Kevin the Vampire: A Most Mysterious Monster

First published in the UK in 2023 by Nosy Crow Ltd

Wheat Wharf, 27a Shad Thames, London, SE1 2XZ, UK

Nosy Crow Eireann Ltd

44 Orchard Grove, Kenmare, Co Kerry, V93 FY22, Ireland

Nosy Crow and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Nosy Crow Ltd

Text copyright © Matt Brown, 2023

Cover and illustrations copyright © Flavia Sorrentino, 2023

The rights of Matt Brown and Flavia Sorrentino to be identified as the author and the illustrator respectively of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved

ISBN: 978 1 83994 540 3

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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To Liz, thanks for the brilliant idea x M.B.

To all the stars that lit my way, especially my parents Stefania and Maurizio F.S.

TO FOLLOW

ARE WE NEARLY THERE YET?

It was almost impossible to tell that Kevin Aurelius was a vampire. He looked just like any other ten-year-old.

Well, apart from his fangs obviously.

And the fact that he didn’t cast a shadow.

And that he was immortal.

But apart from that it was almost impossible to tell.

Kevin wriggled his bottom and adjusted his shorts. His legs had become stuck to his seat, just like they always did on long journeys. He lifted them up, one at a time, and peeled them off the sticky plastic seat covering. Across from him sat his

mum and dad, and over in the gloomy corner of the carriage Kevin could just make out his brother and sister, Silus and Sylvia, hanging upside down from the ceiling, whispering and giggling. They were up to something – Kevin just knew it. He sighed and glanced out of the Aurelius family carriage window, catching a glimpse of the other Carnival Monstromo carriages as they thundered round a bend on the narrow mountain pass.

Kevin felt something nuzzle his leg. He smiled and looked down as Dog sat at his feet, ears pricked, tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth.

Dog was not a dog. Nobody was very sure what he was exactly, but Kevin loved Dog with all his hearts (vampires have two, a bit like cows. Or is that stomachs? Anyway, the point is that Kevin loved Dog a lot). Kevin told all his secrets to Dog. Like the secret that he wanted to ride dragons, or the other secret that he’d once accidentally eaten someone else’s earwax, or his biggest secret of all, which was that he was lonely because he didn’t really have any friends. Carnival Monstromo only stopped in places long enough to put on a show, which was never enough time to meet anyone.

Kevin reached into the pocket of his shorts and pulled out a treat. Dog’s tail thumped with excitement as Kevin held it up.

“Wait for it,” he said, smiling. “Wait for it.”

Kevin tossed the treat high into the air as Dog unfurled his furry wings and flew up. He opened

his mouth wide to reveal seven razor sharp teeth, grabbing the treat in mid-air. Then, munching happily, he flew back down to settle in Kevin's lap.

“Who’s a good boy then?” Kevin whispered, giving the scales on Dog’s belly a scratch.

Dog looked up at Kevin, burped and coughed up a ball of fur. The ball of fur suddenly grew fifteen legs and scuttled away to the corner of the carriage.

Outside the window, the dark began to gather.

Above Kevin’s head, candles spluttered into life all by themselves, and cast a bright flickering light around the carriage.

Kevin opened his book, HIDEOUS FACTS AND DISGUSTING SECRETS OF MONSTERS, BRUTES AND BEASTS, and began to read. He was trying to discover as much as possible about ancient sea monsters, and he’d just found a particularly interesting one. A species known as the Evil Lynns, who would lure people to the water’s edge with their strange songs, then flick water right in their faces and steal their socks. Kevin was just reading about their strange underwater feeding habits (meatball spaghetti smothered in apple sauce) when a foot kicked him in the side of the head. “OW!”

Kevin’s mum looked up from the brochure she was reading. It had the words FESTIVAL OF FEAR on the front with a picture of a skeleton in a cape standing on the back of a fire-breathing dragon.

“Sorry, Kevin, did you say something?”

“Someone just kicked me,” he said, rubbing his head and glaring at his siblings as they leapt around the carriage, head-springing off the seats.

Kevin’s mum took a deep breath. “Silus! Sylvia!” she said. “Please be more careful of your brother.” Silus tutted as he forward-rolled down the aisle.

“But, Mum,” he moaned.

“We’re only practising,” added Sylvia, backwards-rolling past Silus. “And Kevin’s head always gets in the way because it’s so massive.”

“It is not so massive,” said Kevin, a little defensively. “It’s completely normal-sized for a vampire of my age.”

He turned and looked at his reflection in the window (to check how big his head actually was), but then remembered vampires don’t have reflections.

Kevin’s mum started grinding her fangs, and a large ruby that hung from a chain round her neck began to glow, as it always did when she got angry.

