and free sex have a common philosophy: they both seek pleasure while ignoring the peril of yourself and others.

76 77

Shalit (1999), pp. 94-95. Bennett (1992).

In summary, choosing an abstinent lifestyle takes courage, commitment and conviction. It is hard. It’s a sacrifice. That’s why it’s good. And, even more essential, it’s not just for your own benefit. Your sacrifice benefits others: your parents, your family, your future spouse and children, your community and even your nation. If fact, a commitment to abstinence, or a recommitment to abstinence, is the most unselfish thing you can do. But it’s not forever. Abstinence is basically about learning to make sacrifices that benefit others. It is about learning to love. For this reason, abstinence is more than just saving yourself for marriage—it is preparing for good, solid, enduring and happy marriage. And that’s worth waiting for.

CHAPTER 8

Character Counts U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity.

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn the importance of developing a mature, unselfish character.

Students will learn that the basis for successful marriages and healthy families is public-mindedness.

Students will learn that their teenage years should be used for developing their character rather than sexual experimentation.

BUILDING BLOCKS OF MARRIAGE What do you think are the qualities in men that women look for most in a future husband? Women want men to be employed and to be emotionally mature.78 For a woman, having a man employed, demonstrates his ability to provide for his wife and their children. This is important because women get pregnant not men. In most societies, even in developed countries, women depend on their husbands for their own livelihood and for the well-being of their family. Therefore, it is natural that as a man’s employability increases so does a woman’s interest in him as a future husband.79 Does this mean if a husband looses his job then that’s grounds for divorce? Or that you need a big paycheck before you can get married? Not at all. The point is just being wealthy does not guarantee a good marriage. In fact, money is one of the things married couples argue about most,80 even among people who are well-off. Do you know people that are financially successful, but who are unhappy in their marriage or divorced? Financial stability is obviously important, but it is not the most important thing for a good marriage. The issue is that economic security helps marital stability—but there is something even more important than money which determines the strength of a marriage. Men, too, tend to evaluate women from an external point of view. Particularly important for men is the physical beauty of a woman. But here again, can beauty alone be the basis for lasting relationships? How do you build relationships of love that are unwavering and lifelong? It takes more than a pretty face and a big bank account. Marriage is a very special relationship. Unfortunately, “many people don’t realize that [human] sexuality involves character.”81 In romantic relationships good character is especially important. This is because the conjugal union of a man and woman involves areas of life that are the most intimate and where emotions are the most powerful. It is an area where total trust is needed, because it is an area of total openness and vulnerability. Surely, one of the most important character traits that both men and women need to develop in order to build successful marriages is the control of their sexual desires. But there are others elements of characters, such as, trust, emotional self-control, good decision-making skills, respect and responsibility that are integral to building a good marriage. Let’s see what good character is and how it is developed.

McLanahan, et al. (2001), p. 2. Lipscomb (2001), p. 2. 80 Stanley and Markman (1997). Cited in Scott M. Stanley and Howard J. Markman, Facts About Marital Distress and Divorce, University of Denver and PREP, Inc. 81 Cole and Duran (1998), p. 46. 79

