When a Friend is Seriously Ill or Dying SAY

THIS, NOT THAT

By Jennifer Beach

Peter is 62 and was recently diagnosed with aggressive cancer. His prognosis is poor and his illness has progressed quickly. He’s been in and out of the hospital battling infections and complications from both his treatments and cancer.

Friends and relatives have called Peter to get updates on his health and to offer support. His friend Dave called when Peter was in the hospital, undergoing treatment for his latest infection. Dave told him his mother had a similar infection and, “Thankfully died quickly so her disease didn’t have to take her.”

Awkward Conversations

Dave had good intentions when he shared the story about his mom, but when a person is in the middle of a difficult illness, they do not need to listen to others’ problems or situations. Dave’s call didn’t provide the support he intended to give.

It’s challenging and uncomfortable to navigate conversations with someone close to you who has a chronic or terminal illness. You want to wish them well because you sincerely hope that they get better; you care about them.

“Hope you feel better” is a message that works well when someone is temporarily sick or injured and expects to completely recover in weeks, months or years. But for those who are not in that situation, that message can do more harm than good.

SIMILAR STATEMENTS TO AVOID INCLUDE:

• You’re too young for this

• Just push through it

• Think positive

• But you don’t look sick

• Everything happens for a reason

• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

• You just have to think or be more positive

• You’re going to be fine

• You’ll get over it or get used to it

• Positive vibes only

• Everything works out in the end

• Don’t worry, be happy

• It could be worse

• It is what it is

• How do you feel?

Conversations with someone who has a chronic or terminal illness can be difficult, and sometimes we don’t know what to say.

THESE TIPS CAN HELP:

• Only someone living with a chronic or terminal illness knows what it feels like. For them and their loved ones, the emotions can feel a lot like grief, says Kevin Stowe, a bereavement manager for hospice provider VITAS Healthcare. “Some people might react with peace, calm, acceptance, resignation or determination to make the most of the time that remains,” Stowe says.

“Some will question their religion, while others will turn to their spirituality to cope. Some will turn inward to protect themselves; others will turn outward to manage their affairs, find closure, pursue their bucket-list wishes and say necessary goodbyes.”

• No matter how someone chooses to process a chronic or terminal illness, your loved one needs you now, more than ever.

• Listen before you speak. Let them speak without giving direction or advice and without pulling them out of their grief/pain. Be present with them as long as they need you.

• Don’t offer advice. You can empathize and be there for them. But you can’t assume what's best for them.

• Give them the space to verbalize their needs. It’s okay to admit that this is also new and scary territory for you.

• Ask how you can be the person they want and need you to be at this time. All you can give is support. Tell them that, even though you don’t know what the next weeks or months hold, you'll be there for them.

• Manage your feelings. You’ve probably heard that you can’t help others until you help yourself — and that couldn’t be truer than in this situation. Talking with and supporting a loved one with a chronic or terminal illness is not comfortable. There are no perfect or magic words or even one right way to respond, but we can be aware of what we are saying and more importantly, how we are listening.

Jennifer Beach is an Advanced Aging Life Care Professional. She established Advocate for Elders (advocate4elders. com) in Rocky River and has 25 years of experience working with and advocating for older adults and their families.