OCTOBER 2014
The gift and the guilt of …
THE SOLE SURVIVOR An RD ORIGINAL ... 64
FROM FOOTBALL CHAMPS TO TORNADO HEROES From THE STORM AND THE TIDE ... 112
CONFESSIONS OF A COP
MY WIFE IS GOING TO MARS
From CRACKED.COM 102
From TEXAS MONTHLY 130
LOUISIANA GHOST STORY From NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TRAVELER ... 106
Billy Crystal Kids Around ..................................... 28 The Wake-Up Call .................................................. 40 5 Good Habits That Backfire ................................. 58 The FBI’s Most Read File ....................................... 142 A Pope Who Burns with Joy ................................. 122 Kick Your Sugar Addiction ................................... 76 13 Secrets of Urgent Care Centers ....................... 136 Removable bookmark brought to you by
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Contents OCTOBER 2014
Cover Story
64
SOLE SURVIVOR The odds of surviving even the most serious plane crash are 76 percent. The odds of being the only one are infinitesimal.
JEFF WISE
Public Health
76
HOW TO CRACK AMERICA’S SUGAR PROBLEM You can change what you crave. ADAPTED FROM SUGAR SAVVY SOLUTION
Family
84
WEEKEND WITH UNCLE GUTTA I finally told him I’d go to the Renaissance Faire. It meant more to him than I knew. B R I G I D D U F F Y F R O M Q U E ST FO R K I N D N E S S National Interest
88
WORD POWER FOR BABIES We can break the cycle of poverty with something simple, free, and abundant. M E L I S SA FAY G R E E N E Culture
102
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CONFESSIONS OF A COP
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Hollywood gets police work completely wrong. Here’s the real deal. A S TO L D TO R O B E R T E VA N S F R O M C R AC K E D.CO M First Person
106
MY LOUISIANA GHOST STORY Was the inn haunted or not?
A N D R E W E VA N S
F R O M N AT I O N A L G E O G R A P H I C T R AV E L E R
P HOTOGRA PH BY A DAM VOORHES
Book Bonus
112
THE STORM & THE TIDE A coach and his team became the lifeline for an entire town. L A RS ANDERSON ADAPTED FROM THE STORM AND THE TIDE
My Most Unforgettable Character
122
THE POPE WHO BURNS WITH JOY The heightened humanity of Pope Francis.
AU ST E N I V E R E I G H
What It’s Like …
130
ILLUSTRATION BY BRYAN CHRISTIE DESIGN
TO SEND YOUR WIFE TO MARS JASON STANFORD FROM TEXAS MONTHLY
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Volume 184
| Issue 1104
OCTOBER 2014
4 Editor’s Note
6 Letters
Everyday Heroes
8 Two Men Against One—
with a Gun M E LODY WA R NI CK
11 She’s Lifting Cars and
Spirits
BETH DREHER
VOICES & VIEWS Department of Wit
13 Client Feedback on the
Creation of Earth A round of notes for God on that whole sea-and-land project. M IKE LAC HE R FROM MCSWEENEYS.NET
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READER FAVORITES
Words of Lasting Interest
16 “Always Go to the Funeral” Choose to make the small gesture with the big meaning. D E IR D R E SU L L I VAN FROM THIS I BELIEVE
20 100-Word True Stories 25 Faces of America
Cancer Bracelets
34 Points to Ponder
Can a school ban wristbands because of a slogan?
46 All in a Day’s Work 60 News from the World of Medicine 74 Laughter, the Best Medicine 101 Laugh Lines 128 That’s Outrageous! 134 Photo of Lasting Interest 147 Word Power 150 RD.com 154 Humor in Uniform 156 Quotable Quotes 2
You Be the Judge
23 The Case of the Breast
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VICKI GLEMBOCKI
Finish This Sentence
26 A Stranger Would Never
Guess That I … Great Minds
28 Billy Crystal Kids Around From funny beginnings, he just can’t stop cracking us up. A N DY S I M M O N S ADDITIONAL MEDIA IN OUR TABLET VERSIONS
ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE WACKSM AN
18 Life in These United States
FROM TOP: PHOTOGRAPH BY GREGORY REID. I LLUSTRATI ON BY BRYA N CHRISTIE D E SIG N. PHOTOG RAPH BY STE VE VACCAR IE L LO ( WOMAN)
ART OF LIVING
37 You Can Save It! K IERA AARON
Family
40 The Wake-Up Call DEBORAH S KOLNIK
Home
42 The Dirt on Clean
Bedding
JOLIE KERR
F R O M D E A D S P I N .CO M
Technology
44 Want to Learn? Lose
the Laptop P.
FRED BARBASH FROM THE WAS H I N GTO N P OST
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Health
52 The Pain Down There WHO KNEW?
SARI H ARRAR FROM PREVENTION
56 The Most Dangerous
136 13 Things Urgent Care
Times for Your Heart
Centers Won’t Tell You
JOEL K. KAHN, MD
M IC HE LLE CR O U CH
58 “Good” Habits That
138 Fun Facts About Color
Can Backfire
A LISON C AP O R I M O
BY TH E PH YS ICIANS O F T H E DOCTOR S
142 This FBI File Has Been
Read Over a Million Times A LISON C AP O R I M O
144 Spot the Shimmering
Cities A LISON C AP O R I M O
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Editor’s Note SOME PEOPLE SAY everything they think, but I’m not one of them. My default setting is quiet. I worked hard to override that tendency when my twins were born. The parenting magazines were clear: Read to your baby, certainly, but it’s even more enriching to talk to them. Words of all kinds matter, as long as they come from a human being and
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not a screen. Through my haze of exhaustion, I tried (joyously some days, valiantly others) to chat, ramble, and converse with the cooing, crying, insatiable new loves of my life. Today the studies continue to roll in. As I learned from Melissa Fay Greene’s fascinating story about reading to children, “Word Power for Babies” (page 88), the volume of words a baby hears in the first few years of life is even more vital to brain development than scientists had first thought. By the time their kids are three, some parents have spoken 30 million more words to them than others have! Children who hear fewer words may never catch up. I have to say, I read Greene’s story and worried. As I’d emptied their Diaper Genie, had I been giving my daughters an appropriately
EVGENY KARANDAEV/ALAMY (FRAME)
Can We Talk About Talking?
verbose blow-by-blow? Knowing me, I can’t imagine it. But I know they grew up around enough language to be OK. Confident, curious, doing well in school, Sophia and Olivia developed fine. When they don’t answer my calls to the dinner table, I just think, I must have talked their ears off. WHILE WE’RE TALKING, I have some news about your Reader’s Digest subscription. We have decided to adjust the frequency of the magazine to ten issues per year. Because we increased the frequency from ten times a year to 12 only two years ago, some of you might be confused. Why another change? At the time, we believed that the number of digital readers (people who enjoy reading our magazine on a Kindle, Nook, or iPad) would eventually outpace the number of print readers and that our production costs would come down. Well, I am happy to report: Print is alive and well! The vast majority of you still enjoy the feel of our pages and get great satisfaction from sharing Reader’s Digest with friends and family. Meanwhile, paper and postage costs continue to increase. We could have raised the price of the magazine to accommodate this. But
based on reader input, we chose to decrease the frequency so that our readers would not have to pay more. If you have already paid for 12 issues, you will get 12 issues; your subscription will simply extend over a longer period of time. And rest assured that we will maintain the improvements that delighted you and formed the cornerstone of our January redesign: high-quality paper, clean layouts, and more stories and fewer advertisements. Other than a change in frequency, your magazine will remain the same. In mid-November, the December/ January issue will arrive in your mailbox. In the summer, we will mail a July/August issue. This, in addition to monthly issues during the other eight months, will be the new schedule going forward. I dearly hope that you will appreciate our desire to give you a reading experience that you enjoy, at a price that’s agreeable to you, on a schedule that’s sustainable. Meanwhile, we will pour our hearts into collecting and crafting even more inspiring stories, funny jokes, and helpful advice on rd.com during the months with a combined issue. May your hearts grow fonder.
I invite you to e-mail me at liz@rd.com and follow me at facebook.com/lizvaccariello and @LizVacc on Twitter. rd.com
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Letters COMMENTS ON THE AUGUST ISSUE
Terror at the Beach This story left out one critical fact: The site of the sand dune rescue was blocked off, with several signs warning people not to enter. Thanks to the firefighters, EMTs, excavators, and others, this story had a happy ending. KIMBERLY DAVIS, S o u t h B e n d , In d i a n a
This should have been called the Terror Issue! Halfway through, I was almost afraid to continue reading for fear of the next scare. SARA BALIGH, Hi l l s b o r o u g h , N o r t h C a r o l i n a
Your Editor’s Note touched me deeply—we have gotten to a point where we see, hear, and read so much hate. There are a lot of honest, sweet, loving people in the world. God bless them all. RAY MYERS, R o s e b u r g , O r e g o n
The Word That Killed Our Friendship I’m 62 years old and had a similar experience. I had befriended one of the few black kids at my school, and 6
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I hurt him tremendously when he overheard my calling someone else the N-word. I haven’t seen or heard from him since then, but I stand up for him every chance I get. LOWELL RAUCH, v i a e - m a i l
The $99,000 Outhouse In this list of “follies,” you criticize an NIH-funded study on happy marriages that produced an expected result. But research starts with asking the right questions, not with having the right answers in the beginning. EDWIN ANDREWS, Ma l d e n , Ma s s a c h u s e t t s
P HOTOGRA PH BY N ICK FERRARI
The Kindness of Our Readers
Spiderwebs and Other Inspirations Janine Benyus’s biomimicry work is absolutely fascinating, and as I read the facts accompanying the photo of alpine ibex goats (See the World … Differently), I wondered what Ms. Benyus could do if she studied these animals and their gravity-defying nature. Having these two stories in the same issue was a nice coincidence. JANIS WISNER, v i a e - m a i l
Queens of the Road I think the author of this story needs to step back and embrace her mom’s uniqueness. We live in a culture that often does not teach the next generation to respect seniors, and this is a prime example. LISA TAYLOR, L a u r e l , Ma r y l a n d
Make Your Own Darn Gift I completely agree with Nick Offerman: It is far too easy to send a premade gift to someone across the globe with the click of a mouse. We have become obsessed with electronic media—perhaps this is why there are no modern-day Einsteins or Beethovens. DOUGLAS BENN, S p o k a n e , Wa s h i n g t o n
The Lion Whisperer I have always been devastated by animal cruelty, so I love that Kevin Richardson is trying to do something to right this awful wrong in South Africa. I’m only 21 and too scared to walk among the lions, but I’d like to help with this effort. And I’d really like to thank Mr. Richardson. DESIRÉ SIMMONS, B o i s e , Id a h o
I’m a Telemarketer. Here’s How to Get Rid of Me What frustrates me about this article is that the author makes it seem like we must take steps to deal with telemarketers, as though they have the right to invade our homes with their calls. It is a shame that our government isn’t doing more to protect the rights of its citizens from telemarketing companies that refuse to play by the rules. TOM GORYCKI, P f a f f t o w n , N o r t h C a r o l i n a
The National Do Not Call Registry is a boiler-room telemarketer joke. The best way to get rid of pesky telemarketers is to use a good callblocking device with caller ID to automatically screen your calls. MIKE BABCOCK, L a n c a s t e r, C a l i f o r n i a
Send letters to letters@rd.com or Letters, Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6100, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1600. Include your full name, address, e-mail, and daytime phone number. We may edit letters and use them in all print and electronic media. Contribute Send us your 100-word true stories and funny jokes and quotes, and if we publish one in a print edition of Reader’s Digest, we’ll pay you $100. To submit your 100-word stories, visit rd.com/stories. To submit humor items, visit rd.com/submit, or write to us at Jokes, Box 6226, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1726. Please include your full name and address in your entry. We regret that we cannot acknowledge or return unsolicited work. Do Business Subscriptions, renewals, gifts, address changes, payments, account information, and inquiries: Visit rd.com/help, call 877-732-4438, or write to us at Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595.
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EVERYDAY HEROES When a woman screams, a barber and his client sprint into the line of fire to help
Two Men Against One—with a Gun BY M E LO DY WARNIC K
A FEW MINUTES AFTER opening the New Era Barbershop for business one morning, barber Henry McHenry, 40, chatted with his first customer of the day, Michael Cade, 46, as he clipped his hair. He paused only when a manicurist who worked in the salon two doors down ducked in to say hello, as she often did. On one of those visits, she’d confided in Henry about her abusive husband. “If you ever see a guy pull up in an F-150 truck, he’s coming for me,” she had told him. 8
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Henry couldn’t picture that here, in this very public strip mall in the Northside district of Houston. Nevertheless, a few minutes later, four gunshots broke the quiet of the May morning. Henry dashed to the window. The walkway outside was strewn with shattered glass. A white Ford F-150 had pulled up in front of the nail salon. “I knew right then,” Henry remembers, “he’s here, and he has just shot at her. That was the scariest moment of my life.” Henry hurriedly dialed 911, ➸ PHOTOGRAPH BY MICHAEL FRIBERG
“Henry was cutting my hair, then we heard shots,” says Michael Cade, right.
E V E R Y D AY H E R O E S
while Michael cracked open the door. In a haze of gun smoke, he watched a brawny man with a buzz cut emerge from the salon, pulling his estranged wife by the hair and holding a gun to her head. “Somebody help me!” she was screaming. Michael had spent years as a military police officer, then a federal cop. As the man forced the woman into the truck, Michael knew he had to act right away. Without a word, Michael slipped out of the shop. “Are you crazy?” Henry hissed after him. Crouching, Michael ran around the truck to the open driver’s-side door, hoping to charge the man while his back was turned. But the man was waiting for him. Suddenly, “my face was jarred as if someone thumped me,” Michael says. He’d been shot in the head. Michael’s vision went dark; he fell to the ground. Lying in a puddle of blood on the parking lot asphalt, he believed he was dying. But suddenly, he says, he felt new energy course through him—which he credits to his faith in God. From where he was lying, Michael then grabbed the shooter’s legs, dragging him to the ground. When
he tried to get his hands on the weapon, though, the man hit him in the shoulder with the butt of the gun, fracturing Michael’s collarbone. During the fracas, the woman fled into the barbershop, where Henry was waiting. Looking out the window, Henry saw Michael drenched in blood. I can’t let him die, Henry thought. Just as the man aimed the gun at Michael again, Henry burst out of the barbershop and flung his arm around the man’s head, putting him in a choke hold, a move he’d learned as a black belt in karate. While the guy flailed, Michael grabbed his gun. Minutes later, the police arrived and arrested the man, who was identified as the woman’s husband, Truc Nguyen. Amazingly, the bullets had missed the vital areas of Michael’s brain and exited his body. He was treated for gunshot wounds and received stitches for cuts to his face. Michael was able to return to his job as a vocational rehab specialist just weeks later. The Carnegie Hero Fund Commission recently gave the two men medals for their heroism. But Henry gives Michael all the credit, saying, “He put his life on the line for a stranger.”
NOMINATE A HERO! In 100 words or fewer, tell us about someone who has impressed you with a brave deed, kind act, or humanitarian effort in 2014. The story could be published in a future issue. E-mail the details and your name, location, and phone number to heroes@rd.com.
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READER’S DIGEST
P ETER M OLENDA/COURTESY C ATHY HEY ING. P HOTOGRAP H BY CLAI RE BENOIST ( PHOTO BORD E R)
“It’s humbling to change people’s lives,” says Cathy.
She’s Lifting Cars and Spirits BY BE TH D R E H E R
SOCIAL WORKER Cathy Heying noticed a growing trend among the homeless and unemployed folks she served for nearly a decade at St. Stephen’s Catholic Church in Minneapolis. “At least twice a week, someone would mention car trouble” as a reason for missing a job interview or not getting the kids to day care, says Cathy, 44. “I thought if I could offer car repairs, I could prevent these problems.” So in 2008, with little more automotive experience than tinkering with her own motorcycle, Cathy signed up for a mechanics program. After two years of juggling a fulltime course load and a part-time job, she received an associate’s degree in auto technology from Dunwoody College of Technology. Then she opened the Lift, a nonprofit garage offering affordable
car repair for needy people. “I had no mechanics, no volunteers, and only a few tools,” says Cathy. She operated from a bay in a friend’s garage. But she made it work. One of Cathy’s first customers, Linda Granger, was unemployed when her social worker referred her to the Lift. Her 20-year-old pickup truck had a new heater, timing belt, and brakes installed by Cathy and a volunteer for $600 total, which Linda is paying off in $20 monthly installments. The same repairs would have cost at least $1,800 at a typical garage. “There’s no way I could have afforded it otherwise,” says Linda. “It’s been a hard journey” from social worker to mechanic, says Cathy. “But compared with other people’s struggles, I have nothing to complain about.” rd.com
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VOICES
VIEWS
Department of Wit
Client Feedback On the Creation Of Earth BY MIK E L AC H E R F ROM M C SW EENEYS .NET
Hi, God, Thanks so much for the latest round of work. Really coming together. Few points of feedback: Love the whole light thing but not totally sure about the naming system. Day and night are OK, but we feel like there’s more we can do here. Thoughts? Definitely need to nail this down ASAP.
1
MIKE LACHER
is a humorist and former creative director at BuzzFeed.
2
Re: the “sky.” Not feeling the color here. Would like something that pops more. Please send additional options.
Appreciate the work on the sea and land, but right now there’s way too much sea. The land is getting lost in it. In general, sea does not resonate well with our users. Was ➸
3
ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE WACKSMAN
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D E PA R T M E N T O F W I T
talking with the team, and the idea of having no sea at all came up. Thoughts?
a long way toward converting our users from passive consumers into brand evangelists.
Noticed you’ve covered the ground in vegetation bearing seeds according to its kind and trees bearing fruit according to their kind. Is this intentional? Please advise.
Re: “mankind.” Interesting take on the brief here. Big pain point is that mankind is coming across as largely made in your image. As you hopefully recall from the deck, our users are a diverse group (slide 27), and we definitely want to make them feel represented (slide 28). Afraid that if our users see fleshy bipedal mammals positioned as “ruling over” the land and sea (if we’re having sea), they might feel alienated and, again, less willing to convert into brand evangelists. Let’s fast-track an alt version with mankind removed. Doable?
Right now, we’re seeing only two great lights in the sky—a greater one for day and a lesser one for night. Thinking that maybe we weren’t clear in the original briefing. Definitely need more than just two great lights. Need to make this a memorable, high-value experience for our users. Please revisit slides 13 and 14 in the deck. Shout with questions.
5
teeming with life is fine, 6 Seas but again, we need to reduce the sea. This is a deal breaker for us. Are the winged birds final or placeholder? Some kind of weird stuff going on with those. Just want to get clarification before giving more feedback.
7
Can we get more livestock and wild animals that move along the ground according to their kinds? Again, the passion points for our target users (slide 18) are land and animals. Whatever we can do to increase the amount of land will go
8
9
Please cut all the “be fruitful and multiply” stuff. We’re a family brand, and this doesn’t fit with our voice (slide 34).
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Realize it’s Saturday, and you were planning to be OOO tomorrow to admire your creation and everything, but I’m hoping you can keep rolling on this through the weekend. Need to get this in front of my exec team by EOD Monday. Will be around all weekend via e-mail and chat if anything comes up. Looking to you and your team for a big win here. Thanks! Mike
COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY MIKE LACHER. MCSWEENEY’S INTERNET TENDENCY (MAY 30, 2014), MCSWEENEYS.NET.
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P REVIOUS PAGE: ILLUSTRATION BY JOE M CKENDRY (LAC HER)
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WORDS OF LASTING INTEREST
The words were my father’s, and the message guides me to this day
“Always Go to the Funeral” I BELIEVE in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that. The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth-grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. “Dee,” he said, “you’re going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family.” So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson’s shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, “Sorry about all this,” and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson’s mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes. That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, “You can’t come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral.” Sounds simple—when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think
DEIRDRE SULLIVAN is
a lawyer in Brooklyn, New York. She says her father’s greatest gift to her family was how he ushered them through the process of his death.
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ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY
BY DE I RD R E SU L L I VA N FR O M T H E B O O K T H I S I B E L I E V E
a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that. “Always go to the funeral” means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don’t feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don’t really have to and I definitely don’t want to. I’m talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The shivah call for one of my ex’s uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn’t been good versus evil. It’s hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing
nothing. In going to funerals, I’ve come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life’s inevitable, occasional calamity. One cold April night, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful, and humbling thing I’ve ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.
“‘ALWAYS GO TO THE FUNERAL,’ ” COPYRIGHT © 2005 BY DEIRDRE SULLIVAN, FROM THE BOOK THIS I BELIEVE, EDITED BY JAY ALLISON AND DAN GEDIMAN, COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY THIS I BELIEVE, INC., IS PUBLISHED BY HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY LLC, US.MACMILLAN.COM.
PHOTOGRAPH BY DAN WINTERS
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Life
IN THESE UNITED STATES
“It’s about time.” WHILE HE WAS visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-EM-O-D-E-M?” SHARON MCGINLEY, Ta l b o t t , Te n n e s s e e
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BEFORE BEGINNING the service,
our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’” BARBARA GEERTS, D a v e n p o r t , Io w a
ILLUSTRATION BY PAT BYRNES
ONE HARD THING to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector. @JULIUSSHARPE
FUNNY ROAD SIGNS
WE WERE AT a red light when a car
pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said. “It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.” KENNETH SKAUGHT, L a k e w o o d , Wa s h i n g t o n
THINK THE COMMENTS on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: ■ Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!” ■ Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?” ■ Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.” From gcfl.net DID YOU KNOW a bird is the only
animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it? C o m e d i a n SEAN O’CONNOR
I think it’s my turn to oG.
But swimming is fine.
We’re bullish on our pedestrians. From rd.com/slideshows/funny-road-signs
A guy says, “Doc, something funny happened to me!” The doc says, “Send it to rd.com/submit, and you may get $100!”
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Your True Stories IN 100 WORDS
PENNIES FOR CANDLES
W
hen I was a child, during the Great Depression, my mother sent me to the store to buy candles because our electricity had been turned off. I gave the clerk in the store my pennies for the candles, and he sarcastically said, “Didn’t pay the electric bill?” I held my head up high and replied, “Of course we did, but we want to have dinner by candlelight tonight.” I still laugh when I recall our “candlelight” dinner and the look on the clerk’s face after my retort. We didn’t have much money, but we had pride. JEAN SMIDT, We s t Mi l f o rd , Ne w Je r s e y
FORGIVEN
“M
om, I’m having heart surgery tomorrow and know I’m not going to make it. I’m just calling to tell you goodbye and ask you to forgive me for all the heartache I’ve caused. I know I’ll have the smallest funeral ever because I don’t have any friends left. Please forgive me.”