GOOD CHARACTER Character is what’s inside your heart. It’s invisible. Someone once said character is what you do when no one is looking. How do we build good character? We all have a mind and body. Each has a different function and a unique set of desires. When they are aligned correctly the mind and body work together in a harmoniously partnership for overall health and happiness of that person. Let’s see how that works. The desires of the body include: food, sleep, shelter and sex. These desires are also found in animals. On the other hand, the human mind is unique; it is very different from the instinctual nature of an animal’s mind. The uniquely human desires of our mind seek truth, beauty, goodness. For example, in our search for truth only human beings create educational institutions and research centers. Human beings and animals both create beauty. Birds, for example, sing beautiful songs. However, their repertoires are limited, especially in comparison to the human voice. Finally, we are unique among all creation through our enactment, judicial interpretation and enforcement of laws; this comes from our pursuit of goodness. Therefore, our pursuit of truth, beauty and goodness is uniquely human. But just having these special capabilities, does not automatically make us better than animals. Sometimes humans act worse than animals. The key is establishing the proper relationship between the desires of the mind and those of the body. When the proper priorities are established, then these complementary aspects work together nicely. What is that proper relationship? The proper relationship means that the desires of the mind be placed above the desires of the body. We can understand why by observing the design of human beings. Our head is above the rest of the body. Four of our five senses operate exclusively through sense organs in the area of the head: sight, smell, taste and hearing.82 When we speak we use our mouth which is also located in our head. We can even say that the "sixth sense" operates from the region of the head. We think using our minds, and this is where our mental images are formed and remembered. I think we can agree that the head or mind functions or serves the purpose of communication and social discourse. It is therefore oriented toward others. In summary, we say the mind is more public, while the body works for self-maintenance; for example, supplying oxygen to the body, digesting food, as well as circulating and cleaning our blood. The mind and body are partners; they each need the other. However, the proper alignment of mind and body is essential. Setting the right priorities the between the public (mind) and private (body) aspects of our lives benefits both partners and, as a result, our character grows. This may sound simple. But developing good character and emotional maturity is basically “forming rightly-ordered desires…”83 82

The sense of touch is over the entire body. But the most sensitive area of touch is the sexual organ, located in the center of the body. Therefore this type of love (sexual love) is basically private, whereas other dimensions of love are public (social love) [see Chapter 6]. 83 Hinman, p. 11.

Let’s see how practical and universal this idea really is.

Virtues and Vices Everyone wants to be a moral person. The difference lies between ought and want. An ought is a moral obligation; it is what you should do for the benefit of others even if you don’t want to. For example, your parents pay taxes. Do they want to do that? No. But they are obligated to do so for the good of your community and nation. What are some moral obligations for students?... for teachers? A want, however, does not have the obligatory nature to it. “I want to eat ice cream.” Or, “I prefer strawberry over chocolate.” These preferences and desires do not have a moral obligation to them. Honestly looking inside yourself, there is a struggle between what you want to do and what you ought to do. There the struggle is basically between the public and private dimension of our lives—the oughts (the public) and the wants (the private). When the priorities are correctly aligned that defines a virtue; when the order is corrupted and reversed; it’s a vice. Virtues are formed when the public obligations take precedent over the private desires. For this to happen, an individual must sacrifice—not for personal gain—so that others benefit. The essence of a virtue is the willingness to put the public interest above a personal desire. But when this order is reversed a vice is born. For example, it is universally good when someone sacrifices for the sake of others; it is also commonly considered selfish or evil when someone sacrifices others for personal benefit or glory. Can you name some good people and identify their personal sacrifices and the beneficiaries of those sacrifices?

Virtues: Let’s take some specific examples. In each of the following virtues the well-being of others is promoted, while the interests of the individual are minimized or set aside as a secondary priority. Can you identify the public and private sides of each of these virtues listed below and determine whereby the proper relationship is established? Trust is when someone believes in another person’s genuine need and sincere intention to repay a loan and, therefore, is willing to incur temporary financial hardship or even risk permanent loss (if the money is not repaid). Respect means we have such high regard for someone that we yield to his or her opinions, wishes or judgments. Compassion is when a person willingly chooses a suffering course for themselves in order to empathize, comfort and uplift others, for example. Mother Teresa. Humility acknowledges the contributions of others when receiving honor or praise. Forgiveness is when someone has been harmed but does not hold on to that mistake and instead seeks to restore that relationship.

Vices: Vices are exactly the opposite of virtues. Here the individual is placed above the public good. Public trust or good will is sacrificed for the sake of the individual. Dishonesty is when a person violates public trust by putting personal pride or gain above telling the truth, in order to deceive (or hide a mistake). Conceit is an unjustifiably high opinion of one's own abilities or worth, so high in fact, that the concerns and values of others are ignored or disregarded. Stealing is taking something for personal benefit without permission or authorization and disregarding the damage caused to the rightful owner. Adultery is seeking personal sexual pleasure while betraying a spouse and neglecting the well-being of the marriage and family.

