4-2-15 by Northern Iowan

FRENCH FRY

PROVOST

MATH MAJOR

FRENCH FRY PAGE 3-6

FRENCH FRY PAGE 3

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Check out our April Fools French Fry insert for some parody news!

Boisen announced new provost over many other white dudes.

Math major can’t come to a calculation as to why he’s a math major.

Thursday

April 2, 2015 Volume 111, Issue 46

northern-iowan.org

2 Opinion XNewsCampus Life X Games Sports7X

Classifieds 8 Games X Classifieds X

SigEp see-SAAWs against assault ABBI COBB

Staff Writer

IRIS FRASHER/Northern Iowan

Tanner Westberg, finance and real estate major, and Nick Roudabush, sophomore accounting major see-SAAW back and forth to draw students to awareness.

With a seesaw and a few dedicated students, Sigma Phi Epsilon kicked off their Sexual Assault Awareness Week Monday outside Maucker Union. This week marks Sig Ep’s third year of taking part in Sexual Assault Awareness Month through their SAAW, a five-day marathon of events on campus. “It needs to be prevented, and that’s why we started this,” said Ryan Biegger, junior accounting major and executive member of SAAW. Black and white headshots of Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity members can be seen around campus, on computer screens in computer labs and bulletin boards in dining cen-

ters and hallways, reading, “I stand against sexual assault,” with the depicted member’s signature. Biegger said there was strategy in this method. The familiar faces were intended to attract attention and further spread awareness of the issue at hand. “The last couple years, we haven’t had the best campaigning. Dustin Toll came to me with this idea and I loved it,” Biegger said. “A lot of the guys on the flyers are guys that helped me in the committee getting this all together. The others are highly involved on campus that would be recognized.” Along with the headshot tactic to spread the word, Sigma Phi Epsilon has been using social media

as a campaign method since SAAW’s beginning. #BeTheDifference is the campaign slogan that can be seen in tweets and on the event Facebook page. “I think the difference in standing out is being the active bystander that can step in at any time when you see something,” Biegger said when asked about SAAW’s #BeTheDifference campaign slogan. To ensure that Sigma Phi Epsilon members #BeTheDifference, members are educated on how to properly intervene in situations where sexual assault is present through Mentors in Violence Prevention training. See SAAW, page 2

Students of uni Inspired by Humans of New York. University of Northern Iowa, one student at a time.

JAY D MORALES

Students of UNI

“Back home in Afghanistan the

could have the freedom guys have

study abroad. When the University

security situation isn’t very good,

and for war to go away. I decided

of Northern Iowa sent me the

especially for girls. If you’re a girl,

I want to be a female lawyer,

email that I was accepted, I cried

you have to face a lot of difficul-

change my legal system, and fight

because I was so happy. Getting

ties. A boy can do anything in my

for women’s rights in Afghanistan.

accepted to UNI was the first big

country, but a girl can’t. My child-

Female lawyers are much needed

step of achieving my goals. When I

hood was all about the war. When I

in my country. I wanted to study in

came here to Iowa, it was snowing

was a little girl I wanted to be rock

a safe environment where no one

and I loved it. There was no one to

singer. I love singing. As I grew

would force me to do anything. I

tell me to stop laughing in public.

older and went to school I realized

wanted to live how I wanted to.,

Back home, women are expected

the situation my country was in

in a country without any war and

to be quiet, but it’s OK for guys to

and what life was supposed to be

where I can be safe without any

laugh in public.

for a woman. I always wished girls

stress. I was always trying to

See STUDENTS, page 2

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SAAW

continued from page 1

SigEp has gone as far as reaching out to other chapters to make this a requirement for all. “We just want to show that we are trying to prevent this from happening and that we stand up against it,” Biegger said. “It’s a big deal and fraternities kind of get a negative connotation with that and we just want to show that we are different than everyone and that’s why our slogan on the wristbands and in tweets is ‘Be The Difference.’” Each day this week has featured a different event on campus. Monday was the 24-hour see-SAAW event that required fraternity members to remain outside of the Union and alternate use of the seesaw from noon on Monday until noon on Tuesday. “A guy last year created it as kind of a play on words for SAAW, but its real intention is

STUDENTS

continued from page 1

Here there’s no war or anyone to force me to do something. I loved how fresh the air was when I got to Iowa and I was so happy playing with snow. Here, I realized that I am girl and I am human. Most of life in Kabul prevents you from feeling that, especially the difficulties a girl faces. I’m really happy to be a part of UNI. I’ve only been here

NORTHERN-IOWAN.ORG | THURSDAY, APRIL 2 , 2015

to show that sexual assault can happen at any time and that was the main reason for the 24 hours,” Biegger said. Tuesday’s theme was to encourage students to wear teal in order to recognize and raise awareness for sexual assault on campus. UNI police hosted a self-defense class as well. On Wednesday, the Sigma Phi Epsilon members hosted their annual SNAG talent show to raise funds for Cedar Valley Friends of the Family, a violence prevention program and shelter. This event offers a raffle and a date auction. “I think that’s just our biggest one [event] because we’ve always done it. We’d love to have people there because that’s where we raffle stuff off and raise a lot of money,” Biegger said. “It’s a talent show with some of our members and they get auctioned off for a date. It’s kind of just a fun way to raise money for Cedar Valley Friends of the Family.”