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He died three days later in prison, loved and not forgotten by friends. A Facebook posting resulted in his funeral not being the smallest one ever, as he’d feared. His childhood friends, neighbors, and extended family members were there, and the chapel was full to the brim. EDNA PETERS, S a n Jo s é , C a l i f o r n i a
BABY IN THE BASKET
W
hen I was about two, we visited Aunt Dorrie’s house. She had a large oval willow basket like the one my mama always used for laundry. Standing on tiptoe, I peeked into this basket, and there was a baby! I was breathless with astonishment. How could laundry turn into a baby? I never asked, but for years after that, I checked Mama’s basket frequently, in case hers had that same babyproducing capability. It didn’t seem to, but I always felt it might if I could catch it at just the right moment … And I still believe in magic. KATIE O’BRIEN, Ho q u i a m , Wa s h i n g t o n
ILLUSTRATION BY KAGAN MCLEOD
FLOATING TO FREEDOM
T
he uncooked noodles were left on the porthole by someone who no longer wanted it. By the looks of it, no one else would want it, because it had become moldy. I didn’t care, I was hungry. Our riverboat had been on the South China Sea for days, battered by a typhoon, making its way to freedom, to the Malaysian shores. We were escaping Communism during a premature post–Vietnam War decade, seeking anything better—my parents told me we were “going to visit Grandma.” The noodles tasted bitter but gratifying. We made it to freedom two days later. TUAN TRAN, Ta u n t o n , Ma s s a c h u s e t t s
GRAND ADVENTURE
W
e met in 1966: two little girls. The adventures we’ve shared in our 48 years are exquisite. Buying the kitten, hiding her in Denise’s bedroom for a week. We weaved tall tales at the playground. Teen angst set in; we “ran away” from home, taking a Greyhound bus on a Friday night with a paper sack of clean
underwear and Oreos. In 1978, a road trip to California, just two naive girls with a tin can of cash and my Plymouth Scamp. We’re moms now. Our children shake their heads as we laugh, giggle, and embarrass them. Grown-ups we’re not! JEAN POESCHL, Ap p l e Va l l e y , Mi n n e s o t a
HOW TO HAVE YOUR BABY ON THE FLOOR 1) Have doctors who believe you’ve just got a bladder infection during your ninth month. 2) Scream at your husband to run to get doctorprescribed bladder medication. 3) Start to panic when you realize a human is emerging from your body! 4) Have your mother-in-law scream that even though she has had five children of her own, she has never seen it from this angle! 5) Plead with your mother-in-law to catch the baby! 6) Close your eyes! 7) Welcome baby girl. 8) Have the best true story ever. HEATHER KRIZOVSKI, L a Vi s t a , Ne b ra s k a
Send us your true story of 100 words or fewer—it might be worth $100. For details, go to rd.com/stories.
THE GREATEST DISGUISE I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks. JIMMY KIMMEL
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AMERICA’S FAVORITE COMEDIAN
BOB HOPE
THE OFFICIAL COMMEMORATIVE ISSUE
Making Us Laugh for
100 YEARS Introduction by Linda Hope
INSIDE THE HOPE FAMILY ARCHIVES A Never–Before–Seen Collection of Bob’s Most Intimate Photos, Stories, and Treasures
ON NEWSSTANDS NOW!
YOU BE THE JUDGE
Can a school ban wristbands because of a slogan?
The Case of The Breast Cancer Bracelets BY VICKI G LEMB OCKI
AFTER BREAST CANCER claimed the lives of Kayla Martinez’s aunt and a close family friend of Brianna Hawk’s, the middle schoolers each began wearing a pink silicone bracelet with “I [heart] Boobies!” written across it in big white letters. It was fall 2010, and many students at their school in Pennsylvania’s Easton area district were displaying the wristbands, part of a nationwide campaign by the Keep a Breast Foundation to spark breast cancer awareness among young people. However, by the end of October, the administration had declared the bracelets ILLUSTRATION BY NOMA BAR
off-limits, saying the message violated the school’s dress-code policy because it “conveyed a sexual double entendre.” On Breast Cancer Awareness Day, many students and teachers donned pink T-shirts, and Martinez, then 12, and Hawk, then 13, wore their bracelets despite the ban. A security guard noticed the girls’ bracelets and escorted the students to the office, where an assistant principal asked them to remove the wristbands. The girls refused. Administrators accused Martinez and Hawk of “disrespect,” “defiance,” and “disruption” and ➸ rd.com
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YO U B E T H E J U D G E
assigned them a day and a half of in-school suspension and barred them from attending a school dance. On November 15, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Pennsylvania filed a complaint against the district on the girls’ behalf, claiming that by prohibiting the bracelets, the district had violated the right to free expression under the First Amendment and that suspending Martinez and Hawk was “unconstitutional.” ACLU attorney Mary Catherine Roper asked the federal district judge to issue a preliminary injunction (a ruling
made before the end of a trial) to force the school to lift the ban on the girls. At an evidentiary hearing in December, middle school principal Angela DiVietro explained that prohibiting the bracelets “makes a statement that we as a school district have the right to make discretionary decisions on what types of things are appropriate and inappropriate for our schoolchildren.” Did the school violate the students’ right to free speech by banning the bracelets? You be the judge.
THE VERDICT In April 2011, the district court granted the preliminary injunction, which meant the girls could wear the bracelets to school. The school district appealed, citing two previous Supreme Court decisions that supported its right to ban. The first decision held that the First Amendment doesn’t prevent administrators from regulating speech—like the word boobies—that they have “reason to anticipate ... would substantially interfere with the work of the school.” The second decision held that the school board has the right to determine if student speech could be seen as obscene. “We thought this was a no-brainer,” says the school district’s attorney John E. Freund III. But in August 2013, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit upheld the injunction. It was the first time a federal court of appeals ruled that student speech, even if it contains possibly lewd language, is protected as long as it comments on a political or social issue. The district tried to appeal in March 2014, but the Supreme Court refused to hear the case. Agree? Disagree? Sound off at rd.com/judge.
Do you think you have a case? Send a synopsis of it with your name and location for a chance to be in an upcoming story. Go to rd.com/judge for details.
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FACES OF AMERICA BY GLEN N GLASSER
Pat Marggraf BERKELEY SPRINGS, WEST VIRGINIA
“I was born without hip sockets. Growing up was rough. Children were cruel. But one of the reasons I can belly dance so easily is because my hip sockets are different!”
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FINISH THIS SENTENCE
A stranger would …burned the house down
…don’t have a belly button.
on Christmas Eve when I was three years old.
CHANDRA M. VOELTZ
JAYMIE LONG
…dropped out of high school but
graduated from college
Santa Clara, CA
(first of three degrees) when I was 18. NANCY SCOFIELD
Colorado City, CO
…am terrified of balloons. KERRIE RAGSDALE
San Diego, CA
...attended school
in a boxcar. SHEILA BOLING
…am married to someone
32 years older than I am. We will celebrate our 20th anniversary next month. LYNN V. ELLINGTON
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never guess that I… Aberdeen, SD
…have seven brain tumors and lead a normal life. CARYN MOY Chester, NY
Machesney Park, IL Jacksonville, IL
…care about them.
Bartlesville, OK
KELVYN RAM
…can read Braille
with my eyes!
Talladega, AL Charlotte, NC
JANE BREEN
Dallas, TX
…wrote and
published my first book while being homeless and destitute.
…pick up worms in the street and put them in the grass so they will be safe. GINNY BRADLEY GRISDALE
CABOT BARDEN
Go to facebook.com/readersdigest for the chance to finish the next sentence.
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GREAT MINDS
From funny beginnings, he just can’t stop cracking us up: Now, a new TV show …
Billy Crystal Kids Around BY ANDY S IM M O NS
MOST ACTORS just want to talk about their latest film or TV project. But while Billy Crystal, 66, has much to discuss—his new show, The Comedians, debuts in 2015 on FX, and his recording of his memoir Still Foolin’ ’Em just won audiobook of the year—ask about his childhood in Long Island, New York, and everything else takes a backseat. Crystal was raised in a house full of family and fun. His father and uncle were jazz producers, so his extended clan included musicians like pianist Willie “the Lion” Smith, an African American cantor who spoke Yiddish, and vocalist Billie Holiday, who took Crystal to see his first film. “They were such great spirits,” Crystal says of his relatives, blood and otherwise. “They were so encouraging and charismatic that not only did I want to be around them, I wanted to be them. They were my first audience and maybe my best audience.” 28
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I just read your book. What a wonderful childhood you had. My family loved to laugh. My brothers and I would entertain, and they showed their appreciation by sticking coins on my forehead. When my forehead was full, the show was over. My aunt Edith, who’s still alive at 107, always gave me a dime. That was her thing: “Here’s your lucky dime.” I actually found some not long ago, along with my high school graduation cuff links and other stuff—two dimes I’d put in a Lucite box. The great thing about dimes is you can fit more of them on a forehead. Exactly. So with inflation, I might do pretty good. My family was eclectic. My uncle Milt produced Bill Haley’s “Rock Around the Clock”; my aunt Lee was one of the first woman bank presidents in America. We also had baby-bonnet salesmen, accountants, doctors, furriers, and housepainters.
You’re an impressionist, and imitation is said to be the sincerest form of flattery. Anyone not feel that way? One—Sammy Davis Jr. I’d been his opening act, and I studied his every move. So when I was hosting Saturday Night Live in 1984, I did him. I come home afterward, and there’s a message. It’s Sammy saying, “What the hell is this? I didn’t see it—people told me about it. I would love to have known, that’s all.” Were you two fine after that? Oh, yeah; he grew to like it a lot. I remember opening for him in the ’70s, and I hadn’t worked with him ILLUSTRATION BY MITJA BOKUN
up to that point. After my set, he came onstage and told the audience this story about how I had come to a Reno hospital the year before when he was sick and held up a sign: “Get well, Sam. I can’t do this without you.” He said, “That’s what this young man is all about.” Big applause. I’m standing in the wings, thinking, That never happened. The second show, he told another story that never happened. We did 28 shows, and every night, there was a different story about me that never happened. I loved them. I never asked why he did it, because I got it—it was show business. It was great to hear his imagination about this wonderful world we had together. He was charismatic, hilarious, and incredibly smart. This year is the 25th anniversary of When Harry Met Sally. You became a romantic lead overnight. Did women look at you differently? Yeah. I was regarded in a different way from just being the funny guy, and that was more than flattering. And did your wife, Janice, treat you any differently? No. It was “Hey, Harry, take out the garbage!” rd.com
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You recently reunited be practical: “That with your costar, Meg goes here, that goes Ryan, at an event there, that goes there.” honoring that film’s And I’d include Robin director, Rob Reiner. Williams, just for Was it like old times? laughs. [Editor’s note: Definitely. I hadn’t This interview was conseen her in a long time. ducted before Williams A couple of days before, passed away.] He’d help we talked about what as different people. He we would say, and we and I have the greatest just fell right into it phone relationship in again. There was this the history of … well, wonderful natural my phone. We call as chemistry. Then when different characters, Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal Meg and I walked and sometimes we reunite onstage 25 years onstage at the event, after When Harry Met Sally. never break character the audience went until we hang up. crazy. It was really kinda terrific, you know? We stood arm in arm, watchYou tweet from time to time. If you ing all these clips from the movie, were to sum up your life story in 140 and we just looked at each other, characters or fewer, what would it be? smiled, and had a warm embrace. Oh, man. [Pauses] “Once funny, still As far as me being a romantic funny. #WishIWasTaller.” lead, I don’t think it was me; it was us as a couple. We were the perfect Your size is a recurring theme with pair for that movie. you. So I’ll ask you a question my daughter asked me: Would you rather You have lots of famous friends. be a giant hamster or a tiny rhino? If you had to move, whom would [Laughs] You’ve been up all night, you ask to help you? haven’t you? Would they actually have to lift stuff and do all of that? I’ve got a million of these. How big is the hamster wheel? Some would lift; some would tell you where to put things. It’d be huge. Then I’d say Rob Reiner. He’s a direc- Who lives longer? I think rhinos. tor; he would take charge. Whoopi I would opt for that. A tiny rhino— Goldberg, for sure, because she’d small and powerful! 30
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PREVIOUS PAGE: SOURCE PHOTO: JENNIFER LOURIE/GETTY IMAGES. THIS PAGE: DIMITRIOS KAMBOURIS/GETTY IMAGES
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The
Youth
Hormone... Everyone’s talking about it. But can it really reduce body fat, increase lean muscle mass, boost mood, heighten sex drive, give you plenty of energy, get rid of wrinkles and tighten saggy skin?
Barbara just had another birthday.
She watches her diet, exercises when
she can, and is in pretty good shape. In fact, she could be the poster child for the “Fountain of Youth” headline we see on the covers of fashion mags around the globe. What’s her secret? It’s not just the occasional Botox, peel or filler, or even her assortment of skin creams that could rival the anti-aging section of your local Sephora. Barbara, who was always “cutting edge,” has become a believer in what is fast becoming the most popular (if not the most expensive) anti-aging treatment in the USA… Growth Hormone Therapy.
t seems everyone is talking about human growth hormone lately. No less than the famed Dr. Oz began a recent show by asking his audience, “How many of you want to start feeling 20 years younger right now?” Allure magazine, in its “Anti-aging Special” issue, highlighted growth hormone as its 2013 call-out. Shape magazine began a recent growth hormone article with the provocative lead in: “When you see a 50-year-old actress who can pass for 35, you can bet that good genes aren’t the only
– By Tiffany Strobel *
things responsible for her youthful glow.” Fox News, The Today Show, CNN, ABC, and CBS have all contributed to the current frenzy.
VANITY FAIR says: “A 20-year-old produces more than twice as much hGH as [she] will when [she’s] 40... hGH, by turning back the body clock, turns back the aging process.”
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DR. OZ says: “I have been searching for this from the day we started the show. I’ve been looking for ways of increasing hGH naturally because I don’t like getting the injections.â€? Why all the fuss? Simple. hGH disciples‌ and to many like Barbara, hGH therapy is truly a religious experience... believe hGH can help reduce body fat, increase lean muscle mass, boost mood, heighten sex drive, give them plenty of energy, get rid of wrinkles and tighten saggy skin‌ making them look and feel decades – not years, but decades – younger. Celebrities, CEOs, Wall Street execs, models, housewives, athletes and even some high-ranking politicians all seem to be drinking from the same pitcher of Kool-Aid. There’s no doubt about it; in our current fast-paced, “youthorientedâ€? culture, hGH therapy is hot.
The controversy The controversy isn’t over whether or not hGH plays an essential role in our health and aging (virtually everyone already agrees on that). Instead, the controversy lies in the best way to maintain our body’s supply of human growth hormone. Until recently, most felt the best way was through expensive prescription injections (although costs can run as high as $1500 per month). However, some experts argue against the use of these synthetic injections, because they fear introducing synthetic hGH into the body may upset natural hGH production.
The breakthrough Because of growth hormone’s potential, researchers have spent the last thirty years searching for a reliable, clinically proven way to promote pituitary health, thereby increasing human growth hormone levels naturally. So it’s no surprise that when an oral compound capable of increasing mean, endogenous, bioactive, serum (blood) growth hormone levels... by 682%... was presented at the prestigious Obesity Society’s
most recent Scientific Meeting in Atlanta, Georgia, The Academy of Women’s Health’s 21st Annual Congress in Washington, D.C., and then again at The 9th World Congress of Cosmetic Dermatology held in Athens, Greece, it created a serious stir.
The revolution The formula that was the subject of these research findings is now being sold by SanMedica International™ under the trade name SeroVital.Ž And when Dr. Oz disclosed
by issuing not one but six U.S. Patents to protect the SeroVital formula from imitators.‥ Thanks to the release of SeroVital, the hGH revolution has finally arrived. Now that there’s an easyto-swallow capsule that can raise growth hormone naturally, an awful lot of people have stopped asking if they should be increasing their hGH levels and started asking which hGH-boosting option is right for them.
Is it worth it? To me, anything that may reduce wrinkles, tighten saggy skin,
SHAPE says: “When you see a 50-year-old actress who can pass for 35, you can bet that good genes aren’t the only things responsible for her youthful glow.� that “a recent study [on SeroVital-hgh] showed patients given a special blend of amino acids saw their hGH levels spike more than 6 times...� and added, “I have been searching for this from the day we started the show. I’ve been looking for ways of increasing hGH naturally because I don’t like getting the injections,� you can imagine the frenzy he created. Before long, SanMedica was having trouble keeping SeroVital in stock. It went from underground sensation to fullblown phenomenon. Even the United States Patent Office has added to the SeroVital mystique
decrease body fat, increase lean muscle mass, strengthen bones, and boost mood, while giving you plenty of energy and improving sex drive, is a no-brainer. However, make no mistake about it, the “established� medical community (and of course, they know everything) would say its benefits are largely anecdotal, and based on research that’s preliminary. But there’s no denying that something that has a chance of making you look and feel decades, not years, but DECADES, younger, is... at the very least... irresistible. Frankly, I’m ready to try it... How about you?
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So what’s the catch? Dr. Amy Heaton, PhD, Director RI 6FLHQWLĂ€ F $IIDLUV IRU SanMedica ,QWHUQDWLRQDO VD\V ´7KHUH DUH WKUHH )LUVW DV ZLWK K*+ LQMHFWLRQV 6HUR9LWDO LV not a ‘magic bullet,’ but one SDUW RI D KHDOWK\ OLIHVW\OH FKRLFH LQFOXGLQJ D VHQVLEOH GLHW DQG H[HUFLVH UHJLPHQ ´6HFRQG IRU SURSHU DEVRUSWLRQ \RX KDYH WR WDNH 6HUR9LWDO KJK RQ DQ HPSW\ VWRPDFK 7KDW PHDQV \RX HLWKHU KDYH WR WDNH LW Ă€ UVW WKLQJ LQ WKH PRUQLQJ DQG then not eat anything for WZR KRXUV RU WDNH LW DW QLJKW DW OHDVW WZR KRXUV DIWHU \RXU ODVW PHDO before you go to bed. ´$QG ODVW EXW QRW OHDVW ZKLOH 6HUR9LWDO LV IDU OHVV H[SHQVLYH WKDQ SUHVFULSWLRQ K*+ LQMHFWLRQV LW¡V VWLOO QRW FKHDS 6HUR9LWDO ZLOO FRVW \RX DERXW D PRQWK Îź
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SeroVital-hgh is protected by U.S. Patent Numbers 8,551,542; 8,715,752; 8,722,114; 8,734,864; 8,747,921 and 8,765,195. *Tiffany Strobel is an author, columnist, and beauty editor for MyFreeDiet.com. â&#x20AC; Free standard shipping in the continental U.S.A. only. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
Š2014 All Rights Reserved. BR15121-5
Points to Ponder CHECKING YOUR PHONE after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
I DON’T THINK I am abrasive. I hope I am clear. Unfortunately, clarity is often mistaken for abrasiveness.
JOHN LEFEVRE,
parodist,
on Twitter
IF YOU’RE A NAZI war criminal and then spend the next 40 years doing good deeds and feeding the hungry, does that make up for [the past]?
RICHARD DAWKINS,
evolutionary biologist,
on reddit.com
YOU DON’T BECOME GREAT by trying to be great. You become great by wanting to do something and then doing it so hard that you become great in the process.
GEORGE R. R. MARTIN,
G a m e o f T h r o n e s c r e a t o r,
in Rolling Stone
RANDALL MUNROE,
c r e a t o r o f t h e We b c o m i c x kc d , in his comic Marie Curie
WE NEED TO LEARN to live with the
PEOPLE LOOK AT RIGHTS as if they were muscles—the more you exercise them, the better they get.
JON LOVETT,
s p e e c h w r i t e r,
in the Atlantic, about free speech
ANTONIN SCALIA,
Supreme Court justice,
in a speech
Humans aren’t the only animals to suffer from emotional thunderstorms. Every animal with a mind likely has the capacity LAUREL BRAITMAN, to lose it. science historian,
from her book
Animal Madness
Sign up for our daily Points to Ponder e-mail at rd.com/ptp.
BRET HA RTM AN/COURTESY LAUREL BRAITM AN
noise and tolerate the noise even when the noise is stupid, even when the noise is offensive, even when the noise is at times dangerous.
You know how you go to a dinner party and everyone’s pretty much acting the same? ... But occasionally you meet people who are different, and to me, those are the most interesting to ... be around. KRISTEN WIIG, actress,
I GOT ADDICTED to the empty endorphins of being online. So I need to dry out and remind myself of the deeper tides I used to be able to swim in—in pages, and celluloid, and sounds, and people.
AMERICA IS A COUNTRY FOUNDED
by people from someplace else on ideas borrowed from someplace else, ultimately to try to distinguish itself from everyplace else. It is a fraught balance of identity.
F ROM TOP : JON ATHAN LEIBSON/GETTY I M AGES. JON KOPALOF F/GETTY IMAG E S
PATTON OSWALT,
comedian,
JEB LUND,
w r i t e r,
on Facebook, about his Internet hiatus
IT’S NOT UP TO THE PERSON who creates something to say they are an artist. How arrogant is that? It’s up to the people who see what you do to say you’re an artist.
in Time
BOB KERREY,
f o r m e r U. S . s e n a t o r,
Uncertainty can be freeing, because isn’t it so much easier to say “I just don’t have the answer” than to concoct a structure that won’t even stand up in a light wind, to support that which you wished were true? ALAN ALDA, a c t o r,
on theguardian.com
WE NEED TO BE SPENDING more on the next generation ... I am not the future. My 12-year-old son is. But if you look at the spending, you’d think I [am].