Love and Infatuation Applying this standard where the public takes precedent over the private, the important difference between love and infatuation becomes very clear. Love is the desire and willingness to give of ourselves to benefit others; it is more concerned with the other person than with myself. Infatuation (literally means to be â&#x20AC;&#x153;foolishâ&#x20AC;?) is the early stages of love when we are engrossed with our own feelings often unable to understand the commitment and sacrifice required for true love.

GOODNESS Goodness is living for the sake of others. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s placing public concerns above private matters. Living for others, caring for others, and making sacrifices that benefit others is the essence of being virtuous. 84 It is putting the well-being of others above yourself and is the basis on which goodness is created. In giving up something we cherish (time, money, emotional energy, etc.) so that others benefit, makes us valuable to others. It is in the act of giving, of being unselfish, we find our greatest happiness, value and meaning in life. This concept is universal and is found in all religious teachings: Luke 17:33 Whoever seeks to gain his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it. Acts 20:35 84

Stanecki-Kozwoski, et al. (1993), p. 68.

It is more blessed to give than to receive. Dhammapada 13:177 Misers certainly do not go to the heavens of the gods… but noble men find joy in generosity, and this gives them joy in higher worlds. Mahaparinibbana-sutta (Teachings of Buddha, pg. 169) If one gives away a gift only when convenient, or because it is easier to give than not to give, it is an offering, of course, but it is not a True Offering. A True Offering comes from a sympathetic heart before any request is made, and a True Offering is the one that gives not occasionally but constantly. Lankavatara-sutra (Teachings of Buddha, pg. 61) Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else. Quran 3:92 By no means shall you attain righteousness unless you freely give of that which you love; and whatever you give, in truth God knows it well. Quran 74:6 Nor expect, in giving, any increase for yourself! Bhagavad Gita 17:20 A gift is pure when it is given from the heart to the right person at the right time and at the right place, and when we expect nothing in return. Adi Granth, (Pg. 161) (Sikh scriptures) What is that love which is based on greed? When there is greed, that love is false. Goodness may be defined this way:

Goodness: a willing sacrifice that benefits others. This is what “emotionally mature” means. It is a willing self-sacrifice, not for personal benefit or gains, but so that others prosper.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY & ABSTINENCE Emotional maturity means to develop a good character; to be unselfish. But the question really is, “What does being unselfish have to do with abstinence and marriage?” There are many reasons to be abstinent. The fears of catching a sexual disease or getting pregnant or being harmed emotionally are often given. Other people are abstinent because of religious conviction or parental disapproval. All are valid and important reasons.

Sometimes people think abstinence is not doing something, meaning youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not having sex. But that is not totally true. When young men and young women refrain from having sexual relationships they are sacrificing and their sacrifice will help others. In this case, abstinence is good, literally good. Being abstinent for the sake of others means you are placing the well-being of others above personal desires. When people control their sexual desires before marriage it is called abstinence. When they control sexual desires after marriage is it called fidelity. Both are virtues. In this way, abstinence is doing something; it is not inaction, it is action. Abstinence is making a sacrifice. Therefore, it is more than just remaining pure; it is preparing for marriage. This is because sacrificing for others is the core of developing an unselfish character. Living for others is indispensable in building a successful marriage. The husband should live for the sake of his wife; the wife for the sake of her husband. Through each living for the sake of the other, the couple is bonded in a union of unselfish love. Then together, the parents live for the sake of their children and children respond by living for the sake of their parents. Abstinence therefore is the proper way for teenagers to express their love: it is respecting and honoring their parents, it is preparing for fidelity within marriage, and it is setting a model for their children to follow. In essence, true love is when you care more for others, than yourself.