Kevin Teets will be speaking in the Commons Ballroom on Thursday. Teets is an assistant county attorney in Nashville, Tenn. The majority of his experience deals with cases committed against college-aged individuals and cases that involve sexual assault on college campuses. “The biggest event I want to hit on this year is our speaker. Not just because we’re flying him in, but because of the fact that he works with college students and is able to get real-life examples of college students that will be relatable for everyone,” Biegger said. In addition to Sigma Phi Epsilon’s awareness week, other organizations will be raising awareness of sexual assault throughout the month of April. “I hope that students become more aware of their surroundings and realize that there are other organizations dedicated to this on campus that help with this,” Biegger said.

for 3 months and love all of the friends I have made. They’re like another family now. I’m studying CIEP, then later I’ll be studying for my bachelor’s. It’s a lot of money and I’m always trying to receive a scholarship to study and go back home to help my country. I really want to achieve my goals. I love my family and how they have always supported my decisions. For most parents, they expect their daughter

to get married and have children, but my father said marriage can wait and that my country needs me. The whole laughing in public is such a small example of what women can’t do in Afghanistan. Everyone here in America has so much freedom. The girls and guys here can live their life the way they want. I love and miss my family; they’re my whole life. But they know that I’m safe here.”

Burglary On March 28 at approximately 2:38 a.m., Cedar Falls Police officers were dispatched to 3202 University Dr., an apartment complex at Gold Falls. Police arrested and charged Manisha Seenster, 22, junior general studies major, and Dewayne Reece Jr., 24, resident of Cedar Falls, with first degree burglary, a class B felony. The suspects entered the victims’ apartment, two known acquaintances of the suspects, where an altercation took place. No further information is available as of this time. This information was provided by CFPD Captain of detective department, Craig Berte.

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THE FRENCH FRY SMALL TOWN, IOWA

News 3

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Note: The French Fry is an exercise in satire. The following articles and images are of a humorous nature and do not reflect actual events on campus or thoughts, beliefs and actions of the individuals mentioned. Any resemblance of any persons dead or living is just because we are awesome and we think you’re awesome, too. Advertisers on pages other than 3, 4, 5 or 6 are in no way associated with The French Fry.

NCAA’S TOP PICK THE MASTERMIND

It’s self-explanatory

In an upsetting turn of events at the men’s basketball game against Louisville, MVC Player of the Year was seated dangerously close to a spectator picking his nose. Senior forward for the Panthers, Seth Tuttle, was taking a water break on the sidelines when a man, two seats down from Tuttle, promptly stuck his finger up his nose. “I had no idea that was happening so close to me,” Tuttle said. “Do you think he stuck it [a booger] on me while I wasn’t looking?” We know that answer, Seth. The man, who has been identified as Joe N. Spicker, gave the sole interview about the kerfuffle to The French Fry. According to Spicker, he bought season courtside tickets to the Panthers, to get the best seat possible and as close to the action on the court and the players as possible. And when Spicker was seated a

mere two chairs away from Tuttle, his excitement skyrocketed. “I couldn’t believe I was that close to him [Tuttle],” Spicker said. “I was in 7th heaven.” Spicker denies wiping any boogers on Tuttle, as Spicker didn’t pick any “winners,” though things may have gone differently had Spicker found himself a goldmine. “Maybe, I mean, that’s a big commitment – to leave part of your legacy on a basketball player’s jersey, but I wouldn’t put it out of my mind completely,” Spicker said. Spicker has reportedly been known to pick his nose next to major athletes all over the nation; a source at The Northern Onion said one of their reporters saw Spicker standing in the background at President Barack Obama’s recent campaign picking his nose while President Obama gave a speech on Internet speeds. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll see Spicker at the beginning of next season’s games, in

PETER PARKER/The Daily Bugle

Spicker disgraces his family by plunging a finger into his nasal cavity adjacent to our lord and savior, Seth Tuttle.

which case, we’ll totally video record his every finger movement. Tuttle, who has been named

MVC Player of the Year, said he’s going to dry clean his jersey, just in case. “You never know what

really did happen, you can never be too safe,” Tuttle said. “I love fans’ admiration, but some things cross a line.”

UNI whiz kid named provost over other white dudes NICK NAME

QP in-training

SOME DUDE/I Think He’s a Photographer?

Provost Boisen with his beloved wife, Sarah.