GENE SIMMONS,
s i n g e r a n d b a s s g u i t a r i s t o f Ki s s ,
in Elle
from the book When Your Life Is on Fire, What Would You Save?
in the New York Times
ART of LIVING You Can Save It! We uncover surprising and easy fixes for life’s biggest annoyances BY K IE R A AA R O N
Dying Plant Whether you’ve underwatered or overwatered your favorite houseplant, always repot. Since both maintenance mishaps result in brown, shriveled leaves, touch the soil to see if it’s damp or dry. Overwatering—the number one cause of problems—creates root rot, depriving the plant of air in the soil. Transferring it to a new pot ensures that there will be little lingering bacteria, says Barbara Pleasant, author of The Complete Houseplant Survival Manual. Underwatered plants, on ➸ PHOTOGRAPHS BY GREGORY REID
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Y O U C A N S AV E I T !
the other hand, require a slightly larger pot, to let the roots stretch out and absorb more H2O. Sit the pot in a pan of water for five minutes to hydrate dry pockets deep within the soil. After repotting, spray the underwatered plant with coconut water— which contains cytokinins, substances that promote plant growth—three times a week until it perks up.
on the hard drive as available to store other data.” That means the more you use your computer, the more likely your hard drive will overwrite your deleted file with newer information. Next, turn to recovery software like iSkysoft Data Recovery for Mac ($89.95) or Windows ($39.95), which thoroughly scans your hard drive to retrieve deleted files.
Misdated Plane Ticket
Oversalted Food
You may be able to get out of the change fee, but only if you act fast. Since 2012, all major airlines (even international ones) serving the United States have been required to allow consumers to cancel a purchased ticket within 24 hours of booking, as long as it was bought at least seven days before the departure date. Ask your airline for a refund or to rebook you without a fee.
Your plan of action depends on the dish. Salty soup is simple: “The salt is floating in the liquid, so you can add a sodium-absorbing starch, like potatoes, to sop it up,” advises James Briscione, director of culinary development at the Institute of Culinary Education in New York City. Before serving, remove the potatoes and, in turn, the excess salt. For oversalted noodles, top with a milky sauce made with a mild cheese
Accidentally Deleted Computer File First, stop everything you’re doing— including checking e-mail. “When you delete a file, the information isn’t immediately erased, even if you’ve emptied your trash,” says J. Alex Halderman, an assistant professor of computer science and engineering at the University of Michigan. “Your computer simply marks that file’s spot 38
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READER’S DIGEST
like Gouda, which will mask the salt. As for meat, “acid and fat counteract sodium, so serve it with a vinaigrette, like chimichurri, which has oil (fat) and vinegar (acid),” says Briscione. Finally, consider opening a bottle of bubbly. “A dry sparkling wine like prosecco washes away lingering saltiness with each sip,” he adds.
Bitter Coffee
P ROP STYLIST: M EGUM I EMOTO FOR AN DERSON HOP KINS
An unexpected fix: In this case, you want to add a few pinches of table salt to the pot. “Salt seems to reduce the ‘bitter’ signal sent from your taste buds to your brain,” says Russell Keast, PhD, a professor of exercise and nutrition science at Deakin University in Australia, who studies taste. Also, sip your java from a stainless steel thermos. In a Food Quality and Preference study, the metal reduced the taste of bitterness.
A Sore Neck Here’s your quick pain prevention plan: Brew a cup of chamomile tea as soon as you start to feel achy—the plant can soothe muscle spasms. Then sit in a reclined position to reduce muscle tension, and apply a heating pad (or a towel soaked in hot water) to your neck for 20 minutes. “Heat increases blood circulation, which brings nutrients and natural pain-relieving chemicals to the area,” says Charles Swanik, PhD, a professor of physiology at the University of Delaware.
Next, give yourself a gentle massage, which can trick your muscles into relaxing, adds Swanik.
Overroasted Vegetables It’s all about the add-ons. To restore lost moisture, top your veggies with gravy and serve as a side dish, or mix them into a sauce to pour over pasta. To add texture, try battering or breading them, says Aliya LeeKong, author and judge on the Food Network’s Kitchen Casino. “Frying adds some of the crunchiness back to the dish.” Another idea: Use them for all kinds of delicious dips. “Combine with cream cheese and herbs like chives, cilantro, and parsley for a vegetable dip,” LeeKong says.
Yellowing Photos If your shots are turning sepia, blame the sun. “Many photos are made of chemicals that can oxidize when exposed to light, causing them to turn yellow over time,” says Silvia Marinas-Feliner, museum conservation program director at New Mexico State University. For a fast fix, upload pictures onto your computer and use a free online image editor like PicMonkey to apply corrective filters. To safely display your shots, place them in UV-coated glass frames, which block damaging rays. Another handy storage option: Pop your favorite pictures into an album with uncoated polyester sleeves, which are free of harmful chemicals and acid. rd.com
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FAMILY
The Wake-Up Call BY DE BO R A H S KO L N I K
“WHAT’S THAT?” my ten-yearold daughter, Genie, asked, peering over my shoulder. She’d caught me laughing at a piece of mail I’d just opened. “Wake Up Service,” it read in crude stencil, “$2.50 per call leave message.” At the bottom was a phone number and a drawing of a rotary phone, like the one my great-aunt Sara had owned 40 years ago. “Is that mail funny?” Genie asked. “Not really,” I admitted. “It’s just outdated.” She frowned. “What’s a wake-up call?” she asked, proving my point. I explained how, before smartphones, people sometimes paid someone to wake them with a call. “Who sent this flyer?” she pressed. “Probably someone older, who doesn’t think wake-up calls are outdated,” I ventured, “and could use some money.” Her eyes lit up. “Can we order a wake-up?” she asked. I snorted. “We don’t need it.” The next day, I was awakened by Genie standing by my bed, poking 40
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me with the flyer. “Can we order a wake-up call?” she pestered. “We don’t need one,” I reminded her. “At least I don’t. I have you.” That evening, the flyer was still on my nightstand. I picked it up and headed for the recycling bin, past Genie, who was doing her homework. “Wait!” she shrieked. She leaped up and snatched the sheet away. “I feel sorry for the wake-up man, if he needs some money,” she said, tearing up. “Can’t we order?”
ILLUSTRATION BY SEAN MCCABE
I looked at the flyer with its drawing of a rotary phone. I remembered, again, my great-aunt Sara and her rotary phone. As a kid, I’d visited her over Labor Day, when Jerry Lewis would host his annual telethon for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Inevitably, Aunt Sara would squeeze my hand, then reach for the rotary phone, dialing the number on the screen. Holding the bulky receiver between us, we’d announce to the operator, “We’d like to help Jerry’s kids.” Now here was my own child, showing the same big heart I’d once been encouraged to have, and I was ignoring her. I’ve always told Genie to consider the less fortunate, but she’s met none in our leafy suburb, blessedly free from worry and want. Finally she thought she’d found someone she could help, one on one. How could I blow that off? I Googled the flyer’s return address. It’s amazing what you can find with just a few clicks these days. The address belonged to a man I’ll call Raymond, who lived in a less prosperous town 20 miles away. He was in his mid-60s.
We called him and, holding the receiver between us, the way Aunt Sara and I used to, told him we needed his services. “Great!” Raymond said in a shaky but friendly voice, clearly as amazed at receiving an order from a child as I was at our placing it (especially when Genie requested a 7 a.m. call on a Saturday). When I asked how to pay the $2.50, he answered, “Mail a check.” Genie beamed all week. Friday night, I put the phone by her pillow so she could answer Raymond’s call. She bounded to my bedroom to tell me all about how he’d wished her a good morning and told her to have a great day, which she did. Technology has made some things obsolete. But others, like kindness and generosity, are things the world will always require. Many older people need to receive them simply to get by. All children need a chance to practice them, simply to grow. And parents need to let them. In the rush and hustle of my daily life, I’d temporarily forgotten that. I guess I just needed a wake-up call.
EXTRA CHEESY QUESTION: What do you call a steak that’s been
knighted by the queen? ANSWER: Sir Loin. QUESTION: Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur’s table? ANSWER: Sir Cumference. rd.com
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HOME
The Dirt on Clean Bedding BY J O L IE K E R R F R OM D E ADS PI N .CO M
THEY MAY LOOK FRESH, but your sheets are covered in sweat, drool, and dead skin. Not to mention the dust mites that feed on that dead skin. And if you’re prone to acne, an oily buildup on bedding will only contribute to breakouts.
PILLOWS AND COMFORTERS
How Often to Wash
THROW BLANKETS
FOLLOW THIS BASIC SHEET-WASHING SCALE:
Wash them a few times a year according to the care-tag directions. If you’ve been sick and have curled up and moaned under your blankie, be sure to launder it once you’ve recovered.
Once a week: Ideal Once every two weeks: Totally acceptable Once a month: That’s fine. Not good. Just fine. Once every six weeks: Dicey More than two months: [CLUTCHES PEARLS]
Check the care tags, but more often than not, you’ll be able to toss these in the washing machine on a coldwater setting and dry them on a low-heat setting. Hit a dry cleaner if you’ve got an extra-fluffy duvet.
SHEETS AND PILLOWCASES
Generally speaking, you can launder sheets in hot or warm water with any detergent you choose. A strong laundry booster like OxiClean or borax will help cut through and dissolve the oils and skin cells that can gunk up sheets. 42
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M ARK LUND/GETTY IMAGES
How to Really Wash Them
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TECHNOLOGY
Want to Learn? Lose the Laptop BY F RE D B A R B AS H F ROM THE WAS H I N GTO N P OST
IF YOU REMEMBER taking class notes in longhand, there’s a good chance you also remember more about a variety of topics than today’s students do. A study investigated whether taking notes by hand helps you learn better than taking notes on a laptop. It was no contest. Study authors and psychologists Pam A. Mueller of Princeton University and Daniel M. Oppenheimer of the University of California– Los Angeles conducted three separate experiments involving a total of 327 students. All students got the same lectures, but some used laptops, and others took notes by hand. When it came to learning the concepts, the handwriters won. When it came to retrieving facts, the groups were comparable, except when given time to go home and look at their notes, at which point the handwriters did better. “Even when allowed to review 44
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P ROP STYLIST: LINDA KEIL FOR HA LLEY RESOURC ES
notes after a week’s delay, participants who had taken notes with laptops performed worse on tests of both factual content and conceptual understanding,” the study states. Learning suffered not because of “multitasking” or the distraction available to students using Wi-Fi– enabled laptops. In the lab, scientists allowed no extraneous activity. Students who paid attention and took deep notes on their laptop still didn’t learn as well—in fact, the study suggests the thoroughness of their notes contributes to the problem. Laptop users tend to record long, verbatim quotes, which they type mindlessly. Handwriters are more selective. They “wrote significantly fewer words than those who typed,” according to the study. By processing and selecting the more important information, they studied more efficiently, said researchers.
Here’s what’s a bit frightening: When the laptop students were instructed to cut down or eliminate the verbatim note taking, they couldn’t. The study adds to a ton of evidence that for learning, writing is better and that the hand has a “unique relationship with the brain when it comes to composing thoughts and ideas.” Of course, the chance of persuading students to put away their laptops is probably zero. Many of them can’t write longhand, a forgotten subject in many American schools, itself a source of controversy. So are we stuck with traditional classrooms and learning techniques if we want the brightest pupils? Perhaps not: Another possibility, some have suggested, is apps that permit handwriting on tablets, a compromise that students might accept.
THE WASHINGTON POST (APRIL 28, 2014), COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY THE WASHINGTON POST, WASHINGTONPOST.COM.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN … … you’re more worried about what time the party ends than when it starts. @ROBINMCCAULEY
… you can’t tell the difference between current band names and typos. @TOYNS
… all the names in your black book have MD after them. HARRISON FORD
PHOTOGRAPH BY VICTOR PRADO
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ALL IN
A Day’s Work
“Slow down there, buddy. You’ve had quite a few already.” SHANE WORKS IN the deli depart-
ment of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him: “Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the eight-piece chickens.” “Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not electronics.” 46
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“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to Albertsons.” Source: foodbeast.com OUR BOSS ASKED the new mail-
room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. GORDON KNIGHT, S t a m f o rd , C o n n e c t i c u t
ILLUSTRATION BY NAF
SCENE: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Some
are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California) “It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.”
A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online. A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he wanted. Source: gov.uk BOSS TO UNDERLING: “When I told you that you smelled like bacon grease, it was a compliment.” Source: overheardintheoffice.com
OR MAYBE IT WAS AQUAMARINE?
COURTESY VA LERI E KOEHLER/BLUE WI LLOW BOOKSH OP
Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududu-dudududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper “A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin From Just My Typo, by
DRUMMOND MOIR (Three Rivers Press)
RIGHT NOW, I’m at work, using the
Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet. @BRIDGER_W
THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE
helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded: A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that it would not happen again.
Spotted at the Blue Willow Bookshop in Houston, Texas Forget blue; think green! Your workrelated anecdote could be worth $100. See page 7 or rd.com/submit for details.
NOTE: Ads were removed from this edition. Please continue to page 52.
HEALTH
An achy back, incontinence, and pelvic pain may all have one sneaky cause. And your doctor has probably never mentioned it.
The Pain Down There THE PAIN BEGAN like an odd muscle pull around her groin. “Within days, the area felt like it was on fire,” says Lisa, 36, a New Jersey mom of two and a human resources executive. “I’m a strong woman. But the pain was excruciating. At one point, I was curled in a ball at work, sobbing.” It was the summer of 2012. Lisa trudged to 11 doctors in one month, but none found anything wrong. Tests for infections came back negative. Antibiotics, antivirals, and antifungals were useless. A psychiatrist hinted at marital discord (“So not true,” Lisa says). “I hated waking up and wondering if I’d get through work and be able to spend time with my kids and husband or end up just lying on the couch again,” Lisa says. Then, as she sat in yet another doc52
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tor’s waiting room, a book caught her eye. It was Heal Pelvic Pain, by physical therapist Amy Stein. Lisa found familiar symptoms and a phrase that she’d never heard: the pelvic floor. This melon-size web of muscles, ligaments, and exquisitely sensitive nerves at the bottom of the pelvis supports the uterus, bladder, colon, and rectum. It stabilizes the trunk and hips and affects everything from orgasm to continence. If something goes awry, it can cause searing pain in a wide array of organs and tissues. Lisa finally got her diagnosis— pelvic-floor dysfunction (PFD)— though only after she saw a pelvicfloor physical therapist. This relatively new breed of practitioner has expertise on how to fix what goes wrong in male and female pelvises. ILLUSTRATION BY BRYAN CHRISTIE DESIGN
P HOTOGRA PH BY STEVE VACCARIELLO
BY SARI H ARRAR FR O M PR E V EN TION
A problem in the pelvic floor (shown in red) can cause pain throughout the body.
T H E PA I N D OW N T H E R E
Pelvic Pain: Who’s at Risk For a condition so hard to diagnose, PFD is surprisingly common. By some estimates, it affects one in three American women. Giving birth boosts your chances of developing a pelvic-floor issue by 18 percent if you’ve had one child and 32 percent if you’ve had three or more, according to the Herman & Wallace Pelvic Rehabilitation Institute in Seattle. Hormonal declines in menopause and loss of muscle mass with age are among other culprits for women. Surgery or an accident (like falling on your hip or tailbone) may play a role, as can obesity. In your 50s and 60s, your PFD risk nearly triples, compared with in your 20s or 30s. Though pelvic-floor dysfunction is less prevalent in men, it’s still underdiagnosed. Some 90 percent of chronic prostate infections, for example, are not caused by bacteria; experts suspect a weak pelvic floor may be a factor. Surgery, injury, obesity, and chronic constipation can damage the pelvic floor in men, leading to incontinence, pain, and problems with sexual performance. Men may be embarrassed to seek treatment—and, like women, they are often misdiagnosed if they do. For patients like Lisa, PFD manifests as pain in the vulva. In others, it presents as a bowel disorder; endometriosis; or bladder, hip, back, or abdominal pain. “Often, doctors treat symptoms in the affected organ or 54
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joint rather than find the real cause,” says Amy Stein, the pelvic-floor physical therapist in New York City whose book set Lisa on the path to a diagnosis. “They try to treat just the vulva pain, the constipation, or the hip joints. But when you miss the cause, you can’t really fix the problem.”
A Sneaky Back-Pain Trigger Anatomically speaking, the pelvic floor is the center of your physical power, keeping both sides of your body balanced. If the muscles tighten or lose mobility, they can cause pelvic bones to torque. That’s what happened to Alexandra, a Washington, DC, lawyer in her mid-50s who struggled for years with severe back pain. Her doctors said that her sacrum (a triangular bone at the base of the spine) and her sacroiliac joint (twin kidney-shaped bones between the sacrum and the largest pelvic bone) had rotated, twisting her spine like a wrung-out dishcloth. Conventional physical therapy, muscle relaxants, and cortisone shots had little impact. Then she sought help from a pelvicfloor physical therapist. It turned out that scar tissue and adhesions from a hysterectomy had stiffened Alexandra’s pelvic-floor muscles, pulling her pelvic bones off center.
The Path to Real Relief PFD is gaining recognition among pelvic-pain specialists, gastroenterologists, urologists, gynecologists,
READER’S DIGEST
colorectal doctors, and urogynecologists, who have expertise in both bladder and pelvic health. The first step to relief is a pelvic-floor evaluation, followed by physical therapy. “The exam is a lot like the gloved internal check a gynecologist does, although we focus on muscle function,” says Holly Tanner, a pelvic-floor physical therapist and curriculum director for the Herman & Wallace Institute. The therapist will look for tenderness, pain, and tension in the muscles. Men are diagnosed by a urologist or other specialist after a thorough examination of the groin and a rectal exam. “This should be frontline treatment,” says urogynecologist Colleen Fitzgerald, MD, medical director of the Chronic Pelvic Pain Program at Loyola University in Chicago. “If you’re not seeing a specialist who understands the impact these muscles have on pain, you may not be getting the best care. Less than half the women who would benefit from a pelvic-floor evaluation get one.” While there are drugs for and surgical solutions to some pelvicfloor problems, physical therapy plus home routines may help many
patients feel better. A 2014 study of nearly 800 women with PFD found that most saw incontinence, constipation, and/or pain improve by at least 80 percent with pelvic-floor physical therapy. In another study, people with lower-back pain got extra relief when they added pelvicfloor exercises to back exercises and ultrasound. For Alexandra, months of pelvic-floor therapy strengthened weak muscles, easing her back pain. Other treatments include massagelike work inside the vagina by a therapist to release tight spots, with biofeedback to train a patient to tighten and relax the muscles herself. “It’s not weird. Treatments are very professional,” says Lisa. Patients also do daily exercises at home, including Kegels to strengthen weak muscles and relaxation exercises for tense muscles, hip flexors, and glutes. Lisa had a couple of scary pain relapses, but she got more physical therapy and continued home exercises. “My life is back to normal,” she says. “I rock-wall climb, paddleboard, and wear jeans with heels to go dancing, which I was terrified I would never do again.”
PREVENTION (APRIL 2014), COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY RODALE INC., PREVENTION.COM.
THAT’LL SHOW ’EM “Wait til those jerks in high school see the sandwich I’m eating!” (40 percent of social networking) @AARONFULLERTON rd.com
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HEALTH
Holistic Heart Doc
The Most Dangerous Times For Your Heart BY J O E L K . KA H N , M D
JOEL K. KAHN, MD, is a clinical
THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE Researchers who analyzed thousands of U.S. heart attack victims found that those grieving a death were more likely to have an increased heart attack risk in the week following their loved one’s passing. Swedish research found that the heart attack risk remains elevated for several years after the death of an adult sibling. If you are suffering from a loss and feel alone or depressed, seek out counseling and support from your doctor, friends, and family. Don’t sit home alone and suffer.
professor of medicine at Wayne State University and the director of cardiac wellness at Michigan Healthcare Professionals.
A BOUT OF FLU As if extreme exhaustion, achiness, and high fever weren’t bad enough, the flu may quadruple your odds of having a heart attack for up to three days following the illness. The virus may trigger an inflammatory response that can damage arteries. Being dehydrated thickens blood, making it prone to clot. A fever can increase your heart rate, forcing the heart to work harder. A few days after contracting the flu, seek medical help. 56
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ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY
IN 25 YEARS of treating heart patients, I’ve noticed that heart attacks don’t always strike randomly. There are certain predictable “danger zones,” especially for patients with heart disease or a risk for it, like smoking, diabetes, high cholesterol, or high blood pressure. Being aware of these high-risk windows might lead you to tweak your lifestyle and lessen your chance of problems.
A DEVASTATING NATURAL DISASTER In the three weeks
following the 8.9-magnitude earthquake and accompanying tsunami that killed thousands of people in Japan in 2011, the rate of heart attacks among survivors increased threefold, compared with the rate during the same calendar weeks in past years. It’s important for first responders and health-care providers to be aware of this.
P ROP STYLIST: LINDA KEIL FOR HA LLEY RESOURC ES
A BIG SPORTING EVENT
Believe it or not, even cheering for your team can break your heart—if you get so wrapped up in the game that your emotions spiral out of control. Soccer’s World Cup is serious business in Brazil. When researchers studied four Cups’ worth of data, they found that heart attacks increased during the tournament’s finals and rates were highest when Brazil was playing compared with other teams. If you’re a screaming sports fan, you could ask your doctor about taking a daily baby aspirin. Better yet, try to take things down a notch. A MANIC MONDAY Sunday-night blues make your heart sad too. A dayby-day breakdown of the incidence of heart attacks reveals that attacks PHOTOGRAPH BY VICTOR PRADO
spike on the days when we return to work after a break. Stress over the coming workweek raises levels of adrenaline and cortisol, which may increase blood pressure and clotting. Starting the week on a calmer note with even five to ten minutes of morning yoga or meditation has helped my patients. Walking at lunch to relieve midday stress is another good idea. SHOVELING SNOW The cardiac stress of cold weather and heavy labor can be extreme. In case studies, researchers have described heart attacks in patients who suffered a clot in a previously placed heart stent during or soon after shoveling snow. (We’ve seen similar heart attack risks in hunters dragging game out of cold fields.) I tell my patients with heart disease to dress warmly, take frequent breaks, stay hydrated, and, in some cases, just play it safe and leave shoveling to someone else. The Whole Heart Solution (Reader’s Digest, $24.99) shares Dr. Kahn’s 75 integrative remedies for a healthy heart; available wherever books are sold.
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HEALTH
Doctor’s Orders
5 “Good” Habits That Can Backfire BY TH E P H YS I C I A N S O F THE D OC TOR S
1
Researching Health Info on Wikipedia
The crowd-sourced encyclopedia is so popular that even up to 70 percent of physicians admit to using it as a reference. But when researchers recently compared Wikipedia entries with peer-reviewed medical-journal articles on such conditions as back pain, diabetes, depression, and high blood pressure, they found multiple errors for nine out of ten health conditions they studied. Use any health info you research online as a conversation starter with your doc—not as the final answer.