CHAPTER 9

Marriage Benefits U.S. Government Abstinence Education Guideline Teaches that a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity;

Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will learn the complications and risks associated with cohabitation.

Students will learn why marriages should be mutually faithful and monogamous.

Students will learn why sacrifice is a necessary part of building a successful marriage.

Students will learn why the marriage ceremony should be public.

Students will learn the benefits of marriage.

COHABITATION Cohabitation is when unmarried people of the opposite sex live and sleep together. Starting in the 1960s in the United States, as part of the free sex revolution, larger and larger numbers of people began living together without getting married. Today, the number of cohabitating couples in the United States continues to rise.85 Even though it may be popular, is cohabitation a wise choice? Why do people cohabit? One of the main reasons86 young adults cohabit is because they think it makes it easier to breakup if the relationship doesn’t work out. Others are trying to “prove” their independence (an idea more popular in the 1960s.) Some look at the economics, saying that since they’re already sleeping together frequently, it would be cheaper and easier to just move in and live together. And finally, a growing number of teenagers see cohabitation as a kind of practice marriage. The couples want to live together to see if they are compatible, before actually getting married.

Shaky Unions Living together without marriage is more risky than marriage. Americans have studied this phenomenon for many years, even decades. Here’s what they’ve found. Less Secure: Compared with marriage, cohabiting couples are less likely to ever marry. The rate of infidelity is twice the rate of married couples.87 If they do marry, they are more likely to divorce, more likely to be in poverty and more likely to experience abuse—especially, women and children. Overall, cohabiting is less secure than marriage. False Freedom: Cohabitation presents an untrue and misleading view of maturity and a false sense freedom. Maturity does not mean doing whatever you want to do (that’s selfish). Emotional maturity means living more for others than for yourself; making commitments and keeping them. Economic Disparity: The reality of a cohabiting relationship is that women provide sexual and housekeeping services and contribute over 70% of the finances—all without the benefit and protection of marriage. Remember: cohabiting couples are not married so they cannot be divorced. Without divorce there are no property rights or alimony.88 Prejudice Against Marriage: Women may see cohabitating as a step towards marriage. Men are more likely to see it as unpaid sex without long-term ties. In fact, there is no scientific evidence supporting the concept that cohabitation strengthens marriage. Cohabitation has a builtin prejudice against marriage in order to protect increased levels of autonomy. Only 60 percent of cohabiting couples marry. Within two years half of these split up, within five years only 10 85

Popenoe and Whitehead (2005). Johnson (1999). 87 Ibid. 88 Common law marriages have the additional burden of proving themselves in a court of law before spousal and child rights can be considered. 86

percent are still living together.89 (In the US, only 45 percent of first marriages break up over the course of a lifetime.)

Associated Risks Cohabitation is risky. Here are some more dangers associated with living together without getting married: Abuse to Children: For children living with unmarried biological parents the risk of abuse is 20 times higher that children living with parents who are married; it is 33 times more when the biological mother cohabits with a boyfriend who is not the child’s father.90 Reduced Security: The number of children from married intact families living in poverty is about 6 percent. That figure jumps to 31 percent for children from cohabiting homes and to 45 percent for children living with a single mother.91 Domestic Violence: Cohabiting women experience twice the rate of abuse and violence than do married women.92 Social Outsider: Cohabiting couples receive less social support from relatives as well as from community services.93 Cohabitation is somewhere between marriage and a one-night stand—it has most of the risks of non-marital sex and few, if any, of the benefits and securities of marriage. Prior to 1970, laws in every state of the United States prohibited cohabitation.