Despite previous reports, President William Ruud and the Board have now made their official selection for provost as of Wednesday. Politicial science major Eric Boisen has been tapped to assume the position held by Mike Licari since the fall of 2014. The choice will likely be confirmed at the next Board of Regents meeting in April. Ruud said he placed his utmost trust in the Provost Search Committee to nominate the best candidate. “When the Provost Search Committee nominated him [Boisen] as the only viable applicant I was … surprised. But then I just kind of thought, ‘Meh, let’s give him a shot,’” said Ruud. Boisen surprised the entire campus by announcing his campaign in a January edition of the Northern Iowan.

“What makes [me] any more suited to be provost than anyone else? … Let me start by saying that I can correctly spell ‘provost,’ which is a pretty good start,” Boisen said. The search committee found this to be a rare and sufficient qualification — a qualification essential to the Office of the Provost. “When he spelled out ‘P-R-O-V-O-S-T’ in his interview, I thought: ‘Wow, we’ve got a front-runner here!’” said John Johnson, chair of the Provost Search Committee. Boisen hopes to “advance UNI’s commitment to diversity.” “I, a young, white middleclass male from Iowa, am the best resource on diversity that there is,” Boisen said. Taking into consideration UNI’s recent history, and the perceived need to restore trust among faculty and the administration, Boisen out-

lined his plans to salve these wounds. “Three words: interdepartmental scavenger hunts!” Boisen said. “That should take their minds off of it.” Boisen received a warm response at his open forum presentation held in February to a packed house of faculty, staff and students. Bert Macklin, criminology major and student representative to the search committee, felt that Boisen held his own with the other candidates in the open forum. “Well, he spouted off some generalized, vague nonsense about our university’s academic mission and really pandered to the lowest common denominator of the faculty and students … So in that way, I guess his open forum was a lot like the other candidates’ presentations,” said Macklen. Boisen will officially assume his position in June.

Don’t forget

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VOLUME 111, ISSUE 46

Math major doesn’t know either NICK NAME

QP-in-training

Alfred Prufrock, junior math education major, feeling lost and helpless like any math student, “[Doesn’t] know why [he’s] a math major either.” “Every time I tell someone that I’m a math major, they just look at me with such a blank, disillusioned expression on their face. It kind of reminds me of how I look in class when my professor mentions ‘basic’ math stuff like proving isomorphic quotient groups,” Prufrock said. “So … could someone help me out here?” As a secondary math education major, Prufrock says he is forced into studying the most difficult and most evil of all known disciplines at the collegiate level, though he will be teaching middle school stu-

dents how to add and subtract basic fractions. “At this point, I’ve realized that it’s too late to jump ship — I mean, I’m in debt up to my bloodshot, stress strained eyeballs — but I guess if I continue to scrape by I’ll be able to teach your children someday,” Prufrock said. Fortunately for Prufrock, the university requires that students achieve a C or better to pass their required math courses. “It’s gotten to the point where I forgo attempting the high-level problems and just stick to what I know best: the absolute basics,” Prufrock said. Because of this strategy, Prufrock has gotten used to the familiar bloodstain of red ink soaking his tests and quizzes. “Frankly, I try to go easy

RUDE REPORTS French Fry: Yeah, so how does see-sawing for 24 hours straight help raise awareness for sexual assault? Rude: We might be getting an entire jungle gym set – complete with sandbox, monkey bars and tornado slide. FF: What are you most excited about Boisen’s provost position? R: Getting piggyback rides everywhere. FF: What importance does the UNI Speech and Debate team have on campus? R: Do you know how terrifying public speaking is? Those guys put Obama to shame. FF: I heard a Women’s Center on campus is in the works, is that a good thing for our campus? R: Let’s start with a Rude Center, then we’ll talk. FF: Finally, which do you prefer: Greek Life or CAB? R: Greek yogurt.

GUEST NEWS CORRESPONDENT

on students [like Prufrock], but sometimes I just wonder

why they are even in here in the first place,” said Sharon

Goren, professor of mathematics.

CLASSY SASS/F.F.

Alfred Prufrock, junior math education major, holds up his C test and TI-84 calculator. He doesn’t get it either.

Sparky’s cover charge change SAILOR VENUS

Guardian of the First Amendment

Local Cedar Falls hot spot Sparky’s Pun House will soon be changing their admittance policy. Effective April 1, the highly-respected establishment will be accepting alternative forms of payment at the door: vaporizer pens. Known to much of the youth by its slang term, “vape pens,” this trendy new version of the e-cigarette is a hit amongst UNI students. This is sort of a blanket term given to many different types of e-cigs. Hookah pens typically fall under this category and are one of the more popular types of vaporizer pens. Especially popular with the underage crowd, Sparky’s believes that this will cause a

spark to their revenue. “College kids are broke, and we understand that,” said Chad Brian Michaels, Sparky’s bartender and UNI alum. “But we thought if we changed the cover charge from actual money to some sort of trading goods transaction, people might feel like they weren’t spending too much to get in.” After several focus groups asking what type of currency the bar should switch to, the management at Sparky’s came to the decision that vape pens were the way to go. “They really capture the essence of our target demographic,” Michaels said. Luckily for UNI students, The Misty Mountain tobacco shop is only a few short steps

from Sparky’s front door. But why vape pens? Why not baseball cards or pizza rolls in place of money? “They just give you, like, a really chill buzz. It’s so smooth. Really, just super chill. I’m way stoked, man. It’s gonna be so kush,” said Tyler Tylers, sophomore communication major and frequent patron of Sparky’s. The average hookah pen costs around $8.95, but Sparky’s plans on instating special deals to accommodate the slight rise in cover charge. “We have some ideas in the works,” Michaels said. “We really can’t wait to see what this change will bring us. It’s only a matter of time before other places on The Hill follow suit.”