2
Daily Workouts
We applaud your efforts to hit the gym. But if you don’t take a break from the same daily exercise regimen, you could be at risk of experiencing an overuse injury, like tendinitis or a rotator cuff tear. You don’t need to be a fitness newbie: Our colleague Keri Peterson, a New York City
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internist who’s been a regular exerciser for years, got tendinitis in her shoulder from using the elliptical machine every day for a few months. She recommends that patients never repeat the same routine two days in a row. So if you jog on the treadmill today, do yoga or strength training tomorrow.
3
Relying on To-Do Lists
Yes, lists and apps help keep you organized, but jotting down every errand can weaken your memory, Chester Santos, a past winner of the USA Memory Championship, told us. The “use it or lose it” principle applies just as much to your brain’s memory center as it does to muscles in the body, he notes. To flex your memory, Santos suggests a technique that involves storytelling to animate your lists. For example, if the first three things on your grocery list are milk, eggs, and bread, try this: Imagine a gigantic carton of milk,
dancing and jumping around. Then it suddenly explodes, and eggs come popping out of the milk carton. Then the eggs start dancing and tapping and begin to crack open; out of the eggs comes a loaf of bread. You can keep adding items to this list and successfully recall all of them by replaying the story in your mind.
4
An Early Bedtime
We were surprised when sleep medicine specialist Michael Breus, PhD, told us that the majority of people with insomnia go to bed too soon. It sounds counterintuitive, but staying up later signals to your body’s homeostatic system that you need more sleep, so when you do finally go to bed, you’ll conk out sooner. If you’re struggling to fall asleep, here’s how to find your ideal bedtime: Start with what time you need to wake up, then count backward seven and a half hours. If after one week you can wake without an alarm, you have found your sleep need.
5
Squatting over a Public Toilet
You think this keeps your behind free from bacteria lurking on the bowl, but lately urology experts have been saying that squatting could lead to a urinary tract infection. Hovering above the toilet contracts pelvic muscles, which can prevent your bladder from completely emptying and allow bacteria to grow. If you’re really freaked about germs, cover the seat with toilet paper instead. Cohost Drew Ordon, MD
Cohost Jennifer Berman, MD
Reader’s Digest and The Doctors bring America the health information that helps you thrive. Watch the show daily (check local listings).
PHOTOGRAPHS BY ROBYN TWOMEY
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NEWS FROM THE
World of Medicine BY RE GINA NUZZO
Soothing Restless Legs A new device offers a drug-free treatment for restless legs syndrome (RLS). Recently FDA-approved, the Relaxis foam pad gently vibrates under patients’ legs, soothing those annoying throbs. In studies, it improved sleep about as well as commonly prescribed RLS drugs, without side effects like nausea and dizziness. The pad will be ready this fall for about $750 with a prescription.
What Fitness Lovers Have in Common How you think about exercise might make a big difference in how much weight you lose. In one study, participants walked the same one-mile course, but half were told it was exercise, while the rest thought it was purely for the pleasure of listening to music. Afterward, the “exercisers” were more tired and grumpy and scarfed down more 60
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sugary treats at a lunch buffet. Focus on the fun in your physical activity, and you may feel happier and less like snacking later.
Cynical? You’re Raising Your Dementia Risk Trusting your fellow humans might keep you sharper longer. A Finnish study of more than 600 older people found that those with the highest levels of cynical distrust—who believed that “most people would lie to get ahead” or that it’s “safer to trust no one”—were likely to develop dementia at more than three times the rate of those with low levels of distrust. The link held up even after the researchers controlled for other risk factors like age and poor health.
Fast to Boost The Immune System In a recent University of Southern California pilot study, researchers PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST
found that chemotherapy was less toxic yet just as effective when patients fasted for three days before taking the drugs. When the body senses starvation, it tries to clean house and dump what it doesn’t need—including old immune system cells. Then, when the body gets food again, it starts producing new immune system cells. Researchers are at work on a bigger clinical trial. They caution patients to fast only under medical supervision.
P ROP STYLIST: JA NIN E IVERSEN
Coffee Flour: A New Superfood Coffee beans are actually seeds from the coffee plant’s nutritious berrylike fruit, usually left to rot during the coffee-milling process. Now a Vancouver company wants to turn that discarded berry pulp into flour. The result is gluten-free, with five times more fiber per serving than whole-grain wheat flour and more iron per serving than any grain or cereal in the USDA database. A serving of coffee-flour brownies has only a fraction of the caffeine buzz in a cup of coffee, and the taste is more like that of roasted fruit than java. The flour should be available in the United States next year.
6,000 Steps a Day for Healthy Knees A study published in Arthritis Care & Research looked at nearly 1,800 adults who either had knee osteoarthritis or
were at risk for it. For every extra 1,000 steps volunteers took each day, their risk of serious mobility problems fell by about 17 percent. Six thousand steps—about an hour of walking—was the minimum number that seemed to protect against any kind of disability.
Look Prettier with Perfume Smelling nice might make us appear more alluring. In a recent small study, men and women viewed photos of women’s faces—computermanipulated to simulate ranges of aging and attractiveness—while various scents wafted through the air. While sniffing an aroma of roses, participants rated faces as significantly more appealing than those they saw while inhaling something fishy. Smells have a powerfully direct path to the emotional parts of the brain that make snap judgments.
The “Pill” That Gets Digestion Going A vibrating pill might ease chronic constipation. The Vibrant Capsule houses a tiny motor and starts gently jiggling about seven hours after being swallowed—about the time it enters the large intestine. It triggers contractions that help move stool along. In a small study, patients who took the pill twice a week nearly doubled their bowel movements. Unlike many laxatives, it had no side effects. rd.com
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When the view goes on forever, I feel like I can too. Look ahead to your future. Consider a Medicare supplement insurance plan. Like all standardized Medicare supplement insurance plans, an AARP® Medicare Supplement Plan, insured by UnitedHealthcare Insurance Company, covers some of the expenses Medicare doesn’t pay. And your plan goes with you wherever you travel nationwide. AARP endorses the AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance Plans, insured by UnitedHealthcare Insurance Company. UnitedHealthcare Insurance Company pays royalty fees to AARP for the use of its intellectual property. These fees are used for the general purposes of AARP. AARP and its affiliates are not insurers. Insured by UnitedHealthcare Insurance Company, Horsham, PA (UnitedHealthcare Insurance Company of New York, Islandia, NY for New York residents). Policy form No. GRP 79171 GPS-1 (G-36000-4). In some states plans may be available to persons under age 65 who are eligible for Medicare by reason of disability or End-Stage Renal Disease. AS2752ST
GO LONG
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COVER STORY
The odds of surviving even the most serious plane crash are 76 percent. The odds of being the only one left alive are infinitesimal. This is what itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like to be the ...
Survivor ON JUNE 30, 2009, French schoolgirl Bahia Bakari, 12, and her mother, Aziza Aboudou, 33, were aboard a packed Airbus A310 on their way to Comoros, a group of islands off the eastern coast of Africa, to visit family for the summer. Minutes from touchdown, Yemenia Flight 626 shook violently in the swirling 40 mph winds; the lights flickered, the engine stalled, and the plane, holding 142 passengers and 11 crew members, plunged into the Indian Ocean, breaking apart on impact. ILLUSTRATION BY BRYAN CHRISTIE DESIGN
The illuminated area represents where passenger George Lamson Jr. was seated when Galaxy Airlines Flight 203 crashed, killing 70 people. rd.com
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Bahia was ejected from the plane. With no life vest, food, or drinking water, she clung to a piece of wreckage for 13 hours until a sailor from a private rescue boat plucked her from the ocean. Days later, as she recovered from her wounds in a Paris hospital, a psychologist shared unlikely news: Bahia was the only survivor of the disaster. Call it a miracle, coincidence, or luck—the distinction of only one left alive is a heavy weight, says Ky Dickens, 36, whose 2013 documentary film Sole Survivor tells the stories of several plane-crash survivors. “They feel an incredible amount of pressure,” says Dickens, a survivor of a car crash in her teen years that killed several of her friends. Drawn to the topic partly because of her personal experience, Dickens contacted George Lamson Jr., a passenger on a plane that crashed, killing everyone else on board, including his father, and enlisted him to help other survivors share their stories with the world. Says Dickens, “Naturally they wonder, Was I spared for a reason? Am I supposed to do something amazing?” Here Lamson Jr. and two sole survivors from other crashes, Annette Herfkens and Jim Polehinke, describe what they live with every day as members of a tiny club they never sought to be part of but are very fortunate to have joined.
• Date: 1/21/1985 • Flight: Galaxy Airlines 203 • From: Reno, Nevada • To: Minneapolis • On board: 71 • Crew deaths: 6 • Passenger deaths: 64 • The flight crew had significantly reduced power to the engine to eliminate unusual vibrations. The captain lost control of the aircraft, sending it plunging into an RV sales lot near downtown Reno.
AFTER MY FATHER and I found our seats, I settled in and tried to sleep. Pretty soon, two men came up to us and said, “Hey, you’re in our seats.” That wasn’t true, but my dad said OK, and we switched seats with them. Our new seats were in the first row right behind a bulkhead. 66
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After takeoff, everything seemed smooth at first. Then we hit turbulence, and the plane started to bank to the right. It didn’t seem serious, but as I was looking out the window, I could see we were losing altitude pretty quickly. Over the loudspeaker, the pilot said that we were going down. It must have been five to ten seconds
P ROP STYLIST: M EGUM I EMOTO FOR AN DERSON HOP KINS
SURVIVOR: George Lamson Jr.
READER’S DIGEST
P HOTO/ILLUSTRATI ON CREDI T
before we hit the ground. We hit three times, and the third time the plane hit an RV lot and broke apart. It was going about 140 miles an hour. I was thrown more than 40 feet onto a street near downtown Reno. The wreckage was on fire, and I searched through it trying to find anybody alive. One memory I can’t shake is of finding the man who took my seat. He was lying out in the field, facing the fire, and I could see his eyes were open. I went to him trying to help, but I realized he was dead. If I hadn’t switched seats, that would have been me. A f t e r t h e a mb u lances arrived, they took me to the hospital with another sur-
vivor. He had third-degree burns all over his body. His skin was black from the fire. I said to him, “I can’t believe I couldn’t find anybody. Here we are, still alive and talking.” And his answer was, “There’s nobody.” I didn’t think he was that hurt, but once we were getting treated, I remember him yelling in pain from all his burns. He died a few days later. I have a hard time explaining to people how overwhelmingly sad and dark this whole thing was. When they first meet you, people will look at you and think that you’re special. They’ll say, “Wow, you’re amazing; you were able to live through this.” Unless you’ve gone through an experience like this, it’s not possible to truly understand. You’ve seen a massive loss of life, and you’re standing in the midst of it wondering, Why the hell am I here? Why are all these people mangled? Why are all these people dead? After I got out of the hospital, I went home. I finished high school and started college. I had a future. Lamson Jr., 17 and a high school senior at the time of the crash, sustained only minor injuries.
PHOTOGRAPHS BY GREGORY REID
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I’d always imagined that I’d get a de- of the passengers aboard my flight. gree, maybe join the Air Force and I was really dreading the meetings. I become a pilot. When the holidays felt physically ill as I drove to the first hit after my first semester of college, family member’s house in Minneit sunk in that things weren’t going to apolis. Sarah had lost her mother, her be the same again, because I didn’t father, and two grandparents on that have my father anymore. My mom flight. She was six years old when it and my sister were having a very hard happened. I thought about how trautime dealing with the matic that must have loss. I made it through been for her. the holidays as best as I When I got to her I sensed the could, and then I went house, I walked in, I back to school. But presence of her gave her a hug, and we then the Challeng er made some small talk. family. It gave Then we sat down at her disaster happened, and it triggered me into me a wonderful kitchen table, and she a depressed state. I handed me a photo of feeling of relief her father and mother. dropped out of college and later moved to That was the moment and love. Reno. Today I work in a ever ything changed. casino as a dealer. This sounds weird, but Compared with the I sensed the presence of plans I’d had when I was younger, my her family in the room. I felt like they life feels like it has come up short. I were standing right by her and smilimagined that the family members of ing. It felt like I was forgiven for not the people who died would say, “Look letting my life be as perfect as it should at this guy—he got a second chance have been. She was happy to see me, at life. I lost my dear husband, I lost and I was happy to see her. I was lookmy dear son, I lost my dad. Why is ing at a picture of her when she was six this guy alive? He’s not even doing years old, and I was seeing her in front anything major with his life. I know of me, in her 30s, and I was in tears. I my dad would have done something; felt like I was with the family. It was I know my brother would have done a wonderful, authentic feeling of relief something.” I suppressed a lot of this, and love. It felt really good. and it would come back and bite me with depression or fits of anger. It was After moving to Reno in the ’90s, very hard to cope with. Lamson married and had a daughter, In July 2010, I made a trip to Minne- now 18 years old. Lamson and his sota to meet with the families of three daughter still live in Reno. 68
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READER’S DIGEST
SURVIVOR: Annette Herfkens
• Date: 11/14/1992 • Flight: Vietnam Airlines 474 • From: Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam • To: Cam Ranh, Vietnam • On board: 31 • Crew deaths: 6 • Passenger deaths: 24 • After flying into a tropical storm, pilots lost control of the three-engine airliner, and it struck the ridge of a mountain.
F R OM H ER BO O K, TURB ULEN CE : A TRUE SURVIVAL STORY
WE WERE 49 MINUTES
into a 55-minute flight when the plane made a tremendous lurch. I told my fiancé, Pasje, “Don’t worry. It’s just an air pocket.” Then we dropped again, and people started screaming. I reached for Pasje’s hand. That’s the last thing I remember. I later learned that the plane had hit a ridge at 300 mph. One wing ripped off, and the rest of the plane crashed into the side of the next mountain. When I woke up, I was still inside the plane, pinned under a dead body. Pasje’s seat had flipped backward, and he was lying on it with a sweet little smile on his lips, dead. I could see jungle greenery through a hole in the cabin where the cockpit used to be. I had gaping wounds all over my body. Four inches of bluish bone were sticking out of my shin. When I tried to move, I felt an excruciating pain in my hips. Somehow I managed to get out of the plane. Dead bodies were
scattered all around me, and people were moaning in pain. A very kind Vietnamese man assured me that help would arrive soon. “I am a very important man,” he said. “They will come for me.” Over the next few hours, his breathing grew weaker. I saw the life go out of him. He closed his eyes and was gone. There was no more sound or movement from anyone. I have never been so alone. For eight days, I lay on the jungle floor, waiting. Leeches covered my hands. My feet were swollen to twice their normal size, and my toes turned black. I had nothing to drink, but when it rained, I was able to squeeze some water from my wet T-shirt and pieces of aircraft insulation into my mouth. The body of the man next to me began to decompose, so I used my elbows to pull myself to another spot. The crash had made a clearing, and I could see a mountain rising in the distance. I felt like I was one with the beauty and the process of decay around me. Finally, on the eighth day, a group of Vietnamese men arrived and rd.com
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carried me down the mountain on a piece of canvas slung beneath a stick. The journey took so long that we had to spend another night camped in the jungle. Then we reached a village, and I was driven to a hospital in Ho Chi Minh City. The next day, I was
flown to a hospital in Singapore. Two weeks later, I was flown back to my native Holland, where doctors took skin grafts from my thigh to cover the wound on my shin and checked four pins that had been inserted into my broken jaw. I was in constant pain. Two and a half months after the crash, I returned to my job as an international bond trader and my home in Madrid. Being alone again in my apartment, I was hit by Pasje’s absence in a way I hadn’t been before. My Pasje—my compass, my alter ego—was gone. Bitter thoughts ran through my head day after day. I was angry—angry at death, angry at life, at all my unmet expectations. After the accident, I spent most of my energy on appearing the same as my old self, the same as my peers. Perhaps I did this to comfort Herfkens, 31, in a Singapore hospital ten days after her rescue
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others, perhaps to comfort myself. I kept the jungle to myself and tried hard to blend in and make the world forget the survivor part of my identity. In 2006, I went back to Vietnam. I traveled to the village where I’d been taken after the crash and met some of the men who had carried me all those years before. The next morning, a group of us got up before dawn and started to hike. After wading across six rivers, we started to climb. It took us more than five hours to arrive at the crash site. I sat down on the leaves. And twigs. I looked down the mountain through the trees. It was so much more claus-
trophobic than I remembered. And not as green. Not as pretty. I looked behind me and tried to imagine the fuselage. With Pasje in it. Here was where his life ended. I didn’t feel his presence there—not stronger than usual, at least. I worked my way farther up the mountain and stopped at a rock. I searched in my backpack for the small wooden dolphin and the little white seal I had brought. I placed them on the rock. “Bye, Pasje,” I said. Herfkens, her husband, Jaime Lupa, and their children, Maxi and Joosje, live in New York City.
SURVIVOR: Jim Polehinke, copilot
• Date: 8/27/2006 • Flight: Comair 5191 • From: Lexington, Kentucky • To: Atlanta • On board: 50 • Crew deaths: 2 • Passenger deaths: 47 • The pilots steered the airplane down a runway that was too short. The plane continued past the runway end, knocked down a metal fence, and continued onto a field, where it struck several trees and burst into flames.
AS THE PILOT in command taxied the plane from the terminal to the runway, I was going through the preflight checklist of equipment settings, so I didn’t look out the window to check the runway number like I would before most flights. Even if I had, I might not have noticed that the markers along the
taxiway didn’t match the runway we’d been assigned, because so many of the lights at the airport were broken. We waited to be cleared for takeoff, and then the captain said, “OK, let’s go.” He taxied out onto the runway, turned, and straightened us out. He said to me, “OK, your brakes, your controls.” I said, “My brakes, my controls,” and away we went. rd.com
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I don’t remember anything after that. On the cockpit voice recorder, you can hear me say, “That’s weird, no lights.” A few seconds later, we ran off the runway and hit an embankment. The plane rose into the air for a short distance, then clipped the airport fence, hit some trees, and broke into pieces. When the rescue crews arrived, they heard me coughing and cut me out of the wreckage. Instead of waiting for an ambulance, they put me into their vehicle and took me to the hospital. I was in an induced coma for four Stowed in a closet near the cockpit, Polehinke’s flight bag, shown here, survived the crash unscathed.
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days. My body was like a broken rag doll. My left tibia and femur were both fractured. My right heel bone came out of my foot. I had broken ribs and fingers and a pelvic fracture. My right lung had collapsed, and I’d suffered a traumatic brain injury. Once they got me out of the coma, they waited for my head to clear up. My wife was there. I thought, OK, I’m in the hospital, and I’m really messed up here. So what happened? That’s when my wife explained that I’d been in a plane crash. My response was a question: “Was everybody else OK?”
READER’S DIGEST
And she said, “No. You’re the only survivor.” When I heard that, I pretty much lay there and cried. For the first week, the doctors kept cleaning out the left leg to try to save it. Finally the doctor came to me and said, “Listen, we can do one of two things. We can see if this is going to work, and there’s a possibility that you could die from an infection, or we can amputate.” Once they took my left leg, the rest of my body recovered very quickly. Emotionally and psychologically, I was very black the first couple of years after the crash. I was angry that all the blame was put on the captain and me. And I felt sad for the family members of those who had died. Sometimes I’d say to myself, “I’m alive!” And a split second later, I’d think about the 49 families who had lost loved ones. And I’d wonder, Should I be happy to be alive, when all those people are gone? I’m grateful that my wife, Ida, is as strong as she is. She was my rock. She supported me, took care of me. I’m grateful that I have the wife that I do. My advice to somebody else in my situation would be “Keep looking forward.” Keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. You can’t change the past, so just always keep moving forward.
“I miss flying dearly,” says Polehinke, now 52. “I was lucky to have had that privilege.”
I’m basically paralyzed from my right knee down. If somebody took me out of my wheelchair and said, “Stand up on one leg,” I’d drop. But I love to ski, and I get out whenever I can on a monoski. When I’m at the top of the mountain, I don’t think about the crash. I look out over the world stretched below me and say, “Maybe I don’t have a reason to complain. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be alive and able to do this.” After the accident, Polehinke and his wife moved from Florida to southwestern Colorado, where he is president of Colorado Discover Ability, an organization that promotes outdoor activities for disabled people. rd.com
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Laughter
AFTER TRICK-OR-TREATING,
a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and 74
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chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!” S u b m i t t e d b y S. K., v i a In t e r n e t
ILLUSTRATION BY JIM BENTON
THE BEST MEDICINE
A HUSBAND AND WIFE had been
AFTER 12 YEARS OF THERAPY,
married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing— he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo inglés.” C o m e d i a n RONNIE SHAKES
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams. SETH MEYERS
IN HEAVEN, you get back all the
Chapsticks you lost.
A BRITON FLIES into Australia @IAMENIDCOLESLAW
LLOYD BI SHOP/NBC/GETTY IMAGES
A PENNSYLVANIA COUPLE had
trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more positive spin on the sales pitch: “A home suited for free spirits” “Mostly not haunted” “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners” “A place for all your possessions” “This house has good bones” “Your kids will make new friends”
and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.” I SHAVE EACH MORNING in front of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than it actually appears. S u b m i t t e d b y PHILIP ROGERS, L a t h a m , Ne w Yo r k
Think you can beat these jokes? Yours may be worth $$$. See page 7 for details, or go to rd.com/submit.
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PUBLIC HEALTH
How to
CRACK America’s Sugar Problem
ADAP TE D F R O M T H E BO O K SUGAR SAVVY SOLUTION
IMAGINE MAKING A nearly life-size sculpture of yourself out of sugar cubes and consuming it over the next 365 days. That’s essentially what many of us are doing. The typical American eats an average of 128 pounds of added sugars each year, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. And it affects our bodies on every level. People who got between 10 and 25 percent of their calories from added sugar were almost three times more likely to die of heart problems than those who consumed less than 10 percent of their calories from sugar, researchers reported earlier this year in 76
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a major medical journal. The stats held up even after they accounted for overall diet quality; in other words, sugar may harm your health even if you’re thin and eating reasonably. Previous studies have found links between sugar intake and higher levels of triglycerides and LDL cholesterol and lower levels of HDL cholesterol. Excess sugar is also associated with inflammatory chemicals that raise heart disease risk. Countless other studies link our skyhigh sugar intake to obesity, type 2 diabetes, and even certain cancers. Sugar interferes with your brain’s satiety signals, which is a fancy way of saying that normally, your brain PHOTOGRAPHS BY ADAM VOORHES
H O W TO C R A C K A M E R I C A’ S S U G A R P R O B L E M
would tell you that you’re full, but you can’t hear it over the sugar buzz, so you keep stuffing yourself. Excess sugar hinders fat-burning enzymes, encouraging fat storage. Worst of all, even if you know the health consequences, you may still find it hard to stop eating sugar. That’s because sugar can be addictive. When rats eat sugar, their brains flood with dopamine, the same chemical released during gambling and cocaine use. As the rats eat more sugar, their brains’
reward systems adjust, so the animals need more food to get the same effects. Human brains appear similarly vulnerable. Last year, a paper in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that high-sugar chocolate milk shakes lit up the reward centers of participants’ brains more effectively than milk shakes that were calorically identical but higher in fat and lower in the sweet stuff. This sugar-stoked reward system can drive compulsive eating, the researchers believe.