SEXUAL INTIMACY When a husband or wife share sexual intimacy exclusively with each other, in a mutual pact of devotion, that is called being “mutually faithful.” When they agree to continue this commitment throughout their lives, it is called “monogamy.” Human sexuality should be reserved for a mutually faithful, monogamous relationship because the marital union of husband and wife benefits tremendously. This may seem restrictive, because neither person is “free” to just walk out of the contract or to find another partner who may be more attractive. But this apparent constraint has numerous advantages. Both the husband and wife have more assurance in their partner’s fidelity, less anxiety about any awkward feeling or performance, reduced fear of abandonment and fewer reasons to be jealous.94 A mutually faithful monogamous union is good; it protects and strengthens the conjugal bond. This, in turn, makes the family stronger too. 89

Popenoe and Whitehead (2002). Ibid., p. 6. 91 Ibid. 92 Johnson (1999). 93 Kittel (2004), p. 144. 94 Waite and Gallagher (2000), p. 24. 90

Sex, Pleasure and Virtue Thank goodness sex is pleasurable; it was meant to be that way. But don’t be misled. Although personal pleasure is an important part, the joy of the sex must also include your partner’s emotions. This may seem ironic, but reviewing the premise of what makes a virtue and vice will help. Putting others above yourself creates a virtue; putting yourself above others creates a vice. Therefore, even in marriage, if sex is primarily for personal gratification, then it is not virtuous. The sexual desire of the husband is meant for his wife, more than for himself. Similarly, the woman’s sexual desire is more for her husband than herself. In this way the sexual desires transcends both husband and wife. It is for the sake of their union. This is the reason sexual love was made the strongest, most powerful human experience. It was meant to be the superglue that binds a husband and wife together into a relationship that should never be broken. Think of a steam engine, for example. If a valve leaks or the seal is cracked, energy is misplaced. The sexual drive is like that. When sexuality is shared outside the bond of marriage, intimacy is immediately lost. Through being mutually faithful to each other, married couples “increase the energy and attention that each devotes to the needs of their one partner, increasing the likelihood that satisfying sex will result.”95 One of the strongest naturally occurring forces in nature is the attraction between the proton and the electron. This force was made extremely powerful because the atomic bond is the most basic building block of all things. It needs to be unchanging for the stability of everything in the universe. In a similar way, human sexuality is our most powerful emotion. But we were not created that way; we actually participate in building that unbreakable conjugal relationship. The bond of marriage is meant to be the most permanent, stable relationship within our social structure. This is why. The family is the most basic unit of human society. The center of the family is the parents. Therefore, the bond of love between a husband and a wife should be the most powerful human emotion. Marriages are the pillars of good families, which are essential to raising good children as well as building healthy communities and prosperous nations. If there were a force stronger than conjugal love, then the husband-wife relationship would be constantly threatened.

A Public Celebration Marriage is the public commitment of a man and a woman to be mutually faithful to each other for life. Why can’t a man and a woman just agree privately to live together faithfully? We discussed the dangers of cohabitation earlier, so let’s look at this from another angle, specifically, why the commitment to marry should be public. In all societies and among all religions the ceremony of marriage has been publicly honored. Parents, brothers and sisters from both sides of the family, cousins, aunts, uncles, as well as

Ibid., p. 88.

friends of the bride and bridegroom are normally invited to the wedding. Many even invite God to be a witness to invoke the blessings of good fortune on the newly wedded couple. But why does the public nature of the marriage celebration strengthens the marriage? First, private commitments are easier to make—and easier to break. Public commitments, on the other hand, are more difficult to make—and consequently harder to break. The marriage covenant is the bedrock of social order. Therefore, this commitment should be made as strong as possible. Although this is no guarantee, it is nevertheless much better that both the bride and bridegroom make their pledge up front. This may be done in a private ceremony, but should be as open as the couples are comfortable with. The public nature of the commitment tests the unselfishness of both parties in advance. Going into marriage with false, especially selfish, expectations will cause difficulties and may undermine the relationship altogether. It is better to have obligations, expectations and commitments up front. After all, no one likes having the rules changed unexpectedly in the middle. In a temple, church, mosque or mandir, two unrelated people publicly declare an unconditional commitment to each other. Let’s take a closer look at the traditional wedding vow to see and hear how the promise of being faithful sounds and what it means. Do you take this young woman [man] whose right hand you now hold to be your lawfully wedded wife [husband]; to love and cherish, in sickness or in health, in prosperity or adversity, for better or for worse; do you promise to be true to her [him], forsaking all others and cleave unto her [him] and her [him] only until death do you part? Here marriage is seen as a total commitment to another person. The only thing that will separate the two people is death itself. But making an unconditional commitment to someone else begins deep inside you, with the willingness to totally investment yourself. You cannot commit 100% to someone and keep 50% for yourself. If you want to keep 50%, then you can only commit 50%. Committing 100%, means you keep nothing for yourself—zero. In this way, the real struggle is inside you, before taking the marriage vow. You need to reach the point of being willing to sacrifice yourself totally for that other person. This type of commitment automatically and unavoidably means you have already made a totally, willing sacrifice of yourself. Another name for such a commitment is called love.