Council bans tandem bicycles MICHAEL JACKSON Prince of Pop

At the March 16 meeting of the Cedar Falls City Council, the council voted 6-1 in favor of banning all tandem bicycles within the city limits of Cedar Falls, stating that the occupancy rate of such vehicles violate all reasonable standards of modal transportation. Bob Jenkins, UNI professor of Kinetics, stated that in order to get a tandem bicycle both started and stopped required energy greater than two times the sum of two people on

individual bicycles, therefore creating greater wear and tear on the Cedar Falls bike trails, thus necessitating an increase in property taxes and a lowering of property values should the tandem bikes be allowed to continue in usage. The lone dissenting voice on the council, Jon Latherby, stated that the city ordinance for medical marijuana could not get passed soon enough. Mayor Junket laughed audibly at Latherby’s remark and said he “could not think of a single person currently residing in Cedar Falls who would

want to smoke marijuana, let alone legalize it.” In response, Latherby closed his eyes and dropped his head to the table, causing Councilman Ernst to wake up and clap, thinking that Mayor Junket had gaveled the meeting to a close. Objectors to the council were numerous and coupled in nature, arguing that the city council was overstepping its boundaries for the last time and henceforth, there would be a group of hand-holding protesters outside the city hall at all hours, chanting, “We do it in twos or we all lose!”

PERSON HOLDING CAMERA/Rainy Days

Student in rain follows the city ordinance banning tandem bicycles by using a regular bicycle.

QUEEN PRESIDENT EXECUTIVE EDITOR OPINION EDITOR UDE.INU@UNI.EDU

APRIL 2, 2015

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VOLUME 111, ISSUE 46

This squirrel situation is nuts! QHUGH MERRIS someemail @uni.edu

#UNIMustFightTheSquirrels It’s time we take a stand against the squirrels on campus. I remember my freshman year, the squirrels were so nice and kind. They would gently come up to you if you offered them food, and they would even let you touch them if you were kind. Then something changed. We all heard about the rumors, that the physics and chemistry departments were working on genetically modifying the squirrels. They were working on creating a squirrel that was so smart that it would even come to some UNI classes. This next breed of “Super Squirrels” was to be the crowning jewel of the UNI Sciences. Everyone thought this was just a rumor, perpetuated by the economics department and their hatred of the hard sciences. Then we started seeing the changes. The squirrels started getting more aggressive. Feeding them food resulted in them biting students. Then they started getting larger and larger, changing from brown to purple — even walking on two feet. The tipping point started when the squirrels started taking students one by one, never to be seen again. Students were told to go to class in packs of

five or more or risk being taken themselves by these new super squirrels. After doing some hard research, I found out that senior physics major Corbyn Mellinger actually started the program. When questioned for comment Mellinger said, “this was supposed to be my greatest accomplishment. No grad school could deny me once I showed my true potential! But the squirrels became too smart too quickly. One day they got out of their cage. They THINKSTOCK surrounded me. I This particular squirrel is watching Qhugh very closely, as he is suspicious of Qhugh’s plans. There’s no knowing barely got out alive. how many squirrels will fight, but we, as students, must fight back. What have I done?” These squirrels have caused nothing squirrels in what is now known as the Tuesday, April 7 at 1 p.m. we must all but pain and misery since their cre- “Night of 1000 Ripped Tails.” The meet at the Campanile and fight. Bring ation. Some students have tried to stop squirrels have taken the Campanile whatever weapons you have: broadthem. UNI Sword Fighting Club put as their headquarters. This campus is sword, airsoft guns, plastic forks, any up a valiant effort against these beasts. theirs until we can fight back. and all items that could possibly be Unfortunately, there were no survivors. The Board of Regents and Iowa used must be brought. The squirrels have completely taken Guard has blockaded the university, We must all fight together, if we act over our fine university. President and the City Council’s new housing alone, we can be broken, like what hapRuud has become nothing but a pup- restrictions have increased. No student pened to the on-campus Towers when pet master for the squirrel leaders. has been able to leave in weeks. I say they tried to fight by themselves. We NISG President Kevin Gartman hasn’t enough is enough. All of us must fight must act as one university in hopes of been seen from in weeks since he and back. If we do nothing, no one will stopping this. I will see you April 7 at the other SigEp students fought the be able to go to UNI ever again. Next 1 p.m. #UNIMustFightTheSquirrels.

