STONEY BALONEY

IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE BUBONIC PLAGUE, rats could easily be man’s best friend. And the rat-infested movie “Willard” didn’t help their reputation, either. You snicker … but what we’re talking about is pretty much just an oversized mouse, right? I mean, if you really put tangible reasoning to our fearful rationale, the rat has never done anything wrong. Like people, they’re hungry, crafty varmints who are scouring the planet in search of leftovers. The biggest difference between us and them is that we have thumbs and bigger melons – making it a helluva lot easier to find food. Without this enormous advantage, you’d see people crawling wherever necessary to scour up however many bites as it takes to fill that nagging tummy, too!

Hunger will drive you to do the unthinkable.

And OK, they multiply quickly – but so do we.

Now, I’m not advocating for new leash laws for these sniffy scavengers, but if you think about it, they’re docile and furry with cute little mouths who pretty much just want to nuzzle up for a good cuddle (if you’re down to have a pink potbelly warming the nape of your neck). Sure, that tail is thick, but a dog’s is bigger and whippier.

And so are their farts.

You know, every story needs a villain, so it could be said that the negative light shed on these feral friends has painted them as something to fear – when in reality, they could make pleasant companions for us all after a good snipping of the reproductive organs.

Rats seem like happy creatures – red eyes and all! And by the way, there is nothing wrong with red eyes. I see them in the mirror every day after a fat bong rip.

And then I nibble on some cheese.

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