The Rewards Weightlifters have a saying, “No pain; no gain.” Building strong marriages is somewhat similar. Without sacrifice, the benefits of marriage may not appear. (This is where cohabitation differs most dramatically from marriage; they are unwilling to make the sacrifice, meaning the commitment or total denial of self. Taking human sexuality out of marriage avoids the sacrifices and, therefore, misses the rewards.) In one sense, marriage is the self-imposed death to selfishness. That’s why it’s kind of scary. But through this sacrifice each person will be transformed: young men are transformed into husbands and fathers; young ladies emerge from daughterhood to become wives and mothers. Therefore, it

is not an open-ended sacrifice. It is like the caterpillar that dies to its former life only to emerge transformed into something much more beautiful, a butterfly. Marriage is hard work, but it’s well worth it. A successful marriage has many benefits. Married couples are: Sexually more satisfied Happier and have better self-esteem Financially better off, more productive and save more money In better heath which means they live longer, and Less likely to abuse alcohol and live safer lives (especially men)96 There are three basic reasons why good marriages are so beneficial. 1. Lifelong contract: It means you marry only once and remain married your entire life. This level of commitment allows the couple to develop a sense of belonging that provides opportunity for long-term investment, ownership of the marriage and emotional security. 2. Greater sharing: This comes from a total commitment: a kind of “marriage insurance.” That builds confidence, integrity, and reliability in a marriage. A husband and wife share everything, their wealth and assets, the most intimate part of the bodies and their deepest emotions, as well as co-creatorship of their children. They also share difficulties, especially at the beginning of the relationship. 3. Connection to community: Marriage facilitates building social relationships. Support from close kinship ties as well as faith-based and community-based organizations make it easier for the couple to receive support and social resources. Building networks does not happen as easily or as frequently in cohabiting relationship. In summary, the most important quality of a successful marriage is the unselfishness of each spouse. Sacrifices need to be made to make a marriage work. And the willingness to make those sacrifices needs to be at the very beginning of the relationship. It is precisely the total commitment between a husband and wife that makes their love genuine and good. When the husband lives for the sake of his wife and the wife for the sake of her husband, an unbreakable bond of love is created—and everyone benefits from that.

Marano (1997).

CHAPTER 10

Graduation Lesson Objectives: 1.

Students will join the increasing number of young people who are practicing abstinence.

Students will make an action plan for their lives.

Students will recite the Pure Love Pledge.