10 positive effects of global warming, BOOM HASHTAG # @uni.edu

Recently, I came across an article that mapped out the top 10 worst effects of global warming. I respectfully disagree with this article in its entirety; so let me tell you why. 1. We are sinking. I mean, are we really “sinking?” I think it is more like the water is rising, but that is a whole different discussion. More importantly, if we are sinking then that just means we will lose cities like LA, New Orleans, Miami and San Francisco. I don’t know about you, but that won’t be too bad. 2. Extinction of several species. First of all, “several” is a very vague word. It could mean 10 or 500, so this is obviously just a statement to scare you. But really this statement shouldn’t scare you at all. If we have the extinction of a species, that means less species that we have to

know about; more room for other more important knowledge. 3. Coral reef destruction. The article says this like we are going out to the ocean with our chainsaws and drills, destroying the coral reefs one at a time. If they do get destroyed, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Every time I have a friend go swimming in the ocean, I feel like they come back with some infection because they cut themselves on a coral reef. So, again, not a bad thing. 4. Increased spread of diseases. The spread of diseases has always been happening. If you say that the increased spread of diseases is a horrible effect, then you would also say that America should never have been settled by Europeans, which would be unpatriotic. If it weren’t for the spread of disease, you wouldn’t be part of a country that is the mother of the free world right now. 5. More destructive hurricanes. I am not even going to talk about this one because the only example the article lists is Hurricane Sandy, but

THINKSTOCK

This picture is an accurate depiction of outerspace. Stellar, dude.

this is just an anomaly and anomalies happen throughout the scientific world and will continue to happen. 6. Increased amount of drought and heat waves. If we are having more water because the ice is melting then shouldn’t we have enough water to combat droughts? Hmm ... Also, what is wrong with heat waves? I would have appreciated a few heat waves this winter. 7. Melting of polar caps. Didn’t we already go over this in number one? This will provide us a means to com-

bat those “nasty” droughts. Another thing that you naysayers haven’t considered is that if the polar ice caps melt then that means the polar bears will have to come out of hiding and adapt to warmer weather. Then we can domesticate them as pets! Who hasn’t wanted a pet polar bear at some point in their life? 8. Worldwide crop failures. Obviously this is caused by the droughts and heat waves, but can’t we agree that humans are smart enough to find ways to produce crops without rain? I think so. I

wonder if the writers of this article think we are incompetent when it comes to producing food. This is a direct attack on the farmers of this magnificent country. 9. More forest fires. More forest fires just means more s’mores for us all. Also if we realize that there are more and more forest fires, we will do something drastic to prevent forest fires. Maybe reallocate flood disaster money to forest fire reduction. (Mind blown). Perhaps the melting of the ice caps will put out the forest fires? There are some simple solutions here people! 10. Formation of deadly smog. Don’t think of this as “deadly smog,” but more of just an annoying steam. And the steam won’t be that annoying either. This means our pores will look amazing. Can someone say, “exfoliate?” This is obviously just another great effect of global warming. As I have shown, global warming isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it has the possibility of having great effects on the world.

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APRIL 2, 2015

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J-Biebs burnt from roasting, warns us of basketball greatness RYAN GOOSLING Not a Belieber

Justin Bieber says he plans on entering NBA Draft. Earlier this week was the notorious “Roast of Justin Bieber” on Comedy Central. Bieber turned 21 in early March. Yes, you read that right, despite looking like he’s finally able to take his driver’s test, he is now able to legally drink alcohol and gamble. Although maybe he should go back and retake his driver’s test because whoever taught him how to drive the first time obviously failed to mention not to drive drunk, crash into other vehicles, run stop signs or drive at the speed of 100mph through residential neighborhoods. But I’ll quit nit-picking at Bieber’s minor driving flaws and get back to my point. For his birthday, he decided to give the best present of all time and agreed to a roast, giving America all they’ve ever wanted, with two hours straight bashing the young star. Bieber had no idea what he was in for, as the brutal panel of roasters brought him to tears six different times on the

show. Why would one of the most hated celebrities alive agree to get roasted in front of a national audience? Well, Bieber had his reasons. He used the roast to set the stage for the biggest announcement of his life. Let me stop right here: shame on anyone out there who thought this announcement was Bieber coming out of the closet and admitting he’s gay. He has more girlfriends than good song releases… which actually might not be saying much. Anyway, at the end of the roast, Bieber actually announced that he has put his name into the 2015 NBA Draft and has every intention of MCT CAMPUS being the next NBA The Beibs ballin’ in the 2011 All-Star Celebrity game, his superstar. That’s facial expression clearly indicating NBA MVP material. right, all 5’9, 145