“Well, go and practise in the luggage compartment,” she said.

“We can’t,” said Sylvia. “Uncle Drax’s coffin is in there.”

“He’s fast asleep,” added Silus.

Kevin’s mum raised her left eyebrow. “Hmm, that is a problem,” she said.

“Yes,” said Kevin's dad, stroking his pointy black beard with his long, taloned fingers. “You don’t want to disturb Uncle Drax. Remember what happened the last time someone woke him up?”

Kevin’s mother shuddered at the memory. The white shock at the front of her enormous beehive of black hair shivered as she did.

“It took nearly two days to clean up the mess,” added Kevin’s dad. “Dreadful business.”

Kevin’s mum turned back to Silus and Sylvia. “Can't you try the dining carriage?”

“The werewolves are in there,” said Silus, performing a headstand on the arm of a chair.

“I thought the werewolves were in the storage carriage,” said Kevin’s dad.

“No, Dad,” said Sylvia, back-handspringing off

a small table. “Dr Frankie and Igor are in the storage carriage. They said they needed some room for a new top-secret experiment.”

“Well, you’ll just have to practise on the roof,” said their mum.

“The roof?” said Silus, turning towards Kevin. “Why can’t he go on the roof?’

“Yeah, he doesn’t have anything to practise.” said Sylvia.

Kevin’s mum looked at him. Kevin knew what was coming next. His brother and sister always got their way because they were the carnival’s top performers, and Kevin wasn’t good at anything yet.

“Would you mind, Kevin?” she said, smiling. “Your brother and sister need to practise and Dog would probably like a breath of fresh air.”

Kevin stared at Sylvia and Silus.

“OK,” he grumbled, although it wasn’t OK at all.

“You can easily get up to the roof – just change into a bat and fly,” sniggered Silus.

“Don’t be mean to your brother,” said Kevin’s mum as she started to read her brochure again.

Silus and Sylvia giggled as Kevin picked up Dog and clambered out of the carriage window and up on to the roof. They knew he couldn’t turn into a bat and always teased him about it. It wasn’t Kevin’s fault. Bat transformation was a lot harder than it looked. The last time he’d tried he’d turned himself into a box of doughnuts, which Silus and Sylvia had teased him about for days.

“Are we nearly there yet, Gog?” asked Kevin, sitting down next to the driver on the roof.

Gogmagog the ogre was Carnival Monstromo’s Creature Keeper and carriage driver. In the bright moonlight his usually pale greeny-grey skin looked more like the colour of sludgy stinky pondweed than his usual elephant-snot colour. Gogmagog shook the reins in his gigantic hands. The dragon, Branwen, attached to the other end blew out huge jets of fire as she leapt over a hedgerow, dragging the carriages into the air behind her.

steering the dragon across a field.

“ONE HOUR,” boomed Gog,

“BUT WE STOP AT NEXT SERVICE STATION. BRANNIE NEED A DRINK AND ME IS BURSTING FOR A WEE.”

MONSTER FACT FILE

Name:Kevin Aurelius

Species:Vampire ( om the Old Country)

Carnival Job: None yet as too young. Hopes to y dragons or become the Creature Keeper. Special Move(s):Abili to speak many monster languages.

Likes: Dog, Gogmagog the ogre, being with all the creatures in the carnival, ying Brannie the dragon.

Dislikes: His brother and sister. No one listening to him. Not having a iend.

STRANGERS KEEP OUT!

The carriages of Carnival Monstromo clattered to a halt in a cloud of dust. Kevin was jolted awake from where he’d fallen asleep next to Gogmagog. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Brannie, the dragon from the valleys, snorted and pawed at the ground. Gogmagog the ogre rapped his enormous knuckles on the roof.

“ARRIVED!” he thundered. Kevin looked around. They had been heading for Monstros City, a huge sprawling, bustling metropolis, but this wasn’t a city at all. A bat flapped out of the carriage below and flew up to the roof. Then, in a puff of smoke, Kevin’s dad appeared.

He sat down in between Kevin and Gog. Dog opened his eyes and coughed up something that looked like a bright green rat into Kevin’s lap.

“Hmmm, I don’t think this is Monstros City,” said Kevin’s dad as a large ink-stained map of the land of Grackelser Odd appeared in mid-air right in front of him.

The bright green rat thing in Kevin’s lap blinked a couple of times before wiggling its nose and exploding.

Kevin’s dad continued, “This place is called…”

He looked at a small sign by the side of the road that was almost completely covered in thorny brambles and weeds.

“Lower Drudging,” he said. “Gog, you’ve driven us right into the middle of Nowhere.”