A REVOLUTION OF VALUES There is an awakening happening in the United States. The government is encouraging abstinence for teenagers at the same time promoting marriage among cohabiting couples. As the importance of traditional family values are relearned, antiquated sex education programs are being replaced with curricula that teach the importance of saving sex for marriage. Virginity, abstinence and fidelity are “in.” Free sex is “out.” Attitudes are changing. Here are the facts: In 1998 “nearly half of teens polled said that sex before marriage is always wrong.”97 For the first time in years—reversing a 20-year trend that started in the 1970s—the number of high school students who are virgins is more than the number of students who are sexually experienced or sexually active.98 People seeking public office are being advised to “focus on ways to reduce sexual intercourse outside marriage”—not just reduce risks.99 Nationwide, teen pregnancies in the U.S. have dropped 14% from 1990-95; the sharpest decline, 21 percent, was among African-American youth which is the lowest rate in 40 years.100 In a separate study last year, the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) found an 11% reduction in teen sex rates from 1991-97.101 Lasting first marriage has become a new status symbol among wealthy Americans.102 In the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy 95% of adults and teenagers said that high school students should be given a strong abstinence message.103 “The percentage of high school students who have had sex decreased 13.7 percent between 1991 and 2003 (54 percent to 46.7 percent).”104 “The U.S. teen pregnancy rate for teens aged 15-19 decreased 28 percent between 1990 and 2000.”105

Sexual Health Update (1998), p. 3. Ibid., p. 1. 99 Fagan (1998), p. 6. 100 Baldauf (1999), p. 1. 101 Ibid. 102 Status Seekers Set Their Sights on a Vacation Home, Not the Executive Suite (1999). 103 Sexual Health Update (1998), p. 2. 104 Teen Sexual Activity in the United States (2004). 105 Teen Pregnancy Rates in the United States, 1972 - 2000 (2004). 98

PRACTICAL WAYS TO PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE Remember that you take into marriage everything you are and all the experiences you have had. It is important therefore to prepare well. Be an asset, not a burden, to your spouse or children. Here are some things that will help prepare you for marriage 1. Mind Over Body: The mind-body dynamics is really the relationship between the public and private aspects of our lives. Both are necessary and good; the essential point is developing a complementary relationship between the two. Sports and physical activity are great ways to challenge and discipline yourself. So too are the arts and academics. The point is that in marriage you will need to make many sacrifices (food, sleep, relaxation time and personal desires, to name a few). But you can practice living for others right now. Developing public-mindedness also means maintaining good health, eating proper foods, and refraining from tobacco, alcohol and drugs. 2. Don’t Be in a Hurry: Eating unripe fruit has many unpleasant consequences. It takes time for fruit to ripen, but it worth the wait. Young people go through many physical and mental changes during their teenage years. They continue developing well into their midtwenties. It is better to wait. Sex before marriage is risky—physically and emotionally. It is also strongly discouraged by all of the world’s religions. 3. Keep Commitments: Learn to keep commitments. It means to make promises that you fully intend to keep, matching your words and deeds. That takes effort, sacrifice, practice and discipline—all good qualities to bring into marriage. Remember, it is so much easier to lose trust than to gain it. 4. Be Open to Advice: Often, people get so involved in relationships that they cannot see what is really happening. It is always good to ask advice from someone you trust. It may be your own parents, another couple that has a good marriage or a religious leader. Listen to what they say and allow yourself to be open to their comments and suggestions.. 5. Take Your Future Seriously: When you are young, a major pre-occupation may seem to be having fun. Youth embodies a feeling of invincibility and involvement in the ever-present "nowness" or immediacy of life, which makes the future seems far away. Still, before you know it, your future is here and you wonder why you didn’t prepare better. Consider and prepare for your future seriously—no one else will do that for you.

THE PURE LOVE PLEDGE The pure relationship of love between a man and a woman is a sacred gift from God to be cherished and honored, for the sake of building a true family, healthy society, and a world of peace for future generations. Once that love is consummated, it should never be broken. 106

Therefore, from this day forward, I commit myself to: RESPECT and honor the ideal of purity in myself and others PRACTICE pure love as a child, friend, spouse and parent REFRAIN from all sexual activities before marriage DEDICATE myself to absolute fidelity within marriage, and ENCOURAGE others to do the same.

Signed ________________________ Date ______________

106

The Pledge of Allegiance recited every morning in elementary schools talks of “one nation under God.” The Declaration of Independence refers to our “Creator.” Imprinted on our currency is the motto “In God We Trust.”

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