BASEBALL

lbs. of him says at this time next year he will be leading the NBA MVP race after pushing aside those washed up scrubs like Steph Curry, James Harden, and LeBron James. His confidence stems from the 2011 NBA All-Star game where he had 8 points, went an impressive 3-11 from the field, had four assists and two rebounds. When asked at the end of the game by reporters if he thinks his popularity had any impact on the fan vote which crowned him MVP, he modestly answered: “Absolutely not! I won because I earned it and was by far the best player out there. I could’ve dropped 40 if my teammates had a clue and passed me the rock more. But it’s whatever, I’m a straight up baller.” As you can

imagine, this has been quite a controversial decision and has created a lot fuss. NBA players, coaches and fans say it is a disgrace to the game and 29 of the 30 teams have zero interest in him whatsoever. The New York Knicks are the only team showing interest. They say it’s because they want him to sell tickets, but after looking at their roster, he might have a shot at getting some solid minutes. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver shared his thoughts yesterday, “After looking through his criminal records and past shenanigans, I think the NFL might be more up his alley.” Silver suggested. When confronted about this bold move, Bieber said, “If Shaq can make music, then I can play basketball.” Kind of a head scratching response but take it as you may. Bieber is aware of all his critics and can’t wait to prove everyone wrong. His final response: “And there’s just no turning back, when your hearts under attack, gonna give everything I have, It’s my destiny. I will never say never, I will fight till forever!”

BASKETBALL HEAD OF STATE

UNI Baseball wins CWS before Coach J receives gifts summer even starts fit for a Chancellor SIR SPORTS-A-LOT The GOAT of all GOATs

While in the middle of the college baseball season, teams are looking to stay strong and begin to set their sights on the big tournament: The College World Series. Teams across the country make it their one goal to make the trip to Omaha and fight for the championship title. However, these teams might as well just give up whatever dreams they may have about winning because a champion has already been declared. That’s right: college baseball players everywhere might as well throw away their gloves and go home because for the first time ever, your Northern Iowa Panthers took the CWS trophy almost three months before the tournament even started. This one-of-a-kind victory is the icing on the cake of an already incredible year of athletics for the Panthers. How was UNI declared victors while only half-way through the regular season you ask? Simple, they haven’t lost a game in six years. The CWS executive board decided the rest of the season was pretty much pointless due to the never before seen level of play UNI has demonstrated. This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to the Panther faithful. However, many other schools such as Vanderbilt, UCLA, Arizona, and South Carolina (previous CWS Champions) are

in awe of UNI’s greatness. The Panther’s long-standing and still active record is by far the best streak in the sport, on the planet, ever. The key to the Panthers success is so detailed and intricate, you can’t even lay eyes on it. Going into the 2010 season, the athletic program decided to do something drastic that would shake college baseball to the core: stop showing up for games. This was met with much ridicule as fans stopped attending games also. But soon after the opponents stopped showing up too, losing by default, an absolutely genius tactic. Whenever there were away games, the home team MCT CAMPUS forfeited out of fear of The UNI Panther Baseball team .... the having to play UNI. Jack greatest team you’ve never seen. Dahm, Iowa Hawkeye coach reward. during the 2010 season, was one Kathryn Morrissey, Executive of the many coaches that refused Director of the CWS, gave a to play the mighty Panthers. statement as she announced “I’m not going to put my UNI as the champions yesterday: players at risk. A team that is “I’ve been to many Panther so good, they don’t even have games. You can see and not see, to take the field? Count me the amount of work these kids out,” said Dahm. Many teams have put in over the years. It’s continued to follow suit with about time UNI be recognized, this mindset and once again they deserve this.” UNI became the great team A rally will be held for nobody knows about, until now. the Panther’s outstanding All these years of acting like accomplishment this weekend. the baseball team wasn’t around However, the baseball team may has finally paid off. They can or may not be present for the finally come out of the shadows event. and claim their prestigious

QUEEN P Queen President Exec. Editor

Citizens of Cedar Falls can now rest easy at night as the University of Northern Iowa’s men’s basketball coach, Ben Jacobson, has just been granted a key to the city. Cedar Falls’ mayor, Jon Crews presented Jacobson with the key to the city after naming Jacobson Chancellor of Cedar Falls, a position which did not exist prior to their meeting. Crews said this turn of events is an extension of the City’s gratitude toward Jacobson’s recent success with the men’s basketball team in the NCAA. Jacobson was thrilled to receive such high honors from the community and hopes he can live up to the community’s expectations next season. “I don’t think there’s a higher honor that could have been bestowed upon me,” Jacobson said. “I will continue to accept positions the City of Cedar Falls can create for me in order to impress the community.” After a press conference Tuesday afternoon, citizens of Cedar Falls threw flowers at Jacobson’s feet to show

their admiration. One such woman offered her pet tarantula. “I just want him to have my tarantula as a sign of fear every other basketball team should feel for next year – there’s no doubt Jacobson will carry the team to victories next year,” said Krystin Hedeen, long-time citizen of Cedar Falls. Crews, who is an avid basketball fan, met with city council members early last week to come up with some form of appreciation for Jacobson’s hard work. Crews said the chancellorship and key-presenting just made sense. “I mean, he’s done so much for the community, it’s time we give something back to the man who has made a positive dent for UNI’s name and legacy,” Crews said. With all of these accomplishments, I’m sure the UNI community and the City of Cedar Falls will be expecting a bigger season next year, and possibly Jacobson will receive more accolades. Is a possible knighting in the near future for Jacobson? “Whoa, I’m great, but I’m not THAT great,” Jacobson said.

