I wish I could say through Covid-19, I’ve managed to stay creative and motivated. However, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t struggled, which is incredibly disheartening whilst trying to finish a passion project I love. So, I introduce to you my first zine - Small Town Boy. This zine may not be what I expected to create, but I had to adapt to the current global crisis and learn to work alone from home. Inspired my personal story growing up gay in a rural area within Northern Ireland. Small Town Boy is a coming-of-age story about self-discovery, overcoming small town mindsets and accepting your queer identity, Small Town Boy says “fuck you” to the quiet and slow paced life that represses LGBTQ+ youth. I deciate this zine to every queer child that was made to feel like an outcast, or that they didn’t belong. A dedication to all my small town boys xx EDITOR IN CHIEF REUBEN FRANCIS NEILL
LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF To the boy kneeling at the end of his bed, hands clutched together, crying out “God, take the gay away”. I ask you to stop and to let go. He isn’t going to change you. Do you know why? Because there is nothing that needs to be changed. Even though you don’t see it now; and even at twenty you still struggle to see it - you are worthy. You are loved. I know this never-ending internal battle between your relationship with God and your sexual identity is immensely challenging. I’m sorry that you have to keep it all to yourself. That your wee head is consumed and overwhelmed with fear and negativity; but these fears and tears that you cry so often are holding you back. I wish I could hold your wee hands and look into those teary eyes, those pure and innocent eyes and tell you that this journey will be easy. Unfortunately, it won’t be. You will cry many more tears. You will keep talking to God. You’ll ask yourself, “why me, why this?” You’ve convinced yourself that it’s all a lie; but deep down, you know the truth and that’s what scares you the most. One day, you will live life without constant fear and hesitation - You will live life as your true, authentic self. Be proud of who you are and accept who you are; because the sooner you do, the easier life will be. As for the people around you? It is going to take them a little longer. You’ve grown up in a small town, near a small city, in a small country surrounded by people that don’t understand those who are different. Small town, small minds - they don’t like what they don’t understand, if truth be told it scares them. A gay son to a Northern Irish Pentecostal Pastor - it sometimes feels as if God is playing a sick joke. I can’t deceive you and lead you to believe that Mum and Dad will take it well, as I know you couldn’t bare the false hope. Although they won’t take it well, they still love you… just give them time. Be prepared for the relentless arguments and disagreements. They’ll ask “how?” and “why?” and they’ll question where they went wrong as parents. “God is a God of Miracles” Dad will say, “We can pray for you” but they won’t. No amount of prayer will change you. Nothing about you needs to be changed. You’re going to do yourself proud. I’m already proud of the person you are becoming. When I look back, I’m in awe of your strength, power and the resilience that you’ve shown. There is endless opportunities, freedom and true happiness ahead of you, which I know you won’t believe now so I’ll not try to convince you otherwise. You will be the person you dream of being… trust me, trust yourself! Embrace the journey and trust the process. With love, your older self xx
by Reuben Francis Neill