AS SCIENTIFIC STUDIES and media
headlines scream about the dangers of sugar, public health experts urge people to cut back. In March, new World Health Organization ( WHO ) guidelines proposed that people consume less than 5 percent of their daily calories from added sugar—that’s about six teaspoons a day, or about the amount in one 8-ounce bottle of sweetened lemon iced tea. The average American consumes almost quadruple the WHO recommendation— 22 teaspoons of added sugar a day. But sugar-proofing your diet is tricky. Sugar has infiltrated so much of our modern food supply that you’ll find it where you would never think to look, including healthy cereal, savory salad dressing, and yogurt. Lurking on the ingredients lists of processed 78
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foods are more than 50 different names for sugar, from fruit juice concentrate to maltodextrin to rice syrup. To make a permanent change, you need to understand what’s really in your food—and what to eat instead. Working at the forefront of this effort for more than 30 years is nutrition and fitness expert High Voltage (aka Kathie Dolgin), who recently appeared in Fed Up, the Katie Couric– and Laurie David–produced documentary about the nation’s sugar crisis. Decades ago, she beat her own food addictions by eliminating excess sugar, white flour, and salt from her diet, then developed a plan called Energy Up, which she took to girls at New York City high schools. When Columbia University Medical Center studied the program, researchers found that over nine
P ROP STYLIST: ROBIN FI NLAY
A Sweet Solution
READER’S DIGEST
months, more than half of students lost weight and obese girls shed an average of 13 pounds. This year, High Voltage teamed up with Reader’s Digest to adapt the program for people of all ages, then asked 15 women with various food and health issues to try it. In six weeks on our Sugar Savvy Solution plan, the women cut sugar cravings and lost almost 168 pounds—and gained energy and confidence. Many saw lower blood pressure, blood sugar, and triglycerides. “My taste buds have changed. I want healthy foods instead of junk,” says test panelist Megan Johnston,
22, who lost 13 pounds in six weeks. Patricia Nolan, 47, who shed 16 pounds, rediscovered a love of fresh fruits and vegetables. Before Sugar Savvy, Cheryl Lee, 50, was a selfdescribed “carb junkie” who would eat cookies and cake all night. Now she’s strong enough to resist when her daughter wants to order fried chicken and biscuits or other junky fare. Sugar Savvy Solution is not a diet; it’s an effort to change how you think about food. “I have one very simple motto,” says High Voltage. “Eat what you want, but Sugar Savvy Solution will change what you want.”
QUIZ: ARE YOU A SUGAR ADDICT? Answer yes or no to the following: 1. If you reach for one cookie or chip, is the bag empty before you know it? 2. Can you skip dessert but empty the bread basket—and the pasta platter? 3. Can you control your food intake during meals but lose it when you start to snack, especially on chips and crackers? 4. When you want to lose weight, is it easier to skip meals altogether rather than just eat smaller ones? 5. Are you tired all the time? Are there things you’d love to do but just don’t have the energy for? 6. Once you’ve had “just a taste” of bread, bagels, muffins, crackers, pasta, or rice, do you go back for a second (or third) helping? 7. Do you spend the day on a roller coaster of snacking highs and lows, hitting the doughnuts in the morning, the vending machine chips or candy in the afternoon, and the ice cream at night? 8. Do you eat healthy around other people but lose it when you’re alone? ■ If you answered yes to two or more odd-numbered questions, your food addiction likely lies with sweets or salty snacks— cookies, chips, cakes—that have been carefully engineered by food scientists to keep you eating and eating and eating. ■ If you answered yes to two or more even-numbered questions, you are highly susceptible to the addictive powers of white flour (which acts like a sugar during digestion). ■ If you answered yes to two or more odd- and even-numbered questions (at least four total questions), you are highly susceptible to food addiction, period.
H O W TO C R A C K A M E R I C A’ S S U G A R P R O B L E M
How to Stamp Out Sugar THESE FOUR PRINCIPLES can help anyone cut down on sugar intake.
1)
Eat no more than 24 grams (or six teaspoons) of added sugar in 24 hours. One teaspoon/cube equals four grams. When you see sugar grams on a label, divide by four to get the number of teaspoons. A packet of oatmeal can have 12 grams of sugar— that’s three teaspoons, or half of what Sugar Savvy Solution recommends for the day. Yogurt can have more than 24 grams—your whole day’s allotment. High Voltage recommends that everyone track his or her sugar intake for one week. Many women echo what test panelist Aris Pacheco, 35, said after she did so: “Once I learned how much sugar was in all those things, I didn’t want them anymore.”
2)
Kick out trigger foods. Think of those that send you into a state of out-of-control eating, says High Voltage. You want just one spoonful of Nutella, and suddenly you’re scraping the bottom of the jar. You intend to have a few french fries, only to end up eating them all. You probably have
some idea of what foods may be problematic for you, but the food-triggers quiz on the previous page can help you zero in. Get these foods out of your kitchen, out of your purse, and out of your office snack drawer.
3)
Hydrate correctly. Proper hydration gives you energy, but not if your drinks are loaded with sugar and chemicals. By eliminating soft drinks and other non-diet beverages, the average woman can lose a pound a week. Sugar Savvy Solution calls for drinking eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day. Adequate water intake may quell your appetite, boost your metabolism, and combat bloating.
4)
Fuel every two to four hours. “People complain that they don’t eat all day and still can’t lose weight,” says High Voltage. “If you come home starving, you eat anything and everything, and your body puts it straight into storage because it’s afraid you’re going to starve it again.”
C’MON AND GET SUGAR SAVVY The book ($24.99, available wherever books are sold) is a six-week plan to kick sugar and transform your mind, body, and spirit. You’ll learn to spot hidden sugar, identify trigger foods, and enjoy 40 delicious recipes and sample menus.
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H O W TO C R A C K A M E R I C A’ S S U G A R P R O B L E M
Reset Your Taste Buds THE SUGAR SAVVY Palate Cleanse is
a powerful way to jump-start healthy eating while wiping your taste buds clean from the dulling effects of sweetened and processed food. It’s not a fast; High Voltage worked with registered dietitian Jessica Issler to make sure the cleanse was nutritious and healthy (though it’s a good idea to consult your doctor before making any major diet changes). The secret is soup—or what High Voltage calls Soupalicious!—which floods your body with energy-boosting and nutrient-packed whole foods so
you’ll learn how good they make you feel. Test panelist Nancy Barthold, 51, says the Palate Cleanse stopped her desire to constantly hunt for food: “It made me acknowledge true hunger as opposed to just wanting to eat.” How to do it: Make a batch; eat one to two cups every two hours or so for three to five days. Drink water with and between meals. (If it seems boring to have only Soupalicious Soup all day, experiment with different combos of veggies and spices—get more ideas in Sugar Savvy Solution— or try it chunky instead of pureed.)
SPICE ’N’ NICE SOUPALICIOUS SOUP 1 1/4 cups dried white beans, soaked overnight 1 cup dried black beans, soaked overnight 12 cups water, divided 1/3 cup coconut or olive oil 2 large sweet potatoes (about 5 inches long), peeled and chopped 2 large bell peppers, any color, chopped (about 1 1/2 cups) 1 small jicama, peeled and chopped (about 1 1/2 cups) 2 medium tomatoes, chopped (about 1 1/2 cups) 1 small bunch chard, coarsely chopped (about 1 cup) 1 to 2 tbs. chopped cilantro 4 cloves garlic, minced pinch of onion powder and ancho chile powder to taste 1. Rinse beans thoroughly. In large pot over high heat, place beans and 6 cups water. Boil; reduce heat; simmer for an hour, or until beans are tender. 2. Add remaining ingredients (including remaining 6 cups water); simmer for an additional 30 minutes, or until vegetables are tender. 3. Puree in blender or with immersion blender. Recipe makes enough soup for 2 days.
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READER’S DIGEST
SUGAR SAVVY SAMPLE MEALS On the Sugar Savvy Solution plan, you’ll eat five times a day: four small, nutritious meals built around vital veggies (leafy greens and nonstarchy produce) and supercharged carbs (whole grains and starchy veggies like sweet potatoes). A daily power drink (made with fruits, veggies, yogurt or a nondairy milk, and a healthy fat) is an easy and filling way to amp up nutrition. Power Meal 1: Homemade Granola with Greek Yogurt Preheat oven to 300°F. Combine 1/4 cup dry rolled oats and 2 walnut halves, chopped, with 1/2 tsp. melted coconut oil on baking sheet. Bake until oats are lightly browned (about 5 to 10 minutes). Remove from oven and let cool. Top 9 oz. fat-free plain Greek yogurt with granola and 1/2 cup strawberries. Power Drink 2: Kale-Apple-Pear Power Drink Combine and puree in blender until smooth: 1/2 cup fat-free plain Greek yogurt, 1 cup chopped kale (ribs removed and discarded), 1 cup baby spinach, 1/2 cup sliced apple, 1/2 cup sliced pear, 1/2 small banana, 2 tbs. flaxseed meal, and 1 tbs. chia seeds.
FOOD STYLIST: EMM A F EIGEN BAUM FOR BIG LEO
Power Meal 3: Sweet Potato & Chicken Salad (at right) Preheat oven to 350°F. Combine 2 cups halved Brussels sprouts and 1/2 cup peeled, cubed sweet potatoes; mist with olive oil, and roast for about 20 to 30 minutes, or until tender. Mix warm vegetables with 2 cups baby spinach and 2 tsp. tahini. Serve with 2 oz. grilled chicken breast. Power Meal 4: Veggie Stir-Fry In 1 tsp. olive or coconut oil, sauté 1 to 2 cloves garlic, minced, 1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper, 1/2 cup water chestnuts, 1/2 cup broccoli, and 1/2 cup snow peas until tender. Add 3 to 6 oz. light tofu fortified with calcium and vitamins D and B12; heat through. Toss in 2 cups baby spinach; cook until spinach is just wilted. Add 1/2 cup cooked brown rice; stir to combine all ingredients. Power Meal 5: Portobello Cheesesteak Preheat broiler. In 1 tsp. olive oil, sauté 1 medium (4 oz.) portobello mushroom, sliced, 1/4 cup diced yellow onion, and 1/4 cup chopped, roasted red peppers until softened. Top 1 slice toasted whole grain bread with 1/2 cup salad greens, 1/4 cup mashed black beans, and mushroom mixture. Top with 1 slice (1 oz.) low-fat provolone. Broil until cheese melts.
PHOTOGRAPH BY JOSHUA SCOTT
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FAMILY
Weekend With Uncle Gutta I HAVE A HABIT of looking up the etymology of words before I start writing. Usually, it’s just a way to procrastinate. But sometimes, when I know where a word has been, I feel more equipped to take my words where they need to go. When I set out to write an essay about my uncle Gutta and kindness, I learned that the word kindness is related to kin. To be treated kindly is to be treated as if one were a relative, a part of a family. It is to be welcomed in, to be claimed. How funny that the kindness we bestow upon family members can often be the most difficult type to impart. Uncle Gutta’s phone calls were not always met with enthusiasm, but he called often, persistent in winning over my family’s affection. Whenever his area code lit up our caller ID, my two sisters and I tossed around the phone like a game of hot potato. “You answer it!” “I answered it last time!” “It’s your turn!” It wasn’t that we disliked our uncle, but the man could talk. Answer the phone, and the next 90 minutes of your life would dissipate like snowflakes in the Delaware River.
BRIGID DUFFY
is a writer and editor who lives in New York City.
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ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN HENDRIX
ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY (DUFFY )
BY BR IGI D D U F F Y F R OM Q U E ST FO R K I ND N E SS
W E E K E N D W I T H U N C L E G U T TA
ne dog day in late July, Uncle Gutta rang. I knew it was a hazardous time of year to pick up the phone, as he would inevitably urge us to make the long drive to his home in Pennsylvania and attend the Renaissance Faire with him. But after seven years of politely saying, “I’m busy all 12 of those weekends,” I was running out of excuses. Still, when I picked up the phone, I was calculating an escape strategy. “Hey, Uncle Gutta. What’s up?” “I’m sorry to have to tell you …” he began. There was an unfamiliar exertion in the way he spoke, like he had a lump in his throat. “Ballsey just passed away unexpectedly.” “Oh, wow … I’m so sorry.” Who the heck was Ballsey? “He was one cat that lived up to his name. But he’s in a place of peace now.” “Of course.” “So when are you guys gonna come out to my pad? I tell you what, the Celtic Fling at the Renaissance Faire is this Saturday. How ’bout you come over for that?” “That sounds great,” I said, my mouth doing the talking without my consent. “Really? Great!” he replied. “I’ll see you on Saturday around 8 a.m.” He hung up before I could change my mind. It was the shortest phone call of Uncle Gutta’s life. When my younger sister and I got into the car to drive to our uncle’s 86
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the following weekend, it was already 96 degrees. The air was rich and seedy, like an overripe watermelon. I looked over at my sister, whom I had dragged into this visit, in the passenger seat. Scorn emanated from her small frame. A couple of hours later, we pulled onto the road where Uncle Gutta lived, and he was waiting on his front porch. A beefy six-foot Marine with nine and a half fingers, he was wearing a Scottish kilt, a body-hugging Irish-flag shirt, a do-rag, and a 30-inch sword. I couldn’t tell if he was going for “pirate” or “Renaissance dude”— the distinction was negligible. After we hugged, he showed us around his backyard, which was part enchanted garden and part junkyard. “This is a scratching post that Ballsey preferred. But he also liked that one,” he said, pointing at some outdoor knickknacks. “And this is where he used to take naps a lot,” he continued as he steered us toward an undifferentiated spot on the ground. “This is a special rock that I dedicated to Ballsey. He liked it here a lot too. And this is a spot where I come to pray for our family … and for Ballsey,” he said. He paused, and I noticed that he had tilted his head back, as if hoping his eye would reabsorb the tear that fell down his cheek. “You know, it’s really great you guys came here.” It was the only statement I’d ever heard him say without that goofy-uncle undertone. And in that moment I real-
READER’S DIGEST
ized: Here was not only our uncle but even subliminally—when one of your a simple guy who lived in the boonies kin is in need of some care. We monitor our actions so painstakingly with and missed the heck out of his cat. “I’m glad we came, too, Uncle friends, coworkers, and strangers. Gutta,” I said. The moment the words But family members often get our autopilot selves. Within families, left my lips, I realized they were true. “Me too,” my sister chimed in. And showing kindness is often not a deliberate act. Rather, it when I looked, I saw that is an instinctive reachshe had also softened. ing out, a recognition of Then the moment Being part of a need in our kin, and passed, and it was back doing our best to fill that to business. Uncle Gutta a family is to need—even while kickhad mapped out our schedule for the Faire: recognize—even ing and screaming. When my sister and a Tartan Terrors perforsubliminally— I saw Uncle Gutta at mance, jousting, Irish when your kin is Thanksgiving, he prestep dancing, Her Majin need of care. sented us each with our esty’s Royal Performers, own shiny broadsword. and then the Tartan My mother took one Terrors again. That afternoon, we laughed and jousted and ate look at them and muttered, “What on turkey legs and danced. It was the sil- earth are you gonna do with that?” But to Uncle Gutta, the broadliest and freest I had felt in a long time. On the ride home, as our near- swords were a crucial accessory for heatstroke subsided into exhaustion, next year’s Fling. “This year, you got I thought about why, out of all the your feet wet, but next year, you guys times that Uncle Gutta had begged us gotta go all out.” We smiled, knowing it was his way to visit, I’d said yes this time. Perhaps being part of a family is to recognize— of saying, “Thanks for coming.” QUEST FOR KINDNESS (APRIL 21, 2011), COPYRIGHT © 2011 BY BRIGID DUFFY, ALICIABESSETTE.COM.
TAKE THIS DOWN The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is. MARY PETTIBONE POOLE
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NATIONAL INTEREST
To break the cycle of poverty, young children need something thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s as free and abundant as air. An extraordinary program is giving it to them.
P HOTOGRAPHS BY RUSS AND REYN
Word Power for
Babies BY M E L I SSA FAY G REENE
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WORD POWER FOR BABIES
ABIES NEED a few basic things to get
uncovered something else babies need, and this they’re not getting equally up and down the income scale. The missing element is not an heirloom-quality cherrywood changing table, an all-leather car seat with cup holder, or an ergonomic Scandinavian stroller (none of which has been linked to positive life outcomes anyway). The missing element costs nothing and is as plentiful as air, yet the devastating lack of it hampers brain development. Many low-income American children are suffering from a shortage of words—songs, nursery rhymes, storybooks, chitchat, everyday stuff. How can that be? All parents issue directives—“Time for your bath” or “Let’s put on your jammies.” In low-income families, where parents often have had less education and limited access to parenting guidance, that’s usually the end of it; while in wealthier families, directives are only a small part of an ongoing conversation. “Let’s put on your jammies. Your jammies are so soft! What color are these jammies? 90
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They’re yellow. And look at these little animals on your jammies. What are those? Those are ducks! ‘Quack, quack, quack,’ say the ducks!” All that babbling isn’t silliness; it’s mindbuilding. Words streaming from radio or television, or from parents or caregivers chatting on cell phones, are of no benefit, however—a finding that merits attention from all parents. In many low-income families, warm and loving parents may struggle desperately to provide all the other basics, without a clue that their relative silence—and the lack of bedtime stories, picture books, and lullabies— hurts the babies. Beginning in the 1990s, researchers at Rice and Columbia Universities reported eye-opening findings about how many more words middle-class and affluent kids hear day in and out. Using interview techniques and tracking devices including “word pedometers,” they’ve determined that well-off children hear 30 million more words in the first three years of life. The deficit has astounding and
P REVIOUS S PREA D: C LOTHI NG COURTESY LI TTLE H IP S QUEAKS, LITTLEHIPSQU E AKS.COM
started: mother’s milk, or something like it; love, attention, and playtime; clean clothes; and a safe place to sleep. All over the world, high- or low-income, desert or forest, high-rise or countryside, doting parents give their babies these essentials. But educational researchers have
READER’S DIGEST
and raise their children together in the common yard. Tammy Edwards is a kind and serious young woman who works two jobs while caring for her aging father and young daughter in her mobile home. When exhausted, she might take a moment to smooth back her thick hair and secure it w ith bobby pins, maybe glancing out the TAMMY EDWARDS, 31, “At 18 months, window and quickly grew up on the South tallying how many Shore of Long Island, every child tasks lie ahead before on the Poospatuck still has nightfall. When a bit Reservation, a shady of humor comes her village of about 100 famthe potential way, for instance when ilies affiliated with the to invent watching her five-yearUnkechaug Nation. It’s Facebook.” old, Ayanah, dance, a windy beach town, Edwards’s face lights the asphalt roads and up with an enormous, scruffy grass yards giving way to sand dunes and parcels disbelieving, happy smile. She’s used to being on her own. “My of tangled coastal forest. Massive maple and pine trees rustle with sea mother died when I was 11, and my breezes. In summer, it looks like a father couldn’t really take care of me,” vacation town, full of barefoot kids she says. She grew up moving from with Popsicles and folks relaxing on house to house on the reservation, their porches. But it’s also a poor where everyone calls everyone else town, with high unemployment; more Cousin; in fact, her grandfather was a than a quarter of the households are chief. “The Unkechaug Nation is my below the poverty line. Out-of-work family,” she says. But though Tammy grew up feelmen linger in the streets. Smoke shops dominate the retail scene, most oper- ing loved, she, like millions of young ating out of trailers, and some men— Americans, heard too few words. “We in desperation—freelance, flagging didn’t have many books,” she says. down cars to sell individual packs of “They had a Christmas program for cigarettes. Four or five families anchor the kids on the reservation, and one their mobile homes on the same half year, I won a set of encyclopedias. acre of land and hang up their laundry I was so happy! It felt like winning a
PROP STYLIST: SARA FOLDENAUER FOR KATE RYAN; HAIR AND MAKEUP: ALLISON BROOKE
bitter consequences. More than any other strand in the lives of poor children, the 30-million-word gap has been linked to poor school performance, a failure to learn to read, a failure to graduate from high school, and an inability to prepare for and to enjoy career success.