Kevin’s dad pointed at a part of the map that was marked NOWHERE . The edge of Nowhere was bordered by a meandering blue line.

“We must have crossed the River of Tears somewhere,” he added. “We’re further away from Monstros City than ever.”

Gogmagog opened a small wooden box and pulled out a tiny dark brown creature with wings. It hung from his gigantic finger and snored gently.

“BATNAV NOT WORKING.” He shrugged, putting the bat back in the box.

In another puff of smoke Kevin’s mother appeared on the roof.

“Problem?”

Kevin’s dad nodded. “We’re in the wrong place.”

Silus and Sylvia appeared in two more puffs of smoke.

“What’s going on?” asked Sylvia, rubbing sleep out of her eyes, as Silus yawned, “Where are we?”

Kevin’s dad looked again at the sign. “We’re lost,” he said. “Somewhere called Lower Drudging, in the middle of Nowhere. We’ve never been this far east before.”

“Nowhere?” gasped Kevin’s mum. “But that’s where humans live, isn’t it?”

Kevin’s dad nodded. “That’s right, although I’ve never seen one before. Have you?”

Kevin’s mum thought for a moment. “No,” she said. “I don’t know any monster who has.”

“Uncle Drax used to tell us stories about humans,” said Silus. “He said they make clothes out of their belly button fluff.”

“And that they eat their toenails on toast and that they sneeze their brains out their noses to ward off strangers,” added Sylvia.

“Now Sylvia,” said Kevin’s mum, “those are just Uncle Drax’s silly stories. I’m sure humans are actually very nice.”

“And besides,” added Kevin’s dad, “we’ve got other problems.”

He clicked his fingers and the map vanished. In its place a beautiful wooden chest appeared.

“We’re out of gold,” he said. “We need more money to travel. We’re low on dragon food and we need new wheels for all the carriages.”

Kevin peered into the chest and, sure enough, it was empty.

“Shame you can’t make gold appear out of

thin air,” he said.

Kevin’s dad shook his head. “This is no time for silly suggestions,” he said, clicking his fingers and making the chest disappear. “This is serious.”

“But we’ve got to get to Monstros City,” said Silus. “We’re going to the FESTIVAL OF FEAR.”

Kevin took a piece of paper out of his pocket. It was a flyer that said:

ROLL UP! ROLL UP!

FOR THE WORLD-FAMOUS FESTIVAL OF FEAR

THE THRILLS! THE SPILLS! THE CHILLS! COME AND SEE THE INCREDIBLE DRAGON PARADE AMAZING PRIZES MUST BE WON!!!

The Festival of Fear was the highlight of the monstering calendar and Kevin definitely did not want to miss it. He’d been dreaming of the sights and sounds and smells of the festival for months. There would be other carnivals and monsters from all corners of the land – sharing stories, showing off amazing new acts, and taking part in competitions and galas and parties. Kevin couldn’t wait for the Dragon Parade because, for the very first time, Brannie was old enough to take part. Kevin’s parents had agreed he could sit on Brannie with Gog during the display. The thought of missing it made both his hearts sink.

But as Kevin looked at the empty wooden chest, and then at the Lower Drudging sign, he suddenly had a brilliant idea.

“Why don’t we put on a show right here? You never know, the humans might like it,” he said, although because he was so used to not being listened to he said it very quietly.

Kevin’s mum looked up. “What was that?”

Sylvia snorted. “Just a stupid idea about putting on a show here,” she said.

Kevin’s dad looked around. “Put on a show here?” he said. “That’s not a stupid idea.”

Kevin’s mum nodded. “Not at all, Sylvia. It’s a brilliant idea. Everyone loves the excitement of a carnival, even humans, and it could earn us enough gold to get to Monstros City.”

Kevin’s dad smiled. “Well done, Sylvia, you've saved the day,” he said. “Gog, let’s head into the town and find somewhere to set up Carnival Monstromo. We’ll give Lower Drudging a show that they’ll never forget.”

Sylvia stuck her tongue out at Kevin, then smiled.

Kevin turned to Dog. “Absolutely typical,” he muttered. “No one ever listens to me.”

Dog wagged his tail and then let out a rasping, stinking burp, right in Kevin’s face.

Gogmagog shook the reins and Brannie the dragon pulled the carriage along the road towards

the town. But as they sped past the sign that said LOWER DRUDGING, a gust of wind momentarily blew away the thorny brambles and weeds that covered it.

LOWER DRUDGING K P OUT!

(ESPECIALLY MONSTERS!)

MONSTER FACT FILE

Name:Dog

Age: Unknown

Species: Unknown, but de nitely not a dog. A cross be een something really angry, really hungry, and really s nky. With wings.