Fun&Games

DAKOTA INGLES

MANAGING EDITOR INGLESDNI@GMAIL.COM

APRIL 2, 2015 |

NORTHERN-IOWAN.ORG

PAGE 7

VOLUME 111, ISSUE 46

64 Allow 65 Lush 66 In the wrong business? 67 Scone fruit

Across 1 Sweet Spanish wine 7 Work unit: Abbr. 11 Mendel’s sci. 14 Place to surf 15 Washbowl partner 16 Protein-building molecule 17 Holy woman sculpted by Bernini 19 Battleship letters 20 Self-conscious question 21 Preceder of old age? 22 Peoria-to-Decatur dir. 25 It may call for lateral thinking 28 Iconic figure with an anchor tattoo 30 Tenochtitlán natives 31 Zenith

32 Chanted phrase 35 Van Gogh painting depicting peasants 41 Hostile advance 42 Toe loop kin 43 Not around much 46 Campaign ad urging 48 Many a sofa 52 Common animal in “The Far Side” comics 53 Participated in a poetry slam 54 Holey reef dweller 56 Give __: pay attention 57 Words spoken often this time of year, one of which is anagrammed four times in this puzzle 62 Whirlpool site 63 __ nitrate

Sudoku One HOROSCOPES

By Nancy Black Tribune Content Agency (TNS) Today’s Birthday (04/02/15). Play full out this year. Go for love, health and prosperity. Share epic adventures and magical moments. Collaboration requires adaptation after 4/4. Work together for a shared dream. Doors appear after Saturn goes direct (6/14). Reach a new level professionally after 10/13. Schedule personal time for after 10/27. Grow from your heart. To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 the most challenging. Aries (March 21-April 19) -- Today is a 9 -- Get in communication and together you can move mountains. Long distance charges apply. Tap hidden resources. Good news arrives from far away. A little persuasion is all it takes. Solve a work puzzle, and

harvest the profits. Taurus (April 20-May 20) -Today is an 8 -- All the pieces line up today. Follow a passion and benefits arise with long-lasting impact. Accept a sweet deal. Make decisions together with your partner. Track the spending. Fall in love all over again. Gemini (May 21-June 20) -- Today is a 7 -- Invest in your family’s comfort. Add long-lasting beauty. Do the homework and research a fabulous bargain. A lucky break solves the puzzle. You have what you need. Friends teach you the rules. Together, you can handle anything. Cancer (June 21-July 22) -Today is a 7 -- Profit through communications and networking today. Invest in quality equipment for your business. Creative work pays well. You’re learning something fascinating, and more study is required. A lucky break

Down 1 High pts. 2 “So that’s the answer!” 3 Island souvenir 4 Years in the Roman legion 5 Manages 6 It’s worn 7 Physics Nobelist of 1938 8 Typical “Divergent” reader 9 Guitar man Paul 10 Beach top 11 Banana blemish 12 How many artists work 13 Police weapons 18 Greek vowel 21 Gangster film sound effect 22 Cross words 23 Junior-to-be 24 Sport with double touches 26 Museum that awards the Turner Prize 27 Biblical scribe 29 No longer valid 32 “Nixon in China” tenor role 33 __ moment’s notice 34 Auction bid, often 36 Formerly 37 Half of seis 38 Board member, usually 39 Slots spot 40 Impede 43 Overachiever’s concern 44 Chintzy 45 Turkish peak 46 Thin layer 47 “Star Wars” surname 49 Best Angler and Best Jockey, e.g. 50 Ask (for), as a job 51 First car, for many 55 Actor Morales 57 Harrison role 58 Ovid’s “I love” 59 CNN launcher 60 Wearer of a “Y” sweatshirt 61 Stimpy’s chum

Sudoku Two reveals the missing puzzle piece. Friends teach you. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -Today is a 9 -- It’s a good time to ask for money. Results are better than expected. Study the situation, and then choose. Long-distance travels and communications flow with ease. You have what you need. Miracles do happen. Expand your territory. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -Today is a 9 -- You’re the star, with more attention than expected. Get what you’ve been saving for. Family fortunes seem to be expanding. Friends are there for you. Rely on experience. Throw another plate on the table for unexpected company. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) -Today is a 7 -- Your partner can get further today. Let someone else answer the phone. Clean house and organize. Set aside worries for now. Relax and pam-