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Tammy Edwards and her daughter, Ayanah, who likes books about dogs, frogs, giraffes, horses, chickensâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; and people
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whole bunch of money. Afterward, “Here’s a child on his first day folks would come to me to ask if they of kindergarten,” Walzer says. “His could borrow one to do a project. I teacher tells the class, ‘You can pick was happy to share. I graduated high out a book from the shelf and take it school and got a certificate in medi- back to your seat.’ But this child has cal billing and a certification in home never held a book before. He doesn’t health care. I took a little bit of col- know how to handle it, how to turn lege, but my grades weren’t too good. the pages. He doesn’t know how to I had thought about get pleasure from it. becoming a teacher.” He’s failing his first day Edwards has big of kindergarten.” By the time dreams for Ayanah, an From there it gets ebullient girl whose worse. “The data show a child enters Native American name that a child who is beis Bright Star. And she school, it may be hind in kindergarten is lucky because help too late to close will be behind in third was nearby. behind in sixth the 30-million- grade, grade, and at high risk word gap. of not completing high school,” she says. “AT 18 MONTHS, every To address the lag, child still has the potential to invent Facebook,” says Sarah some states mandated pre-K for fourE. Walzer, chief executive officer of year-olds. But the low-income fouran extraordinary nonprofit called year-olds were ill-equipped for pre-K the Parent-Child Home Program too. Federally funded programs like ( PCHP ). A former legal counsel in Head Start reached out to children the U.S. Department of Health and as young as three, but—to the alarm Human Services, Walzer is a slight, of experts—even the three-year-olds fast-talking woman in her early 50s, were behind national standards. Today, it’s widely accepted that with flyaway graying brown hair and a gentle smile. She has devoted her the best time to start engaging in career to trying to level the playing verbal interaction—to share rhymes and songs and picture books—is at a field for poor children. In the PCHP program, she explains, child’s birth. The American Academy literacy specialists make home visits of Pediatrics recently stated that advoto help parents and very young tod- cacy for early reading would become dlers close the word gap—because by part of all well-baby checkups. “Our job is to get there before the the time a child enters school, it may word gap magnifies,” Walzer says. To be too late to catch up. rd.com
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put parents at ease, the early-literacy but she was open to learning more. specialists often come from the com“Helen told me that introducing munities in which they’re working, a child to reading at 18 months will and 25 percent of them are parent- help them going into school,” Edwards graduates of the program. They visit says. “I had ordered a set of picture up to twice a week for two years, books for Ayanah but never took the with the idea of having fun together, time out to actually sit down with her. using not only the books, puzzles, I was really happy to have to set a date and toys provided by the to do it.” program but also everyEdwards’s experience thing available. A visitor confirms another of A child who’s will demonstrate how to Walzer’s observations: make sorting laundry a behind in third “The half hour the visilearning experience and tor spends with a pargrade has a how a trip to the grocery ent and young child isn’t really complete is a refuge. The visitor higher risk of without naming fruits ‘No matter what not completing relays, and vegetables, shapes the house looks like, high school. and colors. no matter what’s goIt’s a simple strategy, ing on with the rest of and it works: “Children your life, let’s enjoy this who go through our program graduate time of reading and playing with your from high school at rates 20 percent beautiful child.’” higher than those of their national Edwards soon learned that her peer group,” Walzer says. Currently basic reading skills were more than adthe Parent-Child Home Program equate to meet her daughter’s needs. serves 7,000 families in 12 states. New “We have clients who cannot read at York, where Tammy Edwards lives, is all,” Walzer says. “We assure them that one of them. their knowledge of the world will enrich their child’s experience. You can spend half an hour on two pages of a IN 2010 , Helen Fechter, a PCHP spe- picture book, enjoying all the details. cialist who works within Edwards’s You can make up the story.” “Ayanah’s first book was Clifford school district, reached out to Tammy Edwards personally. One of Fech- the Big Red Dog,” Edwards says. “Oh ter’s first contacts on the Poospatuck my goodness, she loved that dog! She Reservation, Edwards had never heard was 18 months old and had a favorite of the program—nor of the impor- book. She still talks about that book. tance of early language enrichment— She’s in Head Start now and doing 94
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CLOTHING COURTESY STELLA MCCARTNEY KI DS, STELLA MCC ARTNEY.COM/ K IDS
READER’S DIGEST
really well. She loves all books so much! If she sees a book she feels like reading, like the Dora the Explorer books, she just picks it up.” “I like Dora!” Ayanah a g re e s. “A n d D i e g o. Diego is Dora’s cousin. Dora is a big girl like me. I like the Frozen book. I like books about frogs. I like books about the ones that have long necks, named giraffes. Also horses. Chickens. And birds. I like books about birds.” As Tammy Edwards began referring friends on the reservation to PCHP , more and more parents opened their doors. Helen Fechter became such a regular at Poospatuck that, today, as she drives through the village, everyone waves. “I feel like a celebrity,” Fechter says. To date, 23 families have participated in PCHP as a result of Edwards’s endorsement. And when Ayanah graduated from the program, Edwards went through training to become an early-literacy specialist herself. In November 2012, PCHP named her a Parent Literacy Champion and gave her a $1,000 scholarship. Edwards plans to go back to school to earn her teaching certification.
RECENTLY, EDWARDS visited with two-and-a-half-year-old Jailah Overton and Jailah’s mother, Shavon, to introduce a new book. Jailah was all dressed up in a gray-and-pink top, her round clean face glowed, and her hair had been tightly woven and braided with little white beads. Her mother couldn’t stop smiling with pride and excitement as she sat down with her daughter for their lesson. Ayanah, now five, tagged along to help and chose one of her favorite books to share: Are You My Mother? by P. D. Eastman. Jailah listened intensely as Edwards read the classic plight of the baby bird rd.com
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who hatches while his mother is off back to the page, taking in all the great hunting for food. Off he treks in search news. “ ‘You are my mother!’ ” of her, asking a dog, a kitten, a hen, a At this, Jailah, overcome, collapsed cow, and a steam shovel if any of them sideways into her mother’s lap. is his mother. Jailah looked captivated, probably as awed by the importance of this momentous half hour as by the AT THE END of the two-year propage-turning plot. gram, Walzer says, some parents “ ‘Are you my mother?’ he said to grow anxious. A parent will say to the cow,” read Edwards. “ ‘How could a home visitor, “I don’t mind if you I be your mother?’ said the cow. ‘I am don’t bring any more books or puza cow.’ ” A little worried, Jailah glanced zles, but can you please keep comat her own mother for reassurance. ing?” The visitor will say, “We still Suddenly Ayanah intervened, feeling have some time left, but you need to she could do a better job of holding the know that you have done all of this, book and turning the pages. Edwards not me; you are the one who has smiled and read on. been educating your child.” “Just then, the mother came “Pretty early on,” Walzer says, back to the tree!” she “usually within the read with excitement. first week or two, “She came back!” when the child SEND US echoed Jailah’s mother. comes out with a YOUR PICS! Jailah scrunched up new word or comher little face in glee. pletes a rhyme, a parThe Reader’s Digest “Look, who is that?” ent will say, ‘I had no Foundation is proud to asked Edwards, drawidea my child could announce a two-year ing Jailah back to the be so smart.’ That’s $500,000 grant to the book. the moment that Parent-Child Home Program that will kick “That’s the mommy changes the whole off a national partnerb i r d — t h a t ’s h e r trajectory because ship to celebrate mommy!” explained when parents have reading and improve Ayanah. high expectations, children’s literacy. “ ‘Yes, I know who their children tend to You can help raise you are,’ said the succeed. The parent awareness with a simple b a b y b i r d ,” r e a d starts saying, ‘You are snapshot of you readEdwards. Jailah gazed so smart, you’re going to the children in your life! For details, go up into the faces of ing to graduate from to rd.com/readtogether. Edwards, Ayanah, and high school. You are her mother and then going to college.’ ” 96
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NOTE: Ads were removed from this edition. Please continue to page 101.
Laugh Lines QUIP OR TREAT!
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointmentsized.”
PROP STYLI ST: LI SA EDSALV FOR BERN STEIN & ANDRIULLI
JIMMY KIMMEL
I’m on the Paleo diet, except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers. @REXHUPPKE
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers? JERRY SEINFELD
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. ROB O’REILLY
“Pretend to be someone you’re not, and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day? @AARONFULLERTON
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. WENDY LIEBMAN
PHOTOGRAPH BY NICK FERRAR I
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Hollywood gets police work completely and utterly wrong. Here’s what it’s really like to do this job.
CONFESSIONS OF A
COP AS TO L D TO RO BE RT E VANS FR O M C R AC K ED.CO M
People Are Serial Liars Ninety-nine percent of everything people say to me is untrue. The most common: “These aren’t my pants.” We hear it during virtually every case in which someone gets shaken down and drugs or guns are found. Apparently there are ownerless pants just floating around, and people grab them off a communal pile before leaving the house.
We’re Cautious in Some Neighborhoods for a Reason I always imagined it was because those places were littered with armed gangsters, but the reasons are much more complicated. I was cruising about one 102
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night and saw this drunken guy riding a horse, clopping into oncoming traffic. I turned on my lights and tried to pull him over. He galloped away on horseback, headed for that apartment building. Our protocols dictate any officer entering that building must be accompanied by at least three other officers. He stopped the horse inside, possibly assuming no officer would follow him for drunk driving a horse. I leaped out of the car to grab the rider. The guy, in keeping with the old joke, immediately assured me, “The horse is sober.” But the guy was not, and wacky circumstances don’t grant you license to endanger yourself and others while
CULTURE
under the influence. I knew I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t getting horse registration, so I started to book him, at which point this little old lady came up and asked why I was arresting Horse Guy. I began to explain that he was drunk driving and that horses do count as vehicles under the transportation code, when some ILLUSTRATION BY EDDIE GUY
random dude ran up and punched the old lady in the head. Punching little old people is a felony, so my partner and I chased the assailant through the complex. He vanished somewhere in the labyrinth, so I made my way back to the car, hoping maybe the lady knew who rd.com
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CONFESSIONS OF A COP
he was. But she had disappeared too. As had the drunken rider. The horse, however, had been left behind. You would not believe how many phone calls I had to make to get that horse back to its rightful owner.
Kicking in Doors Doesn’t Look like It Does in the Movies I have kicked down way more doors than I ever thought I would. The movies get that whole action completely wrong. At no point should you ever stand directly in front of the door. Doors aren’t bulletproof, and if some bad guy behind the door hears you kicking at it, he’s going to shoot. The goal is to stand off to one side with your back to the wall so that only your leg is in front. Then give it a good donkey kick, right under the knob. One time, I kicked a guy’s door. Nothing. We tried a sledgehammer as an impromptu ram. Nothing. We borrowed the fire department’s pry bars. Nothing. The firefighters broke out the Jaws of Life, and we peeled the entire wall of his apartment away to get inside, only to see that all three hinges had been welded shut and the door locks had been welded shut, and he’d also welded a metal pole to a brick of steel behind the door and mounted that pole into the floor. And after all of that? We didn’t charge him with anything. (We were there to stop him from harming himself, and fortifying your home isn’t a crime.) 104
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The Sight of Police Lights Turns People into Idiots Myth: Cops use their emergency lights whenever they want, often as an excuse to break traffic laws. Truth: Police vehicles log when an officer turns on the lights, so a cop abusing this will have to explain to an annoyed fleet sergeant why he keeps running down his batteries for no good reason. While you’ll often hear complaints of police speeding just for the heck of it, in my hometown in Texas, protocol sets our maximum speed at 80 miles an hour. When we turn on our lights to get to an emergency, everyday commuters—who routinely exceed our maximum set speed limit—pass us on the highway. In theory, a police car with lights flashing should be able to clear a path. Everybody knows to pull off the road, or at least clear a lane, when he sees lights and hears sirens. But some people see that left lane open up, and they rush over there, completely oblivious to the cop car racing toward them (yes, a lot of wrecks happen this way). Even more puzzling are the accidents that happen when the cop’s vehicle is sitting still with the lights on. Despite the fact that our lights are carefully designed to be bright and annoying enough to get even the most jaded commuter to pay attention, people constantly crash into parked, lit-up police cars.
READER’S DIGEST
A Search Is the Slowest, Most Intense Game of Hide-and-Seek I have the legs of an Oompa-Loompa, but chasing people is a surprisingly awesome part of the job. There’s a primitive part of the brain that makes us love chasing. If you’re a businessman or a barista, and you see some dude running down the street, you can’t chase him. But it’s socially acceptable for cops, and it’s just the best. The slow, tedious version of this is a building search: We check every possible hiding spot big enough to house a human. Once we got a call from federal agents guarding an unnamed bigwig in my city. Someone had left a door ajar, and we had to go room by room, opening every cabinet, closet, and locker. It turned out that a janitor had left the door open by accident when he went home. We were still clearing the place when he showed up for work the next day. I’ve found suspects hiding everywhere, from water heater recesses in the maintenance closet to ice chests in the break room. Here’s a tip: When
hiding from the police, choose the nastiest place you can imagine. Dryclean-only uniforms are a total pain (politely ask your cleaner if he’ll get out blood, feces, or fleas—see how that goes), so cops don’t really want to get disgusting unless they have to. It’ll definitely cut down your odds of being found. I’ve gotten fleas twice from nasty places I searched. But if you are caught, surrender immediately. Procedure demands that we get you out of there. I’ve had to Taser people to get them out from under Dumpsters. One guy tried to lock himself in his car, which could have led to a SWAT call. We preempted that by dispersing pepper spray in the AC vents.
I Love Calls About Wild Animals We once got a call that two men—one in boxers, the other a Speedo—were bothering some peacocks. Now, I have experience with big birds, so I suspected this would be a self-correcting issue. Sure enough, a new call came in: “Two naked males being attacked and chased by feral birds.”
CRACKED.COM (JANUARY 6, 2014, AND JUNE 2, 2014), COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY DEMAND MEDIA, INC., CRACKED.COM.
LIFE OFF THE GRID RadioShack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into. @JELVISWEINSTEIN
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FIRST PERSON
My Louisiana Story
I
BY AND RE W E VANS F R OM NAT I O NAL G E O GRAPH I C T RAV E L E R
N AN UNNAMED HOUSE in an unnamed town in a state named after King Louis XIV, I met a ghost. We were never introduced properly—in fact, the housekeeper denied any and all ghosts the minute I walked in. “It’s not haunted—at least, I’ve never seen anything,” she announced as she led me through the grand entryway and into a hallway dressed up with fall flower arrangements. The centuryold house was massive—one huge square room after another, and each one decorated with antique parlor furniture, large potted plants, heavy-framed mirrors and paintings, and crystal chandeliers that hung like glowing upside-down wedding dresses. It was a beautiful Southern mansion that, like so many in Louisiana, now functioned as a luxurious bed-and-breakfast. The housekeeper showed me my
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PHOTOGRAPH BY SHANNON TAGGART
M Y LO U I S I A N A G H O ST STO RY
suite for the night—it had a tremendous king-size bed smothered in a pile of pillows and more white lace and satin than a royal christening. “You’ll be staying alone in the house,” the housekeeper added. “There are no other guests tonight.” “A s l o n g a s y o u s ay i t ’s n o t haunted,” I joked. “No, it’s not haunted,” she reassured me. “Oh, there are stories, but nobody’s ever seen anything.” She paused. “I’ve never seen anything.” I asked her to tell me more about the “stories,” and out of the housekeeper’s mouth tumbled one Grade A Southern ghost story. Apparently, the Cajun family who had once owned the house reported seeing the ghost of a little girl who, when she was alive, used to get locked up in the wooden closet under the stairs. Trapped in the dark, she would scream and kick against the door, a habit that she carried on into the next life. Despite closing that door every night, the Cajun family would always find it wide-open in the morning. Eventually, they began leaving toys inside the closet at night to appease the unhappy little ghost. “Last year we had a Halloween party in the house. Guess what my costume was.” She was suddenly cheerful again. “I dressed up as the little girl from under the stairs.” I think I could have handled just about anything—if the housekeeper had told me that someone had 108
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hanged himself in the foyer, or that the mansion was under some swamp curse, or that it was built on top of some old French cemetery. But no— instead she was describing a bothered little girl ghost trapped in a closet with an armful of old-fashioned toys. Now, that was creepy. “Oh, you’re gonna hear things tonight. You will.” She laughed nervously. And then she left. I was now in the house alone. It was evening.
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F E W L I G H T S had been left on in some of the rooms, and I did not feel the need to start walking around the huge house to turn them off. Instead I made my way to my first-floor bedroom and then into the bathroom, where I changed for bed and brushed my teeth. That’s when I felt it—that dreadful sensation of being watched. I felt coldness on the back of my neck, and my spine tingled. I stared at my face in the mirror, but there was nothing else there—no apparitions or vague reflections. I left the room and then shut the glass-paneled bathroom door, certain that I was simply scaring myself. I sat down at the table, opened my laptop, and began answering e-mail. It was a quarter till 11, and the glow from my computer pulled me away from any fears and kept me focused on the mundane realities of our digital lives.
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At eleven o’clock, the noises started. was nearly midnight, and I was stuck in a giant bed in a giant mansion that Sh-sh-sh, sh-sh-sh-sh. A pair of feet shuffled across the had suddenly come alive with strange bathroom floor. I turned toward the noises. No, they were not simply “old door I had just closed. It was still closed—the only entrance into that house” noises that old houses make. room. The noise repeated itself—a There was no air-conditioning or heat pair of feet shuffling across the floor, running. It was not simply the humid air turning cooler and then stopping right at the house settling back the other side of the into its foundations, as bathroom door. I heard many Twitter followers My fingers froze on tried to explain to me. the keyboard, and I the sound A few minutes later, tried to think rationally. of someone I heard the sound of My mind went through someone running down all the things that might running. the stairs. Whatever it be making the noise— Whatever it was had joined me on someone else entering was had joined the first floor. I stared at the house, some (very the bedroom door, then large) wild animal scurme on the reverted to Facebook. rying about—but no, first floor. I chatted with friends those had been feet patin different countries, extering along the floor. plaining my dilemma— That’s when I crawled into the giant bed and took up my that I was wide awake in a house that defensive position, armed pitifully was most likely haunted by a traumatized little girl and that honestly, this with my cell phone and laptop. At midnight, I heard a loud thump was the kind of adventure on which upstairs. Then another, followed by I’d be happy to take a pass. Eventually, the footsteps went another. Soon there was clatter all about—dull thuds, a few bangs, fol- back up the stairs, and the clatter lowed by the sound of someone intensified. I wanted to laugh—but walking around on the second floor. couldn’t—as I read my Twitter friends I remained frozen in my bed, tweet- arguing about the existence of ghosts; ing my terror out into the great digital all the while I was listening to what cloud: “There are strange noises com- sounded like bowling balls rolling around on the floor above me and ing from upstairs.” Yes, I was terrified. I hadn’t taken doors slamming shut. Via social media, I began to get the housekeeper seriously, and now it rd.com
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a flood of real-time advice on how to deal with my real-time haunting. Some said to confront the “thing,” others said to call the police and report intruders, some said to pray to St. Michael, and others said St. Joseph was better with this sort of thing. The Hindus in India said to burn incense. My friend who’s a nun told me to leave the house immediately. Eventually my body grew so tired that I lay down, wrapped up like a mummy in my blankets. The house became silent once more, and for several hours I listened to the quiet, still terrified but hopeful that the worst was over. All I had to do was make it until morning.
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to the sound of crystal glasses clinking against crystal. Then somebody was stacking china. I thought of the Cajun family who had lived here, how they had appeased the ghost with toys. I had no toys to offer—the only thing I had in my bag was a small harmonica that I had recently purchased. For a second I was relieved, as if I had something positive to offer the ghost, but then I realized that if I suddenly heard a harmonica playing in the darkness, I would probably die of cardiac arrest. And so I stayed in bed until morning, not sleeping and not moving. I waited until I heard the housekeeper
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arrive and begin preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Only then did I crawl out of bed. The housekeeper acted nonchalant. She gave me some food and chatted about the weather until I finally interrupted. I told her what had happened—all the different sounds that I had heard and how I had been kept awake for most of the night. “You know, my son won’t even set foot in this house,” she confessed. “He’ll come to the door but won’t ever cross into it.” As a teenager, he played with the owner’s son inside the house and had one creepy experience that
he still won’t discuss, and that has kept him away ever since. The housekeeper also told me about her little niece talking alone upstairs, chatting with some unseen friend. And yet she would never admit that she had any proof of anything. She needed the house not to be haunted, which made sense to me. If I worked all day in a big old Southern mansion, I would not want it to be haunted either. Andrew Evans is a travel writer. He reports live from around the world for National Geographic Traveler via @WheresAndrew.
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TRAVELER (OCTOBER 23, 2011), COPYRIGHT © 2011 BY NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, TRAVEL.NATIONALGEOGRAPHIC.COM.
This Halloween get into the Chocolate, Caramel and Nougat.
BOOK BONUS
“We buried the pain tonight,” Coach Nick Saban declared at the 2012 national championship.
After a tornado devastated Tuscaloosa, a coach and his team became the lifeline for an entire town
The
Storm
Tide
The
BY L A R S A N D E R S O N A DA PT E D FR O M T H E BO O K T H E STORM A N D TH E TIDE
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SHARP CRACK of thunder startled Carson
The storm passed quickly, though, and soon the air outside turned quiet and calm. Carson, a 21-year-old junior at the University of Alabama, began his morning routine. He left his house, a four-bedroom rental at 611 25th Street, and headed for campus, where he attended class, and then met up with his girlfriend of 11 months, Ashley Harrison, a senior honors student. The two had been introduced the previous spring, and Carson’s immediate thought was that he had no chance with this girl, a lovely brown-eyed brunette whose soft smile made him weak in the knees. But soon afterward, he asked her out, and it wasn’t long before the two of them were constantly at each other’s side. Ashley and Carson were in love, and they talked of a future together. She prophesied to Carson that in January, on the day before they would celebrate her 23rd birthday, she would watch him play for the national college football championship in New Orleans. She was a fan, if not an aficionado—when Carson told 114
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Ashley that he was a long snapper on the team, she had called her father in Texas and asked, “Dad, what’s a long snapper?”—and she would be there in the Superdome as Carson helped lead the Alabama Crimson Tide to the title. That was Ashley Harrison’s vision. After their classes on April 27, 2011, they drove to Carson’s house, where they spent the afternoon building a flower bed in the front yard. The sky had turned gray again, but there was no rain. After taking a shower, Carson returned to the living room and saw that Ashley and his two roommates— Alan Estis and Payton Holley—were fixated on the TV screen. A weatherman declared that a tornado was bearing down on Tuscaloosa. Just after five o’clock, Carson and Payton stepped onto the porch and searched for a funnel cloud; all they saw was a darkening sky. Seconds later, Carson’s cell phone rang. It was his grandfather Jim Cartledge, calling from Hoover, Alabama, about 50 miles northeast of Tuscaloosa. “Carson, you need to take cover now!”
P REVIOUS S PREA D: A NDY LYONS/GETTY IMAGES
Tinker from his sleep. He peered through the west-facing window of his wood-frame house in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. It was 5:30 a.m., April 27, 2011, and flashes of lightning fractured the dark sky. He watched mesmerized as the bolts danced and skittered.
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“Yes, sir,” Carson replied. The young men dashed inside. What they didn’t see was the danger lurking four miles to the west. The most powerful long-track tornado ever to descend on Alabama was on the ground—a huge twister with winds of 190 mph, roaring toward Tuscaloosa. Quickly the four students, with the boys’ two dogs, wedged themselves into a closet. Carson wrapped Cowering in his six-foot-one, 220-pound the closet as the frame around Ashley. winds roared, “We’re going to be OK,” he Carson Tinker whispered into her ear. held Ashley
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Harrison tight.
ive miles away, in eastern Tuscaloosa County, electrician Bob Dowling and his family scanned the skyline from the front door of their mobile home. Dozens of their neighbors were running to an underground shelter, located in the middle of Chalet Ridge Mobile Home Park. At that moment, 13-year-old Marilyn Dowling raised her right hand to the sky. Bob looked up and froze in astonishment: A van was spinning in the air 300 yards above them—a van!— soaring past like some Hollywood special effect. Then, lowering his eyes, he saw, for the first time, the twister. It was only a quarter mile away. Worse, it was hugging the ground, charging directly into the valley where they stood, and he could see that they didn’t have time to reach the shelter. “We’re in big trouble!” he yelled. “Let’s move to the laundry room—now!”
