STONEY BALONEY

by Mike Ricker

The United States is really big. So, it makes sense that different regions will have different ways of doing things. And where some systems will function one way in a particular city or state, in another they may not. Areas of transportation are a great representation of this.

And pedestrianism is no exception.

For instance, if you step one foot into a crosswalk on a busy street in Baltimore or New York, the chances of losing that foot to a speeding vehicle is exceptional. Yet in Seattle, a bumper leaning one inch over the white paint will most likely result in a shameful, passive aggressive eye laser launched that is purposefully directed with great negative emotion, strictly intended to vilify you with expulsion to the depths of Black Hole Hell for eternity.

This is no exaggeration.

For a certain personality type, a crosswalk is a place to make a statement. And in cities like Seattle and Portland, that statement is “even though I am addicted to modern conveniences like everyone else, I will never admit it. Therefore, when I decide to champion my birthright as an American citizen and take dominion of the street with my formidable legs to carry me across, do not stand in my way with your impure machine – or you will witness the silent wrath of my glacial stare. And you will continue on your salacious path with the deep regret of understanding that you knowingly disrespected an utter stranger, who only wanted to exercise their right to free expression.”

I don’t get it. And I’ve never really understood why a Chihuahua will attempt to intimidate a German Shepherd either, but so be it.

I do get that elderly people should be treated with patience and dignity when the time comes around. I mean, they’ve earned it for chrissake, if for no other reason than having successfully dodged every dangerously moving vehicle since birth.

And thank goodness Washington and Oregon are fueled with amazing legal Cannabis shops. Otherwise, there would be fewer good reasons to walk across the street.