Sudoku One

Sudoku Two per yourself. Creative insight arises in the shower. Make a decision you can live with. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) -Today is an 8 -- Meetings and collaborations get extra-productive today. Work together. Provide excellent service. Your reputation precedes you. Creative collaborations provide long-lasting, shared benefit. An unexpected bonus surprises the team. Share treats and celebrate. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Today is an 8 -- Explore a subject for the fun of it, and unexpected profits arise. Your growing talents increase your professional status. Make longrange plans. Accept accolades. Do what you love, and let people know what you’re up to. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) -Today is an 8 -- Find what you need for home and family. Help arrives from afar. Prepare for

change. Learn from experience. Finishing old projects helps, too. Do what worked before. The truth gets revealed. Put together a fabulous deal. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) -Today is an 8 -- Collaboration flows today. Write, record and produce a masterpiece. Get the word out. The money is your motivation, and it’s good. Keep your team in the loop. Accept a compliment from an adversary and assistance from your friends. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) -Today is a 9 -- You and a partner can rake in the dough today. Put together a strong pitch. Behindthe-scenes negotiations lead to a sweet deal. Ask for what you really want. Finishing old tasks is rewarding. Everything seems possible.

PAGE 8 APRIL 2, 2015 |

FOR SALE / FOR RENT Looking for short term rental or no roommate? My efficiency apartment will be available May 1, 2015. No utilities, pets, smoking; private bathroom. Off street parking, close to UNI. Call 319-2663935 - leave message For Rent: Nice upstairs 2 bedroom duplex apartments. 1911 Tremont St. CF. Near UNI. Stove, fridge, W/D, AC. Garage. Avail. June 1. No pets. $605/mo 319-266-0903 For rent 4 bedroom house 516 W 7th ST CF $1100/mo. Central air, stove, refrig, W/D furnished. Avail. June 1, 2015 thru May 31, 2016. Call after 5pm. 641-394-3689 509 W. 18th St. 4 bed, 1 bath, Washer& Dryer, Central air. $1200 per month. Lease starts June1. Pets Possible. Call 319-231-2242. GOLD FALLS VILLA...now renting for 2015-2016 school yr. 1 and 2 bedrooms available. Availability for may or August. 1 year lease. Includes water, sewer, trash, cable and internet. Can’t beat this location right across the street from campus. Stop in now to reserve your apartment or call 319-277-5231 Visit us at www.goldfallsvilla.com 1-4 bed units w/ free w/s/g/cable 1-4 bed units open now and near future. Central air, secure, quiet. School year lease and some short term, very flexible. Cat friendly. 10 min North of Cedar Falls. Close but yet away from high rents/noise. 319-352-5555 or www.hildebrandrentals.com Email manager@hildebrandrentals.com

Classifieds NORTHERN-IOWAN.ORG

DAKOTA INGLES

MANAGING EDITOR INGLESDNI@GMAIL.COM

VOLUME 111, ISSUE 46

FOR SALE / FOR RENT 4 bedroom by UNI 2 baths off street parking, central air, washer/dryer. 1 year lease $1180/ mo + $1180/deposit. 319-239-4246 Brad

Tuition too expensive?

4 BR/2 Bath HOUSE, 718 E. Seerley Blvd, CF $1175 per/mo., Avail. JUNE 1, No pets/No smoking, 1 Yr. lease + Dep. J&P Properties PH: 319-231-0517 Campus Court - 3 Bedroom / 2 Bath Walking Distance to UNI 9015-9135 University Avenue Cedar Falls, Iowa 50613 FREE CABLE AND INTERNET Large Eat In Kitchen & Living Room, Laundry On-Site, $1000.00/Month, $100.00 Deposit/Person, No Application Fee MOVE IN DATE : May 29th, 2015. Units are filling up fast for May!! Call us today at 319-5515386 or 319-365-3610. Email: Campuscourtapartments@gmail. com ***APPLY BEFORE APRIL 10th AND RECEIVE $100 OFF YOUR FIRST FULL MONTHS RENT!

HELP WANTED Looking for a responsible adult/ college student that needs a place to live. Nice 4 bedroom house within walking distance of UNI/ College Hill. Stove, fridge, W/D. On site parking, large fenced in backyard. Avail June 1. No pets. $1170/mo. 319-266-0903 Pita Pit is now accepting applications at the Cedar Falls location. Google: Pita Pit Application.

Last week, Congressman Rod Blum voted to make it harder for you to pay for school. Call Rep. Blum and ask him why he’s against making college more affordable:

(319) 266-6925

Paid for by Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee · 430 S. Capitol Street, S.E. Washington, D.C. 20003 · (202) 863-1500 Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

Farm Help. Part time school year and full time summer help wanted on a family owned pig farm. General duties involve assisting with daily chores, light maintenance, and assistance with mixing feed rations. Must have a valid driver’s license. No experience is necessary. Email peter.t.schneider@gmail.com.

Library Hours for April 4-5, 2015 Saturday April 4 10:00 a.m - 5:oo p.m Sunday April 5 3:00 p.m - 12:00 midnight

No Deposit required if you sign a lease by April 6th

Graduate on schedule! Take a summer course at IOWA. On campus or online. isis.uiowa.edu

ContinuingEd.UNI.ad.5.95x7.5.indd 1

3/13/15 11:21 AM