Carnival Job: Garbage disposal. Dog goes around all bins and eats ALL the contents.

Likes: Kevin, sleeping, Kevin sleeping. Also par al to drinking out of toilets.

Warning: Don’t ever let Dog lick your face.

3

A GIRL NAMED SUSIE

Susie Cabbage opened her eyes and stared at the clock on her bedside table. The solitary hand on its face was still in the section marked SLEEP .

All the numbers on Susie’s clock had been scratched off and replaced with sticky labels that marked it into different sections, each with a handwritten instruction scrawled on it.

SLEEP was the smallest section of all and was immediately followed by a section marked WAKE UP, LAZY!

This was followed by a section marked SWEEP FLOORS NOW! , which was followed by a section marked COOK US BREAKFAST.

This was followed by a section marked WASH UP (REALLY, REALLY WELL), which was followed by a section marked COOK YOUR OWN BREAKFAST (REALLY, REALLY QUICKLY AND EAT IT STANDING UP SO YOU DON’T DIRTY A CHAIR).

This was followed by a section marked WASH OUR CLOTHES, which was followed by a section marked DRY OUR CLOTHES.

This was followed by a section marked WASH YOUR CLOTHES (BUT ONLY IF THERE’S TIME AND DON’T USE ALL THE HOT WATER), which was followed by a section marked GO TO SCHOOL (AND DON’T BE LATE OR THERE’LL BE TROUBLE!).

The clock also had sections after the section marked GO TO SCHOOL.

These included:

• SCRUB OUTSIDE TOILET

• RUB OUR FEET

• APPLY OUR VERRUCA OINTMENT

• CLIP OUR TOENAILS

• COOK OUR TEA

• WASH UP (REALLY, REALLY WELL)

• CLEAN KITCHEN (AND WE MEAN PROPERLY!)

• COOK YOUR TEA (BUT ONLY IF THERE’S TIME AND EAT IT STANDING UP)

• PLUCK OUR NOSTRILS AND EARS

• DISPOSE OF NOSTRIL/EAR TRIMMINGS (SHOVE OVER GARDEN FENCE INTO JOYCE SPATCHCOCK’S STUPID GARDEN)

This was how every day for Susie went, until finally, mercifully, the hands of her clock reached the tiny section marked SLEEP again.

Next to Susie’s clock sat a small stack of well-thumbed books. Every evening, after she had thrown her aunts’ hairy clippings over Joyce Spatchcock’s fence, Susie liked to clamber into her bed, pull her blanket up to her nose, and read her books from cover to cover. They were stories about pirates and people who cast spells and found treasure in attics and caves and buried on islands.

Susie loved adventure stories, possibly because there was so little adventure in her own life.

Susie pushed an enormous tangle of hair off her face and yawned. She reached across to draw back her thin threadbare curtain and looked at the sky. Maybe the moon woke me up, she wondered.

It was full and bright and sat in the sky like a peach just waiting to be plucked and eaten. Lower Drudging was quiet, as usual, but as Susie looked out of her window, she could hear a strange, faraway rumbling sound. For a moment she thought it might be her own hungry tummy, but it wasn’t –it was coming from outside.

That’s weird, thought Susie.

Lower Drudging was not the kind of place where strange noises happened, faraway or not. Susie got out of bed, padded across the floor and carefully opened her bedroom door. Cautiously she peeped out on to the landing. Her aunts’ bedroom door was closed and she could hear them snoring in their beds.

Please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up, she thought as she tiptoed across the landing, past her aunts’ bedroom door, and towards the large window that looked out down the road. They would be furious if they found her out of bed. Although they were furious about most things.

At the window Susie looked up and down, trying to see where the noise was coming from. In the distance she could see Lower Drudging Park. Butterflies flittered in Susie’s tummy as she heard the strange rumbling sound again and saw what looked like a long, shadowy train-like thing with flames bursting out of its front. Susie stood completely still, not daring to even breathe, and watched as the long, shadowy train-like thing seemed to jump off the road, fly over the great wooden entrance gates and surrounding oak trees, and land inside the park.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

Susie’s aunts were standing right behind her, goggle-eyed and snarling.

“I-I-I just thought I—” stammered Susie, trying to explain.

“BEING OUT OF BED WITHOUT PERMISSION IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR!” shrieked both aunts at once, their identical wiry grey hair twitching with rage.

“But—” said Susie, pointing out of the window.

“GET TO BED IMMEDIATELY!!”

Susie shuffled back into her room. She listened as her aunts tutted and muttered before slamming their bedroom door. Susie sat on her bed and looked at her clock as the hand ticked out of the section marked SLEEP and into the section marked WAKE UP,

LAZY!