Gladstone before Glasgow

Alex Millmow

You cannot blame Scott Morrison for being reluctant to attend COP26 in Glasgow; he is, after all, the leader of a country that is the world’s leading exporter of thermal and metallurgical coal.

He is famous, too, for flaunting a lump of coal in Federal Parliament imploring the opposition members not to be scared of it. Morrison had to wait before he got the royal imperative before deciding to go to Glasgow. One gets the impression he’d rather be in the coal town of Gladstone in sunny Queensland meeting the locals and munching a pie than a rain-swept Glasgow.

Not that the Glaswegians will know much about him or indeed much interest in him when he arrives in my old home city. Glasgow, well one half of it, has already adopted another Australian as their favourite son. It's Ange Postecoglou, the former manager of the Socceroos who is now coach of Celtic Football Club. Chances are that Morrison will probably hardly meet any of the locals as, like the other dignitaries, they are whisked from hotel to venue on specially cleared roads. The conference location will be closed to the public as will be certain other cultural venues where delegates will gather.

There is another reason why Morrison might not like the place. The name Glasgow is Brittonic in origin and means ‘Dear green place’. The actual venue for COP26 is the Scottish Event Campus on the banks of the Clyde. It was once the site of Queen’s Dock but was filled in with rubble from a building site. A hundred years ago it was a throng of activity, a babel of accents and languages as freight, ranging from locomotives to textiles, was loaded on to freighters.

Now the place will ring with another babel of voices, though educated ones. Some 30,000 delegates are expected to visit Glasgow for the 12 day summit. That feisty Swedish environmentalist Greta Thunberg has likened the talkfest to another exercise in ‘blah, blah, blah’. The bemused locals would translate it as ‘blether, blether, blether’, the Scots word for hot air.

Cartoon by John Murphy

Another potential embarrassment for Morrison is that, like a jilted lover on the warpath, he will have to avoid the French President Emmanuel Macron. There should be enough greenery in plant pots to hid behind if Morrison spies him coming his way. He will also have to avoid a bevy of Pacific Island leaders angry at Australia’s reluctance to commit to cutting carbon emissions, not to mention Morrison’s pledge to donate them all those spare doses of Astra Zenica vaccine. He will also have to steer well clear of David Attenborough who will be the People’s Advocate at the talks. Attenborough has already blasted Australia a few years ago for opening up more coal mines. And now he might have heard that the Morrison Government has just authorised four more mines to go ahead.

So far Australia has escaped the teenage wrath of Thunberg but it is only a matter of time before she lets loose on us. It will all be enough for Morrison to turn to some comfort food. The food for the conference will be all Scottish-sourced and all kosher, environmentally-speaking; so there will be no meat pies, square sausage or potato scones to turn to. The good news for our PM is that there is, in fact, a clan Morrison and what better way to escape the flak and head out to the isle of Lewis and Harris to connect with the ancestors. We may yet see him cavorting in highland dress; something Menzies never did with all his Scottish flourish. ◆

Alex Millmow is a retired academic. He spent his childhood in Glasgow.