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owering in the closet, Carson Tinker held Ashley tight. As the winds roared, they could hear the walls creak. “I’m scared,” Ashley said, trembling. “It’s going to be OK,” he shouted above the noise as the house began to disintegrate. He wrapped his arms around Ashley like she was the most precious thing on earth. “It’s going to be OK, Ashley,” he shouted again. But it wasn’t. Seconds later, Carson was sucked out of the closet, catapulted into the air like a stone from a slingshot, and thrown 65 yards into a field across the street. He blacked out, concussed. When he opened his eyes moments later, he didn’t recognize anything. His house had utterly disappeared; there was now just a big pile of rd.com
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indistinguishable rubble on the other side of the road. And Ashley was gone. In the sudden perfect silence characteristic of the aftermath of a tornado, Carson stood and wandered around the field, looking for Ashley. He had a broken right wrist, gashes in his head, and a severe cut on his right ankle. Blood covered his face. His body moved in slow motion, as if in a desperate dream. “Ashley, where are you?” he screamed. “Ashley!”
explained that Ashley’s body had been found, her neck broken. Carson cried until he had no tears left. The next day, Carson demanded to attend the memorial service for Ashley. But the doctors, citing his head trauma and the potential for infection in his ankle wound, refused to release him from the hospital. Carson would not relent. He kept begging and badgering until the medical staff finally agreed. With his family at his side, he was strapped onto a rolling t around 7 a.m., Carson, still in bed and wheeled into the back of his bloodstained clothes and an ambulance, which carried him to with tiny fragments of glass in his where Ashley lay in her casket. His hair, awoke in a private hospital room, bed was tilted up so that he could see chaos still filling the halls outside. her. Looking at her through watery His mom, in tears, was at his bedside. eyes, Carson softly offered his everHe immediately asked if they’d found lasting goodbye to the girl he’d been Ashley. She told him that Ashley certain he would marry one day. It was a moment so profoundly was gone. Carson’s house, painful that he would never “No, she can’t be,” Carson on the right want to speak of it—or think said. “You’re wrong. You’re side of the of it—again. wrong.” His mother gently
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street, was reduced to rubble. He was thrown into the field on the left.
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t was just after daybreak on April 28, the Day After. Nick Saban, the already famous coach of the University of Alabama’s exalted football team, the Crimson Tide, had spent the early hours at home with his daughter and her sorority sisters, who were desperately trying to contact Ashley Harrison, not realizing she had died. At first light, Saban drove to the football offices to meet with Thad Turnipseed, director of athletic facilities. “We’ve got to do something,” Saban said. “I’m going to change clothes, and then we’re going out there to do whatever we can.” The two men filled the back of Turnipseed’s white pickup truck with 20 cases of Gatorade and bottled water that had been left over from spring practice. With Saban riding shotgun, Turnipseed drove to the Ferguson Center, the hub of student activity in the center of campus. More than 300 scared, confused students had gathered outside the building. Upon
seeing their anxious faces, Saban stepped out of the truck and climbed to the top of a small brick wall. The students fell silent, stunned by the sudden appearance of their beloved coach. “Your time will come,” Saban began, “when you will be able to help and volunteer. We’re going to need everybody’s effort for a long time to get our city back on its feet. Life is all about challenges, and now we’re facing a really big one. But working together, we will get through this. Remember, we have to do this together as one team.” The tornado had missed the campus, but less than a mile away, Turnipseed and Saban discovered a wasteland. Nearing 15th and McFarland, their truck rolled close to the intact home of Saban’s 24-year-old son, Nicholas; just one short block away, every structure had been obliterated. It was then— on this soft, blue-sky morning—that Saban fully comprehended the terrible capriciousness of the Tuscaloosa
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tornado. The final death toll from the storm would be reported as 53, including six students. Saban understood that he was now more than a football coach. He was the person whom others looked to for assurance, the one people wanted to tell their story to. His wife, Terry, said that the days after the tornado were the first time in his professional life that he stopped thinking about football.
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ick Saban stood in front Coach Nick of his team in the large Saban: “The recruiting room at Bryantfans are with Denny Stadium, the only us in the best space with electricity where times, and we the coaches and players to his player that he wasn’t have to be with them in the could meet. It was two days alone. “You have to have worst of times.” after the storm and the first gratitude for being alive,” time the team had been tothe coach said, gathering gether since the tornado. As the players Carson’s hand in his. “We are here for ate a catered meal, Saban’s voice was you, all of us, everyone on the team emphatic: “I know you all have seen a and the entire university.” More than lot of things in the past few days, and if 50 of Carson’s teammates and coaches you have any issues, come see us. I’ve would visit him at the hospital. found through the years that professional help can get you through major ootball player Barrett Jones was things. But we’ve also got a community out on the streets at the first blush to support. We can’t just be a team for of sunlight, some 36 hours after the them on Saturdays. The fans are with tornado had struck. He was riding shotus in the best times, and we have to be gun in a souped-up golf cart known as with them in the worst of times. Just by a Gator, with a chain saw lying across your presence and being with them, his big thighs. His younger brother, you can help people.” Harrison, drove him block to block; After the meeting, Saban went to wherever they found a downed tree the hospital to try to comfort Carson that had barricaded a street or cleaved Tinker. He had no magic words—they a house, the six-foot-five, 305-pound simply didn’t exist—but he emphasized left tackle would yank the chain saw to
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life and go to work, slicing the trunks and branches into movable pieces. As the brothers moved through the destruction, a steady flow of ambulances rolled by, carrying the dead away. Barrett soon organized a group of his teammates to help. For three 12hour days, the football players were fixtures in the hardest-hit areas, attacking the downed trees like a pack of Paul Bunyans. “It was not the textbook, safest thing to do, but we felt like we had to do something meaningful to help,” he said a few days later. “Alabama football is just so big here. Next season we’re not going to play for ourselves, I promise you; we’re going to play for Tuscaloosa. That will be the biggest motivation we’ve ever had, to do something special on the field for this town.” Saban’s mandate had become a mantra.
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round was broken at 4214 5th Street Northeast in July, less than three months after the tornado destroyed the Dowlings’ trailer. The family had survived without injury, and now Habitat for Humanity was building a new house for them, with help from Nick Saban’s charity, Nick’s Kids. Two weeks after the first shovels dug into the dirt, Bob Dowling’s wife, Dana, greeted the fresh-faced college kids who’d come to volunteer. Her eyes were drawn to a hulking fellow who looked as if he could single-handedly lift a small house and set it down on the site. D. J. Fluker, it turned out, was
a lineman for the Tide, and seven other Alabama players were with him, including Barrett Jones. Over the next six weeks, the players would return again and again. So would members of the gymnastics team, along with rowers, soccer players, and scores of other athletes. The female Crimson Tide cheerleaders would stand on the shoulders of the male cheerleaders to paint the higher reaches of the single-story structure. On the first day of September, two days before Alabama’s home opener against Kent State, a dedication was held at the Dowlings’ new home. With Saban and several of his players standing in the front yard, Pastor Kelvin Croom of College Hill Baptist Church spoke to the gathering. “I anticipate the Alabama nation coming together,” he said, “and remembering how good God was to bring us through such a powerful storm. We, of course, will remember those who lost their lives. They will always be a part of us. Healing has to occur. What is a better way to heal than with Alabama football?”
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t is visible from nearly ten miles away, rising above the Tuscaloosa skyline the way the Colosseum towered over ancient Rome. Bryant-Denny Stadium is a place so holy to Alabama fans that hundreds—perhaps thousands—have secretly scattered the ashes of loved ones on its grass field. From the highest reaches of the soldout stadium, fans who’d come for the rd.com
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season opener could look out and see For the Dowling family, like so clearly the long scar of destruction many others in T-Town, the games from four months earlier, the stark were a kind of group-therapy session, detritus of lives shattered and painful a chance to come together and release evidence that the rebuilding of the city their emotions, to soak themselves in had only just begun. the sweet ecstasy of Alabama football. Inside the locker room, Saban delivered a simple message. “This is when n December 14, two weeks before it all starts,” the coach told his team. leaving for New Orleans and the “How do you want to be remembered? Bowl Championship Series national Play hard, and play smart. Let’s do this title game, Barrett Jones sat in the footfor our city, our state, and our fans.” ball offices. The Alabama–Louisiana The teams ran onto the field for the State rematch had moved squarely into opening kickoff. Photos of the start- the hot center of the national sports ers flashed on spotlight. Earlier the scoreboard; in the season, when the picture “This is when it all starts,” on November 5, of Carson Tinker Saban said. “How do you LSU had beaten appeared, the Alabama in overstudent section want to be remembered?” time. In addition roared its loudest to the usual mecheer of the afternoon, and it continued dia inquiries—How will this game be for 15 seconds, rocking the stadium. It different from the first? Can Alabama wasn’t just a salute to the athlete in protect its quarterback from the fierce recognition of all that he had endured, LSU rush?—everyone was asking about though it certainly was that; it was also the Tuscaloosa tornado and the ima cheer for Tuscaloosa, a signal that the pact it might have had on the team. By people and the city were on the mend. now, the players had become not only From their seats, Bob and Dana passionate about the subject but also Dowling hugged at the sight of Carson increasingly articulate. Tinker. Dana’s smile never left her Barrett Jones explained again what face during the three-and-a-half-hour those days after the storm had meant game, relishing a dominating perfor- to this championship quest. “When mance by some of the young men who we as a team went out there into the had helped build her house. Alabama community of Tuscaloosa and did won 48–7. It felt to the Dowlings like everything we could to lend a hand in they’d regained something they’d the recovery from the tornado, it defifeared they might never have again: nitely made us closer,” he said. “It gave the joy of feeling normal. us the opportunity to know each other
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in a different way. It strengthened our bond as teammates. And it definitely made us want to do something special on the field for our town.”
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ith 4:44 remaining in the fourth quarter, Alabama was up 15–0; all those points had been made on field goals. Then the Tide scored the only touchdown of the game, clinching the title. As the clock ran out, the scoreboard showed the shutout: Alabama 21, LSU 0. Carson Tinker gazed in the direction of Darlene and David Harrison, Ashley’s parents, who sat in the Superdome stands. Ashley would have turned 23 at midnight—only 90 minutes away—and she’d promised Carson that this game, this victory, would be the beginning of her birthday party. Accompanied now by a reporter, Carson walked along the field, tears in his eyes, his mind on Ashley. “There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of her,” he said as he looked up at the still-cheering fans in the stands. Moments later, a few players grabbed Carson, hugging him hard and bellowing, “This one was for you!”
Saban and his team crammed into the tight locker room. They had won their second national title in three seasons, but this one was different, and they all knew it. Saban raised his right hand, and the locker room fell perfectly silent. The coach waited, his eyes slowly scanning one by one the faces around him, and then he finally declared, “We buried the pain tonight.” The players showered, filed out of the stadium, passed a swarm of cheering Alabama fans held back by police barricades, and climbed onto the team buses. Darlene and David Harrison stood in the crowd, wanting a last glimpse of the team, to feel connected one more time to this emotional night. Darlene checked the time: It was a few minutes before 12:00. The Harrisons had determined earlier that they wanted to be by themselves at the moment Ashley would have turned 23, so they turned together and walked away. At exactly midnight, Darlene’s cell phone chimed with a text message. It was from Carson. Happy Birthday Ashley, it said.
THE STORM AND THE TIDE, COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY LARS ANDERSON, IS PUBLISHED BY SPORTS ILLUSTRATED BOOKS, AN IMPRINT OF TIME HOME ENTERTAINMENT INC., SI.COM.
RIDDLE ME THIS … QUESTION: What word begins with an E, ends with an E,
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MY MOST UNFORGETTABLE CHARACTER
He used to be a man who rarely smiled. Then something astonishing happened.
The Pope Who Burns With
BY AU ST E N I V E R E IGH
WE MET FOR ONLY A MINUTE in June 2013, a few months after his surprise election, and although he had his hand on my arm the whole time, he didn’t speak. My wife thinks it was because I didn’t let him get a word in edgewise. But the leader of the world’s 1.2 billion AUSTEN IVEREIGH ’s Catholics doesn’t normally say much, if he biography of has nothing particular to say; and anyhow, Pope Francis, The he was worn out. His breathing was labored— Great Reformer, he’d nearly died in lung surgery when he was will be published 21—and there was sweat on his forehead, a in November by Henry Holt. little. He was a man of 76 who had just spent 122
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ILLUSTRATION BY TIM O’BRIEN
two hours under the sun in St. Peter’s He didn’t like cameras, hardly ever Square greeting and hugging those he gave interviews, and was famous calls God’s holy faithful people. On for his austerity and shyness. You’d occasion—such as the time he kissed never find him at a dinner party, and the man appallingly disfigured by although the slum dwellers and the neurofibromatosis—the image is so hookers and the anti-trafficking syntender that newspapers put it on their dicates knew him well, he could get front pages, which is not what they on and off buses and subways without being recognized. His used to do with popes. words were always elThe point is that the egant, and they stabbed front-row-WednesdayHis smile home, but they were audience-ticket people didn’t come out delivered in a funereal, like me come last these h u s h e d v o i c e. No w days. We’re not Pope much during look at him, they say in Francis’s focus. It’s the his 12 years Buenos Aires. You can’t disabled and the sick and as cardinal in believe it. He’s a day on the old and the homeless Argentina. the beach. whom he puts first, just H e re’s w h a t h a p like in the Gospel. pened. It’s not a secret, Yet Pope Francis was totally present during that minute, because he’s told it to a number of listening closely to every word of my people, including the evangelical pasSpanish. And it was enough to get a tor in Buenos Aires who told me; but sense of what people who meet him not many know. On the evening of talk about—this thing, this quality, that his election, March 13, 2013, under comes off him. The archbishop of Can- Michelangelo’s great frescoes in the terbury, Justin Welby, nailed it when Sistine Chapel, the cardinals’ votes had he met him a few days after I did. The gone his way—past the 77 he needed Pope, he said afterward, was “human- to be elected—and he was asked if he ity on fire.” That’s it. If joy were a flame, accepted. “Yes,” he said, “even though you’d need to be made of asbestos not I am a great sinner.” To a subsequent question, he said he would take the to get burned up by Pope Francis. name Francis, after the poor man of n the Pope’s native city of Buenos Assisi. It was all done confidently, withAires, Argentina, this joy aston- out a moment of doubt, because he ishes even the people who knew knew this was his task now, his mission. But after vesting in the white papal him best. Sure, his smile has always been delightful, but it didn’t come out soutane and starting down the long much during his 12 years as cardinal. corridor toward the balcony of the
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P REVIOUS S PREA D: S OURCE PH OTO: STEFAN O SPA ZIA NI . ILLUSTRATI ON BY JOE MCK E ND RY ( IVE RE IG H)
T H E P O P E W H O B U R N S W I T H J OY
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ALESSIO MA MO/REDUX
Pope Francis in St. Peter’s Square, March 2014
loggia of St. Peter’s to show himself to the world, he was suddenly beset by doubt and darkness. Providentially, his predecessor, Benedict XVI, had modified the procedures to allow the new Pope to pray in the Pauline Chapel before going out on the balcony. There, with his friend the Brazilian cardinal Cláudio Hummes kneeling by his side, Jorge Mario Bergoglio had an experience of light and freedom that banished the dark feelings and that has never left him since. The director of Vatican TV, who was following the Pope with a camera, has confirmed all of this. Monsignor Dario Viganò said that when Pope Francis entered the chapel, he looked as if the whole weight of the world was on his
shoulders, but when he left, he was a different man, as he is now. “It’s the grace of the office,” Pope Francis tells Argentine friends who ask him why he’s changed. I was on the roof of a convent overlooking the square that night, commentating for the British TV channel Sky News. I would have been as flummoxed as the other pundits who hadn’t had Cardinal Bergoglio on their lists had it not been for a tip-off from a cardinal too old to vote, who had seen him emerge as papabile in the cardinals’ pre-conclave gatherings. “If it’s a short conclave,” was the message that reached me, “it could be Bergoglio.” So I had a few minutes to prepare some points (76-year-old Jesuit; humble, rd.com
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T H E P O P E W H O B U R N S W I T H J OY
man of the poor; runner-up in previous conclave—that kind of thing), but all the while, I kept thinking, Wow. They’ve elected an Argentine.
sliding to an accordion down on Corrientes Avenue. So I felt this strange connection with the smiling figure in white who emerged on the balcony that rainknew his country. Twenty years ago, cooled night in Rome, who bowed his I lived in Buenos Aires, researching head and asked for our prayers. And that sense only increased a thesis on the Church the next morning, when and politics. I learned to I watched the message love this captivating and It’s a strange he live-streamed back infuriating city, its peokind of grief: home, to the folk outple and its rhythms, its culture and history and Your friend, your side his cathedral on the music; and in time, my spiritual father, Plaza de Mayo. On the balcony, he had spoken Spanish sprouted local went to Rome in accented Italian; but inflections and colorful to elect a pope now out came this liltidioms. and got elected ing, colloquial porteño— Jorge Mario Bergoglio think of a pope speaking isn’t just an Argentine himself. Noo Joisy or Brooklyn, but a porteño—from and you’ll get the idea. the port city of Buenos His gentle message asked them to Aires—who sucks the green smoky tea called maté through a gourd and care for one another, not to rub one metal straw and is crazy for the plucky another the wrong way. But he used San Lorenzo football team: When he a colloquial Argentinism—“don’t take was ten, he witnessed with his dad the anyone’s skin off”—that comes from amazing run of goals scored by René the days before refrigeration plants, “the Egg” Pontoni. He loves tango and when gauchos flayed the cattle and milongas and the nostalgic cowherd just left the carcasses. It seemed odd poems of the 19th century, with their to think of a pope speaking like that. lament for a vanishing frontier. When And as each day went by, as he wooed he was active in the Jesuit order, he the world, I became more and more taught for two years at a high school anxious to know his past. Then came and managed to invite the great short- that minute’s meeting in June—a story teller Jorge Luis Borges—who at Canadian cardinal had got me the that stage could barely see but was tickets—when I realized I could make entering his prime—to tell the kids this Argentine’s past intelligible to about gaucho poetry. Need I go on? English speakers. In October last year, armed with a The Pope is as porteño as a couple
I
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READER’S DIGEST
book contract, I was back in Buenos Aires, spending weeks interviewing those who knew him: the Jesuits, the parish priests, and the bishops; the rabbis and the imams and the pastors; the philosophers and the politicians, the migrant slum dwellers and the war veterans. I even had my hair cut at his barber’s. Sometimes, taking Line A of the subway—which used to carry him from the Plaza de Mayo, where he lived in the diocesan offices, to his home barrio of Flores—I imagined him sitting opposite me, head cocked as he listened to someone’s hope or anxiety. Some of the most moving interviews were with those who knew him well, who said goodbye to him at the start of 2013. He had laughingly reassured them there was no risk, that he was too old, that he’d be back for the Easter liturgies. He never came
back. But nor did he die or disappear. He was on billions of TV screens, in white—gone yet not gone. It’s a strange kind of grief: Your friend, your spiritual father, went to Rome to elect a pope and got elected himself. His lawyer friend Alicia was in a bar at the time of that shock and burst into tears. “He’s my friend,” she told the bar, by way of explanation. There are two keys to Pope Francis. One is that you can’t eradicate poverty except by loving the poor. The other is that you can’t love the poor if you cling to stuff—your schemes and your ideas—and that if you can let go, you can let God be God. That’s what he was showing that day in the square. It’s why he didn’t need to say much. And it’s why I didn’t need more than a minute with him to be set on fire.
CORPORATE TIME EQUIVALENTS Just Just No
a sec = 5 minutes
a minute = 10 minutes
more than 5 minutes = 1 hour Quick
Could Cool
meeting = 3 hours
use a hand = 1 week
little project = 6 endless months
Interesting Job Let’s
opportunity = 2 years
= crap, has it really been X years?
revisit this later = never shall we speak of this again From MARCO KAYE, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
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That’s Outrageous! EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
HELPLESSNESS is defined by slipping a dollar into the office vending machine, only to watch your Twix get stuck on the coils. That’s what happened to an Iowa man. But unlike the rest of us, he had a forklift at his disposal, which he used to jostle the machine until it freed his booty. He was fired the next day.
A SOUTH CAROLINA
pizza deliveryman had an unusual way of keeping the pizzas hot in transit. The man, who was also a volunteer firefighter, would flash his emergency lights so traffic would pull over and let him pass, according to reports. The police used their sirens to arrest him. Source: the Week
Source: the Des Moines Register
A MAN STORMED into a Florida COWORKERS OF a New York City
court stenographer guessed he was having a rough day after he’d handed in a transcript. He had purportedly typed I hate my job, I hate my job, I hate my job over and over again. The man was fired for misconduct.
electronics store wearing a ski mask and ordered an employee to lie on the floor. When she ran, he drew his Taser, only to tase himself. He then fled empty-handed. Hours later, he returned … to start his shift. Source: the Tampa Bay Times
Source: the New York Post
BOSS OF THE YEAR! At a party in A FLORIDA RESIDENT came home
to find his apartment ransacked. After speaking with neighbors, the police zeroed in on the culprit: the break-in “victim,” who had been spotted acting suspiciously. The homeowner admitted to staging the burglary because he just didn’t feel like going to work. Source: baynews9.com
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China, an employer plopped down money and told his employees that it was their bonus. But to get their share, they would have to drink him under the table. Said one teetotaler, “Men were given 500 yuan for each shot,” and women were given twice that. In the end, some cashed in— and some passed out. Source: globaltimes.cn ILLUSTRATION BY NISHANT CHOKSI
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WHAT IT’S LIKE ...
To Send Your Wife to Mars MOST OF US RUN through certain hypothetical scenarios when getting married. Would you forgive me if I cheated? Would you stay if I were paralyzed? If I were brain-dead, could you pull the plug? Do you really mean it when you say you’ll stand by me in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part? I looked at the wedding vows that my wife and I had written, and there is no asterisk, no out clause releasing me in the event of extraterrestrial excursions. You may have read about my wife of four years, heard about her on the radio, or seen her on TV. She’s Sonia Van Meter, 36, the Austin woman (and stepmother to my sons, Henry, 13, and Hatcher, 11) who was chosen as a candidate by Mars One, the privately funded European nonprofit that is recruiting people to be sent to Mars in groups of four, starting in 2024. Unlike astronaut wives who have to hold out only a week before their
JASON STANFORD,
44, a political analyst and consultant, lives with his wife and two sons in Austin, Texas.
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ILLUSTRATION BY SILJA GOETZ
ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY (STANFORD)
BY JASO N STANFO RD FR O M T E XAS MO NTH LY
husbands come back, I will never see Sonia again if she goes to Mars. The Mars One Project is a one-way trip to establish permanent human life there. When Mars One whittled the 200,000-plus applicants down to 1,058, Sonia, a political consultant, got enough media coverage to become a minor celebrity around town. It doesn’t hurt that she’s easy on the eyes. I love her, the camera loves her, and now strangers do too. When we go to parties, we hear whispers. “That’s the Mars girl,” people say. Women—it’s always women— approach to congratulate her on her bravery. Some ask, Will she, you know, have to help populate the planet? (For the record, human reproduction is not part of the mission.) Rarely does anyone engage her, as a space geek, to talk about what she hopes to find up there, but if someone
did, he or she would open the discussion to Sonia’s innate curiosity and her enthusiasm about humanity’s drive to explore and expand our understanding of what is possible. She honestly does not get why everyone doesn’t want to go to Mars, though she knows I would last about half an hour up there before getting bored. But that’s not what people talk about when they comment about her on the Internet. No sooner had a story about my wife’s astronautical ambition aired than strangers took it upon themselves to diagnose our obviously flawed marriage. “Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a one-way trip to Mars,” tweeted one stranger. “She must really be sick of her husband,” wrote another. One Internet commenter posting under the pseudonym “Acup” wrote, “Wow Im glad Im not married to her.” True enough, since she would probably tell him where he could place his apostrophes. More to the point was “buck,” whose keen insight resulted in this trenchant observation: “Going to Mars and abandoning your husband and children forever? Brave? Hardly. Selfish? Most definitely.” Sonia had not learned the first rule of the Internet: Never read the comments. Excited to see reaction to the story, she read, aghast, as strangers sat in anonymous judgment of our rd.com
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W H AT I T ’ S L I K E . . . T O S E N D YO U R W I F E T O M A R S
marriage. What started as a brave woman claiming her ambition had become a public hazing. “I want you to tell me honestly,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “Am I being a bad wife?” Neil Armstrong probably never had to ask his wife this. Or maybe he did. Maybe his wife had to demonstrate to him that the fullest expression of her commitment was to love him to the ends of the Earth and then one very large step beyond. Maybe she had to reinforce to Neil that all she wanted was for him to become the biggest version of himself. Maybe she loved him “no matter what,” and risking his life in space was the “what.” This mission is, admittedly, a literal long shot. They have to raise more than $6 billion, build a new generation of spacecraft, and figure out how to sustain human life on a cold, airless planet that has neither water nor pizza delivery. Not even Netflix. But regardless of whether this actually happens, the possibility of my wife flying into space some day in the future
forces me—right here, right now—to accept that this may happen. Watching the launch will be the easy part. Living without her will be an agony that I will have to share with the world. I’ll be Mr. Sonia Van Meter for the rest of my life, telling her story here on Earth. I joke about endorsing products (“While my wife is exploring Mars, I’m doing the laundry with new Cosmos Detergent. It’s out of this world!”), but some will view me as a cautionary male, cuckolded by an entire planet. If she were the man and I the supportive wife, she could be understood as an explorer, and I the determined source of support back at home. If I were the wife, I could say I want what Sonia wants, and people would nod approvingly at how nice it must be to have such love and support. But until the culture grows up, my answers will only puzzle those who want me to describe the view as I look into the abyss. I will miss her. I will not like any of this, but I love her, and this is a horizon worth crossing.
TEXAS MONTHLY (APRIL 3, 2014), COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY TEXAS MONTHLY, TEXASMONTHLY.COM.
MORE TALKING ABOUT TALKING Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. LILY TOMLIN
Internet commenters are people who think the news is an incomplete Mad Lib. @LOUISVIRTEL
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Perfect Vacations Don’t Always Turn Out PERFECT
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This plan provides insurance coverage that only applies during the covered trip. You may have coverage from other sources that provides you with similar benefits but may be subject to different restrictions depending upon your other coverages. You may wish to compare the terms of this policy with your existing life, health, home, and automobile insurance policies. If you have any questions about your current coverage, call your insurer or insurance agent or broker. Coverage is offered by Travel Guard Group, Inc (Travel Guard). California lic. no.0B93606, 3300 Business Park Drive, Stevens Point, WI 54482, www.travelguard.com. CA DOI toll free number: 800-927-HELP. This is only a brief description of the coverage(s) available. The Policy will contain reductions, limitations, exclusions and termination provisions. Insurance underwritten by National Union Fire Insurance Company of Pittsburgh, Pa., a Pennsylvania insurance company, with its principal place of business at 175 Water Street, 18th Floor, New York, NY 10038. It is currently authorized to transact business in all states and the District of Columbia. NAIC No. 19445. Coverage may not be available in all states. Your travel retailer may not be licensed to sell insurance, and cannot answer technical questions about the benefits, exclusions, and conditions of this insurance and cannot evaluate the adequacy of your existing insurance. The purchase of travel insurance is not required in order to purchase any other product or service from the travel retailer. 1515 08/04/14
PHOTO OF LASTING INTEREST
Photograph by Brian Skerry Chosen by Leigh Henry, s e n i o r p o l i c y a d v i s o r at t h e Wo r l d Wi l d l i f e Fu n d
“This is a southern right whale, which is recovering from near extinction, thanks to the ban on commercial whaling. I love this photo because it conveys trust between whale and human—a trust we have a responsibility not to betray. I work every day to ensure that my daughters grow up in a world where encounters like this remain a real possibility, not photographic history.”
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NATION AL GEOGRAP HI C CREATI VE
WHO
KNEW
13 Things
Urgent Care Centers
Won’t Tell You BY MIC H E L L E C R O U C H
1
ER or urgent care? Always head to the ER for chest pain, severe bleeding, difficulty breathing, a neurological issue such as a seizure, or a serious head trauma with loss of consciousness.
2
The next time your regular doctor says it will be months before you can get an appointment, we may be able to help. Many urgent care centers offer STD tests, school
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and sports physicals, adult vaccinations, Pap smears, skin allergy treatments, and more.
3
Some primary care docs don’t like us because they say we skim the easy work and avoid responsibility for more complex matters. For instance, we’ll sew up the laceration on an inebriated person, but we won’t address bigger issues like alcoholism and high blood pressure. ILLUSTRATION BY SERGE BLOCH
4
Sorry, you won’t save money if you come here when you really need to go to the ER. If we transfer you by ambulance to the hospital, you may be responsible for co-pays at both places, plus the ambulance ride, which can double your fee.
5
All urgent care centers are not created equal. Some can handle only basic ailments: sore throats, simple wounds, colds, and coughs; they don’t have an X-ray machine or a lab. Others can take on diagnoses and tests.
6
We’re happy to give you a sample of the latest drug for your treatment. But that tends to be the most expensive. Ask for a less pricey but equally effective option so you can refill your prescription with ease.
7
If I suggest a specific test or procedure, ask whether you really need it and what it will cost. To protect us from potential lawsuits, our clinic guidelines may require us to suggest various treatments even when they’re not really needed.
8
If you’re paying cash, don’t be afraid to negotiate on price. We may be able to reduce your bill, but there has to be a reason. Some urgent care centers even have special cards you can purchase that guarantee you a discount at every single visit.
9
To save time, call to see if you can get on the waiting list before you come. Some centers will send you a text message 30 minutes before someone can see you.
10
Very few of our doctors start in urgent care. Many are burnedout ER or primary care doctors looking for less stress and easier hours.
11
Because we’re partially judged by patient-satisfaction scores, we’re under pressure to please. So if you want a steroid shot or an antibiotic for your cold, we’ll probably give it to you, even if it’s not necessary. The one thing we’re stingy about? Narcotic pain medications, since we know drug dealers can sell them.
12
Even if there’s a doctor on-site, you may never see him or her. Most urgent care centers are staffed with physician assistants and nursepractitioners; typically, a doctor is consulted for complicated cases.
13
We don’t have time to sanitize our waiting room after every patient. If you’re coming in at the height of flu season, stay safe by asking for a mask and using the hand sanitizer we have out. Sources: Ryan Welter, MD, PhD, of Tristan Medical Primary Care Centers in Massachusetts; Richard Young, MD, of Fort Worth, Texas; Gerry Cvitanovich, of MHM Urgent Care in Louisiana; Mitchel Schwindt, MD, author of The Patient’s Guide to Urgent Care and the Emergency Room; and Abimbola Fasusi, PA-C, physician assistant for Metro Immediate & Primary Care in Washington, DC.
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WHO KNEW?
Fun Facts About Color BY ALIS O N C AP O RIM O
Turns out the sports staple was made for TV. For the 1970 World Cup in Mexico—the first of its kind to be broadcast live on television—Adidas created the iconic black-and-white paneled ball, intended to catch the eyes of viewers better than a singlecolored one would as it moved across black-and-white TV screens. The black pentagons also helped players and referees recognize the swerve and flight of the ball.
Why the Purple Heart Is Purple When the Continental Congress forbade George Washington from promoting soldiers during the American Revolution, the revered general got crafty. On August 7, 1782, he established the Badge of Military Merit: a purple cloth or silk heart to be worn over a soldier’s left breast and signify an elevated status. While it’s hard to know why Washington opted for that hue, the history behind the color purple’s regal reputation dates 138
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back to the 15th century BC, when ancient Mediterranean clothiers created the shade from sea snail secretions in a long and expensive process. The result: Only royalty could afford purple clothes.
Why Surrender Flags Are White Some believe the peacemaking symbol comes from the bland garb of ancient times. Soldiers and civilians alike had white clothes handy, and since they were highly visible against neutral backgrounds, the clothes could be waved to easily convey passivity.
Why Taxis Are Yellow If you hailed a New York City cab in 1905, a car painted red and green would screech to a halt before you. So how did the color change from two-tone to bumblebee-bright? In 1907, Albert Rockwell created a taxi cab with an innovative 15-horsepower engine at his car company in Connecticut. Legend has it that his wife suggested the PHOTOGRAPHS BY VICTOR PRADO
P ROP STYLIST: LINDA KEIL FOR HA LLEY RESOURC ES
Why Soccer Balls Are Black-and-White
cars be painted yellow, and they’ve been that way ever since. By 1909, yellow taxis were zipping around New York City, courtesy of Rockwell’s cab company.
Why Bubble Gum Is Pink Fate would have it that hot pink dye was readily available at the Fleer
Chewing Gum Company when employee Walter Diemer experimented in 1928 with a new gum recipe—as he liked to do in his spare time. The 23-year-old created a less sticky and more flexible formula that resulted in bigger bubbles. He poured pink dye into the batch, and America’s favorite oral fixation was born. rd.com
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WHO KNEW?
Why Money Is Green Why don’t ATMs spew purple bills? Because of long-lasting dye. When paper notes were introduced in 1929, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing opted to use green ink because the color was relatively high in its resistance to chemical and physical changes. Also, at the time, green pigment was available in large quantities for quick printing.
Why Karate Belts Are Black There are a lot of myths surrounding the martial arts’ most prestigious designation. The most likely story, however, claims that white belts used to be dyed to a new color upon a student’s advancement to a higher level. Hence the increasingly darker order: white, yellow, orange, green, blue, purple, brown, red, and black.
Why Prison Jumpsuits Are Orange Shows like Orange Is the New Black have colored the perception of everyday prison garb. To set the record straight: Some say that prisons started putting inmates in orange uniforms to make them easy to spot while in transit or in public. As for day-to-day uniforms, it depends on the prison. California outfits its male prisoners in denim jeans and jackets and blue chambray shirts, while the federal maximum security prison in Florence, Colorado, issues khaki trousers and tops. 140
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Why First-Place Ribbons Are Blue Some scholars say we have an old nautical award to thank. In the 1860s, the Blue Riband—a pennant flown from a ship’s mast—was a prize given to the passenger ship making the fastest transatlantic crossing. Scholars speculate that over time, the spelling blue riband was changed to blue ribbon, serving as a symbol of general excellence.
Why a Matador’s Cape Is Red Bulls charge at the sight of red, right? Wrong. Bulls are color-blind. Thus, a fighting bull is likely enraged by the cape’s quick movement instead of its color. So why the bold hue? Some say it helps mask one of the more gruesome aspects of a bullfight: splatters of the animal’s blood.
Why Wedding Dresses Are White The classic white dress came from a European fashion trend. In 1840, England’s Queen Victoria donned a white lace gown to marry Albert of Saxe-Coburg. At the time, brides were married in any color—even black was popular. The queen’s choice, however, quickly inspired other brides to opt for white. In the early 19th century, Godey’s Lady’s Book issued its blessing: “Custom has decided that white is the most fitting hue for a wedding.”
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WHO KNEW?
This FBI File Has Been Read Over A Million Times IT’S THE MOST POPULAR file in the FBI Vault—a high-tech electronic reading room that houses all kinds of bureau records released under the Freedom of Information Act. Yet this file is only a single page, relaying an unconfirmed report from an Air Force investigator, and was never even followed up on. Dated March 22, 1950, the memo is addressed to J. Edgar Hoover, and it reads: “They [the saucers] were described as being circular in shape with raised centers, approximately 50 feet in diameter. Each one was occupied by three bodies of human shape but only 3 feet tall, dressed in metallic cloth of a very fine texture. Each body was bandaged in a manner similar to the blackout suits 142
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used by speed flyers and test pilots.” The memo goes on to say that the saucers had been found because the government’s “high-powered radar” in Roswell, New Mexico, had interfered with “the controling mechanism of the saucers,” which ultimately resulted in the crashes. It ends stating that “no further evaluation was attempted.” Once the file went public, people wondered what had happened to the supposed saucers. Unfortunately, without any further research from the FBI, the case became just another unsolved mystery. PHOTOGRAPH BY GREGORY REID
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WHO KNEW?
Quiz
Spot the Shimmering Cities BY A L IS O N C A P O R I M O
1
2
3
4
ANSWERS: 1. Baltimore; 2. Las Vegas; 3. New York; 4. San Francisco
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A LL P HOTOGRAP HS: COU RTE SY NASA
YOUR BEDROOM BULB is contributing to your city’s glowing fingerprint, a pattern of shining dots captured by a space station–mounted camera. Can you name these four U.S. cities based on their light signatures?
Great Books
FOR EVERY READER
The Harrowed Path
Kilhaven Farms
A Journey Through Schizophrenia John DW Macdonald
A Story Of Love And Prejudice Humberto G. Garcia
www.authorhouse.com Hardback | Paperback | E-book $23.99 | $14.95 | $3.99
www.authorhouse.com Hardback | Paperback | E-book $28.99 | $19.95 | $3.99
In 1972, John DW Macdonald was diagnosed with schizophrenia. His new book, The Harrowed Path, artfully renders his extraordinary journey from a normal perception of reality to a terrifying, debilitating, and self-destructing inner world and how he finally healed.
The Tidings Further Extracts From The Book Of Tidings Of The Almighty And His Spirits To Humanity Nick Mezins www.trafford.com Hardback | Paperback | E-book $28.66 | $18.66 | $3.99
Interracial marriage is illegal. But that can’t stop Gloria Kilhaven from falling in love with Mexican migrant worker, Nico. When Nico is charged with attempted murder, it could be the end of their relationship—or they could fight the racist, unsympathetic justice system for their love.
Cold, Cold North Carolyn A. Drake www.trafford.com Paperback | E-book $18.41 | $3.99
This child’s picture book about Arctic wildlife is told with informative verse and introduces a Now that scientific study extends further than it variety of animals that are a living part of the Arctic did previously, the Creator has decided to reveal the landscape. The flow of the verse is enhanced by full truth to man. This book tells how and why the crayon illustrations. universe was created, as well as what kinds of life exist in that universe.
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IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR
Word Power This year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee was the first to end in a tie since 1962. In honor of the winners, here are tiebreakers from bees past. They’re all hard to spell, indeed, but are they easy to define? Answers on the next page. BY E M ILY COX & H ENRY RATH VO N
1. fracas ('fray-kes) n.—A: fight. B: winter coat. C: drilling operation. 2. milieu (meel-'yer) n.—A: huge number. B: environment. C: French chef. 3. sacrilegious (sak-ree-'li-jes) adj.—A: worthy of worship. B: of all faiths. C: failing to respect.
9. semaphore ('sem-uh-for)
n.—A: half circle. B: lover of summer. C: signaling with flags. 10. dulcimer ('duhl-seh-mur) n.—A: stringed instrument. B: period of calm. C: sea monster. 11. gladiolus (gla-dee-'oh-les)
n.—A: street fighter. B: high praise. C: plant.
4. appoggiatura (ah-pah-jeh-'turuh) n.—A: embellishing note. B: statement of regret. C: breakdown.
12. incisor (en-'siy-zer) n.—A: tooth.
5. kamikaze (kah-meh-'kah-zee)
13. elegiacal (eh-leh-'jiy-eh-kul)
n.—A: suicidal crasher. B: stand-up comedian. C: labyrinth.
adj.—A: approving or complementary. B: menacing. C: lamenting.
6. cerise (seh-'rees) adj.—A: steeply inclined. B: shade of red. C: cool and calm.
14. deteriorating (de-'tir-ee-uh-
7. vouchsafe (vowch-'sayf ) v.—
15. insouciant (in-'soo-see-ant) adj.—A: uppity. B: nonchalant. C: incomplete.
A: swear under oath. B: supply. C: protect. 8. eczema ('eg-zeh-muh) n.—
A: itchy skin condition. B: hasty departure. C: former lover.
B: troublemaker. C: earthworm.
rayt-ing) v.— A: stopping. B: growing worse. C: improving slowly.
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WORD POWER
Answers 1. fracas—[A] fight. Both dugouts emptied as a wild fracas erupted at home plate. 2. milieu—[B] environment. A sail-
or’s natural milieu is the ocean blue. 3. sacrilegious—[C] failing to respect. Uncle James considers it sacrilegious if you don’t eat his homemade salsa. 4. appoggiatura—[A] embellishing note. “If you ask me,” Karl sniffed after the performance, “the concerto blatantly abused the appoggiatura.” 5. kamikaze—[A] suicidal crasher.
Jimmy jumped from the flight of stairs like a kamikaze on a mission.
in edgewise at the table, Alison resorted to semaphore with napkins. 10. dulcimer—[A] stringed instrument. Andy’s Appalachian dulcimer didn’t really fit in with our punk rock band. 11. gladiolus—[C] plant. “I’m so sick of the deer eating all my gladiolus!” Mom barked. 12. incisor—[A] tooth. I think I cracked an incisor on your grandmother’s biscuits. 13. elegiacal—[C] lamenting. The pastor was remarkably sensitive in mixing in humorous recollections during his elegiacal speech.
14. deteriorating—[B] growing 6. cerise—[B] shade of red. worse. The already When Shana gets tense relations excited, her face HISTORY OF “BEE” between the North turns a bright cerise. and South are now The word bee, as in 7. vouchsafe— spelling bee, refers to a deteriorating. [B] supply. Suzie group of people gathering 15. insouciant— vouchsafed her ID to accomplish something [B] nonchalant. but didn’t look specific, usually to help Taylor’s boss noted happy about it. someone. How it came to be associated with spellthat she has a decid8. eczema—[A] ing isn’t entirely clear, but edly insouciant way itchy skin condition. the general meaning of of attending to her Nothing works better “community” dates back daily priorities. than shea butter to to the 18th century. It is perhaps an alteration of soothe my eczema. VOCABULARY 9. semaphore—[C]
signaling with flags. Unable to get a word
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the English been or bean, meaning “voluntary help given by neighbors.”
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5 Lies That Are OK to Tell Your Partner Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. One example: When you’re arguing, experts say, it’s perfectly acceptable to respond with “You’re right” even if you don’t agree, just to keep the peace.
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Humor in Uniform
PENTAGON ANNOUNCES NEW NAVAL BASE OCTOBER 1, 2014—The Navy has contracted with Three Little Pigs, Inc., to expand its operations. The pigs, seen here with naval brass, will contain costs by “using straw,” said First Little Pig. “If that doesn’t work, we’ll try sticks,” said Second Little Pig. “And if that’s blown down, brick,” said Third Little Pig. Calls to competitor Huff & Puff, Ltd., a division of Big Bad Wolf Industries, were not returned.
my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin. “You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.” His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.” JEFFREY S. CARR, Ja c k s o n v i l l e , N o r t h C a r o l i n a
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AIR FORCE TRUISMS: ■ “Never fly in the same cockpit with
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Quotable Quotes Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity.
Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit. E LIZ A B E TH G I LB E R T, a u t h o r
WI LL S M ITH
M I C H E LE O K A D O N E R , a r t i s t
Saying a subject is too awful or painful to joke about is like saying a disease is too awful to be treated. LO U I S C . K .
DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THE GOAL IS WORTH THE RISKS INVOLVED. IF IT IS, STOP WORRYING. A M E LI A E A R H A R T I have always had a half-baked philosophy that having a Plan B can muddy up your Plan A. C H A R LI E DAY, a c t o r
My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times. O LIVIA WI LD E , a c t r e s s
Reader’s Digest (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), (CPM Agreement# 40031457), Vol. 184, No. 1104, October 2014. © 2014. Published monthly (subject to change without notice) by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc., 44 South Broadway, White Plains, New York 10601. Periodicals postage paid at White Plains, New York, and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595. Send undeliverable Canadian addresses to ca.postal.affairs@rd.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. Reader’s Digest, The Digest, and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. Marca Registrada. Printed in U.S.A. You may cancel your subscription at any time and receive a refund for copies not previously addressed. Your subscription will expire with the issue identified above your name on the address label. SUBSCRIBERS: If the Post Office alerts us that your magazine is undeliverable, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within one year. A special Reader’s Digest Large Print with selected articles from Reader’s Digest is published by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. For details, go to rd.com/save or write to: Reader’s Digest Large Print, PO Box 6097, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1597. CONSUMER INFORMATION: Reader’s Digest may share information about you with reputable companies in order for them to offer you products and services of interest to you. If you would rather we not share information, please write to Reader’s Digest Customer Care, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595.
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